Asuka's eyes shoot open. She's lying in her bed. The sun is young, the birds are singing.

She sits up, staring at the ground in front of her. She removes her hand from the blanket. It's shaking. She doesn't feel as bad as yesterday, though. She doesn't feel as bad as any day that came before here.

She gets up and goes to the kitchen. She's feeling energetic, almost, but tense. Still not knowing what to think, she sets the hot water on. She watches the gas flame heating it for a little while.

She turns to look over her shoulder.

Kensuke's bed is empty and made-up. He's not here.

She feels a wrenching in her stomach, and she actually goes to one knee, hand over her mouth. Her eyes search about, unseeing. It's hitting her.

Yesterday, it was like nothing mattered. Now, it's like all the consequences are laying bare right in front of her.

She turns again. Kneeling here, she can just see the corner of Kensuke's sleeping mat.

I know how to fix any problem, she hears herself say.

She gets up, walks back to her bed, and grabs her phone. She decides not to think about it and she calls Kensuke right there.

It rings. Once, twice. It keeps ringing.

It picks up, and her heart skips. She hear's Kensuke's voice, but it's the sound of his voicemail. Her heart falls.

She looks at her phone. It beeps, waiting for a voice message from her, but she can't think of anything to say.

"Ken-Ken…" she whispers.

Shiawasena Tochi apartments are among many college-adjacent apartments in Sagamihara district. Built to be compact and affordable, they're dated, but lived-in. Cracks run along the plaster and bundles of wires run along the upper corner of the wall. But there are many potted plants and seasonal decorations on the outer walls and windows of the apartments she passes. She's been here many times, visiting Shinji.

There is a tension reaching from her middle that touches all the limbs of her body as she walks up the inner walkway, three stories above the courtyard below. Her legs are determined, though, and carry her forward.

She doesn't want to be here. But things cannot stay the way they are, so.

She stops, staring at Shinji's door. There's a purple butterfly hanging under the apartment number. She blinks. Is she really going to do this?

She raises her hand and knocks three times.

There is a good chance that no one is home. It's later Sunday morning. He could be out to brunch, or the park or something. She hadn't called ahead.

As she's thinking this, the door opens, and Mari is standing in front of her.

Asuka stiffens, eyes wide on Mari's.

Mari is not surprised. She seems expectant, even. She stares appraisingly at Asuka. "Good morning, Asuka."

It's the first time in forever she's heard Mari say her given name.

Asuka doesn't respond. This wasn't part of the plan. But why wouldn't Mari be here? She'd live here if she could. She's all-in like that.

The memory comes back, unbidden.

She'd been working with Mari for only two weeks, but she had already taken to sidling up to Asuka, unnecessarily close, and hugging her every chance she got.

'What's with you, anyway?!" Asuka had protested.

'What's with me?' Mari had replied, unfazed. 'I'm not like you Japanese people. When I see what I want, I go straight for it.'

She'd nuzzled up against Asuka's shoulder.

'So I always get what I want.'

Asuka needs to say something.

"Good morning," she half-mutters.

Mari looks at both her eyes. She shakes her head. "Still not the Asuka I know. But you brought yourself here, that's something. I called you yesterday. Too good to talk to me now?"

Asuka can feel a chill almost in her spine. She shakes her head.

"Why are you here, then?" Mari asks.

"To talk to you," Asuka finds herself saying. It hadn't been true, but suddenly, it is.

"Oh, really?" Mari says with characteristic confidence. "I'm not sure that's true… you sure seemed surprised to see me. Did you forget who my boyfriend is? It's Sunday, you know. Don't you think we might be spending some quality time together? Honestly, you're lucky I'm dressed–"

"Mari, I'm sorry." The words jump out of her, but then they dry up. She's having a hard time finding her voice.

Mari's eyes twitch. "Oh? Sorry for what?"

"I'm sorry I kissed Shinji."

Mari tilts her head, her appraisal changing. She's still not angry. Not yet. "I see… and why are you sorry about that?"

Asuka blinks. Why? She needs to say why? "Uh…"

"Uh," says Mari. "Uh. I honestly don't remember the last time I heard Asuka say uh."

Asuka is beginning to feel humiliated. Mari is right, she's not herself.

But she's closer than she was yesterday.

"I'm sorry because you're important to me, and that's not how friends treat one another," she says with more urgency.

Mari's eyes flash. "Is that right… I'm important to you, am I? And why is that?"

Asuka blinks. Now she's being ridiculous. She expects an answer to that question? Mari's eyes bore into her.

Asuka's expression hardens.

"Because for fifteen years, there was one person who was by my side every day. Fighting for everything we stood for. And for our lives. Because there were only two of us, on that ship, in that world, who understood what it meant to pilot an eva. To face off against gods, together. Our war against NERV, against Gendoh fell onto the backs of Unit 02 and Unit 08. And that meant it fell on us. We were unbreakable together. It was the only reason we survived."

Mari watches, drinking her in. Asuka senses satisfaction, but she's still waiting.

"It was the only reason we won."

Mari steps forward. Asuka takes a half-step back, surprised. Mari comes within twenty centimeters of her face.

"If that's true, battle sister, is there anything else you might be sorry for?"

Asuka blinks, breathing fast. Of course. She feels tears coming to her eyes and she fights it with every fiber of her being. She steadies her voice.

"I'm sorry I shut you out since we woke up."

Mari nods almost imperceptibly, and without saying anything, pulls Asuka into a crushing hug.

Asuka blinks against her collar bones for a second, wrapping her arms around Mari as well.

As they separate, Asuka just catches Mari wiping wetness away from her right eye before she turns around. "Fifteen missed calls!" she exclaims, walking back into the apartment.

"Fifteen!"

She's talking about that first day. She had seemed desperate to reach Asuka, but Asuka hadn't been available to anyone that day. Even Kensuke.

Mari points behind her as she leaves the living room toward the kitchen. "You may speak to Shinji now. He's right there."

In the bedroom doorway, across the room, half of Shinji's profile is visible. He turns from Mari, surprised, to Asuka. She sees fear on his face.

He was there the whole time?

For an instant, Asuka wants to run. She walks in and closes the front door behind her.

Shinji sheepishly steps into the living room. "Asuka…"

Her heart feels like a piece of paper between two pulling hands. Like it could rip at any second. Of all things, words from last night come back to her.

Defeat your foe, and you shall have your reward.

"Shinji," says Asuka, as if she were confident.

Shinji is frowning, but also determined. This time of morning, the apartments around them are nearly silent. Bright sunlight pours in through the blinds over the old couch and coffee table. Of all things, she actually thinks back to Misato's apartment, where they had been kids together. The last time they had been in the same place in life.

A lot of words move through Asuka's mind. She settles on these.

"I'm sorry I did that to you, on Friday."

Shinji studies her. "The kiss, or everything else?"

Asuka blinks. To her dismay, more of that conversation is coming back to her. Wincing, she presses a palm into her eye. She looks back at Shinji.

"I don't blame you for what happened."

Shinji's expression changes, receptive.

"After the second impact, and everything that happened, I felt like it was unfair. That we had to take that on. As just kids. But the fighting went on, and I grew up until I didn't feel that way anymore. But you… right up until the end, you still were a kid. I hated that, but… it's because I envied you.

"But even after all of that, when the time came, you somehow did exactly what we needed you to do. I don't know how you defeated Gendoh, but you did. And you tried to fix everything. And I may not be the best person to ask… but it seems like you did a good job."

"It's like I said before," replies Shinji, surprising Asuka, "I didn't do that much. I just made sure things went back to their place."

Asuka nods, taking it in, this time. "I–"

"Asuka," Shinji interrupts, "I'd like for you to take back what you said about my parents."

Asuka blinks. His parents? She–

I don't know where they are now, but I suspect they're where they're meant to be, as well.

In Hell, I hope.

Asuka swallows. She had forgotten about that until this second.

"I'm sorry," she says in a dry voice. "I didn't really mean that."

Shinji nods. "It's okay, Asuka."

"I didn't mean the kiss either," she says suddenly, "I just…"

Shinji frowns, but not in disapproval. He wants to understand.

Asuka stares at something miles away. "I was just looking for something that I didn't know how to get." She nods. That seems right. "But that's not how to get it."

Shinji walks forward until he's standing in front of her.

"Asuka, does standing here make you think of Misato's apartment, as well?"

Her brow furrows. Why is he…? How could he know that?

He smiles. "We're connected, you know. I'm glad I had you, back then. You were like my annoying kid sister."

Asuka's face contorts into outrage. "Kid?"

"I don't know how I could have done it without you," he says, scratching the back of his head. "I felt like I was on an island, before you came along. You pushed me. I never felt like a part of everything until you came."

Asuka sucks in a breath.

"Don't be mad," he says. She narrows her eyes. "But if I did have the kind of power you were talking about… If I could have made everything just the way I wanted… I would have made sure you were happy here. I would have made you the happiest of all, if I could."

It's the worst kind of betrayal, because tears fill Asuka's eyes and there's nothing she can do to stop them.

Before she can smack him or do anything to properly protest, he pulls her into a hug. Her tears spill onto his shirt.

"Idiot…" is all she can manage.

Asuka feels strange, as she arrives home. She felt that way the whole train ride over. Like she's floating, not entirely in her body. She wants to hate it, but the will just isn't there.

She unlocks the door with a certain amount of trepidation. She opens it and steps inside. The house is quiet. Kensuke isn't there. She felt like he wouldn't be.

She's still not that hungry but she needs to eat, so she does. In fact, she opens the recipe book to the bookmark she and Kensuke had left together. He won't be there to help her make it, but he can have some when he gets home.

She chops the onions how he taught her. She doesn't cut her finger this time. She chops the carrots, and celery, and potato as well. Stirring it patiently as it simmers for a long while. Her mind is almost blank. Almost. It's good to have something to keep her hands busy.

She pours the soup into a bowl and even eats it at their table. She cleans the dishes, putting the rest of the soup into the fridge, into a sealed container, like Kensuke prefers. She bathes herself, and puts on her sleeping clothes. She brushes her teeth.

Kensuke never comes home.

She thinks about calling him again, but has a feeling like she shouldn't.

The last thing she does before getting into bed is walk into his work area, grab his mat, blanket and pillow, and put them back beside hers, where they belong. They need to be ready for him.

She lays down, the fluttering in her chest not quite silent.

She stares at the wall for a long time.

Images of evas, the eye of the angel, a dark pit, and a strange hand reaching for her chest fill her mind. Her brow is furrowed, and her eyes are haunted.

It will not be possible for her to sleep like this, she realizes.

When I see what I want, I go straight for it, she hears Mari say.

Maybe it's not too late.

She gets up and she starts getting dressed. The last train hasn't left yet.

Asuka knocks at the door. This is a long shot. She feels insane. But the worst case… she has to go back home, and sleep by herself.

Or not sleep, whatever. It wouldn't be the first time.

Her hand clutches her skirt. She's really hoping this works out, though.

The door opens. Shinji is wearing his pajamas. A ridiculous matching set that she is positive Mari bought for him.

He's surprised. "Asuka…"

She didn't feel insane before, she realizes. Now she feels insane.

"Shinji," she says, but the words stop there.

He scratches his head. "What are you doing here?"

She just stands there breathing for a little while. Then she tells him.

His frown of confusion, turns to a look of shock, and then dismayed uncertainty.

"Asuka, I… I don't know how to respond to that…"

"Just once," says Asuka. "Just one night." She feels like she's begging. She can't stand begging. "Please don't turn me away."

He screws up his lips. "Alright, hold on. Let me call Mari."

He stands with his back to her on the other side of the living room. Mari answers swiftly, of course.

"Hi, Mari…"

"Yes, well… Asuka showed back up."

"Well… oh, man, how do I explain this to you…? It's like…"

She can't quite hear it all.

"Yes, that's right. What? You think so? Well, if you're sure. Yes, yes, I know you're sure."

The conversation ends and Shinji walks back over to her. He opens the door and beckons her in. She steps inside.

"You need to brush your teeth."

She doesn't bother protesting that she already did, and furthermore, she never goes to bed without brushing her teeth–except when she's drinking, but…

He leads her to the bathroom, and unwraps a fresh toothbrush for her.

She spits into the sink and is just drying off her face with the towel when she sees Shinji standing behind her.

"Did you bring pajamas?"

She lifts the hem of her dress to show she's already wearing an old pair. She never wears them at home, but tonight it seemed prudent.

"Asuka, what's going on?"

She stiffens at the question.

"I feel like there's a lot you still haven't told us," Shinji continues.

Oh. He's talking about the fact that she is losing her mind. That her dreams are full of faceless figures and evas and nightmarish angels. That she probably doesn't belong here and sooner or later is going to dissolve into LCL like the unfortunate girl that followed them out to Village-3.

"I've just been having trouble sleeping," she says easily.

"Ah," says Shinji.

"And Kensuke hasn't come home in a couple days," she continues, voice wavering only slightly.

"Ah." Without further question, he beckons her into the bedroom.

Shinji is already prepared for bed, having probably been in it before Asuka knocked on the door. He climbs into his western style bed, turning to face the wall. In a smooth motion, Asuka pulls her dress over her head and dumps it onto the floor.

In her t-shirt and pajama pants, Asuka climbs into the bed beside him, pressing her back against his.

Finally, she lets out a long breath and her heartbeat starts to slow down.

It's impossible not to think about the past, like this. She swore, with all her being, that she had left it behind. But here it is, right in her face. And right now, it feels like the only thing holding her up.

They lay there in silence for a time. Asuka knows she will be able to sleep like this. She's beginning to fall asleep, and thinks nothing of the soft sound of the front door opening and closing.

Until she feels the covers move, and looks up in surprise to see Mari climbing into the bed with them.

She lays down on the other side of Asuka. The bed should be crowded, with the three of them, but they are close together. Shinji doesn't move.

Asuka locks eyes with her. She's not as puppy-ish as usual. Mari smiles at her, like she knows something Asuka doesn't.

In a smooth motion, she reaches her pale arms around Asuka and pulls her head into her chest. Mari's thumb brushes her cheek.

And they lay there like that, all three touching, in the silence of the night. Soft moonlight creeps under the blinds of the window near the bed.

Wide-eyed at first, Asuka breathes in Mari's scent until she relaxes, muscle by muscle, melting into the bed. This will work. This will work fine.

She melts into the darkness with them.