AN: Thank you for the support! It is very deeply appreciative!
"My life is falling apart!"
Hermione paced from one side of Severus' sitting room to the other, her scowl a striking resemblance to his own. Perhaps spending every Wednesday studying together was rubbing off on her. Only time would tell if this was a positive development.
"First, my parents glared at me when I told them Ron would be my date to their barbie," She stopped and huffed. "I mean, they glared at me for saying I want to bring the man I love with me to family events! How could they not want me to be with the man I love?"
"Apparently he is not the man they love," Severus leaned back onto his white sofa.
"They need to get over their dislike of him."
"Contrary to popular belief, they are allowed to like and dislike whoever they please."
"Yes, well they can keep their opinions to themselves," Hermione argued. "I can make my own decisions. If I want to be with Ron, they just have to accept that. If Ron wants to marry me, then we'll be married and there isn't anything they can do about it."
Severus' body went cold at the idea of her in a puffy, gaudy wedding dress, throwing away her life to tend to Weasley's every need.
"They need to get used to seeing Ron at events because he's going to be around them much more now."
"Did they outright say Mr. Weasley could not come to the barbie," the word would never sound right to Severus, but if he wanted to remain in Australia he needed to learn some of the local expressions, "or did they just give you an unhappy look, say 'okay,' and move on with their day?"
"They just gave me a look and said 'okay.' Then they started talking about the need to hire another dental hygienist."
"So they are allowing you to bring him despite their reservations."
"Yes, I mean I suppose so I mean," she crossed her arms over her chest. "Whose side are you on anyway?"
"Whichever one gives me a jar of Vegemite."
"Can't you buy some yourself?"
"Why endure dunderheaded shoppers when you can bribe someone else to do it for you? You save a fortune on groceries that way."
She exhaled. "I'll buy you some when I next see my parents."
He grinned.
"But first back to my story," her face reddened again. "I mean, my parents were bad enough with their reaction to Ron coming, but then everything got worse!"
"How?"
"I told Ron we were going to my mother's birthday barbie and I told him when it was. Then he started whining about how he was going to miss the Chudley Cannon game. Apparently they're playing the Holyhead Harpies, and this year they'll win."
"Hasn't he said that for the last four years?"
"Exactly," she threw up her hands. "We got into a huge fight about it. He thinks I don't support his interests. I told him I watched a Quidditch game with him last week, so that should be proof enough that I support him. Then he argued that I am forcing him to be around boring people who hate him. He actually called my family boring!"
Severus bit back the comment that Muriel and Wilford Granger were anything but boring. There was no need to advertise that he'd stayed in touch with them, not after the deal they'd made two days prior.
"Just because they don't have magic doesn't make them boring," she continued.
"No, muggles are quite fascinating in their own way," he admitted.
"See, you get it."
"There is a reason many consider me intelligent."
"You're behaving more intelligently than my parents and Ron are at the moment."
"I'm flattered to know I haven't lost my touch. If I was ever called a dunderhead I would die of humiliation on the spot."
"We cannot have that, now can we?"
"If you want access to a potions lab without filling out mountains of paperwork," he smirked. "No."
"Best keep you happy then," she relaxed.
"Indeed," Severus grinned.
"At least it's easier to keep you happier than it is to keep my parents and Ron happy. Ron just needs to make more of an effort to be with my family," she continued "They would like him if they saw the parts of him that I do."
"Please tell me the parts of him you want your parents to see are fully clothed."
"Of course they are," she slumped on the sofa beside him. "They keep telling me I could do better than Ron. They won't believe me when I say we are perfect for each other."
"It must be frustrating to have someone contradict your opinion in such a manner."
"Yes, especially when they're wrong."
He bit his tongue again.
Hermione made two fists. "They think I'm naive, that I don't know what I want. They think that I don't know how gentlemen treat women so I'm settling for scraps."
"In their defense, many men behave quite differently than Mr. Weasley does. Most men don't get drunk on an entire case of Young Henrys at their girlfriend's parents' Christmas party."
"Oh don't tell me you agree with them forcing Ron to replace the carpet he threw up on," she shook her head. "It took months to get my parents to speak with him after that."
"I am merely pointing out that one minute you will come in here desiring to create a potion to heal ulcers, and for the next hour we will be discussing how Ron and you got into a screaming match over him eating the last bag of Doritos."
"You must admit that eating an entire bag of Doritos without offering any to your partner is a capital offense."
"Oh yes, one should be hanged for it, something I'm sure your parents would understand and agree with."
"They would, which is why…" her scowl returned. "No, I'm not letting you take their side."
"Why would I be on anyone's side?" He asked. "The entire reason I decided to move to Australia was so I wouldn't be involved in the petty squabbles of my former students. So far, not seeing anyone from Britain, save you, has worked wonders for my mental health."
"You were wise," she groaned. "You were very wise to get away from Britain. Everyone from the Ministry to the Weasleys is annoying the piss out of me right now."
"You could always move to Australia…"
"So Ron can berate my parents every day and they can try to set me up with another man?" She huffed. "No, that won't happen."
"So it won't," he didn't understand the pang of disappointment in his stomach at the thought of her not being nearby. The sushi he had earlier in the day must not be agreeing with him. That was the last time he visited that Japanese restaurant despite their amazing mai tais.
"They need to see I can do worse than Ron," she sat up straighter. "They need to see Ron defend my honor from a man who is being an arse. Then they'll know how wonderful he really is."
Severus didn't dare tell her he couldn't think of many men who were bigger arses to her than Ron was.
"Harry is too polite and they'd see through the ruse, but you," her eyes grew. "You could do it!"
"Do what?"
"You can pretend to be an arse to me in front of of my parents."
"Excuse me?" He raised an eyebrow.
"You could be your snarky self, tell me that you don't notice a difference between my appearance as a teenager and now…"
"First of all, I have apologized for that offense on numerous occasions."
"You have several times," she replied. "And you fully made up for it by finding those old memory restoring spells for me and helping me perfect them before I used them on my parents. Then, you ensured my parents had no lasting ill-effects. I will always appreciate that."
"Then appreciate the fact I will not make the same mistakes again," he replied. "I am not saying one of the most hurtful things I can think of to a dear friend."
"Fine, you won't say you see no difference, but you could make a few sarcastic comments, insult my parents' food, perhaps flirt with me in front of Ron. Then, he would defend me. They'd see I could do worse and they'd accept Ron."
"What, pray tell, is in this for me?"
"I hear flubberworms are in short supply here."
"That is hardly enough to entice me, not when I can order potions ingredients from elsewhere and get them within a reasonable time frame," he answered.
"Fine," she glanced at the coffee table. "When's the last time you've had a meat pie from the Leaky Cauldron?"
His mouth watered at the memory of that dish. There were few things he missed about Britain, but that particular meal was one of them. Returning to Britain wasn't enticing, but if he could get someone to get him a beloved meal while also obtaining two free steaks…
"Do you want that?" The spark in her eyes was reminiscent of the one found in her father when he proposed his plan.
"Get me two boxes, throw in the flubberworms and you have a deal," he extended his hand.
"You're greedy."
"I'm simply opportunistic."
"Fine," she shook his hand.
Severus' lips curled up, now knowing he would have a most interesting weekend.
Surely the man who was a double spy for Dumbledore and Voldemort could survive a barbie with the Grangers.