Two Years Ago

He'd never been to one of these places before.

Not outside of the job anyway and he hadn't thought it would feel different, but it did. Felt more like a failure, like it was his fault his friend had ended up here, like if he'd just paid attention he would have seen the signs and been able to pull him back from the edge. How hadn't he seen it? He knew the fucking signs, not just because the job demanded that he did but because he'd dealt with a situation like this once already, the few months after his discharge from the military when Greg had still been in Michigan. When he'd been calling him at 3am, unable to sleep and trying to get his approval to take just one more pill. He'd gotten Greg off them, helped him turn things around and that had been from states away.

How had he not noticed his friend who sat two damn desks away?

"Name?"

For a second just blinked at the woman with the clipboard, someone who probably didn't miss anything, then gave her an awkward smile. "Uh, Jay Halstead. Here to see Antonio Dawson."

"Oh Tony. That's great. He hasn't had any visitors except this older gentleman- I'll go tell him you're here."

At least Voight was keeping an eye on him.

Part of Jay wanted to be angry at his boss for missing this too but he knew that wasn't fair- all of them had. But he was still going to blame himself the most. After all, none of them had known Antonio longer than him.

"Jay."

A decade of friendship and he hadn't seen he was in trouble.

But he could see he didn't want him here.

"I told Voight I didn't want-"

"He didn't tell me." He spoke quietly, there were other… patients around and he didn't want to disturb them or make a scene, and thankfully Antonio's pointed finger slowly lowered. "He wouldn't. So I found out myself."

"You didn't have to come. I'm going to be out of here soon-"

Again he cut Antonio off but this time it was with a hug that was as much for himself as it was the other man, which was maybe why he returned it so quickly. It didn't last long, neither of them were great with vulnerability but his friend was more relaxed when they pulled back and when he motioned for Jay to follow him to the back garden he went. Pretty nice for a rehab facility, at least the ones he'd seen.

"What did he tell the team?"

"That you're taking some time to get yourself today."

Antonio huffed but nodded, his hands slipping into the pockets of his sweatpants as he looked around the yard. "You know I'm going to be okay."

"I do. But it's okay if you aren't right now. The only-" He cursed silently as the words got caught in his throat and it didn't help when his friend noted that and tried to push.

"The only what? Jay, I swear if you're going to get all sappy-"

"I should have seen it. And I'm sorry I didn't. I'm sorry I wasn't there. I should have been-"

"No you shouldn't have." Antonio said firmly, shrugging before he turned to look at him head on. "I hid it. And that's on me. No one but me."

He wanted to accept that, but he couldn't.

They all hid their shit but a good friend was supposed to see past that. A good friend was supposed to push, to check in and not accept things at face value. They were supposed to pay attention and he hadn't done that. Not for Antonio, not for Greg.

Not for Lydia.

"Something else you want to talk about?" Antonio asked gently but though his friend gave him a pointed look he shook his head- he couldn't make up for past mistakes.

But he could try to avoid making them again.

"I'm going to be here, alright? Through the rest of your treatment, and after- if you want you can crash at my place, or I can take the couch at yours, whatever you need, I'm-… what?"

He could see in the way the other man looked at him that something was wrong; there was too much love.

Too much remorse.

"I'm not staying. Once I'm out of here… I talked to Gabby and I'm going to go stay with her. Eva and Diego are both in college now, Laura's off doing her own thing, my parents are… My parents. There's nothing keeping me here."

There's nothing keeping me here.

No.

He supposed there wasn't.

"You remember what I said when I took the job at the D. A's office?"

He did, he'd never forget but it wasn't until Antonio bumped his shoulder that he swallowed enough to repeat them. "That seeing the cop I'd become made it easy for you to take the cop."

"The cop and the man." He said seriously, looking so proud it was a wonder Jay didn't start crying; who else knew his journey from a traumatized former soldier to nervous rookie to detective in the city's top unit better than the man who'd trained him? "And it's the same now. I don't want you carrying my mistakes. And I don't want you thinking it's easy for me to leave. It's not. It's just-"

"It's what you've got to do."

Antonio nodded and after a moment of silence that was full of everything they couldn't say they pulled each other into another hug. Jay promised he would be back, he was going to do his best to make the most out of the time he had left with his friend, but he still had to take a minute after he jumped back into his truck to scrub his face. Just like that, another person was gone from his life. At least he wasn't dead, he couldn't handle anyone else dying but he was leaving their unit. Leaving Chicago, and Jay was starting to wonder if he had the right idea. If maybe this city was cursed. It was easier than thinking he was, but either way he couldn't help but wonder if his friend had it right. When Tess had asked him if he would ever want to join the agency he had been so sure in his response that what he wanted was to build a home here, but what had he accomplished?

He had no family save for Will and it wasn't like his brother needed him around, not when he was building his own family. He barely had any friends, just his team and as much as he loved them, as fulfilled as he was by the job… They only did so much to fill the void inside him. If he was honest, the only reason he was still here was to keep a promise. To stay.

To be the home others could return to, no matter how lonely it made him.