A/N: I don't own the characters - they belong to Elizabeth George and the BBC.
He felt the morning sun on his face as he opened his eyes. Still with a smile on his lips from the pleasant memory of that breathtaking kiss he had shared with his sergeant the night before. But the pleasing thought soon evaporated as he remembered, how she had stormed out when he had asked for another kiss. He felt devastated that he had done her wrong by asking so casually, but he was hoping that she would want to be his, like he was certain he had felt from Barbara in that kiss.
He rubbed his face to clear his head before he got out of bed. He was a man on a mission. He quickly did his morning visit to the bathroom, before he toke a cold shower to calm his nerves. If he was honest it was the first time he was really nervous about chasing after a woman. But what a woman. He smiled to himself by the mere thought of her. He never would have thought, that he could fall for that prickly sergeant of his when they first was partnered. Something about her frankness and good heart had made him warm up to her. Before he met her, people would always just agree with him and hang on his every word. But not her, she had a way of grounding him. He never believed Helen when she had told him, he would be a great father, those words only settled when Barbara had said it. Somehow he only trusted her. He turned off the water and swiftly grabbed a towel he swung around his waist.
He walked to his dressing room to find a pair of boxers, which he put on and went to hang the wet towel in the bathroom. He went back to the closet section to look for the right attire, he laid it on the bed. Then grabbed his hold-all and garment bag, that too was placed on the bed and he went back and forth between his dressing room and the bags while he neatly secured everything inside, for his Christmas stay at Howenstow. As he was done packing he got dressed in a beautiful dark green suit, with a white shirt, black Oxford dress shoes and a green tie to match the suit. He toke one last visit to the bathroom to dry his hair in a towel, before combing it. He collected his bags, before turning of the light and making his way down the stairs into his hallway, he seized his jacket as he walked out the door purposefully walking to his Bristol. He arranged everything in the boot, making sure there were still room for Barbara's things, as he hoped she would join him for Christmas.
As he got in the car he checked his phone, but there were no missed calls or any messages. He placed it back in his trouser pocket as he sighed. He turned on the engine and set of on his journey. He had driven that route a thousand times, he made it to his destination in fifteen minutes. He sighed before he got out of his car and walked the last 50 yards to Barbara's place. He knocked on the door, but no reply. He rang the doorbell still no reply. He tried to peep through the window but she was nowhere to be seen. He figured she had gone on her Christmas traditional visit to the graveyard. So that was his next searching point. He made a quick stop by the nearest flower boutique and bought three wreaths before he drove to the graveyard.
Before setting for the burial sights, he put his jacket on and grabbed the wreaths. With a gentle spring in his steps he walked through the cemetery and found the first grave: Terrys. Barbara had showed him where it was when her father was buried. He could see that there was already placed a beautiful heart shaped decoration of red roses. He knew it was laid there by Barbara. He hoped she wasn't to far ahead. He squatted down to place one of the wreaths on the grave. He lightly padded the gravestone and said "I promise to look out for her and love her" with a smile on his lips and slightly water glacéd eyes. He stood and blinked a few times to clear his head and took off towards the next grave: Her parents. It was less then three months ago her mother had passed. He placed his wreath next to the white flowered wreath that Barbara had laid. He murmured to the grave "sorry I can't ask you for your daughters hand, and that I didn't get to know you better". He walked to the last grave, the one that he hadn't seen since the funeral: Helen's. He noticed that there was also a newly laid wreath in the most beautiful nuances of red roses. Barbara too must have placed it. He calmly laid his next to hers, his was all white lilies and they complemented each other so well. He whispered "I'm sorry Helen, but it seems like you were right. I remember you once said "it would be one thing if you were sleeping with her" I quickly denied it because back then I didn't understand the connection I had with her. But when you mentioned she didn't like us getting back together, a part of me actually hoped it was true, like she would be jealous and let me know her feelings. I'm sorry for all the pain I caused you, I'm sorry for everything". He took on last look at the grave before he looked around to see if he could spot Barbara but she was nowhere to be seen. He quickly walked back to his car and decided to try and reach her on her phone, just in case she was still at the graveyard. Unfortunately it was turned off and went straight to voicemail. He pocketed his phone and decided to make one last stop at her place before he needed to go to Cornwall.
He found the same parking spot he had used less then two hours earlier. As he got out of the car he was scouting for Barbara's car, but couldn't see it. Finding a spot on her street was sometimes difficult, she could have parked on one of the streets leading up to hers. He went to her door and knocked, but there was no answer. He rang the door bell and knocked a few more times but still no answer. Like he had done on his previous visit, he peeped through the windows but no sight of Barbara. He checked his watch, it was almost 10:30 am. He had promised his mother to be there by 4pm and with a nearly five hours drive he should get going. He toke one last glance around the street for Barbara or her car but they were both unseen.
Lynley walked back to his car and set of for the Cornish air. He didn't much care for a Christmas dinner with his mother, sister and brother right now, but he had promised Barbara he would. She had told him after her mother had passed away, that she wished a lot of things would have been different in her life, especially the hatred and alienation she had forced, upon her parents and herself after Terrys death. After that confession she had coaxed him into having Christmas with his family at the Estate. The things I'll do for her, he thought to himself. Why was she always so stubborn. Why won't she talk to him. He just needed her to understand how much, she meant to him. He was completely and utterly broken. He was so certain he finally had his happiness within reach, but she was avoiding him. Wasn't she the one who had initiated, that they had held hands, as they were walking to his place. He suddenly felt gutted when he recalled that she hadn't dressed up for him but for a random date. Maybe he had read to much into that kiss, but the thought shattered his world. He had violated her trust. He felt so devastated how could he ever redeem, what he had done. He decided to take Barbara's advice to trust his family and let them help him for once, in setting everything right between him and his lovely sergeant Barbara Havers.
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