Full title is "If there's a fire you're trying to douse, you can't put it out from inside the house". It's a piece of the lyrics from Washington on Your Side, from Hamilton.

She didn't fully register what she'd done until she felt the stinging sensation on her palm, and Miyako-san's shocked reaction fully registered as being caused by her. Ai still had to take a couple of seconds to center herself. To what had made the woman suddenly stand up while her kids teared up a bit, flinching away from Ai's presence.

The arm in the air only cemented the idea, the damning evidence or something dark and ugly. And the realization that she'd used her free hand to pull each of the twins toward her so they wouldn't run away when she did it only made Ai's heart drop even further.

She hadn't meant to do it. It didn't have to be such a big thing, something that made and broke the way they interacted. A child's prank is only a prank, after all. And yet Ai saw herself momentarily losing her better judgment. Going so far as seeing herself transformed into the adult that represented a threat to the kid. Instead of being the kid that saw the threat coming and could only shrink away.

It felt nauseating.

"Ai!" Miyako-san didn't go for her, but instead pulled the twins away and gave Ai a wary look before checking their faces "What do you think you're doing?!"

"I…" The light eroded from her gaze, breaking the otherwise pristine facial features of a perky young woman. She couldn't see herself reflected anywhere, but everyone's reaction clued Ai enough to flinch away from their gazes.

She stopped understanding their emotions, as her brain rushed into fight or flight mode to protect the one thing she had never seen threatened.

Ai covered her face as she lost control over its appearance.

"I…" Her vision blurred a little, she couldn't understand… No. She didn't want to understand. She didn't want to see, to be there. To acknowledge the fact that, once again, a single slip would cause such a terrible outcome "I… Sorry!"

"Mama…!"

Ai rushed out of the apartment, head low and full of questions. She almost face-planted the door because she didn't stare ahead, and struggled a little to open it and close it behind her while she clenched her stomach as hard as she could.

Some things must never be done, some things are for people that are bad and can't turn their lives around. When Ai joined hands with Ichigo-san, she thought she'd leave all that behind. That she would be able to turn a page in her life, be better off with the bad people away.

Hikaru had been like her. And although things were a lot more complicated if she thought about him, at least she'd been left better off after parting ways. Now she didn't think she'd be half as happy without her kids, the light of her days, the truth at the backstage that loved her through every lie and made-up facet of herself.

And she'd hit them when Miyako-san explained what happened.

That's… No. Even if… But when…

Ai put her back against the wall and let herself slide down, hugging her knees and placing her forehead on them to cover her face while a myriad of emotions went through it. She couldn't hear, the buzzing in her ears was too strong, and the sudden wave of nausea threatened to make her already labored breathing even worse.

It hadn't been that bad, it wouldn't even be seen as appropriate in any other family; much less in Ai's new one. Even if they'd done something terrible, something that threatened the small balance in Ai's life… They were still her babies. They were smart, unmistakably so, but they were still kids. She had no excuse for getting physical with them.

She had no excuse to be a terrible mother.

"Aaahhh… Aaahhh…" The dry heaving didn't stop, and the shadow of her limbs reduced Ai's world to simple glimpses of the light coming from the sides, and the smell of salty sweat coming from her own skin. A bit more nauseating now that she felt so overwhelmed, but something that she could partially ignore for the same reason.

Small details that added up, that made a whole. Things that she thought she could push back, but that were tied to others which created a solid wall around her. Seemingly frail due to its composition, but taking out one of the small pieces was impossible. And so, it became something unstoppable, something that she had to process and depurate while suffering every second.

Why? She'd been in control for so long. Not even her pregnancy saw her losing her mind so easily, so suddenly. The feeling of getting dizzy was a familiar one, but something inside of her just made the experience completely unhelpful. If she could throw up to feel better, she would. But her mouth felt dry instead of watery. And the hiccups she now had were only painful enough to make her flinch, but not strong enough to make her stomach turn. Instead of being symptoms, they felt like pure torture created by her own body.

Deep breaths. Ai needed to take deep breaths. Every second counted, she didn't want to keep suffering. She didn't know what was happening, only that she needed to calm down. And the only thing that came to mind was regulating her breathing, because her heart felt like it'd burst through her ribcage if she didn't get it all under control. It felt like having a jack-in-the-box that refused to go back inside. So she had to painstakingly screw everything back slowly. Making sure everything went in the appropriate space.

Her thoughts came back to her mother, she needed those thoughts put aside. Her mind went back to Hikaru, she unwittingly thought of the hospital. The doctor that left her behind.

No. No, no, no. Not those thoughts either. Other thoughts, simpler thoughts. Practice. What was her schedule? What are the questions that anchors more usually try to sneak in? Choreography. Steps, buildings blocks.

Method acting. Her kids, the way they broke the internet for a little bit back when she recently had them. Their smiles, their cheer, their red cheeks…

No. Not even that.

Those thoughts, the pure thoughts she had reserved. The small joys in her life… They were tainted now.

Something else, anything else. Whatever can make her feel the warmness of a heart. Fans, praise, money, sing, dance. Act, act, act!

A selfless helping hand.

"…"

Ai lifted her head, letting her eyes peer above her arms. She'd stopped shaking and the buzzing had become bearable enough that she could actually hear now. Some of the other apartment owners had come out to see what was happening, or were there for one reason or another. When they crossed eyes with Ai, they pretended not to see. Pretended to be doing anything but sticking their noses where they did not belong.

They couldn't recognize everyone's Ai-chan beneath the homely shorts and loose long-sleeved shirt. Behind the apron she sometimes kept because, although plain, Ai thought it had a cuteness to it. No. All they saw was a young girl shaking in her pants, having trouble breathing, so all they did was stare.

"Are you calmer now?" Miyako-san's soft tone made Ai jump on the spot. The woman had chosen to sit on the floor on the opposite side of the door, giving Ai enough space that they could not have whispered to one another "Are you feeling sick? I'll bring you some water."

"I…" Ai didn't get to finish her sentence as the light-haired woman stood up and went back inside into the apartment. She hadn't expected to see her there, waiting. But her absence made Ai nervous again, made her feel a bit naked.

She wanted to stand, but didn't have the strength for it. She wanted to call for her, but the voice that could melt entire stadiums with its charm was nowhere to be found. Ai had been reduced back to a shivering kid, afraid in an unknown place with no adult supervision. Thinking she'd been abandoned.

Of course, Miyako-san entered Ai's house. So she went back soon enough with a glass of water. This time, she chose to sit to Ai's left, leaving the door on Ai's right. And passed the glass by cupping Ai's hands around it and only letting go after making sure the younger woman held it firmly.

"What are we going to do with you, kid?" Miyako-san sighed, throwing back her head until it touched the wall behind "You know, I've said this several times already. But I did not sign up to being a foster mom. You were already a handful without the twins. Can't be chasing after you now. It's just too much."

Ai wanted to drink, but her throat felt clogged. Like she'd choke if anything went through. So she didn't.

"I think your reaction scared them more than being hit." Miyako-san continued; her voice soft. If a little confused "You looked ready to murder someone back there, I don't think I've seen you this pissed off before."

Ai opened her mouth, but only a whimper came out.

"…What did I do?" A wheeze came after a moment. No better combination of words could've expressed what she felt. No structure in any language half as charged with emotion.

"Hey, these things happen. Sometimes kid can get on your nerves." Miyako-san put her hands on Ai's shoulders, rubbing them a bit "It's part of being a parent, I think."

"I hurt them!" Ai wanted to scream, but only a small pitiful cry came out.

"Yeah." Miyako-san kept rubbing her shoulders.

"It's wrong."

"I didn't say it was right. Just that it's normal." Miyako-san dropped her hands and sighed "You're in the wrong, of course. But even adults have their limits, their feelings can get hurt. Sometimes a kid can pass a limit at a bad time, where we're the most vulnerable. And we just lash out. That's part of being human, and it's only considered wrong because children are small, pitiful, and have no idea what they're doing."

The woman scoffed like she found the idea funny.

"Even if the twins are smarter and better behaved that most children." Miyako-san added, scratching her lower lip while looking away "Eventually the honeymoon phase leaves. And you'll have to step up your mom game. Imagine when they get to their rebellious phase. What will you do?"

"They won't be."

"Of course." Miyako-san scoffed.

Ai finally took the chance to get a small sip, testing if she'd be able to drink somewhat quickly or if she'd have to take things slowly.

"Where… Where are they?"

"In their room, grounded." Miyako-san looked at Ai "What? Did you think I'd play nice cop to your bad cop? No. Otherwise they won't get it. They need to understand that they did something wrong."

"But…"

"A time out doesn't hurt anyone." Miyako-san interrupted her "Regardless of your next move. If you want to go in and start apologizing, be my guest. But please tell them, in no uncertain way, that they are in the wrong."

Ai didn't have an answer for that.

"Kids are kids. If they think everything's fine, they won't learn. It's fine if you're against physical violence. You'll have to work on yourself, but it's fine. But do not confuse educating them right with letting them get away with everything." Miyako-san got Ai's phone from her back pocket "It was important to you, right? You shouldn't give up the things you want just because your kids are too young to understand."

The thought, however abstract, made Ai feel a little less cold on the inside.

"I can't be thinking of this now." Ai still took the device, because it felt like the right thing to do "I… How will I face them now?"

"With confidence, kindness." Miyako-san answered.

"I can't remedy this." She still remembered what it had been to be with her own mother. Even after all this time, it's something that came all too readily to her mind "They'll hate me. I can no longer go back to what it was."

"Oh, they will." Miyako-san laughed, and in that laughter, Ai found herself incredibly tilted "No matter what you do, they'll always remember that one time you hit them because of a harmless prank. They'll resent you, keep grudges, and it'll probably shape their personality until they're about 30 and realize that you were always a great mom and one time where they were little shits and you freaked out does not represent you as a person."

Ai opened her mouth, but seeing Miyako-san shaking her head made her pause.

"Kids are kids. They still don't know anything. They must learn, and one of the worst shocks to any child is seeing that their parents… That their mother, is only human. And not the invincible superwoman they always thought she was." Miyako-san smiled at her reassuringly, and patted Ai's left knee twice before groaning to stand up. Like she needed to do the first to manage the second.

"Wait. What do I do now? I…"

"You think about yourself, you open up." Miyako-san stretched her back, warping her voice slightly as her bones popped "So that when you go back, you can tell them whatever you need to tell them. They're kids, but they're smart. It's not the end of the world."

She smiled at Ai one last time before going back in, leaving the idol alone with her thoughts.

She still felt completely lost, unable to truly process her own thoughts. Having Miyako-san there helped, because she didn't have to pay as much attention to herself as she'd otherwise do. But now? Now everything was slowly dripping into her consciousness. Like a black ink oozing into her memories, painting everything. Tainting it.

She needed someone else, but she couldn't go back where her kids were.

She looked at the phone. The reason for all of this.

She hated the person on the other side of the line for a moment. A brief, fleeting instant. All too real all the same, so much so that it gave Ai clarity. It gave her direction.

Even anger helped here. She pressed for a call.

He didn't answer.

"…" Ai bit her lower lip. It wasn't like her, but she'd started moving. No matter the direction, she just needed to avoid stagnation.

She called again.

"…Hey." The tired voice that picked up was almost alien. It'd taken him a bit to reply, and Ai opened her mouth to complain only to stop. Realizing that it wouldn't make sense to accuse him of not answering when he just did.

"Hey, it's me." She chuckled awkwardly, resting the back of her head against the wall.

"Sure is."

"Ummm… Thanks for telling Miyako-san about… Y'know. We just figured it out." She spoke with a soft tone, slowly to keep her bearings. It might sound strange even to her own ears, but it was the one thing she could do to speak without getting hiccups or her words tangled.

"Is that right?" He didn't sound particularly interested, but the pause he took did make Ai curious "Did someone take your phone? Was it someone you work with?"

The worry wasn't that tangible, but Ai felt sensitive enough to say she could hear it. She had to press her brain for answers, because she couldn't just tell him that her kids too the thing for whatever reason.

"That's… Confidential." Nothing came to mind. So, unable to lie, she just went with the only thing she could do: Shut that line of conversation down.

She cringed on the inside, feeling helpless in having to do that. But she still loved her kids, still wanted to protect them from her own job and what would happen if their existence was revealed… Again.

She hadn't forgotten that her would-be murderer somehow knew that she had kids. He did manage to say that before Hikigaya ran toward him.

"…Is that so?" He sounded unimpressed, probably disappointed too. It made Ai's heart sink even more "Did you solve it, at least?"

"Oh, yeah. Nothing you have to worry about." Ai replied, almost tripping on her own words to get the across.

"Doesn't sound that way." He pointed out.

"I…" Ai tried to make her words work again, get her years of performance to help her there. But her mind was too much of a mess, her heart too broken by her own actions. So far, she hadn't even thought she could hurt herself like this. So imagine the sheer shock of going through so many… Feelings "It's still terrible."

"No doubt." He didn't flinch or hesitate, and instead let out a sigh like he'd been reminded of something from the past "People can be cruel. Jealousy, resentment, feelings of inferiority… They're all too human, and there's no way of escaping them. You know what they say: You know you're succeeding when people start saying you're cheating."

The light in Ai's eyes hadn't come back yet, but even like this she had to do a mental double take at whatever the hell Hikigaya thought he was saying.

"People don't say that." She replied in a perfect deadpan. The best "smart retort" she'd managed thus far.

"They don't? That's weird." He did another pause "People that don't put as much effort as you will often find reasons to give you shit, all the same. But their opinion doesn't matter."

He probably thought it'd make her feel better, but he was badmouthing her kids there. So instead, she just wanted to argue there. Tell him he was wrong, but she only bit her tongue.

"You're wrong." Ai wheezed "I can't tell you why, but it's not what you think."

"It's not?"

"No."

"How are you so sure?"

"…" Ai avoided biting her lip again, but she still clenched her jaw "Because we love each other. I love them, and they love me."

"…" His silence made her panic a little. She'd pushed too far through the limits, and there was no one to blame but herself. Even hinting at this would… "I see. So that's how it is."

Ai blinked as the guy on the other side made some noise she didn't recognize.

"Then I don't have to worry." He sounded calm, almost smug. So much so that Ai momentarily forgot about her inner turmoil to make sure she was hearing right.

"You're… Not being sarcastic, are you?"

"What? No." Now he scoffed "Why would I?"

"It feels like you're not taking me seriously."

"It's not my place to get involved in your private life." He said more to broaden the topic than anything, give sense to what he really wanted to say… Or imply it because he wouldn't say it outright "But since it's your private life, and yours alone, then I can trust that it's something that doesn't involve me."

That stung a little, but Ai didn't know why.

"That's kind of cold."

"Everyone gets little things to deal with at home." It felt like he shrugged there, but Ai couldn't be sure "If it's not going to blow up, then it's fine."

"They…"

"You don't owe me any explanations." He interrupted "Clear things up, let it be water under the bridge. As long as it's not threatening your career, I'm fine."

Ai needed a pause to think about his words.

"…That's very nice of you."

"It's for my own safety." He replied with a nervous chuckle. She didn't know why, but Ai imagined he was covering his stomach now "Don't think too much about it."

The tone felt strange coming from him. They hadn't talked a lot, but Ai had coined the cold and stony tone to his face. There was little warm to give except in those small glimpses of conversation. A small praise, a shared idea. Things that were easily missed if Ai hadn't been looking for them to begin with.

His warmth felt contagious. The kindness filled her like soup fills one's belly while under the effects of a cold. A feeling that Ai had no thoughts or consideration for until its absence became unbearably evident.

Why did he become warm so readily now? What changed? What did Ai do right this time? She would not tolerate having to suffer just to get this little respite. It'd be like breathing out of a car pipe to stop herself from drowning in a pool. No. If this was it, if suffering was the only thing that made him relatable, then Ai would have to cut it right then and there. She'd choose her kids over this, whatever it was.

…Then again, hadn't she freaked out because she found herself having to choose either? Because she couldn't imagine the reason why she couldn't get more warmth instead of choosing one source?

"You're very kind today." Ai chuckled to herself, still unable to bring herself to put up a better face "I wonder if you're taking pity on me."

"It feels like we're actually talking to each other." He confessed.

Ai opened her eyes. She hadn't realized when she closed them.

"That's…" Ai wanted to deny it. Her first instinct was to panic, yet words did not form so readily either "Are you calling me pitiful?"

So she chose to get mad at him. That earned her a scoff, but she did not pull back.

"You don't need my pity. I'm a nobody." He audibly breathed in like he'd laughed in silence before.

"I disagree."

"You're free to do so." He sounded a bit colder now, and Ai still didn't get it.

"You're really kicking me while I'm down, here." She couldn't help complaining now.

"Yeah. It's a good reminder that you're not a product." He finally stated, making Ai's mind click with something that made her shiver "You're entitled to your real, unfiltered emotions, Hoshino."

Ai was super close to telling him the truth, she chose self-preservation.

Mostly.

"I'm scared, y'know."

"Who wouldn't be? Fanaticism is scary."

"I'm lonely."

"Of course you are, you do nothing but work and rest."

"I don't want to be forgotten."

"By whom?" That question made her pause "Your fans? Your co-stars?"

"…I don't know."

"I see. That's fine as well." He let out a grunt like he'd stretched, just like Miyako-san did. Was that something older people did? Didn't he only have about 2 years on Ai? "Figuring what you want is part of the journey."

Ai felt like the unsaid part of what he meant dangled in front of her.

"Did you figure out what you want?"

"Yeah. Some time ago." He replied with no hesitation, no turmoil or reservation. Like the very idea freed him somehow.

"Would you mind to share?" There was a bit of hope in her tone. A bit of desperation, perhaps. She didn't want to say it, she wouldn't admit it, but speaking with no reservation had her feeling like she was staring down a huge fall. She'd die if she slipped, for there was nothing to break her fall. She was too high up, filled too much with things that would weigh her down.

It was thrilling.

"No." He cut her daydreaming short, viciously bringing her back to her problems.

"Eh? Why not?"

"You have bigger problems to think about, right?"

Ai hung her head down.

"…That's right."

"Maximum effort." Was all he said.

"Family, huh." Ai chuckled lowly.

"You'll be fine."

Ai sighed.

"Better to stop putting it off." She finally stood up, hearing her own back pop now.

"Go get them, Hoshino."

"I'll see you around." Ai smiled weakly.

"Fine."

She hung up. He didn't strike her as a person that needed to say goodbye.

Another sigh and she pushed the door. She felt weak, without the strength to go on. But two people had already patted her on the back. She wouldn't back down.

Besides, her glow had yet to return. And, if talking like this with Hikigaya felt so thrilling, then surely her kids would…

"Mama!" Ruby ran and smacked herself against Ai when she entered the room. The little girl started crying rivers, startling even her twin as she clung to Ai like a drowning man in a storm "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"

"My baby…" Ai couldn't help smiling, feeling her own eyes get wet as she returned her child's embrace "No, no. I'm the one who's sorry. I should've never…"

"I'm sorry! Please don't leave me! I'll be good, I promise!" If something could've broken Ai's heart even more, it was those words. She didn't even register where Miyako-san was. She could only see Aqua shyly approaching as her own breathing became irregular again.

"Ruby…" Ai reached out and pulled Aqua into her embrace. He'd meant to say something, but Ai couldn't be bothered to listen at the moment "Aqua…"

"I didn't think he meant so much for you…" Aqua managed to squeak, but Ai didn't understand his words at all.

"Don't leave me…"

"I'd never leave. You two are my heart." Ai hugged them even tighter "My babies… I love you. I love you so much… I didn't want to hurt you…"

Indeed. In the end, speaking the truth just felt too good to let go. And the fact that she could say these things when it mattered… It felt as though Ai could die happily knowing she finally said it.

And yet…

Her eyes focused elsewhere, basking in the warmth her kids gave her.

Not yet.

More. She needed more. Desperately, pitifully. Like a starving man craving for another bite, an alcoholic trying to get even another drop from an empty bottle. A drug addict trying to sniff even some stray powder.

More. More… She needed more. But where to find it? How to take it? More…

Like someone who'd been too out of their mind to realize they were starving.

It seemed like Ichigo-san had been right. She hadn't been given what she craved. She'd just been too busy lying and fearing for her life to notice.