AN: Hi all, I'm so sorry for the long hiatus. I have been going through some medical scares currently and have been very anxious and depressed which sort of wiped my writing inspiration. I have NOT given up on this story, I just find it difficult to maintain the pacing of frequent chapters due to how many medical visits I have, making sure to still be able to go to work, and having some sort of a social life while also being a newlywed. It's just been a lot but low and behold, here's a new chapter and I plan to continue writing with no promises as to when the next chapters will come. Mainly based on my own recovery and mental health but I do want to see this story through to the end.
Christian POV
June 11, 2011
After my parents left, I was worn out. Emotions had been running high. My past trauma was being painfully forced to the front of my mind. The horrendous truth of the extent of what Rowan had been put through made me sick to my stomach. I was feeling an immense amount of rage but even more so, guilt. My guilt was outweighing the rage.
Had I been too blind to see that Leila was pregnant? Had I been too much of an ass for her to tell me? My child could have avoided this horrendous amount of torture if I had been…well…if I had been a different version of myself. If I had been a somewhat decent person. If I had never gone to Elena's as a teenager. If I had confided in my parents about what was going on.
I could have confided. They could have helped. That wasn't a mindset they had put on me in the past hour long conversation, that was a mindset they argued.
"Elena wasn't your fault, Christian."
"You were a child; she was a grown up."
"We should have known."
"How could we have missed it?"
"You're not pathetic. You're not weak."
"Early childhood trauma can create irrational responses."
"We should have protected you."
My parents had tried so hard to reassure me, but the truth was, what happened to Rowan was my fault just like what happened to me. It was because of the fifty shades of fucked up I had always been and would always be.
How could I possibly raise this little girl?
I couldn't even get over my own childhood trauma, years and years later, so how could I ever help Rowan heal? I had screwed myself up beyond an imaginable level, surely, I would screw her up too. I mead for fuck's sake, the fact I pushed her so far just hours ago to disclose things she wasn't ready to disclose. How could I do that to her?
How could Elena do that to her?
She was in a submissive pose.
The one Elena taught me.
The one Elena taught me to teach women.
Fucking Elena—and to think, I had trusted her. For years, I trusted her. Confided in her. Partnered with her. Longed for her, even. Really, all it was to her was control and taking advantage of someone. Really, that's all I was to my previous subs.
Was that all I was to Ana?
Was that all I was capable of?
"Mr. Grey?" Taylor's voice pulled me from my thoughts. I looked up at him. "Miss Steele is here. Should I send her away?"
My gut reaction is yes. Send her far away from me. Get her to some normal, healthy man who can be who she needs and deserves. Get her to the furthest point of the world from me so she can thrive.
Despite these thoughts, I find myself shaking my head. "No, go ahead and send her in."
He nods and leave replaced moments later by my beautiful, sweet Ana carrying a stuffed "Winnie the Pooh" in her arms.
"Christian?" Her tone is instantly concerned. "What's wrong? You look terrible. Are you sick?"
I sigh. What did I even say? She would hate me. She'd see me for what I really am—a monster.
"A lot has unfolded today about Rowan. I'm…exhausted." I sighed. "She's taking a nap right now. I don't know if we'll go to the event tonight or not. It seems foolish given what all has unfolded but…we'll see I suppose."
"What's happened?"
"Elena."
"Mrs. Robinson?" Ana asked, a small glare crossing her face as it always does when Elena Lincoln is referenced.
"She's…she's how Rowan was hidden from me. She paid Leila, took care of everything." I explained.
"But why?" Ana asked.
I felt the need to vomit at that question.
"Because…you were right, Ana. She's a child abuser." I whispered.
Tears began to fill my eyes. I wouldn't shed them. There was no way.
So I thought, at least.
Ana, always understanding, always reading between the lines, seemed to understand the weight of these words. She took my hands. My eyes met hers. The tears began to fall.
"You don't have to tell me if you can't yet." She spoke calmly. "But if you do want to talk, I'm here."
I nodded and tried to swallow the terrible lump in my throat.
"My father said an arrest will be made. He needed to get ahold of some colleagues at the DA's office as well as the detectives on the case. Elena will be arrested and sentenced appropriately and investigated to see if there were more…victims. Hell, I want her dead Ana. Jail isn't mercy for what she's done for Rowan."
"Or to you." Ana told me softly. "Christian, we know there was at least one other victim."
I looked away.
I wasn't a victim.
I was the monster.
"I'm not a victim, Ana. I'm a monster. Just look at what I did to you…to all the others before you. I don't deserve any form of justice."
"You're not a monster, Christian. You…you never learned how to love or be loved. You're learning now. I can see it. You're changing and you're capable of change. You're not…damaged beyond repair."
My head hung as the tears picked up. Ana went to try and hold me. I flinched back, panic setting in. I did everything I could to slow my breathing.
"I—I'm sorry." She whispered.
I couldn't find the words. My response to her touch contradicted her previous statement. I was…indeed…damaged beyond repair.
"Christian?" She whispered. "I won't touch you again…not without asking first. I didn't mean to frighten you. I'm sure…I'm sure whatever happened to give you knowledge of what happened to Rowan was exceptionally triggering to you and that you have a lot going on right now. I should have thought about that."
She was so understanding. Always so understanding. I didn't deserve it.
"What do you need right now?" She asked.
I shrugged. I had no idea.
"Daddy?" I heard a little voice in the doorway.
I did my best to compose myself before lifting my head. I didn't want Rowan to see me like this.
"Daddy, are you sad?" She asked again, walking closer.
"I'm okay Rowan." I assured her.
She looked at Ana, confusion at first across her little face but then a smile.
"Miss Ana?" She asked excitedly.
The first time I had seen her smile since our earlier situation. A beautiful, dimpled smile.
"Yes, Rowan, this is Ana. Ana, this is Rowan."
"Hi Rowan, I'm excited to meet you." Ana crouched in front of her.
"Daddy says you're one of the nicest people ever." Rowan told her, eyeballing the stuffed toy Ana still held.
"Well, your daddy is very kind." Ana offered. "I brought a new friend. I heard you like stuffed animals and this is "Winnie the Pooh". He's a bear with lots of stories about him. I've brought some books to go along with him too."
Rowan took the bear and grinned, giving it a big hug.
"Look, Daddy!" She exclaimed as she came over to me, showing off her new bear.
"Woah, Row. A bear that has books written about him? That's pretty cool."
"Thank you, Miss Ana." Rowan smiled, running over and hugging Ana's legs.
"You're very welcome." Ana offered as she returned the hug.
"Daddy, is it time to put on my new dress yet?" Rowan asked.
"Well, Row, I was just thinking about it. I know today was a very…big day. Do you still want to go to the event? We can just stay home with Ana instead if you want and watch movies or play games." I offered, trying to decide if I should give her a say or just call it a no-go for myself.
"No princess party?" Rowan asked eyes seeming sad at the thought.
We could always go, make an appearance, see my family, and leave before the festivities. That was a compromise. Instead of having Gail come to watch Rowan while we stayed behind, we could just take Rowan, write a check for a donation, and then head home for a quiet night in. Rowan was and had been very excited for her princess dress after all.
"Or, what if we go to the princess party and instead of staying with Gail, we all come back here and have our own princess party after. Would you like that?" I asked.
Rowan nodded with a happy smile and ran over to me, giving me a big hug.
"So can I wear my dress now?" She asked.
"Just about." I offered with a chuckle. "First, you and Miss Ana have a special friend coming over to get your princess hair done and get you both ready for the evening."
Ana was smiling at me. I guess I wasn't taking this part of fatherhood at least.
"Okay!" She decided.
"Why don't you go pick out which of your stuffed animals are going with us tonight and Ana and I will come to your room in just a few minutes to see what you've decided on."
She nodded and ran off, her new bear tucked safely in her arms.
"You're good with her." Ana remarked.
"I have no idea what I'm doing." I sighed.
"Well, you're figuring it out." She offered.
"I hope you don't mind that we have a day of beauty and girl stuff for you and Rowan. We have Franco—a hairdresser—arriving at 2:00. I also have a manicurist arriving around 3:30. Rowan keeps admiring Gail's nails, so I figured it was a good excuse to get her nails painted too."
"Do you think she'll be okay at the event?" She asked.
"I have no idea. If she starts to get upset, we leave. No questions asked. I actually was thinking…it's good sailing conditions tomorrow. What if after we leave the event, we head to my boat. We can spend the night there. I'd love to show it to you, and I think Row would like it too."
"Boat?"
"Yes. Sailing is one of my favorite hobbies and I think the weather is supposed to be about perfect for it. It's very relaxing. We can bring Row's Little Mermaid pajamas and watch the movie—it is one of her favorites."
"That sounds like an amazing evening."
Ana and I spent a little bit chatting about Rowan—I had trouble discussing Elena. Ana was patient. She didn't push. I appreciated that in the moment. We made our way to Rowan's room where we found her with all of her stuffed animals. Each was lined up and she was pacing, thinking very hard.
"What are you thinking about, Rowan?" I asked.
"Which one to bring." She simply said.
"My ballerina bear looks like she could go to a ball, but I think a princess bear would be better. Do you think I could put the Rapunzel dress from that bear onto my stuffed bunny so she's ready for the ball?" She asked us with such contemplation.
"Of course, Row. I think that's a great idea." I smiled.
"Can I pick my dress yet?" She asked us. "My princess dress?!"
I chuckled and nodded, walking to her closet with Ana in tow.
"I can wear any of them, right?" Shea sked, looking at the rack of formal dresses Gail had picked for her.
"Any you want." I agreed with a smile.
"Which do you think I should wear, Ana?" She asked, running to grab Ana's hand with a smile.
She already seemed taken with her despite having just met her. She was warming up to her quickly. Perhaps she too could feel Ana's abnormal amounts of warmth and compassion.
"Hmm, I don't know. What's your favorite color?" Ana asked.
"It changes." Rowan piped up. "Yesterday I liked yellow. Today I liked purple. Sometimes I link pink or blue best."
"Which one do you like today?" Ana asked her.
Rowan thought carefully, grazing her hand over each dress. Eventually she landed on a long, yellow dress that looked like a princess gown from a fairytale. She smiled and looked to us.
"It looks like Belle. Can I wear this one?"
"You can wear whatever you'd like." I reminded her.
"Princesses also need shoes." Ana reminded her. "What shoes do you want to wear?"
"Daddy, can I wear my light up sneakers?"
I smiled at her. How could I deny such a small and happy request?
"Yes, of course you can. Rowan, I'm also going to pack you a small bag. We are going with Miss Ana to stay on a boat tonight to watch movies and go sailing tomorrow. I'll make sure you have all the clothes you need but if you want to help me pick you can. You can also pick some toys to bring and another stuffed animal or two."
She nodded and I pulled out a duffle bag for her. She helped me pick a few outfit choices because she didn't want to decide what she was wearing tomorrow today, and some things for our small adventure tomorrow. Once we had her ready to go, Gail let us know Franco had arrived and was prepared for Ana and Rowan.
"You can go Daddy, it's girl time." Rowan told me as soon as I took them to Franco.
I chuckled and looked to Ana.
She smiled and shook her head a bit. "Go, Christian. We'll be fine. Girl time is definitely needed. Get yourself ready and we'll see you after."
It was odd having time to myself. My mind was wandering. Thinking of Elena. Growing increasingly furious. Tears threatened to flow from my eyes again. I would not shed those. Once they started, there would be no stopping. That level of grief—frightened me.
I busied myself with some work I needed to catch up on, and then packing for me and for Ana. My father called as I was beginning to prepare myself for the event.
"Chistian."
"Dad."
"How are you, Son?"
"I've been better. I admitted. Is there an update?"
"They are going to take Elena in soon. Officers are heading to her home. They have enough to hold her until a bail hearing. She will not be at the event tonight. I'm hopeful they will not grant bail for her. I will keep you posted on when the hearing happens."
I didn't answer. The truth was, I was frightened. What would that mean for Rowan? Would they make her testify? Go through forensic interviews? What evidence would they find with a warrant? How much would a trial retraumatize my child? Would they find evidence of other victims? There were so many anxiety provoking thoughts flowing through my brain. I felt like I couldn't breathe.
"Christian?"
"What about Rowan? What will they want to do about her?"
"They'll probably want a forensic interview. They'll want to see what she discloses. It is very rare for a child as young as her to have to appear in open court so I would assume any interview will be private or she may have to be questioned in a judge's chambers but Christian, we are a ways off from that. The forensic interview will be the first step. It is going to be a long few weeks, I fear. An emotional few weeks. Your mother and I…we are worried about you and Rowan. We want to make sure you feel supported. We can come stay with you, or host you all here if you need or want."
"I…I don't know."
"The offer stands. You don't have to decide today."
I was silent again. Pondering. What was best for me? More importantly, what was best for Rowan? How did I figure that out? She is far too young to tell me, I have to know or discover it. What the hell was I supposed to do? How do I parent her? How am I supposed to be what she needs? I'm too fucked up for that. I'm not good enough.
"Christian, your mother and I are more than understanding if you all don't want to attend tonight."
"Rowan wants to. She keeps calling it her princess night. Ana and I are going to bring her so we can make an appearance and then go spend the night on The Grace to get away for a bit."
"Either way, no matter what, we are here for you—and for Rowan."
"I know." I sighed.
I spoke with my father for a little longer about logistics. I didn't want to talk about my emotions or reactions. I didn't allow him to support me, but I did listen about what next steps were with the trail and with Rowan and his advice on how to support her best.
After the call, I got myself ready and then went to check on Ana and Row. They were dancing together—melting my heart as I heard both of their giggles. They both looked like princesses, all dressed up, both with their hair and nails done, Ana with her makeup and Rowan with her lip gloss. Ana in heels, Rowan in rainbow light up sneakers. They were adorable.
"Daddy!" Rowan saw me. "Come dance! We need a prince!"
And so, I did. I joined the girls, and we had a silly dance party that I would have never of partaken in if it wasn't for Rowan. I found myself…laughing. I hadn't laughed like that probably since childhood—if ever. Ana was beaming at both of us. Enjoying herself. I could have stayed like that for hours.
"Oh, Christian, I think it's time we need to leave." Ana chimed in, noticing the time.
I sighed a bit, wishing to just stay in this moment but nodded. Rowan wanted her princess night and that's what we would do. Together we all made our way to the car and Taylor drove us to my parents' home, Rowan bouncing with excitement to attend her very first "princess ball", all while snuggled up to Ana's side babbling to her about being like "Belle".
Despite the true horrors of the morning, today had been redeemed. Today was becoming a good day with my two princesses at my side.