Full title is "If you feel their silent tears, just turn a knob and switch that gear". A piece of one of the songs in Be More Chill.

Waking up to her kids cuddling to each side of her felt nice. It gave her a rock to hold onto, a certainty that she didn't know she'd needed. At the end, when it mattered, she was finally able to realize this piece of herself. This small portion of her world which had been shrouded in shadows for as long as she remembered.

That should've been enough.

Ai held them closer to her body, basking in their body heat as her senses slowly adjusted to the ambient light and let her know that she wasn't all that well. She felt… Light. Different. Like her body was trying to push something out that it couldn't grab a hold of. The paramedics were kind of weirded out by her symptoms, and she even had a blood test she took later the next day told then that she had nothing wrong to worry about. Of course, that made Ichigo-san put her aside to ask if they have to "visit that remote hospital again", but there was literally no possible chance that that'd be the case. The timeframe didn't fit. So, after some awkward apologizing, they dropped the topic altogether.

Now, with that covered…

Ai couldn't remain lying like this for long. She carefully untangled herself from the twins, making sure to shush them back to sleep, and went to grab the phone on the night stance. She tried to be more careful with this one, having three kind of made it awkward to juggle but she'd done so for some time already. And it was only a matter of paying attention to this particular one a little more, so she didn't have to change her habits too much.

She opened her conversation. The same one she'd started once she got home after the concert. It remained the same way it was when she went to sleep the night before, and the morning of the same day, and the night when Ai sent the messages: Unanswered.

[ty for ur time]

[hope u enjoyed it]

[what was ur fave song]

[were you surprised by my little surprise at the beginning]

[hey]

[srry about the meeting]

[rlly]

[srry]

[had to keep thing in order]

[u can be a handful yknow]

[meanie]

[but im not mad]

[rlly]

[myk-san can be rlly mean too so theres that]

[wonder if i can make it up to u somehow?]

[did u see my secret message?]

[did u get back home safely?]

[tell ur sis I say hi]

[hope she enjoyed the attention too]

[u know before everything else]

[she looks very smart]

[ur siblings after all eh]

[ur prolly asleep so ill stop making ur phone buzz haha]

[good night Hikigaya]

[have sweet dreams]

[well with the songs we covered that's prolly a given haha]

[again thnks for coming]

[means a lot that I can continue to do my best with everyone]

[thnks to u]

[good night]

Ai clicked her tongue without thinking, wondering if she should add something to see if he'd answer once the conversation went to the top of his menu. Then, realizing that it'd be a little weird given their previous record, she went back to the main menu and put the device away.

…Then again, this is the guy that took a knife in her stead.

[mornin]

[u didn't answer and I know moving around can be dangerous]

[just wanna know u made it home safely]

[sorry to bother I guess]

[kinda worried here]

Ai pressed her lips together, looking at the device like she could will it to get her the answers she needed. Oddly enough, it kind of worked out. Because, a minute later, something did come out of it.

[We spent the night and came back home the next day. I wouldn't put my little sister through moving out of the city at night if I can help it, so don't worry. And it goes without saying, but you're a terrific singer. I already knew, but seeing it in person is something else entirely.]

Ai chuckled to herself, having to re-read the message a couple of times to fully get it. But she still kicked her legs up and down as she typed.

[whaaaa u shoulda told me!]

[we coulda done smth fun before u left!]

[ur sis too ofc]

She waited a bit, still staring at the formal way he typed. It looked like him, or at least that's what I imagined. It was too bad she had to constantly delete the conversation, but she had to do it for their safety. She'd have liked to keep screenshots or something, keep tabs on things she'd said to know if she'd pushed any boundaries that needed rectifying, but that too would be dangerous. So she didn't.

All she could was wait.

And wait, and wait…

…

She turned around and moved one of the kids a little.

"Bweh…?" Aqua opened one of his eyes, turning and looking up with nothing but confusion as his mother leaned in with pressed lips.

"Hey. Hikigaya answered. The message looks normal to me, and I was wondering if maybe you didn't get it wrong? He doesn't feel distressed at all." She whispered, looking at Ruby who was still fast asleep.

"Mmmm… He met you after the incident… So his brain probably attached my image to the trauma of being stabbed and only mine…" A bit of saliva ran down his little mouth, his words a bit slurred because his body was only half-awake.

"I see. Thanks, Aqua-sensei." Ai sat back up, not really knowing what to make out of her son's answer.

"Mmmmm, don't worry about it, Ai-chan. That's what I'm here for…" Aqua lowered his head back to the pillow "Don't forget your stretches… Mmmm…"

His little voice made her stop for a moment, not knowing what the knot in her stomach was. She wanted to smother him. But at the same time, those words made something click in the depths of her mind. A fond memory, if bitter. A time where things were simpler.

Were those times real? What happened? Why was she abandoned? Was it happening again?

She stared at the screen again, waiting.

And waiting, and waiting, and waiting.

When her kids woke up completely, her ears were buzzing a little. Still no reply.

Life called, there were still things to do that day. Although Ai didn't particularly enjoy them.

"So, let me get this straight." Niino was caressing her face like she'd eaten something sticky and was trying to get it off her cheeks "This guy's the reason Ai's alive, and that's why you thought it was a good idea for him to come?"

"We didn't "think" it was a good idea of any kind. He did it on his own." Miyako-san had her arms crossed, fully in defensive mode as the rest of B-Komachi were silently coming to their own conclusions.

"And the special treatment?" She pointed out.

"You saw how Ai reacted. We wanted to have as little people witnessing a bad reaction as possible." The woman replied without breaking a sweat "Ai showed no signs of distress before, but I'm pretty sure we all know what can happen when stress creeps up at bad moments. I don't think I need to elaborate on that."

Niino fell silent, looking away but sitting back down without another word.

"That still means that you let Ai-chan down the stage with everything that happened." Takamine spoke up, sounding calmer but still a little tense.

"That's… Something we didn't green light." Miyako-san turned to Ai, giving her a pointed look "We told you we'd discuss it with the people of the scenario, but we didn't agree to anything."

"Are you sure?"

"I explicitly told you it wouldn't happen unless otherwise stated. I think the silence on the matter would've clued anyone in any other circumstance." Although she answered Takamine's question, her gaze remained squarely on Ai.

"I kinda forgot…" Ai said weakly.

"Yeah, we noticed." Miyako-san scoffed.

"So that won't have repercussions either?" Niino spoke up again.

"Later. One thing at a time."

"Okay, but why were you arguing with him?" Kyun raised her arm, asking without sounding stressed out at all "It looked to me like there's a lot more communication going on here."

Miyako-san remained stoic in her posture.

"There was. I had to look him up just in case. Depending on his background, there'd have to be some level of communication with his family. If only to keep things under wraps and civil." Miyako-san looked at her nails, seemingly not caring about the topic in spite of how much tension it brought up. It didn't escape Ai's mind that the girls had talked about being careful around men after the very thing that allowed Ai to meet her hero "Imagine the scandal. The media would've eaten us alive if spun in the right way."

"…And?" Kyun motioned her hand around for Miyako-san to continue.

"What?"

"What did you find?" The girl insisted "He looked like he'd call some shady people in if he was more pissed off. Honestly, it was really uncomfortable being in the same room as him."

"Nothing. The most relevant thing was that he went to high school with one of the Yukinoshita heiresses, but that's it." Miyako-san shrugged "And it's not like they're, like, Shinomiya levels of successful. So we didn't dig further."

Kyun pursed her lips and went for her phone, quickly manipulating the device and catching the idols' attention to the point that silence lingered until she showed the screen to Miyako-san.

"Is this the woman the younger girl mentioned? This so-called "devil"? And that's not important?"

"Won a competition in chess, tennis, acrobatics, singing, karate, archery…" Miyako-san murmured as she scrolled down, only to grow irritated and do it faster. After about five swipes, she just clicked her tongue and went back to her spot "Okay, I can kinda see why she'd be called that. I honestly didn't know this woman had that record."

That sounded like a lie… Right? Ai wanted to think that her bosses wouldn't slack in learning about Ai's benefactor thoroughly.

"Why are you so invested in this anyway?"

"We've been scrapping for information since day one." Kyun scoffed "We basically know nothing about what happened, how it happened. We're as in the dark as the media and that's not fair."

"It was better for the covering of these events if you didn't know. It helped a lot to sell the idea we went for. Sorry if that hurt your trust in the brand." Miyako-san said the blandest tone imaginable.

"I wasn't referring to Ai's murder attempt but okay."

"Okay, Kyun. I get it. If you have anything else to say, take it to Ichigo."

The idol looked at Ai, eyes narrowed but otherwise calm. She didn't speak up.

"This won't happen again, right?" Takamine asked.

"Not up to us. We can't control what Hikigaya does, it'd look bad."

"So we have to endure this too?"

"You're being overdramatic. It's not up to us how Ai reacts to his presence." Miyako-san pointed out "She'll have to heal at her own pace."

"Heal, you say…"

"This isn't the Ai-chan I know." Niino gritted her teeth "Are you sure you're telling us the truth?"

"You can look for the guy if you want, I won't stop you." Miyako-san scoffed "Though I'd suggest to leave him alone if you don't want to endure the yapping again. He seems to be good at it."

Niino clicked her tongue in response.

Good. One way or another, this whole thing was done with. Tension would probably be worse for the following days, but Ai already knew how to deal with that. The main point to take home was that she'd have to be careful not to check her phone too often around them, maybe change the contact name now that they knew who "Komachi" is.

That'd be… A bit difficult. She still had to keep her hands to herself, avoid taking the device. She knew, intellectually, that no answer was waiting for her. But what if she was wrong? After all, Miyako-san hadn't been right about everything. Couldn't be.

The way she described Hikigaya made him look bad. Maybe it was planned around what Ai said in front of the girls, but she too had been covering up for the facts. The things that Ai and only Ai knew.

Someone that can worry so selflessly for others can't be like that. If he cared for Ai when he didn't know who she was, then he couldn't not care when he did. It didn't make sense, no it didn't. It couldn't make sense. True, maybe he'd felt offended by her words. No one is perfect, after all. And this, too, Ai knew it as a certainty. Everyone has an ugly side, it just so happens that Ai might've triggered that tiny, insignificant side without meaning to. But it would be alright, because he couldn't not be kind. Not someone as selfless as him.

She just… Needed to speak with him. Like that time, their last call. She felt something click, although she didn't know what. So she just needed to do it again, press onward. She should be able to find what she was looking for… Right? Even she had found her own love in her children. In the end, when it mattered, she was capable of loving for real. With that in mind, and with the image of selfless love… Ai can complete the puzzle, right? She just needs to press onward, keep trying, keep looking in the right direction.

Ai stared back at Kyun.

Haruno, huh. It must've been a matter of speech; he did say weird things from time to time after all. There's such a thing as being devilishly good at things, right? And the site Kyun found proved that…

Good. That makes sense. Yes, it does. How fortunate.

Because Hoshino Ai is a winner too, and the unmistakable truth is that she's at the top of her career as well. It'd be difficult for anyone to compare.

She just has to look in the right direction.