Just a reminder again that I'm not a doctor of any kind. Jenna's depressive behaviour in this was heavily inspired by the character Francine in 'Takin' Over The Asylum'. If you have the chance, try to find it and watch it! It's a great show! :)
Chapter 4:
The mental hospital was located outside a neighbouring village of Broadchurch. You'd have to drive down a long and winding road to get there. Out of sight, out of mind. That was what came to Alec's mind. The smell was different from a normal hospital, too. There was the strong scent of disinfectant but also a slight whiff of piss.
He felt uncomfortable.
It was a feeling similar to walking into a prison. Here, the doors also buzzed before one was let through and it was only possible in the company of a member of the staff with a key card. Once your inside one ward, the doors can be opened normally, but the ward itself was closed off.
There was no way out for the patients. No safe way at least.
This meant that Jenna didn't have to be bound anymore. She was sleeping soundly in a narrow white metal bed in the women's ward. There was another bed next to hers, but it wasn't occupied at the moment.
Alec still didn't want to sit or lie down on it. He folded his long body into an armchair in the room, keeping an eye on Jenna until his eyes couldn't stay open anymore. He had texted Daisy to let her know where he was spending the night and she'd told him to at least come home in the morning to sleep properly.
Alec didn't know if he could sleep, knowing Jenna was here. Since no one could get to her without a key card she was indeed safer, but he still made a mental note to print a mugshot of Jack Mason and hand it to the staff down at reception, so they would know who to look for.
Thinking about this, Alec didn't notice that he fell asleep and he only woke up when the sun shone through the thick, double-glazed safety windows and a murmur came from the bed.
He jumped up, but reminded himself to slow down as he approached the bed. Jenna's eyes were half-open but she didn't seem to be able to see anything. Her stare was empty. "Jenna?" he asked, but her gaze didn't move towards him.
She made another sound, though, and tried to swallow. She grimaced, murmuring once more and smacking her lips.
"Are you thirsty? Do you want something to drink?" Alec deduced, waiting for more signs.
Jenna looked at him now and made a sound in the back of her throat. It was as if her tongue was swollen and numb; she couldn't use it at all.
Alec still interpreted that as a yes and looked for a cup and a straw. He filled the cup with water from a plastic jug on the bedside table and put the straw to her mouth. Jenna tried to suck on it, but she obviously got more and more frustrated when she couldn't make it work.
Removing the straw, Alec looked at her helplessly. "Maybe I can…" He came closer with his hands, but paused. "Jenna, I could lift your head a bit so you could drink from the cup. Would that be okay?" he asked.
Jenna continued to look at him from tired, unseeing eyes. But then he thought he'd seen her move her head just slightly up and down.
"Right." he said and put his hand to the back of her head, lifting her carefully. She didn't struggle in the least, but he assumed that she couldn't, even if she'd wanted to. Then he put the cup to her mouth again. "Just slow, tiny sips." he told her and she swallowed. He wiped her mouth with a napkin when she was done and laid her back down.
She was staring straight ahead. As if she was sleeping with her eyes open.
"Oh, god." he mumbled. "What have they done to you?"
Soon after one of the station's nurses came by and helped Jenna to eat breakfast. It was all very slow and very careful. The nurse was doing a good job, but to Alec it still seemed awkward and strange. The person lying in bed wasn't the Jenna he came to know. He missed her smile. He missed to hear her talk without fear.
When the nurse was done he asked if he could do anything, but she told him that it would probably take Jenna another few hours until she was fully able to respond again and suggested to come by in the afternoon.
Alec wasn't pleased with that, but what else was he supposed to do? He needed to help Miller find Mason anyway, so he returned close to Jenna's bedside when the nurse left them alone, said goodbye and told her that he'd be back. She didn't respond.
Alec felt helpless. He needed to be out there to do something against Jenna's fear, but he was distracted for the entire time he wasn't with her. Having a case that was obviously very important to him should've made him totally focused and determined, but fact was that in the back of his mind he was just worried all the time, wondering how she was feeling.
He did return to her later that day. Jenna was still in bed but sitting upright. Still not responding when he was talking to her, though. She looked straight ahead, seemingly in a constant state of distress because she was unable to remember how she got here and what was happening. In trying to get her memory to work, Jenna apparently blocked out everyone and everything else.
Alec sat beside her. He wasn't good with small-talk and now that he was forced to do all the talking on his own, it was even worse. But he tried. He probably rambled utter nonsense, but anything was better than eerie silence.
After an hour he had to go home and he touched her shoulder to say goodbye. Not even that made her flinch. He was tempted, for some baffling reason, to give her a kiss upon her soft blonde head of hair, too, but he held back. They'd never done more than awkwardly shake hands when they'd met on dates before, so this was not something he should long for, was it?
Confused, he left. Sleeping restlessly in his own bed at home and back to work the next morning. In the afternoon, another visit to Jenna. But not much has changed. Still, this remained his routine for the next days. He was the only one allowed to visit except her family, who had been informed, but seemingly wasn't interested.
One day when he came by, Jenna was sitting by the window, staring outside. Hoping that she was feeling better, Alec pulled a chair next to her – not too close so she wouldn't feel uncomfortable – and started talking to her again.
He was telling her about work, only ever referring to it as 'her case' without mentioning Mason's name. But he promised that he was working on keeping her safe and that he and Daisy and even Miller were all worried about her. He paused when he noticed a trail of wetness running down Jenna's cheek.
"Jenna? What's wrong? Why are you crying?" Without really noticing it, he had slipped down from his chair and knelt in front of her, reaching for her hands. Without noticing it herself, apparently, Jenna had grabbed his hands and held them tightly.
"Don't…" Jenna whispered faintly. "Don't want worry. Don't deserve it." she mumbled brokenly. Those were her first words in days.
"Of course you deserve it." Alec promised passionately, squeezing her hands in his. "The only thing you didn't deserve is being hurt in the first place. But you're going to get better. You will, I promise. I'll come by every day, no matter how long it takes. You won't be alone."
She only cried more. "Don't want to be here."
"I know. I understand." he said.
"Scared." she sobbed. "Don't know why."
Her voice broke and her gaze dropped into her lap, tears still running. In a moment of overwhelming compassion, Alec reached up to stroke the wetness from her cheek and she startled and stared at him. Alec pulled back. "I'm sorry." he said softly.
Jenna continued to stare. It was as if she was really waking up for a moment. The fear was back in her eyes but this time it seemed more specific, not just an all-encompassing dread. Her clarity caused her to pull her hands swiftly back from his. As if, although she didn't know why yet, she didn't like him touching her.
Alec tried not to seem hurt by this. It wasn't her fault. He had to be patient. Jenna looked sad, then she just gazed away and seemed to be back in her own world once more. She didn't speak again, not even when he said goodbye.
Alec looked for Dr. Silva afterwards, telling her about all of this and she seemed to be glad that Jenna was at least talking again. It was a step forward that she was able to communicate her fears. That way she could work on overcoming them. Alec hated all this psychological talk. He just wanted Jenna to be alright, but he knew it wasn't going to be as easy as that.
When he wasn't with Jenna, Alec tried to find that cowardly rat Mason, but he seemed to have vanished from the face of the earth. He kept officers patrolling the area around Jenna's house and had outposts on the only street leading to the mental hospital.
Jack Mason didn't seem to go near it. Or they simply haven't seen him yet.
Alec grew extremely frustrated by this. He knew that he was behaving like an absolute prick towards his subordinates, but not finding any trace of Mason, knowing he was out there and then returning to Jenna feeling equally helpless... it got to him after a while.
Jenna became more talkative again as time passed, but what she said was always accompanied by sadness and self-hatred. She essentially blamed herself for causing such a fuss and couldn't understand why Alec still cared. She couldn't see why. But Alec did care. He tried to convince her of that every day and sometimes, when Jenna was in need of comfort, he was even allowed to hold her hand.
In her therapy sessions Jenna was working on remembering what had happened without freaking out, but yet they hadn't had success and Jenna always needed the help of her meds to calm down. At least there hadn't been another full-on panic attack since the pills kept her mellow.
Alec thought she was acting like a zombie. Not really there at all. It saddened him, because he got to know the real person inside the zombie shell that had taken over Jenna's body. He knew how kind, funny and passionate she could be and he would give everything to see her like that once more.
Miller understood his frustration, but she was getting fed up by his foul moods, too. What they needed was a break in the case. And they needed it fast.
It was late in the evening when Alec visited Jenna almost two weeks since she's been hospitalized. She was already in bed, looking tired. But that was her common look nowadays, no matter what time of day.
"I thought you wouldn't come by today." she said quietly when she saw him. There was no reproach in her voice nor was there joy. Jenna rarely spoke with much emotion, but at least she did talk. What Jenna really felt, Alec could often read from her reactions to him. Sometimes she cried silently, seemingly without any reason.
But today, in response to his presence, she pushed her hand to the edge of the bed, palm facing upwards so he would hold it. She never verbally asked for it, but she hadn't rejected him until now, either.
"I'm sorry. I wanted to come by earlier, but I was still working on finding… on your case." he corrected himself. "Did I wake you?"
She shook her head faintly. "No. Doesn't matter. I think I only sleep." She grabbed him limply when he put his hand in hers and stroked her fingers with his thumb. "You don't have to be here." she said.
"I want to be here." Alec immediately responded, squeezing her hand. She didn't squeeze back.
"Why? I'm not interesting."
"Because… I care about you." Alec said shyly. He had to remind her of that almost daily. At the beginning he felt awkward saying it, laying his feelings open so soon in a potential relationship. But these were special circumstances and it didn't mean that it was less true.
Now she was staring at him, her eyes watering and her fingers squeezing around him after all. Alec chose to view this as something positive. "But you have to work. You have your daughter." she remembered.
"Right now I'm working for you. So that you can feel safe. In a way… that means I'm still working." he said with a smile.
She furrowed her brows just for a second. "What… what are you working on?"
Alec's smile quickly vanished. Unsure if he had said too much, he only continued to look at her, worried and wordless. She noticed and now there was one of her rare emotions, because now she looked worried.
A bit abruptly Alec changed his position, leaning forward, which caused her to flinch and lean back. But only until she realized that he was reaching out with his other hand to enclose hers. He caressed the hand, frowning with indecision. "Jenna…" he started and stopped.
They needed more information about Mason if they wanted to catch him and the person to give them more would be Jenna. But was she ready for it? He'd heard that she made progress in therapy, but Alec didn't exactly know what that meant. Was she okay to talk about him?
"Alec?"
Her eyes shone with fear. Not saying anything would scare her more at this point, he figured, so he made a quick decision. "Jenna, you know that no one can harm you here, right?" She answered this question by squeezing his hand anxiously. "You are safe here. Perfectly safe." he promised. "Do you believe me?"
Jenna seemed to think about this for a while. She looked into his eyes. Logic told Alec that she would answer 'no'. She had no reason to trust him in her position. They didn't know each other for that long. They barely went on enough dates to call what they had some kind of relationship. But still her hushed answer was, "Yes."
Alec quickly blinked his surprise away so he wouldn't give her any reason for doubt. "Right." he said. "Good. 'Cause you are safe. You are safe with me, too, alright?"
She nodded again. In her eyes seemed to be so much innocence. So much trust for someone who had to go through such terrifying horrors. Alec wanted to protect her from the truth and he almost changed his mind again… but then he asked, "Have you talked with Dr. Silva about why you're here?"
Jenna frowned. A real frown this time, full of discomfort. She pulled her hands back from him, clenching and unclenching them in her lap. Her gaze drifted off, too. Alec was ready to back off. Jenna was obviously not ready to talk. But his question already set off some thoughts in her.
"I was… I w-was…" she was whispering, uncertain if she was really going to voice her thoughts. "A-Abused. Was Bad." she said. "I don't want to think about it. Hurts."
"That's alright." assured Alec. "You don't have to. What I'm working on is finding who did this to you and locking him away, so he can't hurt anyone else." Jenna stayed silent, but Alec had the feeling that her mind was running fast and he didn't know in which direction. "Do you… do you remember him? Can you think of anything that would help me find him?"
Jenna was clenching her hands hard now. She hadn't blinked in a while. This was very thin ice, Alec knew this, but he couldn't take it back. Her thoughts were already set in motion. He would've wanted to hold her hand again to reassure her, but he didn't know if that would set her off completely. Worriedly, Alec began to realize that he made a mistake by saying anything at all.
"He's tall." Jenna spluttered suddenly. "Stronger than me. H-He holds me. Tight. A-And d-doesn't let go."
"Not now, he doesn't. You're safe here." Alec told her, wanting to reach for her but not daring to in the end and instead trying to catch her gaze. He couldn't. She was far away.
"He-he doesn't let g-go. He hurts me. Every time."
"No, Jenna, he can't hurt you now. You're safe and I'm here, remember? Please, look at me."
"Hurts me. He h-hurts me." Her breathing picked up as did the speed of her mantra. "He's here! He's out there. He can find me!"
"Jenna." Alec begged softly. "It's alright, you're safe. He can't find you, I'll take care of that. I won't let him come near you ever again."
"He will find me! He will hurt me!" Jenna began to shiver violently from head to toe.
"Jenna, I promise, he won't-"
And just a light touch of his fingertips against her skin made everything so much worse.
Her head jerked around, fixing him with those terrified, far-gone eyes and she jumped back in her bed, grabbing the sheets, panting harshly. "No!" she cried. "Get away from me! Get away! Don't hurt me! Don't!"
Her voice was getting higher and higher the faster she breathed. Every movement of Alec – and was it just his lips opening as he was taking a breath, preparing to say something – spiralled her further out of control. "Jenna…" he called, holding out his hands in a soothing manner.
"No!" She jumped out of the bed with a screech, suffocated by fear. Stumbling backwards, shivering, until she met with the wall at her back. Her hands were looking for something to hold on to. She found the window. She slammed her palms hard against it.
"Jenna, please don't!" His voice got louder, his panic and hers increasing. But the glass wouldn't break, he should've known that. It was just instinct to warn her. Jenna was crying. Breathing. Crying. Screaming things over and over again.
Alec couldn't do anything. He had to call for help.
Jenna screamed, struggled and fought with hands and feet as she was grabbed and forced to calm down. It was over quick, but the shock didn't leave Alec, not even when all was quiet again and Jenna knocked out by strong meds.
Dr. Silva came in, asking what had happened. Asking what they were talking about. He told her, but his eyes weren't leaving Jenna's still form. He was as far away from reality as she was a few moments ago. Dr. Silva was telling him off for messing up all the progress she's made. It was taking time and he had to be patient, she told him over and over again.
Alec didn't fight back. He was disgusted with himself for his actions. His impatience had caused this episode. He'd scared Jenna into another panic attack to get answers and all it did was making things worse.
"I just wanted to help." he repeated meekly to Dr. Silva.
Eventually, he had to leave, wishing for a large brick that should knock him over his thick head and strike him dead so he wouldn't cause more pain.
Alec was harbouring these dark, guilty thoughts for the remainder of the week. He was even too ashamed to return to Jenna. But this made him feel like he was abandoning her just like her family did and then he felt even more guilty.
Miller tried to talk him out of his darkness but nothing seemed to work. Daisy at home had more luck, but Alec was only smiling as long as she was with him. When Daisy went to bed, Alec stayed up. Not by choice; he couldn't shake Jenna's terrified face from his mind.
As the days passed and Alec still couldn't get a lead on Mason, the bosses were losing hope in his investigation. They were leaning more and more towards the theory that either Jenna imagined the whole thing and the greeting card was an old memorabilia that had triggered her, or, if Mason had really been there, that he'd moved on by now since Jenna never returned to her house.
It was then that Alec conquered his guilt and started visiting her again. If he couldn't protect her as a policeman then he would at least be there for her and watch over her in his free time. Someone had to do it! He also looked after her house, staking it out on his own or with Miller, waiting for Mason to return.
Once more Jenna was as lifeless as a puppet. Staring into space the whole day and not responding to any kind of presence in her room. Alec kept apologizing to her, but he wasn't sure if she could hear him. He also wasn't even remotely mentioning work again. Instead, he often talked about Daisy and his life before Broadchurch and Sandbrook. When everything was mostly innocent and boring.
He was hoping for a sign of life from her, but Jenna had completely reverted back in on herself. It seemed like the depression had a stronger grip on her than before and Alec feared that she wouldn't be able to shake it off.
It would be his fault.