Villains Of The Year

"How is Operation COBRA Care coming along?" Cobra Commander asked as he entered into the command center with Destro. Several Cobras were hard at work at computers.

"Commander, it has only been a day," Destro remarked. "They couldn't have done that much…"

"Actually, we're almost done," Mindbender spoke up.

"Seriously?" Destro was stunned.

"Even I didn't think you would be done that fast," Cobra Commander remarked. "Are you sure?"

"It was easy," Xamot waved from his station. "All we did…"

"Was take the existing Extensive Enterprises employee medical coverage from our files," Tomax added.

"Changed a few words," Xamot added.

"Added a few more paragraphs and legal technicalities," Tomax added. "And then we had a fully comprehensive health care plan."

"Then we hacked into some files and servers," The Baroness added. "Making it look legitimate."

"And now we're just finishing up the official website," Zartan added. "All we have to do is finish it. Upload it. And then we'll be officially on the market."

"Then all we have to do is make some commercials," Zandar added. "For different countries of course. Use computers to translate in their native language."

"I've already got my nanobots and several Cobra health care machines up and running," Mindbender grinned.

"We're looking at real estate in a few places to set up the clinics," Zarana added. "Buy them…Install the equipment."

Mindbender grinned. "Voila! We'll be up and running by the end of the week!"

Destro asked. "Where are you going to get the doctors? And the people to run the clinics."

Mindbender blinked. "That might take longer."

Destro asked. "How many doctors does Cobra have left?"

"Including myself?" Mindbender thought. "We have roughly about…1."

"So, our only real issue is staffing?" Cobra Commander asked.

"It would appear so," Destro sighed.

"That's not so bad," Cobra Commander waved. "We can take a dozen of our more intelligent troopers and teach them some of the basics so they can fake being doctors. I mean all they have to do is inject people with nanobots. It can't be that hard!"

The Baroness asked. "Do we have a dozen or more intelligent troopers?"

"That's the hard part," Zartan groaned. "My Dreadnoks are out. Unless our Dreadnok version of Sybil has a doctor in there somewhere. And even then…"

"Yeah," Cobra Commander remarked. "No. What about our remaining troops? How many do we have?"

"Funny you should ask that," The Baroness remarked as she picked up a data pad. "I checked our current roster. Not counting the Dreadnoks and ourselves. Cobra has approximately…13."

"Thirteen thousand?" Cobra Commander asked.

"No," The Baroness shook her head.

"Thirteen…hundred?" Cobra Commander asked.

"Keep guessing," The Baroness said sarcastically.

"Exactly thirteen," Destro groaned.

"Bingo!" The Baroness gave him a look.

"Wait! I thought we had more than that!" Cobra Commander barked.

"We did," The Baroness told him. "We lost a few."

"Some of them literally," Zartan explained. "As in they went into the jungle and never came out."

"Some we just outright abandoned," The Baroness remembered. "Like the Teenage Mutant Serpentor Squad."

"Some got killed by other means or accidents," Tomax added.

"Others just up and left," Xamot groaned. "Apparently several of them did while we were on our last adventure. They were sick of not getting paid."

"We're also down a few aircraft by the way," Tomax added.

"And a boat," Xamot added.

Zandar asked. "We had a boat?"

"Not anymore," Tomax groaned.

"So basically, all smart troopers skipped out on us?" Destro groaned.

"Pretty much yes," Xamot added.

"Fine whatever," Cobra Commander waved. "That means we have only our most loyal troopers!"

"Loyal, stupid…" Crystal Ball quipped from a desk he was on. "Potato. Po-tato."

Destro paused. "Can we use synthoids? As doctors?"

"Uhhh…" Mindbender paused. "I would not recommend it. The synthoids' programming can only handle so much. It would be risky."

Crystal Ball spoke up. "And this is coming from the same guy who once decided to combine nitroglycerin and mutant DNA and said…What the heck? Let's see where this goes."

"Plus, we're also low on synthoid materials," Mindbender added. "And by low, I mean almost non-existent. I need more supplies and raw materials. That's why I sent several of our troops into the jungle to get the rare plant extract I needed."

"I see where this is going," Destro sighed.

"I also sent other troops to go buy some other supplies I needed a month ago and they never came back," Mindbender added.

"You gave them an unlimited credit card, didn't you?" Zartan groaned.

"Of course not," Mindbender scoffed. "I gave them cash! And some jewels we stole."

"Oh, that's much better," Zartan rolled his eyes.

"In other words, synthoids are out," Cobra Commander grumbled. "As well as putting Mindbender in charge of getting supplies. The main problem is that we need to hire intelligent qualified troops!"

Crystal Ball quipped. "A problem that's been plaguing Cobra for years."

Destro admitted. "He's not wrong."

Crystal Ball added. "Particularly in the management department!"

"Testify," Zartan muttered under his breath.

"All right," Cobra Commander sighed. "I need to think. Mostly because no one else on my staff can do so. What about those job websites? Maybe we can advertise?"

"Sure," Destro said sarcastically. "Wanted. Several highly trained medical and managerial staff workers for highly illegal fraudulent health care operation run by the world's most wanted terrorism unit. That will bring in the resumes."

"Obviously we can't write it up exactly like that," Cobra Commander remarked. "We'll have to change the wording…"

A large beeping sound was heard. "Now what?" Cobra Commander sighed.

"We're getting a video transmission," The Baroness checked the sensors. "From MODOK."

"Oh yeah," Cobra Commander realized. "I forgot about him. Put him on screen."

"Where the hell have you been?" MODOK asked when his image came onscreen. "I've been leaving you guys messages for over two weeks! Actually, longer than that."

"We have an answering machine?" Cobra Commander blinked.

"Honestly this is the first I've heard of it," Destro admitted.

"That explains a few things," MODOK groaned. "Where were you guys? On vacation?"

"Of course not!" Cobra Commander scoffed. "That would be ridiculous! We were doing some research!"

"In addition to being on vacation," Crystal Ball quipped.

"You're going to be on permanent vacation if you don't shut it!" Cobra Commander shouted.

"Again," Crystal Ball remarked. "Already dead. Can't really do anything to me."

Cobra Commander picked up Crystal Ball and threw him like a bowling ball. "HEY!" Crystal Ball screamed.

The sounds of something breaking were heard. "STRIKE!" Cobra Commander called out. "All right where was I? Oh yes. We've come up with a new scheme for taking over the world! We're going to take over the health care industry!"

MODOK raised an eyebrow. "MODOK is listening."

"We become a major provider of health care," Cobra Commander explained. "As you know the health care industry makes a fortune in overpriced medicine and payment plans."

"So far MODOK is with you," MODOK nodded.

"COBRA will use our cutting-edge technology to heal people," Cobra Commander explained. "And in some cases, fill them with nanobots in order to control them. Or just outright replace them with Synthoids. Depending on the individual and how much power they have of course."

"MODOK is pleased," MODOK admitted. "Yes, this seems like a well thought out plan."

"I know," Crystal Ball was heard. "I'm as shocked as you are."

"SHUT UP YOU CANTANKEROUS CRYSTAL!" Cobra Commander yelled. He turned to MODOK. "By using your scientists and technicians and technology in combination with COBRA's technology…"

"It's brilliant!" MODOK grinned.

"We already have the legal documentation all set and are almost done with the website," Cobra Commander added. "And we are looking at several properties around the globe to set up our clinics. All we have to do is set them up, staff them and we're good to go."

"MODOK is impressed. I mean that legal stuff must have taken you weeks," MODOK remarked. "MODOK apologizes. Clearly you have been working hard. MODOK thought you were just screwing around and just thinking of any plan that comes into your head without any thought of logistics."

"NOT ONE WORD CRYSTAL BALL!" Cobra Commander turned and shouted. "UNLESS YOU WANT TO BE SOLD ON E-BAY AGAIN!"

"YES! PLEASE!" Crystal Ball shouted.

"Ignore him," Cobra Commander sighed.

"There's always one isn't there?" MODOK asked.

"Yeah, it's the same old dilemma," Cobra Commander remarked. "Can't get rid of him. Can't kill him because he's already dead."

"Testify," MODOK nodded. "Oh, MODOK almost forgot the reason MODOK called you."

"Does this guy ever use pronouns?" Crystal Ball muttered.

"I called you because Cobra and MODOK have won the Enemy Awards! We've been selected as Villains of the Year," MODOK explained. "Team Up Category."

"I've literally never heard of this," Destro remarked as he folded his arms.

"Apparently it's new," MODOK explained. "Hey they have awards for everything else nowadays. Why not supervillains?"

"I'd definitely rather watch that than the Oscars," Cobra Commander admitted. "When is it?"

"Two days from now," MODOK said. "So do you want me to pick you up? Or you pick me up? Or do you want to go in separate jets?"

"I don't see why we can't just meet up at the location," Cobra Commander remarked. "Where is it?"

"According to the invite it's in LA," MODOK explained. "Do you want to get something to eat afterwards?"

"Is there going to be a party?" Cobra Commander asked. "It kind of feels like there should be a party after an event such as this."

"I didn't ask," MODOK realized.

"If there's a party we need to be there," Cobra Commander told him. "So people can see the power and might of Cobra! And MODOK too. Obviously."

"Obviously," MODOK added. "So separate jets?"

"That might be a good idea," Cobra Commander agreed. "You send us the coordinates and find out about the after party."

"Good. Good," MODOK agreed. "And MODOK will also get the ball rolling on getting staffing for our health care operation."

"Once we buy the buildings I'll contact you," Cobra Commander nodded. "Cobra Commander out!"

As the transmission ended Cobra Commander shouted with joy. "YES! SUCCESS! Finally, people will know the might of Cobra!"

"We're in a team up category," Zarana remarked. "With MODOK."

"So?" Cobra Commander asked. "Sonny and Cher were part of a team once and look what happened after that! This is a huge step! Finally! I will get the adulation I deserve! I need to go work on my acceptance speech."

Destro turned to the others once Cobra Commander left the room. "Something tells me that Cobra Commander needs to work on his fact checking."

"This entire awards thing does sound a bit…" The Baroness frowned. "Odd. Since when do villains praise other villains?"

"Unless they have something they want," Destro paused. "Or want to lure their enemy into complacency before springing a trap."

"Enemy Awards…" Zandar paused. "Isn't that from a cartoon?"

"I definitely remember hearing that phrase on some animated program before," Xamot spoke up.

"As do I," Tomax nodded.

"Yeah, this doesn't sound suspicious at all," Zartan remarked.

"Zartan," Destro frowned. "I have a little job for you and the Dreadnoks."

Two Days Later…

"It's been a while since I've worn this baby," Cobra Commander remarked as he stepped out of the spaceship wearing a blue and gold uniform with a blue and gold cape. He carried a gold staff with a snake symbol on it. "I only wear it for special occasions. You know? Coronations of myself. Parties. Executions of people I really hate. That sort of thing."

MODOK floated alongside him. "I just put a bowtie on me." He indicated his bowtie. "What? You try getting a tuxedo for a giant floating head sometime!"

"I can see how that would limit your fashion choices," Cobra Commander remarked.

Crystal Ball was being carried by Torch. "You can always wear a snazzy hat!" Crystal Ball quipped. He was wearing a fancy hat on his head inside the crystal ball.

"MODOK isn't much of a hat person," MODOK admitted. He turned to Cobra Commander. "How did he get a hat?"

"I don't know. I don't care," Cobra Commander sighed. "So this is where the ceremony is being held huh?"

They all looked at the large warehouse on the docks. "Oh yes this doesn't seem suspicious at all!" Crystal Ball quipped.

"Obviously we can't use The Dolby Theatre!" MODOK snapped. "They're going for inconspicuous here!"

"Nailed it," Crystal Ball quipped.

"Still," Destro remarked. "This does not exactly inspire confidence."

"I'm sure it looks better on the inside!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Come on!"

"Uh," Zartan remarked. "Most of us will stay outside if you don't mind. Torch can go with you."

"Yes Cobra Commander," Xamot nodded. "Just you, Torch…Crystal Ball…"

"The Baroness and Destro will suffice," Tomax added.

"We'll guard the ship," Zartan said.

"And we'll guard them guarding the ship," Tomax added.

Jodie who was there wearing an expensive red dress added. "And our AIM troopers will guard them guarding the ship." She pointed to the AIM troopers with them.

"Makes sense," Destro said smoothly. "The spaceship is extremely valuable."

"Can't be too careful," Mindbender added.

"Good idea," Cobra Commander added. "Also cuts down on the hoi poloi. Fine we'll meet you outside."

Jodie instructed. "AIM…You know what to do." Then the group went inside the warehouse.

The warehouse was dark and dimly lit. "Are you sure we're in the right place?" The Baroness asked.

"These are the coordinates that we were given," Cobra Commander told her. "Yes. This is the place. I think."

MODOK remarked. "Whoever was on the decorating committee didn't have much of a budget, did they?"

"Where is everyone?" Cobra Commander snarled. "Hey! Where are you! Come out here and give us the award we deserve!"

Just then the lights went on. They were surrounded by nearly every villain, henchman and major and minor bad guy that you could think of. "Interesting choice of words," The Kingpin remarked as he stood before them.

"Uh oh…" MODOK realized what was going on. "This isn't an awards show, isn't it?"

"No," Kingpin shook his head.

"I knew it," Destro groaned. "I knew this sounded too good to be true!"

"Didn't need a crystal ball to figure that out," Jodie added. "No offense."

"None taken," Crystal Ball admitted.

"What is the meaning of this?" Cobra Commander hissed.

"I thought it was obvious," Kingpin remarked. "This is a trap. A surprisingly effective one."

"What the devil is your problem?" Cobra Commander snapped.

"Our problem is you!" The Leader snapped as he made his way next to The Kingpin. "And the havoc you have been wreaking on the world!"

Torch blinked. "Hang on…Isn't that what you guys do too?"

Kingpin explained. "Yes, but your havoc is interfering with our havoc. This is about your mayhem wrecking our business."

"Isn't your particular business fighting Spider Man, SHIELD and the Avengers?" Crystal Ball asked. "For most of you?"

"Admittedly that does take up a lot of our time," Doctor Octopus spoke up. "But we do other things too."

"Your antics are cutting into our profits," Kingpin snapped.

"And our own schemes for world domination!" The Leader snapped.

"Oh, like none of you ever did that with us?" MODOK snapped. "I mean since when do villains who want to rule the world consult with other villains to see if they want to rule the world?"

"He's right!" Cobra Commander agreed. "You're all having a hissy fit over who's closer to ruling the world? And that's me saying it!"

"You guys are mad that we TP'd the Avengers Tower and you didn't, are you?" Torch asked.

"Honestly that we found pretty funny," Hobgoblin spoke up.

"Some of us really should have thought of that ourselves," Rhino added.

"It's the other stuff we're angry about!" Hobgoblin snapped.

"What other stuff?" Cobra Commander asked.

Kingpin looked at him. "The mass destruction of warehouses all over the world for a start! Do you have any idea how much merchandise you've damaged?"

"As well as taking out several gangs and cartels," The Green Goblin spoke up.

"Some of us had some very lucrative overseas deals that went up in smoke because of you!" Kingpin added.

"You crippled Hydra!" Madame Hydra revealed herself.

"No big loss," The Baroness quipped.

"I know right?" Cobra Commander remarked. "You lose one world war and you never get over it."

"You destroyed several museums," The Leader added. "Which we were going to rob."

"You destroyed a bird sanctuary where I was going to hunt in," Kraven shouted. "And you destroyed all the Clucky Chicken sandwich places!"

"YES!" Hobgoblin shouted. "We loved Clucky Chicken!"

"Not this again," Kingpin groaned.

"This is over chicken sandwiches?" Destro asked.

"Only for some of us," Kingpin waved. "You did other stuff too. Again, the destroyed warehouses, decimation of goods and services…"

"Like Clucky Chicken," Hobgoblin added.

Kingpin rolled his eyes. "Ruined investments…"

"Like the millions I put into Clucky Chicken stock!" The Green Goblin added.

"ME TOO!" Madame Hydra added.

"WILL YOU IDIOTS FORGET ABOUT THE DAMN CHICKEN SANDWICHES AND FOCUS?" Kingpin shouted. "We've been over this! Where was I? Oh yes. You also let several mutated abominations run amok…Like the giant goat in Europe that wrecked several other businesses, warehouses, and hideouts!"

"And other restaurants!" Dr. Octopus shouted. "Like the Crystal Serpent Casino in Madripoor! It was one of my favorite places to go!"

"And Captain Crinkles!" Rhino called out. "They had the best fries."

Destro remarked. "Since when are villains restaurant critics?"

"You'd be surprised," Kingpin grumbled. "Not to mention I and several of my colleagues also did business with the European Banker's Union."

"You also destroyed our city!" Gorgon roared. "I mean I know you destroyed a lot of cities but I'm especially mad about you destroying mine!"

"Who the hell are you?" Cobra Commander asked.

"I'm Gorgon of the Inhumans and you blew up our city and caused chaos!" Gorgon roared.

"When did that happen?" MODOK asked.

"When Cobra Commander decided to do some interstellar graffiti on the moon!" Gorgon snapped.

"It wasn't me," Cobra Commander said innocently.

"YOUR NAME WAS ALL OVER IT! LITTERALLY!" Gorgon snapped. "You destroyed half of our city and killed hundreds of our people!"

"And wrecked one of his favorite restaurants," Rhino spoke up.

"That too," Gorgon admitted.

Kingpin pressed on. "The gist of our complaint is…You lot have not only wrecked things for the rest of us, you made all villains look like buffoons with your antics!"

"We didn't need to do anything to make most of you look foolish," Cobra Commander quipped. "I mean look over there how Leader is dressed. I've seen Dreadnoks with better color coordination and fashion sense!"

"The Leader!" The Leader interrupted.

"What?" Cobra Commander asked.

"I am…" The Leader paused dramatically. "The Leader!"

"Of what?" Cobra Commander snapped. "I'm seriously asking!"

"Oh good," Torch nodded. "I'm not the only one confused by that."

"I am the leader of the world!" The Leader snapped.

"No, you're not!" Cobra Commander snapped.

"Definitely not," Kingpin added.

"Well, the future leader of the world!" The Leader told him.

"Yeah, and Torch is the next Miss Universe," Cobra Commander quipped.

"It's implied that I am the superior leader and the future master of the world," The Leader told Cobra Commander.

"It's implied that you didn't choose your name well," Cobra Commander told him. "Maybe you should have taken a few hours to think about it?"

"At least with Cobra Commander you know who he is and who he's in charge of!" Torch added. "I mean there's not that many Cobras left. A lot of us either left or are dead but at least you know!"

"Exactly!" Cobra Commander agreed. "My name represents my status as leader of Cobra!"

"Except those half dozen times you were deposed," Torch added. "But you were still technically a commander in Cobra so…"

"Who are you?" The Leader snapped. "The Semantics Police?"

"I'm Torch," Torch explained. "I'm a Dreadnok."

"You're an idiot," The Leader snapped.

"And yet he's still smarter than you," Cobra Commander quipped. "That's not a good thing. Oh! I get it. You're the leader of the idiots!"

"He's not my leader," Torch remarked. "I didn't vote for him."

"I was wrong," Cobra Commander added. "Even the idiots don't want you!"

"This guy makes you look like a freaking genius," Crystal Ball quipped. "Hell, he makes Torch look like a freaking genius."

"Even I think that's really dumb," Torch admitted.

"So they're just giving leadership status to anyone now?" The Baroness got in on the act.

"Apparently," Destro mocked.

"If that's true I'm the new Czarina of Russia," The Baroness quipped.

"King of Scotland," Destro added. "And I'm adding Jamaica to my territory."

"High Emperor of the Crystal Balls!" Crystal Ball added.

"Queen of the Amazons!" Torch added. "No wait…Just the consort to the queen so I can have sex with her."

"Good one," Crystal Ball admitted.

"For you Torch that one was surprisingly astute," Destro admitted.

"Again, smarter than Leader over here," Cobra Commander admitted. "Not that it was a high bar…"

"THE LEADER!" The Leader shouted. "The Leader! I am The Leader!"

"And I am The Baroness," The Baroness added. "But you don't see me having a hissy fit, do you? Honestly, I'm thinking of dropping the The from my title. Most people don't use it anyway."

"The name Baroness does kind of say it all," Jodie admitted.

"Exactly!" The Baroness nodded. "I think The with a capital T is a bit too pretentious don't you?"

"Definitely," Cobra Commander agreed. "I mean Hello?" He pointed to The Leader.

"Excuse me?" The Leader snapped.

"It does sound rather pretentious now that I'm hearing it," The Baroness remarked.

"You can still keep the The," Destro suggested. "Just save it for formal occasions."

"Right," Baroness nodded. "Okay so everybody if you drop the The, I won't complain. I get it. Just Baroness will suffice."

She looked at The Leader. "Except for you. You will call me The Baroness!"

"WHAT?" The Leader shouted. "Listen you four eyed harpy…"

"That's The Four Eyed Harpy!" Torch called out. "You don't listen very well, do you?"

"This is drifting off topic," Kingpin sighed.

"This is funny," Rhino snickered from the back.

"Leader," Kingpin sighed. "Perhaps you should let me handle this?"

"THE LEADER!" The Leader shouted. "THE LEADER! THE LEADER!"

Kingpin looked at Dr. Octopus and some other villains. "Why did I agree to let him talk?"

"You didn't," Dr. Octopus folded his arms. "He just inserted himself."

"Can we just cut to the chase?" Madame Hydra asked. "So we can cut these idiots into pieces?"

"You're going to kill us?" MODOK gasped.

"I believe that was the primary reason for this meeting, yes," Destro said sarcastically.

"You're all just jealous!" Cobra Commander hissed. "Especially The Loser over here!"

"THE LEADER!" The Leader shouted.

"Dude you people fight with toilets," One villain called out from the back. "We're not that jealous!"

"So we're pretty much going to destroy you all," Hobgoblin said.

"Hang on," MODOK spoke up. "All that stuff was Cobra! MODOK is innocent! Mostly."

"Seriously?" Cobra Commander gave him a look.

"Yeah, we don't like you that much either," Hobgoblin told them. "And since you're with Cobra anyway…"

"I think you all are forgetting something," Destro said calmly. "Our compatriots outside."

"I'm afraid you will find that we've prepared for that particular…" Kingpin spoke calmly.

BOOOOOOOM!

"Contingency?" Kingpin did a double take as the wall behind him exploded.

Some of the lesser villains and henchmen were knocked out with the rubble from the blast. "You're early," Destro noted as several AIM soldiers and COBRAs walked in weapons drawn.

"Wasn't that much resistance," Zartan shrugged. "Mostly a few flunkies."

"A few flunkies?" The Green Goblin snapped. "There was supposed to be an army outside!"

"Well, there wasn't," Zartan told him. "Just a few henchmen."

"I know I supplied some henchmen to assist…" Kingpin paused. "Hang on."

"It seems the tide has turned," Destro remarked smugly. "Did you really think Cobra and AIM would be so easy to trap?"

"Quite frankly, yes," The Green Goblin admitted.

"Where is your army of gamma mutants?" Kingpin snapped at The Leader. "Weren't they supposed to take care of the others outside?"

"They uh…" The Leader coughed. "I decided as their leader that I didn't need them."

"Didn't need them?" The Kingpin shouted.

"When did you decide that?" Cobra Commander mocked. "The minute after they quit?"

"They didn't quit!" The Leader snapped. "No one quits The Leader!"

"Then where are they?" Kingpin snarled.

"Not really sure," The Leader admitted. "The note said they were going to find themselves and…I don't need to tell you this! It's not important!"

"A little tip, loser," Cobra Commander remarked. "Sorry. The Loser. If you're going to have troops run off on you, you might want to consider having backup troops! Or you know, some kind of homing device. Just a thought."

"You know…?" Dr. Octopus looked at Kingpin. "We're already getting rid of the two most annoying villains in the world…"

"Why not make it three?" Kingpin nodded and pointed his gun at The Leader. "My thoughts exactly!"

"WHAT?" The Leader shouted. "You're turning on me? The Leader?"

"In a word," Kingpin said. "Yes."

"Can't trust anyone these days, can you?" Cobra Commander quipped.

"You really can't," Torch nodded.

"It doesn't matter," Kingpin snarled. "We may have lost the element of surprise, but you still have to fight every single villain here!"

"Except for most of the Inhumans," Gorgon spoke up. "They're rebuilding our city. It's just me."

"True but we knew about that," Kingpin nodded. "And…"

"And Sandman and Electro aren't here," Hobgoblin spoke up. "They got into a tangle with Spider Man and got arrested two days ago."

"Fine, not important," Kingpin grumbled. "There's still over a hundred of the most dangerous criminals in the world right here!"

"I don't see too many mutants here," Madame Hydra admitted.

"We don't need mutants, those guys are prima donnas," Hobgoblin remarked.

"Agreed," Kingpin nodded. "We have plenty of other people with other powers. Like Agatha Harkness and her magic."

"Oh right," The Leader remembered. "I forgot to tell you, Agatha Harkness couldn't make it. Something about a production meeting. Some kind of meeting."

"Fine. We don't need one magic user," Kingpin rolled his eyes.

"Actually, we don't have any magic users," The Leader gulped. "That was the other thing I was supposed to tell you about. There's a convention of some sort…"

"We don't need any magic users!" Dr. Octopus snapped. "We have science on our side!"

"Oooh," Crystal Ball quipped. "Somebody's got a chip on their multiple shoulders."

"So do we!" Jodie shouted. "Science I mean. Not the chip thing."

"I can't believe you all double crossed us!" MODOK snarled at the villains.

"Sorry sweetie but it was very obvious this was a trap," Jodie told him. "I mean come on! Since when do bad guys give praise to other bad guys? Unless they have something they want. Or want to lure them into a false sense of security."

"That is kind of Villain 101," Crystal Ball admitted.

"That's why Jodie and the rest of us combined forces for a Three Phase Plan to deal with you lot," Baroness remarked. "Phase One. Lure you into a false sense of security with a reverse trap."

"And surround you," Zartan grinned.

"I'm guessing the second phase is kicking their butts?" Torch asked.

"You are correct Torch," Zartan grinned.

"Doesn't matter," Rhino snapped. "We've got powers."

Zandar indicated his weapon. "We have guns. That shoot lasers."

"So do a lot of us!" Madame Hydra snarled.

Crystal Ball spoke up. "Okay before this devolves into a giant villain spectacular free for all that you'd normally only find in comic book movies…Do you guys want to at least try to talk this over? Maybe come up with something mutually beneficial? An alliance we can all benefit from instead of pointless mayhem and…"

BANG! BANG! BANG!

ZAPP! ZAPP! ZAAPP!

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"That would be a no then," Crystal Ball groaned as the Cobras he was with ducked for cover. "Oh well I tried." They managed to hide behind several large crates.

"You had to try," Torch admitted. "And now I get to try this! Here hold this…" He gave Crystal Ball to Cobra Commander. He took out his portable flamethrower. "Oh yeah! It's Flame Time! HA! HA! HA!" He ran out with his flamethrower blazing.

"There's a man who loves his work," Destro remarked.

"He has a portable flamethrower?" MODOK asked. He had joined the Cobras with Jodie.

"Way to go MO-DUNK!" Cobra Commander hissed. "Your idiocy is going to get us killed!"

"ME?" MODOK snapped. "MODOK didn't hear you complaining about this!"

"Calm down!" Jodie told them. "Blaming each other isn't going to help right now!"

"Right, we can blame each other if we survive this," Cobra Commander grumbled.

"I wouldn't worry," Crystal Ball quipped. "The only people who get killed at these things are nameless flunkies and people without a movie deal. You're good."

"OH MY GOD!" Someone shouted. "THE HAMMERING HAMMERHEAD HAS BEEN SHOT AND KILLED!"

"Who?" Cobra Commander asked.

"See?" Crystal Ball remarked.

"You know this is an opportunity," Jodie remarked.

"To get killed?" Cobra Commander asked.

"To take out as many of our enemies as we can," Jodie snapped. "MODOK honey remember that psychic shield upgrade we did last month?"

"YES! MODOK is impervious with the shield!" MODOK grinned.

Jodie held onto her husband. "Come on Baby! Let's take the trash out!"

"Ooh you sound so sexy when you're about to destroy someone," MODOK grinned as he activated his shield.

"Let's go!" Jodie called out as the two flew away into the fight.

The Cobras stayed behind. "You go girl," Baroness quipped.

"Yeah, go far away from us and be a target for everyone else," Cobra Commander remarked. "Just to recap. You all figured this was a trap from the start."

"Yes," Destro admitted.

"And your plan is to have everyone else fight each other while we stay on the sidelines?" Cobra Commander asked.

ZZZAAPPP!

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"

"Essentially, yes," Destro nodded.

"Good plan," Cobra Commander admitted. "Good, good plan."

"We thought so," The Baroness nodded.

"AAAAAAHHHH!" A man with a bell on his head screamed as he was completely on fire. "IS THIS THE END OF DR. BONG?"

"Odds are yes," Crystal Ball quipped. "Torch got one. Good for him."

"Not so good for you!" Someone called out as several knives landed around them.

"What the…?" Cobra Commander did a double take as they were surrounded by several gaudy people juggling knives. "Who the hell are these clowns? Seriously?"

"We are the Evil Jugglers!" One of them cackled as he juggled several knives. "And we will…"

ZAP! ZAP! ZAP! ZAP! ZAP!

The Evil Jugglers all fell as Destro and The Baroness blasted them all away with their lasers. "Do absolutely nothing," Baroness quipped.

"Well technically dying," Crystal Ball remarked. "That's something."

"Here's a tip," Destro remarked. "The knife gimmick only works if you catch your target by surprise! And don't blow the surprise!"

"And don't blow the surprise if your targets have laser blasters," Crystal Ball added.

"We should move somewhere safer," Cobra Commander suggested.

"Good idea," Destro agreed.

"How about Downtown Beirut?" Crystal Ball quipped as they went to find a safer location.

Meanwhile the fight was going pretty much as expected. Lasers, bullets, knives, chaos.

SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT!

Glue guns AIM was using.

"I'M SO STICKY!" Someone screamed.

"AAAAAAHHH!" Torch had set another person on fire.

Arson…

"There's another bloke on the barbie!" Torch cackled. He then noticed something. "Uh oh…"

"RARRRR!" Rhino was charging towards Torch. Torch dived out of the way. Rhino kept going and plowed into several other people.

"RHINO YOU IDIOT!" Kingpin shouted. "YOU TOOK OUT SOME OF OUR TROOPS!"

"Sorry," Rhino shrugged. "Once I start running it's kind of hard for me to stop."

"Stop taking out our guys and take out AIM and COBRA!" The Leader shouted.

"You don't give me orders!" Rhino snapped.

"Yes, I do!" The Leader shouted. "I am The Leader!"

"Of nothing!" The Kingpin snapped. "The Leader of Nothing! Is nothing! Why hasn't anyone shot you yet?"

"Because you need me!" The Leader protested.

"No, we don't!" Dr. Octopus snarled as he tore through several AIM soldiers with his metal arms. "I Dr. Octopus will destroy our foes with my mighty metal tentacles! HA! HA! HA!"

BZZZZZZT!

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Dr. Octopus screamed as he was drawn backwards rapidly. He found himself stuck on a large metal round disk attached to a tractor like machine that had driven through the walls. "What is this?"

"Giant magnet beats metal tentacles," Gary said cheerfully. "Thanks, Big Mike!"

"Anytime Babe!" A booming male voice called out from the driver's seat.

"Just a little something our friends in AIM cooked up to deal with the heavy hitters," Mindbender grinned as he and some of the Dreadnoks surrounded Dr. Octopus.

"How did you figure out my weakness?" Dr. Octopus gasped.

"Uh it's in your bio dude," Buzzer told him. "What did you blokes not think we wouldn't do a background check on all your powers?"

"And how to counter them," Zartan smirked as he leveled his blaster.

"Wait don't kill him!" MODOK flew up. "Doc Ock owes MODOK money!"

"Only fifteen dollars!" Dr. Octopus snapped. The he realized his position. "Uh I don't have my wallet on me so…"

"Okay fine!" Zartan rolled his eyes. He set his blaster on stun and used it to knock Dr. Octopus out. "Happy?"

"Don't worry!" MODOK waved. "Plenty of other people here you can kill!"

MODOK was then buzzed by Hobgoblin on his glider. "Like that guy!"

"HA! HA! HA!" Hobgoblin cackled as he threw bombs from his glider.

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

"Ooh!" The Leader winced as several body parts flew through the air. "That's going to leave a stain!"

"He blew up some of my men!" Kingpin groaned.

"Why didn't they get out of the way?" Leader asked.

"BECAUSE THEY WERE STUCK THANKS TO THOSE BLASTED GLUE GUNS!" Kingpin shouted. "I should get one of those. For your mouth!"

BOOOM! BOOM! BOOOOOOOOOM!

"HEY WATCH IT!" Gorgon shouted as he barely avoided a bomb. "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BLOW UP THE ENEMY! NOT US!"

"Sorry!" Hobgoblin cackled as he flew around. "Occupational hazzard!"

"You're a hazard period!" Green Goblin snapped as he flew past Hobgoblin on his glider.

"Now it's time for my personal favorite…" Zartan grinned.

He slunk into the shadows quickly and maneuvered his way to an area where he'd be heard by Hobgoblin flying around. He mimicked Green Goblin's voice. "HOBGOBLIN YOU'RE SLACKING OFF YOU COPYCAT!"

Then he mimicked Hobgoblin. "GOBLIN YOU'RE JUST PLAIN USELESS!"

"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?" Hobgoblin shouted as he turned his glider around to face the Green Goblin.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?" Green Goblin shouted as he turned around the same time. "Who are you calling useless you copycat hack?"

"Hack?" Hobgoblin snapped. "I'm one of the deadliest assassins who ever lived!"

"Oh please!" Green Goblin snarled. "The only thing deadly about you is your lack of aim! And your breath!"

"That's rich coming from an old fossil with a personality disorder!" Hobgoblin snapped.

"Yes, and both of us can't stand you!" Green Goblin snarled. "You copied everything about me! And everyone knows it!"

"At least I don't spend my days arguing with myself!" Hobgoblin snarled. "That's just plain pathetic!"

"I'll show you pathetic!" Green Goblin snarled back. "My original glider can fly circles around yours!"

"Mine has the better upgrades," Hobgoblin sneered.

"You know maybe this is an opportunity to put you in your place once and for all?" Green Goblin snapped. "Why should I limit myself to getting rid of AIM and COBRA?"

"BRING IT ON!" Hobgoblin shouted as the two started circling each other with their gliders.

Zartan called out in several different voices as he ran among the shadows. "HYDRA SUCKS! INHUMANS SUCK! THE LEADER SUCKS! KINGPIN SCREWED THIS ALL UP! NO HYDRA SCREWED THIS ALL UP!"

"What? What do you mean?" Some of the villains looked at each other.

"With all these other villains out of the way the Kingpin can take over!" Zartan called out in several voices. "Hydra will eradicate the Kingpin! Get them! Hey! If we can take out Hydra and Kingpin maybe we can call the shots now?"

Several villains and henchmen nearby thought this over. For a full second before going at each other.

"What's the meaning of this?" Kingpin snapped at Madame Hydra. "Why are your forces attacking my henchmen?"

"Me? You're the one who's double crossing Hydra!" Madame Hydra snapped at Kingpin.

"I did no such thing and you know it!" Kingpin snapped. Then he saw some shadow loom over him. "Oh no…"

He dodged several goblin and pumpkin bombs just in time. "Wow, for a fat guy he can move," Buzzer remarked.

"WHAT ARE YOU IDIOTS DOING?" Kingpin roared at Green Goblin and Hobgoblin. "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DESTROYING AIM AND COBRA! NOT ME!"

"Shut up Fatso!" Hobgoblin snarled. "This is personal!"

"Agreed," Green Goblin sneered. "Let's take this outside where we can really fight!"

"GOOD IDEA!" Hobgoblin shouted as the two flew out the hole in the wall.

"WHERE THE DEVIL ARE YOU GOING?" Kingpin snapped. "COME BACK HERE!"

"We don't need them," The Leader grumbled. "They were blowing up more of our forces than the others."

"If only someone had blown you up!" Madame Hydra shouted.

"Well, no one's stopping you," Kingpin gave her a look.

"Don't give me orders!" Madame Hydra shouted. "I am the head of Hydra!"

"That's mostly because there's nobody else to take over at the moment," Zartan said in a different voice.

"HOW DARE YOU?" Madame Hydra shouted.

"Why are you looking at us like that?" The Leader snapped. "We didn't say it! I mean it's true but we didn't say that!"

"Leader shut up!" Kingpin roared.

"THE LEADER! THE LEADER!" The Leader shouted.

Cobra Commander, Destro, Baroness and Crystal Ball were observing it from behind some different crates. "Well, this is an interesting development," Cobra Commander remarked.

"And I think I know how it happened," Destro remarked.

"Guilty as charged," Zartan grinned as he made his way towards them.

"You got several of our enemies to turn on each other," Destro remarked. "Impressive."

"Wasn't that hard," Zartan shrugged. "Same old story, put a bunch of villains with large egos in one room and sooner or later they'll turn on each other."

"Yes," Cobra Commander nodded. "Shame they don't really understand the concept of teamwork like we do."

"I know right?" Baroness asked.

"Thank God we're not like that," Destro said sarcastically.

A man dressed as a bear rounded the corner and found them. "Fall to the might of Grizzly!" He roared as he was about to tackle them.

Destro casually shot the man and he fell down dead. "I have to admit though, for an epic villain team up this isn't very organized."

"Yeah, it's kind of become a free for all," Crystal Ball remarked.

MODOK was flying around cackling and zapping enemies. "YES! YES! ALL BOW DOWN TO THE MIGHT OF MODOK! HA! HA! HA!"

"I'll tell you something," Zartan admitted. "The talking head is doing a lot better than I thought."

"So's his wife," Baroness pointed at Jodie fighting several Hydra henchmen.

"This is a pretty good alliance, isn't it?" Cobra Commander asked.

An oddly dressed man with huge teeth dressed like a rat came upon them. "I am Vermin!" He snarled.

ZAAPP!

"Aptly named," The Baroness said casually as she dispatched him with a single blast to the head.

"At least we're getting rid of some of the dead wood in the villain community," Cobra Commander remarked. "I admit it was kind of getting overrun."

"Sometimes you need a good purge," Crystal Ball admitted. "Watch out! Flaming Head!"

"Is that the name of some villain I never…?" Zartan ducked as something flew over them. "Oh, an actual flaming head. Got it."

"We should move to someplace safer," Cobra Commander suggested.

"Good idea," Destro nodded.

Meanwhile the fighting grew even more and more intense. AIM and Cobra were fighting everyone and everyone else was fighting everyone else. "This is ridiculous!" Kingpin shouted at the chaos. "We were supposed to destroy COBRA and AIM! Not each other!"

"I don't think anybody cares anymore," The Leader groaned.

"Not true," Kingpin remarked. "I think we all care about one thing."

"What?" The Leader asked.

"THIS IS ALL THE LEADER'S FAULT!" Kingpin shouted. "HE SCREWED THE ENTIRE PLAN UP! GET HIM!"

"OH, COME ON!" The Leader snapped. "You really don't think these morons are stupid enough to…"

"IT'S ALL THE LEADER'S FAULT THIS HAPPENED!" Someone shouted.

"GET HIM!" Another person shouted.

"AAAAAAHHH!" The Leader ran away from the mob of villain's.

Madame Hydra looked at Kingpin. "Scapegoat?"

"Scapegoat," Kingpin nodded.

"I was wondering why you didn't blow his brains out," Madame Hydra remarked. "Good plan."

"Better than this," Kingpin sighed as several other villains were fighting with COBRA and AIM. "In hindsight perhaps I should have known better than to…FLAMING ARM!"

"Who the hell is the…?" Madame Hydra blinked. She barely dodged something. "Oh, flaming arm. Got it."

"MINDBENDER! CRYSTAL BALL!" Destro called out. "TIME FOR PHASE THREE!"

"Phase Three? What the hell is…?" Kingpin began.

"BLOOOP! BLOOP! BLOOOP!"

"What the hell are those things?" Madame Hydra pointed at the large familiar orange blobs entering the melee.

MODOK, Jodie and the other Cobras joined up with Cobra Commander's group. "Oh the Eddie Juniors," Zandar remarked. "Interesting."

"Yes, let them…" Tomax began.

"Do the rest of the work," Xamot added.

"And this," Cobra Commander held up Crystal Ball. "Do it!"

"Gotcha!" Crystal Ball began to glow brightly.

He managed to open a portal where two medium sized red dragons emerged and started to set whatever and whoever was closest to them on fire. "Your crystal ball can summon fire breathing dragons?" MODOK shouted.

"Oh yeah," Cobra Commander nodded. "That's a new thing."

"I got a power upgrade," Crystal Ball explained.

Kingpin and Madame Hydra looked at the chaos. "Okay new plan," Kingpin sighed. "We take our forces, retreat…"

"And let everyone else get roasted alive and slaughtered," Madame Hydra finished. "That's a good plan all right."

"You want to get something to eat?" Kingpin sighed as they signaled their troops and started to leave.

"I could eat," Madame Hydra admitted, ignoring the chaos and screams behind them.
"You know a good restaurant?"

"Oddly enough…" Kingpin sighed. "Yes."

By then the Cobras with MODOK, Jodie, Gary and the rest of AIM were watching the fighting outside the warehouse. Mostly thanks to the large holes in the walls. And several of the fights had gone outside. "They haven't even noticed we're not fighting them anymore have they?" MODOK asked.

"They have not," Destro remarked.

"To be fair I think the flying dragons and giant blobs are a bit of a distraction," Baroness quipped.

"Another day," Crystal Ball quipped. "Another warehouse destroyed."

"AAAAAAAHHHH!" Another villain who was on fire ran by.

"Stop drop and roll fool!" Cobra Commander called out. "Oh, too late. He's dead."

"Who was that one?" Zartan asked.

"No idea," MODOK remarked. "Wow we are really knocking down the competition, aren't we?"

"So, some good did come out of this evening?" Torch remarked. "Besides me setting some blokes on fire. And watching them burn to death."

"That's right Torch," Crystal Ball quipped. "You're living your dream."

"And our nightmares," Destro groaned.

"Okay we'd better head out before Phase Four kicks in," Zartan told the others.

"I thought this was just a three-phase plan?" Jodie asked.

"I added a fourth phase," Zartan told them.

"What's the fourth phase?" Destro asked.

Zandar smirked. "I dropped a dime to every single law enforcement agency I could think of. Including the Avengers!"

"You did what now?" Destro roared. The sounds of sirens were heard in the distance.

"You want to get rid of the competition, right?" Zartan snapped.

"Yeah, but not like this!" MODOK gasped. "Ratting out to the authorities is so…That's low even by our standards!"

"Good thing we don't have any," Torch quipped.

"Shall we run for our lives?" Cobra Commander asked.

"Yes," Destro told him. "Let's."

"BACK TO THE SPACESHIP!" Cobra Commander shouted. "COBRA! RETREAT! RE…Oh wait we're all here. Let's just go!"

"So much for a night out," Gary remarked as they fled.

"So regretting this partnership," MODOK groaned.