As she followed Jon, Grenn, and Edd through Castle Black's tunnel, Caitie watched the gate to the courtyard rise for them. It creaked and creaked until, finally, it stopped with a shudder. Once it did, the four of them strode into the yard. It was just as they had left it, if a little more crowded than usual. Excited shouts of "rangers returning!" rang out in the wind. It seemed that every single man of the Night's Watch was waiting in the courtyard to greet Jon and his men upon their triumphant return.
Caitie hadn't had quite this much attention on her all at once since she, Edd, and Grenn had returned from Craster's the first time, and she didn't know how she felt about it. She'd never particularly enjoyed being the center of attention before, and at Castle Black, it was even less desirable. But then she saw Sam, standing right beside the gate, grinning from ear to ear as he drew Jon into a hug, and her hesitancy melted away.
"All right, Jon," Sam said, clapping him on the back. Jon returned the embrace, but more men than just Sam wanted to greet him. As he moved on, Sam's eyes fell on Caitie. He smiled. "I was worried I'd never see you again."
She suppressed her own smile and instead put a hand to her heart. "Such little faith. I'm hurt, Sam; truly." But not a moment later, she threw herself into his arms and squeezed him tightly.
After Caitie pulled away, she looked him over. Sam's brown eyes were filled with relief—but also worry, and it didn't take long for her to remember why. Caitie, Jon, Edd, and Grenn might have all returned, but they weren't the only people Sam cared about whose lives were in danger.
A second later, it also occurred to Caitie that she hadn't yet told him about seeing said person herself only a few days earlier. Guilt bloomed in her chest, but before she could open her mouth to tell him the truth, a cold, cruel voice called "Lord Snow," and she knew it would have to wait.
The icy eyes of Alliser Thorne met Jon's. He stood on the balcony above them, surveying them with a mixture of disgust, surprise, and fury—evidently having expected them all to die in their attack on Craster's Keep.
Janos Slynt was standing behind him, eyes sweeping the courtyard as he sneered.
"This is no place for wild beasts," Thorne said, looking toward Ghost. "Lock him away, or I'll let Hobb throw him in tonight's stew."
Slynt chuckled derisively.
Fury rose in Caitie's chest. She wanted to run both of them through, gouge their eyes out—do something. After putting her and her friends' lives on the line for the Night's Watch, she had no tolerance for Thorne or Slynt and their stupid vendettas. They hadn't risked their lives going after the mutineers. They hadn't spent over two years fighting for the Night's Watch despite the danger of being raped and killed.
And they definitely were not going to take Ghost away just after she and Jon had found him again.
As if he could sense her fury, Sam wrapped his hand around Caitie's wrist and gripped it tightly to keep her from moving. Jon, meanwhile, swallowed his own anger. His eyes were hard, and his jaw was twitching, but he ignored the taunt and started towards the kennels. "Come on, Ghost."
The direwolf padded along after his master without hesitation or complaint. Even so, Caitie couldn't bear the thought of him locked up so soon after being freed.
"I'm going to kill them," she muttered, shaking with the effort to contain her fury as she watched Ghost's tail swish.
"Don't," Sam whispered. "Come on." Using all his might, he dragged her along after the others as they filed into the main hall. Caitie almost wrenched herself away from him as he pulled her, but in the end, she decided that there were more important battles to fight. Ghost would have to wait.
Once inside, they quickly spotted their friends at the table to their left. Caitie squeezed in between Jon and Grenn. Sam took the spot on Jon's other side, while Pyp and Edd sat across from them. As soon as every brother had taken their seats as well, the meeting began, and Jon stood. "Mance's army was closing in on Craster's Keep when we left," he said. "We saw their campfires from Osric's Hill. They'll reach the Wall before the next full moon."
Janos Slynt sneered from his place at the head table beside Thorne. "I'm surprised you didn't ride over and say hello. The King-Beyond-the-Wall is your old friend, isn't he?"
Jon didn't rise to the bait, keeping his face as neutral as he could. "We need to prepare."
"We've been preparing," Thorne said.
"We should seal the tunnel." Murmurs of confusion followed Jon's words. "Plug it with rocks and ice. Flood it and let it freeze."
"And how would we range north?"
"We wouldn't."
The room devolved into raucousness. "Coward!" someone in the back shouted.
Thorne's expression didn't change, but his tone betrayed his fury. "You would cut off our legs, pluck out our eyes, leaving us cowering behind the Wall, hoping for the storm to pass?"
"We can't defend the gate against a hundred thousand men," Grenn said.
"Exactly." Caitie stood and faced the main table, meeting Thorne's gaze. She didn't know why she was speaking; even as her mouth moved, she knew she needed to shut up. But she just couldn't let it go unsaid. "The Wildlings are all with Mance Rayder. They'll be at the Wall soon. There's no point in ranging north anymore."
He glared at her, eyes blazing. "No point? This castle has stood for thousands of years. The Night's Watch has defended her for thousands of years." He turned his glare back to Jon. "And in all those centuries, we have never sealed the tunnel."
"Have you ever seen a giant, Ser Alliser?" Jon asked. "I have. The tunnel's gate won't stop them."
"The bars on those gates are four inches thick. Cold-rolled steel."
"And they won't stop them."
Thorne smirked. "Remind me which order you belong to, Lord Snow."
Jon looked down at the table. "The stewards."
"Are the stewards responsible for maintaining the tunnel?"
"No."
"Who would that be?"
"The builders."
"Ah, the builders," Thorne agreed. He looked to his right, to a seat a few feet away from him, where Othell Yarwyck sat. "First Builder Yarwyck, Lord Snow here recommends sealing the tunnel, leaving us unable to carry out our duties as sworn brothers of the Night's Watch." A pause. "Do you agree with him?"
Yarwyck looked from Ser Alliser to Jon. Then, at length, he said, "No."
Caitie didn't even realize her lips were moving until she had finished snapping, "Oh, for fuck's sake—stop being so stupid before you get us all killed!"
She had never heard a room full of so many people so silent. Grenn's grip on her hand tightened. When she looked around, the expressions on everyone's faces ranged from shock to fear to anger—at whom, Caitie didn't know.
Janos Slynt looked excited, and that scared her more than anything else.
"I should cut out your throat for what you just said." Alliser Thorne's eyes—a cold, icy blue only a shade darker than her own, she realized—bored into her.
And for the first time in her life, Caitie truly feared him. Because he could kill her if he wanted. He wasn't just the master-at-arms any longer. He was the acting lord commander, and she had just questioned his ability to lead.
"Lucky for you," he said, smirking as he saw her stricken face, "we need all the men we can get. But step out of line again, and I'll execute you for treason. Are we clear?"
Caitie swallowed her pride and nodded, only able to do so without screaming by digging her nails into her palms until they drew blood.
Thorne's smirk grew even wider. "Oh, and, as you're so worried about the lives of your brothers, I'm assigning you to sharpen all the swords in the armory."
"Yes, my lord," she bit out, averting her gaze away from everyone and opting instead to glare down at the table.
"Now," Thorne said, moving on from her to Jon, "given your deep knowledge of the Wildling Army, Lord Snow, you and Tarly will take night duties atop the Wall until the full moon."
Everyone in the hall besides their group of friends laughed. Sam had to grab Jon's arm to keep him from doing something as stupid as Caitie had just done. At Sam's touch, Jon mastered himself. He threw his gloves down onto the table and sat back down, pinching the bridge of his nose with his fingers.
"Well, that didn't work," Edd muttered.
None of them cared enough to listen to the rest of the meeting. As soon as Thorne dismissed everyone, Caitie flew out the door, her fists still clenched at her sides. She only came to a halt when Grenn moved in front of her, blocking her path forward, his arms crossed over his chest and a frown etched on his face.
"What the hell were you thinking?" he demanded.
His eyes flashed with anger, and Caitie blinked in surprise. "What?"
With a frustrated grunt, he grabbed her arm and led—well, pulled—her towards the very back of the castle, into a little alcove just big enough for the two of them, and far away from any unwanted ears. "You almost got yourself killed."
Her irritation flared at his accusatory tone. "I know. I was there."
Grenn scowled. "Do you think this is funny?"
"Of course I don't," she said, scoffing. "But what was I supposed to do? Say nothing?" Caitie could feel the anger bubbling up in her chest again; for Ghost, for Jon, for everyone she loved who was going to die. "That spiteful piss is going to get us killed—and all because he doesn't like Jon. He doesn't even have a reason for it!" She ran her fingers through her hair as her voice cracked. "We were so close to having a fighting chance. But now we're going to die, and all because of him. I couldn't just let it go."
"He wanted to kill you. You get that—right?"
"So?" Caitie marveled at how confident she sounded. She certainly didn't feel confident. "This isn't the first time either of us has risked our lives, and it won't be the last."
"What happened in there with Ser Alliser was different, and you know it."
"I thought my ability to find danger was what you liked about me."
"Not the point," Grenn said, still scowling.
"We're all about to die, anyway. You said so yourself. So stop telling me what to do with the limited time I have left."
"That's not—I wasn't—you really don't get it, do you?"
Caitie huffed, growing more and more frustrated by the second. "Get what?"
A look passed over Grenn's face, as if he had just come to a terrible realization. The two of them stared at each other, and suddenly, he brought his lips down onto hers; furious, desperate, and—well, if she didn't know any better, she would have said afraid.
Everything faded into the background: the meeting, the coming battle, and the general dread which filled the halls of every inch of Castle Black. She reciprocated an instant later, wrapping her arms around his neck and pressing herself against him, allowing herself to get lost in the kiss.
After he pulled away—whether it was minutes or hours, they couldn't be sure—Grenn stared at her, breathing slowly to calm himself. "Look," he sighed, "usually, I don't mind your…"
"Impulsivity?" she suggested, grinning.
"Aye. But today, I do. I don't want you to die just after we—" he broke off.
"I'm sorry I scared you," she said, feeling much more willing to compromise than she had been before.
A smile played across his features. "I can't blame you for what you said. Just try not to do anything too stupid from now on."
"I suppose that's a fair request," she agreed. "After all, Mole's Town was stupid enough."
Grenn laughed. "Mole's Town was nothing compared to this."
Before she could argue with him about it, he silenced her with another long, deep kiss; and Caitie found herself wanting—needing—more again.
She disengaged herself from him, because she knew that they couldn't keep doing this here. Fortunately, an idea struck her. "Do you know the secondary pantry? The one where they don't keep the ale. No one goes in there at night except for Sam, Jon, and I. And since they have watch duty, it'll be deserted." Before she could lose her courage, she added, "Meet me there after dark."
He didn't say anything for such a long time that Caitie thought he was about to refuse.
But then he smiled. "If you insist."
"I do. But I have to go speak to Maester Aemon. I'll see you soon?"
"Nothing could keep me away."
When Caitie entered Maester Aemon's office, the first thing which caught her attention was Sam puttering around towards the back of the room as he inventoried the cupboard full of poisons and antidotes. As she watched him work, her heart plummeted into her stomach. He looked happier now, the worry lines on his forehead gone, his smile contented as he worked on his task—and she knew that as soon as she told him what she had done, this brief moment of peace would disintegrate.
And then he had to smile when he noticed her, which only made her feel worse. "Oh, hello, Caitie."
As Sam spoke, Maester Aemon looked up from the papers on his desk, his milky eyes twinkling. "Ah, I was wondering when you would seek me out," he said, not unkindly. "I assume you're here to return my missing Essence of Nightshade."
If anything could distract Caitie from Sam, it was Maester Aemon's words. She was beyond glad he couldn't see her expression. "I…" How did he know?
Sam winced slightly, but he also looked as if he'd expected this. In return, Caitie blanched.
Sam wouldn't have told on her... would he?
"Do not blame Tarly," Maester Aemon said, sensing the tension between the two. "I noticed the vial was missing from my stores after you and the others had left. It seemed likely you would be the one to take it."
Caitie didn't even bother asking how he'd come to that conclusion. "I didn't want to be taken alive by the mutineers," she said.
"As I suspected." The maester sighed, holding out a hand. "May I have it back now?"
"I—um—gave it to Bedwyck."
"I see."
"He was dying."
"And you wanted to ease his way." He sighed again. "I understand. It was a kind thing for you to do. But please, next time, ask me if you need something from my stores."
"I will," Caitie promised. Relieved that he wouldn't tell Thorne about her theft, she decided it was as good a time as any to give him her gift. "I brought you wine—Dornish Sour Red from Craster's—as payment."
"I do enjoy the Dornish wines from time to time," he said, extending a shaking hand.
She handed him the bottle, making sure he'd properly grasped it before letting go. "I'm sorry, Maester Aemon. It won't happen again, I promise."
He smiled and patted her shoulder with his other hand. "It's all right. Now, go on. I wouldn't let Ser Alliser see you outside the armory until tomorrow at the earliest."
She let out a relieved breath. "Thank you."
As Caitie started towards the door, she noticed Sam following her. She didn't comment on it, waiting until they were out of the office and into the hall to open her mouth. But Sam beat her to speaking.
"I'm so glad you're okay," he said. "When you shouted at Ser Alliser, I—"
"I'd rather not think about that disaster more than necessary."
Sam grimaced. "It wasn't your smartest move, was it?"
She averted her gaze. Because she had done worse—much, much worse—and what she had done was not something she was sure Sam could forgive.
"Caitie? Are you okay?" he asked, searching her face.
And still, she couldn't look at him.
"I saw Gilly."
Silence hung heavy in the air as Sam comprehended those three little words. Then, "Wh-what?"
Caitie had to force herself to continue, because she knew he deserved the full story, even if she had no desire to retell it. "The day before we left for Craster's—you and Jon were wondering where I had been? Well, that's where."
Sam didn't move other than to blink. He simply stared at her, eyes wide. Finally, "But... why? Why would you disobey orders?"
She resisted the urge to lie, but just barely. Because she knew Sam would hate the answer. "I… wanted to find out more about the Red Wedding."
"Gods be good, Caitie," he sighed. She had never heard him sound so disappointed with her before. Somehow, that was worse than anger.
Childishly, she found herself needing to defend her actions. "I just—I needed answers. I had to know why my brothers' names were on a list of the dead."
Caitie didn't know Sam could look even more disappointed than before, but somehow, he managed it. "I told you to come to me if that letter upset you."
She put her head in her hands and groaned. "I know, I'm sorry. It was stupid—I just... I don't know."
"Did it help, at least?"
She snorted into her hands. "Not in the slightest."
When Sam said nothing to this, Caitie risked parting her fingers so she could see his face. He looked as if he were debating something. "And Gilly—did she—" he broke off, shuffling from foot to foot. Finally, he asked, "Did she say anything?"
Caitie forced herself to stand up straight and look him in the eye. "She told me to tell you she understood why you sent her and Little Sam there. And that she missed you." When Sam didn't reply, she found herself rambling. "I'm so, so sorry, Sam. I thought she would be safer in Mole's Town; I really did. It never even occurred to me—"
Sam held up a hand. "It's all right," he sighed. "I can hardly judge, since I'm the one who sent her there in the first place."
"You were trying to protect her. I just didn't think. And I fucked everything up for myself in the process, too."
He gave her a sympathetic smile. "Well, maybe just a little."
"'A little' is an understatement. I think Slynt suspects I left."
"I'm sure he doesn't. He's not exactly a scholar." She opened her mouth to reply, but then Sam furrowed his brows, his eyes growing cloudy as something seemed to dawn on him. When they cleared, he looked nervous, yet hopeful. "Caitie, did you say that Gilly told you she missed me?"
She nodded.
"You're not lying? She really misses me?"
"I'm not lying. She really does."
And before Caitie knew what was what, Sam had picked her up off the floor and spun her around, laughing with joy. "She doesn't hate me! She misses me!"
"Woah, wait, Sam—put me down!"
"Sorry, sorry," he said, setting her back on the ground, the small smile on his face replaced with a grin. "But I was so afraid. After I left her in Mole's Town—she was so angry with me."
"Well, I won't lie; it's not easy. But she understands why Castle Black wasn't safe. I promise. And she is okay." For now.
"I just worry about them so much. I can't ever seem to stop."
Because Sam loved them. It was obvious to anyone with eyes. But she wasn't sure he'd be ready to hear that yet, so she settled on saying, "I know."
After a pause, he sighed. "Well, the Wildlings haven't hit Mole's Town yet. Maybe you'll be right, and they won't."
"I hope so. I just wish I had..." Caitie trailed off because she didn't know what she wished she had done. There was no good answer—for any of them. The only option left to her was to try to reassure Sam as best she could. "I know it's not much, but she has a chance, doesn't she?"
He looked down at the floor, and, so quietly he was barely audible, agreed. "She has a chance."
Happy (late) New Year and goodbye 2020! I hope you all enjoyed celebrating the end of a truly horrible year as much as I did. Now, let's all take a moment to pray that 2021 is at least marginally better.