Hopefully this is a much more acceptable wait time lol.
It took me wayyyyy to long to edit this but hey what are days off for if not for spending hours editing a single chapter of a fanfic?
Anyway lol, please enjoy!
~TH~
Spock of Vulcan did not enjoy the sensation of emotions. Despite what many thought, his adherence to Vulcan ideologies was not simply due to his upbringing though that did play a large part. Had he wished to choose the way of the humans he could have, it would not have put much more of a strain on his Vulcanian relationships as he had by simply being half human. He chose the Vulcan way because it was the way of logic. He did feel, as all Vulcans did, but he had the added disadvantage of a half human side. This made those emotions stronger and less manageable than those of full Vulcan descent.
In this exact moment Spock wished more than anything that the assumption was true and that he felt nothing.
That he did not feel grief. And sorrow. And confusion. And fear.
The one thing he did not feel was the death of Jim Kirk. He was familiar with that sensation. Jim was not Vulcan and it was rare to have such a bond outside of his species. But he did. And he felt the human's death just as strongly as he had his mother's.
But he did not feel that now. His friend was likely alive. But whether or not his captain had done any damage to himself was still unknown.
He could not lose Jim again. It would destroy him. It would destroy all of them.
It would be the final breaking point for the remainder of the crew.
And the fact that this time his death might have been intentionally sought out. The fact that none of them had even noticed. The fact that they had all been so wrapped up in their personal grief that they had neglected to ensure that the Captain? It was… inexcusable.
As first officer, it was his duty to ensure the wellbeing of the Captain both mentally and physically. It appears he has failed in all aspects.
He refused to allow himself to fly off the handle as he had once done with Kahn. He needed to ensure his calm and logical side won out. If he lost control of his emotions now it could seal his captain's fate as well as his own.
"Spock-" The voice cracked across his heightened senses. He resisted the urge to step away and separate himself from the doctor's devastated voice.
A quiet whoosh halted any words. The Vulcan's eyes turned to meet the doctor's as hope sparked between them. McCoy did not wait for anything more, rushing out of the room with the urgency of a red alert.
Spock followed, hesitancy tampering his own excitement. He had watched his captain die once. He could not do it again. And yet he would stay by his side until the end regardless of what that end might be.
His eyes fell upon Jim, leaning heavily in the doorway with head resting against the wall. The blanched skin seemed to penetrate down into the hand which gripped a black, standard issue Starfleet bag. The captain's face was nearly translucent, wide eyes blinking open before darting between his friends.
"Bones?" Even Vulcan hearing could only barely make out the whispered word.
The response was immediate, the dam of grief that had risen between them crumbling under the weight of a single spoken word. The doctor came forward, gripping his friend's shoulder and offering a light shake.
"What did you take?" McCoy's voice was harsh. A trained ear could hear it was due to distress more than anger. His hand slide down Jim's sleeves, searching for a pulse as the captain's hand released the bag. "How much? How long ago?"
The captain did not answer, allowing his head to fall into the doctor's shoulder. "Jim," The voice was strained, barely controlled tears warring with the panic as he returned his grip to the captain's shoulders. "I need to know what you did."
Kirk shook his head without lifting it. Spock was sure that he heard a sob, but it was such an alien idea. Not that Jim wasn't one of the most emotional humans that Spock had ever met. He was. But the captain burned hot. Anger and joy and an occasion deep seeded grief that manifested as apathy. Not this cold, broken, hopeless display of emotions.
"Nothing." The choked admission came. "I didn't take anything. I wanted to," He brought his head up to face his friend. "Bones I wanted to, but I couldn't do it."
And for the first time in over a fortnight Spock was pleased by an emotion. The relief that swept through him momentarily appeased his human half and returned the equilibrium of his Vulcan side.
"Alright. Okay that's good, Jim. That's really good." The doctor soothed, his southern drawl portraying his relief. "It's gonna be alright." He ran a hand up and down his friend's back, using the other hand to cup the back of the blond head. "I've got ya now."
The captain's head fell forward again, quickly followed by the rest of his body. Spock was over in a moment, taking the captain's weight off of the doctor.
"Put him on the bed." McCoy ordered.
The Vulcan nodded silently, gathering the captain in his arms and gently carrying him into the connecting room. McCoy had entered into doctor mode, checking Jim's vitals the old fashioned way before pulling out his tricorder. A frown was etched into the man's face. Relief in finding the Captain alive being replaced by concern. Mental and physical struggles having been left too long unattended.
"Dang it, Jim." He sighed, placing the tricorder on the bedside table and running a hand down his face.
Spock's curiosity and concern spilled over into verbal questioning. "Doctor?"
"He's weak. Malnourished. I'd like to know the last time he ate. Or slept."
"Is he in danger?"
"Yes… no… not immediate danger." He sighed. "I'd say we caught him just in time. Give it another week and-" He trailed off, the reality of what had nearly transpired resurfacing. "Physical needs aside, Jim's made it clear that the physical isn't what we need to be focused on. This is all just… physical manifestations of what is going on in his head. I should have-"
"Doctor self incrimination will be of no benefit to the Captain." Then in a softer tone he added, "If Jim had wanted you to know, you would have." Even as he said the words, Spock knew that self forgiveness would not come that easily. His own guilt working to overcome him senses. This situation was unacceptable. Someone should have noticed. He should have noticed. Jim had always been there for his crew but when the reverse was needed they had all failed.
The personal logs revealed at the Court Martial spoke of an already unstable man. Intervention should have come before now.
McCoy was muttering to himself, typing something into a PADD with one hand, the other holding Jim's wrist to keep a constant monitor on his pulse.
"What is our course of action, Doctor?" Spock queried, searching for the proper protocol and finding the results untraceable. Such attempts by starship captains were rarely unsuccessful. Had he been fully human, Spock would say that Lady Luck had once again smiled upon the young captain and his crew.
"I don't want to move him to the clinic. He wouldn't handle that well. And we can't tell the rest of the crew. Not yet at least."
"Do you intent to write up an official report?" Protocol said yes. Spock's rebellious human half said no.
McCoy looked up. "Not yet. Maybe… maybe later. But we can't afford a leak. It would," He glanced back down at his friend. "It would destroy whatever's left of him."
"Agreed."
Spock watched the first person he had ever considered a friend. The breaths were shallow but present. His skin was so pale he nearly matched Spock. Jim's face was relaxed, and Spock realized that it was the first his Captain had looked so since coming to Yorktown, since the beginning of their five year mission, since Khan. Guilt once again pulsed inside the Vulcan, taking all of his facilities to keep it properly buried.
"I'm requesting some medical supplies." McCoy interjected his thoughts. Likely rambling more to himself than to the first officer. "I'll have to go pick it up, I don't want it delivered."
A wise decision.
"It is more logical for me to obtain the supplies. You should remain here."
For once, McCoy didn't argue, simply nodding and returning to his PADD.
"Okay, that should be-" the doctor was interrupted by a groan from the bed. Both sets of eyes immediately turned to their friend who jerked violently before coming into a half raised position.
"Jim?" McCoy dropped the PADD to the bed, once again reaching for his patient's wrist.
The Captain sat up, breaths quick and irregular.
"Jim, it's me. It's Leonard. You're safe. You're in your quarters."
Spock did not point out that these quarters were not only temporary, but likely far from comforting.
The only response offered was a groan before falling back onto the bed.
"It is… relieving to find you awake, Captain." Spock made his presence known, coming over the doctor's shoulder.
"What… what are you guys doing here?" Resignation had replaced the hysteria of earlier.
"We were worried, Jim." McCoy snapped, concern fueling concern. "What did you expect? We haven't seen you in weeks."
"I've been busy." The Captain muttered looking as if he wished to melt into the mattress.
McCoy softened with a sigh. "I know. We all have. But if… you should have come to me."
The tears had returned to the captain's eyes, making a trail when he closed his eyes.
"I know.. But I… I couldn't do it Bones. I had it all planned out. I was going to… but I couldn't do it."
A silent sob shook the body of the youngest person to ever captain a starship. Spock once again realized that this was in fact a boy. Barely out of Starfleet Academy. He was brilliant and rash and a superb captain, but he was still only a boy. In many ways Spock could relate. It is often forgotten that while pressure can turn coal to diamond, too much pressure will cause the diamond to vaporize.
"That's good, Jim." McCoy's voice reoriented Spock to the conversation. "That's good. It means we can get you help."
"I don't want help."
"The fact that you couldn't do it proves that's not true."
"Bones I just… I"m tired. You would all be better off if-"
"That is highly illogical." Both heads turned towards the Vulcan, surprised at the interruption. As if they only now realized he had been privy to the entire conversation.
"Spock?"
"The idea that the doctor, myself, the crew, or anyone else in this, or any other, universe would be better off without you in it, is highly illogical."
"I-"
"And while I am by no means an expert in feelings, I would suggest that yours are being spawned due to an overtaxed body and mind, it would be beneficial to accept Doctor McCoys assistance. I have found him to be surprisingly adept in dealing with such problems."
Spock waited for a response but the silence in the room remained. He was unsure who looked more surprised, Jim or McCoy.
"Spock?"
He had no desire to share his innermost thoughts and doubts. But the captain was a friend. His best friend. If he could offer any assistance at this time it would be an equitable outcome.
"The loss of my planet was a different kind of hurt, Jim. I could not deal with it on my own."
Jim's eyes widened in horror. It was an unexpected reaction.
"Spock, I'm so sorry I hadn't even considered-"
"Please, Captain, that was not my intention. I simply wished to offer the fact that I do in some capacity understand how you feel. And I have found Dr. McCoy proficient in his job as doctor and counselor."
"Jim, this isn't easy. It won't be. But let me help." McCoy continued, offering only a fleeting approving glance at Spock.
It looked for a moment as if the captain would refuse, causing brain to calculate other avenues of persuasion. In the end it was unnecessary, Jim sighed, scrubbing a hand over his face.
"It doesn't feel like it will ever get better."
"The pain may never go away, but you will heal Jim." Spock attempted to offer assurance by using the Captain's name. To remind them both that they were not only fellow officers, but friends.
"Okay." The captain said, pushing himself up off the mattress. "Okay. I'll let you help. But-"
"We won't do anything you don't' want." McCoy promised. "So long as you never try anything like this again."
"Okay." Jim relented,
The Captain appeared exhausted. Spock decided it would be best to leave and allow the Doctor to tend to his patient in private.
"Stay?" The request was accompanied by a hand grasping his sleeve. A look of embarrassment crossed the captain's face as he dropped his hand back onto the bed.
Spock did not ask for clarification. He simply changed course, pulled out the desk chair and sat. The request caused no hardship upon him. He would stay by his captain now and forever.
~TH~
Hopefully you all enjoyed that! I have one more very brief epilogue I'll probably post either later tonight or tomorrow.
Please let me know what you guys think!
I try to end it with a bit of hope but without being unrealistic.
Much love and God bless,
Jamie