A/N: I originally had another chapter lined up for today, but my eternal fan Ryuujin96 had a request for me to do a chapter inspired by Monty Python's Life of Brian, so I took this as an opportunity to retell my favorite scene from the movie. Enjoy!
It was a dark, moonlit night in Rome, and a group of shadowy figures infiltrated the palace of Pilate Aizawa, entering through a hole in the floor in the main throne room. With torches in hand, they moved swiftly and silently, focused on but one goal: to kidnap Aizawa's wife. In the halls of the palace, they moved ever undetected, more solid than a gear made of metal. Thus far, everything was textbook. Suddenly, at an intersection, the leader of the group said "shhh", prompting everyone else to let out a collective "shhh". Apparently, they weren't the only ones who were interested in this place. However, after a time, nothing else happened, so the leader of the group led them onwards, only for them to get a nasty surprise: another group of similarly-dressed shadowy figures encroached on them. The leader of the other group uttered something in Latin.
"Oh uh…Paranormal Front of Liberation," said the leader of the first group. "What's your group doing?"
"We're gonna kidnap Aizawa's wife and give her back if he meets our demands!" said the second leader.
"That's our plan."
The second leader recoiled slightly. "What!?"
"That's our plan!"
"We were here first!"
"What do you mean!?"
"We thought of it first!"
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah, a couple of years ago!"
The members of the PFL laughed before their leader spoke up again:
"Have you got all your demands worked out?"
"Of course we have!" said the second leader.
"What are they?"
"Well, I'm not telling you!"
The members of the PFL scoffed at this, but the second group's leader thrust his finger at them.
"We thought of it before you!"
From that point on, the argument only got worse, and soon the PFL and their rivals were shooting Quirk after Quirk at each other, much to PFL member Tomura Shigaraki's dismay:
"Brothers! Brothers! We should be struggling together!"
"We are!" said another PFL member.
"But we shouldn't be fighting against each other! We should be fighting against a common enemy!"
Everyone briefly stopped struggling.
"The Paranormal Front of Liberation!" exclaimed most of them.
"No no, the Romans!" said Shigaraki.
Everyone paused, and then uttered phrases of agreement. Just then, everyone froze, for a Roman Centurion was passing by another hallway. Fortunately, they evaded detection, but not everything went as planned:
"Right, where were we?" said the second group's leader.
Much to Shigaraki's dismay, both groups began going at each other's throats again, this time with deadly effect. Just then, two of the top centurions, Izuku "Deku" Midoriya and Shoko Todoroki came to investigate.
"Hey, what the hell's all that noise down…"
Deku cut himself off when he saw the two groups of masked figures going at each other's throats. Shigaraki attempted to break up two of them, only to accidentally disintegrate them with his Quirk. He froze when he saw Deku and Todoroki, and broke out into a nervous chuckle.
"Heh heh…pizza?"
In the morning, when Shigaraki came to, he found himself being dragged to Aizawa's throne room, where workers were repairing the damage to the floor. Deku was leading Todoroki and Kacchan as they dragged Shigaraki in. Deku raised his right hand.
"Hail Caesar!"
Aizawa raised his right hand as well. "Hail!" Then, he took a bite of an Italian grinder he was eating.
"There's only one survivor, sir."
"Ah!" Aizawa muttered something unintelligible.
"What?" Deku raised an eyebrow.
Aizawa swallowed. "Sorry. Throw him to the floor!"
Todoroki and Kacchan threw Shigaraki to the floor.
"Now, what is your name, Jew?" asked Aizawa.
"Tomura Shigaraki, sir."
Aizawa took another bite of his sandwich. "Shigawaki, eh?"
"No no, Shigaraki."
Deku smacked Shigaraki in the back of the head. Meanwhile, Aizawa took another bite of his sandwich and muttered something else.
"Er, what, sir?" asked Deku.
Aizawa swallowed. "He's got spirit."
Deku smiled. "Ah, yes, he does, sir!"
"You'll never get away with this!" said Shigaraki. "I went to college!"
"Strike him, Midoriya," said Aizawa.
Deku backhanded Shigaraki again.
"And…throw him to the floor again?" said Deku.
Aizawa nodded and took another bite of his sandwich, and Todoroki and Kacchan both threw Shigaraki to the floor.
"Now, Jewish rapscallion…" Aizawa took yet another bite of his sandwich.
"I'm not Jewish; I'm a Roman," said Shigaraki.
"A Woman?"
"No no, a Roman, you fat idiot!"
Deku backhanded Shigaraki again. Aizawa swallowed and continued:
"So, your father was a Roman?"
Shigaraki nodded. "Yes, he was a Centurion in the Jerusalem Garrison."
"Really? What was his name?"
"Naughtius Maximus."
Deku broke out laughing, prompting Aizawa to stare at him:
"Midoriya, do you have anyone of that name in the garrison?"
Deku paused. "Well no sir."
"Well, you sound very sure. Have you checked?"
"Well no sir, um…I think it's a joke, sir."
Aizawa raised an eyebrow, prompting Deku to clarify:
"Like, uh…'Sillius Soddus', or…'Biggus Dickus', sir."
Todoroki and Kacchan had a good snicker at the mention of the name "Biggus Dickus", which riled up Aizawa:
"What's so funny about 'Biggus Dickus'?"
"Well, it's a joke name, sir," replied Deku.
Aizawa gritted his teeth. "I have a very great friend in Rome called 'Biggus Dickus'."
Another Centurion named Denki Kaminari tried to stifle laughter at the mention of the name, and Aizawa stormed over:
"SILENCE! What is all this insolence!?" Aizawa thrust his index finger at Kaminari. "You will find yourself in gladiator school very quickly with rotten behavior like that!"
"Can I go now, sir?" asked Shigaraki.
Deku backhanded Shigaraki yet again, and Aizawa walked over:
"Wait until Biggus Dickus hears of this!"
Once again, poor Kaminari had to stifle laughter upon hearing the name, and Aizawa had clearly had enough:
"Right, take him away!"
Deku pointed at Kaminari. "Oh sir, he uh…"
"NO! I want him fighting rabid wild animals within a week!"
"Yes sir! Come on, you!"
Deku dragged a poor, laughter-laden Kaminari away from his post, while the other Centurions looked on, ahd Shigaraki took a quick look around.
"I will NOT have my friends ridiculed by the common soldiery!" Aizawa began to pace out. "Anyone else feel like a little…giggle…when I mention my friend…Biggus…Dickus?"
Clearly, Todoroki did indeed feel that way upon hearing the name, and Aizawa approached another Centurion named Kyoka Jiro:
"What about you? Do you find it…risible…"
Jiro – who had her lips scrunched up in an unnatural way, slowly shook her head. Aizawa continued:
"…when I say the name…Biggus…Dickus?"
Like Kaminari, Jiro was having extreme trouble keeping a straight face. Clearly, Kacchan and Todoroki were too, which drew Aizawa's attention to them:
"He has a wife, you know! You know what she's called?"
Kacchan and Todoroki shook their heads.
"She's called…Incontinentia. Incontinentia Buttocks!"
Kacchan and Todoroki burst out laughing, as did the other Centurions, much to Aizawa's dismay:
"STOP! What is all this!? I have had enough of this rowdy rabble sniggering behavior!"
The Centurions kept laughing, while Shigaraki looked around.
"SILENCE!" shouted Aizawa. "You call yourselves Praetorian Guards!?"
Seeing an opportunity, Shigaraki broke away.
"SEIZE HIM!" Aizawa thrust his index finger at Shigaraki. "SEIZE HIM! SEIZE HIM! BLOW YOUR NOSES AND SEIZE HIM!"
Unfortunately for Aizawa, the Centurions were far too taken with laughter to comply, so Aizawa threw his sandwich on the floor in frustration, wondering where he went wrong.
Criticism is gold. Negativity and nitpicking are pyrite.