A/N: This chapter is named after the characters who have scenes in it. Because why not. I have never actually read the Jane Austen novel, but I did read the parody version with sea monsters. I don't remember much of it.

Can't think of anything else, so, see ya in the end notes!

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Kakuzu

Kakuzu continued to scope out the target.

"Nice!" yelled his opponent, a young 30-something with a taste for Hawaiian shirts. He looked like a walking tropical drink commercial without a drink. "Scattershot!"

Kakuzu was pretty sure scattering balls everywhere was not the ideal way to play. He growled softly. Even if he was only here to scope out his target, he still had his pride. He wanted to be at least halfway competent at the game for real.

The other guy lined up his shot. With a jab that was far too forceful, he sent a ball spinning towards a corner at such speed that it actually hit the back wall and bounced up and off, back into the middle of the table. He started when the ball flew into the air, and grinned. "No way! Did you see that? It went into the air!"

Kakuzu rolled his eyes. But it was nice to play with someone so obviously there for fun and fun alone. It took the pressure off of Kakuzu to demonstrate competence. It also kept him from looking like a shark, since a shark would never waste their time on someone uncompetitive, and it allowed him to look around while the other guy did all kinds of time-wasting theatrics. He took a shot, sending a ball into a hole with an appropriate amount of force. Then he looked around while the other guy decided which ball he wanted to aim for.

Kakuzu had learned many things about this pool hall already. Just from a quick google of what the rules of pool actually were, he knew that this place catered to the casual players. Instead of allowing a player who successfully sunk a ball to keep going until they failed, players alternated turns so nobody could dominate. Accidentally sinking the eight ball too early resulted in someone fishing it out and placing it in the exact center of the table, and nobody had to declare which pocket they were going to sink the eight ball in. There was chalk at maybe every other table. Kakuzu would be very surprised if anyone but the sharks and their targets knew what it was there for.

His predictions had proven inaccurate. He'd forgotten to take into account social dynamics. There were serious players here, and of course they didn't want to play with the casuals, so they kept to themselves. The sharks, of course, stayed in that group as well. Kakuzu had not established himself as a competitive player willing to play by the "proper" rules, so he was now ignored by nearly all the scammers. That was good for his anger management efforts, but bad for his attempts to know who the fellow sharks were. They all looked like people at other tables from this perspective.

The other guy finally took his shot. Kakuzu had to wonder if he knew what a sphere was. Based on the way he struck the cue ball, he did not. He hit it on the side and sent it careening off to the right, missing the ball he'd been aiming for entirely.

At just that moment, a loud argument started. It was loud enough to hear what words were being said, which was very loud, so everybody at every table stopped to listen.

"What the fuck? Take your hand off my money!"

"You put it down, and I won."

"That's too fucking much!"

"You put it down asshat. It's not my fault you bet 200 dollars on a single match."

"I was joking! Exaggerating! You know, like when people say they would bet an arm and a leg? Hello?"

"Then why did you take out the actual goddamn cash and put it actually down, moron?"

The moron dissolved into incoherent spluttering. "You- you- you're a fucking shark!"

Kakuzu looked around to see who reacted to that. The sleazy guy who he knew to be a shark restrained a smile. Taking that as a clue, Kakuzu located three others. Clearly they found it funny when someone was falsely accused. Nearly everyone else shook their heads, winced, or facepalmed. Kakuzu was starting to get the sense that accusations of pool sharkery were not to be taken lightly.

The accused kept his hand on the money. The moron finally registered the number of people watching and their reactions. He paled, stumbled backwards, and mumbled gibberish while fleeing the building. The accused pocketed his money, glanced around, then also left the building with his head down. Being accused, even when it was obviously false, was pretty bad. Kakuzu admired his sense.

"Ouch," said Hawaiian Shirt Guy. "That's why I don't do betting. Kills the vibe, you know?"

Maybe. Or… Could there be another reason for their smiles? If someone gullible could be manipulated into betting too much without you having to deceive them in any way, that would be the perfect cover. The moron's outburst also helped. Nobody would think the accused was actually guilty of anything.

Kakuzu reached this conclusion at about the same time as he reached another one. Kills the vibe. That sounds like something Hidan would say. Was using him as a front a good idea? Hidan was a fellow predator, but not on this kind of prey. He probably belonged better among the casuals than the sharks.

"Your turn," Hawaiian Shirt Guy helpfully reminded. Kakuzu turned back to the table. As he lined up another shot without really concentrating on it, he was troubled. His plan might have a crucial flaw in it. Then what would he do? Trying to break into the shark pool after having established himself among the casuals was risking exposure. If caught, he wouldn't have an excuse to come back here.

Wait, what did I just think? An excuse?

"Wow!" exclaimed Hawaiian Shirt Guy. He shook his head, marveling at Kakuzu's mastery of spherical physics. That was the moment where Kakuzu realized that he was starting to like playing here.

Kisame

Itachi showed up a little after lunchtime. "I thought it's been a while," he said.

"The last time you hung out here was when the demon attacked," Kisame recalled. "You're right. That was almost a lifetime ago."

"And I wanted to catch up with you and Same. How have you been lately?" Itachi asked.

Kisame tilted his head, leading Itachi on a walk to the shark tank. I probably have a few minutes until I'm called away to do something. "So far, not so good," he answered. "I've been trying to work on my original's paranoia. Haven't made any progress."

"In all fairness, it is difficult to when you have many legitimate threats to be aware of."

Kisame paused. "No, actually, that helps. But I still want to be free of it when we're not in danger, and that's what I haven't made any progress on."

"Ah. You want to be able to change it?"

"Yeah."

They reached the shark tank. Two children were giggling at Samehada's antics. Kisame shoved his hands in his pockets. "I want to be able to kick back and relax like he can."

"What is the worst that would happen if everything you feared was true?"

A few weeks ago, Kisame could not have answered that question. Now he could. "Everything I ever thought about myself would be destroyed." I wouldn't be able to handle it, and I like to think I can handle things.

Whether Itachi knew what was being referenced or not, he didn't say. "That's a common fear. You are not alone."

Kisame snorted quietly. He's wrong. Kisame's problem was exactly that he was alone. If he'd known anything about his family, all of his problems with his shark half would not exist. But he did not know who they were, those people who had gifted him his pointed teeth and gills, and he knew no one else now, and so there was nobody else who was a shark who could advise him.

Itachi looked up at him. "Do you think I am wrong? Do you think you are alone?"

"Half of me is," Kisame whispered. "I don't know what to do with it."

Itachi said nothing. That was smart. Kisame knew there was no quick answer, so he would have been insulted if Itachi had tried to offer one. Of course I could just try to socialize with more sharks. That's the idiot's answer. It's not that simple.

"Maybe you are not the kind of person who can be like Samehada," Itachi said. "Everyone has their own capacities. Don't try to make yourself become something you aren't."

"Isn't that the whole point of self improvement? To become something you aren't right now?"

"Don't try to make yourself become something you can't be," Itachi said. "If you could relax like Samehada can, with no concerns at all, you would be a fundamentally different person."

"Then who should I relax like?" Kisame asked.

"Relax like yourself as you used to be. Not like anyone else."

Relax like when I was a kid? How am I supposed to do that? I barely remember being a kid. Kisame snorted quietly again.

Itachi sighed. "For all you speak of independence, you are constrained a great deal by other people."

"Yeah." I hope I'm not going to regret saying this. "I'm not like you, Itachi. I have to work at it."

Itachi blinked. "You try to be more like me? Hmm. I've never thought of it that way before."

"Don't get me wrong. I never want to have to read a friggin' book on how to have conversations. I just…" Want all the upsides without any downsides? Shit. I regret saying it. "Sorry. I shouldn't have said that."

"I don't mind, " Itachi said. Of course he wouldn't. "That book was immensely helpful. I believe everybody should read it."

Kisame chuckled. "I agree with Deidara."

"I am a bit much sometimes?"

"A bit." Kisame elbowed him. "It's nice. Me a shark, and you… We can understand each other."

Itachi squinted at the shark tank. "Perhaps you need a specific personality. A shark who could understand you as I can. Are there any sharks as intelligent as Samehada but less carefree?"

"There's no one like him," Kisame replied immediately. "Never has been, never will be."

Itachi said nothing. What is he thinking? I left myself wide open there. There are so many things he could tell me. Which one is he thinking about?

Kisame's phone buzzed. Since his work was irregular and his position was effectively on-call, he got work texts. "Shit. Gotta go."

Itachi smiled and nodded. "I shall browse the gift shop. Perhaps they have new books of animal trivia."

Sasori

I need to hire more people. I can't keep leaving Laurie alone. What if she gets suddenly swamped?

For that reason, he declined to try on his new cloak before leaving the tailor's. "Sorry, I have to go. I'm sure it's excellent. Here's your money. Goodbye."

He raced back. "Was there a rush of business while I was out?"

Laurie looked up from her papers. She had decided today was a good day to occupy herself with insurance papers. "No." She went back to work, reading each form very closely.

Another reason why I should hire more people. I need somebody who isn't involved in management, someone with just one job and certain set hours and nothing more. Someone like he had used to be. Something twisted in Sasori's gut to think he wasn't that person anymore.

Bothered by guilt, he turned away from Laurie and went into his new office. He opened the tab on his phone where he had looked up this information, and made a phone call. "Hello, is this Lithium Battery Power? I am in need of a custom battery." Pause. "The form did not allow me to describe the kind of battery I need." Pause. "Yes, I understand that you can customize batteries for almost any use. That isn't what I want. I want a battery that functions with a metal spike embedded in it." Pause. "Embedded in the actual electrical flow in the battery. The working parts." Pause. "Well, you see- no, hold on, stop interrupting- I need it to be a very specific kind of metal spike. A kind that isn't manufactured anywhere. I have one with me. Can I ship it to you, perhaps?"

I must sound completely crazed. Sasori was sure precisely none of his suggestions would be accepted in a world where people didn't have blinders on. Offering to ship a metal spike made of unknown material would probably get him on a list he didn't want to be on in the real world. Wait a second. Do the blinders people have around here apply to people we talk with over the phone? They're actually located far away, not around town. Sasori's pulse jumped.

The lady he was talking to came back on the phone and said that, being the lowly person who handles the incoming calls, she did not know what to do in this case. She would pass his order on to others and call him back. Sasori gave her his phone number, panicking internally the whole time. That's exactly what she might say to get my information so she can report me. What have I done? I might have just exposed our entire home. He knew from fiction what that could result in. Every movie and book he'd ever read agreed: revealing the existence of the fantastical was a bad thing.

He needed comfort. He needed guidance. He needed something to distract himself so he could get back to work. He turned to the group chat. I just thought of something. Do the blinders people have around here apply over the phone or other long-distance technologies? Phrasing it as a question would get him the answers he needed. Now all he had to do was wait.

While he waited, he went up front to see Laurie. She had all of her papers in a stack and was arranging them so all their edges lined up neatly. "Are you done with that?" he asked.

"I have determined that there's nothing we need to tackle in the next week," she said brightly. "So now I can get back to that payroll system without worrying. Although…" She looked at him. "You're the Bicycle Whisperer. I don't know if they have any money or if they can carry any or what. You're gonna have to find out for me."

"Gladly," Sasori said, though he had no idea what question he would even have to ask. "I'm thinking we definitely need to hire more people. Both of us juggling multiple jobs isn't efficient, it's not ideal, leaves us with little flexibility. It's also unfair."

"You have 'unpleasant' somewhere on that list, right?"

"Well, yes, that too."

" 'Leaves too little time for personal pursuits?'"

Sasori waved a hand. "I get it. I consider my time here to be a personal pursuit, so that didn't even occur to me."

"You need to get out more," she pronounced. "Speaking of which, I was thinking of spending time at your guys' place tonight?"

"I will mention that so they know to expect you." Sasori's heart pounded as he opened the group chat. Please let me not have doomed everyone to being tossed in government-run cages.

He didn't see any sign of his original question. A rousing discussion was taking place about real estate, vampires, and movies. What the hell? He scrolled up to find his question. It took what he considered to be significant scrolling to get there. He sighed. His heartbeat lowered. I really should have expected that. Every discussion we have tends to go off track. I live with a bunch of loons.

The answer he had gotten, which had started the whole discussion, was from Kakuzu. The supernatural forces around here are affecting our Internet, so I expect yes. He'd had to explain what he meant by that, and so started a great long talk about vampires, real estate, how similar vampires were to realtors, bad real estate experiences, what need movie vampires had for real estate, and how similar the Akatsuki were to movie vampires.

I'm just saying! They all lived together, hid from the world together, did vampire stuff together. Just like us! Deidara said.

It is true. If not for the protection we receive from our bubble, we would need to shelter each other from the outside world as well. That would give us an even tighter group identity than we have now. Itachi.

How do you hide blue hair? A contribution from Hidan, who was oddly absent in the discussion until this point.

Hair dye. Either dyeing it away or pretending it was dye, obviously. Kakuzu. Where the hell have you been?

Let's just say I totally get why the vampires are scared of me.

Sasori started typing furiously. So did anyone else who was reading along. 5 responses appeared in the group chat at the same time. All of them were variations on Explain!

Grr. Hidan used an angry emoji. Fine. One of the things that Fugue Me does when I spend hours in a row not remembering things is he goes out and kills small animals and drinks their blood. I need to do that for some reason, and I can't do it myself because I can feel their pain. That was his first message.

Sasori spent his time waiting for the second message in a state of confusion. Hidan is just like the vampires? Then why do they hate him so much? That explains how he has a vampire god.

Finally, the group chat received a second message. So I went out and tried to kill a small thing really really fast. It worked. And, um… I fucking loved it. I think I went kind of crazy, like a frenzy that sharks have. It was scary. I totally get them now.

Sasori stared down at his phone. What? Everything Konan had said about Original Hidan came back. A terrifying monster. Certainly exceeded the minimum. He killed a lot of people. He didn't think of himself like a human. Thought of himself as different, as a predator. No part of that description had made sense. Hidan was just like them, and he wasn't a bloodthirsty predator (just a harmless kitty cat), and he would never kill anyone. But now… He's a lot like a vampire, and he drinks blood, and he enjoys it. Sasori shivered. He was covered with goosebumps, and not because it was cold.

"Sasori?" Laurie stood up and put a hand on his shoulder. "What's going on?"

"Hidan understands why the vampires are scared of him," Sasori mumbled. "So do I."

"What?" Laurie shook her head. "What are you talking about? He's a great guy."

"Yeah, but he can go into blood frenzies like sharks have," Sasori said.

"What?"

"He killed a small animal and drank its blood and really, really liked it."

"Drank its blood?"

"Yeah, he's quite vampiric."

Laurie looked down. "But…" She sounded sad and upset. Sasori remembered that she had a crush on Hidan.

"He's scared too," Sasori added. "He normally outsources this to the part of him that doesn't remember anything. He's never consciously killed anything before. He won't ever again."

Laurie looked up. "I just can't believe he's secretly vampiric."

"Domestic cats look fluffy and cute, but they're right behind us in how many extinctions they cause," Sasori said. "I should have guessed that he isn't as harmless as he looks."

"Really? Kitties?"

"They hunt a lot of birds and rodents into endangered levels."

Laurie looked wounded. "Kitties? I can't believe it. I love kitties."

"Sometimes the ones you love turn out to be murderers." Sasori regretted that phrasing as soon as he said it. Great job. I am comforting her so well. *sigh*

He checked the chat to avoid the awkwardness. There was only one new message. Everybody else must have been as shocked as he was. The new message was from Itachi. Kisame says that he has never experienced a frenzy, and he does not believe Samehada has, either.

"Still want to invite yourself to our place?"

"Yes." That one word was full of defiance, as if it could make everything said about Hidan untrue.

Sasori added that to the chat. Laurie wants to come over tonight btw. She's right here. I told her what you just said. She knows.

Deidara responded. Does she like vampire movies?

"Do you like vampire movies?"

"What? Um, no. I'm not a fan of horror."

"What are you doing with us, then?" Sasori didn't mean to exclaim that. It was automatic. "Have you seen the everything we deal with?"

"You guys are funny, and kind," Laurie said. "It's completely different."

Sasori typed, She doesn't like horror movies, but I think she'll love the movie you were talking about.

Awesome! Don't tell her about it, yeah.

I am sworn to secrecy.

He put his phone away. "Well. I've called to order a custom battery, and they'll call me back when they know what's going on. You have the payroll papers. Nobody's pulled up, so I will talk to my motorcycle and find out if the bicycles have money." I still sound completely crazed.

"How do you talk to your motorcycle?" Laurie asked. "I've been curious about that for a long time. How do you know what it's saying?"

"Normally, I ride it places," Sasori said. "I ask it how to deal with the broken bicycles, and it takes me to the recycling center. Pretty straightforward. For this, though…" I don't know exactly what I should ask it, but I get the feeling that the kinds of questions I need can't be answered that way. "I'll figure out something."

"Can I see?"

"Sure, if there's anything to see."

"Okay. Back to the paperwork, then." A small sigh escaped her. She looked as upbeat and cheerful as ever, but that was a front. Sasori figured the workload on her was approaching the stress level of working for their former boss. And she didn't even have the option to express displeasure because it was a responsibility to a friend.

"Don't overwork yourself," he said gently. "I know this is a lot to handle. Our money situation isn't that urgent. Don't burn yourself out trying to have it all by tomorrow."

She smiled. "I don't mind."

"I do."

Her eyes started to glisten. "Thank you."

He gave her a hug. "I'll look for someone else. Ask Deidara if he has any friends who like cars or paperwork."

She returned the hug. "Paperwork. You don't want to be apart from your machines, do you?"

"I don't, but I'm starting a new project. I have a new machine to be focusing on." He let her go. "It would be nice to have more company, anyway."

She smiled again, and it looked more genuine. "Knowing you guys, someone completely unexpected will be perfect for the job."

"Agreed." Who are the least likely people I know? Perhaps I should ask them first. "Take care of yourself."

She sat at her desk. "Good luck with your motorcycle. Does it have a name?"

"No. I have not named my vehicle, and considering that they don't have feelings, I don't think I will."

"You really should give it one."

He waved and turned away. "I'll think about it."

.

A/N: The movie Deidara's talking about is What We Do In The Shadows. It's something of a comedy, done in documentary style with the main characters, who are a bunch of vampire roommates, being interviewed. Their friendship is beautiful and it has a happy ending. I recommend it highly.

As soon as I wrote those lines, I knew who Sasori would find to work in the auto shop. It is planned. It is unlikely. Hee hee!

I can't help but picture Adam Sandler as Hawaiian Shirt Guy. He just seems like a classic Sandler character.

Well, I have to get ready for work. See y'all next week.