Mini Episode: Give Me Some Credit
"Hi everyone. You might have met me before," Matt stood in front of the room.
"Tai...what's going on?" Angie whimpered.
"Yeah, last time this asshat was here, he ruined everything," Koji said.
"I ruined everything? Look, I was going to segue into this, but I think I'll just cut to the chase! We've been running reports at home office and you guys have to be the lowest-performing store in the entire district!" Matt exclaimed.
"Please don't tell us you came all the way from god knows where to say what we already know," Rika blankly stared at Matt.
"Listen girl! This is exactly the kind of attitude that keeps your store from reaching your metrics!" Matt leaned in close to her and wagged his finger in her face.
"You sure it's got nothing to do with our shitty pay?" Ryo asked.
"What the hell is wrong with you guys! Is this any way to speak to a higher up?" Matt growled.
"Considering the kind of people Cloud 9 chooses to be the higher ups...yes," Kouichi fiddled with his feather hair extension.
"It's really hard to have respect for you guys when you don't...manage?" Takato shrugged.
"Hmmm, so are you saying this is a management issue?" Matt rubbed his chin.
"Of course not!" Tai nervously laughed.
"It's not. Right, guys?" Yolei clenched her hand in a fist and shook it.
"Sure. Whatever. Anything you say," Marcus shrugged.
"Oh boy," Matt winced.
"Can we leave now?" Tommy raised his hand.
"No, you cannot! Not until we come up with a plan to boost some metrics! One of the goals I'd like to set is for you to get more people to sign up for our store car-"
"Uggghhhh...," the room broke out in a large groan.
"Not those stupid fucking cards," Davis whined.
"All I want is for you guys to at least open up one account each! That's not too much to ask for! You guys haven't opened a single store card in months!" Matt exclaimed.
"Because they're extremely predatory! I read through the brochure," Thomas crossed his arms.
"How dare you?! No one should be reading the brochure under any circumstances! They're only there as a formality!" Matt growled in Thomas's face.
"Not my department, not my problem," Kari muttered.
"Oh honey, didn't you know? Cafe Europa will have their own store card soon too! In a couple of months, you'll be pushing a card just like the rest of the blue-vest team," Matt winked at Kari.
"Who the hell would put coffee on a high-interest credit card?" Izzy crossed his arms.
"Nuh uh uh! We don't like to use the c-word when we talk about our store card! That word scares people off and they're less likely to sign up for our store card if they think it's a credit card!" Matt shook his head.
"But isn't it a credit card?" Takato raised an eyebrow.
"It's a store card," Matt winked.
"Right...," Takato bit his lip.
"Maybe the best way to encourage all of you to open up accounts is to have your supervisors help you out! Tai, Yolei, Prince Harry, can you guys come up to the front?" Matt waved them over.
"Ugh, do I have to?" Izzy groaned.
"Just do it. The quicker we go along with this, the faster he can get the hell out of here," Yolei grunted.
"Fine...," Izzy reluctantly got up from his chair.
"Thank you! Now, you three are going to choose one of your subordinates and you work together as a pair to push our store card onto our customers. The team who opens the most accounts will win a prize that has a value of $500," Matt smiled.
"Do we have to?" Izzy huffed.
"See? This negative attitude again...," Matt sucked his teeth.
"Hmmm...," Tai rubbed his chin as he scanned the room. "Oooh! Henry, I pick you!"
"Me? Why me? I'm a security officer!" Henry made a face.
"But you're smart and super sexy in a masculine way, you'll definitely help pull in some store cards," Tai nodded.
"Can I report him to HR? That comment made me very uncomfortable," Henry frowned.
"You're not getting out of this, pretty boy! Come join Tai," Matt smiled.
"Hey, I just thought of a great team name for us! We could be Hen-Tai! I took the first part of your name and smashed it together with my name, what do you think? Maybe I should make shirts!" Tai beamed.
"Hentai," Rika snorted.
"Yeah, definitely make the shirts!" Ryo yelled.
"Oh brother...," Henry groaned.
"Dammit, well if you're going for brawn, then I'm going for brains! Joe, get your ass up here!" Yolei whistled.
"Why would she pick Joe?" Marcus frowned.
"I dunno. He works at the pharmacy," Thomas grimaced.
"I didn't mean that. I mean, he's gotta be the dumbest fuck I know- he mixed up my allergy medicine with those Good & Plenty candies, stupid asshole," Marcus scoffed.
"That's not nice," Sarah slapped the tabletop.
"Sorry, Mom...," Marcus pouted.
"What I don't understand is why they're choosing people who don't work on the sales floor. They're picking people from departments that don't require you to sell the card," Thomas shook his head.
"I guess this is where the blond gay guy wants to see how competent management really is. He got his answer," Kristy folded a gum wrapper between her fingers.
"Red, who are you going to pick?" Matt said.
"I could give a rat's ass. I'll give a $10 gift card to whoever wants to be my 'partner'. You don't even have to sell cards. This is just to humor Matt," Izzy droned.
"Seriously? Again with the attitude," Matt huffed.
"No takers?" Izzy frowned.
"$10 doesn't even get us a coffee anymore," Mimi whined.
"That's because you like to make so many modifications! Add 7 pumps of caramel, light ice, half oat milk, half almond milk, cold foam on top, sprinkle with cinnamon sugar. And that's just your Monday order," Kari shuddered.
"Whatever...how about $25? That's as high as I'll go. Otherwise offer's off the table and I'll just pick one of you at random," Izzy threatened.
"I'll do it," Koji smirked.
"No! Pick me!" Zoe stretched her hand out.
"I said it first. He has to pick me, it's the law," Koji said.
"But I'll actually sell a store card! You'll just be an ass the entire time!" Zoe retorted.
"Zoe, I appreciate the enthusiasm, but like I said, it's not needed," Izzy shook his head.
"Haha, he's picking me," Koji smirked.
"Zoe, your full name is Izumi, right?" Izzy asked.
"Yeah, why?" Zoe bit her lip.
"Great. You can take my place. Our employee numbers are transposed by two numbers, home office probably won't even notice. You and Koji can work together. I'm not entertaining this," Izzy threw his fake name tag at Zoe and put a new one on.
"I have to work with him?!" Zoe gasped.
"I have to work with her?" Koji huffed.
"Hey, you guys don't have to work at anything. Again, I don't expect you to sell any cards, you're only placeholders for me," Izzy rolled his eyes.
"Really? In front of me?" Matt frowned.
"What?" Izzy blankly stared at him.
"Ugh, whatever. I got my teams...not we're off to the greatest start since some management doesn't like to take initiative," Matt shot a look at Izzy.
"I'm not management. I just do their work for them," Izzy waved his hand dismissively.
"Well..., most of your supervisors will work side-by-side to help you sell our store card our customers, because we're all in this together! Okay?" Matt smiled.
"If we say yes, will you leave?" Davis yawned.
"In just a moment! Just so we can be more successful, I brought over a video that will help you refresh your memory on our store card and give you selling tips that we can watch now," Matt popped a DVD in the projector.
"Ughhhh...," the breakroom groaned in unison.
Sales Floor
"You and me, me and you...we're going to make an incredible team!" Tai put his arm around Henry.
"Hey, we actually made T-shirts for you guys," Rika smirked and held up a candy heart-patterned shirt that said "Say Yes to Hentai" across the chest.
"We got the shirts from the Valentine's clearance, and we used a Beetil screenprinter from the returns to make these. You like?" Ryo tugged on his shirt.
"I do...I like how resourceful and innovative you guys are. If only you were like this with your actual job," Tai remarked.
"Eh," Rika shrugged.
"I really like this shirt. Shows team spirit! So I assume that means you're rooting for us to win?" Tai beamed.
"Most definitely! After all, who wouldn't say yes to hentai?" Ryo smirked.
"Ugh...," Henry groaned.
"Here! We made them for you and we've got plenty more to hand out. Maybe you can even give shirts out to anyone who signs up for a card," Rika mischievously smiled.
"That is a great idea! See, if you put your mind to it, you can reach amazing goals!" Tai put his hands on his hips.
"Don't be fooled, they're just being trolls. They're only doing this because they want people to wear shirts that say hentai on it," Henry shot Rika and Ryo a dirty look.
"And what's so bad about that? Be proud of our team name!" Tai shouted excitedly.
"Yeah...well, gotta head back to service desk but if you get any sign ups, tell them to come to us for the free shirt," Rika smirked.
"You got it! Thanks, you guys!" Tai grinned.
"Of couuuurse!" Ryo nodded.
"Ugh," Henry shook his head.
Pharmacy
"Come on, Joe! You need to be more confident!" Yolei smacked him on the back.
"Heh, you're preaching to deaf ears. He can't even sell crank to addicts," Daigo chewed on a lollipop.
"Please don't make me goooo...what's the point anyways when everyone is wearing shirts cheering Tai and Henry on anyways?" Joe whimpered.
"What?!" Yolei growled.
"Oh, is that what that is? I just thought today must have been 'Show Me Your Fetish' day or something. I left my 'Let Me Suck Your Toes' shirt at home," Daigo shrugged.
"Ew," Yolei frowned.
"Just so you know, feet are a perfectly normal fetish to have. You see, the the feet and your nether regions share-"
"No thank you! I didn't come here to learn!" Yolei cut Daigo off.
"I'm just saying...also, I think it's fun when girls wear toe rings," Daigo sucked on his lollipop.
"Joe, let's go!" Yolei pulled Joe by the wrist.
"I don't know what's worse. Staying with Daigo or going with Yolei...," Joe gulped.
"We have to figure out how these people are getting these shirts!" Yolei said as she stormed through the aisles, dragging Joe along with her.
"Can't you just ask someone?" Joe whined.
"That is a great idea!" Yolei flicked him on the forehead. She stormed up to a customer and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey you! Where did you get that shirt?!"
"Oh, that tall guy with the bushy hair gave it to me for signing up for a store card. Isn't that cool?" the customer smiled and pointed at Tai.
"He did what?" Yolei gritted her teeth.
"Yeah! You can get one too! Just go up to him," the customer grinned.
"I think I will," Yolei frowned and stormed off.
"Uh, thank you?" Joe nervously smiled.
"Hey Big Hair! What the hell are you doing?!" Yolei barked at Tai.
"I'm getting things done. What are you doing, other than scaring Joe?" Tai haughtily said.
"You can't bribe people to sign up for cards with shirts! That's cheating!" Yolei yelled.
"No it's not! Other stores give away free shit when you sign up! We're just simply doing the same thing," Tai shrugged.
"I want my own t-shirts to give away too!" Yolei grunted.
"Uh, I guess talk to Rika and Ryo about it? They're the ones who made these shirts?" Tai shrugged.
"What?!" Yolei exclaimed.
"You see, they believe in us. They think the rest of you are lameeee," Tai made his fingers in an L-shape on his forehead and stuck his tongue out.
"Ohhh, best believe I will be talking to those little trolls! Joe, come on! We're heading to the Service Desk! Yolei snapped.
"Coming...," Joe whimpered.
Bakery
"Ugh, I can't get anyone to sign up for our stupid card," Zoe took her chef hat off and flung it on the table.
"Maybe it's because you reek of desperation," Kouichi nonchalantly said as he decorated a cake in icing.
"Kouichi! Wait, you are Kouichi, right? Not Koji?" Zoe squinted her eyes.
"Yep, that's Kouichi. But he's right...you have this frantic and desperate look and it's freaking people out," Takato frowned.
"Why do you even want to sell these stupid cards anyways? Izzy said he doesn't even care," Koji rolled his eyes.
"It's the principle!" Zoe slammed her fist on a butcher's block.
"Normally, I would let you do you, but this is retail we're talking about. It's not that serious," Koji scoffed.
"But there's a $500 prize at stake! Do you know how many hours we have to work to earn $500 hours?" Zoe exclaimed.
"Something tells me there has to be a catch with that," Takato frowned.
"Well, first of all, you have to consider that they'll probably take out about half of it in taxes, so that will leave you with around $250. Then you have to split it in half with Koji since you're technically working as a team, so in the end, you'd get $125-ish?" Kouichi said.
"Wow. When you put it that way...," Zoe grimaced.
"Look, we're going to be fine. Remember, we still get $25 gift cards just for doing nothing, and that's a lot better than working your ass off trying to beat Tai and Henry as they spread hentai through the store," Koji smirked.
"I suppose you're right," Zoe sighed.
"By the way, I swiped some hentai shirts if you guys want some. Just thought to take up the opportunity," Koji held up some shirts.
"Cool," Takato shrugged.
"I guess why the hell not," Zoe grabbed a shirt and put it on over her clothes.
"Nice to see we're working as a team," Izzy sarcastically flashed everyone a thumbs up and walked past the cake displays.
"See, he's supposed to be the team leader and he does not care. He's wearing a Team Hentai shirt too for Pete's sake," Koji smirked.
"Ugh...," Zoe huffed.
Service Desk
"And as a thank you for signing up for a store card, here is your free shirt! Hope you enjoy it!" Ryo smiled to a customer.
"Thanks! Bye!" the customer grinned and walked away.
"Hey, you trolls!" Yolei stomped up to the counter.
"What?" Rika stared at her blankly.
"What's the big idea of you two helping Tai sell the store cards?! Make me my own t-shirt too!" Yolei growled.
"If it's not too much trouble?" Joe stammered.
"Shut up, Joe! Either be aggressive or stay invisible!" Yolei hissed.
"Ummm...we would love to make you shirts, but what's in it for us?" Rika hummed.
"What?! What do you mean 'what's in it for us'?" Yolei mockingly said.
"You see, there's operating costs involved. You know, it costs money for the material needed, and don't forget our labor! And we know our worth, so we don't come cheap," Ryo nodded.
"Ugh! You guys are so ridiculous! I'm not paying you guys jack! Joseph, let's go!" Yolei barked.
"Okay...I feel like you spent more time dragging me across the store than you did actually trying to sell the cards," Joe whimpered.
"Joe, what did I say?!" Yolei growled.
"Okay, I'll be invisible," Joe sighed.
Cash Wrap
"Would you like to sign up for our Cloud 9 Rewards Card?" Angie nervously said.
"No thanks," a customer shook her head.
"Okay!" Angie smiled.
"Nuh uh uh, what did we cover in the training video this morning?" Matt stood behind her.
"Sorry Miss...," Angie sighed. "But if you sign up today, you'll save 20% off today's purch-"
"I'm buying a goddamn toilet brush! What, I'll save $2?" the customer yelled.
"Are you sure you don't want to sign up?" Angie winced.
"Stop asking me that! I already said no! I had it here, forget this!" the customer threw the toilet brush at Angie's head and stomped off.
"Eeep!" Angie ducked out of the way.
"Tsk, tsk, tsk...usually that always works. I think maybe you're just really off-putting and uncharismatic," Matt sucked his teeth.
"Or maybe you're completely dense and out of touch," Angie grumbled under her breath.
"By the way, technically the customer didn't outright say no three times, so you'll have to ask her again...," Matt tapped his pen at a clipboard.
"What?! But she already left!" Angie gasped.
"You'll never get any applications that way. Now go! Catch her before she leaves the parking lot," Matt clapped his hands.
"You're joking," Angie looked at him in disbelief.
"I'm in corporate, I don't have time for jokes away from the water cooler. Now go! Shoo!" Matt said.
"I'll go to the parking lot, but I'm not coming back...," Angie muttered.
End of Day
"I have to say, I'm impressed with these numbers! You guys not only outdid yourself, but you outdid the best store in the district! I guess me coming here has a positive impact on you, I should visit you more often!" Matt smiled.
"NO!" everyone yelled.
"The only reason people signed up for the stupid cards is because Tai and Henry were giving out free shirts that said 'hentai' on them! If my credit wasn't already shit, I would have signed up too!" Marcus scoffed.
"Hey, on the house! Catch!" Ryo tossed a shirt at Marcus.
"Sweet! Thanks," Marcus smiled.
"Is that why everyone was wearing those? I thought it was 'National Pervert Day' or something," Matt shrugged.
"That's what I said!" Daigo exclaimed.
"Hey, what's so perverted about Hen-Tai? I think it's beautiful!" Tai put his hands on his hips.
"Heh heh heh...," the breakroom giggled.
"Tai, do you know what 'hentai' means?" TK raised an eyebrow.
"Yes! It expresses the bond that me and Henry have!" Tai slapped his hand on his chest.
"Heh heh heh heh," the breakroom laughed amongst each other.
"Please leave me out of this. I didn't consent at all," Henry groaned.
"Tai? I need you to look up the meaning of 'hentai' right now," Kari bit her lip.
"Did someone already steal my wor...oh. Oh. Oh! What the hell?! Hentai is a real word?! And it's a real word for t-t-t-that?!" Tai pointed to his phone screen.
"Yes," Henry pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration.
"So is that why people signed up for our card? Because they're all perverts?" Tai gasped.
"Nah, some were probably just trolls," Izzy shrugged.
"Speak for yourself. I'm a proud pervert. I'll take any kind of feet, even cartoon feet. Who wants to draw a commission of me sucking Mimi's toes?" Daigo smirked.
"Ew, aren't you old?" Mimi winced.
"Alright, let's shut this down!" Izzy yelled. "I really don't care for any rules, but effective tomorrow, everyone must wear non-slip, closed-toe shoes. It's in the dress code for obvious safety reasons, and now thanks to Daigo, we have other reasons. People who break this rule will have to buy a pair of appropriate shoes or get docked a day's pay. Understood?"
"Yeah...," everyone nodded.
"Booooo!" Daigo yelled.
"Well, I think we're done here!" Matt slammed his hands on a table. "Besides, Team Hentai didn't get first place!"
"If Tai and Henry didn't get the most signups, who did?" Yolei asked.
"Oh god, Zoe... you didn't. Please tell me you didn't," Izzy groaned.
"Nah! We broke her spirit before it was too late," Kouichi yawned.
"The winner of this competition is Ken from Cafe Europa! Let's all give him a round of applause!" Matt beamed.
"Ken?!" everyone gasped.
"Oh my god, Is that why it took you even longer to ring up people's orders than usual?!" Kari's face turned purple in rage.
"You think it would be weird that people didn't ask why I wanted their social security number or their yearly income just for ringing up coffee. If you ask in a certain way, they don't even notice they're giving up private information. I learned that from Wells Fargo," Ken shrugged.
"Unethical, but I like it! Well, here is your prize! It's a $500 gift card to Panda Express," Matt smiled.
"It looks used," Ken flipped the card through his fingers and frowned.
"Oh, because it is! I think there's like $7 left on it, but the gift card was worth $500 once upon a time. Congrats!" Matt smiled obliviously.
"See, aren't you happy you didn't kill yourself over this dumb contest?" Koji whispered to Zoe.
"Oh, before you enjoy that prize Ken, I have to make some deductions, for tax purposes...," Matt pulled a calculator out from his blazer. "Hmm, divide by two, multiply by 0.7...and Ken, you just have to pay us $175 in taxes."
"What? I have to pay $175 because I won a $7 gift card?!" Ken gasped.
"But you see, it was worth $500. You see that little number printed at the top corner of the gift card?" Matt smiled.
"You're joking, right?" Ken looked at him in disbelief.
"Like I just told one of your colleagues, I'm too successful to joke around!" Matt haughtily said. "So, how would you like to pay your taxes? Cash, card, or a deduction on your next paycheck?"
"How about none of the above?! I don't want this gift card anymore!" Ken gasped.
"But it's too late. You already accepted it!" Matt said.
"Aren't you glad you listened to us now, Zee?" Kouichi whispered.
"I guess you guys are right. There's always a catch," Zoe sighed.