"Visit to a Weird Planet"
Dr. Who/The Muppets Show by Susan MM 2,174 words
Yes, I know thistitle has already been used for a rather famous Star Trek story, But A, it fit this story so well I felt obliged to follow the reuse/reduce recycle rule. B, titles can't be copyrighted, and C, if we had any respect for copyright, I wouldn't be writing fanfic and you wouldn't be reading it. Standard fanfic disclaimer: based on characters and setting created by someone else, or several someone elses, and used without their permission just for fun. All characters will be returned to their original owners either unharmed or suitably bandaged. Grateful thanks to the BBC, Lord Lew Grade, and especially to the mad and marvelous Jim Henson, for inspiring this bit of silliness. I hope it amuses you. I don't own Julie Andrews, either; the Thirteenth Amendment would make that illegal. Nor do I own Pret a Manger, McDonald's or Rodgers & Hammerstein. Or Roger Whittaker. (Just building sandcastles on someone else's beach.) Please don't sue: I'm flat broke. Warning: crackfic.
The Tardis.
A six foot tall blue rectangular box materialized backstage. A few stagehands and performers stared but did not swear. They'd seen odder things in this theater.
A furry purple whatzit with a long, crooked nose rode a unicycle, whilst juggling six big red apples.
"Careful, Gonzo, you'll run into that whatever-it-is," warned a pig with long blonde hair, wearing a lavender evening gown.
The wheel of the unicycle bumped into the big blue box. Gonzo dropped his apples. One hit Miss Piggy in the head. The others fell to the floor.
"What is that thing?" Gonzo asked. "What's it doing there?"
It says police on top. Maybe it's for Bear on Patrol, Link and Fozzie's police sketch," Miss Piggy suggested.
A black stripe near the top, just above the windows, said Police Public Call Box in clear, neat, white letters. A white lantern sat on top of the box.
A middle-aged woman of stately beauty stepped out from behind some scenery.
"It's an old-fashioned police callbox. I haven't seen one in years," she said in a gentle English accent.
"Julie, dear, what is a police callbox?" Miss Piggy asked.
"In the old days before mobile phones, people could use these kiosks to call the police in an emergency. Or the police station could notify constables on patrol they were needed, by flashing the light on top. They could serve as a temporary mini-office, if necessary. A Bobbie could fill out paperwork in the field," Julie said.
"Clever," Miss Piggy approved.
The white light atop the blue box flashed. The door opened. A pretty young woman stepped out. Her raven-black hair, dark eyes, and light brown complexion betrayed her Pakistani heritage. She stared at Julie and Piggy. "OMG, she said in a Yorkshire accent. "Julie Andrews and Miss Piggy!" She turned her head and called back to someone in the box (although it didn't look big enough to hold more than one person at a time, "Hey, guys, you'll never guess who's out here. Dame Julie Andrews! And Miss Piggy."
Dame Julie Andrews
"Julie Andrews? " a man's voice repeated behind her.
"Ask her if there's a Pret a Manger* near here?" a second male voice could be heard asking.
"Or a pub," the first man's voice asked. "I'm famished."
The blue door opened wider and three people stepped out: an older Caucasian gentleman (how dressed), a young Black man, and a woman with odd taste in fashion.
the Doctor in her 13th incarnation
"Sorry, neither," Julie replied. "There is a McDonald's across the street. Or if you're feeling brave, you could get the Swedish Chef to make you some lunch."
The Pakistani woman looked around. "Miss Piggy, Gonzo? And the Swedish Chef? We must be on The Muppets Show!
"I love the Muppets," the young Black man said.
Ryan Sinclair
"Of course, who doesn't love the Muppets?" asked the blonde in the rainbow striped shirt and yellow suspenders holding up blue trousers, all under a gray overcoat.
"But the Muppets are real?" The older man asked quietly.
"Graham, haven't you learned by now that Reality is mostly a matter of opinion?" the blonde asked.
Miss Piggy extended her arm to the younger man. "Always so nice to meet a fan. I, of course, am Miss Piggy. And you are?" He shook her hoof. He wondered if he should kiss it, but feared that might lead to a demonstration of pork fu.
"My name's Ryan Sinclair. This is my grandad, Graham O'Brien, and our friends, "Yaz and the Doctor," he introduced.
Yasmin Khan
"Did you say Dame Julie?" I'm not a dame," Julie Andrews said.
"What year are we in?" Yasmin Khan asked. It's easy for travellers to lose track of the day of the week. Time travellers often lose track of the year, or the century.
"What are these apples doing on the floor?" Graham asked. "Think anyone would mind if I washed one off?"
Graham O'Brien
"I wouldn't," Julie advised. "Around here it's tough to tell what's safe to eat, or who's a fellow performer."
"The apples chose that moment to begin singing, "Yes, we have no bananas. We have no bananas today."
"I see what you mean, ma'am," Graham said. "I'll wait until we can get to McDonald's to eat.'
"Thank you," one of the applies replied.
"Julie, dear, did you want to rehearse for our duet now?" Miss Piggy asked. "Which song did you want to do? Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious?"
"Oh, no, I've done that one so many times, that if I had a ha'penny for every time I've sung it, "I could afford a Caribbean cruise. There's a song I rather liked from a show I was in years ago. It wasn't one of my songs, and it isn't song you'd normally get to do, Piggy, dear. You'd never be cast for either of the characters who sing it, but it's a cute, funny song."
"Which song?" Miss Piggy asked again.
" 'The Stepsisters' Lament,' from Cinderella. Do you know it?"
"I've heard it, of course, but I don't have it memorized."
"Well, of course, you haven't. You wouldn't need to," Julie assured Miss Piggy. "Yoou'd never be cast as one of the stepsisters."
"Moi, no, " Piggy agreed in French. "But it is a cute song,"
"Do you want Portia or Joy?" Julie asked.
"I thought the stepsisters were Prunella and Esmerelda," Yazmin interrupted.
"That was in the remake. They were Portia and Joy in the version I did," Julie corrected her.
Scooter, the theater's gofer hurried by, a script in one hand and a cup of coffee in the other.
"Scooter, did you give Rowlf the sheet music I asked you to?"
"Yes, Miss Andrews. Excuse me, I have to take this to George the janitor." He hurried off. He turned around and came back ten seconds later. "Who's playing the patient in Veterinarian's Hospital?" Scooter asked. "I have your script."
"May I do it?" Yaz asked. "I've always wanted to do a Muppets skit." She recited the intro to the skit from memory. "Veterinarians' Hospital. The continuing story of a quack who's gone to the dogs." She stretched out the word 'continuing' to more syllables than it usually had.
"Go for it," the Doctor urged her Companion. "Everyone deserves a dream come true."
Scooter handed Yasmin the script without any arguments or questions.
Hilda, the wardrobe mistress got Yasmin a hospital gown to put on over her clothes. Graham helped her up onto the hospital bed.
Miss Piggy dashed up to her dressing room to change into her nurse's uniform.
A moment later, the curtains were pulled back, revealing a stage set up like an operating room.
The announcer's voice came out of midair :"And now, Veterinarians' Hospital. The continuing story of a quack who's gone to the dogs."
Rowlf the Dog, in white hospital scrubs for his role as Doctor Bob, asked, Well, Nurse Piggy, what seems to be the patient's problem?"
"She says she seems to be losing her memory,' Piggy replied.
"When did that happen?" Dr. Bob asked.
"When did what happen?" Patient Yazmin replied.
"We'd better make sure she pays her bill in advance," Dr. Bob quipped.
"Dr. Bob," asked Nurse Janice, "what happened to the patient last week who tripped at the sawmill and fell into the circular saw? Remember him, he cut away the entire left side of his body?"
"He's all right now," dr. Bob assured her.
"That's all for this week," the announcer's voice came out of mid-air again, "Join us next week when we hear Dr. Bob say, 'Did you hear the head of the dermatology department was fired? He was making too many Rash decisions.' "
"Same bat-time, same bat-channel," Yazmin couldn't help reciting.
"No, no,." Nurse Janice shook her head. "That's Warner Brothers. We work for Disney now."
"Speaking of Disney," Dr. Bob added. "Why did Elsa refuse treatment for her nose and throat? He paused a moment before answering his own question. "The cold never bothered her anyway."
Dr. Bob patted Yasmin's cheek gently. "Excuse us, my dear. I have an appointment with a piano and Nurse Piggy has to go get changed."
Piggy smiled, waved, and left. She returned from her dressing room a minute later in a green velvet gown with a hoop skirt. A golden curtain rod ran through the sleeves and across the shoulders.
"You know, Miss Piggy, my friend Carol Burnett has a dress just like that," Julie observed.
"Not anymore she doesn't." Hida the wardrobe mistress corrected her. "Her wardrobe lady lost it to me in last week's poker game."
Wearing an absolutely splendiferous sequined blue ball gown, Julie followed Piggy to Rowlf's piano.
"Why would a fellow want a girl like her, a frail and frothy beauty? Why can't a fellow once prefer a solid girl like me?" Miss Piggy sang.
"Why would a fellow want a girl like her, a girl who's merely lovely?
Why can't a fellow once prefer a girl who's merely me?"
"What's the matter with the man? What's the matter with the man?" Piggy and Julie sang in unison.
"She's a frothy little bubble, with a flimsy kind of charm
And with very little trouble, I could break her little arm.
Why would a fellow want a girl like her, so obviously unusual?
Why can't a fellow ever once prefer a usual girl like me?"
"What's the matter with the man? What's the matter with the man?"
Backstage, Gonzo approached Graham quietly. "Did you say you wanted to go to McDonald's?"
"That, I did," Graham confirmed.
"I'll take you over, Gozo offered. "It will give me a chance to practice my new act: dipping chicken nuggets in barbeque sauce in rhythm to John Philip Sousa."
"Do you really think your audience is sophisticated enough to appreciate an act of that caliber?" Graham asked.
Gonzo shook his head. "Probably not. Our audience is too plebeian."
"You want to save something like that for Covent Garden," Graham suggested.
"Maybe." Gonzo agreed.
Ryan, Gonzo, and Graham went out the theater's back down and over to McDonald's. The Doctor stayed behind, being Gallifreyan, she didn't need to eat as often as an Earth-human did. Yaz stayed behind to chat and sing with Janice. They were pleased to discover that both were Roger Whittaker fans.
"There's a ship lies rigged and ready in the harbor.
Tomorrow for Old England she sails.
Far away from your land of endless sunshine
To my land full of rainy skies and gales.
And I shall be aboard that ship tomorrow,
Though my heart is full of tears at this farewell,
For you are beautiful, and I have loved you dearly,
More dearly than the spoken word can tell."
The Doctor joined Janice and Yasmin for tea and biscuits.
"Music, tea, and biscuits, this is like visiting Elrond," the Doctor declared. She quoted, If more of us valued cheer and song above hoarded gold," it would be a merrier world."
"It would be" Janice agreed.
"We've had a lovely time, but we really ought to go." The Doctor gathered up her fam, as she called them, and led them back to the policebox. The box dematerialized.
Kermit stared. "Scooter, when did our special effects budget double?"
"It didn't," Scooter replied.
"Where to next, Doc?" Graham asked.
"If reality is just a matter of opinion, can we go to Rivendell?" Yazmin asked.
"No, but we can go to Oxfordshire," she replied.
"Plenty of good pubs in Oxford," Graham declared approvingly.
Ryan nodded. University towns always had good pubs.
"We could stop by the Babe and Bird," Yasmin suggested. "That's where Professor Tolkien and the Inklings used to meet for a pint."
Graham O'Brien smiled at the thought of a nice pint and good English pub food. Shepherd's pie, fish & chips, steak and kidney pie, toad in the hole, maybe a ploughman's lunch. Good solid food that didn't try to strike up a conversation with you.
The Tardis, as usual, had its own opinion and rematerialized two or three centuries later, on Ganymede, one of Jupiter's moons. Unfortunately, as the Doctor and her Companions were in the swimming pool at the time, none of them were dressed properly to meet the Jovian colonists.
Janice of the Electric Mayhem
The Great Gonzo