Author's note: I'm back. Sorry that I took longer than necessary. But at last, the next 4 chapter of "The Middle Men" are ready to go and will be released in the coming weeks. After that, I plan on moving on to some supplementary side chapters of "Wormhole", since that story seems much more desired by the readers. I'll resume "The Middle Men" at some point in the future, or sooner if enough people want it. Still, I hope you enjoy what's to come from "The Middle Men".
—–
Starting from the pagoda near the shore, and using the map as a guide, the trio marched off into unknown lands. They kept talking amongst each other as a way of hiding their apprehension. However, they were prone to jumping at shadows, despite this new land giving them very little reason to. Trees brimming with vibrant shades of pink and orange surrounded their trek through the forest. Even the leaves, which came in all manner of shapes and colors, blew past their feet in the pleasant breeze. Brooks and rivers trailed down the moss-covered rocky hills that ran along the roads for miles. Such unfamiliar sights wow'd the men as their home didn't offer much more than green foliage outside of towns. Though the landscapes eventually relaxed the men, they nevertheless disrupted the serene nature with their typical banter and bickering.
The pagodas were an even stranger sight to behold. The paper-thin walls standing in for wood and stone left them stumped. There had been much more focus on artistic compositions in the architecture than anything found back home, outside of the wealthiest of castles. They pondered whether or not this was a more peaceful land than their home was. Maybe even mamono-free. They had passed a pair of human travelers. At first, they thought them to be normal. But they soon flinched once they spotted the female's white makeup, red lips, and hair pinned up by two sticks. Not at all like the people at home, especially with the oversized robes. The men shrugged it off as just a bunch of nutty residents and moved on.
"Geez, my feet are killing me" Chevy whined. Walking for miles on end had taken its toll.
"With all that belly-weight, I'm not surprised" Mac sneered, trying to hide how his feet weren't faring any better.
"He ain't lying. My feet are yelping, too" Luke backed Chevy.
Mac sighed. "Oh, what's the use? My dogs couldn't go another step, either" he relented. Then they all plopped on the ground for a much needed rest.
"Carrying all of these tools makes things harder" Chevy whined again.
"That is the reason why we brought you along" Mac remarked matter-of-factly.
"Oh sure. Lay it all on me" he griped, in both the literal and figurative sense. "If only we could have brought our wagon-train with us"
"If we did, then you'd be carrying that, too" joshed Luke.
It was only a matter of minutes before a newly married couple came riding down the road. Their cart was adorned with reefs and flowers with a "Just Married" sign. Mac flagged it down.
"Hiya, pal" he approached. "We've been dragging our feet down this road for hours. Is there some place where we can get a cart like yours?"
"Do we have to be married to get one?" Chevy stuck his head up from behind Mac, to which he shoved him back.
The newly wed man was more concerned with his own destination, so he shook his head and prepared to depart. But his mamono wife, a Tuki-Onna, spoke up. "Surely Miss Thazu can help them, dear. She helped us, didn't she?" his wife cuddled up against him. Her smile was as warm as her magic powers were cold.
"Well, alright. Keep going down this road and take the left at the fork in the road and you'll come upon her stand. She'll set you up" the man pointed.
"Thanks a lot, pal. And thanks, 'toots'" Mac complimented in his usual crass way.
Once the couple rode off, the trio moved out.
"So far, so good" Luke was relieved.
"See? A little manners never hurt, I suppose" Mac complimented his own social etiquette.
"It sure would be great if this operation keeps going this smooth"
"Ha, that would be welcomed"
"Maybe it'll actually happen" Chevy chimed in. "I mean, who would've thought that the monsters around here were friendly?"
Mac turned to him. "What makes you think that?"
"That fella back there married one, didn't he?" he mused. He also found himself more open to the notion than he realized.
"That wasn't a monster, 'chrome-dome'" Luke rebuked him.
"Huh? But she had blue skin…". Chevy couldn't think of any other answer as to why that lady looked the way she did. The color of her skin was the only indicator on her otherwise human-looking figure.
"Didn't you see that white-faced dame with the lipstick and the sticks in her head? She was a human. They all dress as goofy as the buildings around these parts. That blue-faced dame was just another one of them"
"Oh. In that case, I think we're underdressed around here" he tried brushing off some filth on his shirt.
"Nevermind that" Mac interjected. "We've got more important matters than dressing up as court jesters. You don't want to walk anymore? Then let's go get a cart from this Thazu gal"
—–
"I'm telling you that can't be her" Luke insisted after sizing up the being from afar.
What they spotted when approaching was indeed Miss Thazu outside her sales stand, just like the married couple told them. What they did not tell the trio was that she was a Gyoubu Danuk. A mamono with animal ears, large fuzzy legs, and a puffy raccoon tail.
"I don't know… With a name like 'Thazu', she could be a talking pelican for all we know. What do you think, Mac?" Chevy called on Mac's thoughts.
Mac really couldn't decide. Was it Miss Thazu, or did this vicious mamono eat Miss Thazu and take over her business? Perhaps he would have come to the correct answer, if not for the fact that he figured a way to circumvent her and not have to find out.
"I'm thinking that we need that carriage more than she does. Chevy, you run a distraction from a distance" Mac ordered.
"Me?"
"Yes, you. Luke, follow me" he motioned.
"Are you sure that we shouldn't just find another vendor?" Luke was concerned.
"And miss all of that loot that she's got?"
Luke took another peek and nodded. "Where do we start?"
They then went to work.
Once Chevy moved around to the opposite side, he jumped into the bushes and proceeded to pop his head out, making ridiculous faces and spouting random lines from theater productions. Thazu, who was bartering with a Slime mamono called a Taisui, stopped and pondered what he was doing, unaware of Luke and Mac crept up on her carriage nearby.
Mac was too preoccupied with getting the carriage ready, without making a sound, to keep his eye on Luke. In a moment of bravery, Luke made the move to creep up on the Taisui. Despite encountering other Slimes before, he was fascinated by the multiple eyeballs that sat in her slimy, feminine body. He couldn't help but desire a sample of her as she watched Chevy's distraction.
He closed in on her. But much to his chagrin, one of her eyeballs rolled around and locked its gaze onto his approaching hand. The head of the Taisui was quick to take notice of him. She was baffled while he was aghast. But not aghast enough to stop his hands from instinctively clamping a jar around the eyeball, severing it off between the opening and the lid.
He took off running. "We've got eyes on us, Mac!" he screamed.
The sullen Mac was luckily ready and whipped the donkey's rump into high gear and rushed toward the incoming Luke. Had he known what his partner was up to, he would have intervened. But as he jumped onto the moving carriage, he was pleasantly surprised by Luke's new acquisition.
Thazu yelled in protest and jumped out of the way as they sped past her where they picked up the theatrical Chevy by the hand and disappeared with the outraged Gyoubu Danuk now carriage-less.
"Whew. What a close shave" Luke huffed.
"You can say that again. I almost ran out of material to perform" Chevy added. He may have not been too bright, but he remembered all of his lines from the plays he performed in school. In fact, it was the only thing that he did well during his whole time in school.
"We almost got pinched good because of you" Mac rebuked Luke. "But I guess I can't argue with your results. You did good to keep your eye on the ball" he joked"
"Don't mention it" said Luke, less pleased with his nerve than Mac was.
"Speaking of catches, go check out what else we got in this little nest egg" he motioned toward the back of the carriage.
Luke found an assortment of items. They ranged from tools, to fruit, to chickens in crates. It would make a nice addition to their tools that Chevy had been hauling in a backpack. Most of which were not particularly exciting. However, there were a few items that were not tools. Some of them looked like women's beauty products, such as makeup, powder, and other stuff. Luke found them odd. Not like the typical material from back home. He suspected that the Gyoubu Danuk also collected materials from mamono. Though what kind of mamono they belonged to was beyond him since he didn't recognize the names on any of the labels. Prospects for experimentation brewed in his head, but there would be time for that later. For now, he labeled his jar "Eyeball from the orangy thing" and slipped it into his own bag.
None of the men had any qualms about stealing the carriage. They considered it a way of stomping out some competition and getting a head start on the market.
Meanwhile, Thazu would strongly disagree. Back at her stand, she explained and enlisted the help of a local Jinko. As her tiger-like race was known for their nobility, the mighty feline did not hesitate for a chance to utilize her hunting skills and bring the perpetrators to justice. Plus, the thrill of the hunt was always welcomed.
—–
An hour or so later…
"I think it's that one" Luke glanced up from the map and at a village. It was filled with pagodas that all looked about the same to the trio. Which was unfortunate since the only clue on their map was an etching of a pagoda with what looked like a long, multi-legged bug drawn next to it.
"Nah, too fancy. If there's a bug next to it, then we're looking for a real dump" Mac deduced.
"I think it's a Scylla fence, myself" Chevy looked over their shoulders.
"You don't even know what a Scylla is, 'fat-head'"
"Well, I just like saying the word, 'Scylla'" he tittered, to which Mac rolled his eyes.
After a few more minutes of pondering, all three men relented to figuring it out. Instead they made the choice to step into a nearby izakaya restaurant to ask for directions. As well as get a bite to eat. But they made sure to park their carriage in a 'ready-to-run' spot. Just in case of trouble.
Inside was more of what they'd come to expect around these strange parts. People in long robes, big wide, straw hats, and footwear that left the foot exposed except for a small strap and wooden base. Chevy wondered if this was where all of the carnival attractions were made.
The place was overall similar to restaurants back home, except much more artsy. Nothing like the withered wooden taverns or cantinas that they'd visited before. This place had several tables and other sorts of booths, as well as a bar, that were all constructed with much more care and attention. But they were all so decorated with elaborate designs and colors that none of the men could tell for sure if it was a place to eat, or an art display.
Nevertheless, they marched in and plopped down at one of the tables. Mac and Luke were not too fond of how much attention they were drawing from the other patrons and the workers. Their Earthy and non-Zipangu attires made them stand out like sore thumbs. Not to mention their dirty states. But they blocked it out.
Chevy, meanwhile, was much less shy. Particularly, since most of the other patrons were lovely young women. And none of them were giving Chevy the brush-off from a distance that he was so used to. He and the women actually waved and snickered back and forth with each other. But unbeknownst to Chevy, and his two partners, the other patrons were not merely sexy women; they were mamono. Among them were a Jorou-Gumo, Hakutaku, a Hinezumi, and others whose inhuman parts were conveniently hidden under hats or beneath the tables and out of the trio's oblivious view.
They continued to flirt until he felt bold enough to approach them. But Mac grabbed him.
"Where do you think you're going?"
"Just look at all of the girls around here. I'm going to go say 'hi'"
"Hey," came Luke. "-remember the Union"
"I think I need a three-day pass" he quipped back.
"Sit down" Mac's hand stopped him. "You're not going to monkey about while I'm here"
"I know, but… aren't they pretty?" he coaxed them in return.
Luke, and even Mac had to admit it. These were among the prettiest women that they'd ever seen. And they didn't look unfriendly, either. In fact, there was an exotic glitz to the women that certainly eclipsed the three men's status in life. And Like Chevy, they couldn't help but be smitten upon seeing the opposite sex to be so open to them. A more than minor part inside them wanted to join Chevy and mingle with the striking beauties. The diffident Luke may have caved in with a little more coaxing, but the ever stubborn Mac somehow shook his mind loose and returned to work.
"I say to forget about it, 'mutton-top'. We're here on business" he held Chevy in place.
"I mean to do business. I want to ask that long haired cutie what her secret is to grow so much hair" he pointed toward a Kejourou whose six-foot-plus long hair draped all over her table and onto the ground. The thin-topped Chevy couldn't help but be a bit jealous.
"Girls like that will make a fool out of you in two minutes"
"And you're stupid enough" Luke added with a chuckle.
Mac then yanked Chevy back into his seat. "Now tend to business, and don't think about pretty girls". Even Mac felt inane by his own tongue.
At that moment, a Kitsune-tsuki came over to their table. Her wide-brimmed, takuhatsugasa hat hid her inhuman ears from the men.
Mac looked up. "No thanks, babe. We're too busy to dance" he said unsolicited. Rather annoyed that another pretty woman had come along to distract them.
She wrinkled her nose. "I am your server. Do you men wish to order anything to eat?"
As usual, the word "eat" got Chevy's attention. But Mac spoke first.
"Sure thing. Where's the menu around here?"
She directed them to the pamphlets that they were leaning on. They blushed a tad and took them in hand. However, to say that the men were baffled by the foreign menu would be an understatement. Instead of the simple cooked dishes from back home, such as beef and potatoes, instead was a cornucopia of foreign quizzines that looked more akin to typos than real descriptions of food. Sashimi, miso, sushi, and other words choked their brains as they glanced at each other, hoping for help. Almost making them lose their appetites.
When desperation set in, Mac took a gamble. "Look, just send us three dishes of whatever meat and vegetables you've got the most of"
"And make sure that it's dead before you bring it out here" Luke stated, to which the other two turned to him, mild fluster on their faces. "What? You can't be too careful"
"...Just don't use poison to kill it" Chevy added.
Their attendant returned a cock-eyed expression and walked off. Such brazen but clueless guests were not her usual patrons. But she figured that service is service.
Before long, she returned with dishes of nimono and mushimono for them to share. She tried to keep up a pleasant demeanor, but couldn't help but gawk at the boorish strangers.
While some of the men's misgivings about what was being served were quelled, they now faced a new problem. Instead of a fork and knife, they were instead each given two chopsticks…
"What do we do with these?" asked Luke, picking them up.
"They look like stilts for a mouse" Chevy began to fiddle with them.
"Uh… we stick 'em in our hair like the girls do around these parts. See that" Mac mistook the fashionable Kanzashi hair sticks in other patron's hair.
"What insight…" the sarcastic Luke shrugged but still copied Mac by sloppily sticking both chopsticks in his ruffled hair.
"Must be a superstition around here". He made sure to hide the fact that he hadn't a clue.
"Let's see, I- wait a minute" Chevy protested as he rubbed his hairless head. "That may work for you guys, but I'm short on grass roots". His worst fear was that he wouldn't be allowed to eat without wearing the sticks.
"You've got a beard, haven't you?" Mac sneered.
"Oh yeah" Chevy complied and stuck them in place.
With the chopsticks, literally, going over their heads, they did the only thing that they could; eat with their hands. Still, the food was satisfactory. So much so that they failed to notice the flabbergasted eyes staring at them. Plus, their usual, less than gentlemanly table manners didn't help them blend in. Whether it was chomping with their mouths open or bickering over the last bite, they were lucky to not have been thrown out.
Among the mamono watching the spectacle was a Nurarihyon who was sitting at another table across the room, far from their attention. The boring droll of her daily activities had left her approaching a sort of rut in recent weeks. Thus, this turn of events was an even greater interest than her meal was. To her, it was similar to watching children playing. Though the fact that they were grown-up scoundrels made for quite a show. She had to chuckle quietly. Such barbaric conduct had not been seen in the Zipangu region for quite some time. Even among the wilder parties of years past, this trio would stand out.
They finished up their meal with a roundabout burp and all propped their feet up on the table. The Kitsune-tsuki was repulsed to go near them, but nevertheless, adhered to her duty and returned to take their dishes. Seeing the chopsticks in their hair had penetrated her professional etiquette as revealed by her rattled expression.
"Hey, my compliments to the cook" Chevy smiled at her, chopsticks still sticking out of his beard along with food scraps.
The Kitsune-tsuki gave him an awkward smile back. She turned to leave but Mac tapped his chopsticks on the table to signal her.
"Just a second. Before you go, could you tell us where this joint is?" he said, retrieving the map.
She looked over the map symbol in question and recognized it right away. "I believe that is Miss Otuwa's ryokan"
"A ryo-, royal-... a r-, eh, what is-?" Chevy struggled with the word.
"What my friend here is asking is if you're sure?" Mac clarified.
She took a longer look at the map. "Yes. I am sure of it"
"Good. How do we get to this place?" Luke probed since he didn't know what a ryokan was.
"It's Westward from here. I could direct you, but as it turns out, Miss Otuwa is visiting the village today. I'll let her know" she bowed.
"Now we're getting somewhere" Mac nudged Luke and turned back to her. "Bring on this Miss Otu- uh, whoever she is"
"Sure enough" Chevy commented before the Kitsune-tsuki went to retrieve Miss Otuwa.
She would gladly lead the men right to her ryokan. But as far as the Kitsune-tsuki was concerned, getting the strangers out of the establishment could only be a good thing. If she was sickened by how they ate, she didn't want to imagine what kind of lovers they would make.
"Do you have any clue what a ryokan is?" Luke turned to Mac.
"I thought you knew" he turned back to Luke.
"Don't ask me" Chevy interjected.
"We weren't going to ask you, 'pea-brain'" Mac dissed him back. "We'll find it one way or another. So we'd better work on how to pronounce it right"
"Do you think that we'll find trouble before we find it?" asked Chevy.
"What do you think?" Luke retorted sarcastically with a grimace, expecting the worst. "It'll probably be right smack in the middle of a rough neighborhood"
"So what if it is? That treasure is worth every drop of your blood" Mac replied, choosing his words carefully.
"I'm just saying that-" Luke started.
"Come on, Luke. Things could be worse. We could have empty stomachs" Chevy comforted his buddy.
"True. I expected to be running for our lives by this point. Not fed as respectable patrons. But we should still cross our fingers that this mission will be smooth sailing" Luke gave a hopeful grin.
"Don't worry about it. We can handle any monsters that come our way. We're getting pretty good at it" the confident Mac encouraged his partners.
Just then, someone approached their table. It was Miss Otuwa, clattering up to their table on her many legs. Neither her comely face or her placid disposition could distract from her horrid, insect-like lower half, since being an Oomukade with countless exoskeleton insect legs made it impossible to move quietly.
"Are you the men who are looking to 'bed' somewhere?" she presented herself, pleasant as could be.
Suffice to say that the sight of the giant, centipede-like Oomukade was the last thing they wanted to see, almost making them lose their lunch.
The terrified men collectively screamed bloody murder.
"No, no! We were just leaving!" Mac bellowed as the three hysterical men darted from their seats and across the izakaya in separate directions.
Luke ran but tripped over the thick serpentine body of a Unagi-Joro, who gasped in response. Luke stammered out another shriek and fumbled to his feet again.
Chevy ran up to a random patron and urged her to run for her life from the monster. Only to realize that he was face to face with a startled Ren Xiongmao who cupped her mouth in her panda hands. He, likewise, shrieked and scampered off.
Lastly, Mac spilled over a table, right next to the legs of a perplexed spider-like Jorou-Gumo. He freaked out at the sudden attack of arachnophobia.
"The place is crawling with them, boys!" he shouted and got up.
Beauty meant nothing now. Survival and nothing else.
"The window!" Luke called out a panic-stricken escape plan.
Chevy was the first to make it to the window, opting to just throw himself through it rather than take precious time to open it. The other two followed just as haphazardly, landing on the grounded Chevy. With their carriage ready to pull out, they made a break for it.
But not before Chevy poked his head back in the window one last time, just to toss in some coins. Payment for dinner, but he forgot to leave a tip.
Once he jumped on board, they took off as fast as they could. So fast that they weren't able to sidestep an incoming traveler who just entered the village. They plowed right over them.
"What the Hell was that!?" Luke exclaimed, almost losing his footing from the bump.
"I think we hit someone's cat. I saw a fuzzy tail" Mac panted, adrenaline still pumping too much from their frantic escape to think about it. "Who cares? As long as we weren't next on the menu"
Luke wondered why a cat would make such a huge bump on the carriage. He also wondered, based on the glimpse he saw, how many cats had jubblies and six-pack abs…
The dust settled to reveal the groaning Jinko, now face down on the road with her toned butt pushed up for the world to see. None the worse for wear, except for a throbbing bump with a groggy brain underneath, as well as the humiliation of showing off her butt. Once she regained her senses, the peeved feline regrouped. Next, she thought it best to gather information from the wide-eyed patrons of the izakaya regarding her quarry. From what she had heard, she couldn't decide whether her targets were vicious barbarians or brainless morons. Either way, her feline curiosity flared and she left to resume the hunt, though not feeling as much of a thrill as before.
After all of the pandemonium, the Kitsune-tsuki needed to take a break. But the Nurarihyon was still snickering at the magnificent performance.
Still barreling down the road, the men had begun bickering again.
"I would have noticed earlier if you would have let me chat with them" Chevy asserted, not wanting to take the blame.
"Not before they stuffed an apple into your mouth and made a big fat gourmet out of you" Mac spat back.
"Maybe if you listened to me once in a while, we wouldn't get into these fixes"
Mac sighed. "Alright, kid. Next time something might be dangerous, we'll send you in first to check it out" he acquiesced him with a sly half-smirk.
"That's better" Chevy bought it.
'Sure, it's fun to flirt with death' Luke thought to himself in sarcasm. Still, he couldn't help but wonder about a few things.
"Does anyone find it weird that they let us eat our meal first?" Luke pondered out loud, now that his brain was free from the fear of bodily harm.
"Yeah… Why didn't they attack us right away?"
"You two want to go back and ask them?" Mac scolded them. "They were just fattening us up. Like stuffing a turkey. All the tastier"
"In that case, I'm surprised that they didn't eat Chevy right away" Luke muttered back.
"At least the food was delicious. It would have been a good last meal" Chevy rubbed his bloated stomach.
"Well, yeah it was good- urgh, nevermind that! From now on, we eat out. Out of town, that is" Mac stammered, despite not liking the prospects of living off the land. He couldn't stand farming, much less 'roughing it'.
"I second that. And Chevy thirds it" Luke spoke for them both.
"I do?"
"Of course you do"
Luke had to agree with Mac. Based on what they'd seen, there were too many questions. So, it seemed like it was best to assume small villages might be compromised. To be avoided, unless they needed to enter it. Or at least they wouldn't leave the carriage.
But for now, they had a ryokan to find.