Usopp writes in to AITA.
AITA for faking a tangerine intolerance and forcing our cook to make separate meals for me? My job requires me to spend long stretches of time out on sea where I lead a crew of the most bloodthirsty pirates you could ever have the dire misfortune of meeting. And even if you did meet us, you surely would not live to tell the tale!
I have a trio of monsters at my disposal, ready to do my bidding, barely contained beasts only I can control. Luckily, they consider me their God and view me with an equal mixture of fear and respect. I only need to snap my fingers and just like that, the Rubber Monkey will launch you into the sun! I snap on my other hand and my pet demon will slice you into nine thousand and two pieces before the sound even leaves my fingers. I snap my toes and my chef will marinade and flambé you with his devil foot!
Where was I? Oh, yeah, my tangerine intolerance. For years, decades even, I've had to eat tangerine flavored everything because our navigator (who has an embarrassing crush on me. I've told her so many times that I already have a beautiful fiancée, but Nami will not stop touching and grabbing me. And the outfits she wears! I get it! You got boobs. Congratulations and good luck with those when you're fifty.)
Where was I again? Right, tangerines and Nami. Well, a long time ago, back when giants walked through the four seas like they were just big puddles, our crew came across a couple of nearly dead bounty hunters. I was just about to crush their skulls between by thumb and pointer finger when my pet demon begged me for their lives. On his hands and knees, he told me this tale of how they were old friends of his and could I please, please, please spare their lives.
Since my pet demon had proven to be a most loyal companion, I agreed. That is when I took a closer look at the two men. I quickly diagnosed them with scurvy and instructed Nami to squeeze some fruit into their mouths. Naturally, she listened to me and the two men were immediately cured. They both offered me their undying allegiance, but I said I would take it under consideration. I have to be honest, neither one of them struck me as particularly smart or capable.
As intelligent and foresighted as I typically am, I must admit I underestimated how much this incident impacted the impressionable navigator. After I rescued her from a life of indentured servitude to the Arlong Pirates (You may have heard of them. I personally gave Arlong a filleting he'll never forget!) she dug up a bunch of tangerine trees and planted them on my pirate ship.
Given the traumatic nature of the events she had just experienced, I granted her this indulgence. This was a mistake. Not only is my chef weak to womanly wiles, he's also a cheapskate. He reuses everything! He says he cannot let any food go to waste. He even feeds my Rubber Monkey and pet demon the scraped barnacles from off the side of the ship.
Between Nami's overblown fear of scurvy and my chef's bizarre obsession with not wasting food, there are tangerines with every freaking meal! Tangerine flavored syrup for the pancakes, tangerine peels in the tea, and tangerine slices on the meat dishes. Every single meal has tangerines in it! Sanji will grind up the seeds and mix the powder in with the salt for "added nutrients."
Blech! Added bitterness is more like it! I used to like the smell of citrus but now it makes me want to hurl.
Even with my tremendous brain power, I was at my wit's end. That was until we had a guest aboard, a cold-hearted surgeon who said he couldn't eat any bread due to a gluten intolerance. This gave me the brilliant idea of feigning a tangerine allergy. The very next time we were served tangerine juice for breakfast, I discreetly smeared one of my hottest peppers over my lips and began (fake!) crying.
"It burns! It burns! Oh, calamity! I think I'm allergic!" I wept the biggest, wettest tears. Several landed on an unlucky mouse under the table and drowned him, I'm that good of an actor.
Our doctor (a young human reindeer who had been locked in a tower by a powerful witch and guarded by carnivorous rabbits) declared that I was no longer allowed to eat tangerines. Oh, what sweet relief! My other crew members were clearly jealous - or even more jealous of me, I should say, because they all gave me the stink eye. But I forgave them for my heart is as large as my courage.
From then on, the chef prepared me special, separate meals from the rest of my crew while I pretended to be sad about it.
Lately, though I've been feeling the teeniest, tiniest bit guilty. The Rubber Monkey has had to eat a larger portion of the tangerines. He's starting to smell like a nice brand of floor cleaner. And the chef is spending more time in the kitchen instead of sparring with me to hone his skills. He's probably missing me, his mentor and role model.
So, AITA for making Sanji go to all the extra trouble?
picomediano • 10/04/2014
NTA. Doesn't your cook know that too much vitamin C can give you stomach issues and diarrhea? But faking an allergic reaction is both cowardly and an act of fraud. Your story is not doing you any favors. You should have just stood up to your cook and your navigator, looked them square in their faces and told them the truth. I mean, what were you afraid of? Just be a straight shooter, man.
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