'Sup, guys? I'm back to continue telling the tale of how Kaylen conquered... I mean saved... all of Lordran. Prepare to have your mind blown away with yet another chapter of this epic tale.

Warning: This chapter includes fireballs, crazy people, and more fireballs. You have been warned.

Enjoy!

The journey to the undead merchant was short and uneventful. Oscar and Kaylen approached two spear-wielding hollows. Kaylen believed, since he parried one hollow before, that this should be easy.

"Don't worry, Bro. I got this."

So Oscar stayed where he was, and Kaylen ran towards the two hollows with his sword raised high for an overhead swing, which was a horrible mistake, because Kaylen certainly made no attempt to defend himself. So, instead of the action-packed moment, full of impressive parrying and sword fighting awesomeness that he was expecting, Kaylen made himself look like an idiot by flailing his sword wildly before being stabbed in the gut horrifically.

The pyromancer rolled back quickly, refused Oscar's help, and drank some of his estus before rushing back toward the hollows. This whole process repeated for some time before Kaylen got the timing right. At long last, he deflected one hollow's spear with his shield and followed up with a brutal stab to the hollow's ribcage, killing it instantly.

Kicking it off his blade, Kaylen spoke.

"HAHA! Watch your back, Marvelous Chester, because I'm comin' for ya."

He probably should have been paying attention to the second hollow who was about to thrust its spear directly through his back. Kaylen turned around, as his moment of gloating was finished, but he was far too late to try and parry the attack.

As the spear was almost about to skewer him, Oscar appeared almost out of nowhere, and in an impressive show of skill, effortlessly knocked the hollow's spear aside and rammed his sword straight through its body. Kaylen stood in awe of Oscar's surprising level of skill.

"Holy shit, dude."

Oscar kicked the hollow off of his sword before speaking.

"I grew weary of watching you have all the fun, prophet. Shall we continue?" Oscar said with a smug smile.

Kaylen hung his head in inadequacy and took it out on the hollow who was hiding behind a bookcase downstairs. There seemed to be another hollow on the balcony, but Kaylen held Oscar back.

"Well, now… you seem to have your wits about you, hmm? Then you are a welcome customer! I trade for souls. Everything's for sale! Nee hee hee hee hee!"

The merchant motioned one of his hands over his items in a presenting fashion, and kept the other on the sword at his side.

"Where do you receive such fine wares?" Oscar asked.

"He looted them off the corpses of dead adventurers. Ain't that right, ya crazy bastard?"

"Eh? My wares? Of course they're stolen. What did you think? And when you lose your head, I'll sell it all again! Nee hee hee hee hee!"

Oscar grew a bit angry at this statement. He was a man who believed in honor and common decency. So, when the undead merchant spoke of pilfering the bodies of fallen heroes, like it was some sort of fun hobby, Oscar began reaching for his sword. Kaylen saw the movement and put a hand on Oscar's shoulder.

"Let's try to keep this peaceful."

Oscar glared at the undead merchant before responding.

"Fine. Let's just hurry and get out of here."

"Are you going to buy something or not?" the merchant said in an irritated tone.

Kaylen wouldn't mind killing this idiot. He's virtually unimportant and only useful in the beginning of the game, but Kaylen decided to calm down and make this quick.

"I need the heater shield and that key of yours."

"Oh, the night watchman's key? You're welcome to take it. Not much loot left down there. Yulia and I-"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, just give me the damn key. I got to save an idiot who somehow locked himself in a house."

Oscar stared at him blankly. Well, he was wearing a helmet, so every stare was blank to Kaylen.

"I have it right here, if you have the souls to pay for it."

He held out a single iron key. Kaylen closed his eyes and willed souls to come out of his body to give to the merchant. After a few seconds, white wisps began to come out of Kaylen's mouth and into the disgusting hole in the merchant's face where his nose should have been.

"Thank you kindly" he said before tossing the key to Kaylen and sliding the shield to his feet."

Kaylen caught the key and picked up his new shield.

"Okay, now that's done, I think I should warn you to leave Undead Burg." Kaylen said.

"And why is that?"

"Because it's a definite 50-50 chance that I'll come back, kill you, and take your sword."

Oscar was a bit surprised. He did not think that Kaylen was the type of person to threaten someone, and seeing as he did not like the merchant, he decided to join in on the fun.

"Do not worry; it will be quick and clean; you will never see him coming. The insane deserve at least that mercy."

Kaylen smiled as Oscar joined in and could not pass up the chance to see the merchant squirm a bit.

"Mercy? No, we can't have that here."

Kaylen leaned in a little towards the merchant's face.

"I'll make sure that you see me coming, and after I kill you, I'll be sure to loot your body and take everything you've got. It'll be no different than how you steal the corpses of fallen knights."

The merchant was looked at these two strong looking men and knew that he would never be able to take on either one of them if they attacked him. He was almost shaking in fear as he spoke.

"What? But I've never hurt anybody. It's not like they're using the things I take anymore." He pleaded

"I don't think I care. How about you, Oscar?"

"Seems to me he will be getting what he deserves."

The merchant believed that the pair intended to strike him down now, so he gripped his sword in anticipation.

"So what will you do, merchant? Will you run and hide like the disgusting rat you truly are? Or will you stand and fight like a man?"

Oscar was joking a moment ago, but after hearing Kaylen speak, he almost believed that he was encouraging the merchant to fight back.

The Merchant sat silent for some time before coming to a decision. He stood up, drew his sword and readied himself to fight Kaylen. He may have been afraid of this man, but he would not hide and wait to be hunted down like some animal.

He held his sword in shaky hands and began to speak.

"Y-You've gone mad, have you!? I'll teach you! You lousy rat!"

Kaylen simply smiled at the statement, and for what seemed like an eternity to the merchant, nobody moved. Then Kaylen reached around and pulled something from his satchel and held it out to the merchant.

"Looks like there still some fight in you yet. Here, I think you've earned this."

Kaylen held his hand out to give the merchant a humanity sprite. The merchant looked back and forth at the sprite and at Kaylen, as if his brain was having a problem processing exactly what was going on.

"Is… is this some sort of trick?"

"Nope. That was a just test, and I am happy to say that you passed with flying colors."

The merchant still did not believe him. This was a humanity sprite; nobody would just hand it over as if it is some cheap trinket. So he just stood there with his sword raised, ready for the surprise attack he believed was coming.

"There is a bonfire upstairs where you can use this to become human again. Here, I'll prove to you that we mean you no harm."

Kaylen then dropped his shield and shortsword and held both of his hands up to show that he was completely disarmed. Oscar soon mimicked Kaylen's actions when the merchant glanced over at him.

"I'm sorry about threatening you, but I need your help. But if you're going to help me, I need you human and I need you a little saner."

The merchant thought long and hard, not wanting to trust these strangers, but relishing the idea of being human again. So with his sword still drawn, he spoke.

"F-fine, but I want you two to walk in front where I can keep my eyes on you."

Kaylen and Oscar picked up their weapons and led the merchant to the bonfire in the tower. The trip seemed to go a little slower, as the merchant still believed that the two would betray him at some point and refused to lower his weapon. But when they finally arrived, the merchant seem to trust them enough that he held his sword at his side, as Kaylen handed him the humanity sprite.

He approached the fire and stooped to one knee, then he held the humanity to offer it to the flame. After a moment, the merchants flesh seemed to regenerate and grow back. It was particularly gross for Kaylen to watch as his eyes seem to grow from the inside of the sockets. Gone was the pink and rotten flesh that the two had grown accustomed to. Now, the merchant's human body was restored.

He was not a particularly handsome man. He had long, wild black hair that went to his shoulder and covered his face, and deep blue eyes that seemed so cold and uncaring.

He turned to face Kaylen and Oscar.

"Thank you for this, kind sir."

"No problem, man." Kaylen said with a chuckle.

There was then an awkward silence between the three warriors as each stood, wondering what to say next.

"Well, I know that things like this come with a price, and you did say that you needed my help. Let me guess, you want me to join you on your righteous quest or something, right?"

"Glad to see that becoming human again has not changed you demeanor in the slightest." Oscar said with a chuckle.

"Actually, no, I don't want you to join us. I need you to play bodyguard for a while."

"What do you mean bodyguard?" the merchant asked.

"Do you know where Firelink Shrine is? There is a fire keeper there by the name of Anastasia. I want you to go there and protect her."

"Firelink Shrine? What would be coming for her there? From what I hear, the place is a sanctuary. She will not be attacked by any creature there."

"You're not protecting her from a monster; you're protecting her from a man."

Oscar suddenly stood at attention at the new piece of information. Who would want to harm Anastasia?

"He wears golden armor and goes by the name Lautrec. He will come to try to speak with Anastasia, I want you to keep him away from her at any cost."

"Prophet, why did you not speak of this to me?" Oscar exclaimed.

"I'll explain later, Oscar. But there is no need to worry. Lautrec's locked in a jail cell in the undead parish. He's not going anywhere right now."

This revelation calmed Oscar down a bit. The merchant sighed as if he was being annoyed.

"Fine. I suppose protecting your Firekeeper should be enough to repay my debt to you. It's probably safer at Firelink Shrine anyway."

With that, the undead merchant walked out of the tower and headed toward Firelink Shrine. As soon as he left, Kaylen and Oscar decided to rest by the fire for a bit. After a few minutes of silence, Oscar spoke.

"Did you plan on recruiting him from the beginning?" Oscar asked.

"Nah, I just had a gut feeling that he might be useful."

Oscar gave a slight sigh.

"So you risked our lives for a 'gut' feeling you had about a mad man?"

Kaylen gave a shrug and a smile to Oscar.

"Well, when you say it like that, I sound like an asshole."

Oscar gave a tired sigh before he began speaking again.

"Tell me more about this Lautrec."

"What do you want to know?"

"Everything you can tell me."

"Lautrec is a knight from Carim and a devout follower of the goddess Fina. His love for Fina makes him a psychopath who doesn't care about other people and readily kills them after they've served their purposes. He wants to kill all the Firekeepers to help usher in the Age of Dark."

Oscar clutched his fist in anger and spoke to Kaylen in a lowered angry voice.

"Why did you not speak of this this before?"

"I can explain that. You see, Anastasia was destined to be killed by Lautrec and I started to think that choosing that path may not have been such a bad thing becau-"

"CHOOSING THAT PATH WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN SUCH A BAD THING?"

"Oscar, listen man, we would have-"

"YOU BASTARD. YOU PROMISED HER, YOU PROMISED HER THAT YOU WOULD GIVE HER FREEDOM."

"And I will, but-"

"YOU WERE GOING TO LET HER BE KIL-"

"THAT'S ENOUGH, OSCAR!"

Kaylen spoke in a very loud and authoritative voice that Oscar never would have dreamed would come from his mouth. The sheer amount of anger and outrage he heard in Kaylen's tone immediately stopped Oscar's angry rant.

"If Lautrec had killed Anastasia, the chosen undead would be destined to track him down in Anor Londo, kill him and take Anastasia's soul back. They would then use the souls to completely revive Anastasia. Which means she would have her tongue back and she would no longer be mute. But I chose instead to save her from Lautrec. That is why I sent the merchant to guard her."

After hearing Kaylen's enraged words, Oscar felt like a complete and utter fool. How could he doubt that the prophet would protect Anastasia? How could he even think that he would let her die? After letting Kaylen calm down a bit, Oscar spoke.

"I... am sorry, prophet."

Kaylen silent for a moment. But soon returned to his cheery and somewhat annoying personality.

"Don't worry about it, Bro. I know you mean well, but if we're going to be fighting together, we are going to need to trust one another."

"On my honor, I swear will never again doubt you again."

On that, they both stood up and looked each eye to eye, and fist bumped each other. Kaylen wore a large smile across his face, and although Kaylen could not see it through the helmet Oscar was smiling to.

After Kaylen told Oscar the positions of the enemies and the types that they will be facing, the two walked across a small bridge, and Oscar ran into a room and cut down a hollow that tried to rush them, while Kaylen incinerated one in the back.

Suddenly, the wooden door on the left crashed open, and another hollow rushed in, only to be burned by Kaylen's magic.

They both ducked into the interior of a house and slew the hollow in the first room. Kaylen ran to the dining room and retrieved some black firebombs from a chest, while Oscar went out onto the balcony and backstabbed a hollow before it could react. They both regrouped at a large staircase that led to an even higher rooftop.

Kaylen retrieved his shortsword from his satchel and nodded to Oscar, letting him know to prepare to battle multiple enemies. The two warriors walked up the staircase and immediately spotted three hollows. Kaylen knew this was no time for jokes or puns, but he just couldn't help himself.

The hollows readied themselves as soon as they saw the two warriors approaching.

"Whoa, whoa! Just take it easy, guys! I did one of those "Adopt a Tiger" things a few weeks back, not just because it's the right thing to do, but also for when I'm in a confrontation like this one. I can be all like 'Hey, come at me bro, I'm the adoptive father of a Bengal tiger, yeah he'll get ya!' Well I mean he lives in the Himalayas, but ya know if you should somehow find yourself there, you better sleep with one eye open, homes!"

The sentence completely killed the foreboding mood. Oscar immediately face-palmed his helmet and the hollows paused in a state of confusion for a second before two of them charged at the duo. One hollow remained in the back and started to throw firebombs.

This moment was probably the most awesome tag team action Kaylen had ever experienced. The two made quick work of the two hollows. The one that was trying to attack Kaylen was running with its sword high above its head for an overhead swing. Kaylen blocked the attack and, as the hollows blade bounced off his shield, slashed the hollow across the chest, leaving a large and bloody laceration.

The hollow that Oscar was facing attacked in a similar manner, Oscar simply parried the blow and stabbed the hollow through the chest. It was at that moment that the last hollow threw a firebomb at Oscar. Thinking fast, he quickly kicked the hollow off his blade and blocked the firebomb that was thrown at him.

Acting almost in unison, Kaylen and Oscar charged at the remaining hollow screaming at the tops of their lungs, and stabbed it in its chest. As their swords pierced its body at the same time, Kaylen silently wished someone was recording this.

They both pulled their swords from the hollow's body, and Oscar looked at Kaylen.

"Prophet… you're an idiot."

Kaylen chuckled at Oscar's comment.

"Hey, just do what I do. Blame the Internet."

Oscar just sighed. He didn't know what the Internet was, but he wasn't going encourage Kaylen to make another joke.

The two then made their way down the next staircase, where a pair of hollows were waiting for them on the parapet. Kaylen used the key he had gotten from the merchant to enter a nearby house. He went out the back door and retrieved gold pine resin from a chest in the garden. Then he leaped over the wall to confront the third hollow that was slowly joining the other two in front.

"SURPRISE, MOTHAFUCKA!"

Kaylen screamed in a ridiculously deep voice as he backstabbed the hollow causing the other two to turn around in surprise. Almost on cue, Oscar backstabbed the hollow in the front while it was distracted.

The final hollow looked back and forth between Kaylen and Oscar as if trying to decide whom it should attack. They both charged at the hollow. Oscar charged at the hollow with his shield, violently pushing it to the ground and Kaylen finished it off with a stab in the gut.

"Alright, one last thing." Kaylen said.

He moved up yet another staircase and ran up past a bend. After taking a few more steps, a flaming barrel came flying down. So Kaylen quickly turned around and ran back down the stairs toward Oscar. Behind him, the barrel rolled over the bend and into the walkway disappearing from sight. It still wasn't safe, though, as the hollow who threw the barrel blindly ran down the stairs. Oscar blocked its sword strike and followed with a stab to its ribcage.

"YEAH!" Kaylen said getting into the game to much. "Now all that's left for us to do is slay the Taurus Demon."

"What's a Taurus Demon?"

"It's this monster that's as big as a house, and it has this HUGE greataxe that it uses to smash anyone who gets in its way." Kaylen said almost sounding excited.

Oscar let out a sigh of annoyance.

"So, we are going to fight a giant, greataxe-wielding demon. Sure, why not add demons to the list of things that are trying to kill us?" Oscar said sarcastically. "What's the worst that could happen?"

"Oscar, what the hell, man? Don't say that shit out loud!" Kaylen screamed.

"Why not?"

"Bad things always happen when people say that."

"Bad things like wha-?"

Kaylen's face suddenly looked panicked as a large shadow fell over Oscar, but Oscar did not notice it in the slightest.

"MOVE!"

Kaylen shouted as he pushed Oscar out of the way as a sword ripped through the concrete where he had been standing moments before. Kaylen jumped back, putting some distance between him and the large figure as he drew his shield.

Oscar rose from the ground and simultaneously studied the figure and drew his own sword and shield.

The figure was tall, its armor was pitch black, and it wielded a greatsword in one hand and a black shield in the other.

"Dammit Oscar, look what you did."

"What? I did nothing…."

"What's the worst that can happen?" Kaylen said while making an idiotic face and trying to mimic Oscar's voice. "It's fine if you wanted to commit suicide, but ya didn't have to drag me down with you."

Kaylen was making jokes, but in reality he was terrified beyond belief.

The figure's sword was huge and since it just cut through the ground like it was butter, it had to be very strong and very heavy, but it raised the sword from the ground like it weighed almost nothing, and faced the two warriors.

Oscar was very nervous. This thing towered over both of them and looked as if it could cut them both down in one swing of its blade.

"Prophet, can this… thing… be defeated?"

Then something happened that shook Oscar to his very core. For the first time since Oscar had met him, Kaylen had no clever or idiotic comment to make. Whatever this thing was, it was not to be taken lightly.

What is this new threat? Will the two warriors be able to find a way to defeat it? Does the crestfallen warrior give a damn about any of this?

Find out next time on Dragonball… I mean Dark souls: Derp Edition.

Well, guys, I hope you enjoyed chapter 3 of the story. Remember to leave a comment and a review to tell me how I did. Chapter 4 will be coming very soon.

*Special thanks to Antoine for beta-reading