It was still dark outside when the alarms started going off.
"WARNING! WARNING! INFECTION DETECTED! INFECTION DETECTED!" the AI system blared. The alarms grew louder, red lights flashing. A forcefield formed around the Smith house.
"INFECTION DETECTED! INFECTION DETECTED!" the garage AI repeated.
"Christ, I heard you the first 10 times. Sh-shut up already. You're gonna wake up the whole house before I can figure out what's going on." a semi-awake Rick groaned, punching a button. The alarms and flashing lights continued, but at least the robotic yelling of "INFECTION DETECTED!" stopped.
"I wouldn't be doing a very good job of warning the family about the danger they're in if I whispered and let them sleep in until noon, now would I?" the AI pointed out.
"Potential danger! This could be an emergency, or it could be nothing! I never finished setting up this protocol, so I have to figure it out manually. There's a 50% chance you've caused a panic over a bug that got into the house carrying some bacteria on its antennas that's only harmful to one species of insect. And maybe the unfortunate spider that decides to make a meal out of it. *Cough!* Rick argued, fumbling around under the workbench he'd fallen asleep at.
"I suppose. But wouldn't that mean there's also a 50% chance this is an actual emergency? One with potentially devastating consequences if this virus or bacteria manages to escape the quarantine forcefield?"
Rick, having found what he was looking for – a small, orange-red cube that was pulsating and flashing in unison with the alarms – stared at the ceiling dumbfounded for a few seconds. Shaking his head in an attempt to clear it, he stammered, "J-Jesus, you d-don't have to jump straight to the worst possible scenario! At least not until there's evidence pointing to that being likely. There's, there's endless possibilities between a false alarm and a doomsday virus!"
Fiddling with the cube until a keyboard and five smaller cubes popped out of it, he paused, then continued, "Yes, I know I started the whole th-thing with the percentages and the likelihood of whatever this is being nothing versus the likelihood of it being a crisis. J-just nevermind that, okay? For the record, since I don't hear screams of agony coming from the rest of the family, and I'm not *Urp!* oozing bodily fluids from any orifices, I'd wager we're dealing with a low to moderate risk organism. *Cough!* * Cough!* Now, can you please kill the lightshow so I can identify it and figure out an appropriate course of action?"
"Very well. Entire household has been alerted to potential danger. All are currently approaching. Alarms off. Quarantine forcefield will remain in place until threat level can be further assessed." the AI relented. True to her word, the blaring alarms and flashing lights stopped, but the glowing red dome surrounding the house stayed up.
"Fucking finally. Remind me to decrease the volume on that alarm by at least 30% and maybe dim the lights between 15-22% when I finish setting up this damn protocol. Ugh. Right now, I have to complete the analysis manually, and you're gonna buy me time to do that before anyone else gets in here. Computer, activate *COUGH!* Maze Delay, Level 2." Rick instructed, pinching the bridge of his nose with one hand and pressing a series of commands on the keyboard with the other.
"The maze? Really? You do know that if I had eyes, I would be rolling them at you sooo hard right now?" the garage scoffed.
"Look, even I think the maze is a cliché, hack move. Not my proudest work, not by a l-longshot. But I needed a non-lethal deterrent for times like this, and Beth made me deactivate the Floor is Lava setup. It's called a compromise, okay?! Just put the goddamn maze up!" Rick griped, continuing to press seemingly random commands on the keyboard in front of him. The flashing red X's on the screen showed that he'd entered the wrong sequence. Again.
"Fine. Activating Maze Delay, Level 2. This should keep the family from entering the garage for between 2 and 10 minutes." the AI informed Rick.
"That *SNIFF!* fast?! Last time it took 3 hours! Oh, right. Nobody was home except Jerry and that raccoon that got in the attic. Jerry just kept walking in circles, 'til he started following the raccoon and got here a few minutes later." Rick muttered, adding, "Doesn't matter. I only need 1 minute, tops. If I can just get past this step…"
"PASSWORD INCORRECT! One more attempt before lockout." the holographic computer screen in front of him announced. It was now flashing 4 bright red Xs, one for each incorrect sequence Rick had tried to input. Another alarm started going off.
"Seriously?! Why the fuck did I make every part of this system so flashy and loud? Uggghhh, my head. Why can't I concentrate on *AHCHOO!* this enough to get to the next part? I know I purposely made this as uncomplicated as possible in case I had to operate it while I was… Shit." Rick complained, the realization hitting him like a ton of bricks.
Meanwhile, the rest of the family was trying to get to the garage. The walls and floors moving and shifting as they transformed into a maze were proving to be a challenge, or at least a nuisance.
"Okay, s-so this corridor here where the living room was is the fastest way there, right? We make a right turn here?" Morty asked.
"Uh-uh. Left turn. But wait 'til that wall goes back another 3 feet. 2… 1… now!" Summer instructed, pushing her little brother forward. Beth and Jerry followed closely behind.
"I know I'm going to regret asking this, but what would have happened if we took the wrong turn there, and would I still have a mouth to ask that question?" Jerry asked, tightening his hold on the golf club he was carrying.
"It's only the Level 2 maze, Dad. If it were the Level 3, well, I don't think you can die in it, but it's pretty easy to lose a limb. The worst that can happen in this one is you end up on the roof or stuck in the plumbing. B-t-w, if you don't want to take a trip to toilet town, jump over that step that just came through the floor, look up at the ceiling for exactly 5 seconds, and make a sharp right turn now." Summer replied. Everyone followed her instructions, Beth pulling Jerry along.
"Jerry, why do you have a golf club?" Beth asked.
"Because I got woken up at 4:00 A.M. by a very loud alarm and figured it was an intruder. I'm preparing to protect my family." Jerry explained, proudly raising the club.
"Dad, did you not also hear the part about it detecting some kind of infection? What, were you planning to putt some space germs out of the house with that?" Summer scoffed.
"Well, it's more than any of you brought, isn't it?"
Back in the garage, Rick finally entered the correct sequence into the computer.
"Initializing health analysis, Stage 1. Searching for infected individual." it droned. Four of the smaller cubes floated off to find the rest of the family, while the fifth hovered above Rick's head.
"Okay, we're on the ceiling, and now there's ominous floating cubes. The sun isn't even up, and there's ominous floating cubes. Beth, can't you talk to your dad about sci-fi shenanigans only occurring during more reasonable hours? No turning the house into a shape-shifting maze before 9:00 A.M. sounds like a good place to start." Jerry complained as the cubes approached. Each floated over to a different family member (all of whom were, in fact, floating upside down in midair near the ceiling).
"Now Jerry, this could be an emergency. My father can't control when those happen." Before Beth could say anything else, the four cubes simultaneously (and loudly) went off.
"Analyzing subject: Beth Smith!"
"Analyzing subject: Summer Smith!"
"Analyzing subject: Morty Smith!"
"Analyzing subject: Jerry Smith!"
"That being said, if this isn't an emergency, yeah. 100% agree. This bullshit needs to be contained to normal business hours." Beth continued, shouting to be heard over the loud, flashing cubes.
"How do we get down from here, Summer? I think something's really wrong, and we need to get to Rick." Morty asked, starting to worry.
"So you admit you don't know the downstairs maze as well as you thought, and you should have listened when I said to take 1 step forward and 2 steps back?" Summer prodded.
"Analyzing subject: Rick Sanchez!" the fifth cube boomed.
"Yes! Yes! I thought you were just saying r-random shit from some 1980's pop song to be sarcastic, but of course Rick programmed nonsense like that into the stupid maze. I should've stayed in my lane – I helped Rick with the upstairs part, he and Mom made those stairs that lead nowhere, or to m-more stairs, or wherever the fuck those go, and you helped build the downstairs maze. I shouldn't have second guessed you. Now get us down!" Morty stammered. Just then, the cubes sounded off in unison again.
"Analysis complete. Subject: Summer Smith. Status: Normal."
"Analysis complete: Subject: Morty Smith. Status: Normal."
"Analysis complete: Subject: Beth Smith. Status: Normal."
"Analysis complete: Subject: Jerry Smith. Status: Normal, just stupid."
"Really? Even in the middle of an impromptu weird flashing cube exam, Rick still has to insult me?" Jerry sighed as the cubes hovered back to the garage.
"Analysis complete. Subject: Rick Sanchez. Status: INFECTED! INFECTED! INFECTED!" the fifth cube announced, setting off a new alarm.
"Yeah, big *COUGH!* *COUGH!* shocking reveal right there. Nobody could've seen that one coming. *Sniff!* Now to find out what I'm dealing with." Rick grumbled, grabbing the flashing, blaring cube. A small needle popped out to draw a few drops of blood from his finger.
"Beginning analysis Stage 2: Identifying infection type." the AI stated.
"Oh shit. Yeah, we need to get down stat. Mom, you kick the ceiling exactly 1 foot and 5 inches to your left. Morty, you move 4 and a half inches closer to me, close your eyes and back up 1 step. Dad… think soft thoughts and hang onto your golf club, I guess." Summer instructed.
"Infection type: Viral. Virus origin: Earth"
"Really? Well, that *ACHOO!* narrows it down, at least."
"Contagion level is high, but risk posed by infection is low. Beginning final virus identification now."
"Summer, could, could you just disarm the entire maze this whole time?!" Morty asked as they got closer to the garage. Summer nodded.
"And you didn't do that from the start why?!"
"Because, dumbass, Grandpa Rick clearly wants to keep us out for a while, and I'm trying to respect that. Plus, he was super drunk when he gave me that code and the one to turn the Level 2 maze into the Level 3, so he wasn't sure which was which." Summer explained.
"Yeah, that checks out." Morty sighed, at the same time Beth said, "Makes sense."
"Really? What part of any of this makes sense?!" Jerry asked, staring at Beth.
"Okay, okay. It is a little much. Let's deal with whatever the hell is causing these alarms, and once that's over I'll talk to my dad about toning down the maze." she conceded.
"Analysis complete. Infection identified. Displaying test results now." the AI system said. A detailed analysis of its test results appeared on the computer screen in front of Rick.
"WHAT?! Seriously?! You've got to be fucking kidding me! This?! *Cough!* Fucking this?! I don't have time for this kind of bullshit!" he complained, punching the workbench in frustration.
"Infection identified as: a common strain of rhi-" the computer began.
"Stop! It's *COUGH!* right there in front of me. You don't need to say it out loud. Now stop the alarms and take down the *Sniff!* forcefield. That is clearly overkill for just…" Rick snapped, the last part of what he was trying to say getting cut off by a series of loud coughs.
"Fine. Ending quarantine protocol. Forcefield is down and all alarms are off. Maze has been disabled. Family incoming in 3, 2…"