(9)-Looking Back Over Life.

Kyle looked out the window at the passing scenery as the train moved on, his arms folded, deep in thought about what his life had been like growing up. He had always been looked at as a nice kid. The creepy, ghoulish, but sweet, caring type boy. And he would like to believe all of that to be true. But honestly...a lot of that could also be due to the fact that he'd never had enough of confidence. He was 18 years old now...and this lack of confidence had given him problems throughout his life so far. It was like his father could sense it. Some parents could be so clueless. When he was a little kid, he suffered a lot. He could distinctly remember when he first began dreading having to go home after school. It was in first grade when he was 5. His older brother, Michael. He was the big brother bully towards Kyle when they were growing up. Both verbally and physically. Michael didn't really care for Kyle that much when they were kids. He always stayed to himself and usually hung out with street gangs or former convicts. Even as a little kid, Kyle felt real sympathy for his brother, even though he was a bully towards him. Again, some parents could be so clueless.

When Kyle was growing up, he suffered a lot at the hands of Michael. He could remember all of the times he was scared to go home after school, knowing Michael would be there alone, waiting for him, since his parents would be at work most of the time. Because Kyle was his Dad's favorite child, he instantly became a target of his brother's violence. Most of the bullying Kyle received from Michael at the age of 3 came in the form of put-downs, such as wishing he had never been born, wishing he would disappear, etc. Then when he was 5, it became both verbal and physical, such as insults, name-calling, pinching, slapping, choking.

It went on and on.

His father always hyped him up, which resulted in Michael being a bully towards him. It always bothered Kyle a bit. He didn't like it when his father hyped him up just to upset his brother. He knew it hurt his feelings. His family life was not as idealic as he, his parents and brother portrayed it to be out in public. Then there was his Mom. She was loving and hard- working. She didn't have a great job and his family struggled at times because of it. But she always got what Michael and he needed, whether it was through working one or two jobs or assistance from the town's folk. People in small communities tended to look after one another, unlike the city people. She kept them both in new clothes and shoes and fed them well. She gave them a decent place to live, with decent things in it. She was always their rock and loved them both just the same, unlike their father. And she somehow made it work, even after their Dad was no longer in the picture.

They never told her about their father's favoritism and abuse. Not because they didn't want to, but because they didn't want to break her heart with the knowledge of who their father really was. A lot of good that did.

Kyle thought about the other kids he had grown up with in Prairie Grove and how they'd gone off to the city after graduating high school to pursue big dreams and how he wished them well. How fortunate for them. Michael and Kyle, however, hadn't had the same choices as those kids did, sad to say.

In 2017, when Kyle was still 9, his Dad left on April 4th, never to return, leaving him, Michael and their Mom behind. He remembered being upset when she told him and Michael their father had left. Mike, not so much. Understandable, given how their Dad had treated him over the years. Kyle emotionally blanked out after hearing the news, but he had obviously been crying, because the next thing he knew, his Mom was embracing, saying..."You've still got me, Kyle. You've still got me." Kyle always felt safe when his Mom was around. He never once saw her cry when his Dad left. It was like she did the math in her head, calm and steady as usual, and decided one of them had to hold it together for both of them, and since she was the Mom, that position fell on her.

In 2018, Michael graduated high school at the age of 18 and went off to college in Oregon after summer break, and Kyle and his mother hadn't seen or heard from him since his graduation in 2022. His mother finished raising him by herself. Home was never the same with his father and Michael gone, but it was the start of a new life for both mother and son. Even though part of Kyle wanted things to be like they were before, he knew they never would. And so Kyle and his Mom started over. She wasn't the same after his father bailed, but she did the best she could. She tried her hardest to manage teacher conferences, open-house, field-trips and buying the right kind of stuff for birthdays and Christmas. His mother wasn't cut out to be a single parent...but she did her best. And at the end of the day that was all that really mattered. Kyle loved her for it, and she loved him right back.

At the age of 10, Kyle changed his middle and last name from Lance Martin to Bog Bones, as he didn't want his father's first and last name anymore. His father had walked out on him, and his brother following suit not long after certainly didn't make him feel better.

But even more than that, Kyle could see what his father's favoritism towards him did to Michael when they were growing up. The once playful boy who use to love to hold, hug and cuddle him and give him a lot of kisses from 2007 to 2009 when he was a baby, according to his Mom, became a bully towards him at the age of 10 and started hanging out with bad adult crowds in 2010. He really didn't have any friends his own age. At this point, at 18, Kyle got it. Non-favorite kids are insecure. They're looking for attention from the parents who are favoring their siblings. They're trying to get their parents to notice them. They're trying to earn their love and affection. But it almost always came back to them not feeling good enough about themselves to begin with. Of course as kids...neither he nor Michael knew this. He knew that his Dad's favoritism towards him upset Michael, but that was as far as it went. Michael seemed to think Kyle was the golden child. He was the perfect son. The good son. The one without flaws. The kind of son his brother wanted so desperately to be. But in reality...he was none of those things. If only parents like his Dad knew what they were doing. If only they knew what kind of damage favorite had on their kids. He meant this nicely, but...parents are just kind of clueless at times. He'd graduated high school last year at 17, and looking back, he and Michael were just kind of dumb and naive to what society was really like. He didn't blame the world for the bad things that happened in it because the world was a planet, not a person. Anytime something bad happened, he always blamed the people that did it, not the Earth. If the bad thing was an accident, that was what he saw it as and nothing more. But most of the bad things that happened in the world were caused by people, and those kind of things were no accidental.

Things eventually only got worse for Michael. He would always be left at home whenever Kyle and their Dad would go out together, since their Mom would be at work most of the time. Their Dad would never invite him to come along with them. Kyle would have. But his Dad--who he once considered to be cool--would not have allowed it. His Dad didn't want Michael tagging along with them, almost as if he didn't want to be labled as his father. It wasn't until Kyle was 11 that he really began to unlock the severity of Michael's situation. Even more now at 18 than he did then.

That was why he was on this journey. Kyle had left home to find his long lost. A piece of his family and himself he had been missing for too long. He wasn't sure what he was going to say or do once he found him. He just wanted to somehow make him feel better. Let him know that someone cared about him. That kind of brotherly love relationship that they hadn't had as kids growing up, all thanks to their father and his favoritism towards Kyle.

Kyle then zoned out of reality and began thinking about his high school graduation last year when he was 17. Boy, what a night that was. A wonderful, wonderful night.

Prairie Grove, Kansas-(2024)

"Ladies and gentlemen, it is my honor to introduce our first youngest Prairie Grove High School graduate, 17-year old Kyle Bog Bones." Said male school principal Ian Jackson into the microphone on the podium, standing on stage behind it in the assembly-room. Not one seat was empty. All of the teachers, meanwhile, were sitting in chairs on stage, with one of them being empty, which was principal Jackson's.

The whole crowd in the seats of the assembly-room applauded and cheered as Kyle, wearing his black graduation cap and gown, got up from his seat next to the rest of his graduating class-mates, who were all wearing the same caps and gowns, and went up to the stage, walked up the steps, onto the stage, and walked over to the podium where principal Jackson turned to him and they shook hands before the man went to his chair on stage and sat down by the school teachers as Kyle stepped behind the podium.

"Thank you, principal Jackson." Said Kyle in the microphone on the podium. The 17-year old just stared out at the crowd. Among the people were his mother and 16-year old Charlotte-her blond hair stopping at her shoulders, who were both sitting next to each other.

"GO GET 'EM, KYLE!" Charlotte shouted as she stood up before sitting back down.

"I got it, Charlie." Kyle said he reached inside the left side of his gown and pulled out a folded up piece of paper that contained his speech he had written on it. "I'm cool."

"Hahahahaha!" The crowd laughed.

"Thank you." Kyle said as he unfolded the paper and placed it on the podium. "We don't have very much time left, so i'll make it quick...like tonight's event."

"Hahaha!" Some people in the crowd laughed.

"You know..." Kyle began, reading his speech on the paper. "as we come to the end of this phase of our lives...we find ourselves...trying to remember the good times...and trying to forget the bad times...we find ourselves thinking about the future. We start to worry...thinking "What am i gonna do? Where am i gonna be in 10 years?" I say to you..."Hey...look at me." Please...don't worry so much. Because in the end, none of us know what we're gonna do with our lives when we grow up. Life is a mystery. If you're ever distressed...cast your eyes to the dark night sky...when the stars are nowhere across the black night. When a shooting star streaks through the darkness, turning night into day...think of me. Make your life spectacular. I know i did. I made it, Mom."

Kyle's Mom grinned at him as tears ran down her face.

"I'm a senior graduate. Thank you." Kyle said.

The whole crowd, including Kyle's mother and Charlotte, all stood up and applauded and cheered for Kyle after hearing his speech.

High School graduation had been a bitter-sweet day for Kyle. He was glad to finally be done with school, but at the same time, he wished his brother could've been there to support him. He wished his brother could've been there for all of his other graduations as well. Elementary School, Middle School, Junior High. But he wasn't. Michael had missed them. Willingly missed them.

Kyle wasn't sure how he had managed to graduate at 17, as he hadn't been expected to graduate at 18 by the school system. He had fallen behind in 2021 and was informed by his history teacher, Mrs. Olsen, that he would not be graduating until 2027 at the age of 20. But Kyle was able catch up with his 2024 graduate class-mates due to working overtime, and managed to finish school along with them. He wasn't sure how he pulled it off, but he did. He felt bad that Charlotte wasn't among the kids he graduated with, but at least he had the consolation of knowing she would be finished with school next year.

Kyle had graduated elementary school at the age of 9 in 2016...middle school at age 12 in 2019...and junior high at the age of 15 in 2022. And his brother hadn't come to any of them. He understood his brother being a no-show at his graduations, but he didn't understand why his brother hadn't been at his graduations at the time. And he knew the reason why. He didn't show up out of spite and resentment towards Kyle. Just like he did last year in 2024 when Kyle graduated high school. Then again, their Dad didn't go to any of Michael's graduations either, so...he was just following their Dad's example.

But if it was any consolation, he was glad his Dad hadn't been there for middle school/junior high/senior high school graduation, 'cause he would've made them all about Kyle, like he did at elementary schools grad, as if he was the only kid there who had graduated, and that wasn't what those nights should've been. The other kids in his class had worked just as hard as he had over the years to get to those nights, and they had every right to be acknowledged for that even as much as he did. He was glad that man was out of his life...out of Michael's life, out of their mother's life...out of all their lives. They were better off without him. Trouble was they still weren't a family. Ever since Michael left home for college in 2018, it had been just Kyle and his mother. And her jerky boyfriend who hated him, but they weren't married or living together, so he didn't count. But Michael...Michael was his brother. Michael was family...and the only missing piece to the family puzzle. All Kyle had to do was find and patch things up with him. And then...only then would they be able to heal as brothers and have that sibling relationship their father had deprived them of groing up.

Finding Michael, however, was easier said than done. Wanting to find him was one thing, locating him was a whole 'nother story. Sure, he had gone off to Oregon University college in 2018, but he'd graduated from there in 2022. Kyle and his mother had been there at Michael's graduation, but they had no clue where he went afterwards. He didn't tell them where he was going, so they had no knowledge of where he was, what town, city or state he was in or where he was even living. They didn't even know if he was still in the U.S. But wherever he was, be it here in America or some other country, Kyle was determined to find his brother and make things right with him. Even if that meant traveling around the nation or world...or both.

Kyle reached into his right pants pocket, got out black cellphone, and began texting his mother. The text read

I'm on the train, heading for Colorado. I'll text you again later when i arrive.

Kyle then sent the text to his mother's phone and waited for her to reply.

A minute later, his Mom replied back with a text that said

Alright, stay safe. Stay out of trouble. Love you.

Kyle texted

Same here. No need to worry.

Kyle sent the text.

His Mom texted

That's when i worry the most. LOL

Kyle smiled as he let out a single chuckle before placing his phone back in his right pants pocket, followed by reaching into his left pants pocket, pulling out his white iPod. He put the ear-buds in his ears, turned on the device, searched for a song, and began listening to 'INCOMPLETE' by the 2000s boy band, Back Street Boys as he went back to looking out the window at the passing scenery before him.

Empty spaces

fill me up with holes

with no place left to go

Without you within me

i can find no rest

Where i'm going

is anybody's guess

I tried to go on like i never knew you

I'm awake, but my world is half asleep

I pray for this heart to be unbroken,

but without you all i'm going to be is

incomplete.

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