Linstead - Always

by erinjay4ever

They once promised to always have each other's back but destiny does not always go as planned. Now almost four years later, each one living their life in a different state, fate forces them to work together. How will this end for them? How are they going to deal with this reunion and the feelings of years ago? Can they overcome the past? Can they at least become friends again?

33. Chapter 33

Chapter 33: Confession

"Sometimes you have to make the biggest mistake to figure out how to make things right. Mistakes are painful, but they are the only way for you to find out who you are."

- Grey's Anatomy

Adult life in theory should follow some kind of rule. Universities, own home, marriage and then children, but real life doesn't usually follow rules. Plans can be undone whether you like it or not. People don't always want to get married, have children or graduate from university, or these things don't always come in the "right" order. Real life can be a box of surprises, sometimes good, but not always.

Experts on child development would probably not approve of a child calling someone father in such a short period of time, mainly due to the instability of the relationship and the child's emotional attachment. There is always a process that should be followed, a process so that the child does not suffer trauma in the future, but that was not what happened to Charlotte, even though it was not Jay or Erin's intention for things to take such a turn. quickly.

For those who live outside the bubble, it is easy to notice mistakes and successes, know where the person made mistakes, where they need to improve and be able to judge impartially. Jay and Erin made their own bubble, it seemed simple for him to be friends and support each other when she came back to Chicago, because they worked for almost 2 years together bottling up their feelings for each other, it should be easy to hold out for less than 6 months, right?

Jay didn't help her in the hope of rekindling their romance, much less in the hope of becoming the father figure in Charlotte's life. It was no different for Erin, she didn't return to Chicago to get back with Jay, much less for him to take on the role of father to Charlotte. They were adults, they had feelings for each other even after years and being friends was always an easy task for them. The only problem is that they didn't count on the fact that the feelings this time, even after years apart or even after how they left things, would be much stronger than they once were.

The first time they fell in love with each other, when they knew they had feelings for each other and the feeling that it was reciprocated, they didn't know how far they would go, they found it difficult to follow Voight's rule and not get carried away by feelings, the problem is that they didn't know what was coming.

Returning to Chicago after so many years away and having Jay as a partner, not in work, but in life as a friend, wasn't so easy because she knew him, the Jay from 2014 was incredible, but the one from 2021? He was much more than she could imagine, he was still playful, affectionate, kind and a partner, but she already saw him with different eyes, she had already imagined him as the father of her children, her husband and the man who she would spend the rest of her life and it doesn't get any easier when the man you are trying to hold your feelings to protect yourself is the kindest, the most affectionate and the most playful with your daughter. That's what they say, if you like my kids, I like you and as much as she imagined that smart detective as the father of her hypothetical children several times, she never thought that was how her daughter was starting to see him. also.

Having someone who you already admitted to yourself was the best thing that happened in your life, that even before the first kiss you already saw yourself spending the rest of your life with her, back in your life was not something so simple to assimilate, not when your admiration for that person is even greater, not when you discover that that person is probably the strongest person you know. Not after throwing all your feelings for that person deep into your soul and when you meet them again, the feelings come back like an avalanche. Being Lindsay's partner when she came back to town to help her old team had no ulterior motive. It wasn't fair, neither to her nor to the girl who was only 3 years old. Keeping your feelings for 6 months should have been easy after having kept it for almost 2 years and after hiding it for almost 4, but it's not as simple as it seems, because it's the same way Lindsay saw it. Halstead saw her too.

Charlotte may be young, but she's been through things that no one should have to go through, especially at her age. She had the advantage that she wouldn't even remember such things, but that didn't stop her mother from wanting the best for her and that her affective memory was only of good things. They talk about having a village when you have children and NY was Lindsay's village. Having Tereza, Nick, Marshall, and Mackenzie help Lindsay with raising a child was more than Erin could have asked for. When life forced her to leave her village, Lindsay knew that whatever it was, her team in Chicago would be her village too.

Charlotte had little contact with people, due to her early years of life, her time in the hospital, followed by the pandemic, so she didn't have the opportunity to meet so many people, not until Chicago. Yes, she had Nick and Marshall, but it wasn't like having Jay and Hank. Charlotte is still too young to know exactly how to express her feelings in words, but her sensations and emotions are experienced and welcomed all the time. Jay was more than Mom's friend who sometimes played with her or gave her gifts. Jay became someone present and constant in the girl's life. One of the first ones she saw when she woke up and one of the last ones she saw when she slept. In addition to playing, he was responsible for bathing her, feeding her, taking her to daycare and picking her up. Nick may have done one thing or another, but he didn't have the consistency that Jay had and even though he was affectionate, Charlotte's relationship with Jay was different.

Adults may have their own complications and confusions in their minds, but for a 4-year-old child who interacts with other children who share different situations, it is not so difficult to assimilate something similar and think that it is also their reality. Her classmates and the teacher, in the simplest and most childish way in the world, made her understand that a certain treatment could make someone a father and she was too young to understand the complications of adult life, that is, what she understood was that some attitudes make someone your father and it was very easy for her to think that Jay was the one taking on that role. In his little head, this math added up and was easier than adding 1 + 1.

...

Jay was over the moon, receiving an I love you at the beginning of the day was nothing compared to hearing a daddy from someone he had such intense love for in such a short time. He and Erin let her call him that, without anyone saying otherwise, but their exchange of glances in the car said they would talk about it later.

Against Jay's wishes, they had to return to the district, to work. Well, at least Erin had to. Jay had to finish work at 6pm, like any normal worker to have adequate study time. However, he decided that they would go to the district together and waited for Lindsay to finish work by having some alone time with Charlotte at the nearest playground in the district, which was amazing because she let everyone at the playground know that he was her daddy.

Afterwards, the three of them had dinner out and watched a family movie before Charlotte went to bed. She may have gone to bed almost 1 hour later than she normally slept and it could still be a weekday, but none of the 3 of them were really complaining. Not when Charlotte got a special day with her mom and dad and ended the day with both of them reading her a bedtime story.

Not when Lindsay, who thought she already loved Jay, saw him with a sparkle in his eyes, looking like the happiest man in the world that she had called him daddy and watched him give her daughter an incredible and unforgettable day.

Not when Jay felt his heart explode every time he heard 'daddy' come out of Charlotte's mouth at the end of every sentence as if that were her favorite word in the world, much less when Jay thought his day couldn't get any better and Charlotte still There was one more thing to melt adults' hearts before ending their day.

- Can we thank the fairy godmother too? - the child asks. Lindsay wasn't the most religious person in the world, but since having Charlotte she started praying and giving thanks, something really good was happening to her and maybe someone up there was doing something for everyone, even if she had some doubts and questions.

- Do you want to thank the fairy godmother? - Erin asks and after the girl nods she continues. - What do you want to thank the fairy godmother for?

- I asked her to make Jay my daddy. - they didn't expect that.

- Okay, let's thank the fairy godmother for this, too. - Erin says, stroking Jay's hand, who had bright eyes, and leans in to kiss her daughter's forehead. - Good night, sunshine. I love you.

- Good night, mommy. I love you.

Jay smiles at Lindsay who gets up and turns her attention to Charlie.

- I love you princess. Sleep with Angels. -he says kissing her forehead and then walking away.

- I love you, daddy. - she whispers and Jay considers telling her to repeat it just one more time while he records it because it's probably his favorite thing in the world from that moment on.

...

Jay and Erin left the room in silence and Jay noticed his girlfriend was a little tense, he didn't need to think much about what it was, he knew his brunette very well. She was walking in front of him when he grabbed her wrist.

- Hey... - he says and she turns to him. Jay doesn't think twice before wrapping her in his arms and pulling her into a kiss, soft but firm. She was taken by surprise, but she wouldn't worry if he prolonged it, but her kiss was quick and Jay held her face so he could look her in the eyes. - I'm not going anywhere. - he says and he doesn't even need to explain, she knows what he's talking about.

- I know... it's just... - she breathes out and looks at him. - You have and will have an incredible and guaranteed job here, your brother, your friends, they are all here. However, everything Charlotte knows is in NY, I already made her move from California to NY. Leaving the father and mother she knew for totally different people in NY and now doing this to her again to move to Chicago. That doesn't seem fair. - she speaks almost in a whispered tone.

- None of that matters to me, I can move to NY tomorrow. - he speaks in the same tone as her, still holding her close.

- It doesn't seem fair to both of you, Jay. - she states.

- Why are you always thinking about others and not yourself? - he questions seeing that she is torn between him and Charlotte, but not for her.

- You don't have a life in NY and Charlotte doesn't have a life in Chicago, I have both, I don't need to worry so much.

- Need it when your awesome job is there. When you ran away from here alone, carrying a weight alone with you when your whole family was here. - Jay says seriously and Erin doesn't say anything, she knows he's right. She rests her head on his chin, defeated and exhausted, but Jay isn't finished, so he kisses her forehead before pulling her away so he can continue looking into her eyes. - Remember when I asked you to come live with me? - he asks and she nods. - Do you remember what I told you that day?

- Cases come and go, bosses come and go, jobs come and go...

- I don't want you to come and go. -Jay says and Erin can't help but smile at the memory, but she's still not convinced.

- Things are not that simple Jay.

- That's not the point here. - he states and she looks at him confused. - Of everything I told you that day, what I didn't want to be was gone, because of me. -Jay takes a deep breath and his hand goes up to her neck and he closes his eyes taking a deep breath before continuing. After you left, I wasn't the same, I had affairs, I had work and the same boss, but I didn't have you...

- Jay...

- I was going to ask you to marry me that night. - this catches her off guard. She takes a step back and stares at him in shock.

- The night we moved in together? -she questions, trying to assimilate things.

- No, the night you left. - this takes her even more by surprise. - I had the ring in my pocket when you went to the district that afternoon, I had a feeling that I should have told you right then and there, at the time I didn't know why, but today I know. -he holds his jaw remembering that that was the last time he saw her that day and that it was another 4 years without seeing her. - I never had any doubt that I wanted to be with you, not even when I left.

- Jay, we went through a lot back then.

- I know, but there hasn't been a day in my life that I haven't regretted leaving that night. And I know... - he speaks quickly when he sees that she is about to say something. - that you know and understand why I did that. I know I left for you to protect you and I know that today you understand, even though I'm sure you would make me stay. - he says and she gives a slight smile, he read her mind. - Listen, if you had told me you were leaving that night, I would have gone to NY with you.

- That was one of my fears. It wouldn't be fair Jay, I made a mistake. You didn't have to pay for it. - he smiled.

- You don't understand, do you? I was willing to spend the rest of my life with you. I told you, you were the one thing in my life that I didn't want to lose. And I know I was guilty of this, I broke your trust and abandoned you first.

- But I left without warning. - she says looking at him guiltily.

- I didn't say I was the only one to blame. - he told the truth, but his sarcastic tone shows that he has already gotten over it and he continues. - I was going to ask you to marry me, because since the day you knocked on my door with that suit... - he winks at her. - I knew it was for real with you. So if you had knocked on my door that night, I would have packed my bag and left for NY with you without thinking twice. - he says and stops watching her smiling a little before continuing. - Do you know the other time I thought about dropping everything and moving to NY without thinking twice? - he asks and she shakes her head. - The day I met Charlotte. I thought she was my daughter, that I had lost 2 years of her life and I wasn't willing to lose any more.

Erin smiles at him, but first she needs to inform him of something.

- Jay, I know I didn't tell you about the pregnancy back then. I just didn't do it, because at first I thought we had time and that I had to tell you before you noticed a big belly. - she laughs, but a little melancholy because the belly never existed. - When I lost, I thought about whether or not I should tell you, but then I lost my job and all I had was NY, then I didn't see a moment to tell you and I thought I would only disappoint you even more if I told you. If I were pregnant, there is no way in the world I would make you miss the opportunity to meet your daughter. I would never hide her from you. I know what it's like to grow up without a father, I know what it's like to want an amazing father and I always knew you would be that guy.

Jay has a huge smile on his face at her statement. And that motivates you to continue.

- I know, Erin. - he comforts her first and continues. - The night I thought Charlotte was mine, I would have dropped everything. Of course I asked myself a thousand questions, but in the end, her life was already there and I wouldn't make you or her go through all the trouble of traveling from state to state, but then, I discovered that she wasn't my daughter. When I told Hailey this, she commented that this was good news, that it would avoid complicating her life and doing all kinds of bureaucracy between states and then she asked why I wasn't relieved and the truth is because I wasn't. Thinking that you hid our daughter hurt, but it hurt even more that she wasn't. I thought we had a daughter, that she meant everything we felt for each other and I preferred the bureaucracy than the pain of knowing that you had a daughter and it wasn't ours. - he says and she nods.

- I always thought about how things would be between us if I hadn't lost the baby.

- I think it would be like now. - he responds quickly. He thought about it. - At least how I want it to be from now on. If you had told me about the pregnancy, you would still have done what you did to that scrotum. Then we would have a life in NY, because I would move with you. - he approaches, holding her face and making her look at him. - Because I love you, because I would love our son and because I would have a family with you, as I always wanted. And I'm not forgetting my problems, but I think that whatever it was, I would have even more reason to fight and not give up. - he says and she nods. After she became Charlotte's mother, it seemed like she had supernatural willpower and physical strength. - So you would take the case of Los Angeles and somehow we would be parents of 2 children under the age of 2.

- Did you think about that? - She smiles at him.

- I thought. - he smiles back. - I thought about the present too. I thought a lot after you knocked on my door the other night. I thought it was the third time I was having you to myself. And I was sure I wouldn't let you escape. No more. Not when the first time, we put work first.

- I put...

- We put... - he interrupts her. - If it were just you, I would have resigned and proved that I wanted to be with you. The second time, I put it, because of my lies, our relationship turned into hiding things from each other and you leaving without looking back. And the day you knocked on my door, I knew I wouldn't let you go again. Not for work and not for lies. Because for your daughter who is sleeping at the end of the hall, I am her father and I intend to maintain that. - he smiles at her and she reciprocates, she moves closer to join their lips and intensify things, but he stops her. - I want to be completely honest with you. I want you to know about the army and what happened after it left.

- You don't need to explain yourself. - she always says that, she never wants him to feel pressured.

- I need it, I need it because I want you to know that I'm serious about this, Erin. We weren't together when I decided to ask you to marry me, but that's what I wanted since the day I was going to be your fake fiancé at your high school party. - they both laugh at the moment. - My mother left the engagement ring to whoever found the right girl first and it was always you. I'm not letting you go again, not if I can say anything about it, not if I can be honest with you first. - he says and she holds on not to cry, the way he says it looking into her eyes or how he holds her as if she would disappear if he didn't do it makes her want to hear everything he has to say.

Jay kisses her, it's quick and soft before he takes her hand and guides her to the couch. And when they are both seated, he begins.

- Even though I didn't share much, you were always there, even at the beginning of our partnership. When I joined the team, I only joined because I got shot and it brought back my PTSD, I remember we were talking and when I told you I served you didn't say anything and you were the only person who had ever done that. I always heard a "thank you for your service" or some joke about killing for my country or having fun with women from other countries, but you didn't say anything and that silence was the best thing I've ever heard. Without having to remember the guilt that to defend my country I had to kill innocent people or children, or that soldiers raped women or any of those horrible things. That night, I didn't have nightmares, I had never had that feeling of peace before just because you didn't say anything. - he says with tears in his eyes.

Lindsay had no idea, he never shared this with her and he didn't say anything, it was because he had already heard Alvin complain about the fact that he hated people saying and talking about serving their country as if they wanted to kill people or as if they were going to war was something so incredible when in fact it is one of the worst traumas anyone can go through. Yes, they do that for their country, but everything they witness is no less worse just because they are doing it for what they believe is the right reason. Lindsay didn't share this with him, she wanted him to talk.

- I didn't think you understood or anything, not until Kim asked me if I had ever seen cases like the one we had back then, in the army and when I put on my mask pretending I didn't care and I looked at you It was as if you knew all my secrets, your eyes had no pity or fear, they seemed to understand and another night I spent without nightmares. Having you with me that month was different, because you reacted in such different ways to me when it came to what I went through abroad that I didn't have the nightmares for a long time.

Erin smiles when she hears this, even though he doesn't share much, since that time she saw what a good man Halstead was, she admired him and knew he was one of the good ones, she wasn't wrong about that.

- It seemed like you knew when to ask and when not to ask the right questions and when not to pressure me and I liked that. Of course, apart from all that, our partnership had many more things, but about the army with you it was different, I didn't need to share it with you, because I thought that with you I no longer had PTSD, so I wouldn't burden you with my traumas and I believed that I was fine this way, that this was the best.

- You know you could have told me.

- Yes, but when I realized that it was too late, you always opened up to me, you trusted me with the good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly and I thought you already had too much on your plate to deal with my problems. things.

- Well, that's what partnership means... - she lightly pats his shoulder with a slight smile to lighten the mood.

- I never liked this sense of loyalty you had with Voight, I didn't want you to think that I was by your side waiting for you to reciprocate anything and I think that made me move away from you a little, because I wanted to protect you.

Erin smiles at him and takes his hand, stroking it in gratitude, she knew that, he always wanted to protect her and as much as it was one of the reasons for the separation, it was also one of the reasons for loving him. This care he had since their first day.

- Abby contacted me the night I was being very grateful to you for giving me the car keys. - he says with a mischievous smile plastered on his face. As soon as she remembers that night she also smiles.

- It was a good night. If I had known that you wanted the car keys so much, I would have given them to you sooner... - she arches her eyebrows at him. - this lightens the mood a little, but they don't get out of focus.

- I never said anything about her, because in the beginning I was never one to open up much and then, I didn't know how to approach this subject after we got together, but that night I knew I needed to tell you, but I thought I could resolve everything and then explain it to you, I didn't think it would become what it turned out to be. - he says defeated.

They both stay silent for a while, it was one of their most difficult times, especially for Lindsay and when she takes a deep breath, looks at him and squeezes his hand lightly, he knows he must continue.

- After that day everything changed. The nightmares returned and that was when I knew for sure that leaving was the best option. I would have hurt you. - He looks into her eyes.

- You didn't need to leave, you could have stayed in the guest room. - she says in a sad voice.

- I thought you would go after me. And because of that, I was afraid. Er, it wasn't pretty, I broke some things, I hurt myself, I would never forgive myself if I hurt you. Will was on duty, so he didn't run up to me.

- You shouldn't have been alone. - she says quickly. - We could have found a way.

- Remember when Terry died? - he asks and continues after she nods. - That was the first time I dealt better with that whole situation. You met me in the locker room, took me home...

- You didn't want me to stay. - she reminds him.

- Yes, but you insisted and remember what we did? - he asks.

- We watched documentaries until dawn. - She smiles at him.

- Yes, I remember you hated documentaries, but after Voight told me to take a few days off and let you take one too and we went to Wisconsin, I felt at peace...

- We could have done the same when Abby and all the nightmares came back... - she says. - It worked last time.

- Yes, but I saw how tired you were. We practically slept at different times. When I said I wanted us to go to Wisconsin, I wanted us to do some activities, but we barely left, you or I were tired. If you slept I would stay awake afraid that if I slept I would have nightmares and hurt you. If I slept, you would stay awake afraid that I would hurt you.

- I wasn't afraid you'd hurt me. - she responds quickly. - Jay, you were already in toxic relationships. If you hit me because of a nightmare I wouldn't be mad at you. Of course we would have to find a way, but I know you wouldn't do it on purpose.

- You don't understand, I would never forgive myself if I hurt you, even if I didn't mean to. - He looks at her and knows what's in her eyes, even if he also knows she won't say it. - I know I've already done it.

- Jay...

- I never forgave myself. It's a constant fight with myself that I left, for countless reasons. As much as a part of me still hits the button saying what I was doing for you, for me and for us, it doesn't exclude the fact that in addition to lying and doing what you always said was abandoning you, I left you alone Erin, I left you alone to deal with the pregnancy and the loss of our son. I know you didn't tell me and you know I would be by your side as soon as I knew, but my lie to protect you cost us our relationship. I made you put my problems in front of our son, I made you believe that I would come home only for him and not for you...

- It wasn't just that.

- I know. We've talked about this before, but I'm saying it again now so you understand where I'm coming from now. I want this, I want you to know that I wouldn't go home just because of the pregnancy. -he smiles subtly at her, ready to begin one of the darkest parts of her life. - After you left, I wasn't the same... - he takes a breath before continuing. - The nightmares became much worse, I stopped attending the veterans group, but not before the stories I heard began to haunt me and remind me even more of the time I served. After you left, I thought I had no reason to keep fighting. And I think a part of me thought that maybe if I hit rock bottom you'd come back to me.

- Jay... - her eyes fill with tears. She knows what it's like to be at rock bottom and she wouldn't wish that on Jay and just the simple fact that he thinks that to get her back he would need to go that deep hurts. She doesn't know what to say, so she squeezes his hand tightly, she was there now.

- Abby coming back, the stories of the veterans and her departure were just the beginning. It was always the same nightmares, it was horrible waking up from a nightmare where I saw you being killed and other things and not being able to be sure that you were okay. I would call you, but you never answered and the uncertainty was worse. So to not have to see you die in my nightmares... - the tears accompany the guilt she feels. She thought it was best for Jay. She was a mess, she couldn't be who he needed her to be. - So, I stopped sleeping. I stayed awake watching documentaries, running, doing anything else that would stop me from having the nightmares and that obviously didn't help me.

Jay stops for a while remembering that time. He remembers how angry he felt at Erin for never answering. The anger he felt at himself for not letting her in and for letting her go.

- I bought a ticket to NY. I wanted to see you. I needed to know that you were okay, that I would be okay just seeing you in person, but everyone stopped me. They said you had moved on, that I should too.

- Jay, I don't take my blame for all this. - She begins. - but I asked Hank about you. I always asked. He told me that you were fine, you were focused on work and that I better let things cool down as it wouldn't do me any good to keep asking about you and I only stopped asking when Hank told me that you were dating, that you had followed him. in front. -she wipes the stubborn tear that flows as she gets closer to him. - I never knew how bad you were. Leaving Chicago you were in the veterans group and had still heard from the girls at the hospital that you and Natalie were seeing each other. I thought you needed to move on without me. When I asked you to talk to my lawyers about our apartment it was because I thought you were with someone and I didn't think I could handle dealing with you after losing the pregnancy. - She takes a deep breath. - I should have asked you directly. I should have checked for myself.

- It's not your fault. Voight didn't want us together and I don't think he wanted me dragging you into my shit.

- It wasn't his choice to take. -she says a little angry in her tone.

- No, but he considers you his daughter. He would take any precaution to protect you and I'm okay with that. I don't know if I totally wanted you to see who I've become.

- I could have helped...

- Maybe not. Maybe you would still lose our son and I would blame myself even more. Erin, I pointed the gun at Hailey. I was so out of it that I was in a trance that I couldn't distinguish between reality and my dreams. Everything got worse when in a chase I killed a little girl...

- I'm very sorry...

- It wasn't my first time. -he stares at her, he watches her look, he expects fear, shame, disappointment, any kind of contempt on her part, but of course he wouldn't see that, not coming from Erin. Her look was empathetic, she knew what it was like to kill a child and feel guilty, even if that child posed some risk to her own safety, she was still a child. Jay knows that she went through this, with the 14-year-old boy and in his case he was an 11-year-old with bombs in his body. If he had activated those explosives it would have been the end of Jay and his entire team. He explained this to Erin, he said that even in that case of the army and the little girl who was just a victim, a child who was hiding in fear. He found himself reliving that guilt. It doesn't matter that the boy had explosives, he was only 11 years old, he was coerced to be there.

- Do you know what I learned? - she says when she realizes that he needs her to say something, even if it's something she understands, that she doesn't forgive him. Anything, he needs her to talk. And in that case, she thinks she knows exactly what to say. Not that it will make much of a difference. - There's no point in hearing from other people that it wasn't our fault, that it was their life or ours. It will never get easier Jay. We will never be completely at peace, because the profession we choose has its ups and downs. There are some who don't care and there are others who say it was God's choice or our own free will, but for us... - she looks at him. - For us, none of this answers our question. We still have that in our heads. It's not easy not to care or to forget. It's also not easy to just have faith and believe that it was destiny or because God simply wanted it that way. Because at the end of the day it was our attitudes, it was our choices and we still question whether we are right or wrong. It sucks to hear that we did this for the greater good or whatever nonsense they tell us, but none of that alleviates what we feel, but I learned that we only have this life now. Whether good or bad, we are still here, we are alive and even though I have many demons, even though I have many questions for God... - she smiles. - I'm still here, I'm still alive and many times I didn't want to be... - Jay smiles, not out of happiness for her last statement and the look in her eyes, he knows she understood, but he still wanted to emphasize his thought and explain the slight smile.

- I would be such a hypocrite if I scolded you for thinking that.

- Yes would be. - She smiles at him. - You know, my life doesn't matter, but yours does. And for you yours doesn't matter, but my life does. - she knows exactly what he wanted to say.

- When I came back and lost everything, I always wanted to die in the place of those who had family, but then my surviving had some purpose, one that was very worth it, since I'm here with you. And with Charlotte in the next room.

- Well, I say the same. - She smiles when he leans down to bring their foreheads together. She caresses his face. - And how did you deal with everything?

- It was not easy. I got involved with my informant. - he looks at the floor ashamed of his next words. - I was angry with you, I was full of problems and I thought that maybe if I slept with another woman it would make things easier.

- Hey... it's okay. I'm not here to judge you. Only you know what you went through and I'll tell you, you had to pick me up from rock bottom after Nádia's death. So, you don't need to worry about me. - she waits for him to look at her again. - I love you, Jay. Nothing you say will change that. - And with these words from the most incredible woman he has ever met, he continues.

- When I almost put my life, my partner's and the team's life at risk, Hank came to my house. He gave me an ultimatum. Either I sought help or I was out. It was so close that I just didn't jump out. At that time I had already lost you, my nightmares were back and I was angry about the cases I took. It wouldn't make much difference to me. At least that's what a part of me thought. However, the other part, the one that fought in the war, the one that survived it all. I wasn't going to give up so easily. Not when I need to pull myself together and if I hadn't been willing to do it for myself, I would have had to do it for my mother who always said she was proud of me. For my comrades who died fighting, who were not lucky enough to return home in one piece. For you, it wasn't fair that if I got to see you one more time, there was a good chance it would be because you were my last resort to pull me out of rock bottom. - he says remembering that whole time. It wasn't just Erin who caused his breakdown. At that time a series of bad things started to happen to him and put him there.

- I'm glad you're okay. - she smile. - I wouldn't want to have to pull you out of the deep end, but I would have come much sooner if I had known, because I know you. I always did and I would never forgive myself if I let something happen to you. - She kisses his cheek and then turns her face to quickly seal his lips.

- I know the army is the worst, I know we left to serve our country and well, I wanted that in the beginning and you know what I think about going back. - he says and she nods. Jay always said he wouldn't come back, he knows that it could end a person, not only with the dead and those who return without limbs, but with the lives of everyone who chooses to go. He didn't want that for himself and he didn't want that for Mouse, but with the latter it wasn't his decision to make. - But at that time, the waking flashbacks were horrible. I felt attacked all the time. I wasn't a good partner for Hailey back then. It amazes me that she didn't ask to change it or for them to take it off me. She wasn't very friendly either, but she was always there for me, listened to me when I was willing to talk and was trying to help me, but none of that mattered to me at that time. Not until Voight's ultimatum.

Erin nods. She would have handled Jay better because she already knew him, but Hailey had just fallen in with an unstable and troubled partner.

- Maybe she just didn't scare easily.

- I do not know can be. - Jay keeps his other thoughts to himself. It wouldn't be fair to Hailey. They are silent for a while. Erin didn't know if he was finished or not, but from Jay's state he was exhausted.

- Come on, let's get ready for bed. You know you can tell me everything whenever you're ready to say it, it doesn't have to be now. - she says and he nods, getting up.

When Jay finished changing his clothes, he went to the bathroom to brush his teeth and found Erin already finishing.

- I think I'd better sleep on the couch. You know, precaution.

- Did you go to therapy? - She leans against the bathroom counter and looks at him.

- Yes, I still do. Actually, I haven't been there for a long time.

- Well, we can try, see if I can really help you calm your nerves. - She approaches him. - You can sleep on the sofa if you think it's safer. -she caresses his arms. Her gentle look meets his look of insecurity. - Listen, I'm not going to break, okay? I am here. - she says and Jay nods. Erin takes his hand and places it above her breast so he can feel her heart. - I am here. - with the other hand she goes up to his face and they look at each other once again. - I'm all yours. -her voice came out a little huskier and Jay couldn't help but lean in and catch her lips in a firm kiss. His tongue opened her mouth and his hands went down her waist to pull her closer. That was the most he could give today, so he walked away not wanting to escalate things too much.

- Wow. - She smiles, breathing heavily. She wasn't prepared for this. - What was this? - She smiles at him.

- I can't resist you for long. - he says and kisses her once again, holding himself back because all he wanted was for her to pull her over the counter and have her right there.

- And why are you resisting? -she asks when she tried to continue the kiss and he interrupted. She realized that at the same time as she gave him intense kisses, he controlled himself whenever he felt things would get a little more intense and she was prepared for that intensity.

- I talked about you with my therapist. - he starts and that catches her attention. She moves away a little so she can meet his eyes. - At first I didn't like talking about you, it was difficult so I always avoided commenting, but after trying to deal with it alone I realized that maybe she could help me. And that's what she did. I was able to talk about you without being angry, or hurt, or guilty. - he says and she nods. - At least until I see you again, because everything came back like a dam that broke. - He gives a slight smile and she nods once again, it was the same for her. - But that's not what I want to talk to you about. - he returns to focus. - When I started talking about our relationship to her, she said that when I didn't want to talk about my past to you, I always resorted to sex...

- Is not true. - Erin remembers. Of course sometimes when he was angrier or more irritated it could lead to a night of wild sex. Which she wasn't complaining about, as Jay was always careful with her, even in the wildest of times.

- It wasn't like she said it would always be. - he reassures her. - But it was my escape point sometimes. -Erin also had a therapist, and not that she had a degree in it or anything, but she didn't see any problem with having relationships when she didn't want to talk at the moment. Isn't sex an escape and a stress reliever? At least that's what they say. - That wasn't a problem. - he says and she laughs at herself, always rushing things. So she decides to stop thinking and see where he wants to go with this. - Whenever I experienced a trigger, I knew you knew, but I always resorted to other ways than actually telling you. If after the sex, the documentary or whatever distraction I chose, I opened up to you, maybe we wouldn't have gone through everything we went through years ago. Even if I opened up to you, I never really went that deep and I avoided talking to you.

- Yes... when Terry died, you told me things about those last days, but you didn't want to say anything more about the army. - he nods and she remembers other things, knowing where he was coming from, however, this time there was a difference. - As much as I want you. - She smiles mischievously at him and continues. - And I think your kisses want me too. - another smile and a wink at him. - If you don't want to, that's fine, but know that you opened up to me a lot more this time. You went to the army. He shared his fears and his secrets with me. So you're not totally cheating.

- But I didn't tell everything. - he warns.

- And everything is fine. - She puts both arms around his neck. - Doctor Charles taught me that we should go little by little. One step at a time, okay? - she says and he nods. That's enough of a deal for them. She smiles and leans in, capturing his lips. This time it's soft and chaste, with no pretensions to being anything more. - I go to bed. And it's okay whether you choose to go or not. I love you. - she says and walks away leaving him alone.

15 minutes passed. Erin didn't know if he was going to lay with her or not. And she was even trying to sleep to avoid thinking, but it was difficult. She knew he had already finished in the bathroom because it was silent, she knew he was thinking about what to do. It was his decision, but she couldn't help but smile as she felt his space on the bed dip. Not only that, he walked over and pulled her close. She wanted to turn around, but she was so comfortable that way that all she did was intertwine her fingers with his that was on her belly. Jay sniffed and kissed her neck.

- I love you... - he whispers. It was a challenge for him, her fear of risking hurting her was still present and he was only taking the risk because this time he felt it would be different. Everything would be different.

"What hurts can be healed, no matter if it gets dark, the sun will shine again..."

- Grey's Anatomy