A/N: Sorry if I seem a little distracted here. I forced myself to publish this for your enjoyment now instead of waiting until I was actually done thinking of and processing this completely different fanfic idea I have. So I have another scene playing in my head as I'm writing this. Fun!
5-10 minutes passed in between writing that and writing this. It's a nice scene.
Much happiness, enjoyment. Self-discovery. More importantly, this chapter contains other-discovery, which is just as valuable in this particular circumstance. Yay!
Chirp.
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Yahiko
I need someone to talk to. If I can't talk to Nagato, and Hidan's not available, then I just have to find someone somewhere else.
Business was slow, as if the universe was encouraging Yahiko in this direction. He took a deep breath. Still scary! And he let the breath out. He repeated this process again before approaching his boss and asking to speak with her if she was available.
She looked around at whatever she had been doing before he showed up. "In ten minutes."
Yahiko nodded, thanked her, and went back to his place. Okay, so, I have ten minutes. I know I'm not great at talking, especially about hard things, so I should think about what I want to say.
Great! Um...what do I want to talk about? Yahiko looked at the bright colors of the various clothes hanging in this department. I can talk about why I need to talk to her. I'm trying to improve myself, and deal with some things I don't really feel comfortable talking about, and I could use support. Yeah, that could work. Talking about self-improvement isn't way too personal, right?
Yahiko bit his lip. Now what do I want to say about self improvement? This time, his mind came up blank. Uh oh. Yahiko realized that after talking with Konan, this topic had become exactly as complicated as the topics he could hardly talk about. Oh no!
Uh… What can I talk about now?! But nerves weren't helping Yahiko's thinking. When he tried to apply the same systematic reasoning again, he failed. He couldn't even think of a general topic to start on. Everything was so tangled together inside that he couldn't find a place to start. Yahiko tried his best not to slump hopelessly as every problem he had ever had appeared to grow together, merging into a giant, mutant monstrosity before him.
"I am free now," said his rescuer- erm, boss, as she walked up to him. "What did you want to discuss?"
"Um…" Yahiko suddenly realized that, on top of everything he felt inside, his boss also looked very businesslike right now. Her body language was all business oriented. "Oh, um, it was... personal stuff. Uh…" Oh gods why did I want to talk to her about my personal business? Why?! That's what friends are for! She must think I don't have any friends, and, wait, oh god, I don't do I? I can't really talk to anyone, except for one or maybe two people. I don't have anyone! I must look so pathetic!
Yahiko tried to panic quietly. Some traces of it must have shown through his eyes or his fingers, though, because she shifted slightly. Her posture became more open. Not as much as it had several days before - that's what I wanted. I wanted to have that exact moment over again - but slightly more. Yahiko felt his throat close as he realized that what he really wanted was that complete openness she had shown him sometime previously, which wasn't possible or reasonable for him to expect of his boss. He also realized he was seconds away from bursting out crying. "I'm sorry…" was all he could manage to get out.
She put a comforting hand on his shoulder, which worsened the problem. Yahiko's vision went from clear to blurred instantly. "Do you need to take the rest of the day off?" he heard her ask.
I already took time off last week oh gods I'm not doing my job and now I'm crying in the store yes I do need to. Yahiko nodded and wiped away the first giant tear to roll down from his left eye, trying not to sob. There is nobody… It feels just like there's nobody around.
He managed to get out without being yelled at or mocked; at least, not within his hearing. He thought he probably was being questioned and made fun of somewhere inside, though. Yahiko picked up his pace and walked away from the store. As soon as he thought he was out of sight, his muscles tightened and forced him into a run, seemingly of their own will. Yahiko started to panic. No! Stop! Why am I running down streets like a crazy person?! I'm not crazy! Stop! But he could not get his legs to listen to him.
He only regained control of his legs several hellish eons later, after passing who knows how many people, all of whom probably thought he was nuts. On the plus side, Yahiko found himself in front of the park gates now. It was decent of his runaway legs to have taken him somewhere safe, at least. He walked in, heading for somewhere quiet and private in the trees. As soon as he passed the bench where he sat with Nagato, his throat closed completely and tears shot down his cheeks with no warning. Yahiko ran onto the path and ducked behind some bushes that were behind the bench, the same bushes Konan had peered through two weeks ago. He curled up there and started to cry. Didn't I sound so confident earlier when I thought I could talk to her? Where'd that go? Where did that version of me go? C-come back…
Yahiko shoved his sleeve in his mouth again to stifle sobs. His face ached and burned, his whole chest area shuddered with every beat of his heart as thought it was all about to fall apart, and worst of all, there was nobody around to see. That was what Yahiko wanted, but also didn't want, most of all. He struggled to get enough breath to sob with. Ow! H-help me! Help! But he dared not seek out any help.
Yahiko gave up trying to stifle sobs. There was a neverending amount of them in him, apparently, and he couldn't let them out or keep them in or do anything at all. Helpless. Powerless. Like a little lamb. He sobbed three times, once for each of those things he was. The third sob ended as a squeak when a hand fell on his shoulder.
Yahiko stiffened as laser blasts of relief and fear shot through his body. Ow! I, I...help? Is it the help I asked for? He turned to look at the hand's owner, face already red.
The dark-ringed eyes of the young snake child looked back at him briefly, before looking down. The boy took his hand back and hugged his stuffed snake tighter. He did not touch or look at Yahiko again, but neither did he leave. He stayed right there nearby, someone to watch and listen but who would never speak a word.
Yahiko gasped as the flow of sobs slowed to a trickle. I forgot about him! How could I do that? How could I forget about him, when he looks so sad and he showed me how to heal things? Yahiko felt sick. "I'm sorry," he tried to say. "I...I'm sorry." The boy sat down, still holding his stuffed snake. "I'm sorry," Yahiko repeated. "I'm sorry. I have to say that, I have to. It's one of those things I need to say sorry for even if you don't mind, because I just have to. I… I don't know why I have to, but I do. I'm...sorry…"
Yahiko's words trailed off, the sound of them swallowed up in the bushes. The sad toddler gave no sign he heard, but Yahiko knew he did. He heard better than Yahiko himself did, because the orange-haired ninja realized that he had not ever heard himself before. I never heard that before. It's the first thing Nagato tells me I don't have to say, but still I never stopped and thought. Why do I have to say sorry? Why? I haven't done anything wrong. It's not a crime to need help, is it? It's not. It's not wrong. Why do I feel as if I have to apologize?
Some thoughts surged up to answer the question, and Yahiko stopped to genuinely listen to them, for once. He also realized that there was a spot of sunlight shining onto his hair and the bushes smelled like dirt. A slow movement of air passed over his hand. And the thoughts said, Because he could be doing anything else. This is pathetic. I'm weak and a drain and a burden. I'm not right. I'm wrong. There's something wrong with me.
Yahiko brushed a leaf out of his hair and those thoughts out of his head. Hey! If...if there is something wrong, then logically that means I should get help, because I need to solve that problem. In what universe could it possibly mean the opposite? It doesn't make logical sense. What would Nagato say?
The thoughts replied, It can't be fixed. I'm just wrong, and nobody can do anything, and it's all useless. I shouldn't -
Yahiko stopped that thought. He had to. It scared him. What was he hearing?! Before he knew it, he had physically recoiled in horror, pressing himself into the bush. The feeling of wrongness echoed through him over and over, like he was a bell and it was the sound, so strongly that he could not ignore it. He didn't want to. It was the strongest feeling of wrongness he had ever had.
"I found it," he murmured weakly. "I found the wrongness. I found it. It's wrong. It's bad. It's everything Konan said it was." He hyperventilated as he spoke. Oh my gods what is that?! It's a monster! Aaahh! I - I can' - gg - aahh! "It's bad. It's bad. It's -" an image of Konan running, running far away across the entire base because she had to get away from him "- It's bad. I, she, scared. Scary." That's why she ran! That's why! I want to run too, but I can't! Yahiko started to cry hysterically, sobbing hard enough to throw himself back and forth, shaking in fear and sweating profusely. His heart felt like it was beating hard enough to smash his ribs to pieces, smash everything to pieces, smash its cage and smash him and break free of him and smash and destroy and ruin everything…
Yahiko gasped for breath, trying to boost the strength of his lungs and ribs so they could resist, but he couldn't. I can't breathe! Spots danced in front of his eyes, and he wanted to claw at his throat to get it to loosen up, but he could not because his hand was too weak to rise. Yahiko felt his mind slip. No, I… need...run -
But then little arms wrapped themselves around his throat, and air started to flow once more, and Yahiko discovered he had the strength to reach up and return the hug, after all. What? What's - scary - no! - s - snake - kid. Boy. The snake boy. H-hugging me. Yahiko took a deep breath, indescribably happy that he could, and another, this one to make sure it was real. I can breathe!
He hugged the boy tighter out of gratitude. "Thank you," he whispered. "Thank you so much. I - I want to hold you. Can I?"
The boy squeezed him tighter. Yahiko giggled. "I take that as yes?" He pushed himself upright, because he had somehow ended up leaning to one side, and used both arms to pull the toddler into his lap. Woah. He feels so small. So fragile. He's only a toddler! Yahiko opened his eyes fully and looked at the boy. His black hair was rather wispy, wasn't it? Yahiko stroked it softly. It felt soft and fuzzy, like the hair equivalent of down. Do all babies have hair this soft? Yahiko ran his hand along it again, and again, not aware of what he was doing or why he was doing it. His breathing slowed and became shallower, as did each beat of his heart. Woah. A feeling of great wonder and awe pushed aside everything else. Amazing…
Yahiko blinked and remembered something that he always knew, but did not always remember that he knew. If things like this exist in the world, then the world must always be a worthy place. He'd forgotten that. It was the greatest argument he had for why he liked the world, no matter what happened to him. I like the world because it has little wonderful things like this. Yahiko petted the snake boy's hair, more deliberately now, taking care not to press the boy too strongly against his shoulder. Why did I need to be reminded of that?
But who cared? Yahiko pushed aside all thoughts for now and simply sat, marveling at the young boy he held on his lap. The boy had stopped holding his stuffed snake at all, and had a solid grip on Yahiko's shirt. Aside from that, the rest of him relaxed. He had curled up so that his head was right against Yahiko's heart, too, and Yahiko's arms were able to encircle more of him.
Yahiko blushed. He needs a mom for this. I can't be a mom. I'm not in the right body for that. But if he used Transformation Jutsu now, it would disturb the boy. Yahiko continued holding the boy and tried not to focus on his anxiety too much, lest his heartbeat disturb the boy too. He still needs a mom, so I'll have to hold him like a mother would. In a guy's body. It's okay and not at all wrong because I have to, right? Nothing wrong with doing what I have to, even if that is being motherly when I'm not supposed to be.
He started to rock back and forth as much as he was able to. The boy's grip relaxed, then fell away. When his arms curled up next to the rest of him against Yahiko's chest, Yahiko knew the boy was asleep. He grinned brightly, his chakra lighting up and filling with warmth, and pouring like liquid honey through his body. It was by far the greatest happiness Yahiko had ever felt, even if he was technically in the wrong body for it. For a few seconds, with that warm joy in his veins, Yahiko managed to not care what body he was in. It was the first time he had done so in decades.
Konan
There was much thinking to be done, and Konan felt it had to be done alone. It was important thinking, strategic thinking, the kind that brought up a surge of pain and longing for the days when she had looked after the whole of Amegakure. Having a large space to patrol was useful when she had thoughts like these. The strange town with no name was not Amegakure, but it would do.
Konan leaped up onto a roof. All the buildings were so much shorter here than they were in Amegakure! There were no towers in this town. She raised her eyes, searching for a suitable high perch from which to survey her territory.
While her mind and body were thus occupied with ordinary matters, Konan peeled away a separate stream of thought for her private concerns. This kind of thought-splitting was what patrols were good for. Was that appropriate? she thought while leaping from roof to roof, searching for a tall perch. I thought it was so important to keep Yahiko from following the path of his original that it was okay to tell him he needed to fix himself, even though it was blunt and rude to say so. There appeared to be no tall buildings suitable for her purposes. Konan kept looking. But was it? Was that warning important enough to give despite the harm it caused? Did I say the right thing?
Leaping from roof to roof allowed her to travel very fast. Konan soon realized she had checked all over town. The tall buildings she had seen to the north were tall, but too far to one side and not tall enough to compensate for this. It would be better to find a more central position, even if it was not as tall. I accused him of having something terribly wrong with him. That is such a terrible thing to say that I would not be surprised if he did not want to associate with me now. Can I live with permanently strained relations, as long as he is safe? But just now, Konan thought she felt something similar to what Yahiko felt when he saw others being unhappy. Something was not right. Why did he agree with me?
That question was worrisome and unsolvable. Between the two, Konan had enough reasons to push it aside. Never mind that. The important thing is that I ought to apologize, if apologies can still be made. I will apologize at our training tomorrow.
Speaking of which… How shall I structure it? I formed the basic plan immediately, but it needs filling in. Konan recalled what she had told Yahiko. I told him there would be training. A test of his very self. And I said Nagato would be involved. He told Nagato about these plans, as well. That made everything tricky, because now she had to structure it in such a way as to minimize Nagato's involvement, which was going to be difficult if he expected to be involved. I could…
By the time she reached the park in the center of town, Konan had planned much of what she would say and how she would say it. She still needed further planning to establish the timing of it all, and preparations, but the basic ideas were in place. That was good.
Now she needed to locate a perch, head there, and continue her thinking while watching for whatever enemies may come. Konan frowned as she saw the problem with this plan. No tree in the park was especially tall, meaning that she would actually have the same problem as she had faced with the tall buildings to the north. She could not see all of the little town at once. And lookout duty, she had discovered a long time ago, was incompatible with patrolling. The combination of the two took up all her mental energy, leaving none for the thinking she was out here to do.
Oh well. At least there is a convenient central location in this town, even if it is not as convenient as it could be. She exhaled slowly, pushed memories out of her head, and decided to watch the front of the park. It was where people would be passing by. It was the most open area of the park. But, if she was being really honest, those weren't the reasons she wanted to watch the front of the park. Her reason for that had more to do with a particular bench, and milky white lamplight, and fluttering moths rising and falling in the air.
And hell, of course. Konan felt better, so the conviction that she was in hell had diminished somewhat, but it still seemed very possible and even likely that she was. She had told the others that they were clones, and this was a different world, and she had told herself that too. But how could I have awoken in another world, with all of my clothing and equipment, no less? It would make much more sense if I was in Hell. Konan's eyes fixed on the bench as she came to the front of the park. It looked so clear in daylight, so unambiguous, as if she could know exactly what it was. She knew better. At nighttime, the bench would transform into something different, something that was completely ambiguous, which Konan could not figure out at all. She had seen her two most beloved people sitting together under a peaceful light, seemingly happy. Was that supposed to be a beautiful sight, or a haunting reminder of loss? Was it a scenario she could join, or a distant scene that she was forever barred from? Heaven or Hell?
Konan crouched in a tree near that bench, wondering. It might be whatever I hope it is. Strangely, that thought failed to clear up her confusion. What did she hope it was? It would make more sense if I was in Hell…
Konan's breath hitched before she could pursue that line of thought any further. She felt an aura of warmth, love and joy. It made her twitch and forced her to fight to keep from running away. Konan took a deep breath, trying to loosen everything that was suddenly tight. Damn. Why can I not accept good things? I am in Hell of my own choice. This world would not be at all hellish, if I did not do everything in my power to make it so.
Konan turned and hopped from tree to tree, closing the short distance between herself and the source of that aura. The source turned out to be Yahiko, which did not surprise her. But what was he doing in the park in the middle of the day?
"Ahem." She alerted him to her presence.
Yahiko looked up and blushed, tightening his grip on the boy just a little. "He's sleeping," he whispered.
Konan looked down at the toddler. The sight of him cuddling with Yahiko gave her the chills, even though all evidence indicated that this boy was completely different from Orochimaru. That made just as much sense whether she was in Hell or not. Namely, no sense at all. There could be a third possibility: that I am dreaming this. If so, that would explain the vampires.
But right now, there was very little about the boy to remind her of Orochimaru. He was curled up in the fetal position, with his head resting on Yahiko's heart and his wispy black hair drifting across Yahiko's abdomen. The stuffed snake he carried lay on top of Yahiko's legs, out of the dirt. Konan studied the way his hair obscured the outlines of his tiny little shoulders, the way those shoulders rose and fell in a steady rhythm. He was facing away from her, so Konan could not see what his face looked like, but Yahiko could. Yahiko, still flushed but not letting it stop him, softly stroked the boy's cheek with one finger as he rocked gently. Konan could not tell if she was really hearing soft snoring, or only imagining it.
The sight made her feel cold. Konan rubbed her opposite shoulder unknowingly as she reviewed her memories. When had she ever been tiny, and vulnerable, and held so softly? There must have been a time, but she could not remember it. Konan's eyes darted away from the sight of Yahiko softly brushing the boy's cheek. It was too similar to the way his original had brushed her cheek, when they grew up and fell in love and he managed to let his guard down enough to hold her that same way, and she managed to let her guard down enough to allow him to.
Konan was suddenly very aware of the great distance between her, perched in a tree, and Yahiko, on the ground on the opposite side of the main trail. It was a vast distance. Looking at him now, she saw a past version of herself sitting quietly with Yahiko in a room with nobody else around. Nagato was out on some errand or mission, and she and Yahiko were alone. Past Yahiko flushed slightly, and smiled awkwardly, and rubbed at the hair hanging down around his ears. Past Konan smiled at him encouragingly. Past Yahiko's blush faded, though not completely, and he straightened and grinned, projecting an image of confidence and strength. Past Konan snorted, but allowed him to, if that was what he wished. She held out a hand and he took it, and they sat down next to each other on the edge of a table they were supposed to be planning on. He raised a hand, brushing the sleeve of her cloak, but didn't go any further. Past Konan took his hand and pulled it over her shoulders herself, causing him to giggle nervously even as he grinned and held her tightly.
The memory faded. Konan swallowed past a lump in her throat and watched as another version of the same man held a small child the same tender way. She could not keep silent any longer.
"You were always better at that than I was," she said.
Yahiko looked up, startled. "At holding a kid?" he whispered loudly. His eyes widened. "Did...did you have any?"
"No!" Konan spit. Thank the gods, no. I could not survive if that was the case. I have never been, and still am not, ready to have a child. "I meant with you. That kind of…" She mimed brushing a finger softly against a cheek. "You were always the one who that came naturally to."
Yahiko's blush deepened. "Oh."
"Other you," Konan belatedly corrected herself. When will I stop making that mistake?
"We're not different," Yahiko said quietly. "I found it. That, um… What you saw. I saw it."
Konan stopped breathing. He took my warning seriously? She replayed his words in her head, but could not hear a single syllable of offense. He said it just like he would say he found a lost object. It was incredible, but he did. Konan was so astounded to hear him speak this way that it took her a few seconds to realize what he had said. "You found...the wrongness?"
Yahiko nodded and gulped. "I understand why you ran, that time when I came too close and you ended up on the roof and… I understand that now. It was so scary, and so wrong, that I wanted to run too."
Can I believe my ears? Konan remembered what she had seen. Past Yahiko closed his eyes, smiled in that brave little way he did...and asked Nagato to kill him. That smile and those words, they did not belong together. His words and actions were out of place, and he hadn't had an appropriate facial expression, and for those last horrible seconds, it had been like watching water flow upward. She had meant to warn this version of Yahiko to monitor his own behavior for signs of mismatch, so that he might stop himself. What had he done? What had he seen himself do?!
"When? What did it look like?" Konan's tone was flat and blank. This was not a request for information; it was a demand.
"Just a little while ago, before he showed up," Yahiko answered. His voice dropped to a whisper again. Fortunately, their talking had not awoken the little snake. "I listened, like I practiced doing with Itachi. I heard my thoughts. There was this one train of thought that was bad. It was… I don't want to say what it said. But I focused until it became words, and I heard the words, and they didn't sound like friendly words at all. My own thoughts sounded like they hated me." Yahiko choked up on the last sentence, and bit his lip. He looked like a man betrayed by his own pet dog, or his own lover. Hurt, and wounded, and asking why anyone would do that to him.
Konan knew he could not be lying. What? His thoughts? How could that be? The wrongness that she had seen was all action. It was how Yahiko smiled while asking for death. Where did thoughts enter into it? No. Konan's eyes darted around, and she struggled to deny the conclusion that was piecing itself together in her mind. No! Perhaps there could have been a reason why he smiled? No! Maybe...he had smiled...because he genuinely believed he was doing something good?
"No!"
Yahiko flinched from the force of her snarl, and from the aura that accompanied it. He heard the little snake gasp. Yahiko reached forward to hand the boy his stuffed snake and shield him, if necessary. "Konan?"
Of all the stupidity! Konan bared her teeth. Everyone knew that day was the single worst day that could ever have existed. Nothing in it was good, nothing in it was right. All hope had toppled over and collapsed in on itself on that day, and the events that followed. She had tried to rationalize what happened, saying to herself that Yahiko was simply pretending as if anything was alright to spare them further pain than was necessary. It would have been worse if they had all agonized and wept and moaned, which is what Hanzo sama had probably expected to happen. Yahiko must have been simply trying to spare them all unnecessary pain through acting brave.
But...could he have actually...thought there was goodness to be gotten from his decision? Had he somehow failed to recognize the awfulness that lay in every direction, which could not be avoided no matter what the decision? Had he honestly believed he'd found a path that was not terrible?
If so, Konan could not imagine how she had ever loved such an individual.
Yahiko cringed, turning away from Konan in order to shield the boy, even though he himself was shaking as the initial disorganized aura focused and strengthened, becoming hot, burning anger. He would have sworn he could feel it on his skin. "K-k-konan?"
Konan growled as she looked down, before she mustered the strength to speak. "You."
Yahiko gulped. "Yeah….?"
"You are not that fucking stupid!" she yelled. It echoed, bouncing off of bark and leaf and dirt somehow and returning to Yahiko's ears. Yahiko felt the bush cringe behind him. Insects went silent. Birds fled at their quietest speed. And then, only when everything had gone still and silent and the echoes finished bouncing off the trees, only then did Yahiko stop hearing her exclamation ringing through his head.
Konan breathed fast and deep, staring straight ahead at nothing. Her claws - fingers - scratched at the bark of her perch, tearing flakes off and doing further damage to whatever traces of a nail job she had left. Her arms felt like they had been stabbed in a dozen different spots each, and her chakra might have literally been burning her. It felt great.
Yahiko whimpered. He had heard the thought. He had seen it. He knew what it was now. He did not want to die. "I know I'm not," he said in the most sincere voice he could muster. Said voice was a frightened squeak.
Konan judged that voice to be sincere. Gods, she was sick of him pretending to be brave and strong when he was not! When nobody was! It was time, Konan realized. Both he and Nagato had revealed their secrets to her, and now it was time to get rid of those ridiculous secrets, and not hide a damn thing anymore, or else she might lose what little remained of her sanity! Konan felt herself on the edge of losing it already.
I have to get away from here. Konan tried to slow her breathing, to calm down, but it wasn't working. I just have to get away from him! She turned and flung herself from branch to branch to roof, and kept going from there, not stopping until she ran out of rooftops and had to leap from branch to branch again. Just when you think you know someone! I thought I understood him. I thought I knew who I was in love with. I was wrong.
She knew exactly how Yahiko had felt when he had that betrayed look on his face.
.
A/N: Ow.
*sniff*
I loved writing that flashback scene. It might be my first flashback scene ever. And I'm glad to finally talk more specifically about how she coped with Yahiko's death, aside from the general aspects which have been revealed already, which are that she basically didn't. I'm glad to be finally getting to that point in her story.
In fact, I was so inspired by that flashback scene that I felt I must go on in that vein, and write more scenes of the past. Onward!
Love
Yahiko, Nagato and Konan stood on an elevated platform, looking over the small crowd of Akatsuki recruits. As usual, Nagato and Konan stood behind, offering visual as well as practical support for their leader. Both of them carefully aimed their eyes forward, watching his captivating gestures and movements only from their peripheral vision so they would not be trapped by the sight.
Yahiko's warm, strong brown eyes looked out over the small crowd. He was proud to note that there were more people gathered than he could immediately identify by name. The Akatsuki was starting to look like something real. He swept his gaze over the crowd, meeting each of their eyes and receiving nods in return. The whole group looked energized even before he opened his mouth to say anything.
With shining eyes, he began to speak. He spoke of recent successes they had had, such as the successful protection of a group of homeless wanderers from bandits, and delivering food to families isolated from flooding. He lowered his voice to speak more sedately about recent failures they had had, such as arriving at a beleaguered village to find it in ruins already, the conflict having moved on elsewhere. But no matter how sedately he spoke, an undercurrent of hope surged beneath, promising with every word that they would not fail next time, and their success would truly bring good things to the world. There was no doubt in him at all.
Nagato hoped, when Yahiko beckoned him forward to talk about plans, that he could match. He looked at Yahiko directly, absorbing with hungry eyes every brave and wonderful thing Yahiko did, and let the love and determination he always felt surge up to his eyes. But he turned away from Yahiko then, to make it seem like that love and determination was for their shared goal. He created plans and presented them aloud, aware of Yahiko's trusting eyes on him the whole time. When he finished speaking, Yahiko resumed talking, with a different tone in his voice. Nagato smiled as he stepped back. He's proud of me. That's what I've always wanted, more than anything else. I hope I can continue to deserve it. No...I will continue to earn that admiration!
Meanwhile, Konan reassured each and every member gathered below that they had done well, and would continue to do well in the future. Every one felt empowered by her support. The speech concluded, a smashing success.
"I'm really glad that went well!" Yahiko said as the three of them walked away, towards more private quarters.
"We have much to be proud of," Konan reasoned.
"Yeah, but..." Yahiko flushed as he looked at her. "That's not always enough to ensure that people feel good because of it."
"You speak well," Konan said through a smile. "All the practice has helped."
"Really?" Yahiko trailed off, continuing to look at her as they walked. Konan nodded. He smiled and pulled his eyes away from her, looking ahead. "Thank you."
"Hey," Nagato whispered. They all stopped and heard the footsteps behind them in the hall. They turned to see Kyusuke approaching. He lowered his eyes and bowed slightly before reaching any of them.
"Is there news?" Yahiko asked.
Kyusuke raised his head, but carefully avoided looking at Konan as he spoke. "Not precisely, but the members of the squad I was with last mission wished to inform you that, while safeguarding the civilians, we overheard one of the civilians speak our name, and they all appeared to take comfort from this. Our reputation is spreading."
"That is good news," Konan said with a smile. "Thank you very much for reporting, Kyusuke."
Kyusuke nodded, still not looking at her. He bowed again and departed. Konan watched him go.
"I hope he isn't worried after I turned him down last week," she said as the three of them resumed walking. "I truly meant nothing by it, and we continue to work well together. I don't intend for there to be any trouble between us."
Nagato smiled. Yahiko saw that out of the corner of his eye and flushed, remembering how Nagato had pushed him towards her. They had gone on to have an interesting training session after she turned down Kyusuke, and Yahiko had learned a lot more about what she could do with her techniques now that she was no longer forced to hide them from the rain. It was true that it had felt like something special to train with her and only her, but nothing else had happened. He hoped Nagato didn't have the wrong idea.
"I'm sure there won't be any," Nagato reassured. "Unrequited affection doesn't have to cause trouble."
"We can hope," Konan said. The smile returned to her face, just as they reached their private quarters. She already intended to gather squad leaders from each group that had been sent out recently and gather more in-depth reports later, but for now their private quarters were truly private. The large room used for meeting and planning was theirs alone. "I will compile reports. Some scouts have returned recently, but their reports have not been organized into a complete picture of storm-flooded areas yet."
Yahiko nodded, and turned back to speak with Nagato. At least, that was what he planned to do, before Nagato looked at him. "And I will look over all the squads, ensure there were no injuries," Nagato said. "Why don't you help with the reports, Yahiko? There's no point to having scouts if we don't know what they are saying."
Yahiko reached up to fiddle with his hair. "Al-alright." He followed Konan inside.
As soon as the door closed, Konan wrapped her arms around Yahiko's midsection and squeezed tightly. Yahiko gasped and returned the embrace reflexively. Konan softened her grip, but did not let go, leaving the two of them pressed tightly against each other in a warm hug. Yahiko struggled to keep his breath even and slow, a task made increasingly difficult by being able to smell her scent. It was a good scent, and made his heart beat faster. He shivered when he became aware of Konan's fast breathing. Scary!
She bit her lip and stepped back. "Excuse me. I'm feeling reckless today," she murmured, not looking at all sorry.
Yahiko felt himself smile. "No, um, that's fine. What is the point of being lifelong comrades if we can't share a gesture of affection once in a while, right?"
"Once in a while," Konan repeated. It sounded like agreement, but Yahiko sensed it was not. Before he knew it, they were holding hands. Konan usually was more focused than he and Nagato were, but sometimes she was less so, and this was one of those times. Yahiko found it confusing, but workable. Not everyone could be focused on their work all the time, he reasoned. If she occasionally got bored and scattered and wished for more interesting tasks, that was okay. It was especially okay when boredom meant leading him away from the files and towards a large mat they could sit on. It was still okay when her eyes remained fixed on his face at all times, glowing with a strange light. Yahiko started to get unnerved when she expressed boredom with something he was very happy about; that was unlike her. He descended into complete confusion when she cut off his wounded protests with a kiss.
"Hmuv," he whimpered once he realized what was happening. "Mm." M-my first kiss... He closed his eyes and let her do whatever she wanted, since she apparently had a good idea of what that was.
She released him suddenly, and they snapped back apart. They still faced each other, and the distance between them did not feel like it had regained its solidity. Yahiko suppressed a nervous giggle and leaned forward, making very quick contact with her lips again. He drew back with a bright red face and a burst of nervous laughter afterwards, but very proud of himself.
Konan's smile flickered, and her eyes looked troubled all of a sudden. "It has been a busy day," she said quietly. "Do you need rest?" Her eyes flicked over his red cheeks, down to his neck. She was too aware of her fingernails, and she could have sworn his heartbeat was visible. The air brimmed with possibilities, thrummed with energy that promised wild motion and frenzied fun, and she would have liked to bring Yahiko with her up to that speed and that level of energy. It seemed there was nothing that was impossible. But he was gentle, and he was already giggling so nervously from a simple kiss (even if it was their first).
Yahiko blinked, his blush fading. "No. I'm not tired. Are...are you?"
"You are," Konan told him. "Go rest."
Yahiko's brow wrinkled. "But..." It's our first kiss. Shouldn't it be romantic? We could talk, and cuddle, and hold hands, and bask in the glow? That's what you're supposed to do in romance, right? Bask in glows? Her tone of voice left no room for discussion, though, and the distance between them had solidified even more than usual. "Alright. I'll see if Nagato needs something." He tried not to sound disappointed. That wasn't quite what I hoped for.
He held out until he was out of her sight, and then failed. He looked thoroughly disappointed by the time he found Nagato. Yahiko pushed open the door to their shared bedroom softly, so that it would not make a sound. Nagato sat polishing his headband inside, holding it up to the lamp and studying the way the lines in it reflected light. Something about the careful look in his eyes made Yahiko smile instantly, and he came inside. "Hey!"
Nagato put his headband away quickly. "Yahiko? I thought there were more files than that..."
"Me too," Yahiko replied, puzzled. "But I'm sure Konan can handle the work herself. How are you doing?"
Nagato sighed. "Why is love so hesitant with you two?"
"I don't know," Yahiko replied, looking aside. "I swear, I was completely fine this time. I know what I'm doing when it comes to, um, that sort of thing. I wasn't scared of, um, holding her or anything." Revealing too much! "But she told me I was tired, so..."
"Maybe it was worry?" Nagato guessed. "Anyway, I'm sure it's alright. You two are suited for each other."
"Why do you say that...?" Yahiko whispered, feeling immensely grateful. I never would have made a move if he hadn't said to.
"I don't want you thinking you're not brave enough to overcome fear," Nagato said. He stood up and faced Yahiko directly. "I push you because I want you to realize what you truly are." What I truly see when I look at you.
Yahiko's eyes widened, and all traces of doubt or worry fell from his face. Nagato's strong eyes showed that he was not lying. He truly believed Yahiko was just as strong. "You would do that for me?"
"Always and forever."
Amazing. Yahiko stopped thinking of time, of anything, and studied Nagato's face. That, too, was a sincere promise. Was it one he expected Nagato to keep? Yahiko decided, Yes. And you bet I'll hold him to it! Jiraiya sensei's belief really had to be true. That determined, loving look in his eyes would not allow Nagato to be anything less than a hero. Yahiko grinned back at him, suddenly filled with the burning need to be there, to see it come true. Always and forever!
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A/N: If I had a larger and/or more committed readership, I would expect angry reviews after this. But I don't, so ha!
This omake references a scene that happened in the anime, where Nagato and Yahiko were talking about how the Akatsuki was growing larger when, all of a sudden, a paper butterfly fluttered past. They opened it to find a love note from Kyusuke asking to meet her. Nagato urged Yahiko to go check on the meeting, as he obviously wanted to do, and Yahiko looked all embarrassed by that. It was adorable. I figured as long as I was going to reference that scene, I might as well use it as a location marker in time, so sure. A week after. Why not.
*heart*