A/N: Trigger Warning for Major Suicidal Themes
"I…" said Gretchen, dropping her eyes for a moment, "I don't understand it myself. But that's where I was. I was seeing….living, a version of Starfleet Academy. With you. We were actually friends, believe it or not," said Gretchen, looking up and then away, "You actually seemed to like me."
"I do like you," said Kathryn warmly, coming a step closer and touching her arm.
Gretchen startled and took a step back, looking down.
Too soon still. She's trying.
"Well anyway," finished Gretchen awkwardly, "That's where I was."
After a moment Gretchen looked up again, eyes guarded, "I don't suppose you remember?"
"I don't think it was me," said Kathryn before she thought. Gretchen flinched and she continued, "I mean…I suppose it was an impression of sorts. What was it like?"
"It was a Vision Quest," said Gretchen, holding her gaze now, "But not like any I've ever heard of."
"I had…..no idea what happened after your trial." said Kathryn gently, internally shuddering, "I was asleep."
It annoyed Kathryn greatly, that she had been where she couldn't do anything.
I hate feeling helpless…..I hate being helpless.
Kathryn breathed in deeply, shaking her head a little, "But you seemed…..better after I woke up. Then we were back on Voyager and I thought you needed space. That you would talk about it when you were ready."
"It was terrible….." said Gretchen slowly, looking away again, "Being stuck in that cave…..and it might have turned out differently…..I don't understand why Kh'thoh didn't warn me," she said suddenly, voice bitter, "I don't understand why he did it."
Kathryn felt her body shudder again.
"Or I do understand…..and it isn't pleasant to think about," Gretchen added, softly, still looking away.
"It was his culture," stated Kathryn flatly, voice deepening as she went on "A culture of death."
Gretchen looked at her for a second, and then looked away again.
I don't want to…..but I have to…..I have to tell her the truth.
...I can't risk her not knowing.
Kathryn took a long deep breath. The hardest breath she ever remembered taking. It ached in her chest as she exhaled.
She remembered long dirty hair...turning in her bed to avoid seeing the stars.
Her entire body ached.
"Gretchen," said Kathryn firmly, waiting until the younger woman looked her full in the face, "You asked me if I ever wanted to escape."
Kathryn paused for a moment, feeling her throat tighten, "Are you ready to hear the answer?"
Gretchen nodded, looking at her intently, and Kathryn paused again, debating how to start.
You can't put this off any longer Kathryn. Just speak.
"You know I suppose," said Kathryn, in her strong Captain's voice, after a few long moments of silence, "Some cultures refuse funeral rites to people who die by suicide."
Kathryn continued as Gretchen said nothing, "It's meant in a lot of ways as a deterrent, to really burn into people's minds that suicide is wrong. Kh'thoh wasn't a member of my crew and he left no will. I could've denied him a funeral. But I didn't, do you know why?"
"Because of me?" asked Gretchen, in a small voice, staring forward.
"Partly," answered Kathryn, finally, "But no. Because of me."
Kathryn gestured to the couch, and then found herself replicating a coffee out of habit. She did not drink it. It was warm, but her hands felt cold. Her chest felt hot and tight. Her scalp itched.
Kathryn shifted a bit, and looked out the window as her voice became distant, "You asked me if I'd ever wanted to escape. The answer to that is yes."
"I wanted to escape" Kathryn twisted her fingers, and looked down for a long moment, "You know I struggled after my father and John died. You know I took a leave of absence from Starfleet. That Phoebe had to physically pull me out of my bed. But that's not everything….."
"I'm going to tell you something I don't like to speak about..." Kathryn's words came out with uncharacteristic pauses, "I probably would have told my father if…..well that's the…irony…..isn't it?"
She fidgeted again and looked away.
"So I'm trusting you with this now," said Kathryn, finally looking back and catching Gretchen's gaze, "It's hard for me to talk about, still. And I didn't think it would help you before….I thought it would make it worse. But I think now that you need to know…Just in case you think someday that Kh'thoh was right. I want to tell you," said Kathryn, a painful tightness in her voice, "So you'll remember."
"I'll remember," said Gretchen, solemnly.
"I'm going to tell you a story," said Kathryn, suddenly dropping her voice, "You're only the second person, and I didn't give him the full details. But I'll tell you. Anything you ask. I'll tell you."
The words felt sacred to Gretchen.
Because you're my daughter and I owe you the truth, went unsaid between them.
The younger woman turned to Kathryn, every feature intent and absorbed.
"I felt like you did, once," said Kathryn, slowly and evenly, "More than once, but there was one time I nearly did something about it. I was about your age."
"You know the story," Kathryn sighed, wanting to look away, wanting to stop, but pushing forward instead.
This is too important.
"I had the choice," said Kathryn, gulping down the tightness in her throat, "Between saving my fiancé and my father, and I couldn't choose. They both died in that accident. And I wanted to die too, Gretchen," said Kathryn, holding her gaze vulnerably now, "I hid it, but I did."
"I think," said Gretchen, softly, but a bit ironically as Kathryn paused and breathed in deeply, "That Phoebe probably figured it out when she drug you out of bed after a few months."
Kathryn laughed slightly, a nervous self-deprecating laugh, "That's not….that's not exactly what I mean," said Kathryn, looking away for a moment.
"I told you the truth. I told you the truth Gretchen," said Kathryn, trying to get through it, "I told you the truth when I answered you about why I went on after John and my father died. It just wasn't quite the whole story…."
Kathryn paused again, breathing in deeply, "After the accident," she said slowly, "I kept going until the funeral. Go, push through," she said nodding sharply, "You know my mantra," she sighed, not holding Gretchen's gaze, suddenly almost lost in the past.
"Planning the funeral took about a month," she sighed further, "My mother wanted it really nice, and also for me to recover a little beforehand. And I faked it…..I did."
"And then after the funeral, as soon as everyone left, the night after Phoebe went back to art school…..when it was just my mother and me in the house…and he wasn't there…..I just….I remember going up to my room, and falling on my bed…..and then I don't remember anything…for weeks."
Kathryn looked down, the tears were forming and she rubbed her hands convulsively.
You must make it through this story. She must understand.
Kathryn breathed in and out, trying to calm herself.
"About two weeks later, I woke up. I was in the shower, my mother had insisted I think. I was in the shower, and I fell to the floor suddenly, and just screamed. I clawed my arms and legs and I felt like I was trapped in my body, I knew what I had done…..and I was trapped there…everything hurt, and I could barely breathe and nothing would ever make it better. There was a razor on the sink, and I had to really stop myself from thinking about using it. I was hysterical I told myself, I recognized. Hysterical and I should stop."
Kathryn gulped, "My mother didn't know…..but she made me come down and eat something. And when I got back to my room, I just stared at the door. I very specifically remember sitting on my bed…and thinking for the first time, exactly how I would do it. It was this calm, very methodical voice in my head that was planning it."
"I wasn't hysterical anymore," said Kathryn, looking at Gretchen, "You know I suppose that the law recognizes a difference between killing someone in the heat of the moment, and premeditated, cold blooded murder. Well…" she said, looking away again, "I had passed reckless homicide and gone straight for real murder."
"I think," said Gretchen slowly, "That you were past hysteria."
"Could be," said Kathryn, not wanting to stop, she could not stop, she would never be able to speak of this again.
"I had plans you know," continued Kathryn, pushing through, "I'd always been bright. I'd always been bright, I knew I could find a way to kill myself, and make it look like an accident."
"I would use," said Kathryn, looking down at her hands, "I would use all that wonderful knowledge, all that beautiful science that my father spent endless hours pouring into me…..I would use it in a way that he would've hated….."
Kathryn's eyes began to water and her voice wavered, as she continued to stare at her hands, "I would bring another tragedy on the woman who loved me most, who grew my body in hers, I would make her watch that body be ripped apart…...And the little girl who was raised at my side…..I would make her stand alone…I would turn their love back on them, make everything I was eat into them like acid into steel."
"I knew what I was doing Gretchen," said Kathryn calmly, staring at the wall, "I knew what I was doing, and I was going to do it anyway."
"I doubt it," said Gretchen, pushing back, "Why did you try so hard to make it seem like an accident? If you didn't care. If you really didn't love them back anymore?"
Kathryn shook her head, she must get through this story.
"I had my plan," said Kathryn softly, staring again, at the cold, dark metal of her bedroom, "I was going to engineer a lightning strike…I was terrified of storms…..so it made the most sense to go out that way…if I was going to murder Kathryn Janeway, it might as well be in the most heartless way possible."
She gulped, "I went out one night, I'd been doing that for about a week, snuck out of my window, so my mother wouldn't see. I was very close to done. The next night I knew it would be ready. It was storming…..terribly. I remember how afraid I was, and yet how I felt nothing…..all of that wind and rain and thunder."
"Suddenly I fell," said Kathryn simply, "Suddenly I fell…..and I felt like I had died. I slipped down in the mud…..I can still feel it, my feet sinking into that mud, I tumbled down a cliff in the middle of the forest where my father used to take me on walks…it was a steep cliff, I thought I was going to die…..I remember the rocks and the dirt and the brittle plants catching on my skin….."
"And I passed out," said Kathryn, turning to Gretchen, "I passed out….it seems like it was a lifetime…..it seems like I saw something when I was dead, like I was running, like I fainted again and again, like I lived a whole lifetime while I was out. I don't remember anything,"
She gulped, showing the fear on her face, "I don't remember anything Gretchen, but it feels like I lived an entire lifetime while I was lying in that mud."
She clenched her fists, and looked down, breathing in and out, "But I wasn't dead Gretchen. I opened my eyes back up, exhausted…..and after a moment, relieved."
"I was looking up, at the cloudy night, rain falling on my face, stars just visible, and I realized what I had almost done. That was almost the end to my story….the Inferno."
"I can't believe you almost killed yourself," said Gretchen, eyes wide, "What did your mother say?"
"I never told her," said Kathryn, softly, "I went back to my room, climbed into my window, and cleaned myself up. I was still depressed…..but no longer suicidal."
"Phoebe came back from college a week and a half later, and dragged me out of bed, as you know. And I was forced to start living again. I had to learn to take care of myself again. To take care of my body, the one I almost threw away. To wash my hair, to eat….even when I didn't want to. To leave my room, and exercise…..to try to fall in love with life again, to love being Kathryn Janeway, alive and embodied in this universe."
"I'll never forget it," said Kathryn, clenching her hands, shaking with emotion, "Staring up at those trees, on that black, cloudless night. A desolate, lonely place."
"Like the Wood of the Suicides...in Dante," said Gretchen.
"Yes," breathed Kathryn, "Permanent Hell. Hopeless and beyond help."
Kathryn breathed in and out for a long moment, and then turned to Gretchen, voice stronger, "Maybe you know now why I believe so strongly in second chances. On the idea that people can change. Where there's life there's hope."
Gretchen looked away suddenly.
"And maybe beyond that. Who am I to say?" added Kathryn quickly.
Gretchen looked at her.
"I saw your father you know," Gretchen said frankly after a moment.
Kathryn dropped her mug, and stared as it tumbled to the floor and broke.
"Oh….!," said Kathryn, in confusion, looking at the floor and then back up, "What?"