Chapter 165: Carrying a Sin in the very soul.
It was cold.
It was so terribly cold.
It had been cold that time as well, a chill that had struck him to his very heart, that he could not feel the warmth of the early morning sun. That moment replayed in his mind now of all times for that very reason, the cold was oh so familiar to him that it was poetic. Perhaps it truly was fate that he felt that chill once more.
His eyes remained locked onto the thicket of bark before him, the bricks of wood and fortress of birch.
How long had it been since Chaldea had moved on? A few minutes? Ten minutes? An hour?
He did not care, could not care. All that mattered was they were moving far enough away from this place while he remained here. As was his duty, to protect the Queen. The oath he had sworn to uphold, to protect the Royal Family and serve them in all things. Whether or not he agreed with them, that was his oath. An oath he had broken in death, or perhaps he had broken it with death.
His own.
It made itself known the moment the Chaldeans agreed to move on without him, the tightness around his neck. That sensation of strangulation that was just enough to warn him of his fate, a promise of things to come, he supposed. Feeling the same resignation now that he had done so then.
Whether or not he tried his hardest in this upcoming battle, he was doomed for death.
Green eyes turned to the helmet that lay atop the pommel of his sword, his bare head exposed to the breeze and the chilling winds biting at his flesh. Chipped fragments of his lips blew away into the distance, though he could only suppose the result. He had felt the cold worsen, to the chills that had plagued him before coming to what was supposed to have been a sanctuary.
There was nothing that could hide his sins. His shame.
Rattling reached his ears, his focus abandoned his thoughts and returned to the world around him. Staring at his helmet at the wind drummed it against his sword like a bell, the metallic clanging echoing through the world and his very skull. The empty features of the helmet glared right back at him. Perhaps to mock him or perhaps something else, a final vision.
…Was this how Gawyn had felt each time he saw that helmet?
Was it accompanied by the promise of pain and death? Did he resign himself to that each and every time that helmet appeared before him? If he did, then he could offer nothing more than grim acceptance. There would be no words that he could offer that would be genuine. Regardless of who was to threaten his Queen, they were still a threat.
Drawing in a deep breath, he ignored the flash of pain that came when he parted his lips. The ice had frozen them shut, pulling them apart caused a sudden warmth to spread across his features, running down his chin for a few seconds before even that warmth faded. A tightening sensation pooling along the front of his face.
Closing his eyes once more, he extended his right hand towards the helmet and placed the flat of his palm atop the armour. Curling his fingers ever so slightly and bringing the rattle to a halt, silence save for the howl of the wind descended upon him. A silence that would not last, he knew it would not. Yet even that interval would not last long.
"You're what?" It came as no surprise to him that the voice of Ritsuka was a mixture of shock and confusion, clearly not having anticipated what he was going to say. In fairness, his statement was nothing shy of foolish for any without context. Even with the full understanding of the situation, Llew would not call his actions of right mind either. "Llew, what the heck do you-"
"You are no fool, Ritsuka." He gently chided the boy, he knew that his pseudo-Master was much smarter than that. Perhaps not of the level of the archivists but all the same he was certainly no idiot. Beyond that, he had spoken clear enough that he knew his words had been heard and received. "I mean to say that I shall remain here while you all continue on."
He drew in a short breath, his next words coming out with less emotion than he currently felt. "This will likely mark the final time we see one another, but-"
Ritsuka did not even grant him the chance to finish his sentence before the next words came from his mouth as an irritated rush. Something that was rather interesting or perhaps novel, he had not heard annoyance from the boy such as this, but his own actions crossed a very foolish line. He was allowing himself to become personally motivated with this endeavour but…it was impossible not to.
"You're talking crazy, Llew." The young boy's reply was somewhat heated. "Medea just said that he was packing some crazy amounts of magical energy and that…" he exhaled "Look, I don't understand what is going on right now and I'm probably not alone. Hell, I'm freaking out about what just happened." Ritsuka's voice shook "But what I do know is that when Ash tears through those walls, he's not going to be in a talking mood."
He knew that well enough, Ash…Gawyn, had made his intentions obvious enough during the initial encounter. Had it not been for the actions of Quella to stem the tide of fire and attract the full attention of the Servant…he was sure that half of them would be dead or crippled by now.
"Listen…" Ritsuka breathed out, slightly pleading "Quella is buying everyone time to get away from here and that means we all need to move out. You staying here isn't going to mean anything if he just tears through you in, like, three seconds."
Perhaps he should have been insulted that his skills were being viewed so lowly but after the display of power he had seen and the sheer magnitude of magical energy he had felt, he figured that Ritsuka was actually overestimating his skills. Captain of the guard he might have been for the Royal Family, but he was certainly not capable of swinging a sword around over his head and throwing out huge rivers of fire from his blade. Nor could he unleash great gusts of magical energy from his body.
He was just a man.
"It is three seconds longer you would have to escape." Even to him, that reasoning sounded pathetic. Framing this as some manner of noble sacrifice was the wrong way to go about it, because there was nothing noble about this situation. He even grimaced the moment he had spoken the words, thankful his back faced Ritsuka and his helmet covered his head, else they would have seen the ugly expression he made.
"The hell are you even talking about?" That came from the younger knight, the one with blonde hair. Sir Mordred, he believed her name was. She actually looked rather familiar to him, he believed that he had a cousin who shared her features? An odd thing to consider at a time like this but it didn't matter too greatly.
The words of Sir Mordred were delivered with a lack of grace about them, blunt like a hammer and sharp like a sword. Cutting straight to the heart of the matter. "Are you seriously gonna stand here and die like a chump? In fact, Oi! Blondie!"
"Blondie?" A younger voice followed, that of the red eyed boy he had glimpsed briefly and had gotten into a spat with the Queen. He was certainly a brave lad, if a lot of foolish. "But alright then…that's certainly not a nickname I've heard before. I suppose it's rather fitting with my blonde hair-"
"Yeah, I don't give a shit." Mordred drawled out, earning a chuckle from the boy that didn't sound very friendly. "What happens when that fiery asshole comes bursting into this world again? You were the one talking about problems here, so I'm sure you're gonna have something more to say."
"Hmmmm. I suppose…well, it should go without saying that he's above regular Servants now." The boy explained without any sense of urgency in his voice. "At the same time, he's still a little new to all of this so I would say we're actually doing fairly well. Or rather, we're in for a chance if we can get to a certain somebody with the right tools for this job."
"...Huh?"
"I can explain on the way but if he's going to stay behind then there's really no need to explain it to a dead man." Llew very nearly laughed at it, that was a rather sensible point of view. So long as he remained ignorant, then the less chance of information being let slip about whatever plan they had. "But perhaps it is just me but it's fairly obvious he's going to stay here regardless of if you order him or not. You could probably force him but I doubt that would be a good idea."
Command Seals.
Absolute orders and it would take one of those to get him to move from this spot.
Ritsuka did not speak for a moment, and then "For crying out loud!" he all but snarled out, audibly stomping his foot into the snow. "Why? Just-just why are you doing this now? I could get the idea you were trying to buy us time but you don't need to do that! This is…Llew, this doesn't make sense to me so just help me understand-"
Llew moved his hands to the buckle of his helmet, unfastening the clips with a clicking sound and then pulling them aside. Drawing his hands back, he placed them on the side of the helmet and pulled them upwards, exposing his head to the world for the first time since his arrival. Becoming aware of the chill but ignoring it in full. His eyes fell to the sword at his right, leaning over and mounting the helmet atop the pommel of the blade before releasing it.
Without his helm, his voice sounded clearer than ever before. "Ritsuka. I still have an oath to protect my Lord with my life. If, for only a brief time, I can ensure their safety then it is of no choice for me. I shall put my entire being on the line to keep them safe."
Exhaling, he turned himself around, facing Ritsuka fully along with the other Servants present. For a split second, he watched the most visible reaction coming from the white armoured knight with the spear, his eyes widening and his jaw lowering for a brief second before it snapped shut and focus returned to his features, if a little strained.
Llew ignored quickly, instead focusing fully on Ritsuka himself. The black haired youth stared him dead in the eyes with a look that would not have been out of place on someone twice his age and with a great deal more experience under his belt. The boy was still green, but he was getting there. Bit by bit.
"Ritsuka…There are some things that I cannot explain with words." Clenching his fist, he brought it up and placed it against his heart. "I will not explain it to you…but I will say that this is for me to do. My death for your life…it should not be a choice."
"I'm going to need something more concrete than that, Llew." Ritsuka shook his head from side to side, though he had not outright rejected him thus far. But he could still not say, for this was one oath that he was going to keep a secret. Yet he could see something blooming in the eyes of Ritsuka, which was understandable. If he did know Gawyn and had seen his face, then he would know. "This is probably going to end with you dead and-"
"And that is fine." Llew cut him off "To be a Knight is to pledge your life to a cause. This time around…I want to at least uphold that pledge. I can grant you time enough, if this foe is as strong as you say then every second I hold him here is ground you gain." there was one who would understand. "I am certain that…Haku, can speak much the same."
Ritsuka made a face, opening his mouth for a moment before closing it again. Judging by the pain scowl that now washed over his features, it was clear that Haku was explaining much the same thing. Against an overwhelming force, guerilla tactics were necessary. If this truly was Gawyn, then he was certain he could delay him for some time, or occupy his full attention. He would be surprised if he was unable to.
"There's still no need for-"
"He is correct." The words came not from Ritsuka, but from the white knight. The man taking a single step forwards. "This is a matter that can be considered somewhat foolish. We have no way of knowing how long Quella might hold Ash, it might just be long enough for us to make an escape and for him to be left unaware of our location. As he has cut his connection with his Master, he has no method of discovering us."
The knight was silent for a moment before his expression shifted into something of acceptance. "However…your mind has already been made up, has it not?"
"...It has." Llew confirmed, the knight was more perceptive than he let on.
Silence followed. "I would suggest that a more united front would serve us better in the fight that now lies ahead of us…but I can tell your heart would not be in the conflict." he nodded once "This is the best you can muster, isn't it?"
"..."
"You do not need to respond, some things shall go without saying." Shaking his head, the knight turned to Ritsuka. "You should accept this decision, young Master. This is, more than likely, the only way he can find himself to be of use."
"But Sir Percival-"
"Sir Kyrielight." It was at least good to know the name of this knight, Sir Percival. He seemed a good man thus far. The white haired man silenced the girl with but the mention of her name. "The matters of the heart are as complicated as they are spontaneous…I will not deny that this plan lacks any and all strategy…" Percival turned his head, now looking him in the eyes. "...But there are some things we cannot force a man to participate in."
He knew.
That was all there was to it. He knew and understood.
Llew turned his attention to the Queen, she regarded him with an emotionless gaze that held neither condemnation nor condoning. It was nothing more than acceptance of what was happening before her. "...Your bond with them has not changed, nor has your shame."
The words of the Queen might have been biting once, but he could only offer a wry smile to her. He would never have done so in the past, but now felt as though it would be the best time to do so. He would be dead either way. "It seems I would take my leave of you again, your Highness, for much the same reason as the last time…if you cannot find it in your heart to forgive me-"
"It is something I shall never forgive, Llew." Gwynevere cut him off with curt words, yet she allowed a faint smile to grace her features. "But to complain of your heart now would be embarrassing for me…as that was why I chose you in the very beginning." the smile vanished "Know that if you cannot delay them for more than a minute, I shall remain eternally disappointed in you. Recall that you were elected to be Captain of the Royal Knights, regardless of all else that burdens your heart."
If that was to be a comfort for him, it was as cold as the land around them. Yet he could not keep his pride from preening at the words she offered. He doubted he would last even a few seconds and suddenly she was demanding that he last more than a minute? She was always rather demanding of him, he supposed.
Then again, she was the Queen. If she did not expect the best from her subjects, then she would never have elected to become their ruler. Perhaps he was just desensitised to unreasonable demands or perhaps it truly was the charisma of Gwynevere at work. Terrified he might well be of her, she could turn things around if she wanted. If she was allowing him to remain…then she truly believed it was the right course of action.
It all came back down to Ritsuka, he turned his attention from the Queen towards the young boy who would ultimately decide what happened next. Whether he remained here or was forced to leave, it would depend solely upon his next actions.
Ritsuka looked back with a strained expression, hesitation upon his features and a look that made it clear he was heavily leaning towards outright rejecting the idea. After a few seconds of silence, his face dropped and his eyes closed. "...You'd really force me, wouldn't you?"
"...I'm sorry."
"...Me too." The boy opened his eyes once more, presenting a smile that did not even reach them. A somewhat saddened look upon his face. "...We'll put as much distance between here as we can. You…do your best, Llew. I can't say I understand but it definitely means a lot to you so…." he exhaled, shrugging his shoulders and making a half turn. "Well…I…you really were a big help, you know?"
"You do not need to mask your disappointment." He had little interest in platitudes that were born of obligation. He had barely been much of an assistance in the first place. Right at the end, he was choosing to be selfish because he could not bear the weight of any other path before him. What a weakling he was, who could not lift his sword when it truly mattered. "Failing those at the end of my life when they depend upon me is…something I am accustomed to."
Ritsuka frowned for a moment "I don't think this is much of a failure. You do what you think is right…" he shot a glance towards Percival for a brief moment, the knight locked eyes with Ritsuka for a second and the two held a silent conversation, the former returned his gaze back to him. "It's all any of us can do."
With those final words, he offered a single nod of the head before he turned around and started to walk off. The others remained behind but those who did not know of him had barely any reason to linger. Yet, there was one who he did trust to carry on with the next task. He might have met them only once, but he was confident in their abilities. "Sir Vordt?"
The knight in question jolted in surprise, then turned his helmet to him. "It might be selfish. But I ask you to take up my role of protecting Ritsuka in my stead. I am unable to do so for much longer. Your predecessor spoke very highly of your abilities."
Vordt stared back for a moment in silence, then nodded once. "My strength is all I truly have going for me, but I shall put it to good use." he slammed his fist into his chest. "You have my word on that, Sir Llew."
"My thanks…Archivist Sulyvahn?"
"You hope I die?" The dry words of the Pontiff voiced the thoughts he had been planning to do so himself, yet he did not mind.
He cracked a half smile for a moment. "You always were good at reading the intentions of others."
Sulyvahn grunted and turned away, hobbling after Ritsuka with his one arm before he started to fade away, returning to his astral form.
He shared one final look with Gwynevere "...My apologies. Highness. I could have buried this urge of mine and tried to serve you but-"
"You always were a poor liar." Gwynevere silenced him with a shake of the head "And your soul shines all the brighter when you act like this. A shame you choose now to do so after a reunion but…Gawyn always was the one that broke us, was he not?" she mused with a tilt of the head, then she too turned her back on him.
Percival and Nursery had stayed the longest, the former looked troubled for but a few moments before speaking. "I would wish you fortune in this endeavour…but there are some tasks that do not need one to wish them luck. So I shall simply say…I hope you are satisfied." He followed on after them.
Nursery stayed around to stare at him "...I'm sorry about this, Mister Llew."
"I'm not."
"That's why I am." The girl did not hesitate "I truly dislike sad endings and this is…very unhappy, isn't it?"
"...I suppose." No sense in denying it. "...Farewell, Lady Rhyme. Our short time together was illuminating. Join with the others…unhappy as this ending might be, it is one I must see through alone." he turned around, facing the wall of branches and staring at it. "I…owe him that much. Though…if there is one thing I would ask of you…a happy ending for him, this time around, would be…much better."
"...That is a wish I can support, Mister Llew."
"...It's naive but you are a miracle who gained sentience." He shrugged his shoulders, if only so that his son could experience something even moderately decent this time around. It wouldn't be enough, but so long as he perished content with his life…that would be enough for him.
The birch trees wilted, it was a change as sudden as it was rapid. The decay spreading over the bark swiftly enough that they consumed the second of the wall in front of him within but a few seconds. He recognised the signs, rapid decay of plant life. That could mean only one single thing.
As if to punctate this belief, the wood in front of him creaked and groaned as it started to bulge forwards and to the side. The protests from the wood continued for a good few seconds before they jerked, a snapping sound filled his ears as the gap in the walls in front of him was widened ever so slightly, a hand burst through the wood and curled around the face of the trunk, soon followed by another hand pointing in the opposite direction bursting out directly beneath the first.
The fingers started to visibly pull, deep cracks spread across the wood as the attacker yanked them inwards. The resistance of the wall lasted all of a few seconds before it gave way. The trees collapsed inwards, the moment they were torn aside the smoke from behind them came pouring out, spewing forth and rising into the sky. Thick black smog and a scent of burnt ash.
A cursory look inside - for what little he could see - revealed that the once green landscape was now a dark grey, a thick covering of ash and burnt cinders lay strewn across it. Though, even that was starting to fade. He could see it, flakes of golden light peeling away from the scenery and rising high up into the sky, he did not track them with his eyes.
He kept his focus straight ahead, and to the dark silhouette that stood on the precipice.
A backdrop of black fire illuminated his form, yet he made no attempt to move beyond standing there. Llew had expected some sort of reaction by now, perhaps a blind charge of fury or something else but this dumbfounded stare of silence he felt he was receiving was arguably worse. As though Gawyn had not even considered the idea that he would wish to face him.
That was fine, he didn't know what he could say either. His throat dried up in the instant that the shadow stepped through the gap and into the open. He knew that armour well enough, he'd been there when it was forged. The armour that was to be worn by the Elder Prince Lorian, who showed as much promise with the blade as Gawyn did…
He did not recognise the helm though, but it was similar in design to that of Vordt's so he could suppose that was where it came from. The realisation that he was mentally stalling his actions came to him as swiftly as it was painful, he fought the grimace that threatened to come upon his features tooth and nail.
Neither one of them said a word, Gawyn took three steps forwards into the snow and then stopped, all the while the world behind him collapsed into golden light. Llew glanced towards the burning sword in his right hand, the platinum blade that looked as though it was carved from molten rock, a flickering white light towards the hilt of the weapon and a crossguard that curved down like an arrow. All the while, wisps of black smoke rose up from them. The sword and the wielder.
He could feel no fear…
Only shame.
He brought his eyes away from the weapon and back to the silent figure in front of him.
"You are the only one to remain?" Were the first words from behind Gawyn's helmet, the metallic echo of his words deepening his voice considerably. Perhaps it would have been intimidating to others, but all Llew could find himself seeing was a boy covered in bruises and cuts desperate trying to raise a sword much too heavy for him. It's all he could ever see.
Yet, he answered the question all the same. "I am."
Gawyn hummed as he walked forwards "I had expected that all of them would have used the distraction of the spirit to escape. Or perhaps they would have prepared some sort of trap for me the moment I escaped. It would have been more prudent…" he trailed off, the helmet sweeping over the scenery once more as though he was trying to make sure that Llew was the only one there. "But it is just you."
"It is." He inhaled, nodding his head once. "Just you and I."
"Was Gwynevere so ready to toss you aside as well?" The words slipped from Gawyn with no small amount of venom to them. "Did she command you to remain here and stall me for time? Does she even understand how little a threat you pose to me right now?"
He drew his lips thin. "Gwynevere commanded nothing of me, I am here of my own volition."
The helmet of Gawyn snapped towards him so swiftly it blurred, a piercing gaze lying behind the featureless mask. "How sure of that are you, truly?" He prodded, tilting his head ever so slightly. "Is it truly of your own choice or is it just what you believe she wants?"
"...It has nothing to do with her-"
"I've felt her words in my head." Raising his left hand up, he pressed his index finger against the side of his helmet, drawing it back and then forward. Tapping away at the steel helm. "I know their appeal…I know the appeal of doing whatever might impress her, even now I can feel their pull…like a chain around my neck…" he lowered the arm "So are you truly here because you wish to be, or because Gwynevere is pulling at your chains as well?"
Llew felt his eyes narrow "Is that what you see her as? A grand owner of slaves? That she forces her will onto each and every single person she encounters?"
Gawyn spread his arms wide "Why should I not? It is what she did to me, isn't it?" the arms dropped, the sword in his right hand thudding against the ground. "Because I wanted to…or because Gawyn wanted to. That sweet feeling, that enriching sense of worth when she smiles at you…when she congratulates you and then you're addicted…you search for anything that will bring you the next compliment, or the next smile. Because that's what she does. That's what she is."
"...Not to everyone." It was a feeble argument, not one that truly was made to work in the first place but he was still a knight. Personal feelings aside, to let one slander the royal family was unacceptable to him. Regardless of how deeply they had been hurt by them. Though, he could not say that Gawyn was totally incorrect either…which is what made it all the worse.
"Is that truly the best argument you can give?" Gawyn sounded disappointed more than anything else. "You can't even be sure that this action you're doing here and now is one that you believe in or one you believe Gwynevere will benefit from."
"Does it matter to you either way?" Llew felt his emotions strain, he did not raise his voice but he made it pointed. Waving his arm to Gawyn and the landscape behind him. "Are you doing all of this because of Gwynevere? Is it all for revenge?"
"Revenge? You think that I care for revenge?" Gawyn sounded disgusted by the remark "I am above such base vices as that. Pursuing revenge would only cause me to lose myself…I fully intend to kill Gwynevere but it is a public service, not an act of petty revenge for her slights against me. She is a menace…and she very nearly turned me into one." he paused, shaking his head from side to side. "No…she did make me one."
Llew frowned "But it is not just Gwynevere you turn your blade on, is it?" he snapped, "What slight did the Spirit Quella do you? Or your allies? Was it Gwynevere who forced your hand to try and kill them?"
"Yes."
"Do not speak such nonsense-"
"I am doing what she made me to do." Gawyn cut him off "What you made me to do."
Llew could not even laugh at such an absurd statement, his expression shifted and he felt disgust enter his features as he took a step backwards. The shame of being stood before Gawyn once more had started to fade, replaced only by anger. "You were not made to slaughter your own allies-"
"I was made to follow my duty above all else. I was made to commit suicide for you." Gawyn sneered "Because that is what gives me value. If I don't follow my duty I am unworthy…If I cannot kill myself correctly for you, then I am nothing." his left hand came up, pointing to his chest. "So yes. It is the fault of Gwynevere. Because I have lived by that duty, I am that duty…I cannot abandon it now…because I am nothing without it."
"...What duty?"
Gawyn lowered his arm "What do you even care anymore? If you truly came here of your own volition then what is it you hoped to achieve? Even knowing my movements will not close the gap in power between the two of us. I can kill you before your fingers even touch your sword."
"...I wanted to see what you had become."
"I became what you made me to become." Gawyn declared in a cold tone of voice. "The perfect weapon of duty. This time though…this time it is my own duty." he paused for a moment, then an almost crazed laugh spilled from him "Or maybe it isn't…maybe I still am chained by the words of Gwynevere, convincing me that it is a life in adherence to duty that is valuable and not the duty itself? I don't even know anymore!"
"Gwynevere is not alone in being responsible for your state-"
"You think I can blame you?" He was cut off with a dismissive tone of voice "You're no different than Gawyn. Enslaved to her will. What agency do you even have in your own actions?"
"My actions were always my own."
"I cannot even trust a single word you say. Even if I did…your blind faith to the Gods is just as pitiful as ever." Gawyn shook his head from side to side. "You cannot even see what they have done to you and you will not accept what I have to say. It makes conversation pointless…you're blind to your own suffering."
"Then I am pleased to stay blind-"
"But I am not." Gawyn cut him off "You think this is somehow pleasing to me? You think that I wish to behold a humanity that tortures itself again and again forever?" he stepped forwards, pinching his fingers together "That they cannot grasp the simple concept of trying to find their purpose in the world? Either enslaved to the Gods or to their own vices and unwilling to part from them? You think I want to behold a sight so utterly disgusting as that?"
He let out a long breath "No. I don't. Whether or not this…obsession with duty is truly my own, it does not change anything. I do not want to see humanity suffer. I don't enjoy it…I don't like it and I will not play a part in it again. Even if that means that the only method of saving them is to kill them…fine. I will do that."
"...What you speak of…is madness."
"Madness born at the end of all things." Gawyn declared "A perspective I achieved through walking the ruins of the world, seeing the end of existence itself. I walked in the ashes of the city of endless time, I traversed the deepest pits of the embers of Chaos, I stood in the halls of the Kingdom once mighty now a ruin…I have seen enough."
Llew…he could not even begin to understand what was being said here. He might have understood the words that were being spoken but at the same time this was far beyond whatever he imagined. "Your allies defended you, even after that display…they said another was influencing your mind."
Gawyn stared back "My mind is clear for the first time in a long time. I understand my place in the world…even with the memories and lessons that you granted me in the past. I maintain my own will. Solomon only showed me the world…I made this choice of my own volition."
Llew spread his arms wide, could he not see the flaw in his own argument. "You speak of ending suffering and yet you shall commit to murdering all those who stand before you! That is no mercy-"
"You think I do this because I enjoy it?" Gawyn stepped back, pointing to himself. "That I somehow take joy in killing humans? I wanted this world to be right, I was desperate for it." he exhaled "But it's not one I can accept, it's not one that conforms to how I view the world…and that's your doing. But…that's fine…I found peace in my way of living. I could endure whatever hardship came my way because of it."
He shrugged "If that way of life worked for me…then why can it not be followed by everyone?"
"...I had not intended to fight you when we met. I intended to offer my own explanation but I can see it would be a wasted effort." Llew felt the words pass through his throat without stopping, feeling as though it had to be said. "You were right…you were used. But what you seek to do is wrong. It is evil."
"Evil…" Gawyn muttered "...To you, maybe. To me?" he shook his head "But fine…if it is evil to prevent humanity from suffering. Then that's fine, I can accept being evil in your words."
His hand moved for the helmet, pulling it off the sword and quickly placing it atop his head. throughout all that time, Gawyn did not try to strike him down. Content to watch as he armed and armoured himself. Llew frowned behind his helmet as he fastened it, then reached for his sword and pulled it from the ground. "...Why wait?"
"Because I know you would prefer to die with a sword in your hands. I can accommodate that, at least." He brought up his own sword. "There is no sense in having your final moments be ones where you feel as though you are so utterly useless you achieved nothing…It is a poor way to die."
"...You let me speak?"
Gawyn did not reply.
Not with words.
Instead, he struck first.
The mood was sombre as they walked, Ritsuka felt very little as he moved through the snow and passed by all the houses. Even the cold that had once been a constant concern barely even registered to him at all. He could feel very little in the way of anything at the moment and he wasn't sure if that was him or if that was Haku limiting his senses as he had done so before.
Heck, maybe it was something else entirely.
All he could really think about was what to do next…
…They had to stop Ash.
It was just something that he had not even considered being a possibility before right this moment and still had problems coming to terms with it. What was he supposed to do? After all they had gone through, was he supposed to just…kill him?
And it would be to kill him.
Because Ash wasn't like other Servants, he had apparently travelled here from his own world rather than die and be summoned. Which meant that he was alive? Or as alive as someone like him could be. Even still, thinking about the Servants as individuals he could let die and then just resummon again and again was not a thought he was willing to entertain.
"Whatever personal feelings you have on the matter. It cannot be denied that this Ash of yours…he is now a true threat." Haku did not sound cold as he spoke, there was sympathy in his words. "Though, to kill a friend is not something that many would consider doing so easily. Especially when they are going down a path that you cannot understand."
'I just…he never said anything…' Ritsuka cut himself off after saying that, he pulled his face into a deep frown before silently shaking his head from side to side. That wasn't quite true though, was it. Ash had said quite a few things that were worrying but he had never really paid much attention to it. Not really, just letting each of the comments slip right on by him without a word.
And now they were all paying for him being so unobservant. The moment in which Ash might have actually needed support and no one was actually there for him. Or when he needed help and no one could do a thing about him.
"You cannot blame yourself for this turn. There is only so much one individual can do." Haku admonished him without any real heat, but all the same, Ritsuka felt his irritation flare at the words. They were nothing more than a cop out, at least to him. He didn't even feel as though he had tried to make Ash feel better. He'd never made the attempt to really try and help him adjust to the world on his own, just taking him from one spot to the next and letting his confusion build and build and build until nothing. "Ritsuka…you cannot help those who do not seek help."
Ritsuka snorted in his mind 'That's an excuse…I was Ash's Master. A Master is supposed to take care of his Servants and Ash…Ash couldn't even trust me enough to tell me he was actually alive this whole time.' it was a harrowing discovery 'Why the heck would he trust me with all his social issues…even Jeanne didn't get a lot out of him.'
Haku sighed "You are no great king, nor can you command minds to your will. You cannot peer into the minds of your allies nor read their emotions. You can only make do with the tools you have available to you." The Caster paused to let the words hang in his mind for a moment, then continued on. "There might well have been moments where you could have helped the Saber…but there were a great deal more where he could have asked. You are only human, Ritsuka. There is only so much your people can-"
The Caster cut himself off, Ritsuka felt the Servant tense inside his mind before the presence slowly retreated backwards. "She's here."
With those ominous words, he departed to the furthest recesses. Ritsuka didn't need to take a guess who the 'she' in question was. Especially since he felt the presence of her behind him, he didn't need to turn around to feel her gaze in the back of his head. He probably wasn't in the best of moods right now, but snapping at her wouldn't help anything either.
Gwynevere began the conversation all the same. "I feel as though you have gotten a rather grim impression of me in recent times." The Goddess's voice was difficult to discern, she sounded as though she was upset but not surprised. "You need to not respond for me to acknowledge this. Recent events have not painted me in the greatest of lights and I have accepted all this."
Ritsuka let out a noise "Yeah…first impressions are difficult to get rid of." he closed his eyes and exhaled. "Your one is a mixed bag. I won't lie."
Gwynevere actually chuckled at that, though there was something about her laugh that made it clear she didn't find it all that amusing. "That is a more than fair assessment, I would say." the laughter settled down after a moment "...You are friends with Gawyn-"
"Ash." Ritsuka corrected on instinct, he grimaced a moment later at how he might have come off as a little snappy with the comment. "...His name is Ash."
The Goddess didn't immediately reply, when she did there was some odd note to her words. "Ash." She spoke the name as though she was tasting it, after a few moments of silence she hummed to herself, making it difficult to discern whether she approved or was upset at his original name not being used. "If that is the name he has chosen for himself, then I will use it. That is, after all, the least I can do."
"...But I don't…Ash doesn't have friends." He remembered being told that by Arash, the fact Ash didn't even view Siegward as a friend was a pretty big surprise to him. Especially since the two seemed to be on very good terms. The idea that he didn't view Ritsuka himself as a friend was a bit disheartening but he figured it was just something that would take time. "We're on good terms but he doesn't have friends…more focused on his duty, I guess."
That time, he did mean his comment to be a little vindictive. It was extremely petty of him and very unbecoming behaviour, but he couldn't help it. He disapproved of it the moment he made the comment, but it was a little late to take it back now. He'd already spoken of it.
"...As I raised him."
"...Why did you even do that?"
Gwynevere exhaled, sounding as though the life was leaving her body "Kindling was required for the flame. A champion was needed to link the fire and I came with the suggestion of using one blessed with the blood of a Lord." she explained, her voice turning more clinical and distant. Ritsuka could already see where this was going. "I was the only Lord available, thus my blood was required. So I birthed children to take up this role."
Children.
Plural.
He didn't need to be told who the father was, it was striking.
"...And?"
He did not immediately receive an answer, but when he did it wasn't quite the one he had been expecting. "My Father, Lord Gwyn, sacrificed his own soul to the Flame. The first Lord of Cinder and started the chain of events…We Lordkin…we need the flame to exist, without it we fade away to nothing." she explained "And if we were to vanish from the world, all we created would depart with us. Everything that humanity could ever learn from us, all we would ever bring to them would be lost to never return."
Ritsuka looked over his shoulder towards her, the Goddess stared back at him with an expression bereft of emotion. "And all it cost was Ash's life."
"And all it would cost was the life of my son, yes. Bastard child that he was, he was still mine. Yet…I had a greater duty than to even myself. Against my back was the entire history of my people, of the Age of Fire itself." Gwynevere remarked with a sombre tone, closing her eyes and exhaling. "So yes. Ash was born to be used as fuel for the Flame. I balanced the life of my son against a millennium of all that came before, the sacrifices that had gone towards keeping the flame lit. And to the future that would hang in the balance."
When her eyes opened, she glanced down to him "When faced with a choice such as that, one life against the entire world, what choice do you suppose would be the correct one."
"...That seems easy to say when it's not your life."
Gwynevere nodded "True. There has not been another God since Father who linked the flame themselves. It has always fallen to humans or others during that time. Perhaps it is easy of me to make such a choice but I am a mother. I knew what my son could become if I took the time to raise him correctly."
Her lips drew themselves into thin lines "I birthed him, I raised him to be so focused on the duty to the flame and ignore all else that I lost sight of what it was that made those who linked the fire so worthy. I realised my mistake much too late." her eyes moved away from him, staring straight ahead. "Those who linked the fire were legends. They did so of their own volition and they were more than simple tools. I sought to provide the flame with a sword…when what it demanded was a hero."
Ritsuka already knew what Ash was. Unkindled, unfit even for cinders or so he claimed. Which meant the flame had found him so unworthy that it had rejected him. "...So in the end-"
"In the end…" Gwynevere nodded her head up and down "In the end, I turned my own son into that for nothing. Whatever future he could have had, whatever he might have achieved with the knowledge I could bestow unto him, that future was curtailed for the benefit of the world. In the end, his death served as little more than a private embarrassment that was never acknowledged. My other son, who would suffer a similar fate, was sent to a Firekeeper long since dead. Becoming the judge for any who would rise to link the flame is such a thing came to pass once more."
Ash had a brother, what a strange thing to consider. Did Ash even know about this or did he even care? He probably had quite a few brothers now that he thought about it. He might have even had a few sisters as well. It was such a strange thing to take away from the conversation, but he did. All the same…there was one thing he needed to know. "...Do you regret it?"
"I regret it failed." Gwynevere didn't even hesitate in the answer "If it had not, I could have at least seen my son off with confidence in the knowledge that he had served the purpose I birthed him for. As it stands…his failure is my failure. I took great care to ensure his focus was on the Flame and to ignore all else. To fail in such a way meant that everything I groomed him to be amounted to nothing…an effort of futility that wounded all involved."
…
He figured she would say that. But it still hurt for her to speak it out loud, maybe it was because he knew Ash personally. But he didn't have the same sort of experience as all of them so there was no way of knowing who was right or wrong here. It sounded horrible what Ash was talking about, but Gwynevere was talking about the fate of her world that was riding on this sacrifice.
He didn't want to ever be put in that position where he was deciding who got to live and die for the greater good. That was the sort of power that he didn't want because who the hell was he to even be deciding that?
"Perhaps…No, I know that my actions will seem cold to you." Gwynevere continued on, breaking him from his train of thought. "But I wish only to make things clear to you. This is no defence of my actions, nor is it an admission of guilt. I did what I believed to be right in the moment, taking the only choice that lay before me for the good of our world. Anything less would be to insult everything that we had fought to achieve. All those who died to create the Age of Fire…how could I not use everything at my disposal to keep its legacy alight?"
Raising his hand to her, Ritsuka closed his eyes and let out a short breath "I…I can only go by what I know. I have Ash telling me how bad the world is and how happy he is the flame is gone…and I have you telling me how good the world was and how the flame was great and everything…" he let the words hang in the air for a few moments before continuing on. "I wasn't there. I don't know what you all know…but I think we can both agree that Ash wasn't brought up right…and he's really suffering for it now."
He was silent for a moment, then grit his teeth. "No. He was brought up horribly. I'm not going to lampshade it. You brought him up to kill himself, you made him believe that killing himself was the only reason he should exist." he cast a look from the corner of his eye. Whatever else was going on, that couldn't be denied.
Ash's dependence on duty made so much sense now and Ritsuka was sick to his stomach. Even if she talked about how right that was or how much was at stake, that was just something he couldn't accept. Goddess or human, he couldn't accept a mother doing that to her own son for the sake of the world.
What the hell kind of world demands you to talk your own children into suicide?
"He suffered because of you and now-"
"Now we are all going to suffer for it." The Goddess finished with a nod of the head "It is the mistakes we hold so close to our hearts that give us the deepest wounds. Ash is not my first misstep and it is unlikely he will be my last. All that can be done is for us to correct them before they consume everything else we hold dear. A responsibility as the one who created him…and the one who called to him."
Ritsuka supposed she was right about that, he was Ash's Master. It was his responsibility, even if he broke the link. Ritsuka couldn't help but think of Ash as his Servant, so it was his job to make this right. Somehow, anyway.
"...I suppose that's all we really can do at the end of the day. Our very best for everyone." His best for Ash. Maybe he was letting his feelings blind him but hearing all of that, knowing what Ash was brought up to do. He couldn't bring himself to really blame Ash all that much. He was never educated, never lived as a normal human being. Everything he did - everything he was - depended upon the belief that doing your duty made you valuable.
Because that was how he was raised.
…Which brought to him the question, was Ash doing this because of his duty or because he actually wanted to?
Gwynevere's smile was rather small, but it looked genuine enough to him. "Achieving the best should always be the goal of every action you take. If not, then it is an insult to yourself as much as all others around you." The smile faded, but the warmth remained. "Rest assured, I shall not run from him when we meet once more. He is my responsibility…and I can at least correct my failures."
He supposed they both had a duty to that…even thinking on duty now was a weird thing for him to consider. Though Ritsuka nodded his head to Gwynevere, he couldn't help but feel as though he had been drawn into a situation that he had no place in. Family matters and all that came with them but…no. No, this wasn't the time to think about something like that. He had a place in setting things right, if not just for the sake of Ash than for the sake of everyone else.
Though quite how he was supposed to set things right was a little…
…He doubted words would be enough-
"Hey, Master?" He turned to the voice, Nobunaga approaching him from behind with her arm raised and a thoughtful look on her face. "You got a moment, I need to talk with you about something." she sent a pointed look towards Gwynevere, Ritsuka figured as though she wanted this to be some sort of private discussion.
Gwynevere hummed "You do not need to dance around the subject, I remain an outsider. This is a matter for Ash and those he was travelling with, I doubt my status in relation to him would afford much leeway." nodded her head slightly, she slowed her pace to a halt and allowed the Archer to pass her, maintaining her cool smile as she did so. "I can grant you privacy in conversations I have no business in."
Ritsuka was at least grateful to that, even if she said half the things she had it was still sort of her fault that Ash was in the situation he was actually in. Accident or no, it couldn't be denied that the way Ash was raised probably led to this situation. Especially since he was apparently raised to be hyper focused on duty and all that. He watched Nobunaga's eyes track the moments of the Goddess as she moved past, then they flickered back to him and she picked up the pace just to catch up with him.
When she was close enough, she fell into step with him and dropped her voice into a low whisper. "So, that's his mother then? She sets off all sorts of alarms inside my head, just letting you know."
"I'd be more surprised if she didn't." He exhaled, shaking his head from side to side and feeling a curious look from the Servant. "I've had several other people who knew her say the exact same thing. I mean…I'm being told that she has this ability to look appealing regardless of who you are so there's that little cynical part of me that thinks she might be doing something like that when I think she sounds reasonable…but I'm also being told she was actually a good kingdom builder or something."
Nobunaga hummed in affirmation "The two are not disjointed. You've got to have some sort of charisma to band people together. Looks sure as heck aren't enough to string people along for the long hall. She's a Goddess and all, they normally have some unearthly wisdom to them…" she trailed off, her lip curling "Half the reason they should stay out of human business and all."
Ritsuka raised an eyebrow at her "Suppose someone who goes by the name 'Demon King' would probably dislike the Gods, eh?" he joked with a wry smile, drawing a twitch of the lip from said Demon King. Nobunaga returned his amused look with one of her own. It was a rather stupid thing for him to find funny but any good humour he could get at the moment was welcome.
"Hehehe…Yeah, that can't be helped." She reached up, rubbing her chin before lowering her hand and frowning "...Queen, huh? You know he was talking about her before you came." Ritsuka didn't even need to guess what she was referring to. Especially give the her face shifted into something more strained, like she had tasted something foul. "Said he was losing himself. Hearing this voice in his head and all that, messing him up from the inside." red eyes narrowed. "...It ain't right watching a man get reduced to that by something he can't fight. Was half expecting him to try killing himself just to save face."
Killing himself?
Ritsuka blanked at the remark for a few moments before he let out a short breath. "I'd rather not think about that right now…" Just the thought that Ash would get desperate enough to be rid of Gwynevere's voice that he would kill himself was just…he didn't want to think about it and was now put more on edge than ever. It further compounded his own guilt, Ash was going through something that rough and he'd…
He closed his eyes and exhaled. No sense in focusing on what he could have done at the time, all that remained was focusing on what had to be done next.
"He hesitated, you know?"
"Huh?" Opening his eyes, then snapped towards the Archer. Her words bounced around inside his head for a few moments before he furrowed his brows at her. He was sure he had heard her correctly but he needed to be sure. "Ash did?"
Nobunaga nodded "Yeah, weird. Had me dead to rights with that glowing sword of his and he just…froze up. Just stared at me for a good second or so." she raised a finger "Which, for a human, probably ain't all that long. For a Servant? That's a good long while. Lot can change in a second so…I just thought it was strange that someone so desperate to kill us didn't really go all out."
That…that was actually some good news.
If Ash hesitated to attack Nobunaga then it meant that some part of him was still set against the duty. More than that, he had actually explained what he was going to do rather than immediately kill them. Wetting his lips, he glanced at Archer "Ash…he actually wanted us to know what he was about to do. Which…Ash isn't one to waste time."
Nobunaga thinned her lips "If you say so. I was just coming over here to give you some advice." pointing to herself, she gave a strained smile. "I have a fair bit of experience in dealing with retainers who wanted to betray and kill me. One of them actually more or less succeeded in that part." lowering the arm, her features turned hard. "Just saying, you should probably prepare yourself for disappointment if you're banking on words. Because sometimes, the only choice is to kill them."
"...I can't do that."
"Yeah, I figure you like the guy." She gestured to herself "Heck, I think he can be pretty decent as well, the whole 'murdering us' aside." her fingers grabbed at the black fur cloak over her shoulders. "He even gave this warm cape thing for the cold."
Ritsuka shook his head "No, that's…I can't kill Ash because if I do then he-" something else caught in his throat as he realised what Nobunaga had just said. He stopped walking and slowly turned his body towards her, focusing down on the black furry cape that was draped around her shoulders. "...Ash gave that to you?"
"Yeah. To keep me warm, why?"
"...And did it come from his Bottomless Box?"
"Yeah." Nobunaga nodded her head.
"...The one that is his Noble Phantasm…so he knows where everything inside it goes?"
"Yeah." Another nod of the head, then her expression dropped and her skin paled as the pair of them slowly lowered their eyes onto the black cloak again. It felt as though the world had gone silent around them. "...Oh shit."
Nobunaga's hands flew to the cloak, hastily ripping it off herself before turning and hurling it away with as much power as she could. The fabric flying through the air with a great deal of force before it smashed through the window of a nearby house, the pitter patter of falling shards of glass were almost like gunshots through the street, neither himself nor Nobunaga said anything as they both gazed at the shattered window.
Eventually, the Demon King spoke in a slow tone of voice "...Think we're safe?"
Naturally, a house several buildings down exploded seconds later. Ritsuka whirled his head onto the direction of the noise, watching as the building was torn up from the foundations upwards, fragments of everything were sent hurtling into the sky all coated in black fire, raining down onto the street once more as the inferno continued to burn.
The distinct figure of Ash marched out into the centre of the street from the wreckage of the bonfire, sword still set alight in his hand and keeping his pace consistent. His every stride was full of purpose as his head locked onto them - Ritsuka could feel the eyes of Ash on him even through all the distance between the two of them - and then turned and started marching towards them.
"You got further than I thought you would have." Ash's voice didn't contain a hint of emotion, he hadn't heard the Saber sound so apathetic before. "But this is as far as your journey goes, Ritsuka." his feet fell to a halt, standing a good twenty metres from them. "But you need not struggle so violently. I don't wish to extract pain from this encounter, if you will just offer up your head-"
"No." He didn't even need to debate that in his mind, whatever else was going on. Whatever Ash was struggling with. This wasn't a choice Ritsuka felt as though he would ever make. "Because I can't give up my life that easily, Ash. I've got duties of my own to perform."
Ash said not a single word for a moment, then he nodded his head up and down "Mistaken they might be. I can, at least, offer begrudging respect for that duty of yours." he exhaled "That's what makes it all the more tragic, to see you put so much effort into a goal that is wrong-"
"Whether it's right or wrong isn't up for me to decide." Ritsuka cut him off once again, walking forwards as he continued to speak, passing all the other Servants and focusing solely on Ash.
He made it as far as Mash before she raised an arm, blocking him from moving any further and stepping before him with her shield raised. "I'm not some great leader or some all knowing King. Nor am I some great scholar or whatever else. I'm just some guy." chuckling his words, he shook his head "That's all I am…some guy who just…wants to live. I don't know anything about trying to value human history or not. Sure, there's bad and there's good but it is what it is…and I wouldn't have it any other way."
"...A shame." Ash slowly raised his sword "Then we shall end this the only way that it can end. Once more, you show your strength of mind to stay this path." the flames on the blade intensified. "If it were focused on something else…but we are not here to debate this."
"I just don't get it." Ritsuka finally let it slip, pointing to himself "I really don't. After all we went through…are you really going to try and do this? Everything we did around Chaldea, all the people we saved and the era's we restored…did it all mean nothing to you?"
Ash's body shuddered for a split second. "...I can't…"
Ritsuka blinked "...Huh?"
"...I can't do it, Ritsuka!" Ash snapped at him, dropping the sword and pointing to himself with a snarl in his words. "I fought with all my soul. Dedicated my second life to undoing my mistake! To serve my penance for failing to light the flame or for trying to light it, I do not know which! I just knew deep inside me that I couldn't turn a blind eye to how humanity suffered in my world!"
Ritsuka stepped back at the emotion that claimed the Saber's voice an audible tremble as his words grew louder and louder. "So I dedicated myself to it, dying again and again for that aim - that duty - to end the suffering of man! Even if salvation was imperfect, I still fought so that no others would suffer in that world ever again!"
Ash spread his arms wide, the flames snuffing out on his sword. "They would not suffer! I granted the only mercy I could!" dropping his arms, he heaved "I saw your world as a paradise when I arrived." There was real grief in his voice, and true regret. "A land without the curse but the same elements remain. I can see the grasp of everything wrong, the abandonment of duty!"
"Humanity still suffers!" He pointed straight down to the ground, punctuating each syllable with a flex of magical energy that shook the air around him, humming like the calm before the storm.
"They still agonise and writhe in pain and no one does anything to help them! And you would propagate this!? This isn't the type of future I would fight for!" He let out a shuddering breath, lowering his arm once again. "...But this is what humanity is without the Gods and the Flame. This is what I fought for…That is your history and It is unspeakably ugly to me."
Ritsuka opened his mouth, but someone else cut him to it first.
"So piss off then!" Mordred snapped from somewhere behind him "If it looks so bad then just leave!"
Ash bristled "Unlike some I do not just abandon my oaths." There was derision in his words as he aimed them at the knight. "But you don't understand…this is how I am. It is what I am. What I have to be."
Ritsuka called out "You don't! There's nothing forcing you-"
"Remember your purpose. For that is what makes you treasured. As long as you hold that duty true. As long as you hold it tight to even your soul. Your life will be one of meaning." Ash cut him off, reciting words as though reading from a script. He furrowed his brows at the sentences, they all sounded…rather horrible. "The words that define me. Regardless of if it is Gwynevere's or my own…duty is what makes me valuable. It is what I am for. I can't abandon it now."
Ritsuka slumped "...You really can't let it go, can you?"
"I don't expect you to understand…" Ash shook his head from side to side "I don't want you to understand either. It is just what I am like and I cannot change that now. You cannot change that…I can just live by the duty that has kept me strong thus far. It is telling me to end you before you can bring ruin to yourselves."
"So speaks the weapon of the Gods, who views himself as naught but a tool of them." Gilgamesh spoke from behind. "Yet even as he brandishes his hatred of them for all to see, he still clings to their ways for they are all he knows…I see." Ritsuka did not turn, but he heard the King exhale. "You know your way of life is a mistake but you cannot abandon it for it is all that keeps you sane. That is a rather ugly existence you lead."
Ash didn't reply for a moment, then he spoke up. "My adherence to duty is born of the Gods. So is its zealotry. That I will not deny…but my care for humanity is my own. This is not me acting on the behest of another…it is my own mission. My own purpose to keep humanity safe."
"If that's what you call it then nothing I say is going to change your mind. But you're now aware of your own foundation. What can you save if not even yourself?" Gilgamesh asked with an audible frown.
"That would imply I ever once cared for myself. I am unkindled, failure to link the fire at the will of the Gods…and now a failure to even understand the people I seek to save." Ash let out a long breath, turning his head up and staring to the sky. "I don't understand anything. I never understood anything. All I know is that Human History…what you all do to yourselves is something I cannot approve of. It is not something I would condone…but my own way of life is born of the Gods I despise."
He lowered his head "...So that is what it is. If your way of life is so good, if you truly believe it is so worthy of existence…then prove it."
"Prove it?" Ritsuka furrowed his brows "What do you-"
"I believe in my duty, that a life should have a purpose to truly have value. This is not something shared in human history." Ash's arm gestured from himself towards Ritsuka "You do not share that belief, humanity does not as a whole. We cannot both be correct, which means one of us is wrong. So…prove you are correct."
"How-"
"Senpai!" Mash raised her shield, ducking in front of him and blocking the stream of light that hit the surface of the defence. The blast bucked Mash back into him, Ritsuka brought up his arms and placed them on the back of the Shielder, feeling his legs drag through the snow as the force shoved both himself and Mash backwards for a good few feet.
He looked past to see Ash with his sword pointed forwards, platinum light dimming from the weapon. "I could enforce my will because I was the only one to remain. Because I was the only one strong enough to do so. If my methods allowed me to endure to the very ends of the world, they have stood the test of time. They must be correct."
Ash turned the sword to the side "But now you face the same trial. If you can defeat me, then your own methods can endure the end of the world as well. Which would make you right."
Ritsuka opened his mouth to say something, he didn't know what he was actually going to say but he knew that he didn't agree with a single word Ash had said just now. Deciding who was right or wrong based on something like that was just insane. It was like saying that having the loudest voice in the room was correct. Hell, it was like saying Solomon had the right to it because he incinerated humanity. It would be like Mash suddenly being correct in everything she said because she could beat him in an arm wrestle.
It relied solely on brute strength and nothing else. The logic was so simple that he couldn't even make sense of it.
He never got the chance to speak, a hand placed itself atop his shoulder and he watched Ash tense in front of him. His movements went stiff and his helmet switched its focus from Ritsuka onto whomever was currently standing behind him. Though, he could feel that soothing presence once more, some unexplainable sense of warmth.
Gwynevere whispered to him. "You have said your piece, Ritsuka. Allow me the chance to say mine. For it is the very least I shall be capable of doing." he closed his mouth, glancing at her from the corner of his eye as she released his shoulder and walked past him. She did not even show the slightest ounce of hesitation as she strode towards the Saber.
He watched as Gwynevere drew closer to him, he'd seen her move behind Ritsuka but he hadn't expected this course of action. The whispers in his mind got stronger, the desire to obey her in all things. The desire to lower the sword - the burning from even pointing at her - was faint enough. He knew if she drew closer, it would get worse.
Ash raised his sword, pointing it squarely towards her but didn't do anything more. He physically found it as though he couldn't. "That's close enough, Mother." he spat the word out with enough venom to make it apparent that he really didn't mean what he was saying.
Gwynevere did obey the instruction, something which surprised him if only a little. She came to a halt and stared right at him. "I am rather surprised that you even called me that. It was hardly as though I was something of a parent to you." There was a brief silence before the Goddess let out a short breath. "Nor did I ever intend to be, that I shall admit."
"It is what you are though." Ash replied in a cold tone. "You are my mother, regardless of whether you or I like it. Everything I am…it all stems from you." Everything he ever sought to achieve, everything that had guided his actions. They all came from the upbringing she dealt out to him. All of it, that adherence to duty…that belief that without it, life was worthless.
It forced his hand even now.
She nodded her head up and down, at the very least showing she did not deny the accusations against her. "You are correct. All I did to you was to make you into what you are now." Her right hand moved with deliberate slowness, gesturing towards him while her face softened. "I can even tell what you think as of this moment…You cannot harm me, can you?"
He stilled.
"You cannot harm me because you still seek to win my approval. As I raised you to do." The hand returned "All else is of no consequence. My words are your duty and that is your purpose, that purpose is your value. Those are the words I would speak to you…every single night. I would watch as they granted you the strength to push through all trials before you, to stand even when sporting such terrible injuries…"
Her lips pursed "...I was wrong."
Ash felt himself visibly jolting at her words, it was difficult for him to tell if she actually said them or if he imagined it. The silence hung in the air for what felt like an eternity, the casual acceptance of her own role was just…he had expected more of an argument from her was all. He had expected her to declare him a fool or to soundly reject his reasoning, perhaps brand him a failure as well for his role in being unable to link the flame.
…He didn't expect this.
Nor did he feel the pull as before, the presence that had commanded him faded away into nothing. When he looked to Gwynevere now he could no longer see the infallible object that demanded every ounce of attention in his body. He blinked, closing his eyes for several seconds and waiting for the urge to open them again, the pain that would wrack his body as he turned away from the shining star.
…Nothing. He felt nothing as he peered into the blackness of his closed eyes, gradually opening them back up. "...What…what did-?"
"I have mastery over my own beauty." Gwynevere informed him with a shake of the head and a gentle smile, yet that was all it was. A mere smile, there was no profound compulsion to it. He felt nothing but surprise and shock at her, the same feelings of disgust he always felt remained, there was no dissenting voice.
He…he was free…
"I will not have you heed my words under threat of control." The Goddess continued her explanation, shaking her head from side to side. "And I shall not have you speak as though the words are forced from your throat. I have no interest in your words as the tool I created you to be…but as the person you have grown into."
Her arms slowly spread wide "I only ask for but a moment of your time, if you wish to continue this battle - to slay your own friends - then that is your own choice. I will not force your hand, not this time. Ash."
His sword arm lowered "...You called me Ash."
Gwynevere raised an eyebrow at him, looking confused "Does that strike you as odd? It is your name. The name that you have chosen for yourself. I will not force you to return to your old ways. If what you wish for is your own self, free of me, if that will finally give you true peace…then that is what I shall aid you in." the confusion faded into resolve. "Even if that shall come at my own departure from your life-"
He raised his left hand, though he did not feel the burn of pyromancy, he just wished her to stop speaking. "You…stop just…" Slowly clenching the hand into a fist, he pointed his index finger to himself "I am…what you made me. This adherence to duty-"
"Is what I made you to be. All for the sake of the Flame, everything I created you for, trained you for…it was all for the flame." Her expression now full of sorrow. "And it failed. All my efforts to groom you for your role were met with failure. An effort that was so wasteful that not even your body survived the ordeal. What I turned you into…was a mistake."
…What could he even say?
His right arm lowered, the tip of his sword pointed to the ground as he felt his emotions shift beneath him. He…there was nothing to describe what he felt. No words that he could string together, there was no end to his own confusion at his predicament. Everything he had done was for the sake of duty. His life that now…now was called a mistake by the very one who created him.
They admitted they were wrong.
"It is no lie to say that Gawyn is the shame of my years." Gwynevere started moving again, closing in on him. He very nearly brought his sword up were it not for the fact he could feel no pull. The desire to kill her then and there was still at the forefront of his mind, it was not being affected. She…she wasn't even trying to save her life or make excuses for herself. She was…she was confessing? "The failures that he suffered, they are a fault of my own design. These failures should not haunt our steps further."
He looked her up and down, taking a halt step backwards and tightening his hold on his sword. "It…it is far too late for that. You made me to never reject that duty-"
Gwynevere nodded her head, closing her eyes and letting acceptance drift onto her face. "I know. You cannot release that duty because my hold is perfect. Whether or not I exert my authority over you, that shall never change. I set my mind to this goal so that you would never lose faith in your duty." her eyes opened up, showing…there was such shame in those eyes. "And look what it is forcing your hand to do now. Look where you point your blade…those who have such trust in you. Trust that no duty can ever match."
He shook his head from side to side "No. No…I can't…I can't let them suffer like that. They…they don't-"
"I know." Her voice was so soft now, but it was not enthralling. "They do not live as you wish them to live. But there is no need for that to come to bloodshed. You care for them so much, do you truly wish to see them gone?"
He didn't…he didn't want to see them gone. But he wasn't doing this because he wanted them gone, he was doing this for their own good. Because he didn't want them to end up…he didn't want this world to end up like his old one. A wasteland, where ambition and greed had turned the world into nothing more than a husk. The end result of vices.
Apparently she didn't need to hear him speak to know the answer. "You don't. I know you don't. This duty of yours, what is it?"
"...To end the suffering of man."
"Then why must you kill them?" Her voice was only a touch admonishing "Why must they die for this if your duty is to protect them? There is no need for such things…no need for you to bring such ruin to them."
Because it was the only way. Humanity would not change their path, he had seen more die than he ever dared to believe possible. He had beheld more suffering and death than he ever wanted to do so. Solomon had shown him thousands of years of where greed and desire had led humanity, how many lay dead at the base of the world? This planet's history was built on the foundations of a billion needless corpses. How could he protect something like this? How could he ignore it?
"I'm stopping them from bringing ruin." He defended, finding his ground rather easily. "They will bring ruin upon themselves if I let them continue. That is all that stands before them now…I cannot let them do it. I won't…not like this."
Gwynevere exhaled "You are letting your duty guide you. No…you are letting it control you, becoming a vessel for this obsession of yours. I never raised you to understand the motives of humanity, what drives them…" melancholy filled her face. "So you cannot understand why they would follow these vices. That…" she trailed off, her words filled with hesitation before she finished them. "...That is my sin."
When she extended her hand towards his head, he watched it move towards him but did nothing. He was confident he could remove her arm with but a single thought. She was nothing like Faraam, her skill lay in her words and she had disarmed herself. Her hand rested upon the side of his helmet slowly moving down to the straps underneath. He allowed her to unclip them, feeling the pull of the helmet being removed from him and his features exposed to the world.
She stared into his features "You could not be more different from Gawyn, even if you share his face." she took a single step to the side, exposing the view of Chaldea to him. The assembled faces stared right back at him, mixed with some degree of surprise from some and strained expressions from the others. "Gawyn was made to shoulder this duty alone but you…look at all those who gather alongside you for the same goal. If their vices are so wrong…why was it you found yourself alone at the end?"
…Because they died. They all died. Greirat died for his vices, Siegward died for his duty, Anri, Horace, Gael, Sirris, Eygon, Hawkwood…all gone.
"You share Gawyn's face…you should not share his faults." Gwynevere's voice sounded so distant now. "Let him finally have his rest, put this behind you. You seek to protect the world of man? Then do so…but it should not be protection from life itself." he felt her hand touch his cheek, turning his head towards her. "Let me set things right. Let me put to rest the shame of Gawyn once and for all."
…
"I…"
"Do you truly wish to see Ritsuka dead at your feet?"
…No. He didn't…but how could he go back after all he knew?
"My duty is all I have."
"I know." Gwynevere's hold became just firm enough that she could pull on his chin, turning his head to face her and bringing it up, now finding himself staring into her eyes. "Let me make right this shame to all Lordkin and the Flame itself. Let me end this adherence to duty that forces your hand."
"...How?"
She smiled at him, moving her other hand to cup his right cheek and holding his head in place.
Her eyes flashed golden.
Her beauty filled his mind.
"Drop your sword."
The weapon slipped from his hand, panic filled his mind in a split second.
Then his body burned with pain.