Chapter 20

Hey there lovelies! Thanks SO much for your comments. It is always a treat to read them. So cool about Tumblr! I haven't used Tumblr in ages but just checked the page out! You guys are so sweet. Thanks so much for the kind words over there. Hope you enjoy the latest chapter xo. P.S I added a spoiler for the next chapter - hope you like it!

In the dimly lit kitchen, the soft hum of the refrigerator was the only sound breaking the stillness of the early morning. Vanessa sat on the edge of her couch, her phone clutched tightly in her hand, her eyes flickering to the screen every few minutes. The clock on the wall ticked relentlessly, each second amplifying her anxiety.

She had rearranged the cushions several times, trying to find a comfortable position, but nothing could ease the tension coiling in her stomach. Her heart pounded with a mix of worry and anticipation, a feeling that grew sharper each time she checked her phone. Still nothing.

Zac had just returned from a whirlwind European press tour for his latest movie. He had been gone for the last two weeks and Vanessa knew he was exhausted. He had promised to message her the moment he was back home, a small reassurance that had kept her anxiety at bay. She had tracked his flight, watching as it touched down hours ago. She knew he had landed, and yet she hadn't heard from him. Despite his insistence that she should sleep, she had told him she'd be up regardless, eager to see him the moment he returned.

Deciding to take matters into her own hands, she grabbed the extra key he had given her for his house and decided to check up on him. Letting herself into his house felt nostalgic, but there was a tinge of worry as well. The lights were off as if no one was home.

"Zac?" She called out into the void. No response.

As she approached his bedroom she felt an uneasy feeling in her stomach. Turning the doorknob, she was met with a messy room, clothes on the floor, and an agitated-looking Zac. His eyes were bloodshot and grew even larger when they saw her.

"Shit - you scared me." He clutched his heart as he reacted to her presence.

"Well, hello to you too, babe." She teased him, thinking he had just woken up from an impromptu nap, but something else caught her eye. Empty coffee cups and takeout containers littered the floor, indicating he had been home far longer than a few hours.

"How long have you been home?" She asked.

"Since Tuesday…" He sighed. Three days ago.

She was less hurt by his admission that he hadn't told her and more concerned for his well-being at that moment.

"I don't understand…" She said.

"I'm not feeling well. I didn't want you to catch it." He replied distantly, averting her gaze.

"Okay…. But you know nothing is contagious through the phone right?" She tried to bring levity to the situation once again but realized there was something deeper going on.

She sat down on the mattress and pushed back his hair lovingly. His forehead was clammy to the touch. "You don't have a fever…"

"Yeah…" He turned his face away from hers as if to hide his plight.

"Hey. What's going on? Talk to me…" She whispered, as if not to break the safe space by raising her voice.

He sighed. This was not how he had wanted her to see him. He had been fine for most of the press tour. He had even planned to surprise her by coming home earlier than she thought, but alas, bad times never announced themselves. But he knew one thing - he didn't want to bring her down with him.

"Look, maybe you should leave." The words felt like acid coming out of his throat, but there was an overpowering need to protect her, even if it unfortunately meant hurting her in the moment.

"What?" She was confused. She had JUST gotten a hold of him, they'd already missed out on three days together and now he was telling her to leave?

"Yeah, I'll call you when I feel better, okay? Seriously - you don't have to put up with this shit." He tried once more. He hated the thought of her leaving but he couldn't stomach putting her through this either.

"Oh. I mean if… that's what you want…" she trailed off. He heard the slight quiver in her voice and winced. "I guess I'll see you later…"

He felt terrible. Before he could apologize for his harshness, she had left. Shit. On top of everything he was going through, he had just made it a hundred times worse. But he had to sort himself out before he could sort out his relationship. If only he could figure out the first part. He groaned as he painfully closed his eyes.

A few moments later, the door burst open. Vanessa returned with a determined glint in her eyes. She remembered what Dylan had said - don't give up on him.

"No. You know what? No - you don't get to decide that. I don't want to go. I don't know what's going on with you but I don't want you shutting me out. I don't know why you don't even look happy to see me when we literally haven't seen each other in weeks and I've been looking forward to seeing you all day and I thought you were too but forget it - there's something bigger going on here. You don't have to tell me what's going on just yet, okay? Just let me be here for you. If and when you're ready to share - I'm here for you." She sat down next to him.

He sighed deeply. "I'm so sorry, baby. I don't mean to be an ass. I missed you so much." He was torn. On the one hand, he wanted her here with him too. He didn't want to be apart from her when he was struggling. On the other hand, he wanted to be strong for her and not scare her away with his weaknesses. She sat there patiently waiting for him to share more.

"I haven't slept in four days…" He admitted.

"Is it the jetlag?" She wondered.

"No… I wish," he let out a humorless laugh. "I don't know. I suffer from insomnia… but it's been getting better. I haven't had this much trouble sleeping in a long time. But ever since I landed back home, I've been so anxious I can't sleep."

"What do you think triggered it?" She rubbed the back of his hand in a comforting way.

"That's the thing - I don't know. I've been doing well. I've been doing really well, actually. And having you back in my life has really helped too. Seriously, baby, thank you." He lifted her arm and gave the back of her hand a kiss. "It's just - when I go through moments like this - it's so hard for me to shake it and I hate dragging anyone down with me. And then I get so depressed when I can't shake these feelings. I guess I just need to go through it and come out the other end."

"Hey - you're not dragging me down. We're a team. This doesn't work unless we're both okay. Okay? But we have to know what's going on in order to help each other."

"I know. God - I just hate you seeing me like this."

"Like what?"

"Weak. On edge. Just in this horrible shitty mood where I lash out for no reason because I'm frustrated with myself."

"You mean human? It's okay. It happens, babe. Seriously."

He appreciated her kindness, but he was unable to truly agree with her due when his self-esteem was at an all time low.

"Alright, so do you have anything you can take when this happens?" She inquired.

"Yeah I have some melatonin and sleeping stuff I take but it's not really doing anything. I just - I don't know why my heart is racing and I can't calm myself down… It just sucks.""

"Has this happened before?"

"On and off for the past 15 years…"

15 years? She was shocked.

"Have you ever told anyone about it?"

"I mean, Dylan knows. And my parents. I try not to stress them out too much with it, though, so whenever they ask if I'm okay, of course I say yes."

"What if you're on set?"

"I mean… I don't have much of a choice." His admission took her by surprise. Had he suffered in silence for so long?

He noticed her wide eyes. "Shit, I didn't mean to scare you. I'm okay, really. Sometimes it all gets a bit much. I've been working on finding ways to counter the stress and anxiety. Being out in nature always grounds me, and then I do my daily meditations. Just sometimes it hits me out of nowhere… sorry."

"It's okay, baby. I understand. Hey, have you had a shower today?"

"No, not really."

"How about this? You take a long, hot shower, and then we'll get you to lie down, okay?"

"Sure. Thank you, baby." He gave her a quick kiss before heading to the bathroom.

Alright, better get to work, she thought. She folded and tidied up his clothes and disposed of all the empty food containers. She looked back at her work and was pleased. Half an hour later, he'd returned looking somewhat more relaxed.

"Hey… you cleaned. You didn't have to." He admired her work.

"Oh, I did. I feel like something was going to crawl out of those boxes if we waited any longer."

"Ha. Ha." He retorted dryly.

"Shh. Now, come here. Lie down with me."

Once they were both lying down comfortably she asked him, "Do you want to try one of your meditation exercises together? Should I lead it?

"

"Yeah…"

She led the meditation exercise and noticed his breaths slowing down a bit. She persuaded him to let all his defenses down, not to think of anything and force himself to stay really still. She positioned herself right next to him and lay her head on his chest. She rubbed his stomach gently as she watched his breathing slowly become even.

When she was certain he was fast asleep, she skillfully extracted herself from his hold and found his laptop. She tiptoed to the living room as she began researching his symptoms. This was the most vulnerable she had ever seen him. She knew the past decade had taken a toll on him, but she didn't know the extent to which it had. While there may not have been one single event that had led to his struggles, she knew it was a culmination of a lot of different things. But she knew this was something she had to help him with if he was ready for it. After a while, she put his laptop away and carefully lay back down next to him as he subconsciously turned closer to face her and put his hand on her waist.

As she looked at his serene sleeping face, she couldn't help but feel proud of him. Proud of him for persevering and showing up for his work, his family, and friends over the years when he had his own struggles. She knew they had to help him further; this wasn't just a one-night thing. But they'd figure it out together. She didn't want to think he was alone anymore. She ran her fingers gently through his hair. "You're not alone. I'm here, and… I love you," she whispered. She loved him. She hadn't said it to him yet, but it was at that moment she realized she truly was in love with him. His lowest moment had given her the highest amount of clarity. She didn't love him only when he was at his best - she loved him despite his flaws, despite his shortcomings. And that was the truest test of any relationship

He stirred in his sleep. Had he heard her? She thought. "Hmm… keep doing that," he said as he leaned into her touch. She smiled as she continued to stroke his hair.

Twenty minutes later, he roused from his slumber.

"Did you sleep well, baby?" She asked.

"I did. Thank you… I'm really sorry about before. I didn't mean to get shirty with you."

"It's okay, I understand. I just want you to talk to me, okay? You have to tell me everything. The good and the bad."

"I know. I just hate anyone seeing me like this."

"I know, but I'm not just anyone, right?"

"No. You're not. You're everything. You're more important to me than anyone. That's why it's the hardest. I don't want you to see me like this."

"But I can't help you unless I see what's going on."

"I know."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Anything." He tightened his grip on her and looked her in the eyes.

"Have you ever considered going to therapy?"

She knew therapy was a sensitive topic for many people, especially men. She knew the stigma around mental health was diminishing but it was still a very personal and private decision.

"I have… it didn't end well." He sighed.

"What do you mean?"

"I met with this lady and it felt like it was a productive session until I got a call from someone saying they were going to release information from my session. I thought they were bluffing until I saw that they had her notes and a lot of real details from our session."

"Oh my God…."

"Yeah… thankfully we shut it down before anything went to the media but it was ridiculous. Honestly. I haven't felt ready to go back."

"I completely understand. But, maybe at some point, we can explore some alternative options?"

She didn't want to push him but she knew eventually when the time was right it would be best for him to explore therapy.

"Yeah… I suppose."

"Hey, you have to let the people you love in, okay? We only want what's best for you."

His head shot up. Love? She loved him? She loved this? Me? This trainwreck?

As if understanding his silent thoughts immediately, she confirmed. "Yes… I love you."

She loved him. "But I'm a mess…" he sighed.

"Yes, but you're my mess." His face broke out into the biggest grin she had ever seen.

"What about me, huh?" She continued.

"What about you? You're perfect…" His brows furrowed.

"Hardly! But do you love me…? Flaws and all?"

He realized he hadn't said it back. But that wasn't him hesitating - he was still in shock that she loved him. When it came to his feelings…

"I don't think I ever stopped… And now… God… of course… I love you too." He crashed his lips onto hers.

"Now that's a proper 'I haven't seen you in two weeks kiss'…" She smiled.

He grinned wolfishly before kissing her again.

Next chapter spoiler

….. it's all about Coachella :)