What ups, guys? Sorry it took me a while to make this chapter. Kind of had a lot on my plate recently (praising the sun takes time). I'll make sure to post the next chapter in a shorter time frame.
Alright, here's the next chapter in the derp saga. Enjoy!
Warning: This chapter contains people being skewered multiple times, Solaire being way too cheerful, and Oscar being a NOOB.
The three warriors stood on the bridge and stared at the crimson drake that was now perched upon the opposite side.
The prophet asked everyone to give him their weapons before he explained what they had to do. Not knowing what he planned to do with their weapons, they could find no reason not to give them to him.
They then watched as he nonchalantly tried to put the weapons in his small satchel and were surprised when their weapons seemed to disappear inside.
"By the gods, how did you do that?" Solaire asked, somewhat in awe.
"How did I do what?" Kaylen replied, confused.
Oscar opened his visor, showing the surprised look on his face, and examined the small container.
"That pouch. What is it?"
"Oh, this thing?" Kaylen said while raising the satchel. "I call it the super legendary bag of mysteries Mach 5. Or the Magic Satchel for short.
Oscar gave a tired sigh before lowering his visor and speaking.
"Great, glad I asked." he said sarcastically.
"Speaking of names," Kaylen added, "we have yet to give our little group here one. I, for one, think we call ourselves H.E.L.M.E.T."
"Helmet?" Solaire said.
"Yep, H.E.L.M.E.T, the Heroic Elite Legion Making Elite Tacos."
"Do you think you can go 1 minute without saying or doing something stupid?" Oscar said.
"I can sure as hell try." Kaylen responded.
Now with the jokes aside, Kaylen began relaying instructions on how they were going to get across.
"Alright, guys" Kaylen said, "halfway across the bridge, there's a staircase on the right. We're going to have to make a run for it there before that drake roasts us alive."
"Why do we not simply run to the other side of the bridge?" Oscar asked.
Kaylen gave a slightly irritated sigh before responding.
"Because I'm not very fond of burning to death, ya god damn casual." Kaylen said.
Oscar was not sure what the term "Casual" meant, but he was sure it was an insult. Deciding to let it go though, he watched as Kaylen got into a running stance.
"Okay. Ready, get set, by the way Oscar that was one minute, GO. WOOPWOOPWOOPWOOP!" Kaylen screamed in a high-pitched voice before sprinting across the bridge, flapping his arms wildly.
After a slight moment to be amazed that Kaylen managed to both do and say something stupid immediately after one minute, Oscar and Solaire sprinted after him.
Seeing the three warriors darting across its bridge, the drake suddenly made an ear-splitting roar and started to beat its wings. The trio was nearly at the stairs when it jumped down from its perch and unleashed a wave of flame upon the bridge.
At that moment, three things happened. Oscar screamed the word "DAAAMMMIITTT", Kaylen continued shouting "WOOPWOOPWOOPWOOP!", and Solaire started laughing like a madman.
Just as the flames of the dragon were about to reduce them to ash, they all took a flying leap down the staircase, tumbling down in a mass of armor and limbs. When they reached the bottom, they were all piled on top of one another, with Kaylen on the top, Solaire in the middle, and Oscar somehow winding up beneath the two warriors.
Kaylen then stood up and raised his hands in triumph.
"WHOO, YEAH! WHO'S UP FOR ROUND TWO?" he said in an excited manner.
Solaire and Oscar then slowly rose to their feet. Oscar's heart was pumping so fast he felt it would burst, so he removed his helmet and took a moment to regain himself. Solaire's heart was beating just as fast, but instead of remaining silent, he simply smiled under his helmet at the exhilaration that he was feeling.
"Prophet, you truly are insane." Solaire said with a laugh.
"Oh, thank goodness for that, because if I wasn't, that probably wouldn't have worked." Kaylen replied with a smile, before walking over to a corner and kicking down a ladder. "Okay, now that that's done, let's get a move on, guys."
Kaylen opened his satchel and gave them both back their swords and shields, then gestured toward an opening in the wall that lead to a path under the bridge.
"There's two hollows around this corner and a few giant rats in the room behind them. Should be no problem for us, though." Kaylen said.
Oscar and Solaire nodded in understanding before they proceeded. Kaylen led the way in and quickly killed the first hollow by backstabbing him while he was turned in the opposite direction. While he did that, Oscar took care of the other hollow, who was standing on the edge of a cliff support and blocking their path.
Next, they entered a small room where three impossibly sized rats were lying in wait.
Their body features were disgusting. Their skin was rotting, they each had pure white, dead eyes that seemed to stare at nothing, and one side of their faces looked to be filled to the brim with yellow pus.
"Awww." Kaylen said while approaching one of them with his sword drawn. The creature began to foam at the mouth and growl loudly at him. "Ain't you just the cutest widdle thing?"
The rat suddenly pounced toward Kaylen and attempted to rip through his skin with its disease-ridden teeth, but Kaylen was ready for this and quickly raised his sword and let the rat run itself through.
As the last remnants of life left its body, the other two rats chose that moment to pounce on Kaylen while he was distracted, but Oscar and Solaire quickly came to his defense and killed the rats in the same manner that Kaylen had killed the other one.
With the rats taken care of, the trio walked up a set of stairs and appeared on the opposite side of the bridge past the dragon. On one end, there appeared to be a gate blocking their way to a bonfire, and in the other direction there were stairs leading to an opening.
"All right, we're at the home stretch guys." Kaylen said gesturing toward the archway. "That path is filled with hollows and an armored boar."
"What do you mean 'armored boar'?" Oscar asked.
"Well, the name pretty much sums it up, Oscar." Kaylen chuckled. "It's an armored boar, the boar is now armored. Not really sure how else to say it."
Oscar sighed in annoyance.
"Okay, you made your point."
"Anyway, the boar is not what we should be focusing on. There are five hollows here, two are on top of a high bridge using crossbows, two are right behind the archway with swords and one is on the ground behind the boar. There will be a gate that is currently open in the back. As soon as we approach, the hollow behind the boar will run and close that gate behind him, forcing us to take an alternate path. If we kill him, we'll have a much easier time getting into the church."
"So, what's the plan then?"
"The plan is we all sprint out towards them at the same time. Me and Solaire will use our magic to try and kill the two crossbow-wielding hollows, and I have some black firebombs you can use. After that, then we just need to kill the last hollow before he closes the gate."
Kaylen then pulled out two black firebombs and gave them to Oscar. While Solaire pulled out his Sunlight talisman when Kaylen mentioned magic and prepared himself to use his lightning spear.
"But what about the armored boar?" Solaire said.
"He can't get all of us. Plus, if we all hurry, we can make it on the other side of the gate and close it before it can even get to us." Kaylen said. "Now let's get this show on the road; Priscilla's tail's not gonna fondle itself."
Both Solaire and Oscar looked at Kaylen with a dumbfounded look that was hidden behind their helmets.
"What did you-?" Oscar started.
"Nothing. Forget I said anything" Kaylen said before walking in front the archway with an embarrassed look on his face. "And you guys better not tell her I sai-ARGAHAAAA."
Oscar and Solaire watched in horror, as a heavily armored creature suddenly charged from the archway and rammed its large tusk through the Prophets body and continued running until it slammed his body into the gate at the opposite end.
Kaylen was coughing up blood large amounts of blood as he held onto the tusk that he was impaled on, desperately trying to keep it from going any deeper into his body.
"PROPHET!" Oscar screamed.
The creature roared loudly before violently shaking its head back and forth.
The prophet screamed in pain as the horn slid out of his body and he was hurled into the wall.
Then, with Kaylen's fresh blood still dripping off its tusk, the beast then turned its attention to the two remaining warriors.
"YOU BASTARD!" Solaire said as he used his talisman to summon a lightning bolt and started to approach the beast.
"NO, YOU WON'T GET THIS CHANCE AGAIN!" Kaylen screamed with blood streaming out of his mouth and the hole in his abdomen. "HEAD FOR THE GATE!"
With slight hesitation the two warriors followed the prophet's orders and ran as fast as they could, but as soon as the armored boar saw them running in the opposite direction, it lowered its head, pawed the ground, then charged right after them.
"Damn. I-I was so careless." Kaylen put his hand on his wound to try and stop the bleeding, then he slowly pulled out his estus flask and took two large chugs of the bright yellow liquid. The hole in his stomach quickly closed and Kaylen was once again ready for battle.
"I gotta be more careful. Next time I might not be as lucky." After feeling his body to confirm the wound was gone, he stood up and ran after his two companions and the armored boar.
Oscar and Solaire had broken into a dead sprint through the archway with the boar right on their tail. The hollows were placed exactly where the prophet predicted they were. The two hollows with swords tried to attack them and slow them down, but they simply blocked both of their attacks with their shields, quickly cut down the attacking hollows, and continued running straight for the hollow who was currently running toward the now open gate.
The two crossbow-wielding hollows quickly shot at the approaching intruders, but neither of their arrows found their mark. They then killed both hollows without stopping or slowing their pace. Solaire threw a fully charged thunderbolt at one of the hollows, killing it instantly, and Oscar threw one of the black firebombs at the remaining hollow, killing it in a large explosion.
They both were right behind the running hollow. They were so close that they felt they could already see the hollow dead and lying on the ground. But then something happened that they did not expect.
There were already two hollows on the opposite side of the gate, and upon seeing a lone hollow, two strong looking warriors and an armored boar running in their direction, one of them jogged toward the crank on the side of the wall and pulled it.
This was it. The gate was closing fast and if they couldn't make it, they would surely be skewered upon the boar's horns. So, they ran; they ran with everything they had in their body. Just as the gate was about to close on them, the two warriors ran through it to the other side.
But they did not stop running; they could not stop running. Because they weren't the only ones who made it through the gate. The armored boar was still chasing them.
"Dammit." Oscar cursed aloud as the pair ran past the three hollows, up the stairs and inside an old, run down church.
Once inside, they noticed a Balder knight standing with its back turned away from them. But it quickly turned around when it heard the angry grunts of the armored boar.
Now surrounded, Oscar and Solaire stood back to back with their shields raised.
Oscar stood facing the Balder knight, who had readied its shield and rapier. While Solaire faced the armored boar, who stood at the entrance of the church pawing the ground and grunting loudly.
Solaire quickly summoned another bolt of lightning and readied himself to fight.
"Seems like we're in quite the pickle." Solaire chuckled. "I wonder what the prophet would say if he were here right now?"
Oscar smiled under his helmet before he spoke.
"He'd probably say something like 'Alright guys'," He then tried to mimic the prophet's voice. "I hope you brought your wallet, because the rent in hell is paid in advance."
Completely ignoring their situation, Oscar and Solaire laughed loudly at the joke. Both thinking that the prophet would say something exactly like that.
"Heh, I think his personality might be starting to wear off on me." They both unknowingly thought at the same time.
From the entrance of the archway, Kaylen watched as the boar followed his comrades into the church and the gate closed behind them.
"Well, that's just great." Kaylen said with a bit of irritation. "Guess I gotta take the long way around."
Kaylen walked into the center of the area and surveyed his surroundings and noticed the two dead hollows at the top of the bridge and chuckled slightly.
"Holy crap, the plan actually worked? Those guys are officially bad asses."
Kaylen had to take a moment to admire that they actually pulled it off before speaking again.
"All right, better hurry and go save those idio-ARGAHAAA"
The prophet suddenly screamed in pain as a sword was suddenly plunged through his stomach. After looking down in horror at the sword protruded from his body, He began screaming in agonizing pain as his body was suddenly kicked off the blade.
As blood once again poured from his stomach, the prophet slowly rose on his hands and knees and violently cough up blood large amount of blood. He then slowly turned to face the backstabber.
"D-Dammit… not you again." he choked out.
Standing before him was a knight in pitch black armor, wielding a large straight sword that was now covered in blood.
Kaylen quickly took out his estus flask and took a chug, healing his current would. He was then met with another surprise.
"Heh, this just keeps getting better and better." he said before turning the flask upside down, allowing a single drop of estus to fall from the flask. "Guess if I get gutted this time, I won't have estus to save me."
The prophet then stood up and faced the black knight.
"Ya know, back where I come from, people have always wondered which was better. The Zweihander or the Black Knight's Straight Sword." Kaylen said in a serious and grave tone of voice before raising his sword in front of him and applying the last of his gold pine resin to his blade. "I think it's about time we settled that argument."
Kaylen then charged at the black knight, ready to face whatever destiny had in store for him.
Will the prophet survive the encounter with the black knight? Will Oscar and Solaire be able to defeat the boar and Balder knight?
Find out next time on Dark souls: Derp edition.
The next chapter will be coming soon guys.
Bring on the comments.
*Special thanks to Antoine for beta-reading