A/N: Never mind. Now that I'm not asked to write specifically a short story, it balloons to full chapter length. Huh. Cool!
Enjoy!
.
Nagato, cont'd
To Nagato's immense relief, nobody questioned it when Hidan said, "I got another thing I'm dragging him along on." Konan tilted her head, but said nothing. Kakuzu calculated what this meant for transportation. He concluded that it meant he was going to have to ride with Kisame and threw the keys at Hidan with a light glare. Hidan caught them and gave him a thumbs-up.
Despite himself, Nagato was starting to shiver and shake and feel overly warm. He hoped they weren't going to a restaurant or anything of the sort, because he would not be able to eat. "Sorry," he said as they walked out to the truck.
"It's fine." Hidan unlocked the doors and they climbed in. "I've noticed something about nervousness," Hidan said. "Sometimes it messes with my head and sometimes it doesn't. From some people, nervousness just feels like being sick. It doesn't do anything to my head. Weird shit."
Nagato buckled his seatbelt. The click and the light pressure across his chest was reassuring. "I am actively avoiding trying to think about where we're going or what we're doing."
"Avoid no longer!" Hidan turned on the engine, adjusted the seat, adjusted the rearview mirror. Then, what Nagato couldn't stand the suspense anymore, he said it. Three words: the name of the local gay bar.
Nagato's mind went blank. His breath left him. He had wondered about that place before, imagined it, looked up information about the place and read other people's accounts of being in such places. But actually going there never had been possible for the same reason he wasn't able to come out. Going to such a place was exactly the same as saying that he was…, and Nagato had yet to cross either boundary. Going to such a place was exactly the same as accepting that as a part of his identity. He had always been sure he would have to achieve that before he would be able to step foot in the building. Only now did it occur to him that the reverse might be true: Could going there help me accept it?
He took deep breaths and ran his hands up and down the seatbelt. Need to keep control over my body. Can't have a sick driver. Hidan seemed perfectly in control, as always. Nagato had to admit he was right. He needed the rest of the ride to begin to calm down.
Of course, all his efforts were undone as soon as Hidan started to pull into a parking spot outside the place. Nagato looked up at the neon sign over the door with what was increasingly better described as terror. His hands shook, and he could not imagine stepping over that threshold. Literally. He might lose the ability to walk. Hidan grunted and shook his head, knocking himself on the head harshly. He then came around to the passenger side door, opened it, very carefully took hold only of the part of Nagato's arm that was covered by a sleeve, and pulled him out of the truck. Nagato stumbled but kept his feet. Hidan continued to pull him by the sleeve all the way around the body of the truck and up to the door.
At the last moment, his courage came back. Nagato pulled his sleeve away. "I want to do this," he squeaked. "I…" He couldn't finish the sentence because the power of reason was quickly deserting him. The primitive part of his brain saw a creeping snake's den, but also yearned to belong. Fear. Desire. There was no reasoning his way through this. He looked around - the people inside, the sign, the other cars in the parking lot. And without a single reason, without a single thought, he stepped forward. He heard the creak of the floorboards inside beneath his feet, smelled the scent of something he couldn't yet identify in the new air he passed through. Strange to sense those things and not the loud background music or the chaotic jumble of voices or the alcohol.
Hidan didn't need to take him by the sleeve again; Nagato clung close like a shadow. Thanks to some foresightful genius of an interior designer, the bar was close to the door. It was only 12 feet to the right, separated by a small seating area of tables surrounded by freestanding chairs. To their left was the main seating area, with booths, and a small dance floor. Whoever planned this building must have been thinking of the socially anxious or unconfident portion of its visitors. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Nagato and Hidan sat down on neighboring bar stools. There were not many people sitting at the bar. The bartender noticed them right away and came over. He was balding, probably late 40s, and had both a gut and muscles. His demeanor was the most unusual thing about him. Former military, perhaps? "What can I do for you?"
Hidan put his hands on Nagato's shoulders. "He's new and nervous. Show him whatcha got."
The bartender grunted. "Here at this fine establishment, we pride ourselves on our variety of options. We have available 3 different kinds of whiskey. 5 bourbons. 4 beers. One phone number for emergency services. 3 servers circulating among the crowd, the newest of which has 4 weeks of experience looking out for creeps and devising ways to intervene. One manager, who would be me, with the authority and the spine to ban anyone trying something illegal. And we have a wide spread of nonalcoholic options, lemme see… Orange juice, milk, water… 6 of them." He clapped his hands. "Bill Gates would be hard pressed to have a bad evening here."
Hidan grinned. "Fuck, I love this place."
Nagato's mouth had fallen open. He looked back and saw that not only was the bar comfortably distant from the crowds, but it had a very good view of them. Most of the booths were at least partially open in this direction. The dance floor was visible. The servers were very visible in their distinctive uniforms. "Was this place built to be the safest, most comfortable bar in existence?" he asked the bartender/manager.
The man nodded. "Yup. I've put it in my will that it's to stay that way." He turned away. "Drinks?"
"Nonalcoholic for me," Hidan called. "Orange juice." He looked at Nagato. "What do you like?"
"Also orange juice." Does he know someone who's been assaulted? Who else would build a whole bar on the premise of safety?
"Something involving orange juice for him," Hidan called.
The bartender brought them their drinks. "Have yourselves a lovely time," he said before departing to attend to another customer.
Hidan turned sideways and leaned against the bar, sipping his orange juice. "Okay, here's the plan. One drink per twenty minutes, max. Sip it slowly so you're not turning down offers from well-meaning strangers who see an easy pickup line. I'll stay here, right here, in this seat. I won't be watchin' ya like a hawk, but you can come back at any time and I'll stop what I'm doing. We can leave at any time…" He pulled out his phone. "...as long as it's at least five minutes from now. That's the minimum. Five minutes." He put his phone away and took another sip from his orange juice. "Sorry about the drink limit. My feeling powers are super fucking inconvenient sometimes. Anyway, you cool?"
Nagato was astonished to find that he was. Sometime during the bartender's listing of the safety protocols and Hidan's outlining of the plan, his heartbeat had dropped back to normal. Reason had returned. He could even feel his shinobi instincts just underneath the surface, ready to step in. "Yeah. I think I am." He chuckled nervously. "I can't believe I'm here, doing this."
Hidan smirked at him. "Oh, this is nothing. Get the fuck outta here, go."
Nagato stood up, looked around, picked up his drink and marched forth. He saw more tables nestled in among the booths, narrow ones with high chairs that were meant for temporary resting in between bouts of dancing or other activity. He sat at one of those. I have no idea what I'm doing! I do not know how to just walk up to a guy and flirt. I don't know how to flirt, period. I don't know how to approach a guy with that kind of intent. So I am just going to sit here and hope it's obvious that I'm available. For, uh, talking to. Thank the gods Hidan's here.
He sipped his mixer and watched the dance floor for a couple minutes. Then someone took notice of him. "May I sit here?" the someone asked. He was average height, with short, dark hair, and probably had a job that demanded medium-intensity manual labor. His facial hair was well trimmed and his pants and shirt matched, indicating that he'd come to make a good impression on someone, but his shirt covered all of him and was of a normal looseness, so he didn't seem sexually aggressive. Nagato smiled and nodded. He had no idea if this guy was attractive to him or not, but there was a good chance of interesting conversation.
"I don't think I've seen you before," the guy said.
"I've never been here before."
"Oh." The guy took a swig of his drink and looked around. "How do you like it so far?"
"I think the bartender is my hero. Forget Superman; what did he ever do? This is a public service."
"That man is going to shut down the entire town when he dies," the guy confirmed. "At least the gay part of it. We'll all be too busy giving a standing ovation to the casket to work that day."
Maybe it was the alcohol, or maybe it was the atmosphere. Maybe it was flirtatious instincts he didn't know he had. Most likely, it was just because the image of a casket receiving a standing ovation was funny. Nagato laughed. "That's a good use of a day!"
The guy grinned and raised his glass. They toasted. Nagato wasn't sure what, but toasts were friendly, so why not. After toasting, he felt comfortable enough with this man to admit some things. "I don't know exactly what I'm here for," he said. "Just breaking out of my comfort zone, I guess. I'm not looking for anything serious."
The guy looked mildly disappointed. "Guess I'll be going home with someone else," he muttered. "But the night's young. Let's stay and talk some more."
"I'd like that."
The guy correctly guessed that Nagato had little experience with the gay life. He shared his own experiences: coming out to his family ("I'm damn lucky, I know."), coming out to friends and, eventually, at his workplace ("I think I'd instinctively looked for people that would be open even before I knew I wanted to come out, you know?"), his first boyfriend. "We had completely different comfort levels," the guy said. "He was gorgeous and funny, and I really liked him, but he was always looking over his shoulder like a flaming mob was coming after us when we were in public. Second guessing my friends. Refusing to go out to certain places because they might not be safe. It was a good few years that we had. But I'm not a therapist, you know?"
Nagato nodded. "Funny coincidence: the friend that I came with is, kind of, a therapist. Not officially. But he does that for people. He brought me here for my benefit. I'm not even out to myself yet. I can't think the word."
"The word?" The guy made a face. "Wow."
"Yeah. We are in completely different places." Nagato chuckled. "But it's not because I'm afraid of torches and pitchforks. It's because… Well… I've just never been all that self assertive. I like to do things for other people. This is almost the first time in my life that I've done something really serious for me."
The guy finished his glass. "Do you think you'll come back?" he asked.
"Probably. Maybe. I'm figuring myself out still." Nagato took a second look at the guy. Do I like him? He's really nice to talk to. He does look good. If he touched me, I think I would feel things. But I don't, like, want him. "Thanks for the talk. I'd like to be friends with you."
"That would be a lot easier if we knew each other's names. I'm Ryan."
"Nagato."
They shook hands. "If you want to figure yourself out, you'll need clues," Ryan said. "Here's one." He leaned forward and kissed Nagato on the cheek before leaving.
Nagato sat on his high chair in stunned silence. A man kissed me on the cheek. He rubbed the spot, remembering the warmth. The softness. The closeness. The hint of teeth as Hidan nuzzled his neck. Nagato grabbed his glass and downed the rest of it before he could think himself into an embarrassing situation. Has it been twenty minutes? Probably. Whatever. I'm not really keeping track.
He got off the chair and ventured onto the dance floor. There was music, but the sort that inspired people to start dancing by themselves, the sort that just made the body start to move involuntarily. There was no coordination, no formal rules of the dance floor. No awkwardness. A song came on that Nagato had heard before, and he started to dance in place to its riff. Someone brushed against him. "I love this one!" they shouted. Nagato danced with them, the both of them just moving in whatever ways they were inspired to. There was much physical contact. The other person took his hand and used Nagato as a weight to swing himself around at one point. He brushed a bit of hair out of Nagato's face. When the song ended, he slung an arm around Nagato's shoulders and led him away from the dance floor, into a booth.
"Why do you keep your hair like this?" the person murmured as he once again brushed hair out of the way to reveal both of Nagato's eyes.
"I just like to," Nagato whispered. He's brushing my hair away, but in a flirty way. Looking at me like he wants me. This is nice. Never stop. He was aware of blushing.
Their hand movements became more hesitant. "Are you…a virgin?"
Nagato blushed harder. "Yeah." His heart started to pound. I meant never stop brushing my hair like this. I didn't want to move on to anything more.
The person blinked. "Huh." He looked at Nagato like he was no longer sure who he was with. "I'm not really sure what to do with that. I…think I hear another song coming on." He left, no doubt to find someone who would be more responsive to his overtures.
Nagato took a deep breath. It felt so good to have someone look at me that way, touch me that way. He wondered if Hidan wanted to see both of his eyes.
"Did I hear that right?" someone asked. He leaned over the back wall of the booth. "We got an itty bitty virgin in here?" He came around and sat in the booth without being asked. "I simply must show you around, then." He made no movement to draw Nagato out of the booth. Whatever "showing" he had in mind, it did not involve standing.
"Uh…"
"Don't worry," the man said. "This is all new for you. You're not used to being with a man, feeling his skin on yours, smelling his sweat, anything like that. I get that. You're only just dipping your toes into that pool."
Nagato's first instinct was to retort that actually he had had close contact before. His second instinct was to lower his hands from the table so that they could not be immobilized in case he needed to release the chakra building up inside them. He could feel his shinobi brain start to whir. Give him a chance. Maybe he's just coming off the wrong way.
"How you liking it so far?" the man asked. "The toe dipping."
"It's nice."
"Nice?" The man reached forward and rubbed his thumb over Nagato's cheek. Nagato blushed again. "Looks like a little more than that," the man whispered.
Nagato let the man touch his cheeks, his hair, his forehead. It did feel good, and wasn't he here to feel things he'd never felt before? The man took his hand back at just the right time. He signaled a passing server for two more drinks.
It's definitely been twenty minutes by now. I'm fine. Nagato sipped his. it wasn't bad, though not what he preferred.
The man talked about his history, too. He didn't try to touch Nagato again. Nagato began to relax physically. His mind, however, picked up every derogatory word or phrase in the man's description of his exes. He wasn't sure why, but it seemed like important information. The man swirled his glass around and drank from it as he talked. When he finished, Nagato was surprised to discover he'd unintentionally drank half of his own drink. It had not been ten minutes.
The man signaled another server, or maybe it was the same one, for more drinks. "Uh, I'm on a…" Nagato muttered.
"You gonna finish that?" The man looked at him like he was very weird for not already having done so.
"I'm…" Nagato wanted to say he was on a twenty minute limit. But he couldn't help but wonder if that information even mattered.
The new drinks arrived. The man slid one over to Nagato and picked his up. "Cheers." He sipped his as if he didn't care whether Nagato did likewise. But it was supremely awkward to be sitting in a bar with two unfinished drinks in front of him. He finished the first one and resolved to just not touch the other one until the twenty minute period was over.
The man next ordered food for them. He promised that it was going on his tab. Nagato enjoyed the food. He felt better about having something in his stomach to moderate the alcohol. However, after eating, he wanted something to wash it down with. And the only liquid available was the glass he'd resolved not to touch. Had it been twenty minutes by now? He wasn't sure.
"This is a bar, you know," the man said. "Not a meeting of the local temperance union."
Hidan needs me not to drink. He needs to drive home safe. I made a promise. Nagato decided he'd had enough. He pushed the glass away and stood up. "I promised my friend we'd be leaving soon. Bye."
Without glancing back, he went straight to the bar. He realized that the booth he'd been in was at an angle which would have made the man not visible from the bar. Hidan was in conversation with some other patron when he arrived. "Hi," Nagato said. The tone of his voice made Hidan's head shoot up and his ears prick forward. Hidan gestured for the other person to go away. Nagato sat down in their place.
"What the fuck happened?" Hidan asked.
The tone in his voice attracted the bartender. "Everything all right here?"
"There was a guy just now," Nagato said. "Spiked hair dyed blonde, late twenties or early thirties, wearing a t-shirt that showed off his arms. He came over because he heard me mention that I was a virgin and said he wanted to show me around. But we didn't go anywhere. He ordered drinks and looked at me like I was weird for not finishing it fast enough. And then he ordered more drinks before I'd finished the first one. And then he ordered food. And said this wasn't a meeting of the local temperance union." The more Nagato described, the more unsure he felt. Of course he understood that being uncomfortable was enough reason to leave in and of itself, even if the man had done nothing wrong. But might it sound silly that he was uncomfortable to hear a few jokes?
The bartender reached under the bar for a portable device that resembled a walkie talkie. He spoke into it quietly. Hidan bared his teeth. "Fuck that fucker," he swore.
The bartender put the device back under the bar. "The servers will bring him to me for a few words, if he's not already gone," the man said casually. Something about him suggested that "a few words" was not something a right-thinking person would want to have with him. "I'm very sorry this happened. You like orange juice, right? I'll get you one on the house."
"I could feel my ninja brain kicking in," Nagato said to Hidan. "I was keeping track of all the insults and backhanded compliments he used when talking about his exes, for some reason."
"Insulting someone who cannot possibly be doing anything to you because you already broke up is a sign of someone that likes to get angry and stay angry for reasons that don't fully justify it," Hidan said. "Good instincts."
"You think that guy was pushing drinks on me?"
"Yeah."
"But he didn't try to touch me or anything. I mean, he did touch my cheek, but I liked that and he stopped."
"Why the fuck are you saying that?" Hidan asked.
Why am I saying it? It's not going to get that man out of whatever trouble he's in. Hidan's already made up his mind. I'm already out of the situation and it's been dealt with; I don't need to try to figure out what happened. So why am I saying it? Nagato looked down. "What are you saying? That it was scary? I should be scared? I don't want to be scared."
"Don't be," Hidan said. "We're ninjas. We don't get scared in offensive scenarios."
Offensive scenarios. Nagato's mind accepted that quickly and easily and moved on to something else before he could even notice. He blushed. "There was someone else," he said. "He brushed my hair out of my eye, and he looked at me. Yahiko's touched me like that, but he's never looked at me like that. It felt good."
In his memory, he saw Yahiko leaning forward to examine his face under the lamplight. That was all it was: an examination. They had both been there, but they had experienced a completely different event. To Yahiko, he was trying to connect emotionally and then he'd seen something in Nagato's face and leaned forward to take a closer look. To Nagato, Yahiko's gaze had made him feel like he was wearing fewer clothes than he actually was. Then Yahiko leaned in, and Nagato fleetingly thought they might kiss, and he could smell Yahiko and he wanted to touch his hair more than anything. The air between them had seemed to buzz with possibility. It was that buzz of possibility that made Nagato's hair stand up and his cheeks flush and his mind say Never stop. It was that very buzz that Yahiko would never be able to understand.
In his mind's eye, Nagato imagined telling Yahiko about this, a pivotal turning point of his life. Being seen at a gay bar, dancing with a man, being kissed on the cheek. How unbelievable it was that all that could be natural, normal. The magic buzz. And Yahiko would have absolutely no idea what he was talking about. He would smile along with Nagato's happiness, but he wouldn't understand. He couldn't. Because even if he did one day feel that buzz for himself, it would not be unbelievable that it could be natural. It would not feel like magic. It would just be…normal.
Maybe it was the two drinks he'd already had that made Nagato's eyes well up with tears. He finished his orange juice without really noticing. Hidan led him out of the bar without a word. They got into the truck and drove home.
Nagato sniffled. This is the breaking point between us. A part of my life that he never understood and never can. No wonder I tried to wall it off as long as possible. He wiped away a tear that had trickled down his cheek. Yahiko… More than ever before, he understood deeply that he and Yahiko would never be together. They wouldn't fall in love. They wouldn't date. Yahiko would never look at him like he was a bright ray of sunshine, too. They were just unbridgeably different. Nagato sobbed. He felt just like he had that day they admitted they could not share a life together. He felt just like Yahiko was tearing away from him, taking a piece of his heart as a souvenir.
That buzz… That warmth… The softness… The thought that he would never have those things with Yahiko made his heart pound. He wanted them. Desperately. He wanted to fall in love, and date, and be looked at like he was the brightest object in the sky. Nagato gritted his teeth against the force of his wanting. Knowing the truth - that he and Yahiko would never be together - was the ultimate denial. And he did not want to be denied.
He and Hidan drove through the suburbs. There were streetlights here. One of them caught a wisp of Hidan's hair, making it flash white. Nagato watched the white flash long after it was gone. He couldn't pull his eyes away. He traced the edge of Hidan's hair with his eyes. The last streetlight, just before the turnoff to the hotel, caught his hair and made it glow white again. White like a moth's wings with light shining through them. White like the lamp they sat under. White like a night-blooming flower. White like the moon that Hidan called him after. "You're both up there in my sky."
Hidan parked the truck. The sudden silence as the engine cut off created a moment that was captured in a bubble, a moment wherein anything could happen as long as it lasted. Nagato found himself drifting forward. The bubble, he knew, would not break. It was stronger now.
When his lips met Hidan's, his whole world tilted with a click and fell into place. And everything was finally right.
.
A/N: *heart*