36
A broken promise
This is our first real fight. And it's probably the biggest one since we've known each other. I've never walked away from Aontakarn before. Most of the time, I will go to her and try to make up with her because I don't want the sweet-faced woman to lose her confidence or be in pain for too long.
It doesn't matter whether I'm right or wrong; I was always the one who tried to reconcile with her... It has always been that way.
But this time, it's different. It's as if what Aontakam did was too much for me to take. It's as if our relationship is not as important as her dream, and the female announcer is ready to cut me loose to pave her way in the entertainment industry.
Do I have a too negative view of the world...
I can still remember the petite woman's hug this afternoon. It's full of agony. She begged for me to empathize. Honestly, I was soft. But a part of me knows that it's wrong. I want Aontakarn to do what's right. I never wanted to get in the way of her dream. But like I said, having me in her life complicates things for her.
So, it's better to not have me...
I'm at home and am locking myself in my room to sob like I've never done before. Since I got my new eyes, I've taken very good care of them. I don't want to waste time not seeing the world again. So this is 'the first time' that I hurt my new eyes by wetting them for over three hours.
I couldn't stop crying.
Bang Bang!
"Chris, open the door and let me in. Chris!" Puth is yelling outside my door. I want to scream and tell him to stop yelling. But that's that. My voice is too shaky at this point. I'm not ready to open my mouth and make a voice.
"…"
"Don't close your door and hide yourself like this. Everyone is worried about you. Open the door."
"I want to be alone."
"Let me in."
"Geez!" I scream in frustration and open the door for my brother grumpily, tears flowing down my face. My parents, who are standing behind Puth, sigh when they see my condition. Puth takes this opportunity to push himself into my room and close the door, leaving my parents outside. "Why are you in my room?"
"I'm afraid you will close the door on me. Let's talk."
"Puth, I'm not ready for a talk."
"You've locked yourself up in your room for three days. And after you finally go to the office today, you're back to locking yourself up. You're making everyone in this house anxious... What happened between you and Aontakam?"
I glance at my brother. He must have already known something, but he's still pretending to ask me about it.
"It's as you heard. Everyone at the office likes to butt in, so you must already know what happened."
"It's concerning that guy, A?"
"Yes."
"I have been meaning to talk to you about this for a while now." Puth walks over to my bed and sits down. He goes silent, as if he is trying to figure out how to say it in the least hurtful way possible. "As nature goes, women are meant to be with men, so we can keep humankind going..."
"Just get to the point."
"You should have prepared yourself for this from the start. It couldn't last."
"What are you trying to do? You almost broke down my door to make me cry more?!" I start to cry again. It makes Puth get up and hug me to console me.
But the more I'm consoled, the more I want to be a self-centered kid. I tried to get away and hit him vigorously. "You're here to step on me? You're such an idiot. Sob."
"I just want to be honest with you so you move on quickly. Men and women are meant to be together. Aontakarn is starting to be known now. There will be more and more people approaching her. You're the one who will get hurt, Chris."
1 hug my brother and cry. I understand what he's trying to say to me. I thought about this, but I pushed that thought away because my partner told me that I could trust her. That is, until I heard what she said on the phone that day.
And her admitting to it somewhat today...
"Puth... It hurts so much. Sob."
"I know... I know. If there's anything I can do to lessen your pain, I will."
And things continue in the same pattern. I keep to myself to quietly heal my wound. Believe me, each second is torturous for someone who really misses someone. But I'm lucky that I have my family. I have my brother, who's my cushion when I'm in pain.
As for Aontakarn...
Many times, when I think about this, I pick up my phone with the intention of calling the petite one to ask how she's doing. But another part of me tells me that this is not the right time for that. Maybe we both need space to reconsider things before we try to mend this relationship. If I'm in too much of a hurry, our relationship, which is like a delicate glass with cracks right now, may be shattered and can never be put back together.
In the end, our yearning gets to the point where we cannot bear it any longer. Aontakarn sends me a short message.
Aontakarn : Chris.
That's all it takes for me to immediately pick up the phone and call the sweet-faced woman. My heart races from the first ring to when someone picks up the line. It races when I hear her breath and a husky voice saying, 'Hello.' Just that can make me cry.
"How's it going, Karn?"
[Not good at all. Sob.]
The sobbing voice on the line makes me cover my mouth and sob as well. We really miss each other a lot. I don't know why we wasted so much time being angry with each other.
"Chris is also not doing well at all. Chris misses Korn so much."
[Are you no longer mad at me?]
"If being mad at you means that I will not get to see you, I won't be mad at you."
[This is great. I can't stand missing you anymore. Should I go to you? I really want to see you.]
"That's okay. I'll go to you. Give me twenty minutes."
Since our argument, today is the first day that I've felt any joy in my heart. I wash my face and quickly get dressed. I leave my house with a smile on my face. Even my mother, who's watching TV in the living room, is surprised to see me leaving the house. She sits up straight and looks at me curiously.
"Where are you going?"
"I'll be back. No... don't wait for me. I will go spend the night with a friend!"
I say that merrily and run out to call a taxi. I wait anxiously for one. I'm very excited at the moment. I'm like a young lady on her first date and am afraid that I will be late. Why am 1 this happy? I was like a living dead, lying on my bed less than an hour ago.
Come to think of it, should I get a car...
All my friends at my age already have one. I'm the only one who travels via a hired motorcycle or uses a taxi. Ah... I have to reconsider this so I don't have to wait too long when I want to go see Aontakarn.
I don't have to wait too long for a taxi to pick me up and drop me off at Aontakam's place, after two have turned me down! I look up out the window and admire the view merrily. Locking myself up in my room to dwell on my sorrow was terrible. I am no longer angry with Aontakarn. We will clear things up, hug, roll in bed, and fall back in love.
Life should be that simple.
I estimated that it would take twenty minutes to get there. After I pay the taxi fare, I get out and am about to press the doorbell. But I laugh as I pause and frown.
Since when do I have to ring the doorbell when I get to Aontakarn's place? I can just go in because I have the keys.
When I realize that, I dash to the gate. I'm about to enter the gate when a phone call stops me.
"Meen."
Normally, my friends will send messages rather than calls. So Meen calling me like this means that it's something important. I hesitate a bit about whether I should pick up the call or not because I can't wait to see Aontakam. But it's probably important, so I will spare my friend a bit of my time.
Because its Meen.
"What's up? You are calling me at a bad time."
[Have you seen the news?]
"What news? I haven't watched TV at all these past few days."
[What about the feeds on Facebook? I-lave you opened them at all?]
"What is it? Is it that important?"
[It's about you and Aontakarn. I captured it and sent it to you via LINE. Open it. Now!]
The anxious voice of my friend makes me pull the phone away from my ear with a twisted face. I opened the clip per her request, as it probably won't take up too much of my time. But as soon as I see it, my heart drops to my feet because I remember what this clip is about.
Why... How did Meen get this clip?
Puth said that he deleted it.
As I'm standing there, stunned and numbed because I don't know what to do, the person inside the house opens the door. It's as if she knows that I've been here for a while now. Aontakam does not look good. And when I look into her eyes, I can see rage directed at me.
"Karn."
"Are you happy now?"
"What do you mean?"
"Would you go to such lengths as this to proclaim your ownership of me? Is this what you want? You destroyed me."
Aontakarn throws her mobile phone into my chest. It's so forceful that I can hear a thudding sound. I put my hand on my chest because it hurts as the phone is quite heavy. I understand immediately what she's referring to.
"Calm down. I didn't do it."
"You didn't, but it must be someone close to you. Someone who wants to get back at me for hurting you!" Aontakam pushes me in the chest angrily. I sway from the force of the push, but I continue to try to communicate with her. "Are you happy? You wanted everyone to know about us, so there you go! You did it."
"Kam. I have nothing to do with it. I just found out at the same time you did. Why would I do this?"
"You did it so that I would stop contacting A. You're that jealous of him? You're so afraid that he will steal me from you that you're willing to expose yourself and me to everyone? How can I go on to announce the news? How can I face anyone?"
"It's not that serious. In the clip... my face is clearer than yours."
"But people know that it's me in the clip. They will think that I'm not normal because I like women. It's okay for you because no one knows you. But me! Everyone remembers me. I'm the one in front of the camera. My opportunities are gone before I even step foot into the industry."
Aontakam screams like she's never done before and covers her face with her hands. I drop my jaw because I'm both stunned and shocked at how things turn out.
"I... I'm sorry."
I don't know why I'm apologizing, but I want to lessen her rage and console her. Yet it seems like my apology is worthless.
"What's the point of apologizing? It has already happened. My dream... is over. Everything is gone!"
"Karn."
"People who love each other should support each other. Why is it like this when I'm with you?"
"…"
"I couldn't follow my dream. My heart aches because I have to worry about us fighting. Having you in my life does not make me happy. If being with each other is this bad, why be in love with each other!"
"…"
"We shouldn't have met."
I can feel my heart break. Though I didn't do anything and I know nothing about it, I caused it. I'm the reason it happened, and I'm the end of Aontakam.
Having me in her life traps her. Having me in her life doesn't make it any better. When I realize that, I nod to accept my guilt and smile at her with tears on my face.
"Do what your heart desires, Karn. I know what you want now."
We both go quiet. Aontakam is shocked when I talk about this again. Ah... it's a bit too harsh. I put her in this situation and am forcing her to do what's very difficult to do.
It's okay... Let me be the one who does what's difficult.
I walk towards Aontakarn and cradle the petite ones face, who's standing still as she's still stunned. I thought she would try to shake my hands off, but no. It's as if she's still in shock.
She probably feels guilty for lashing out on me like that... But once the glass is shattered,
you just have to let it be.
"I'm sorry that I can't keep my promise. I know this is too hard for you." I kiss Aontakam on the cheek and say this to her softly for only the two of us to hear. "Let's break up."
"Chris..."
"Our love has come to an end."