Fun fact: I wrote this in 2022 but never got around to editing it!
It's completely written tho so don't worry.
Three chapters and an epilogue.
This one is personal to me because I put a lot of personal thoughts and descriptions of emotions. It gets dark, but there is light at the end of the tunnel!
This first chapter is written entirely in Captain's logs.
Please enjoy!
~TH~
Captain's Personal Log Stardate 2263.5,
Life in the twenty-third century is good. Almost perfect in many aspects. Our technology is greatly advanced. More planets are unified than not. Medicine seems to have done everything but cure the common cold. But one thing this near Utopian future doesn't seem to have is privacy. Oh there is the illusion of such, but is it truly there?
Maybe it's just the fact that I'm a Starship Captain, but I know that privacy doesn't exist. I have- had access to the information of every member of my crew, down to what they watched on their PADDs.
Personal logs are supposed to be just that, personal. A private piece in an overwhelmingly public life. But even that was an illusion. A cruel one.
One leak and my most private thoughts were accessed by a madman. And now they most certainly will be used against me in my Court Martial. My private doubts will be displayed before not only the tribunal but my own officers. My friends.
For months I have hidden my turbulent thoughts from those closest to me. Even Bones doesn't know the full extent of my self doubts. Now there will be no hiding them.
I suppose that's what brought me here.
I've always loved books. The stories and knowledge in them, yes. But while reading on a PADD is useful, it has nothing on the feel of an old Earth book. Holding the words on printed paper has an almost magical feel. So when I saw the leather bound book with faded blank pages, I knew it was my answer. My way to feel at least some privacy. No one can pull up my logs on a database. No one can leak them. No one even knows I have this book. No one knows and no one will. This is mine. My thoughts in a place that no one can use against me.
Even Bones. If he knew. If he knew what I was really thinking he'd remove me from command. Friend or no, he takes his medical oath seriously. And I already fear that he will take what is released in my logs too seriously.
But honestly his concerns seem almost valid at this point.
I have no doubt I could still pass a psych eval. It's not even difficult, something I've always been able to force. But what I currently feel… it's a darkness I can't quite make tangible.
I am responsible for the death of hundreds of crewmen. Some of them my own personal friends. And now they are dead. They are dead. My ship is destroyed. And tomorrow Starfleet decides what my punishment should be.
I suppose it's less of what the punishment is and more of if I'm guilty of negligence. If I could have done anything different to save even more life. I'm sure there is. There has to be. Such a total loss of ship and crew is inexcusable.
Spock and Bones are convinced that I did all that I could. But I don't believe in no win scenarios. There had to have been something he could have done. A step he missed. A miscalculation. I keep running over the course of events but
If they strip me of command and ground me I'll be getting off easy.
"It's only a formality" my command team keeps saying. But even if it is, then what? If I am found not guilty will it erase any of the guilt I feel myself? If all of the worlds unanimously decide that I am not guilty will it change the fact that I know that I am?
But if I am found guilty- if they confirm what I already know then how am I expected to live with that knowledge? The knowledge that my crew knows that I am at fault. For the tribunal to decide without question that I am solely responsible for the death of hundreds. Of daughters and sons and mothers and fathers. Three-fourths of my crew is dead and that as the Captain that responsibility is mine.
It's times like this where I miss Pike even more. He'd know what to do. He always did.
I can't help but think that- to wish that- I had followed in my father's footsteps and gone down with my ship. It would have been better for everyone. Whether I was remembered as a martyr or a hero wouldn't matter. I would be dead and they could debate all they wanted but that fact wouldn't change. I would be dead instead of being crushed by this weight of responsibility. This knowledge that I failed them. That I failed my beautiful ship and all those on board.
And if the judgment is passed tomorrow and I am found guilty of what I already know then there will be no honor to preserve. Without my ship, without the stars around me or my friends by my side then what's even the point?
I have several of McCoy's migraine hypos. He's constantly warning me of the dangers of taking too many at once. If things go the way I see them going, I'll finally put the warnings to good use.
Captain's Personal Log Stardate 2263.6,
I was found not guilty on all accounts. I celebrated with my crew. They threw me a surprise party. I turned down the offer to be an Admiral.
I truly love my crew. I know that they love me.
And yet, if anything, I feel worse.
Captain's Personal Log Stardate 2263.10,
Everyone seems to be adjusting. It seems that I'm the only one still hung up on the losses. It makes me angry. But at this point I feel almost numb. As if nothing will make me feel again.
It's a different numbness than before. That was from the episodic feel of life. The boring ins and outs of life on a starship.
But this? This feels as if there is a hole in the pit of my soul that steals every spark of feeling in the matter of seconds. As if a blank inky thing lived there, stretching its tentacles further and further until every inch of myself is covered. There's no escape from it or its ink of apathy.
Everythings back to normal. I have my life back. So why do the hypos stare back at me offering
I should talk to Bones, or even Spock, but I can't afford to sabotage my career any more than I already have. And I don't want them to worry. I'm sure they have enough on their minds as it is.
I'm sure I'll be fine.
I have my life back. (And yet over four hundred crewmen don't. Maybe that's the problem.)
Captain's Personal Log Stardate 2263.20,
I passed my psyche exam. I'm officially fit for duty.
It's laughable.
Captain's Personal Log Stardate 2263.25,
I'm an embarrassment. Had a panic attack today. I was fine and then suddenly I couldn't breathe. Like being sucked into space without a suit.
Luckily no one saw. If they did it would lead to questions. Questions that I can't answer.
I've lost weight. Can't bring myself to eat.
I know Bones is worried.
If only I could pull myself together enough to care.
(And maybe a small part of me wants him to notice so he can help.)
Captain's Personal Log Stardate 2263.32
Tomorrow will make a full Terran month. A month of them being dead and me being here.
I think maybe I should fix that. I can't bring them back but maybe
Captain's Final Log Stardate 2263.33
When this book is inevitably found I wanted to leave a word of explanation. I know it does not justify what I am about to do, I will die in dishonor. I'm prepared for that. But I can't not leave something.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry to the people who care about me. To the people I tricked into thinking I was worth it. I was a loner and then I was suddenly not and I liked it. I liked not being alone. But all it did was hurt you. And I'm sorry. Hopefully this will give you some closure.
Chekov, You're a smart kid and I know that you have a big heart. Let Scotty train you. Keep soaking up knowledge like a sponge. Smile like only you can. Keep that enthusiasm and confidence you had when you were seventeen. Russia should be proud to claim you.
Scotty, You kept my ship going until the last second and I thank you for that. Without you the ship wouldn't have made it past our first year, much less to three. You've always gone above and beyond for me and for our girl. Take care of this new one for me. I know you will. You love Her just as much as I do.
Sulu, I want you to be happy. Whether you decide to continue on your mission or stay on Yorktown I know that you will do it with your whole heart. You have skills and I know that you are going to do great things. If you stay in the 'Fleet, keep working on the command track. Maybe you'll get the privilege of captaining the first family oriented starship.
Uhura, Guess you were right once again, huh? I'm an idiot who never should have graduated from Starfleet. An Iowan troublemaker who will never amount to anything. But you were my friend when I didn't deserve it. You're one of the most brilliant officers I've ever had the pleasure of meeting and I know that one of these days you're going to make an amazing captain. Way better than I ever was. Keep going. Fight for Women's place in the stars. And take care of Spock. We both know he feels a lot more than he lets on. And I'm not sure exactly what's going on between you two, I'm not sure if you even know, but what I do know is that he cares about you. Take care of him for me, okay? He's going to need you.
Spock, I know you feel more than you let on, and yet I can't help but hope that in this instance you won't. Turn on all the Vulcan switches that you have to and realize that for me this was the only logical course of action. But know that this has nothing to do with you. You were and still are the best First Officer in the 'Fleet. I didn't deserve you. I know that wherever you're stationed next you'll outshine once again. And I know you never wanted to be a Captain, but just know that if you change your mind, the Enterprise-A couldn't find a more qualified one. However I think that totally-not-girlfiend is working on passing you up. Watch out for that. And watch out for her. Don't be afraid to go to her with this. She gets it and she won't blame you for your human side. And while I never quite figured out the relationship between you and Bones I know you care about each other. Take care of him and please let him take care of you. And remember that logic is important, but it isn't everything. Don't be afraid to get in touch with your human side every once in awhile. And as Old Spock would say, You have been and always shall be my friend.
Bones, I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say to you. You were there from the day I entered the Academy. Two screw ups with nothing left. But we found something. And I want you to keep finding something, okay? Remember your daughter. She's still on Earth and she loves you and you love her. Joanna couldn't have a better dad and never forget that. Just because Jocelyn doesn't know how to use her big girl words doesn't mean that you shold cut yourself off from the happiness that you deserve. Do what you think best. If you want to continue in space, go for it. If you want to go home, know that I support it. Just be happy my friend. I know that you're thinking you should have seen it. But you couldn't have. I didn't want you to. It's not on you it's only on me. You did everything you could. You noticed more than anyone else. Don't blame yourself for it not being enough. I'm sorry for putting you through this. I never should have left the Bridge. And maybe someday you'll find it in you to forgive your best friend one last time for being such an idiot. And don't take care of others so much that you neglect yourself. And don't drink yourself to death. And please at least try to be happy. Spock is going to be a mess even if he doesn't show it. Help him if you can. And if you can't, well it's just one more thing to lay on my account. I love you my friend.
And to all of you, I truly am sorry. But this is just me fixing what should have happened a month ago. Just another knot in the timeline that I have to unravel.
I wish you all happiness and the best of lives,
Your friend,
Jim
~TH~
This fic was inspired while reading the first chapter of Touching the Impossible by Kscribbler. All of her stuff is fantastic!
I remembered that I had this sitting in my drafts after reading Beyond Laryngitis by EvangeliaMerryl so check that out to! (Both on Ao3)
Next chapter is from Bones POV.
Let me know what you think!
Much love and God bless,
Jamie