Ch 3 Running To Stand Still

"Nemo ex pessimo momento vitae suae iudicari debet."

Beau sprinted through the forest, his legs burning with every stride.

The sun hung high in the sky as the clouds that normally hung over the dreary town had left. The forest was alive with movement, chirping of birds and buzzing of insects created a pleasant atmosphere. One he charged straight through, music blaring in his ears.

Every fiber of his being ached as he pushed his body well beyond its limits. His muscles screamed for relief, but he ignored their protests, forcing his muscles to keep pushing.

Stopping wasn't an option. Pausing for even a moment meant opening the floodgates to a torrent of regret and loss that threatened to drown him. He had to keep moving, had to stay ahead of the pain. Never stop moving forward.

Beau's vision blurred, the world around him dimming as he pushed himself harder. Finally, his body gave out, and he collapsed against a tree, gasping for breath. Sweat poured down his face as he yanked off his headphones and gulped down water, his hand trembling.

It wasn't the first time he'd run all the way out to this clearing; it hadn't gotten easier. After taking a few moments to recollect himself, he wiped the sweat off his face and got to work. Sitting idle for too long was a bad idea.

He'd made this little spot into his impromptu gym. Forks didn't have one of its own, so he had to improvise.

It was deep in the woods, so nobody would disturb him. His 'bench press' was just a tiny boulder he practiced lifting. There was also a small pond, with surprisingly clear water for him to cool off in. A sturdy branch for when he did the occasional pull-ups.

He stared into the reflection in the mirrored surface of the water. It had grown steadily less familiar over the past few months.

His arms had grown somewhat, as had his legs, though he still looked scrawny., The faint outline of abs had just started showing. 'Not enough,' he muttered, clenching his fists. He knew he'd have to push harder to see any actual progress. Not that he really cared, but it made the mindless tasks easier with a tangible goal in mind.

Dark circles hung beneath his eyes, so pronounced now that it almost looked like he had mascara on. It was part of the reason he'd started running in these woods.

He could only sleep for a few hours soundly. It brought him no respite. It was always the same nightmare, every single night, without fail. He'd be back in these woods, running, not away from something but towards something.

And every night it got away from him, but he never stopped running in the dream. Never saw what he was chasing either, though he knew, he always knew.

That was enough of that. There was only one outcome whenever he went down that train of thought. He turned his music back on and went over to the boulder, its jagged edge cutting into his hands as he adjusted his grip.

With a growl of exertion, he hoisted the boulder above his head, arms trembling violently. After a few lifts, a sharp pain shot up his back like a lightning bolt, forcing him to drop the rock.

It crashed onto his big toe with a sickening crunch, sending shockwaves of agony through his entire body. Beau gasped, a sharp cry caught in his throat as the boulder crushed his toe.

He gritted his teeth, a bead of sweat trickling down his temple, and shoved the rock away with a grunt. It would've been smart for him to stretch, but what's done is done.

The sharp stinging in his foot was oddly comforting, a contrast to the numbing void that had swallowed his emotions for months. Pain meant he was still here, still fighting.

Still, now he'd have to cut his routine early. Probably for the best. Soon Charlie would be home and asking about dinner.

With a grimace, he started making his way back through the woods, still running. Each step was like landing atop a pile of needles stabbing into his toes.

By the time he reached the edge of the forest, the familiar sight of his home brought a fleeting sense of relief.

He staggered back to the house, each step sending jolts of pain up his leg. As he approached, he saw Charlie's car in the driveway. Steeling himself, he forced his posture straight and masked his limp before heading inside.

He was waiting for him, sitting at the dinner table with his arms crossed. This couldn't be good.

When he went into the kitchen, his injured toes clumsily smacked against the counter. A yelp of pain escaped his mouth before he snapped it back shut. He only just caught himself in time to avoid an embarrassing face plant.

He could feel his father's gaze burning a hole in his shoe while he tried to make himself look busy in the kitchen.

"What happened to your foot?" Charlie's voice was sharp with concern.

Beau shrugged nonchalantly, though his voice wavered slightly. "Just bruised it a little, no big deal." Charlie's eyes narrowed, clearly not buying it, but he let it go for now.

"Beau, we need to talk." Charlie's voice was firm, cutting through the silence.

"Sure, Dad. What do you want for dinner?" Beau replied, forcing a casual tone as he rummaged through the fridge.

Normally he'd cook something difficult to keep himself busy, but just moving around the kitchen was almost too much to bear. He'd make something easy instead, maybe a BLT or grilled cheese.

"Let's order something in tonight." Charlie paused, looking at Beau thoughtfully. "I've been meaning to tell you—I'm proud of how you've handled everything lately."

This stopped him in his tracks, forcing him to look at the man finally. His eyes narrowed in a wary expression.

"Really? What makes you say that?"

"The first break up is always the hardest. I thought you'd become a shut-in after everything that happened, but you bounced back. Your grades have gotten better, even with all the extra shifts at the video store. It's a shame they won't let you volunteer anymore at the community center, but I think you cleaned up as much litter from the forest as the rest of them combined. "

"Thanks, dad." He gave the man the best fake smile he could muster, desperately wanting this conversation to have already ended.

"Edythe doesn't know what she's missing," Charlie said, his voice attempting to be reassuring but missing the mark. "You're better off without her, trust me."

He physically recoiled from the name, as if struck by it, his knuckles whitening as he tightly grasped onto the kitchen counter. "Yeah, thanks," he muttered, turning away to hide the storm of emotions flashing across his face.

Beau was not 'better.' It looked that way from the outside, maybe. Beau felt like a ghost, a shallow reflection of the person he had been before.

His grades, his job, even the volunteer work he threw himself into served only as distractions. None of it mattered. Each achievement felt empty, a stark reminder of the gaping void in his life left behind by her absence.

He'd become so much worse, an empty shell of a person, acting out the motions with no desire for anything. Endlessly trying to fill a bottomless pit full of meaningless crap.

Charlie thought he was doing great, better than ever, actually. Good, it was better that way. He'd never been close with his father. For most of his life after his parents split, he'd been a mystery. He didn't blame him for not seeing; he didn't want him to.

He'd gotten better at hiding his true feelings as time passed. Like Carine had said, with practice, anything is possible.

Even the people who were supposedly close to him at school said mostly the same thing. The ones that still hung out with him, anyway. Most of his friends were tired of the thousand-yard stare and barely passable conversations.

He couldn't afford to show any signs of weakness, not to Charlie or anyone else. Admitting how often his thoughts drifted to her, how desperately he clung to distractions, was simply not an option.

The only thing he wanted was the one thing he could never have. It would probably be this way until he dies. He couldn't move on, and didn't really want to.

"I think my foot's broken. I'm gonna drive to the hospital. Be back later."

"Seriously!? Go! Don't make it any worse. Do you need me to drive you?"

"It's nothing serious, besides it's my left foot. I should be back before too long."

"Oh, okay. Is Pizza alright for dinner?"

He was out the door by the time he asked. Already slipping his earbuds into his ears and letting the music drown out his thoughts.

On his drive home, Beau realized something. He was driving down a flat and lonely road, no sign of life around him for miles. No houses, or other cars, only the darkness of the forest on either side of him.

No one would notice if he sped. He slammed his foot on the gas, and the engine roared to life. The trees blurred past as he hurtled down the road, a wild look in his eyes.

He'd never taken his new car above 50, out of respect for his truck or fear of going too fast, he wasn't sure.

Now his foot had the gas pedal pressed to the floor. The speedometer steadily rose and shook violently as it reached its peak.

It went up past 88 and he didn't time travel, pity. He kept going, reaching a blindingly fast 120, maybe faster, he couldn't tell. He'd only gone this fast once before, but it was the first time he'd driven it himself.

The landscape all whipped past him in a blur. The car rocked heavily on the road, nearly careening straight into a large pine tree. It took everything he had to keep the car in a straight line as the engine seemed to let out a metallic groan in protest.

If he wanted to, he could just let go. The car would lose control and at this speed it'd turn him to paste.

"You promised Beau, nothing stupid. Think of Charlie, of Renee."

The voice in his head wasn't his own, it was a girl's voice, a familiar-sounding girl. Whose voice he could never forget.

Why now? She'd abandoned him, leaving him in Forks with only his misery for company. Despite everything, he couldn't break his promise to her. He clung to it, a lifeline in the storm of his emotions, because that's who he was—someone who kept his word, even when it hurt.

His foot slowly crept off the accelerator as he got closer to Charlie's. He had at least cut down his travel time significantly. He wasn't really going to do it, but he could, there was nothing stopping him. At least he could still drive, though the large black boot on his left foot made it more uncomfortable.

They'd given him some spiel about how it wasn't technically a real cast, made out of fiber or glass or something. He hadn't been listening. There was a reason he'd chosen this over the standard white.

So nobody would sign it. He didn't want anyone's sympathy, or worse, their pity. He'd had plenty of that already.

Luckily, according to the doctors, it was only a minor fracture. He'd be able to take it off in a couple of weeks.

No exercise until then. A year ago, he'd laugh at the suggestion. Now exercising was a vital part of his routine. Without it, he desperately needed to find a substitute.

If he spent his days inside, sitting around waiting for his foot to heal, he'd go insane.

It was late, and he was pretty sure his 'friend' was still refusing to speak to him. Even hanging out with Jeremy beats being alone with his thoughts.

"Beau? You good man?"

"Yeah, sorry for calling so late. I was wondering if you wanted to catch a movie after school tomorrow?"

"Really? You don't go out, unless it's doing some boring crap. What's this about? Parents bugging you or something?"

"Is it that hard to believe I wanna hangout?"

"Yes."

"So, is that a no?"

There was a long and overly exaggerated sigh over the line before he responded. "I'm inviting Mckayla, so if you don't mind being third-wheel, we can. Oh, and we're taking your car."

"Okay, but just so you know, my car's only a two-seater."

"I know."

With that, his friend hung up. He already regretted making the plans. But Alan had gone on vacation to visit his family in Seattle and wouldn't be back for at least a week.

It's not that he disliked Jeremy. Actually, no, that was exactly it.

He had a sneaking suspicion about his longest 'friend.' That the only reason he hung out with him to begin with was his shocking popularity with the opposite sex when he first arrived at the school.

They could both agree that neither of them understood why it happened. Mass Hysteria? Something in the water? That was the only explanation that made sense to him. It couldn't be his looks, and his personality definitely needed work.

In his defense, it had worked. After he rejected Mckayla, the two of them had appeared to make a good couple. If still holding onto their irrational hatred of the Cullens.

Charlie was waiting for him when he got back, sitting at the kitchen table with a half empty pizza box beside him.

It was his fault for keeping him up. Of course, he'd be worried if he said he was going to the hospital, even if he acted nonchalant about it. He should've lied.

"How the hell were you walking on broken toes? Didn't it hurt?"

He shrugged his shoulders and went to his room, ignoring the worry in his father's gaze as he went to bed.

Asking to hang out with Jeremy was a terrible idea, one of his worst, actually.

They'd just left the school. After Mckayla spent a couple minutes geeking out over his car, they finally left for the movies.

Apparently she was a big fan of Back to the future. Apparently, everyone was in this godforsaken town. She'd watched them with either her dad or mother. He hadn't been listening enough to say for certain.

He was coming to hate those movies. It wasn't their fault. They were probably fine. It was Archie's for getting him a giant attention magnet to replace his beat down truck. Maybe this was his last revenge before he left, if so, then stellar job Archie.

Now the couple was sitting beside him. Mckayla atop Jeremies lap. They were trying to be quiet, but it didn't matter. He silently prayed an anvil fell from the sky so it could knock the wet sounds from the passenger seat out of his mind permanently.

You know what really makes forgetting the girl who dumped you easy? A happy couple to spend time with, not even intending to make you feel miserable with their casual intimacy and affection.

His eyes were glued to the road, though he couldn't help himself from stealing glances each time he heard a whisper or muffled giggle.

He'd agreed to this, invited them out himself. There was nobody else to blame but him.

"What movie do you think we should watch?"

Luckily for them, Jeremy had brought a pamphlet of their theaters showing for the week. Their choices were a smattering of romantic comedies, a generic action movie, and a horror flick.

He was able to convince them to watch the horror movie. Not because he was a fan of horror, he usually hated it. But he'd rather drown himself in the bathroom than watch a romantic movie with these two.

Beau paid for the tickets, and Jeremy was in charge of snacks. When they sat down, he and Mckayla shared everything, while Beau awkwardly sat beside them. It's not like he wanted anything from the crappy concessions, but he got the message.

Of course, he was the only one watching the movie. It was decent; it didn't need to be good. The plot was nonsensical, and the effects were far too dated to scare him.

All it did was distract his brain for a couple of hours, the only blessing he could hope for.

Upon exiting the theater, Beau spotted a familiar face. Casually chatting with a couple of men next to the door of a liquor shop across the street.

"Up for a drink?"

He gave no acknowledgement of his friend's attempt at humor. He was certain it was the same girl as before. Who'd nearly ended his life in that back Alley.

Once he crossed the street, he knew it was her. The men beside her left, leaving her alone in the alley. She spotted him too, reaching into her jacket and holding onto something.

"Don't."

Her voice again. She wasn't here. Probably hundreds of miles away, living a happy life with her family far away from him. What did she care if he was in danger? It was his life. He could do whatever he wanted with it.

"Hey piggy, haven't seen you around here in some time. Get hurt chasing some poor purse snatcher?"

"Say that again." He limped over, chest puffed up, towering over the girl. Despite his height advantage, a part of him knew this confrontation could end badly, yet the thrill of the risk momentarily overshadowed his caution.

He wasn't that weak little boy she'd almost shot before. That boy was dead.

"Goddamnit Beau! Don't be an idiot, for just this once."

"Beau! What the hell are you doing!?"

A pair of hands roughly grabbed each his shoulders and dragged him away.

The girl snickered at him, reigniting the fire in his chest. He tried to go back over to her, but his friends wouldn't let him go.

"What's gotten into you, Beau? This isn't like you."

He glared at the woman's back as she left. He'd missed his chance. When she was gone, he turned his scowl over to Mckayla.

Part of him knew he should thank her. She'd probably just saved his life at no small risk to her own. But he didn't, instead he was angry at her. Furious that he couldn't get revenge against the person who'd made him feel so small and helpless.

Someone else had come in to pull his ass from the fire again. Because he was too stupid to avoid putting himself in danger in the first place. Guess that weak little boy wasn't as dead as he thought.

It was nice that she still thought that much of him. He wasn't the good person she imagined him as, probably never was. If they'd not been here, he would've been absolutely content with attacking that woman, hurting her for trying to do the same to him months ago.

Even if she had a gun, he wouldn't stop. Then that'd be it. Nothing he could do then.

He didn't want anyone to have any illusions about the type of person he was. Better they see it now, so whatever leftover feelings she may have held for him can fade away. A necessary evil.

Or the deluded justifications of a jerk, pushing away everyone dumb enough to try giving a damn about him.

"Shut up, Mckayla, let's go home."

He didn't have to justify himself to them or anyone else. This entire afternoon was hell. If anything, he felt worse than if he had spent the whole day shut inside bawling his eyes out.

Their drive home was silent. The happy couple seemed to be disturbed by his stunt earlier and the following outburst. Good, now he didn't have to listen to them suck face while he drove.

Neither of them spoke a word when he dropped them off. He'd succeeded. Two more friends down the drain. He wishes he could say he'd miss Jeremy, but he wouldn't. Mckayla was different. She had been a good friend, ever since he first showed up.

Though she'd dropped him like a hot potato as soon as he was in a relationship. To be fair, he wasn't paying much attention to anyone besides Edythe. But she'd avoided him ever since, not offering the obligatory consolation the rest of school did when news of him being dumped spread around.

In fact, this was the first time they'd spent time together outside of school since the beach. Which felt like ages ago now.

What did she know what he was like? Maybe she'd known who he had been, but that person felt like a distant memory, only slipping further away.

After he dropped them off, he went to the grocery store. He needed to do his week's shopping. Cooking was an easy way to lose yourself. The more difficult the recipe, the better.

The list was already in his head. All he had to do was run in and get it.

The store was mostly empty, so he was able to gather everything quickly. When he got to the checkout, he had to do a double take.

The girl now staring at him did the same, both of them seemingly in disbelief that they'd run into the other at random.

"Hey Beau, long time no see. How have you been?"

"Better now." It was true. He smiled at the girl. It had been several months since he last did it and meant it.

Her entire face lit up at his words. It really had been too long since he'd seen his oldest friend. Just what he needed after spending a day of agony with his other 'friends.'

She had grown since their last meeting. In fact, she looked to be in much better shape than he was, with lean muscles poorly concealed by her baggy clothes. Her brown hair was tied up in a neat ponytail. With a widening grin on her coppery complexion as they both realized he was checking her out.

Blood flushed to his face as he made a strangled coughing noise and looked away.

"So what brings you out this way? Never seen you here before."

"Shopping, this place has the best deals on 2-litres. I picked the short straw and had to go out and get them."

"What do you need that much soda for?"

"Oh, well, uh, nothing important. You should come to the reservation sometime. Bonnie would love to see you. It's been too long."

"It has." He knew Bonnie wasn't the one who really wanted to see him. He really had no excuse not to. It sounded like the perfect distraction. Talking with Jules always made him calmer. Ever since they were little kids.

"Did you ever finish your car? Get that Master Carburator you needed?"

His friend cackled in response. It's what he gets for trying to talk cars to an actual expert. "Master Cylinder, Carburetors aren't used on any car built after the 90s, but it's cute that you tried."

He laughed with her, despite it being at his expense. Jules kept stealing glances at the checkout. Suddenly, he felt a small pang in his chest at the thought of her leaving.

He wanted her to stay, so they could keep catching up. It wasn't until now he realized how much he had missed her.

"Thanks, hey how's tomorrow sound? There's no school, so I can come by the reservation in the morning if you want."

"Morning? It looked like she was wrestling with a decision in her mind. He wasn't sure why, but he let her think. "Make it early afternoon so I can sleep in and you've got yourself a deal."

"You got it." He smiled again. It felt good. He hadn't realized how long he'd gone without it until now.

"I'll see you tomorrow Beau."

With a wave, he was alone in the store again. He was still in a daze after he paid and left.

When he got back into his car, a realization hit him. For one, Jules had not left. For some reason, she'd been waiting for him and now approached his car.

She gave a little whistle as the doors opened. Appearing as if in a trance as her fingers traced along the car's edge. Only stopping at the damaged window, a frown growing on her features.

"Beau? How did you get this car?"

"It was a gift, I guess. Not really my style, but my truck has passed to the great beyond. It is pretty fast, I'll give it that."

"And when were you planning on telling me about it?"

"Is it that big a deal?"

"Is it that big of a-" The girl took a deep breath, and spoke evenly. "I loved those movies growing up. This has always been one of my dream cars."

"You have more than one?" Seriously, what was it about those stupid movies? He wanted to watch them just so he could stop hearing about it.

"Several actually, but this is the only one I could realistically get my hands on. You need to let me drive it. Please?"

He tried to conceal his limp as he walked over to her but failed, stumbling slightly and letting out a muffled cry of pain.

"How'd that happen?" She pointed at the black boot on his foot. He regretted not taking the time to come up with a reasonable sounding excuse.

"I fell, it's not a big deal, doctors said it was only a minor fracture. I just have to wear this for a couple of weeks and try to stay off my feet."

"Does it hurt?" She narrowed her eyes as she looked at the cast. His attempts to dismiss her concern did little to assuage her.

"Not really, don't you have to get back to the reservation?" He kept his tone nonchalant, this wasn't a topic he wanted to stay on.

Even if he was becoming an adept liar he didn't wanna lie to her, not anymore than he already had. She was his friend, and a good person on top of that.

"Crap! You're right, I had to borrow Lee's clunker to come out here. We're just hanging out. You can come and join if you want. I know it's late, and you probably have to cook dinner, and Charlie will probably worry if you're out too long. You don't have to if you don't want to, but you better promise I can drive it tomorrow."

Beau quickly realized what she meant. He'd take Lee's car, and she'd take his. Mulling it over, he couldn't see any bad sides. With how little he slept, it didn't matter when he went to bed. After today's stress, it sounded perfect.

Charlie could cook for himself for one night and he'd be okay with him staying out later if he knew he was with Jules. For once, he was glad that Charlie seemed to place the girl on a pedestal.

"Actually, I'd love to. Go nuts, don't do anything I wouldn't do." She caught the keys with a manic grin that did little to soothe his apprehension about handing the car over. "Not that nuts, remember, you break it, you buy it."

"You promise?"

He took the keys and smiled back at her. That was three times. Each one felt better than the last.

Lee's disregard for hygiene was obvious from the piles of trash in every seat, except the driver's. He kept the windows down to air it out as he watched Jules tear out of the parking lot. She was definitely gonna make it there first.

Jules raced down the road ahead of him. There was a police cruiser behind him that seemed exceptionally unobservant, leaving him to be the only one forced to follow the speed limit.

She was waiting for him when he pulled up, her hair undone and falling in waves down her back. The sunset cast a soft pinkish glow over their surroundings. Illuminating her slender form as she watched him.

"So, what's there to do for fun around here?"

"Fun? You're in Forks Beau. The only thing to do in this craphole is hike, you know that. I should warn you that what happens in the garage; stays in the garage."

"So I shouldn't tell Bonnie I stopped by?"

"No, you can say hi tomorrow. I don't want her to come snooping around. The smell will give us away."

"Smell? Smell of what?"

"The most fun you can have in a place with nothing to do."

They went in through the garage's backdoor; it was an impressive sight. Almost the size of a small house, and the entire thing looked to have been built by hand. Stray bits of sheet metal welded to the outside. It wouldn't make it into any magazines, but it could comfortably hold two cars with extra space for tools.

"Did you build this whole thing?"

"Yea, but it took forever. The roof was by far the hardest part. I only got that finished last year and the stupid thing still has the nerve to leak."

"I'm impressed, seriously, I knew you were good with your hands but this…" He wasn't sure how to finish his statement so he gestured at the whole garage, stray auto parts and all.

"You know what they say, work hard and play harder."

Hidden behind her car was a huddled semicircle of teens that looked about his age. Sitting in the middle of the group was a half empty whiskey bottle and a spattering of empty red solo cups. Music he didn't recognize was playing out a small speaker beside them.

The group looked alarmed for a moment before relaxing when they saw who it was. The two girls smirked at Jules, while the boy looked at him in confusion. From his expression, he could see the boy was completely unaware of who he was or what had brought him here.

"Hi, I'm Beau. It's nice to meet you all."

"He's cute! Is that why you never bring him over, Julie? Afraid we might steal him? I'm Emma Beau, but you can just call me Em." A brunette girl about his height was sliding up beside him, practically hanging herself off him while he stood frozen. He had to stop breathing to avoid the pungent smell of her liquor filled breath.

"Quit yelling, Em, or you're going to get us busted." He watched Jules rip the girl off him with a little too much enthusiasm. The boy who he guessed to be Lee was now glaring at him with barely concealed contempt.

Great, it was the situation with Jeremy all over again. He was jealous of the attention that he didn't even want to begin with. Honestly, he just wasn't interested. You could put him in a room with a hundred different women and he'd still leave alone.

Unless there was one specific girl there, the girl he still loved, even when loving her, tore him apart a little more each day.

"I'm Quil, and the angry-looking dork across from you is Lee. Don't worry, he doesn't bite, just never stops barking."

"Don't tempt me. He's not one of us. Why is he here?"

"Because he's my friend dick. If you have a problem with it, then leave."

"So what brings you here, Beau? Visiting your 'friend'?" Quil sidled up into the spot Em had occupied before her, a knowing grin on her face he didn't understand. At least she wasn't trying to touch his face.

He gave Lee an uneasy smile as he sat down, being promptly handed a cup. Quil poured him some liquor with a heavy hand while Jules topped it off with a bit of off brand soda.

"Now you're complicit, so no snitching to Chief Swan, got it?"

"Wow, do you really think so little of me, Jules? If anything, I should tell you that, he'd kill me for this."

"Cheers." He had to be careful not to spill as his friend knocked her glass into his. He took a sip and immediately recoiled from disgust.

Jules had none of his hangups. Draining the entire cup in a few quick gulps, pounding her chest aggressively as she gave him a wide grin.

He looked at her, then back at the foul liquid. Refusing to be outdone, he attacked his drink, plugging his now and downing the whole cup in a few seconds.

They must've been trying to kill him. There was barely any soda in that drink. His teachers would be disappointed if they saw him. He gave into peer pressure and didn't feel the least bit bad about it.

It was nice to be around others, a welcome distraction. What he'd hoped would happen when he was with Jeremy. Even if Lee clearly wished he hadn't showed up, at least he didn't have to listen to anybody obscenely making out.

His body swayed like an inflatable flailing man as liquid fire poured down his throat, going down into his stomach as an obnoxiously loud burp escaped his lips.

"Sorry about that."

"Was that your first drink, Beau?" He had to remind himself which of the girl's was which. The shorter girl with cropped hair was Quil. The taller brunette was Emma, currently attempting to shuffle a deck of cards and failing spectacularly.

"I guess it is. This is nice, I guess, but the taste is atrocious."

"That's because Quil is evil. She likes to see everyone else drink too much."

"'Like' is a strong word. Someone has to make sure you idiots don't get the rest of us in trouble."

"Wanna play go-fish?" As Em spoke, she tried to perform a card trick, or that's what it looked like. All she ended up doing was scattering the cards over the garage's floor.

"Really Go-fish? Isn't that a kids' game?"

"If it's just a kid's game, then it shouldn't be too hard, right? Unless you've got a better suggestion."

"Have any 2's?"

"Nope. Go fish." Quil could barely contain her laughter as he angrily grabbed another card out of the pile.

"I didn't think it was possible to be bad at Go-fish."

"Shut up, Em. It's a game about luck, and I have none." Beau grumbled angrily to himself as he counted his cards. He had twice as much as Quil, and Em was about to win, again.

Despite being the most intoxicated, Emma was so far undefeated. It took all his remaining brain cells to play the card game, so he'd mostly zoned out.

Beau had lost track of how much he'd ingested. He knew he was drunk. It wasn't really enjoyable, not something he'd willingly repeat. He felt mostly the same but dumber, and his vision was blurry. The taste was still awful, but the bottle was empty.

At some point, Lee and Jules had stopped playing and were talking on the far side of the garage. Whatever they were talking about, it looked obvious that Jules wanted no part of it. She looked to be debating the risk vs reward of beating the crap out of the boy as the conversation went on.

Before his mind could process why, he was walking over to them. Lee was too close to Jules. Their faces were only a few inches away. He felt an indescribable anger at the sight of his arm resting on hers.

"So what do you say?"

"Fuck off Lee, if you were the last guy on earth I'd be a lesbian, the only one by choice."

He watched his friend place a hand on Lee's chest, shoving him away. The pair seemed to be too absorbed in their spat. Neither had noticed him yet.

Behind him, Em and Quil were playing as if he'd never left. He knew Jules was fine, she could kick his ass any day of the week, she didn't need him to come in and rescue her.

"Come on, this isn't about him, Is it? He's dating one of the Cullen's. You don't want to associate yourself with scum like that."

"Not anymore genius, they left, she broke up with-"

Beau hadn't heard Jules speak. All he could hear now was Lee. Calling the Cullen's scum. This wasn't about helping his friend anymore.

"Say that again."

Lee jumped when he spoke, clearly put off by his sudden appearance behind him. He scowled and took a step forward, closing the rest of the distance between them. Their noses nearly touched as Beau squared up his shoulders.

"Say what? That your ex and her whole family are scum? Why do you even care? Didn't she dump you? You're lucky to even be here."

"You know this is a bad idea, Beau."

Now she could read his mind, and his intentions. It was true, Lee had an aura about him. He was stronger than his short frame would suggest. All the alarm bells were sounding off in his head, telling him to not engage.

She couldn't control what he did, not now. If he wanted to get into a fight he was near certain he'd lose. It was his decision.

Scum, the Cullens were scum, but he didn't know them. He had no right to say that, no right at all. He hated them for their actions, how their broken promises had shattered his fragile trust. What did he know? What right did he have to say that?

None, none at all. Everyone in this tiny town had heard about him getting left in the dust, he had to be playing dumb. He was trying to provoke him. That was obvious. Would he back down again? Sit around and cower, waiting for someone to come in and save him?

No, nobody was coming to save him. All Lee did was smirk at his attempts at intimidation. That was all it took.

His vision turned red, and the raging fire in his veins boiled over.

His head slammed directly into the center of his nose. A loud crack sounded out in the cramped garage as the music shut off.

Beau wasn't done, far from it.

While the boy gaped at him in shock, he grabbed the collar of his shirt, lifting and slamming him against the wall hard enough to make the whole structure shudder.

With the initial shock wore off, Lee defended himself, giving him a sharp kick that grazed his groin, forcing him to release his grip.

With a manic grin, the boy grabbed his nose and cracked it back into place.

"Guys, stop! You're being ridiculous."

"Tell that to your boyfriend. I didn't start it."

All eyes in the room were now on the unfolding spectacle. Em looked confused while Quill's eyes met his own with a look of concern.

Jules was the only one trying to get between them. Which was difficult to do without hurting one of them. It must've been why she was still hesitating.

When he approached this time, Lee was ready. He tried to avoid his punch but ended up walking directly into his follow up, another kick to his most sensitive spot. Thankfully, a restrained one, but a direct hit didn't have to be.

Clearly Lee saw no honor in fighting fairly, only in winning. Which is exactly what would happen if he didn't do something.

He wasn't weak; he wasn't.

The force of the blow was incredible, the pain shot clear up to his stomach, agony washed over his whole body as his knees wobbled. It took everything he had to stay standing.

When he regained his footing, he smiled back at Lee, finally wiping the smirk off his face as he drove his castbound foot right into his stomach. Knocking the wind out of the boy as a look of bewilderment colored his expression instead.

Then he brought it down onto his crumpled form again, and again with all his remaining strength.

Each kick sent a surge of white hot agony shooting up from his foot. It didn't stop him, didn't even slow him down.

It was nothing compared to the unbearable ache in his chest. That surrounded and pressed down on him, grinding his sense of self to dust. Leaving only the hurt inside him.

Lee caught his foot with his hand, clasping it tightly while he frantically tried to pull it free. It didn't look as if he'd even touched him. His nose was already healed, and he didn't look pained anymore, more annoyed than anything else.

He stood up with a look of murder in his eyes, as all the hairs on his body seemed to vibrate at once.

This was it, the end. The inevitable result of his recklessly stupid behavior.

The blow he was waiting for never came, instead with an animalistic growl of frustration. Lee released his foot, running off towards the back door and vanishing into the night.

His heart hammered inside his chest, nose flared as his body was still tensed to fight. He didn't trust the relief threatening to put his guard down. That was too easy.

"Beau. It's over. It's okay."

The soft hand brushing against his shoulder brought him back to reality. Letting out a gasp of horror as he felt his body forcefully expelling the remaining alcohol in his system.

The mixed looks of concern and fear from the girls were like daggers aimed at his heart. He'd screwed it all up. They hated him now, and rightfully so.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I didn't, I just, I gotta go."

Jules tried to call out to him as he left, but he was already gone. Running as fast as his legs could carry him to where she had parked his car.

Once he got inside the car and slammed it shut, he took a deep breath to calm himself. It was as if he'd never drank. The memory was crystal clear in his mind. He could remember every detail. The pain in his foot and sensitive parts was physical proof.

It was a blind rage, the idea of someone insulting his Edythe enraged him unlike anything else. He didn't know her, had no reason to speak so foul of a person they never even met.

So he smartly rebutted by head-butting him in the nose and dislocating it. Truly, he was a scholar of debate.

Now that he wasn't panicking, he realized something. Jules still had his key. He wasn't going anywhere.

There was no way he'd go back in there. They probably all hated him now. He could walk home, or sleep in his car, either sounded better.

After a few minutes, he spotted a familiar mop of black hair glinting darkness outside his window.

She climbed into his car. Neither he nor she spoke a word to each other.

"I'm sorry."

"Why'd you do it? Are you just an angry drunk?"

"I don't know. I just looked at him and got mad. When he said that…I just lost control. I won't let it happen again."

"Yeah, I get that feeling looking at him, too. I'm not mad, Beau. In fact, that was awesome."

"Really? Why?"

"He's needed an asskicking for longer than I can remember. Lately he's been a moody prick, I don't know what his problem is. He was hanging around Sam now he avoids her like the plague. He's been trying to pick a fight with just about anyone."

"I was just the only one stupid enough to actually try and hit him."

"Don't feel too bad, Lee fought dirty anyway, who goes only for below the belt?"

"I guess..." His surprise headbutt hadn't exactly been fighting fair either, he'd prefer to just not fight at all, fair or otherwise.

"It also proves my theory that Bonnie sleeps like a corpse. She didn't hear any of that."

"Seriously? How?"

"You tell me. I checked, and she was sleeping soundly. I'm pretty sure she'd stay asleep if the whole house burned down, too."

"If he's so bad, why didn't you try and fight him? I could see he was making you uncomfortable."

The small smile on her lips seemed to explode outwards at his words. He wasn't sure why, but he smiled back. Now he'd lost track of how many times it had been, and was thankful for it.

It was good that she didn't hate him. He needed a friend like her, now more than ever.

"I mean, I could've, I guess that's true. But that's what makes you special, Beau. Most people's sense of self preservation is too high for them to get into drunken wrestling matches in a garage full of sharp objects. Thanks for defending my honor, oh noble knight."

"I wasn't-, I'm sorry. I probably would've done it either way. He couldn't have known how sensitive a subject that was. I'm a mess, shouldn't have ever come out."

"I won't disagree on the mess part, but I am glad you came out. Lee absolutely knew what he was doing, he just underestimated your reaction."

"Clearly." They both shared another burst of laughter. Now that it was over, it was pretty funny how shocked Lee had been after getting head-butted. Though he felt guilty for laughing shortly after.

"It was good to see you Beau, even if you're the worst Go-fish player I've ever seen."

"Whatever, it's a kid's game. I plan to learn some real card games, then I'll show you my skill."

"I can't wait."

"Be honest. Do Quil and Em think I'm a jerk?"

"No, Lee isn't the most popular guy on the Res. Sam's the only one who might be upset, but not very. In fact, I'd say today you earned some major points. "

"You guys are weird. Can I have my key back now?"

"No disagreements here. You're still coming back tomorrow, right?"

For a moment he considered it, while he didn't want another encounter with Lee. It was worth risking it. The alternative seemed much worse.

"Of course, I wouldn't miss it."

Reluctantly, she took the metal fob and handed it over. Neither of them wanted the night to end, but it was late. Charlie was either waiting for him to get home for a scolding or already asleep.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Jules."

When he drove away he felt better, still a little guilty about his earlier stunt, but at least Jules wasn't upset.

He was an idiot. At this point, it seemed he was trying to get himself hurt or worse. He'd never lost control like that before.

All of this was new to him. He never saw himself as an angry person before Edythe, just like anyone else. Now anger was the only thing that could cut through the icy numbness that was his constant companion.

It felt good, incredible actually, to wipe the smug expression from his face. Which only made him more guilty. That wasn't him, or rather, who he wanted to be. Not some aggressive meathead beating up and bullying everyone around them like a thug.

If he let that part of him make all the decisions that was who he would be. He needed to think, use his head for something other than a blunt weapon.

Inevitably his thoughts returned to Edythe, whose voice had taken the role of his conscience. It certainly wasn't actually her, for one she'd never cursed at him before, at least as far as he remembered.

So he did have a sense of self-preservation. It was just the one person whose voice he both wanted to hear and feared hearing at the same time. She was always trying to keep him safe. He'd lost count of the near-death experiences he'd had since Edythe left. There was no certainty he'd die but it was miraculous he was still alive.

It was fun, to take risks, to not thinking about what may happen and instead acting in the moment. He wanted to avoid it but he liked hearing her voice, the sound was as clear as her last day. He wasn't trying to kill himself, in fact now that he was an adult, he was finally living.

What really stuck out to him from the night was everything before his big screw up. The fun he'd had being with Jules and playing cards with the others. It was fun; the alcohol was the worst part of it honestly. He couldn't imagine how anyone could stand the awful taste.

He hoped Jules was telling the truth before. In truth, he wanted to keep coming back, hang around with them again. Even if Lee was there, it was so much better than being alone.

For a night, he was a normal boy, able to forget about the heartbreak that still hung over him like rain clouds.

Charlie was asleep when he got home. He almost didn't believe it at first. Had his dip into teenage rebellion gone completely unnoticed? It's not like he wanted to be caught, but his father was a police chief. He expected a little better detective skills.

This was the same man who said he was proud of him only yesterday. Only proud because he didn't know the truth. How weak he was and how much he'd struggled to make it even this far.

There's no way anything he did tonight would've made his father proud, or his mother either. But he hadn't done it for them.

He did it for himself, and it felt good to put himself first for once. The usual guilt that came with acting selfishly didn't come. If his car was a time machine, there wasn't a single thing he'd change about today.

His first good day since his world as he knew it had ended.

Hopefully, it wouldn't be the last.

AN: Hope you enjoyed. Thanks for reading even if you don't review or whatever, shoutout to my reviewers though they're the best. Constructive criticism is always appreciated just be nice, i'm sensitive.

(I'm fucking with you, be as mean as you like I don't care, you can't stop me.)

Lee is a barometer for Beau's growth, this is a low point. I tried to maintain Beau's core traits whilst also exploring the different ways men and women deal with heartbreak. Bella embraces her feelings head on, submerging herself in the misery and not letting anything else in. But if you're always in pain, you never are, without being conscious of it she was dealing with her feelings better. Beau, in classic masculine fashion is avoiding dealing with his feelings entirely. Better on paper but you see what happens when you bottle up a bunch of very volatile emotions.

See ya on the next one.