The sound of my own heart pounding filled my ears. The sound might've been echoing throughout the room. Sweat made the sheets stick to my skin as I laid there with my eyes on a foreign ceiling. I knew I needed to be awake soon, so I refused to look at the time. That would just make it worse. My mind was already in overdrive, thinking about everything my future held. A future that was only hours away.
I should've been happy. Knowing that in less than a full night's sleep, all of my dreams would come true should make me over the moon, but my anxiety drowned me. A mix of emotions I can't even identify. My breath got heavy as my mind played it's game with me. I did it. I really did it. Soon, the project would start and I'd finally be worth something! The paperwork was done. A week of consideration and worry led to... well... something. I had no idea what the Hope Cultivation Project had to it. Experimental learning techniques, weird teachings, or whatever. Thinking about the possibilities led me nowhere closer to knowing, so I forced myself to stop thinking about it. At least that part. I kept asking myself why they would choose me. The only answer I got when asked was "because you're the most physically strong and mentally devoted out of your class." Still not sure what to think of that, but I took it as a compliment. I read all the fine print in those documents. Every excruciatingly vague detail. Extremely secretive.
I understood why I wasn't allowed to tell anyone, but I felt like such a liar. Couldn't even tell my parents. I told them some bullshit about how I'm doing some specialty classes and if I did good the tuition would be waived. They bought that. Easily. Somehow. When I said I was moving into a dorm, Mom asked if they just now let reserve course students have those. I lied again to her, saying only the ones attending these specialty classes have the option. She just smiled at me with that sweet look she would give me when she knew I was doing my best. Pity mixed with warm happiness. When she gave me that look, I often thought she felt disappointed that her only child came out to be such a nobody. She had such a personality compared to me and Dad.
As I laid there, closing my eyes to force in some sleep, I thought about how much I miss her. The small talk to ease these feelings would be better than laying in this echo chamber of self loathing. I thought about what look both my parents would give me once they see all the talents I randomly obtained. How proud they'd be that their money 'didn't go to waste.' Then I thought about Nanami's expression when I would tell her how suddenly useful I am to society. Another thought about all the new friends I could make that couldn't get bored of me in a couple weeks. Laughing weakly as a smile crept on my face, I couldn't stop thinking. I melted into these thoughts. Finally, my mind let me sleep. For an hour, maybe.
The alarm sung like a happy scream. Getting up immediately, it took my brain a moment to remember I was in some random dorm instead of my normal room. Unopened boxes I didn't bother to unpack scattered throughout it. I suddenly wondered if I had to lie to other students why I have a dorm if I run into any during this project. Quickly brushing my teeth and getting dressed, I practically ran out the door. Just like I was told, I didn't bring anything but my student ID. Smiling like some kid on his birthday, I made my way down to the front of the main courses' building. I was told someone would meet me there.
4:00 am. This school looked so creepy with no students in it. Uncanny. The darkness of it all made my guts tense up. Something was... off. Really off. As I faced a man I recognized from the steering committee in his designated spot for me, I told myself that I'm just anxious. "Punctual. Let's not waste any time, boy." The man doesn't let me get a greeting in before leading the way. Inside a different building, he walked way faster than I expected him to given his age. "Thank you for giving me for this opportunity." I spoke to clear the silence, although I genuinely meant it. "Oh, but of course! We're scientists, you see. We care about the science behind talent and what it means to give that to someone such as yourself." His reply was like he was still with the other 3 members of his committee. At least the 3 I met.
Through a long hallway, he kept leading me. I thought about what to say or if being quiet was the best thing to do. My smile slowly faded as our footsteps were the only noise echoing in the hall. Anxiety, inadequacy, and excitement grew with each step. Filled with thoughts of not being qualified, I tried to shake them away. Thinking of his words, as not motivational as they were, helped. Down some stairs and through another long hallway. The extreme walk made me wonder if this was some cruel joke. We didn't talk any after that. I couldn't think of what to say so I decided silence was best.
As he finally made it to a door with a key card, my nerves calmed a bit. At least I knew it wasn't a joke. He went in while motioning for me to follow like I forgot how this worked. This room was not what I expected. A dark room full of computers, machines I couldn't identify, a row of chairs at a big desk facing a window to another room. Almost like a sci fi. I looked around for a second, trying to figure out what I was supposed to be doing for this. "Put this on." The man handed me what seemed to be hospital scrubs. It was then that I happened to look at the window. Another room with a hospital bed in the middle. Suddenly, my soul gave me those warning signs again, only this time they were screaming. There wasn't any more doubt. Something was extremely off. Was I just imagining it?
"We're both men here, don't be embarrassed." His voice jumped me back into the moment. Taking a breath, I get changed. My gaze locked onto that hospital bed. Were all hospital rooms that creepy? I've never been to one. Why was that there anyway? Hm. Maybe just a medical check up to make sure I was actually the most physically strong? How did they figure that anyway? I reminded myself that this would all definitely be worth it. The room felt ten times colder in this hospital gown. God, this couldn't be right. I held my old clothes to my chest awkwardly as I thought over and over again: 'What the hell is going on here?' I forced myself to look at other things but that haunting bed. "Put your old clothes and ID in here. You won't be needing those, kid." He said with a old man laugh, like I'd laugh along. Boldly, I stared straight at him. "Sir, what do I need this for?" I pointed to what I put on. Being sure to remain respectful yet assertive as I asked, I tried not to let confused, angry fear come out and ruin this. I would never forgive myself for that.
The man shook his head with that same laugh. "Just a small procedure. Nothing to panic over." Procedure!? As he finished his sentence, his other 3 members joined us along with someone I didn't recognize. I eyed the new one carefully. No mistaking it, clearly around my age. Why the fuck was another student here? His messy tie and half assed buttoned shirt pissed me off. Was there another student going through this? What the hell is going on? "Matsuda, Ultimate Neurologist, nice to meet you." The fellow student shook my hand soullessly. "Hinata." My voice didn't at all give a fake politeness. His demeanor said to not try to talk any further, so I wouldn't waste time treating him any different. Even if he was an ultimate, I didn't want him here. Isn't it embarrassing enough that I have to get artificial talent? I planned to not tell anyone how I got these talents. How suddenly on brand for me. A lying piece of shit. One of the other committee men looked at me with an indifferent look, like this was just another Tuesday. "Get in the room and we'll get started shortly."
With a nod, I did as told. The door shut behind me immediately, like I interrupted them and got kicked out. That startled me back to reality. Pastel green walls hurt my dark adjusted eyes. Machines, monitors, cabinets, and little trollies with medical tools I didn't know the name of. I glanced over at the window. Of course, it had to be one way glass. Looking around this room alone made that feeling grow. Something was wrong. Very wrong. Everything in my body told me to run. The warning bells in my mind told me that I could die here. Instinctively, I put my hand on the doorknob to make a run for it, despite me trying my best to stop myself. The door opened right as my fingers felt the cold metal. Matsuda. Shutting the door behind him as he got all the way in. "Why didn't you go lay down? That was the obvious thing to do." His dry voice made me wanna punch him already. Who did this guy think he was? Probably just talked to me like that because of the ultimate status.
As I turned to the bed, I debated snapping back at him. Figured I shouldn't since the committee would be watching. "Can they hear us?" I laid down as I asked that. At least this bed was more comfortable than it looked. Not as good as the dorm one, but hey, better than nothing. "Of course, they can." Matsuda looked over the tools on a small trolley by the bed. Medical tools always looked like torture devices to me. "Wait, so why are you doing this? You're a student." I asked as I saw him put on some gloves. Would they really let some untrained medical professional work on me? Even if it's a 'small procedure', it didn't seem legal at the very least. He gave me a dirty look as he popped the second glove on. "I'm the ultimate neurologist. I know what I'm doing." My only response was a frustrated sigh. Didn't feel right. A moment's silence. I could sense him softing a bit as he stared at me, giving a sigh of his own. My anxiety clearly being observed. "We have another doctor in that room too. Relax." His tone became slightly less dry. 'Other' doctor, huh?
I nodded and faced the ceiling. Painted the same pastel green color as the tiled wall. Was that supposed to be relaxing? "Are you gonna knock me out or something?" I debated asking what the procedure is, but decided to wait for his explanation. They usually give those, I think. My sweaty hands get wiped on my gown. Surely, that left a streak. He hooked me up to a monitor as he doesn't look at me. Only the monitor. "I can get you a painkiller, but that's it. You need to be awake for this. Just listen to me and don't freak out. You'll fuck it up." I shook my head at that, letting out a small laugh out of defeat. God, what were they doing to me? This freak won't get any patients if he's like this to them too. Matsuda got closer. His grey eyes stared straight into one of mine before he motioned to the window for someone to come in. "If you're in pain, tell me." His assertive voice wasn't as interesting as the woman coming in. Clearly the 'other' doctor he motioned over.
As the woman stood beside me, Matsuda put his hand on my face around the eye he stared at seconds ago, the left, and grabbed one of the tools at his side. Looked like an icepick. Silently, as if this wasn't out of the ordinary, he held my eye open and made a projectory towards it. Shaking, I jumped back into the bed, out of my conscious control. "Ugh, I'll strap your head down if you act like that." He stopped holding my eye open as he complained. His attitude made this worse. What could I even do? My breath heavy and loud, I could feel sweat beading on my face. My hands as sweaty as before.
"W-wait...! This is-" Before I could finish my sentence, the woman strapped my head down. The panic set in. The monitors beeping got louder and faster in an almost mocking way. I tried to use my hands to stop her, purely out of confused fear and she strapped those down too. Matsuda returned to his original position of holding my eye open. Before I knew it, the tool was in. Between the eye and the eyelid. Every tiny movement made my nerves screech in pain. Foreign, agonizing pain as he focused in on it. Terrified, powerless, hurt yells involuntarily left my mouth. My hands gripped at the arms of the bed. "PLEASE STOP! IT HURTS!!" The screams coming from me sounded so foreign. I never knew I could make such a noise.
"Get the midazolam." The monster ordered the other around as he pulled the tool from that eye. My breath became uneven at some point during that. My body felt weak and see through; like all of my being got exposed to everyone here. Especially the ones hiding behind that window. "Ready?" An injection in the right arm without waiting for an answer. I barely heard her ask, my mind was too panicked. Something dripped down my face as I laid there, catching my breath. Blood? Tears? Sweat? I had no way of checking.
Matsuda's expression confused me when I glared at him. No anger or hostility, but something else he quickly hid with a serious face instead. "We need to do the other side and it's all over for today." His tone was serious too, only now it's completely devoid of any of the harshness. Knowing I needed to bear it again, I took a gulp with my eyes closed. The left one already swollen. I have to do this. I need to do this. Nothing else mattered if I gave up. I wouldn't ever matter if I ran like my body so desperately wanted me to. I nodded with the extreme limitation of these straps.
Just like before, the teenage neurologist opened my eye. Quicker, but not quick enough, the process happened again with the right. Whatever painkiller they gave me wasn't enough. I couldn't help making more pained noises. Only this time, I gritted my teeth. Forcing every fiber of my being to endure it didn't make it more bearable. Each movement felt like it was melting into my brain. An indescribable feeling of helplessness. "...we're done for today, Hinata." He pulled out the tool again. My eyes forced themselves closed, trying to recover. 'Done for today?' I wanted to think about that more, to figure out what else could possibly come tomorrow. At the same time, I wanted to think about anything else.
The lady doctor unstraped me and wrapped my eyes in gauze. For swelling? Bleeding? I didn't know. I thought about attacking them for this, but I had to stop shaking first. "...for today, huh?" A broken, weak voice that I couldn't believe came from me questioned. A cry tried to form. Great. That's exactly what I wanted them to see. "Get some rest. Tomorrow will be easier." I heard footsteps. Two sets leave. Then shut the door.
In the silence of the room, I could sense part of my soul dying. I never thought my brain could hurt like this in a literal and metaphorical sense. I laid back into the bed, trying to force myself to relax. What a mistake. I instantly started crying. An infuriated, lost, petrified cry that made my body tense up again. Tears soaked into the gauze. I just hoped the people watching couldn't tell, but there's no way they couldn't.