Sully felt a small smile cross his lips at the sound of Michaela's approaching footsteps.
"Colleen's right, not too windy." Sully remained seated on the top step of the porch, shaking hands with Wolf playfully.
"Not too cold, either." Michaela hovered by the doorway, closing the door and waiting before crossing the porch.
"Tonight weren't such a great idea, was it?" Sully watched as Wolf paced across the yard, distracted.
"I'm worried about Brian. He came home from school today, he has been acting up the last two days now," Michaela took several steps along the porch, still remaining closer to the door than to Sully.
"He's havin' a tough time, you know what kids are like. It'll pass." Sully kept his head hung, busying himself by picking off various pieces of dirt from his buckskins.
"I just wish there was something I could do. I can't stand seeing him upset like this." Michaela leaned against the homestead, gazing at the sunset before her.
"Just somethin' he needs to go through, ain't nothin' you can do sometimes," Sully sighed, frustrated about having to procrastinate around the real issue.
"But I'm his mother," Michaela trailed off, unsure as to how to complete her sentence.
"I know. And I know you feel bad not bein' able to fix everything. Sometimes you can't though, some thing's just," Sully couldn't find the right words, aware that his mind was no longer thinking about Brian and his school bullying problems.
Michaela remained still, the truth to Sully's comments reminding her of what they both knew they were really talking about. Feeling the tension build between them with each passing moment of silence, Michaela reflected on the trivial conversations they'd had over dinner.
"You're sure you don't mind taking Brian swimming tomorrow? I just would have thought you'd have had other things that were more important?" She spoke delicately, her mind drifting to Cloud Dancing and the rest of the Cheyenne village.
"No, told him I'd take him, and I will. As I said, want to help with the children where I can, same as always," Sully cleared his throat, fighting the desire to turn and lock eyes with Michaela.
"Well, you know how much you mean to them," Michaela clasped her hands in front of her, trying to deduce where she stood with Sully. He'd made no reference to her whatsoever.
Michaela suddenly remembered his presence this morning.
Sully heard the crispness in her voice, wishing he could turn around, look at her, without fearing she'd look away. Wishing he could pull her into his arms and hold her. Sighing in response, he knew he couldn't. Michaela had made her position very clear several days earlier. She wanted him to help with the children, nothing more.
"Why did you just walk off this morning?" She asked out of the blue, deciding a painful answer was better than none.
"Didn't know you'd seen me." He rested his hands either side of his body against the wooden step.
"I didn't at first. I wasn't even sure it was you until I saw you leaving," Michaela leant forwards slightly, her back pulling away from the supportiveness of the wooden wall. She felt the pins and needles return to her arms and legs once again. The anxiety almost choking her, she struggled to think clearly.
"Guess I need to work on my camouflaging a bit more," Sully swallowed, noticing the sky beginning to darken around them.
"You still haven't answered my question. Why were you out here?" She continued, loathing the idea of being spied upon.
"Was just checking you were all right, didn't want to bother you," Sully responded quietly, knowing Michaela would be quick to reassure him she didn't need his protection. Anymore.
"I don't need you looking out for me. The decent thing would have been to at least announce yourself." She pulled her hair across her left shoulder, beginning to retie the rawhide bow.
"Well then, I promise it won't happen again," Sully gave in, turning to look at her, seeing once again the emptiness in her face.
"Good." came the immediate reply, Michaela looking out towards the horizon, a gentle breeze beginning to blow.
She could feel her heart pounding throughout their extremely strained conversation, her breathing rising in her chest, being torn between wanting to burst into tears, and not allowing herself to.
She could feel Sully's ill-ease also. He didn't know what to say to her, and with every glance in her direction Michaela could see him thinking about what she had been through, as if he were able to see the events playing out behind his eyes each time he looked at her.
Michaela turned back towards the door, her final thought forcing her to turn from his sight. If he was thinking about what had happened, she knew he was thinking about where their relationship had been prior to the previous several weeks. Swallowing as she reached for the door, Michaela heard him get to his feet behind her, realizing what they had had could never be again.
He would not love her in the same way, how could he? How could she expect any man to love her now.
Of course he would feel sorry for her, be polite, and help with the children, but he would never look at her with that mischievous spark in his eye, never run his fingers around her waist, never bring his lips tenderly to hers.
Michaela gripped the door handle tighter in her right hand, the taste of honey coming to her lips instantly. Her left hand brushing her mouth, sensations, images, and sounds jumbling together into an emotional rollercoaster inside her head, Michaela pushed through the door back into the homestead, crossing the room to take the soapy dishes from Colleen, not a word passing between them.
Sully remained still until she'd left his sight, feeling the guilt wash over him once again. Michaela had been right.
Watching her every moment of every day for the rest of his life would never be able to make up for the days he'd spent unconscious on the cliff floor. How could he have been so foolish to have thought their relationship could be what it once was.
Despite loving her with every fiber of his being, Sully knew that was not what she wanted. Knowing Michaela Quinn had never wanted a life of convention, he forced himself to dismiss what their relationship had been, sure that they would never be more than close friends now, if even that.
Sully realized it was also selfish to expect anything more than that. Images from the previous day flooding back into his mind, reminding him that after what she had endured, he could not expect her to feel about him, as he had felt she once had.
Subconsciously nodding his head as he thought, he resolved he would tough it out. He'd let her down once before, and that wasn't about to happen a second time. Nothing would see them separated again.
~.~
X.O.X
Saturday, 22nd May, 1869
One Day Later
X.O.X
~.~
Brian crept quietly along the floorboards, pushing the curtain aside just enough to be able to make his way across the homestead. His breathing still fast and he squinted to see in the darkness of the small room. He wiped his hand across his tear-stained face.
"Ma? Ma?" he whispered, arriving at her bedside, the moon streaming in from the window catching her face as she slept.
"Ma?" Brian repeated, hesitant to touch her, Colleen's words from several days ago repeating in his mind.
His face fell when she didn't stir. Brian hung his head, his jaw trembling from the nightmare he'd just had. Taking several steps closer towards her, the small boy bent down quietly, until his head was resting just above hers. Listening for several moments, he was immediately reassured at the sound of her breathing, images from his nightmare still haunting him.
Again, careful not to make any noise, the young boy tip-toed cautiously around to the other side of Michaela's bed, before very slowly and quietly climbing onto the bed, slipping his legs under the quilt, and resting his head on the pillow. Reaching out to run his fingers through the ends of Michaela's hair which were splayed across the mattress between them, Brian locked his left hand around the final few inches, letting his eyes fall closed in the reassurance that she was all right.
~.~
X.O.X
Sunday, 23rd May, 1869
One Day Later
X.O.X
~.~
Michaela awoke, the sun beaming directly into her eyes. Yawning, she rolled over onto her back, her left-hand colliding with Brian's head.
"Brian?" Michaela whispered, her voice still gravelly from sleep, a mixture of concern and shock evident in the harshness of her tone.
Pulling herself into a sitting position, Michaela watched the boy continue to sleep for several minutes. Stroking his hair affectionately, Michaela wondered what he was doing there. Why hadn't he woken her if he was ill? Even if he'd had a nightmare, he usually woke her, or Colleen. So why hadn't he this time?
"Brian, it's morning sweetheart," Michaela rubbed his back as he squinted his eyes in an attempt to wake up.
"Ma?" Brian looked awkwardly around him, realizing where he was.
"Is something wrong? Did you have a bad dream?" Michaela began straightening out his hair around his face, Brian waking up more fully and beginning to remember his dream from the night before.
"Uh-huh," he nodded, wiping the sleep from his eyes, and sitting up tiredly.
"Would you like to talk about it?" Michaela rested her hands together back in her lap, relaxed by the fact that Colleen was still asleep.
Brian looked down uncomfortably.
"I, I dreamt that you didn't come back, Ma. That nobody could find you. Everyone thought you were dead, and the Reverend had to do a funeral and everything. Just like when my real Ma died," Brian replied, remnants of his nightmares replaying themselves over and over in his head as he talked.
"Oh, sweetheart, that's a horrible dream to have. But it's all right, I'm back here with you, and Matthew, and Colleen." She pulled him closer to her, wrapping her left arm around his small back.
"I know, it was just really scary," Brian slipped his arms around her waist; head nestled gently against her chest.
"I'm sure it was. Why didn't you wake me?" Michaela kissed the top of his head, her left hand rubbing his upper arm.
"I was gonna, but then I didn't want to make you scared again, like before," Brian sighed, his eyes drifting across the room to the table where the teacup incident had occurred.
"Before?" Michaela frowned slightly, Brian's honest concern coming across in his words.
"Before, when I grabbed your arm and scared you and the teacup broke. Colleen said I can't touch you unless you know I'm gonna, coz you'll get scared. So I couldn't wake you up to tell you 'bout the nightmare." Brian moved his head to look up at her, Michaela's eyes narrowing slightly as she began to realize there were conversations and events going on behind her back that she wasn't remotely aware of.
Looking down at the troubled boy's expression, Michaela could see the conflict across his face.
"Brian, listen to me. Colleen was trying to do the right thing, but I don't want you feeling as though you have to keep anything from me, you understand? Nothing has to change between us. I don't want you to worry about me. I don't care how many cups get broken around here." Michaela squeezed him tighter, her eyes dropping closed in an emotionally pained moment. Brian, taking in her words, remained comforted in her embrace, looked down to the patchwork quilt.
"All right, Ma," he whispered, relieved that he no longer had to worry about getting into trouble around her.
She brought her right hand up to stroke the top of his head. "I love you sweetheart," she whispered, kissing the top of his head.
"Love you too, Ma," Brian brought his arms around her back, pressing his head against her chest.
She kept her lips against his hair, feeling her shoulders drop against his embrace.
He would never know that he had kept her alive.
~.~
X.O.X
~.~
"Mornin', Dr Mike," Olive paced quickly across the meadow, engulfing Michaela in a warm hug.
"Good morning, Olive," Michaela replied politely, watching as Brian jumped from the wagon and arrived at her side.
"Brian, hear you had a birthday party the other day?" The older woman smiled, squeezing the boy's shoulder affectionately.
"Sure did. Wanna see my present?" Brian reached his hand eagerly into his pocket, retrieving his prized possession.
Michaela cringed slightly as Brian displayed the pocketknife to Olive.
"That's very nice, Brian. Tell ya what, think I saw your little friend Steven over by the steps, bet he'd like to see too," Olive attempted to dismiss the child, Brian shrugging stepping closer to Michaela's side.
"He already seen it," Brian stood his ground, watching as Olive looked awkwardly back up at Dr Mike.
"Dorothy informed me you'll be back at the Clinic tomorrow, this true?" Olive changed the subject swiftly, unable, as usual, to conceal her disapproval.
"That's correct," Michaela replied curtly, watching as Colleen found Becky amongst the crowds of townspeople gathering for the Sunday service.
"Bit soon ain't it?" Olive continued, her forehead wrinkling as she emphasized her opinion.
"I don't believe so." Michaela managed to spy Dorothy in the distance, excusing herself courteously from Olive's company, Brian tagging at her heels throughout.
"Ah, Michaela, didn't know if you'd be joining us, today. It's good to see you," Dorothy beamed, however their previous conversation was still fresh in her mind.
"Thank-you," Michaela responded quickly, becoming aware of the attention she was receiving from the twenty or so townspeople around them.
"Mornin' Miss Dorothy," Brian smiled, looking around defensively as he noticed the hushed voices and subtle gesturing in their direction.
"Morning, Brian, the Reverend tells me you're all starting to work on a play, said I'd write about it in The Gazette." Dorothy leant over to address the small boy.
"Yes, ma'am. Don't know what it's gonna be about yet though, the Reverend wants Colleen to help write it, coz she's got really nice writin'." Brian informed her, struggling to maintain her glance, being distracted by people huddlin' around them.
"Well, you tell the Reverend, that I'd be happy to print up the script when it's finished, make copies for everyone." Dorothy too had noticed the gawking and snide comments coming from around them. Protectively she took a step closer, her right hand brushing Michaela's left arm.
"Maybe we should move inside?" Dorothy suggested, her voice hushed, as Brian clung closer to Michaela's right side.
Michaela merely nodded, feeling the anxiety rising from her chest as she felt the numerous pairs of eyes on her. Following behind Dorothy, with Brian at her side, Michaela could hear the whispering, able to make out only fragments of non-complimentary words.
"Ma, why don't you say somethin'? Yell at 'em," Brian tugged on her sleeve, looking around at the sea of judgmental glares.
"Hush, Brian," Michaela found her voice, her hand resting on his head as they approached the steps, Jake Slicker, hands in his pockets, raised an eyebrow, looking suspiciously between Michaela and Dorothy.
"Don't even think about standing in our way, Jake," Dorothy hissed, her voice tinged with a threatening tone he'd never heard before.
"Did I say anything?" he retorted, Loren and Horace arriving at his side with uncomfortable smiles plastered on their faces.
"You were thinkin' about it," Dorothy leant closer towards him, her voice equally menacing.
Dorothy arrived at the top of the stairs, turning, so as to let Michaela and Brian inside before her.
"Aren't you comin' inside, Miss Dorothy?" Brian queried, Michaela turning to reach for his arm.
"I'll be there in a moment, Brian. Save me a place?" Dorothy smiled, the boy satisfied with the reply, disappearing inside the church after Michaela.
Dorothy arrived back down at the bottom of the steps, addressing the three men still muttering amongst themselves.
"I expected more from you, Jake Slicker. And you two, all standin' there like Cheshire cats. Oughta know better. You're just as bad as the rest of 'em," Dorothy gestured her arm loosely to the townspeople gossiping in groups in the distance.
"Aww, Dorothy. It's just, we don't know what to say," Loren defended the men, both Horace and Jake nodding their agreement.
"I mean, it's such a darn horrible thing, nobody wants to talk about it. Not 'round Dr Mike anyway," Horace held his hat nervously in his hands, looking between the men either side of him for support.
"That's just it, don't say anything. Michaela wants to forget about it, so should we. Just treat her exactly as you did before, that's all." Dorothy moved her glance from each of the men in turn.
"Ain't exactly something some of us can forget. Is it now, Horace?" Jake lowered his gaze, the telegraph operator shook his head silently knowing exactly as to what Jake was referring.
"I ain't sayin' it's gonna be easy. But if Michaela can do it, you three certainly can. Now, she's gonna be back at the Clinic first thing tomorrow. Want all a you to make an effort to be, well, normal. Keep an eye out, sure, but don't go actin' like there's a problem. People are gonna be awkward enough going to see her now, ya gotta set an example to the rest of the town. Show everyone that what happened don't make any difference. She's still the only doctor we got, and we don't wanna lose her. You just bear that in mind. Now, I believe the Reverend's about ready to start. Gentlemen. Go and take your seats," Dorothy turned without waiting for acknowledgement, and proceeded back inside.
~.~
X.O.X
~.~
"Mornin' Dr Mike, Brian, lovely to see you both today," Timothy approached Michaela and Brian warmly, Brian afraid he was going to be chastised for his absence yesterday.
"Thank-you, Reverend. I would also like to apologize for someone's behavior on Friday. Brian knows better than that and he's been told to come to you if there are any more problems," Michaela raised an eyebrow in her son's direction, Timothy and Brian exchanging a very shrewd glance.
"Oh, I understand, Dr Mike. Brian, I can assure you, there will be no more problems, either. The offending parties have been spoken to." Timothy phrased his words awkwardly, looking up with relief as Jake, Horace and Loren appeared in the aisle apprehensively.
"Go on, remember what Dorothy said," Loren nudged Jake on the back forcefully, Jake clearing his throat as he fidgeted with his vest, striding down the aisle to take a seat in the row directly in front of Brian.
"Morning', Dr Mike, lovely day, isn't it?" Horace followed closely behind Jake, taking a seat next to Brian, resting his hat on his knees.
"Yes, Horace, very pleasant," Michaela forced a grateful smile, watching as Loren began rubbing his chin restlessly.
"Hey, Mr. Bray!" Brian turned in his seat to greet his elderly friend.
"Mornin' there boy, Dr Mike, I'll. I'll just sit here," Loren sidled towards the row behind Michaela, Brian and Horace, the anxiety dropping from his face the moment he sat down.
Michaela turned her head back towards the front, glancing down at Brian as she heard the footsteps of people filing their way into the church around them.
"Sorry, Dr Mike. Got held up, outside," Matthew tucked his right hand, his now blood-stained handkerchief wrapped around it, under him, taking his seat very gingerly.
"That's quite all right, Matthew. Where's Colleen?" Michaela turned as Matthew sat down next to her somewhat awkwardly.
"I'm not exactly sure," The young man tried to hide the discomfort he was in.
"You all right, Matthew?" Michaela frowned, noticing his right arm hidden by his side.
"Fine. There's Colleen," Matthew quickly changed the subject, Colleen seeing them and approaching quickly.
"Matthew! I just heard what you," Colleen rushed to his side, Matthew silencing her with a violent glare, the young girl swallowing and settling herself next to him.
Michaela, consumed with Brian's idle chatter, had been distracted, Colleen's exasperated words going unnoticed as the rest of the town took their seats, Reverend Johnston arriving at the lectern to begin the day's service.
~.~
X.O.X
~.~
"You find us somewhere to sit, Brian," Michaela handed him the picnic rug, taking the basket of food from the back of the wagon, noticing Colleen and Matthew locked in dramatic conversation by the steps of the church.
Approaching them slowly, Michaela noticed the handkerchief tied around Matthew's right hand. The pair looked up quickly noticing her heading towards them, Matthew whispering quickly to his sister before each adopted a pleasant expression.
"Matthew, care to explain your hand?" Michaela reached forwards, Matthew pulling his arm away defensively.
"Ah, it's ah, nothin'," The young man swapped a discouraged expression with Colleen before offering his hand forwards, Michaela grabbing it instantly and removing the blood-stained handkerchief.
"Matthew!" Michaela gasped, noticing the fresh lacerations to his knuckles.
"Dr Mike's it's not what it," Matthew sighed, Michaela resting a hand on his shoulder as she instructed them to return to the wagon, reaching for her medical bag immediately.
"It looks like, you've been in a fight recently Matthew. And from the color of the blood, freshness of the cuts, I'd say within the last hour or so." Michaela quickly found the ethyl alcohol bottle, removing the cork and preparing to pour it over Matthew's knuckles.
"Well, weren't my idea, just happened. Believe me, it's all over now." Matthew looked around for any sign of Benjamin Avery's family.
"Worth it, was it?" Michaela looked between her eldest son and his injured hand as she doused the wounds.
"Yea, owwww!" Matthew moaned, trying to pull his hand away. "Not really," he quickly contradicted, again exchanging knowing glances with his sister.
"Just who were you fighting with?" Michaela dried the area, beginning to bandage it slowly.
"Ahh, just some kid," Matthew looked away, not being able to meet her eyes as he lied.
"Matthew, the least you two can do is be honest with me," Michaela finished securing the bandage around her son's hand, Colleen nodding slowly for Matthew to disclose.
"Was Benjamin Avery, Dr Mike. He's been pickin' on Brian and Colleen all week. Apparently the Reverend gave them all a good talkin' to on Friday, but that Avery boy wouldn't quit, so I, just set him straight," Matthew lowered his head, aware of Michaela's feelings regarding physical violence.
"And is he hurt?" Michaela replied hastily, remaining suitably professional.
"His folks took him home earlier, he'll live. Hopefully won't be opening his mouth too fast in future though." Matthew turned to Colleen, the girl unable to hide the smile of satisfaction appearing on her lips.
"And you think that's just fine, don't you? The pair of you, Matthew, thinking you can just pick fights with somebody and Colleen, going behind my back and telling Brian what to do and what not to do around me? You two start keeping secrets from me and you're as bad as the rest of them!" Michaela, not realizing she'd raised her voice until Colleen nestled closer to Matthew's side, several nearby townspeople watching curiously.
Colleen, her mouth twitching shamefully, took several steps closer to Michaela.
"We're sorry, Ma. We just couldn't stand the idea of ya gettin' hurt by what people been sayin'. I didn't want Brian upsettin' ya neither," Colleen hesitantly placed an arm around Michaela's back, Matthew nodding slowly in agreement.
"Well keeping the truth from me is worse," Michaela replied curtly, shifting her gaze uncomfortably around the gathering of curious onlookers.