(TW for this chapter. Please read the author's note for a synopsis if you can't read it)
I was bathed in Darkness. Floating in it. Existing in it. No—I was the Darkness. I could feel every piece of me stretching through the cosmos, reaching and expanding. That was all I was. All I knew how to be. And somehow—I felt so much—saw so much. Life was such a precious and fragile thing. And it was missing. There was a gaping chasm where it should be. Half of me gone. Wiped out of existence. An injury that would never heal. I would continue to grow and be. But the absence of life—half of all life—was an ache shared between every being.
I was lucky to experience the things I had. I'd lived as other beings before. When pieces of me were ripped away and stolen to be used as weapons. Before they realized I was a living, thinking thing. I became part of beings. I'd live their lives until my existence tore them apart. I felt them die. Every time. When they'd bring their unwilling victims into the depths of me and let them loose into the unempty void of space. I would tear them apart to be whole again. And then I'd mourn them. The beings that died so I could be whole.
But this one—this one I loved the most. I'd known her since her first heartbeat. I'd loved her, and I'd loved life through her. I loved him. And how lucky was I to share a life with her? To share all her love and pain and get to feel so much?
How lucky was I to be alive?
She was alive. And I wouldn't let her go.
It was black and dark, and then arms reached into the watery Darkness to pull me back into the light. They wrapped around me and pulled me to sitting. He held me to his chest, frantically checking my pulse for a heartbeat I kept wrapped in Darkness like a precious stone.
"Wrap it around her wrists! Do it fast!" Tony shouted to someone. My arms were yanked painfully away as Happy wrapped up the places she'd opened to set the Darkness free. It bloomed in the water. No longer clear. No longer red. It was solid black, as if she'd been bathed in ink.
Yes.
That's how they did it.
Like blood coagulating to heal a wound and stop the flow, I bled too. That's how they took me apart. How they kept me locked away and dormant all those years. That's how I could save her. If I could figure out how to tell them.
"Is she alive?" Happy asked.
"She's breathing. Help me get her out of here." Together, they wrapped me in a towel, pulling me from the inky black bathtub. "Don't do this to me, Jo," he begged. "You can't leave me too."
"Don't worry," I assured him as they carried me back to bed. "I won't let her die." He squinted down at me as if he was realizing for the first time that I was two people. Jo was quiet. Safely tucked away in a memory of dancing and beautiful dreamers. Tony focused on the task at hand. The task to stop her from bleeding out.
"Hey, stay with me," he said, patting my cheek, her cheek, to get my eyes back open. "You're not allowed to leave me. Got it."
"This body wants to die, Tony. I can't hold her back forever. I'm weaker than I was before. She overpowered me."
"I'll do the best I can. You just keep her alive long enough. Can you do that for me?"
"I'm already trying. The Darkness—in the tub. That's the key. It's what I'm made of. Not what I am."
"The key to what?"
"Extending her life. Pausing me."
I shut my eyes. The Darkness came for us again. But this time, I knew I would be okay. Jo would live. And she'd never forgive me for it.
(Synopsis: Chaos reflects on the things she's experienced and how she loves Jo more than the other lives she's been part of. Since she's been with Jo since the very start. She comes to in a bathtub that is full of black "Darkness" like "ink." Tony and Happy are trying to wake Jo and Chaos is able to speak to them through her. She tells them that the Darkness is the key. Because it's what she's made of, not what she is. Tony realizes he's speaking to Chaos and not Jo. Jo is dreaming. Jo has made an attempt on her life and Chaos is essentially the only thing keeping her alive).
Hi! I hate this chapter. For obvious reasons. It was one of the things I was on the fence about the most. Jo is already in a very dark place and is struggling with her grief. But I don't think she would have done it if it wasn't for Chaos. Since Chaos is already killing her and she's worried that she will wipe out the entire world/people she loves, she views it as a noble sacrifice. I do not condone that choice! I just thought it made sense for what Jo was feeling in the moment. And I don't believe this would have been her choice had it not been for Chaos. Even with the grief and the pain she's feeling. So please do not feel bad if you were unable to read the chapter. It was hard for me to write and hard for me to edit. I have, unfortunately, been in a position where I considered making the same choice. And I don't wish that pain on anyone. Writing has always been a way for me to make sense of my feelings. And I was also in a very dark place when I wrote this. I promise that life is full of ups and downs, and there are always going to be wonderful things to feel and experience. I am in a much better place mentally now and my life is improving. I am doing wonderful things and I am happy. Jo will also get better and she will be happy again.