One Year Ago

"It's okay." The gun lowered as he stepped back into the room, slowly, Angela was wincing just as much as he was, a combination of the blood in his eye and the pounding at the back of his head but it was okay. "It's over now."

He knew before she did it what was about to happen, heard the rage and the agony in her ragged breath and wasn't surprised at all when the gun raised again.

When she pulled the trigger and the bullet tore through his shoulder.

Jay was glad.

It hurt, like a mother fucker, and he didn't enjoy the panic in Hailey's voice or the horror on her face when she found him, the guilt and grief on Voight's or the worry on the rest of his teams as he was carried into the ambulance. He didn't like thinking that the paramedics who were trying to keep him alive may blame themselves for failing, didn't like the thought of leaving his brother behind, making him not just an orphan but truly alone. The thought of the blame he would put on himself if he didn't make it was what had him holding on when the darkness at the edges of his vision began creeping closer but that wasn't something he had any control over. And when the last of the light disappeared from his eyes, all Jay felt was relief.

There would be no more pain, no more doubt, no more promises to keep, one else to fail.

He would be free.

But he wasn't. The light came back, slowly, and the first thing he felt when he realized it was annoyance. He hated hospitals, hated all the bright fucking lights and the needles and knives, scalpels as Will always corrected as if that wasn't just the word for little knife, hated that constant fucking beeping, always so close to his- wait. There was no beeping. No humming or droning, no scratchy or flimsy sheets under or above him, there was… nothing. He was standing in… nothing. Was this supposed to be heaven? Or purgatory? Or maybe Tess had been right and none of them were real and this was just the best his brain could muster as he died, one final reminder that he really was alone.

'Oh my sweet boy.'

Well there was enough of him left to know that he didn't turn, he just suddenly found himself facing a different direction. Facing his mom. If this was a vision it was the best one he'd ever had because she looked so real, exactly the way he remembered her, not when she'd been sick but as he'd known her his whole life. With that big, broad and knowing smile, the rebuke in her eyes just as strong as the love.

'It's not your time sweetheart. You need to go back.'

'I don't want to. I want to stay with you.'

'Listen to your mother.'

There wasn't any breath in his lungs but he made the action of letting it out anyway, stunned to see his father at her side, though he shouldn't be. Before she'd died that was where he'd always stood.

'Your brother needs you.'

'No he doesn't. He never has.'

Fuck if that wasn't the exact scowl his father had given him in life.

If it didn't make him want to stay here even more.

'I'm sorry. For what I said-'

'You were right.' His father said simply, though he rolled his eyes when his mother began smirking. 'I'm sorry I ever made you feel like I wasn't proud of you. I always was. I still am.'

'Then let me stay. I don't have anything to live for anyway.'

It would be just like him to hurt his parents even in the afterlife, the pain and guilt on their faces so strong he felt his heart clench in agony, a wave that rippled through him. A shock, trying to pull him back to the land of the living. But he'd meant what he said. He'd done his duty, saved as many people as he could- what was left for him?

What was he good for if not a soldier, not a cop?

What did he have to offer?

'Would you go back for me?'

The new voice confused him, as did the woman who popped up next to his mother, the raven hair and ocean eyes so familiar whatever he was standing on shook. He would know that face anywhere, except… it wasn't the face he knew. It was different. More laugh lines than he was used to and as he looked at the man next to her Jay realized it wasn't Tess in front of him.

It was her mother.

Her parents, both smiling softly at him, sadly as he looked for the next person, the one he owed the largest apology to.

'Lydia isn't here. And neither is Tess.' Her mother said softly, such a gentle look, such a Tess look that his heart ached again. Jolted.

Another shock, trying to bring him back.

Did he want to go?

Part of him didn't, he wanted to stay here where there was no pain, no guilt. But the other part… the one that remembered his brother's embrace, both of them, remembered his Sergeants pride and his teammates banter, his loves smile…

I'm coming Ranger.

Wait for me.

He could hold on a little longer. For them. For her. For himself. For the life he still believed he could have.

This wasn't the end.