It's a Tuesday morning and I am in my office at Grey Publishing. I'm busy looking over a script submitted by one of the editors, disappointed with the quality. I loved my days as an editor, discovering talented authors. Now I see what the other editors have picked. It's very much a mixed bag as to whether I enjoy the novels.
Around 12 I signal to Sawyer I want to get a sandwich. He accompanies me up the road to a local bakery as I pick a tuna salad sandwich and get an iced tea before making the short walk back to the office. I chat to Sawyer. He is always pleasant but so detached even though I have now worked with him for four years.
When I get back to my desk I check out the app for Phoebe's daycare, keen to see how she is getting on. She goes two days a week because I am keen for her to get to know other kids. The photos they have shared are adorable and I forward one on to Christian. He replies at once with a heart eyes emoji. I give my phone a smile before taking a sip of my iced tea.
The first bite of tuna salad is when I start to feel incredibly nauseous. Shaking the thought I take a second bite. No, something isn't right. I set my sandwich down and take a sip of water. Then I'm up, running to the bathroom. I vomit for what feels like forever, although I have very little food within me. I wipe my mouth with paper and splash cool water on my face.
I try and settle at my desk for the next hour, but by 1.30pm, I have to ask Sawyer to take me home. Sawyer heads up to the building with me, but leaves me to walk to our bedroom. I go to the bathroom, brush my teeth and decide to lay down on the bed.
Christian's phone is on his bedside table. I'm sure he took it with him. I pick it up and turn it over. Yes, this is definitely the right case. It is a Louis Vuitton one I bought him. It has a dent in one corner where Phoebe bashed it against the breakfast bar.
I rub my head. Christian definitely took it with him. He's been messaging me on it this morning. Why is he home? And where is he?
I walk out of the bedroom and down to his study. Empty. I check in the library. Empty. I decide he must be upstairs and slowly walk up, still feeling nauseous. Most doors are open until I reach that door. It's closed. But that isn't what bothers me, it's always closed and locked. Then I hear it. Him. I hear him. And a woman.
I'm back downstairs within seconds vomiting again. I'm hugging the toilet unable to stop the retching. Fuck. This can't be happening. I stand as soon as I am able and go and collect Sawyer from his study where he is reading. Okay, he doesn't know.
"Sawyer, I feel a bit better now," I tell him and he gives me a reassuring nod. "I've taken the afternoon off though now. So would you take me to Kate's?" How I'm managing to act normal is beyond me.
Sawyer buys it. He quickly gets up and we leave. My husband, if I can even bear to call him that, hasn't come down. My head is pounding. I can't keep it upright. I follow Sawyer to the car a changed woman yet nothing is different. It's the same route we just took in.
Really though, everything is different. My ears are ringing out. It's a buzz of a thousand bees. Yet really it's silent but the noise of the car. I can't see. It's like a half light. Yet it's Seattle in summer. Everything is bright. My husband. I know those noises were my husband. I've heard him come. I know what he sounds like. The woman, I don't know.
I realise I haven't even told Kate I'm coming. Who knows if she'll even be there. But I can't be in that penthouse right now. I text her and tell her. She seems delighted. She's as blind as me right now. Clueless to what has befallen me. My family. My kids. My kids. No. They can't be part of a broken home. Tears threaten to fall. Sawyer cannot see this.
I get out of the car as soon as we reach Kate's home. I want to run in but Sawyer will be suspicious so I walk as calmly as I can manage and knock on the door. "Ana!" Kate exclaims in joy, swinging me around. Yep, she's definitely had enough of maternity leave. Her and Elliott's second child, a son, is now 3 months old. I've met Joel almost every week now and usually I would be excited to see him but right now, I just want Kate. Sawyer is parked on the drive, waiting and as soon as Kate closes the door, I cry.
"Ana? Ana what's wrong?" Kate is shocked. I hold her as close as I can, I'm sobbing loudly and I can't control it. I stand there while Kate asks again and again what's wrong. Five minutes must pass.
"It's Christian," I sob eventually into her shoulder.
"What's happened to him? Is he okay?" She pulls back from me and apprises me.
"I hope he's dead. I hope he died while he came inside her," I'm shaking, the tears dripping onto Kate's parquet floor.
"What the fuck? What the fuck?" Kate has a new question and she is furious. Every part of her body is emanating anger. I don't know if I'm angry, upset or just plain shocked. Or every single emotion at once.
"I. I went home today. Kate I heard him," I'm shaking. My hands are shaking. My legs are weak.
"Grey! That motherfucker! I'm going to kill him for you, Ana!" She screeches, grabbing the door handle.
"No Kate, no! He doesn't know I know," I sob desperately. "Please."
"What do you mean he doesn't know? The motherfucker had sex in front of you and you didn't slice his dick off?" Kate exclaims.
"I came here," I'm wringing my hands. "Kate what am I going to do? What am I going to do?"
"Kill him or I will," Kate says at once and I want to smile. I want to smile at her but even this can't make me smile.
"Kate, why would he do this? Why has he done this?" I'm wailing as Kate guides me through to her living room. Joel is in his downstairs crib in the entirely white room. I sit on the sofa and feel small. I'm holding my knees so close. They're shaking too.
"I'm going to get you a sugary tea for the shock. Give me a moment," Kate says as she hurries to her kitchen. My body is shuddering, my brain racing. I have so many questions, questions that I need to ask Grey but how can I ever be in the same room as that individual again? Why has he done this? What have I done wrong? What does she have that I don't? How long has it been going on? Is it just her, are there others?
My brain is spinning as Kate returns with a tea which I gratefully accept, taking a sip and placing it on her table, forgetting a coaster. Kate doesn't even correct it, whereas normally she would be coaster queen.
"Ana, what happened?" She asks me in the most gentle voice she can manage, her own anger obvious.
I recount the sorry tale, my hand through my hair, wiping tears and snot as Kate passes me a tissue. "Kate what am I going to do?"
"Leave, Ana. You have to leave. You have too much respect to stay with this… monster," she says vehemently.
"But Kate. The kids. They're so little," I whisper. My two beautiful children. They don't deserve to be caught up in their father's mess. Maybe Christian has a reason to do this to me. Maybe I've let him down or hurt him or something. But his children? Our little babies? They've done nothing but idolise and love their father. How could he possibly hurt Teddy and Phoebe?
"Ana. They don't need him. You're two parents by yourself. Get them out of there and go," Kate says firmly. "You know he's been a crappy father from day one. He's never home. He spends no time with them. They slot into his schedule. Take them and go. Elliot and I will protect you no matter what. Ana, you have to get away from him," Kate is so clear, like it is so obvious, but of course, it isn't.
What Christian has done is diabolical. And Kate isn't wrong, he's never there for the kids. But I know he loves them. And more importantly, they love him. Christian is Teddy's hero. He tells me every day he wants to be just like daddy. I'd love to take them and run but that isn't an option. Is it?
"Kate. I would. But they love Christian," I whisper.
"Grey doesn't deserve their love. Grey doesn't deserve anyone's love!" Kate says at once. "Ana, I've told you for years, he's a bad father." And she has, every appointment he's missed, their physicals, midwife appointments, every pick and drop off at day care he hasn't done, every meal he's missed, all the times he hasn't taken them out when he's promised them. All the times I've made excuses and covered for Grey. But they love their daddy.
"Kate. I just. I don't know how to leave him. He'll destroy me," I sob. I chew my nail. I'm despairing.
"Let him fucking try. You know everything on his lifestyle before you. And from what it sounds like now. You tell everyone," Kate says firmly as I shake my head sadly.
"Kate, I have an NDA," I whisper back to her. Kate outright laughs.
"Ana, you have no prenup. What is he going to sue you for? His own money?" Kate is right but this doesn't help me right now. "Take the arsehole to the cleaners."
"Kate. Kate. What have I done wrong?" I whisper. Why don't I have Kate's anger and spirit? Why do I have to feel so pathetic about this? Why can't I just go up to Christian and throw the book at him?
"Anastasia Steele!" She says so firmly. It feels strange to not be Grey. "You have done nothing wrong. That arsehole has done everything wrong. Do not blame yourself. That is what that absolute beast wants."
"Kate, I can't," I say so quietly I'm sure she can barely hear me.
"You can and you will. Because you have me," she's so loud, so bossy, so commanding. Almost as commanding as Christian Dickhead Grey himself. I give her the smallest, watery smile I can muster.
"Thank you, Kate," I say quietly. Joel starts to cry and she goes to get her son, cuddling him close. I check the time. I'm supposed to collect Teddy from school soon.
"I need to get Teddy," I say trying to find any sort of composure.
"If only Teddy had another parent," Kate says sarcastically. "Tell that prick to go and get him. Tell him you're poorly."
"I can't. I can't talk to him," the tears are back and I'm trying to wipe them as quick as they fall.
"The joy of text message. Give me your phone," she says firmly and I shake my head, getting it out myself.
He's in my most recent. Of course he is. My thumbs are shaking over the keypad.
Poorly at work today. Went to Kate's so she could take care of me. Can you get the kids? xx
I send the text as normally as possible but am unsurprised when he calls straight away. I show Kate.
"Answer it. Act normal. If he questions it, say you're poorly," she says without hesitation. I shudder and slide to answer it, pushing loudspeaker.
"Anastasia. I'm at work, I can't just get the kids," he snaps straight away. Not even now does he consider to ask how I am. I chew my lip. Kate's face is incensed.
"I'm really poorly. I just need a bit of time," I say in the most level voice I can manage.
"Ana, fuck. I can't get the kids. Why can't Hope get them?" No ounce of compassion is in Christian's voice.
"It's her day off, Christian. She never works Tuesday," I point out, my voice more steady now.
"Don't be smart with me," he snarls and Kate looks like she is actually plotting his death. "Fuck. I'll get Taylor to go. Ring the school and tell them to expect him."
"Might as well tell the school their father is picking them up. They won't know the difference," Kate responds to him before I can stop her, her bite straight there.
"Katherine, what a pleasant surprise," he says, and I know his teeth are gritted.
"Wish I could say the same, Christian," she says nastily. Grey doesn't answer at first. He takes a deep breath.
"I'll sort it, Ana," he says eventually and hangs up. As soon as I hear the three beeps I'm sobbing harder. Kate wraps her arm around me, Joel in her other arm as I cry uncontrollably.
"Ana, he didn't even ask what was wrong with you. How do you feel anything for that man?" Kate asks me, almost testily.
I sniff. "I don't know, Kate. I don't know."
"Ana, bring him to his knees," she says firmly as I nod slowly. "You got through that call and he suspects nothing. He's as thick as pig shit," she says without any regard for her brother in law. "So play him for now. We'll formulate a plan."
I wipe a stray tear. "What kind of plan?"
"We'll get you the best divorce lawyer in the business. We'll gather all the evidence that we need he is cheating. You'll play along with his little game. And then. Then you'll strike. You'll file for divorce and leave with his kids," Kate is so clear and venomous. It's not her husband though. It's not the father of her children. The man she has loved for years. The man who showed her the world and gave her everything. Only to cruelly steal it away.
Christian is contrite when I get home that night at 7pm. He is in his shirt, open at the collar, and suit bottoms. The kids are racing around and are clearly nowhere near bedtime but he seems to have kept them alive for however long he's actually been home. "Teddy, put that down," he says as Teddy grabs his phone and then places it back on the table. "Anastasia," he says spotting me.
He saunters over to me and all I can think is I hope he doesn't touch me. He kisses my cheek and I want to gag. I know where those lips have been. "Are you feeling any better?" He asks me in a softer voice than usual.
"I don't feel great. Just went to see Kate so she could take care of me," I nod and he gives me a tight smile.
"How is Miss Kavanagh?" He asks me smoothly, his face unable to hide his obvious dislike.
"She's fine," I nod slightly. She's fortunate she's not got the Mrs Grey name too. Not that there's anything wrong with Elliott. But right now Mrs Grey feels like a massive burden. "Can you settle the kids? I want to lay down."
"I have stuff to do," he sighs pushing his hair back. "This is why, Ana, we need more than one nanny."
"Christian, come on," I say. I would usually settle the kids at this point, but right now I want to be alone and away from everything. I need to process. I should have stayed at Kate's but it would have raised too many questions.
"Do they need a bath?" He asks irritably.
"Christian, they need a bath every day. They're children. Not dogs. For goodness sake, I'll deal with it," I snap at him as he looks shocked, raising his eyebrows.
"Thank you," he says sulkily and disappears to his office. I bathe and feed our children before settling them by 8.30pm and then retire to our bedroom.
I lay on our bed, the room pretty dark. I don't bother to switch a light on. I stare at the ceiling. In the 14 hours since I woke up in this bed, everything has changed. This morning, I thought I had a loving husband, who while irritable and sometimes unreliable, cared about me and loved me with all his heart. Now I don't know what I have. A cheating husband, who is still irritable and unreliable, and I'm starting to think does not love me at all.
I take a deep steadying breath and pick my iPad up. Like Kate said, I can cry over spilt milk or I can do something about it. I start to look up the best law firms in Seattle, avoiding Foxglove LLP as I know they do everything for Christian. They will represent him when this comes. I pick a couple of names to try in the morning. Usually if I wanted a lawyer, Christian's father, or even Christian himself, would be the ones to ask. But I want to do Kate's thing and totally floor him with this. I don't want him to see this coming.
By 11pm, Christian still isn't in bed. I suppose his mid afternoon fuck got him behind for the day. I fall into a very troubled sleep and am awoken at 3am by Christian screaming in his sleep. I roll over to find my husband shuddering in a nightmare, covered in sweat. I debate leaving to suffer but I realise very quickly I am not that person and nudge him awake, rolling away from him.
I'm sickened when I feel him press himself to my back. "Ana," he whispers fearfully. I ignore him. "Ana," he shakes me a little.
"What?" I whisper back, trying to hide the irritation from my voice.
"Please, I need you," he murmurs, nibbling my ear.
"Christian, I don't feel well," I respond. No way am I letting this man have sex with me. That is not going to happen. I hear him sigh and turn to lay on his back, stiff and fearful. I know he's mad at me but I couldn't care less. This man deserves everything coming for him.
I don't fall back asleep and I don't think he does either. By 5am I am feeling nauseous again and I run to the bathroom, vomiting for what feels like eternity although there is only water and bile to come up. Christian follows me, standing in the bathroom door and staring at me.
"Do you need anything?" He asks petulantly, crossing his arms.
"Just a water please," I mutter, wiping my mouth on a sheet of paper and flushing. Christian disappears and reappears with a glass of ice water, which I sip gratefully.
"I didn't realise you were actually ill," he mutters. "Just thought you were sorting Kate drama. I'll get Taylor to drop the kids."
"Thanks," I mutter, spitting a bit of water out to refresh my mouth before heading back to the bedroom. Christian moves to the dressing room to get ready for the gym and disappears for about an hour.
By the time he returns, I've sent Kate the name of a couple of law firms to get her opinion and am sat up in bed, sipping a cup of tea. He's sweaty and usually I would find him ridiculously sexy in his grey sweatpants and navy t shirt. It makes my stomach churn as he walks past the bed to our bathroom. I pull my knees up, making sure that the iPad is turned away from him.
Christian walks back into the room just before 7am. "I'm going to go to work," he tells me matter of factly, now in a custom made suit, his grey tie perfectly straight, his hair still damp. It's like he is wearing everything that would usually turn me on, but nothing is working. I regard him in disinterest as he stands before me. He pauses like he wants me to respond. "Well have a good day then," he mutters eventually. "Feel better."
I nod and say nothing to him. He regards me for a few more moments before turning on his heel, shutting the door behind him. Kate recommends a law firm and I make a couple of calls. They agree to see me the following week and I start to look out the documents they've asked for throughout the day. I don't feel poorly so I'm flummoxed at lunchtime when I am sick again.
A horrible feeling is creeping over me within the next few minutes, not as bad as the shock of yesterday but far from pleasant either. I push my brunette waves back and know what I am going to have to do. I text Kate and ask her to come over.
Kate arrives around 2pm with the bag I've requested in one hand and an iced coffee in the other. I know for sure Elliott will have stepped up to look after the kids without hesitation and it saddens me that my so called husband would never do that. I hug her tightly before getting her settled in the living room and taking myself through to our bathroom.
I get out the package I need and sigh, opening it. My mind is racing. If this has the result I'm expecting, I have no idea where this leaves me with Christian and how on earth he will react to it. Badly, I suspect as I think of our Greek holiday just weeks ago. He got so mad about this. I sigh, taking the stick out of the packaging and sitting over the toilet to pee on it.
Kate is at the door the moment I've finished. I lay it on the counter and wash my hands, letting her in.
"What does it say?" She asks me as I shake my head.
"Nothing yet, it's 5 minutes," I sigh as she squeezes my arm reassuringly.
"Whatever happens, I'm here for you," she murmurs as we sit on the side of the bath, staring at the little stick on the counter. "This is your child. It doesn't matter what he says or does. Take it and run."
I nod, my stomach still turning over as I hold my hands together. As if life isn't stressful enough at the moment, I really need a pregnancy and an incensed Christian Grey to deal with to add to having an unfaithful husband. Five minutes has gone and I stand up.
I pick the stick up and turn it over but I already know.
Pregnant.