The Adventures Of Ed, Ted And Crystal Ball

"Yes, it is I!" Captain Cobra posed. "The one and only defender of Cobra!"

"Okay then," Cobra Commander pressed on. "COBRA Care…"

"We already have copies of paperwork in our systems," Xamot spoke up.

Tomax added. "It's just a matter of rewording and rewriting a few paragraphs."

"Technically," Xamot thought. "We could just use our old Cobra health plan as a template."

"Update it and seamlessly incorporate it with the right programs…" Tomax added.

"We could have this done by the end of the day," Xamot and Tomax said as one.

"Captain Cobra can help!" Captain Cobra spoke up. "By forcing those evil germs into submission!" He posed some more.

"Riiiiiiggggghhhtt," Zartan remarked. "Say Captain Cobra aren't there any heavy boxes that need lifting or something? Torch! Monkeywrench! Show him!"

"Okay," Torch patted Captain Cobra on the back. "Come on Mate. Let's go drink some grape sodas and work on our bikes. Or just drink grape sodas."

"Okay!" Captain Cobra said cheerfully as he left with the two Dreadnoks.

Cobra Commander sighed. "Now that the children have left the room we can continue without distractions!"

"Cobra Commander," Wild Weasel walked in carrying a box. "Package for you!"

"So much for wishful thinking," Zartan groaned.

"Package?" Cobra Commander did a double take. "We're on a secret island in the middle of the ocean! Who would possibly send a package here?"

Wild Weasel looked at the box. "It says Amazon."

"That tracks," Destro remarked.

"Okay fine, put it down," Cobra Commander waved. Wild Weasel did so. "That will be all."

"Don't I get a tip," Wild Weasel asked.

"Here's a tip," Cobra Commander snapped. "Don't ask for one! Go!"

Wild Weasel sighed as he left. "That job flying stunt planes is looking better and better."

"I wonder what's inside?" Zarana remarked.

"Only one way to find out," Cobra Commander started to rip the box open.

"Commander!" Destro cautioned. "Are you sure that's wise? For all we know it could be a bomb designed to kill…You know what? Never mind. Go ahead."

Cobra Commander opened the box. "What the…?"

"Hello!" Crystal Ball called out.

"Oh, for the love of…" Cobra Commander took out Crystal Ball and put him on the table.

"Huh. It's not a bomb," Destro remarked in a disappointed tone. "Shame."

"Maybe next time?" Zarana quipped.

"Can we send him back?" Blood Wing quipped.

"Where the hell were you?" Cobra Commander asked Crystal Ball.

"Uh I kind of sold myself on E-Bay for fifty bucks," Crystal Ball admitted. "Found some new owners."

"Someone paid fifty bucks for you?" Cobra Commander asked. "What were they? Idiots?"

"Pretty much," Crystal Ball admitted. "It started out pretty good. You see what happened was…"

FLASHBACK TO A WEEK AND A HALF AGO!

Two teenage boys opened a box. "Greetings dudes!" Crystal Ball spoke up. "Yup! You got an actual crystal ball! Call me…Crystal Ball. Not original I know."

"Dude…" One said to the other.

"Dude…" The other nodded.

"You can just call me CB," Crystal Ball added. "Or some room service. Whatever. So who are you guys? And where the hell am I?"

"I'm Ed and that's Ted," The first teen spoke up. "And we're at Ted's house in Sherman Oaks. That's California."

"Cool," Crystal Ball nodded. "Now who wants to party?"

FLASHFORWARD!

"Ted and Ed?" Cobra Commander blinked.

"You were bought by two teenagers in Sherman Oaks California?" The Baroness asked. "It sounds like a bad Adult Swim cartoon."

"It didn't start out so bad," Crystal Ball admitted. "Started out pretty fun."

FLASHBACK!

"Time for some righteous partying dudes!" Crystal Ball called out. Somehow, he was wearing sunglasses.

"How?" Ted asked. "Can you get us beer or something?"

"Uhh…." Crystal Ball thought for a moment.

FLASHBACK!

Ed was holding Crystal Ball up to the face of an owner of a bar. "These boys are over twenty-one," Crystal Ball used his hypnotic powers. "And you're buying drinks for them!"

"Okay…" The owner blinked.

"YES!" Ed and Ted cheered.

FLASHBACK!

Both Ed and Ted were in the principal's office at school. Crystal Ball had finished hypnotizing their principal. The principal made an announcement. "Attention students and faculty! Classes are canceled today because we need to party! Break open the soda machines! All sodas are free! And now some music!"

The principal turned on the radio to some hit songs and started to jam. "You guys might want to record this," Crystal Ball remarked to the boys. "For blackmail purposes later."

"Best fifty bucks we ever spent," Ted remarked.

"Totally," Ed nodded as he filmed the principal.

FLASHBACK!

The entire school was partying. Dancing. Laughing. Drinking.

Especially the teachers.

"WHOOO HOOO!" A middle aged man skated by Ted, Ed and Crystal Ball.

"PARTY TIME!" An older woman whooped as she drank some beer.

"CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!" More teachers chanted down the hallway.

"Wow," Ted blinked. "Mrs. McClearly can really put a six pack away!"

CRASH!

"I think you might have hypnotized the teachers a bit too much," Ed winced.

"I didn't hypnotize them," Crystal Ball explained. "They're just burned out from teaching and needed a break."

CRASH!

"And it looks like Mr. Grizzle got one," Ted remarked. "A man that age should not be on a skateboard!"

FLASHBACK!

Crystal Ball was hypnotizing a car dealer. "You will let these boys take a test drive! In your coolest fastest car!"

The dealer blinked. "Okay…"

Crystal Ball realized something. "You dudes know how to drive right?"

"Oh yeah," Ted nodded.

"Of course," Ed nodded.

FLASHBACK!

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Ted screamed as he careened the car all over the road. Smashing into mailboxes and running over lawns. And nearly running over several pedestrians.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Ed screamed as he hung on for life.

"You might want to work on your steering Ted," Crystal Ball quipped as he was bounced around in the back seat. "Lucky for me I'm already dead."

FLASHFORWARD!

"In other words, it was a rip off of a bad Adult Swim cartoon," Destro remarked.

"Anyone else as not interested in this as I am?" The Baroness sighed.

"To be fair," Zartan remarked. "A lot of Adult Swim isn't targeted for you as it's primary audience."

"Would it kill writers to write a cross between the Golden Girls and a science fiction cartoon?" The Baroness groaned. "I'm just saying…"

"That actually happened," Crystal Ball spoke up. "They made a Golden Girls in the future cartoon. I admit. That had potential."

"So did this morning," Destro quipped. "But that went downhill fast. Like this conversation."

"Just for that remark I won't show you the time we went into the strip club," Crystal Ball hmphed. "And trust me there was nudity as well as shenanigans a plenty."

"Sounds like you did have a lot of fun," Cobra Commander admitted. "So what went wrong?"

"It was all going pretty well until that one pool party we crashed," Crystal Ball remarked.

FLASHBACK!

A typical teen pool party. Crystal Ball was hanging out with Ted and Ed. They were talking to some girls wearing bathing suits. "No way you have a real crystal ball," One girl said. "That's got to be some kind of electronic thing."

"No, seriously that's what he is," Ted pointed to Crystal Ball.

"Prove it!" Another girl said. "What can he do?"

"Besides making smart remarks?" Ed snickered.

"I can summon a dragon," Crystal Ball spoke up. "I think."

"You think?" Ted asked.

"I've never really done it before," Crystal Ball explained. "I mean I learned the spell a while ago because you know? Summoning dragons. Cool right? But I never had the chance to do it."

"Do it now!" Ed said.

"Well…" Crystal Ball paused.

"DO! IT! DO! IT!" Ted and Ed chanted.

"I don't know…" Crystal Ball paused.

"DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!" Ted, Ed and the girls chanted.

"Well…" Crystal Ball began.

FLASHFORWARD!

"You didn't…" Destro did a double take.

"I did," Crystal Ball admitted. "Took me by surprise too. In more ways than one."

FLASHFORWARD!

A huge red dragon was attacking the guests at the pool party, breathing fire. "Ooh," Crystal Ball winced. "Didn't mean to summon one quite that big!"

FOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"OH MY GOD!" Someone screamed. "MY HOUSE IS ON FIRE!"

"Sorry bro," Crystal Ball called out. "My bad!"

FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Oh that's a lot of blood on the lawn," Crystal Ball winced.

"Way to go Dumb-Eris Targaryen," Ted quipped.

"RARRRRRR!"

"OH MY GOD!" Someone shouted. "HALF THE FOOTBALL TEAM IS DEAD!"

"Well, they weren't having a very good season anyway," Crystal Ball blinked. "Uh dudes, we should go. Like. Now!"

"Right…" Ed blinked. "I guess knowing when to leave is the sign of a good guest."

"I think we crossed over that line about forty miles back," Crystal Ball remarked as the sounds of carnage were heard.

"RARRRRR!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"

"Grab the beer," Ted said to Ed as the dragon set a house on fire.

"Yeah, that's the priority here," Crystal Ball rolled his eyes.

FLASHFORWARD!

"So…" The Baroness remarked. "You helped summon a dragon at a pool party and it ran amok killing people?"

"Yeah, that's when things started to fly off the rails," Crystal Ball admitted. "And then Beavis and Butthead decided to really ramp things up."

FLASHBACK!

"Uh bros," Crystal Ball remarked as he sat in the middle of a pentagram on the floor of the garage. "Maybe we should rethink this? I mean we literally just summoned a dragon not even an hour ago. Perhaps waiting a day or two while things cool off…?"

"No way!" Ted burped. He and Ed had drunk all the beers. They were wearing bras on their heads.

"And we're doing this tribute to Weird Science is why?" Crystal Ball asked.

"I dunno," Ted burped. "Seemed appropriate."

"Yeah we saw that movie the other day…" Ed said. "And the lady they summoned was hot so…"

"Okay before we do this," Crystal Ball warned. "Maybe you two should at least sober up just a tad? Magical summoning can be dangerous enough when you're in control of all your facilities."

"No way dude!" Ed shouted. "Let's keep going!"

"I'm just saying we did a lot tonight," Crystal Ball told them. "No shame in taking the rest of the night off. I can get us the Playboy Channel! Huh? You wanna watch that?"

"Dude…" Ted realized. "Playboy Channel. He's got a point."

"No, I wanna do this!" Ed shouted. "I wanna summon a really hot warrior chick with big boobs!"

"I wanna see some boobs too!" Ted added.

"I'm already seeing a couple of boobs," Crystal Ball muttered to himself.

FLASHFORWARD!

"Oh I think I see where this is going," Destro winced. "You didn't…?"

"I did," Crystal Ball sighed. "You ever hear the phrase careful what you wish for? Well…Those two idiots learned that the hard way."

FLASHBACK!

A huge red skinned female demon was literally tearing apart Ted and Edd. "AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" Ted screamed as he was being beaten to death by his own arm that the demon had torn off.

"Oh my, this is problematic," Crystal Ball gulped at the carnage. "Hang on." He rolled away quickly.

He rolled outside and next door to a neighbor's house. He rolled in through a dog door.

"YAP! YAP!"

"Oh shut up Pooky!" Crystal Ball snapped. "You're a Chihuahua! You're not fooling anybody!"

"YAP! YAP! YAP!"

"Will you stop trying to bite me?" Crystal Ball told him. "Now be helpful and point me towards the spare boxes, packing peanuts, masking tape and markers."

"YAP! YAP!"

"You are so not Lassie…" Crystal Ball groaned.

The next thing Crystal Ball knew he was writing an address on a reasonably sized box on the floor. The sounds of the demon screaming was heard. "Why is she still screaming? She just ate," Crystal Ball remarked as he used his powers to write with the marker.

Sirens were then heard. "This is the police! Come out with your hands…OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?"

"RARRRRR!"

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

"AAAAAAAAAHHH! CALL FOR BACKUP! CALL FOR BACKUP!"

"Yeah, I am definitely out of here!" Crystal Ball gulped as he rolled into the package and used his psychic powers to close it up.

FLASHFORWARD!

"So basically, I went next door to the neighbors and boxed myself up and put myself in their outgoing packages," Crystal Ball remarked. "While the cops were distracted I got picked up by Fed Ex and mailed myself back here. Express mail. They're really good at that."

"In other words, you went on vacation," Cobra Commander remarked.

"Pretty much," Crystal Ball nodded. "I mean it didn't end well but it was a fun week."

"That does sound like our vacations," Cobra Commander admitted.

"What happened to the demon?" Destro asked. "And the dragon?"

"Probably still roaming around California somewhere," Crystal Ball admitted.

Mindbender had turned on one of the monitors. "Well, that explains this."

Images of the dragon and demon terrorizing parts of California were seen. The army was fighting with the dragon. Then the Avengers were shown fighting the demon. Then the dragon.

"I screwed up big time didn't I?" Crystal Ball groaned.

"You did," Zartan nodded. "You definitely did."

"Well at least the authorities can't trace this back to us," Destro sighed. "Admittedly that's a moot point at this juncture with all the things they know we've done but…"

"Honestly I think I did the world a favor," Crystal Ball added. "Taking Ted and Ed out of the gene pool. And a good sized portion of Sherman Oaks High School."

"I wonder if I can get fifty bucks selling you online again?" Cobra Commander remarked.