Six Years Ago
He wasn't ever going to forget that noise. It had been so soft he'd barely heard it, her quiet intake of breath nearly drowned out by the agony that filled his own heart. It would have been better if she'd screamed, cried, raged, anything else because that little hiccup and those slow, agonized nods as she realized the truth, that what they'd all told themselves wasn't going to happen had… That was going to haunt him for the rest of his life. As was imagining the horrors she had been forced to endure. But worst of all would be wondering, knowing, that he could have done something to prevent it. That if he'd just shoved down his pride, pushed past his fear and called Tess…
He might have been able to save Nadia.
Logically he knew the only one who bore any real responsibility for her death was Yates but that didn't stop his self-loathing, especially when he looked at the desk across from his and saw it empty, felt the now familiar pang of wishing Erin was there. That she had let him comfort her instead of shutting down and shutting him and Voight out, shutting out everyone, even though that was exactly what he did. Even though he had no right to want to be beside her. What would she think, if she found out he'd had a way to find Nadia and hadn't used it?
That was easy.
She would hate him.
Jay hated himself. There was no guarantee Tess would've picked up, not out of spite, he was sure of that much but whatever was keeping her away, the fight to find Lydia's killer, the fight he had shamefully, regretfully sat out of… He really fucking hated himself. And Nadia, the feisty but kind, quietly clever and even more quietly hardworking young girl who had already endured so much and still managed to turn her life around… Even knowing there was no guarantee Tess would have been able to do anything even if she had answered, or that the timing would have worked out if she had, for the chance that Nadia might not have had to suffer the vile things that had been done to her… Jay was going to hate himself for the rest of his life for not taking that chance. For not telling Erin the truth, and for knowing even now that he never would. That he would never make that call no matter how many times he dialled the number.
He hated himself for being a coward. Because that was what he was. He was a coward for keeping a woman he cared about in the dark, for letting a woman, a girl he could have protected down. And he was a coward for not going after Tess, for not getting justice for a woman he had considered a mother, for not letting Greg talk about either of them. For hiding them because he was too weak to deal with his grief. And he was a coward and a bastard for missing Tess while at the same time falling for Erin, for wanting both of them in his bed knowing only one of them had his heart completely.
It made him pathetic that he was still thinking about her, wondering where she was, if she was okay, if she was even alive. If she still loved him. If she thought she was a coward for leaving them the way she had.
He did.
Jay was so fucking mad at her for leaving like that, for telling them Lydia was dead like that, for not letting him be in that fight. For deciding that he wasn't good enough to be in it. And worst of all he was mad at her for being right about it. Which was why as pissed as he was he was angrier at himself. Because when it really came down to it, it was all his fault. His fault he hadn't been checking in on Lydia often enough, his fault Tess hadn't felt like she couldn't come to them, his fault for not talking to Greg, for not talking to his team, to Erin. His fault Nadia was dead. He could still see her conspiratorial grin as he'd been signing Erin's birthday card, how insistent she'd been about surprising her, so set on paying her friend back for all the help she'd given her.
She would have made a hell of a cop.
Certainly one of the bravest.
She would have. And now every day he walked into the 21st he would look at her memorial stone and know that she would never get the chance to be. And Jay would never forget that it was his fault she wouldn't be.
His, his, his.