Shape of the Heart – Four-leaf Clover
By Fox McCloude
Disclaimer: The Quintessential Quintuplets and all related characters belong to Haruba Negi. All rights reserved.
Chapter 32: The truth at last?
Nakano apartment…
Ichika had spent many hours meditating in her room, which seemed less messy than usual. Apparently, with all that had been going on, she'd decided to clean up a bit just to keep her mind busy. Many things were spinning in her head, and she was in conflict about what she should do. One thing was certain, though: she couldn't wait any longer. She had to act, do something, or nothing would change.
In the afternoon she got a call from Fuutarou, telling her that he'd decided to attend the volleyball match to cheer on Yotsuba. Or at least, that had been the original plan, as when he tried to talk to her, she ran away, and he ended up telling her how things went down. It goes without saying the eldest Nakano was in for a shock when she heard all what happened during the match.
…
"You're kidding…" was all she said once he finished his story.
"I wish I were," Fuutarou said. "She really didn't seem herself. She blundered so many times, her team would have lost by a landslide had she continued on the court."
"Aren't you being a little harsh, saying it that way?" she asked, trying to defuse the tension just a bit.
"I'm just being honest," he said. "It's the nicest way I can think to describe her performance."
Ichika remained silent. She'd known Fuutarou long enough, so she knew he wouldn't jest about this, but even then it seemed hard to believe. Yotsuba always had a good hand at sports, and to imagine her playing so poorly that she was making her team lose seemed inconceivable. But then again, she'd refused to give details about her previous two matches, and she wouldn't be surprised if they'd gone in similar ways.
"This can't go on any longer," said Fuutarou. "I'll be honest; I can't stand seeing her like that. And I can't help but think this is in part my fault."
"Don't say that," she replied. "Right now, it doesn't matter whose fault it is. All that matters is to pull her out of that downward spiral, before it's too late."
"And how do you plan to do that?"
…
Ichika snapped out of her thoughts instantly. To get out of the conversation, she simply told Fuutarou to "trust her", even though she hadn't the foggiest clue. However, somehow, being alone in her room gave her plenty of time to clear her mind, analyze what was happening, and think about what she could do about it.
She'd always seen herself as the eldest sister, the leader, the one who had to watch out for the others. However, over time the other four had learned to take care of themselves, so she usually didn't need more than a little push on the right direction when they had a problem. While she was glad for that, it also a bit saddening to think they no longer needed her.
But now was one of those times she needed to intervene. Yotsuba's current issues were far more serious, so a little 'push' wouldn't be enough. And she knew that well, as it was rooted on something that happened much, much further back in time.
"Mom… what would you do right now? How'd you deal with this?"
In hindsight, they may have taken their mother's teachings a bit too much to heart. Being sisters, five parts of a whole, they were always supposed to share everything, joys and sorrows, and whenever one of them made a mistake, the others would make up for it. However, they couldn't depend from each other all the time, and as they grew up they'd have to leave that collective identity behind, with each becoming her own person. Maybe that was what inspired Yotsuba to stand out from the others, even if she went a little too far in her will to be 'independent'.
When Yotsuba began wearing her head ribbon to differentiate herself from the rest, somehow she also ignited the spark on Ichika. She was the first among her sisters to cut her hair short, partly out of curiosity for trying a new look, and partly because it was becoming a little hard to maintain that long. Over time she grew to like it and left it permanently, despite Nino's complaints. After that she began to understand Yotsuba a bit more, as well as that desire of hers to stand out in something, and she found her own niche in acting.
Looking back now, she should have spotted the red flags much earlier. Yotsuba becoming more competitive and distancing herself from them was partly her (Ichika's) fault. They'd grown up with very few things, and they were forced to share what little they had among five of them, an excuse Ichika would often exploit to take stuff from the others. As a child, she just wanted it because the others had it, and used the 'share everything' defense to shield herself. It was no wonder Yotsuba wanted something of her own, that nobody could take away from her. Getting acknowledgement was just one way to do that, even if it didn't turn out so well in the end.
"We can all be the best at something, but no one can be the best at everything." That was the thought that came to Ichika's mind. The proof of that was in how each one had their own academic strengths and personal talents. "You tried to carry a bigger load than you could, as if you wanted to prove something, and in the end you were overwhelmed."
What was she trying to prove exactly? Ichika had a vague idea; Yotsuba wanted to prove she was better than the rest of them, and that she didn't need them. What she didn't know for sure was the why, although considering all they'd been through, she could more or less extrapolate the root of her motivation to their mother's death. After all, that had been the catalyst leading to each developing her own individual personality.
After their mother died, each one of them adopted a different mechanism in order to cope with the loss. She and Nino, as the two oldest, adopted the role of caretakers and protectors of the others. Itsuki, despite being the youngest, somehow tried to keep the harmony among the five whenever they argued or fought, albeit to mixed results in the best of cases. Miku simply became withdrawn, distancing herself from everyone other than them. And Yotsuba…
Yotsuba always spoke of how one day she'd be a top student, get a good job and work hard to earn money, so their mother wouldn't have to worry about taking care of them anymore. Even though all of them could see how much their mother suffered as she overworked herself to keep them afloat, Yotsuba was the only among the five who wasn't content with that situation and wanted to do something to change it. Of course, they were just children, and they obviously couldn't do much, but that didn't seem to deter her at all.
Then, their mother died. All those hopes and plans Yotsuba had for her future had been for naught. On top of that, money ceased to be a problem after Maruo adopted them, as he provided for all their needs, so getting a good job had also become a moot point.
"It was that, wasn't it? You wanted Mom to be proud of you, that's why you thought you had to be the best of us, that you had to be special, wasn't it?" she wondered in a low voice.
It had to be. Her coping mechanism to deal with their mother's death was to try and be successful so their mother would be proud of her, and she convinced herself that the best way was to be the best among the five. Sadly, she started biting off more than she could chew, and things didn't turn out so well. Which was really sad, as she really had talent for sports, yet she couldn't make use of it due to being chained by the mistakes she made.
If her mother were still here, maybe she would sit down to talk things with Yotsuba, make her see she didn't have to overwork herself, assure her that she was loved and always would make her proud. That method always worked whenever they strayed a bit from the path. Though in general, they were so well behaved that their mother never had to apply a harsh hand or punish them too severely.
"No, I can't do this like Mom would," she said to herself. "I have to do this my own way."
Indeed, she had. She was not her mother. She was Ichika Nakano, the oldest among her sisters, and it was her duty to make sure they were alright. Maybe she couldn't solve this herself, but she could give Yotsuba the push she needed to do so.
Even if that meant saying to her face a few truths that could be very, very painful and harsh for her.
Later…
While they didn't have a study session scheduled for that day, Fuutarou had left them enough assignments to keep them all busy. That at least served to pass time, as the atmosphere around them was so tense it could be cut with a knife. None of them spoke much, unless it was to ask a question about some doubts, or stopping to eat something and replenish their energies.
All of them had plenty of schoolwork to do, but fortunately Fuutarou had granted them some mercy and left them some answer sheets they could consult, trusting they would do so only at the end, no cheating.
Or at least, it seemed that way until Ichika saw through the corner of her eye how Yotsuba tried to discreetly slip her hand towards the folder with the answer sheets. The others were so deep into their own work, none of them had noticed.
Ichika placed her own hand between Yotsuba's and the folder, a slight thud sounding off on the table and catching everyone's attention.
"Eh?"
"What do you think you're doing, Yotsuba?" she asked severely.
"I… I just was…" The fourth sister pulled her hand away to pretend nothing happened, but it was too late. Everyone else had seen it.
"Fuutarou-kun said we can't see the answers until we're done," said Ichika. "You weren't planning to cheat, were you?"
"… Just a quick peek." Yotsuba fiddled with her fingers. "He doesn't need to know."
"He believes in us, so we shouldn't betray his trust," said Ichika. "Don't you think you've done that enough?"
She wasn't sure where that came from, but clearly the comment struck a sensitive nerve on Yotsuba. The fourth sister stopped fiddling with her fingers and remained still, her eyes looking at her wide open.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Yotsuba asked, once she regained her voice.
"Come on, you know exactly what I meant." Ichika was struggling to stay calm. Unbelievable, she was still playing dumb. "Everything you and I know, and that you should have told Fuutarou-kun from the start."
Once again they remained silent. Looking through the corner of her eye, Ichika noticed Itsuki gulped, Nino looked to the sides as if trying to find a distraction, and Miku's hands were shaking.
"You know very well why I haven't told him. He can't know."
"He can't? Or is it you who doesn't want him to know?" Ichika asked. She'd struck another nerve, but she wasn't stopping now. "Better yet, have you asked yourself why you don't want him to know?"
"Ichika, I don't think you should…" Itsuki tried to intervene, but Yotsuba raised a hand to shush her, before facing Ichika again.
"Ichika, is there anything you want to tell me?" Yotsuba asked. "If that's the case, stop fooling around and just spill it at once."
It was the first time in forever she'd heard Yotsuba talk in such a serious tone. In this case, though, that was a good thing; it meant she was gonna stop fooling around and playing dumb. She knew exactly what she had to say, and even if it could hurt, this wasn't the time to be nice or sugarcoat things. Sometimes the truth could hurt, but it was the only way to learn the lesson.
"I'm sick of this," she said sharply. "I'm sick of seeing you feeling sorry for yourself, and wallowing in your own self-pity, instead of doing something about it."
"You think this is easy for me?" Yotsuba slightly raised her voice. "Do you think I don't regret all the bad choices I've made all this time? Do you think I'm not aware that we wouldn't be in this situation if it wasn't for me?"
"Don't be so arrogant," said Ichika. "You have no right to shoulder all the responsibility. You've always done that, even before Mom died."
"I-Ichika!" Itsuki gasped in indignation, but before she could say anything else, Yotsuba placed her hands on the table and spoke first.
"Don't get Mom into this! I know she'd be very disappointed in me right now!"
"Oi, Ichika, that was a low blow, you shouldn't have…" Nino tried to protest something, but Ichika turned around and glared into her eyes. She could see her second sister's face lose color for a moment and becoming paralyzed, before she flinched. "… Not that I disagree with you, but even then…"
"So you agree with Ichika?" Yotsuba asked. "You think this is all my fault too, don't you?"
Nino stared at Yotsuba, who seemed unusually defiant today. Normally, the second sister was the most abrasive and blunt of the five, but today she seemed strangely calm, or maybe intimidated. Ichika wouldn't do this often, but she knew how to get them in line when needed, appealing to her role as the eldest of the five.
"If I'm honest, yes, I do think this is all your fault," Nino admitted. "But that's because you're a scaredy-cat who's unable to face her problems on her own. Had you been honest from the start, none of this would have happened."
"If I had been honest from the start, Uesugi-san would have rejected me," Yotsuba argued back. "He'd probably think I was lying, and would have driven me away. And I didn't want that, not after so long, and when I was so happy to see him again."
"And yet, that's what you're doing now," Ichika pointed. "You're running away from him because you can't face him. And you don't seem to realize you're just hurting yourself… and him."
"Huh?"
"All this stupidity of yours has done nothing but worry him," Ichika continued. "He had to call me because you, stubborn as you are, still refuse to talk to him. By the way, he already told me of your stellar performance with the volleyball team, you know?"
She saw Yotsuba biting down her lip, and a cold sweat rolled down her face. Another nerve had been struck, and now she just looked like she wanted to be swallowed by the earth. Meanwhile, the others turned towards Ichika, confusion filling their faces.
"What are you talking about, Ichika?" asked Itsuki. "What happened?"
"To put it in the nicest terms possible, all this mess has been affecting her sports performance too," the eldest sister replied. "You must be very grateful we didn't see you, aren't you?"
"Yotsuba… is that true?" This time, it was Nino who talked, her voice slightly accusing. "You told us you had won; did you lie?"
"No! O-of course we won, but…"
"But no thanks to you," Ichika finished. "Fuutarou-kun told me you were playing so badly, the team drastically improved after they pulled you out of the court."
The disbelief in the other sisters' looks intensified. Of course it sounded hard to believe, but considering Yotsuba's hermetic behavior in the past few days, and the fact she didn't share any details of what happened on her matches, it made sense. Yotsuba neither denied nor confirmed it, but her expression was all the answer they needed.
"Wow, were you really that bad?" said Nino. "It's a shame I missed it, though. Maybe I would have given you a good jolt to send you back to the game."
"Nino, don't pour salt on the wound," Itsuki protested. "Don't you see Yotsuba is already feeling horrible for all this?"
"Girls…" Miku tried to intervene.
"Of course, but what's the point in lamenting now?" Nino spat. "Instead, she should try and do something about it."
"Pressuring her won't help!" Itsuki replied. "And you know that too, Ichika!"
"Girls…"
"So what do you suggest I do, then?" the eldest replied. "I've tried to be patient, but even I have my limits, and I'm sick of this situation. And it's only fair the person who caused it in the first place solves it."
"Girls…"
"Aw, hell, you sound like broken records!" Nino exclaimed, pulling on her ribbons as if trying to rip them out along with her hair. "We're just running in circles and not going anywhere!"
*SLAM!*
When the screams grew louder and messier, to the point nobody could understand a word being said among the noise, one hand slammed onto the table with a thud. Everyone shut up instantly, and stood there as they saw who'd done it.
Miku gave them a cold glare. Ichika had realized how she'd been trying (unsuccessfully) to enter the conversation, so she simply forced herself into it. Even the eldest sister, who was pretty annoyed at the time forgot her anger for a minute, shocked at seeing that outburst from her middle sister.
"We're not going to solve anything like this," Miku said. "If anyone cares, I'd like to give my opinion too."
"S-sure, Miku." Ichika pulled back a little. "Go ahead."
Miku nodded and stood up, while the others remained sat around the table. None of them made a sound as Miku breathed deeply and proceeded to talk.
"I agree with Ichika. This situation can't go like this. But I don't think it's fair you want to shove Yotsuba to solve it by force."
"So what do you suggest then?" Nino asked sharply. Ichika elbowed her on a reflex, but Miku didn't seem fazed by the question.
"I think the first thing to do, is asking Yotsuba how she feels about all this, and what she wants to do," she said, staring at the aforementioned.
Everyone's eyes became fixated on her. Yotsuba too seemed surprised at Miku's words, albeit no less than Ichika herself. It seemed so obvious now that she heard it, but when she ran out of options to solve this issue she'd gotten a little carried away in the moment, to the point she forgot Yotsuba's feelings. Her attempt to help her through tough love was only making things worse.
Miku had just nailed it, attacking the issue from the point they should have from the start.
"Yotsuba… tell us what you want," Miku said. "And be honest, don't keep anything to yourself."
Miku sat down again. Apparently, she'd spoken her mind and there was no need to stand above the others. Yotsuba placed her hands on her chest, clenching her blouse tightly as she seemingly tried to force the words out of her throat.
"I… what I want is… I want… I want to be with Uesugi-san," she finally said. "I don't care if it's as a friend, girlfriend or whatever. I… I love him. I want to be by his side, that's all."
She finally said it. At long last, she'd finally been sincere about her feelings. It seemed so easy, Ichika didn't understand why she found it so hard to acknowledge.
"But… I'm scared." Yotsuba hugged her legs, burying her face between them. She was still trying to hide her embarrassment in front of them. "I'm afraid Uesugi-san will hate me. When he finds out all I did, the kind of person that I was… that I am… no, I can't look at him in the face. I can't even be in front of him."
"Are you sure?" Nino asked. "How can you know if you've never asked him?"
Ichika saw Yotsuba looking up again. Nino's question seemed to jolt her a bit, to snap her out of that lamentable state, and that gave her an idea. Now she knew exactly what to say.
"Nino has a point. How can you be so sure Fuutarou-kun will hate you, unless you talk to him? Better yet, why do you believe he will hate you? Haven't you known him long enough to tell what kind of person he is?"
Having dated Fuutarou for that time helped her get to know him better. Or rather, to confirm what she already knew. Although he appeared to be a serious and grumpy guy, deep down he was a kindhearted young man, much more patient than he seemed considering all the shenanigans he had to go through when he was their tutor. Yotsuba's fears were unfounded.
"Do you really think he's so cruel, he would hate you just because you made a few mistakes?" Ichika asked. "Do you trust him so little?"
"No!" Yotsuba exclaimed with indignation. "Uesugi-san is not that kind of person!"
"Then what are you scare of?" Ichika insisted. "For the record, the past few days he's only talked to me about how worried he is about you. Of how much he wants to help you, but he can't do that unless you tell him what happened. And it hurts me to see him like that, you know?"
"Ichika…"
"He's someone very dear to me too." Ichika looked away, a bit embarrassed. "I don't want him to suffer any more than you're suffering right now. But if you're not honest with him, nothing will change. All you'll do is drive him further away, as he thinks he's to blame for what's happening to you."
Yotsuba lowered her gaze in shame. Everyone else remained silent, which seemed obvious as there was almost nothing else to say. Except one more thing: Ichika meditated for a few minutes to carefully pick her words. She had to say what Yotsuba needed to hear, but in a way so she would finally break that guilt and self-pity circle she'd been trapped in for so long.
"Fuutarou-kun deserves the truth," Ichika said in a finishing voice. "And more importantly, he deserves that you are the one to tell him everything. The more you take to tell him, the worse it'll be, and he may even make wrong assumptions about you, because you weren't honest with him. Think about it."
And with this, the oldest sister stood up, and the others followed, except Yotsuba who stayed by the table. They walked upstairs and got into their rooms, although Ichika intentionally waited for the others to vanish behind their doors before stopping by the upper floor's handrail to watch Yotsuba.
The fourth sister didn't even look up. She was in some sort of trance, in front of the table and all the scattered notebooks they'd left there. Maybe she'll pick them up later when she was in a better mood.
'I've done all I can,' Ichika thought. 'Now it's up to you, whether you fix it or not.'
And with those thoughts, she went into her room.
…
Now all alone in the living room, Yotsuba had nothing to do but think. The words her sisters told her, especially Ichika, still echoed in her mind, and recalling them only gave her stings of guilt in the heart. Everything was true, truths she already knew well, but had preferred to run away from the whole time. But she couldn't escape anymore.
Why did she always run away? Why was she ashamed of the person she was, of the little girl she'd been when she first met Fuutarou? The answer was simple: because she was an egoist with grandeur deliriums, thinking that she was better than her sisters and didn't need them at all. She didn't want to be grouped with them because she desired to be her own person, and she succeeded.
But at what cost? She distanced herself from her sisters, and in doing so betrayed her late mother's wishes. All because of a boy she'd met for a few days, and a stupid promise. Okay, maybe it wasn't that stupid, but even so the path she chose was far from the best. If she hadn't been so arrogant, if she'd accepted help when she clearly needed it, maybe things would have gone better for her.
"What do I do now?" she wondered, resting on the floor and looking up to the ceiling. "How am I supposed to talk to Uesugi-san? More importantly, what should I tell him?"
The last question sounded redundant now she spoke it aloud. In truth, she had many, MANY things to tell him. But that fear, that little voice whispering in the back of her head, telling her he would hate her if he ever found out the truth, continued to hold her back this entire time.
Until Ichika opened her eyes. Fuutarou wanted to help her, but he couldn't do so unless he knew what was wrong. And unless she told him, he couldn't know, and things would only get worse. Truth, there was a chance he would hate her… but he could also choose to forgive her.
All this time, she'd been so scared of what could go wrong, she didn't even consider the possibility of things going well. Maybe it wasn't so surprising, given her streak of failures, but in hindsight, almost all her choices that led to them had been motivated by selfish desires.
"Yeah… even my choice to always help everyone, it was just a way to satisfy myself," she said.
She thought it was a penitence to pay, for being so selfish before, but deep down it was just a way to feel better about herself. She wouldn't admit it out loud, but the few times she rejected doing something she didn't want to, she felt quite relieved. However, her always-trying-to-please-everyone attitude would always impose itself, and in the long run it had the exact opposite effect, causing more trouble for her loved ones than she could have anticipated. At this rate, she would end up not pleasing anyone… herself included.
Now the question was… what did she really want? What did she want for herself? She'd been running laps for so many years, she'd lost sight of her goals, completely unaware of where she wanted to go or what to do with her life. She felt so lost, in more than one sense. But with all that happened, somehow the answer to that question was clearer than ever. And it was so simple, she couldn't believe she never noticed before.
"All I want… is to be happy," she whispered. "But I don't know how anymore."
When she was a child, and this wasn't something she'd ever told her sisters, she had a foolish and childish dream, typical of girls her age: to be a bride. A typical, cliché dream from the fairy tales, until she grew old enough to learn that getting married didn't necessarily mean "Happily Ever After", with her mother's failed marriage being proof of that. Once upon a time she thought that would make her happy, just like she thought being the best among her sisters would make her happy too. But she was wrong on both accounts.
Looking back on her memories, the happiest moments she could remember in her life, were the ones she shared with her mother and her sisters during their childhood. And more recently, the ones she shared with Fuutarou. Why was she happy then? Maybe because they were, paradoxical as it sounded. But at the same time, it was because… she appreciated what they had at the moment. They didn't have much, in terms of material wealth, but what they had was priceless.
And even so, she wanted more in her life. One time she asked her mother if it was wrong to wish she had more money to buy nice things, and she said that no, it was a perfectly normal desire. It was then that Yotsuba decided for the first time to do something to help her mother, so she wouldn't suffer any more for keeping them all afloat.
That was something that could have strengthened their bonds, hadn't Rena died so prematurely. If only she'd been there to guide her…
"The bond with my family… and with Fuutarou… that's all I really need," she told herself aloud. "Mom… I wish you were still here."
All this time, she'd only pictured her mother with an angry and disappointed face, upset at all the mistakes she'd made. But today, for the first time, she pictured her being understanding, trying to comprehend why she did what she did, and help her get back on the right track, and telling her what to do to make amends.
Once upon a time she'd heard that the basis for any relationship was trust. Being honest with others, and oneself. The reason why she kept her past hidden all this time was because she was afraid, because she didn't trust herself. And Ichika was right on the mark when she told her she didn't trust Fuutarou, if she assumed he would think the worst of her by default.
So the first step to fix that was that, to tell the truth. She grabbed her phone and after scrolling down the contact list, she stopped on Fuutarou's. She took a deep breath and wrote a quick message, using the spur of the moment. "Hey, are you there?"
A few seconds later, the dots appeared, signaling that he was writing her back. "So you finally answered me, huh?"
Yotsuba let out a giggle upon seeing the message, and couldn't help but picture his usual serious face. "Sorry."
She took another deep breath. It was now or never. "We need to talk. Do you have any plans tomorrow?"
The answer came much faster this time. "Not really."
The Nakano clenched a triumphant fist. So far so good. "Think we could meet at the usual place?"
Naturally, the 'usual place' what that little park. It'd become a rather frequent and obligatory stop whenever they went out for jogging or working out, and they'd always sit on the swings to take a rest before heading back home.
Fuutarou answered. "OK. What time?"
Yotsuba breathed deeply one last time before typing. She decided the afternoon would be best, and after getting confirmation, she thanked him. Okay, it was done, no turning back now. Tomorrow would be the day.
She ran back to her room, and started searching everywhere. She didn't remember where she put it, as the last time she saw it was back when he gave it to her back in Christmas. She finally found it, buried under a stack of books she hadn't moved for months.
The photo that began everything. The photo of her and Fuutarou when they were kids. A beautiful and at the same time painful memory, for all that came afterwards and what it led her to do.
If it wasn't too late, maybe she could finally take a step to fix all the mess she caused. And if it was, she had to at least try. She wouldn't escape anymore.
The following day…
Even though summer was approaching, the wind that afternoon felt particularly chilly. In other circumstances, Fuutarou would have found it nice and refreshing, but it was hard to think about that when other things occupied his head.
The only sound he could hear was the screech of the swings' chains, dancing on the wind. He wouldn't be here if it wasn't because, after two days of radio silence, Yotsuba sent him a message saying she wanted to talk to him, and choosing this park as the meeting point. However, the Nakano had only said "mid-afternoon", not specifying an exact time. He'd come here at three, and it was almost four by now, after checking his phone's clock.
'Hope she doesn't plan on standing me up here,' he thought, before an involuntary chuckle almost escaped his lips, at how stupid it would have sounded, had he said it out loud.
Standing him up, like they were about to have a date or something. It was incredible that, after all that happened, he was still thinking about those things. But then again, maybe it was because part of him still wished for those things to happen. Or at least, go back to that normalcy they had before all this mess happened. All because of that stupid kiss.
Fortunately, five minutes before four o'clock, Yotsuba finally showed up. She clearly had come running at full march, as she stopped to gasp and try to catch her breath. She took about a minute to stand upright again and look around, before she spotted him and walked in his direction. He didn't even move from his position; he'd let her come to him on her own accord.
"Sorry… sorry I made you wait, Uesugi-san," she apologized.
"Well, I've been waiting for this conversation for days. What's just one or two more hours?"
His comment was meant to be a joke, intended to defuse the tension just a bit. However, he quickly noticed that it had the opposite effect, making Yotsuba feel even guiltier. Great.
"Better rest for a bit. We can talk more at ease later." He pointed at the swings for her to sit.
Luckily for them, there was a vending machine not far from there, and the boy pulled out a couple of orange juice cans before handing one to Yotsuba. He knew that was her favorite drink and maybe it would raise her spirits a bit.
Once they downed them, both remained sitting on the swings for a while. Yotsuba still looked down, and it seemed she wasn't still able to look him in the eye. She clearly was still ashamed, but he still didn't know why. He didn't want to pressure her any longer, but at the same time he was growing impatient to know the truth.
"So, are you finally gonna tell me what's wrong?" he said, trying to break the silence.
Yotsuba finally looked up, sighing in resignation. Without further words, she reached into her overall's front pocket to pull something out. Much to Fuutarou's surprise, it was the photo of him and Rena as kids, the one he'd given to Yotsuba back in Christmas.
"That's…"
"Do you remember what you asked me on Christmas Day? If I was the girl in this photo?"
The boy looked at her, confused, but nodded. Yotsuba looked away again, her expression filled with sorrow, and maybe guilt.
"Well… turns out I lied at the time. Actually, yes, this was me."
"It was you all along?" Fuutarou asked. "Then… why? Why did you lie to me?"
"Because I'm not proud of who I used to be then," she said, without a shred of doubt. "I was nothing but an arrogant little girl with delusions of grandeur. And I don't wanna be that kind of person, not anymore."
Fuutarou detected some anger in the Nakano's voice, mixed with sadness. It seemed Yotsuba didn't have any attachment for the person she'd been then. He could always tell she was a pretty bad liar, so in hindsight, maybe she felt she was telling him the truth, metaphorically speaking.
"So, when I asked you that question on Christmas, what you meant to say was that you used to be that little girl, but you're not anymore?"
It wasn't really a question. Yotsuba looked back up, and while she didn't say anything, the silence itself was an answer. A few seconds later, the girl smiled bitterly.
"At least, that's what I wanted. It's weird, every time I look back, I'm ashamed of how I used to be, and I try to change, but deep down, I'm still the same as before. The one who causes nothing but trouble for everyone. It's like… like I really don't want to leave that part of myself behind."
"And why should you?" Fuutarou asked. "Sometimes we can't change who we are, no matter how hard we try. That's not necessarily a bad thing, you know?"
"You don't get it," said Yotsuba. "If only you know all the things I did, the kind of person I became… you'd be very disgusted and disappointed."
"That's what I want to know," Fuutarou replied. "What did you do? What's so bad you've kept it hidden from me all this time? You talk like… like you made something horrible and impossible to fix, or committed a crime. And really, all this time I've known you, you don't strike me as a person capable of that."
Fuutarou's words seemed to have a soothing effect on Yotsuba, as her expression relaxed. The Nakano, despite looking strong and full of energy outside, was very sensitive and fragile inside.
"Why don't you start from the beginning?" Fuutarou suggested. "Sometimes, to know where we're going, we need to know where we come from in the first place."
Yotsuba sighed with resignation. At last, it seemed she would finally talk.
"Before we met in Kyoto, I always had a bit of a complex. My sisters and I were identical, and Mom would always tell us that made us special. But I didn't feel it that way. Having to share everything was harsh, especially when we had so little growing up. And sometimes, Ichika would use that as an excuse to take my stuff away."
Fuutarou nodded. He already knew that part, how they'd gone through many economical struggles. However, the part about Ichika was new. The eldest Nakano had never mentioned it, which made it clear Yotsuba wasn't the only one keeping embarrassing secrets to herself.
"After a few months, it seemed Mom's health would improve. That only motivated me to be the best among my sisters, so she would be proud of me. But then, she suffered a relapse and… in the end she didn't make it. After she died, I felt completely at a loss. Before, I wanted to study and get a good job to help her, and all of a sudden she was gone. All I had done had been for naught."
"You must have felt very frustrated at the time," Fuutarou said. Even if it really wasn't her fault, as there was nothing she could have done being just a little girl, she must have felt that she could have done something more about it. "From what the others told me, you still continued studying hard after that."
"If I'm honest, there was always a shred of competition among us," Yotsuba admitted. "But out of us five, I was the one who took it seriously. Maybe I thought that, if I could be the best among my sisters, Mom would be proud of me, wherever she was."
To a certain extent, that made sense. In families with several children, parents would occasionally be much closer to one child than the others, even if they didn't mean to. Maybe because they shared more things in common, because a child needed more attention, or because they were proud of their achievements.
"It was then we were taken in by Dad," she continued. "Our economic situation improved overnight, and money stopped being a problem. I didn't have to worry about that anymore, but all of a sudden I felt I had nothing left. Except one thing… the promise you and I made."
Fuutarou felt a chill going down his spine, along with a sting of guilt in his chest. When he thought he'd finally leave that behind, that stupid promise came back to haunt him. Everything came down to it, apparently.
"At first, everything seemed to be going well. I got good grades, even if I was barely above average. Then my sisters began catching up to me, and eventually surpassed me. I was no longer the best, and I knew it.
"So I doubled my efforts, but it didn't work. Sometimes they even tried to help me, but I refused. I told them I didn't want to be grouped with them, that I was different and didn't need them. I wanted to prove I could handle all myself."
Fuutarou's guilt sting came back stronger. That sounded a lot like himself, when he distanced from his friends back in elementary school. Takebayashi had offered to tutor him for the final exams, but he said he didn't need it. Maybe he wasn't too rude, but he definitely was a bit arrogant when he said it.
It looked like he and Yotsuba had more in common than he thought at first glance.
"When I couldn't get better in my studies, I turned to practice sports. I got into every club I could, and much to my surprise I did well at everything. I felt like I finally found something that made me special, something that would put me above my sisters… until everything crumbled."
"Because of your grades," said Fuutarou. "Let me guess: you got into so many sports clubs, you had no time left for studying."
At first, he thought the rumors about Yotsuba taking every one of the sports teams to the nationals was an exaggeration. But if she really sacrificed her study time to dedicate it to sports, then it was more plausible.
"Yeah, that's what happened," Yotsuba confirmed. "In the end, I flunked out in the makeup exams, and when I was offered to transfer to another school so I wouldn't repeat the year, the others said they cheated, so they would be transferred with me and I wouldn't be alone. I couldn't believe it. They were willing to do that for me, even after I treated them like trash, after I tried to distance myself from them."
Yotsuba remained silent for a moment. They were approaching another turning point, and Fuutarou knew it. For the first time since the conversation started, the fourth sister steeled herself before she resumed, this time speaking in a firmer tone than before.
"But I couldn't allow that. I'd fallen in that hole myself, and I wasn't going to drag them, even if they wanted to. It wasn't fair they paid for my mistakes. I convinced them they could support me in other ways, without having to stoop down to my level. Dad then suggested I would get a private tutor to help me at my new school, and then…"
"It was then we met at the cafeteria," Fuutarou finished. Yotsuba turned around, and giggled in a genuine way.
"Ironic, isn't it? You know, not a single day passed without me thinking about you, wondering how you were doing. Just imagine my surprise when I found you, and then Dad told me you'd be my tutor. You couldn't fathom how happy I was, that we'd get to spend time together again."
"So… why didn't you tell me anything then?" he asked. He would have been happy to know it was her, to see her after so long. Yotsuba's smile dimmed down again.
"Because I was ashamed. When I saw you were the top student in your school, that you kept our promise while I couldn't do so, I was afraid. Afraid you'd be disappointed in me, or maybe that you wouldn't believe I was the girl you remembered. No, at that moment, I figured it'd be better if you didn't know."
Fuutarou tried to object, but after assimilating the girl's word, she reflected a bit. In hindsight, the him from a year ago may have reacted negatively. True, he had kept his promise and became an excellent student, but that was at the cost of becoming an asocial, grumpy loner without friends, someone who forgot more important things.
Both had changed a lot during those five years because of that promise, but also during the year after Yotsuba had been transferred to his school. And despite all that was happening now, said year was filled with precious memories for him.
"For a while, I thought maybe, if I could raise my grades, I could tell you the truth. But then, I saw Ichika was starting to get close to you. You seemed to get along so well… I thought it'd be best if I stepped aside, even if I felt jealous inside. Just like six years ago."
"What do you mean 'six years ago'?" he asked, confused. Yotsuba took another deep breath. He sensed that another very, very important explanation was coming.
"Back at Kyoto, I wasn't the only one you interacted with. When I went back to my hotel and told everyone about you, Ichika and I began arguing. She told me that, since we were identical, you'd never notice if we switched places, and I betted that you would. So she switched places with me during the third day."
"Wait… are you telling me the girl I played cards with wasn't you?" Fuutarou asked. "That was Ichika?"
"Yes. She recognized you too, you know? She knew it was all along, after all this time."
Well, now that was an unexpected turn, but in hindsight, now it made sense. Fuutarou recalled that, the day after they played cards, the girl, or rather Yotsuba, seemed a bit upset for some reason. She was upset because she and her sister had traded places, with him none the wiser.
Now the old man's words about "using love to tell them apart" came back stronger. Obviously, a naïve twelve-year-old would know nothing about that.
"At the moment I was really angry," she continued. "Ichika would always take my stuff, my candies, my toys, even my friends, always using the 'we share everything' excuse. Just once in my life I wanted something for myself, something no one could take away from me, not even my sisters. It may sound selfish, but… that's all I wanted.
"Then I realized, I did have something. The promise you and I made. Ichika would never take that from me, even if she wanted to. I didn't have to tell her, it was our secret. If I could be the top student, the best among my sisters, then I would fulfill my promise, and I would be able to stand proud in front of you when we met again."
That promise… that accursed promise. At long last Fuutarou understood, it all came down to it. He didn't know, but due to the fact Ichika was often picking on Yotsuba taking her stuff away, a gap was already forming among the Nakano sisters, and when he showed up and made that promise, without meaning to he sped up the process, by giving Yotsuba the push she needed to 'grow independent' of that collective identity.
"When I started racking up victories, I thought I'd finally found my place. That I would finally have something for myself, that Ichika and my sisters would never have. I was so sure of myself when I was the best, until everything crashed and burned. Those victories in sports meant nothing if I got expelled because of my grades. All my efforts had been for nothing."
Fuutarou wanted to tell her that wasn't the case. Looking on the bright side, at least she'd become a sociable person with many friends, instead of a cold and asocial loner like him. However, he knew better than to pour salt on the wound, as that would come across as pity. That was the least thing she needed.
"Sometimes I think, I wish Mom was still here. I'm sure she would have given me the lecture I needed to get back on the right track." She sighed bitterly. "She probably feels very disappointed in me right now, wherever she is. And I just wanted to make her proud."
Fuutarou reflected on the last few words. Maybe, just maybe, that was the true root of the problem. Yotsuba had worked as hard as she did because she wanted her mother to feel proud of her. Maybe, subconsciously, that was the coping mechanism Yotsuba used to deal with her loss. And considering how distant Mr. Nakano was with them, she probably lacked proper parental guide during that time.
That, along with the promise they made, had become a heavy chain that continued to drag her down, and she'd never be happy as long as she continued to hold on to it.
"You see now? I'm a horrible person," she said. "Go ahead, hate me if you want, I deserve it. I'm a fool, a hopeless liar who can't get anything right. I cause nothing but trouble for the people I care about."
The Uesugi boy swallowed the Nakano girl's words. It seemed like she was ready to burst into tears at a moment's notice. No doubt she was at a point where she would need a shoulder to cry on, and he was more than willing to assume that role. Before that, though, he still had a few things to say.
"You're right about something. You're a fool alright," he said sharply. "But not for the reasons you think."
"Huh?" Yotsuba looked up with confusion. Now was the time to say what she needed to hear.
"Yotsuba, you're not a horrible person just because you made a few mistakes. You just believe that because you still feel bad for what you did, even if you've worked so hard to make amends."
"And what good did I do?" she asked. "I still continue to make mistakes and cause problems for everyone. Nothing has changed. I haven't changed."
"If we're gonna be like that, maybe I haven't changed either," said Fuutarou. "And I too made many mistakes because of that promise we made. Does that make me a bad person?"
"Of course not!" she exclaimed, apparently indignant. "You became the school's top student, and one of the best in the country! I on the other hand… did nothing but cause woes to everyone. To my sisters, and you."
"Was that ever your intention?" Fuutarou asked. "Were you actively trying to cause them trouble or harm in any way?"
"I… no, of course not," Yotsuba finally admitted. "I never meant to harm anyone."
"There you go," said Fuutarou. "On the other hand, what do you think I've gained from studying nonstop? Sure, there's my national ranking, but at what cost? Leaving my friends behind, becoming a loner who forgot how to enjoy life?"
A gasp escaped from Yotsuba's lips. He'd nailed it, so he had to keep pressing now. Right then and there, he had to hold back a chuckle, from the irony of what he was about to say.
"In a way, we were both idiots. We worked so hard to be the best, we lost sight of what we really wanted. Even if we had succeeded, in the end we'd be alone, with no one to share our triumphs. Would it be worth it?"
Yotsuba looked down again. Both of them knew the answer to that question. In a way, she had saved him from falling into a downward spiral of apathy and loneliness, and now it was his turn to do the same for her.
"Listen, I know you're a complete wreck right now. You need time to sort out your feelings, and to forgive yourself. And I… well, I'm just out of a break up, if we can call it that way. Obviously I need to heal some old wounds before I get back into a relationship. But I want to ask you something."
"What is it?" she asked. Fuutarou breathed deeply, carefully choosing his words. The answer he gave would probably determine what would happen between them in the future, and he knew it.
"Let's give ourselves some time. If you want us to just remain friends, that's fine with me. Just… don't push me away, okay? I want to be there for you. As a friend, or anything else, I just want to be there to support you when you need me."
The Nakano girl's eyes became glassy, and her lips began to tremble. "Uesugi-san… Fuutarou…!"
She couldn't hold it anymore and letting out the waterworks, she jumped at him, hugging him tightly and screeching the swings' chains. He'd long been missing those rib-breaking hugs of her. Even the pain right now seemed no big deal, if he imagined how she was feeling right now.
But that was fine for him. He would gladly offer both shoulders to her so she could cry to her heart's content, even his shirt to blow on, forgive the unsanitary. That would be a small price to pay if he could see her laugh and smile as always, just so she could brighten up his days like before.
He just wanted to see her back as that cheerful girl he fell in love with, even if he took so long to realize.
…
Not too far from there, someone else watched the interaction out of sight. The eldest Nakano sister couldn't help but follow her sister in secret, but she stayed out of hearing range so as to not eavesdrop on their conversation. After all, it wasn't hers to know what they were talking about.
However, she felt a huge relief when her sister jumped on the boy and hugged him. It looked like she finally let out those repressed feelings after a long time. She wouldn't need any more pushes. Now she could go on by herself.
"Hmm?" Suddenly she touched a cheek, noticing a tear had escaped from her eye. "What's this? Why am I crying?"
It made no sense. She should feel happy for her sister and Fuutarou, as they'd finally been able to talk things out and take a step to fix their situation. Then, why was she crying at seeing them together like that?
After pondering for a bit, she came to realize that yes, she was happy for them, but that happiness was marred with a bit of sadness. The thoughts and memories of the time she dated Fuutarou were still there, and helping her sister fix things up meant it was her turn to step aside for both their sakes. It was a painful sacrifice, but she knew it was the right thing to do.
"It's okay…" she whispered to herself. "We all find our own happiness, in due time."
She turned around and walked away silently. Her time with Fuutarou may have come to an end, but brief at it was, it would be a precious memory for her. There was nothing else she could do about it.
She just hoped her sister would eventually give herself a chance. And with all her heart, that Fuutarou would return those feelings, as she knew better than anyone they were genuine. After all, she had them too.
To be continued…
Author's notes:
Oof, and after another (very long) absence, I'm finally back, people! As I said in previous chapters, many things happened, and the first trimester of 2023 was a chaos for me, between the classes at the university, concluding the rehab therapy in my hands (they released me last month, thankfully), and a bunch of other events that cut down my time and inspiration for writing. But I guess I'm finally back on my pace, and with some luck, the remaining months I'll be back to a more regular schedule, if there aren't any setbacks.
Now, for the chapter itself, no doubt this one has been the hardest to write so far, even though I had it more or less thought in my head from the start, but it kept me stuck for a while and my progress with it was slow, very slow. In fact, it was getting so long that in the end I chose to cut off a scene and conclude it on the point you saw here (rest easy, the scene in question will begin the next one). But I guess I'm finally past the toughest point I had planned for this story, to get Yotsuba to finally open up with honesty in front of Fuutarou and tell him the truth. Of course, and although I'm sure many will be disappointed, this doesn't mean they're going to hook up right away. It's just the first step for both of them to heal those wounds, but from now on, the final act will begin, as the two will gradually grow closer to each other, until they're finally ready to begin a relationship as a couple. And also solve some personal issues they still have on the way there.
As for Ichika, while she technically won't be part of the love triangle any longer, that doesn't mean her relevance in the story will fade. She will make her part in supporting Fuutarou's relationship with her sister while growing as a person herself. I'll take the chance to let you know, the scene I found the hardest to write was no doubt the argument. Partly because I was having difficulties getting the other sisters to intervene, but mostly because my intention was to show a side of Ichika we didn't get to see in canon: namely, how she would act when she's angry and has to impose her authority as the eldest sister. You know how it is, the nicest ones tend to be the scariest when they get mad (and Miku in canon was proof of that, with that killer instinct she irradiated when she got jealous).
Thanks for the reviews to Tertius711, Fuck Names, AbberantLancer, TheMist33, Guest, bobalon and arpitdutagvqjw,as well as Shadechu Nightray for her continued beta reading work. Until next time, sayonara.