Appeasing the Irate Outlaw
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"Hold it right there."
Kid Curry stood in the center of the street with his arms folded across his chest and his eyes locked on the man not twenty feet in front of him.
"I see you're wearing your gun," the stranger said. "I thought I told you not to wear your gun in this town."
"NOW JUST STOP IT!"
Kate stared at the computer screen wondering where that last line had come from. She was so absorbed in the scene she was writing that any external stimuli was oblivious to her.
"I ain't doing that jig again!"
Startled, Kate jumped in her seat when she realized the fictional voice was coming from just a few feet behind her. She turned in her chair and uttered a sigh of literary relief when she saw that Kid and Heyes had once again interrupted her fantasy world of fiction.
"Oh, you startled me."
"And you're stealing other people's work!" Kid shouted.
"What are you talking about?" she asked innocently.
"Come up with somethin' new or don't come up with nothing at all!"
"Kid," Heyes cautioned in a low and tempered tone. "Remember your friend is watching."
"What friend?"
"Me, in case you've forgotten. I just don't want you doing or saying something to Kate that we're both gonna regret. Have I ever steered you wrong?"
"You want an itemized list of the number of times, or just a rough count?" Kid asked.
"What in the world has got you so riled up?" Kate asked as she too folded her arms across her chest.
"You!" Kid replied. "You have got me so riled up!"
"What did I do?"
"I just told you. You're takin' old material and trying to claim it as your own and that's… that's… what's the word, Heyes?"
" Plagiarism?"
Kid nodded emphatically. "That's plagiarism."
"Well, excuse me," Kate replied rather indignantly. "And since when did you become such an authority on stealing?"
Heyes chuckled. "Ah, we are authorities on stealing. In case you've forgotten, stealing is kind of the whole premise of our existence."
"You stay out of this," Kate said sternly before turning her attention to the only man who could manage to make blue eyes smolder and instantly turn her into a pile of defenseless jelly.
But Kate was determined not to be intimidated by the most intimidating make-believe outlaw in the history of the west. "For your information Mister Curry, I have not even used the word jig in this story. I don't know who put a burr under your saddle, but you need to just calm yourself down and stop talking to me in that tone of voice," she replied sternly.
"She's got you there, Kid," Heyes said as he leaned across the desk to read the computer screen. "There's not a word about a jig."
Kid huffed and folded his arms across his chest. "Well… in that case… my apologies."
Kate uttered a sigh of relief. "Now, would you like to tell me what's really bothering you? Something or someone has got you really riled up."
Kid just looked into her eyes but didn't utter a word of explanation.
"You want me to tell her?" Heyes asked.
Kid's eyes darted to his partner. "Sometimes Heyes, you're as bad as they are," he grumbled.
"As bad as who?" Kate asked.
"Them alter-egos, of course! Who else do we ever complain about?" Kid replied.
"So, what have they done now?"
"It ain't what they've done. It's what they haven't done," Kid told her.
"And what may I ask haven't they done?"
"Well, before I tell you that, let me just say that I think we ought to have a face-to-face meeting with them two alter-egos."
Kate uttered an exasperated sigh. "Kid, I don't think that's even possible."
"Why not?"
"For a number of reasons, the first of which we've gone over many times."
Heyes nodded at his partner. "Here comes the 'we're not real' speech, again."
"It's not just that you're not real," Kate said. "It's also that, well, they are real so… I doubt they can even see you."
"You can see us so, why couldn't they?" Kid asked.
"I see you up here," Kate said while tapping her index finger to her temple. "And I know this is hard for the two of you to understand but, no two people see you in quite the same light. Just look at all the different ways we writers write you and you'll see what I mean. And the two alter-egos don't write, they act the part, so they very likely… don't… see… you."
Kid's face contorted into a very perplexed expression for some time as he thought through what Kate had just said.
"Well, they wouldn't hafta see us," he said as his face brightened with what only could be described as a Curry Plan. "You could invite them here for one of them séance parties and you'd be the one we would talk through. You'd do our talkin' for us!"
"I think you two have traveled that road before and it really didn't go too well now did it?" Kate asked.
"She offers another valid point Kid," Heyes told him.
Kid just snorted and shook his head.
"Besides, why is it so important to you to talk to them?" Kate asked.
"It just seems to me that if these two alter-egos would learn to put their foot down once in a while and demand a little respect, then Heyes and me wouldn't keep having to do things like dancing in the street and sporting a glass rock in the belly button."
"Speak for yourself Kid," Heyes quipped. "I've never had to do such things."
"Maybe not them things, but who went prancing into Devil's Hole with a woman? That broke a rule that you yourself made. And, how about making poor Silky dress up like Grandma Curry and carry a gun in her bloomers? Admit it Heyes, you would never in a million years come up with such a lame plan. But sure enough, them alter-egos did it without battin' an eyelash."
Heyes bit his lip as he looked at Kate. "The Kid's on a roll here. Maybe a meeting would help us regain our rightful reputations."
"Which brings us to reason number two that we just can't arrange such a meeting," Kate replied.
"We're listening," Heyes told her.
"Well, problem number two is that… Well, the fact is I don't actually know the alter-egos so, if I were to write to them personally and ask them to attend a meeting with two fictitious outlaws who look exactly like them and go by their alias names… they would be sure to peg me as some kind of nut case."
Kid grinned. "Well, if the corset fits, you wear it."
"Kid Currry, are you calling me a nut?" Kate snarled.
"See Heyes, I told you this would be a waste of time," Kid said, trying to pass all the responsibility to his partner.
"Don't go trying to blame your partner," Kate warned. "I know a Curry plan from a Heyes plan when I hear it."
"And what it that supposed to mean?" Kid asked with a hint of his intimidating voice returning.
Heyes leaned in toward his partner. "It means…."
"I know what it means, Heyes! I just can't believe I'm hearing those words from her! Kate, I'm your favorite! How can you talk about me like that?"
Kate looked at Heyes for assistance, but he just shrugged and threw up his hands.
"Kid, how about a cold beer?" she asked in desperation.
"I think that's a fine idea," Heyes said in an attempt to ease the tension.
"Now you're sounding like Kyle," Kid replied with a hint of amusement that assured Kate that the blue-eyed blond was perhaps, beginning to deescalate.
"Let's head into the kitchen and… see what we can come up with," Kate suggested.
One hour and four beers later Kid had forgotten all about his ire toward the alter-egos and had turned his attention to the more mundane comforts in life, like a fifth beer.
"So Kid, do you understand now why we can't arrange that face-to-face meeting you were wanting?" Kate asked.
With bleary eyes, slurred speech, and jerky head movements, Kid turned to look at Kate. "No, but I understand that you walk a fine line between outlaws and actors," Kid replied. "Tell me, which ones give you the most trouble?"
"That's hard to say," she lied. "It kind of depends on the situation."
"But you prefer us, right?"
Kate grinned. "Kid, are you jealous of the alter-egos? Is that what this is all about?"
Kid thought for a moment, then jerked his head toward his partner and shook his head. "No, I ain't. I mean I wouldn't wanna trade places with them, though I do wish we had indoor runnin' water in our time. But I guess overall, we've got it better than them so I guess I should just be content with the whole situation."
"I think that's a wise decision," Kate told him.
"But you be sure to tell all them other writers that I mean it when I say I ain't doing that jig again."
"I'll tell them," Kate promised, then looked at Heyes. "Don't ever explain reruns to him," she whispered.
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Author's Note: This was just one of those late night, can't sleep because the boys won't stop stalking stories.