A/N: This chapter was posted in the afternoon because I foolishly didn't realize it was going to be a long chapter. Had I known that it would compel itself into being a long chapter, I would have tried to have more of it done yesterday. Ah well.

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General

That night, the weather remained pleasant but cloudy, so they had their meeting outside. By this time, Konan was fully aware of the day's events and had already spoken with Itachi. Itachi sat at her right side. Time was allotted for the purpose of eating. Then Konan cleared her throat. "Itachi and I have put together a plan to handle the vampires," she announced.

"I thought these were two separate plans," Kisame said.

"Originally, yes. But on further reflection, they appear to be two aspects of the same strategy." Konan looked around, checking to see if anyone else was going to interrupt. Her tolerance for being interrupted was vastly increased, but she still found it irritating. Everyone else sat at attention. Good. "I have spent the day planning for how we may keep peace. As Yahiko stated in the group chat, the vampires are now in turmoil. There is a chance that their current leadership could be replaced by a much more hostile one. But that has not happened yet; there still is an opportunity to prevent it."

"How?" Yahiko asked.

"Sakumo reminded me of something I had previously overlooked. There must be a significant portion of the vampire population that is undecided. By establishing closer relations with that group and showing them that we are friendly, they may go on to influence events in our favor."

"Doesn't that qualify as interfering with their politics?" Deidara asked.

"Not exactly," Konan said, aware that she would not be able to convince everyone of this. She hoped they would still back her. War with the vampires is important enough to get them to agree to collective action. It had better be. "I intend for us to act in a way that is neutral. No suggestion that Soye was right, no arguing that they ought to support her. It will be like filming a documentary. We will go in, find these neutral vampires, talk to them and learn what they think, and without making any argument at all demonstrate by our mere presence that we are not hostile people who want to destroy their culture."

"Huh," Nagato said. "Just talk to them, standing there, looking not at all hostile. That sounds like a pretty good idea." There were murmurs of agreement.

"What if the angry ones have already taken over?" Kisame asked. "What if anyone who steps into vampire territory is inviting themselves to get mauled?"

"I will be there," Konan said. "Personally supervising this from several houses away, with a paper creation perched on someone's shoulder. Between my power and Nagato's, this is classified as a safe mission."

"So Yahiko and I will be doing this?"

Konan nodded. "Not alone. Sakumo is sending a man who is visibly half beast as part of our team. It would be foolish to bring Hidan, but seeing someone who is literally half animal yet quite reasonable should convince them just as well."

"So me, Nagato, and a beast person are going to talk with the vampires tonight, with you following us," Yahiko murmured. "And we just go door to door, chat with them, ask them how things have been recently and how they feel about it?"

"Yes. It is important to get relatively unbiased reports of the situation."

"Hmm." Itachi stared off at the forest as he thought. "Aside from the risk of our own people being attacked… There might be a risk that we are spotted by the hostile vampires. They will assume that we are there to interfere, regardless of what we do. That assumption could cause the vampires to act as if we are even though we are not, which would negate the purpose of trying not to interfere in their politics. That is, there would be exactly the same effect as if we were."

Konan allowed his words to finish ringing in the air. Itachi makes a good strategist. I could promote him to that position if there is a need for continued strategizing in the future. Her impulse was to recognize the quality of his thinking, then state that such a risk was irrelevant. She intended to go through with this plan regardless of what objections were raised against it now.

Before she could say anything, Yahiko opened his mouth. "What would that look like?" he asked. "I mean, if they think we're interfering, will they start attacking us? Will they move up their plans to attack Soye?"

Itachi tilted his head. "That depends on what their abilities are. I have no idea what this hostile faction of vampires is capable of."

"Not much," Nagato said. "The vampires that are willing to kill their own leader for promoting the wrong kind of thinking are holding secret meetings in alleyways while wearing full body disguises. There can't be a lot of them, and they're not very powerful. There might be other vampires that disagree with her and are hostile to us, but aren't willing to go that far. They could be quite powerful, but they wouldn't immediately attack anyone."

"So what would they do if they saw us in their territory?" Yahiko asked.

Nagato tried to come up with an answer. "Well…" He sighed. "I don't know. We haven't seen many of the vampires." He sat up straighter, eyes widening. "But I know someone who has. Hidan, call the demon boy out here."

Hidan tilted his head upward, cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled, "HEY FUCKFACE!"

An owl perched right above them that somehow nobody had noticed before hooted back. It was joined by many fellows, who coalesced into the shape of a boy. "Yes! I knew it! I am a good director! Take that, Steven Spielberg!" the boy exclaimed, pointing his finger at nothing in particular. He then sat down next to Hidan, looking very pleased with himself.

"What the fuck?" Kisame asked.

"The night the vampires and the Hatakes met in the woods and had their clash, he used his demon powers to make a movie out of it," Nagato explained. "He went around looking at as many vampires from as many viewpoints as he could. If anyone knows how they would be likely to approach conflict, it's him."

The demon nodded. "Lemme see, lemme see." He thought for several seconds. "She told them all you were dangerous, so they stayed away from weird humans 'cause they were afraid. They're not afraid now. Hmm…" Several seconds more passed. "They seemed pretty nice though. Reasonable. Like people."

"Did you see anything that would help us predict how vampires would react to us?" Yahiko asked.

"Hmm…" The demon boy squinted. "I noticed something that was cool."

"What was it?"

"The only vampire that made friends with any humans was the one who didn't have a partner. All the ones who did turned their encounters into fights."

"That could be useful information," Itachi said. "If we knew how likely any category of vampire is to be found in a group, we could use that to predict how much hostility to expect."

"How many vampires are there in total?" Nagato asked.

"Mm… Maybe about a hundred."

Yahiko paled and looked around, quickly counting the people around the fire. "That's a lot of vampires."

"About a hundred?" Nagato did some quick mental calculations. "We saw maybe a dozen in that alleyway. That could have been all of them. Soye's room was packed - I would say between fifteen and twenty. That leaves around seventy vampires unaccounted for. Assuming a third of the total population is undecided - that's thirty - and split the rest between people who are vaguely supportive and people who are vaguely hostile, that would be around twenty of each."

"Across the entirety of the vampires' territory," Itachi added. "Unless they have taken to roaming in packs everywhere they go, odds are you would only meet one at a time."

"Math is fun," the boy said. Hidan ruffled his hair in agreement.

"As I said. This mission is safe." Konan took back the reins of the meeting, impatient to get the plan moving. "Now. We must discuss the rest of the plan before Sakumo's man arrives."

"There's more?" Yahiko asked.

"I think she means Itachi's plan," Kisame said.

"Ahem." That and a burst of chakra generated complete silence. Sometimes they are a bunch of unruly children, I swear. "Attempting to keep ourselves from being attacked is not enough. We ought to increase our ability to defend ourselves as well. You all are technically shinobi, gifted with chakra systems and jutsus that can and have been used to defend nations. Yet you fear a group that lacks chakra or jutsu of any kind, simply because they are better organized, better disciplined, and willing to fight. This is pathetic. The fact that we are at risk of going to war with this group only highlights what was already a glaring weakness."

Itachi raised his hand. She nodded, allowing him to speak. "Allow me to put it this way," Itachi said. "I realized as I was trying to reassure myself that our odds of survival if the vampires should launch an all-out attack depend very heavily on Konan. If her presence is removed from the equation, our odds of successfully escaping plummet, to say nothing of fighting back. Why? Because Konan is the only one of us who can actually fight. I realized that as long as I depend so heavily on another to protect me, I can never feel entirely safe. And that is too great a burden to place on one person."

"Why have so few of you bothered to learn the slightest thing about fighting?" Konan demanded. "It has been discussed. I know this. Yet it has also been laid aside and ignored, treated as if it is not part of your heritage."

"It's the worst part of our so-called heritage," Kisame couldn't resist replying. "Who the hell would want to become a killing machine?"

"Who the hell would want to be a useless doormat that can only watch as his friends are slaughtered?"

Kisame flinched. Itachi leaned forward. "Don't worry," he said. "My plans do not involve practicing killing anyone or anything. They are simple and straightforward. We should have weapons and we should know how to use them. Seals, swords, throwing knives and shuriken. Whatever our originals knew how to use. Even if we do not train at all, simply having access to weapons our bodies already know how to use would be a big improvement."

"What about armor?" Deidara asked, on the verge of whining.

Itachi smiled. "Yes. On this occasion, armor would also be useful. Go get it." Deidara jumped up and ran inside. He came back out with a box of scarves and handed it to Sasori. "Take one and pass it around," Itachi instructed.

Sasori picked a reddish scarf with stylish diamond patterns running along it like a snake. He ran it through his hands. "This feels like something an alpine explorer would wear to keep out a blizzard." He looked around, observed the lack of sunlight, and put it on. After squeezing it tight around his neck, he passed the box to Yahiko. The box made its way around the fire. Everyone, including Konan, followed his example and immediately put on their scarf.

"I feel hot," Hidan said.

Konan glanced at him and saw to her surprise that the demon boy was still sitting beside him. The boy appeared to have a smile beneath his mask. "What about this part of our plans is entertaining to you?" she asked.

"The smartness of it," he replied.

"I'm taking that as a compliment," Nagato said with a grin.

After the box was handed back to Deidara and taken back inside, Konan made note of the only other person there who had not taken a scarf. "Samehada. What do you have to say about everything that we have said so far?"

Samehada made a low sound that roughly translated as, It's fine I guess. It was the sound of not feeling any particular way.

Kisame sighed. "Why do I keep forgetting?" he said while facepalming. "I'm sorry, Same. You've been so quiet this whole time. That means you don't understand anything, doesn't it?"

Samehada shook his head. The humans were talking about defending themselves and appeasing the vampires. Samehada understood defense and appeasement. He didn't interrupt because he just wanted to hear the whole plan so that he could relax and not be afraid for his human friends. He faced towards Konan and nudged his head forward, making the same low-pitched trill twice. Go on, go on.

Konan smiled. "On the contrary. This shark understands the importance of defending ourselves against enemies better than most." She faced the group as a whole again. "We held a training battle once. We shall do so again. I also want everyone here to become familiar with both of the training rooms. The timeline is this: first, everyone shall become acquainted with the training room that holds punching bags and begin practicing hand to hand combat. Meanwhile, we will order weapons from the source that Deidara has found. When they arrive, we will hold training battles to observe how well we can fight when properly equipped. Once I have made my judgments, you will continue practicing hand to hand combat and use the second training room to familiarize yourselves with your weapons. Are there any questions?"

Deidara raised a hand. "Can the first training fight be a rematch between me and Hidan? We've both been practicing, yeah."

"Fuck yes," Hidan said. He smirked at Deidara. "You are so on, Blondie."

"That would be a good idea," Konan agreed. "You two will demonstrate the improvement that is possible from dedication and hard work."

Kisame raised a hand. "I have another question. My original was a swordsman. But, uh, I am not comfortable using Same that way. Even if he can do it, just, no. So what do I do?"

"Get a real sword," Itachi suggested. "Deidara, did that online store also have swords?"

"Yup."

"It would have to be a heavy one with a thick blade to match Samehada's general form. You and Kisame can look through the options after we order the packs."

"Do these weapon packs come with nifty little pouches like Konan has?" asked Sasori. "Because they'll be kind of useless otherwise."

Deidara whipped out his phone. "Googling it, yeah."

"On that note," Sasori continued, "we've got to plan our training further in advance than we currently don't. There are some helpful things I would like to be able to set up. Inviting Laurie over, for instance."

Deidara nearly dropped his phone. "She's a civilian, yeah!"

"Who has studied martial arts, and I was crap at hand to hand combat to begin with, which made us perfectly even. I've been getting a lot better from training with her. Nagato, your original liked to use chakra for everything, right? You'd probably benefit from training with her at first, too."

"Hey, wait, I finally thought of something," Yahiko announced. "My healing. I'm going to need to get better at that. Do we have any fish around here? Where are the fish? They can't be in the lake."

"Fish?" Nagato asked.

"Yeah, I think I remember something about beginner medics practicing on fish."

"Medical ninjas in Konan's world began their practice by bringing various animals back to life," Itachi remembered. "Fish would be ideal. Have there ever been fish in the lake, Hidan?"

"Yeah. They come up the river."

"A healing station upriver, then, where you can catch fish onsite, wait for them to suffocate, revive and release them."

Yahiko facepalmed. "We never sent anybody to help the Hatakes with their rocks!"

"What?"

"The Hatakes. They wanted rocks moved. And also made. Kakuzu, you've got that jutsu that can turn dirt into rock. We can go over tomorrow."

"Ahem." Kakuzu crossed his arms. "You didn't answer my question."

"I know what that's about," Kisame and Sasori said at the same time. They looked at each other. "I knew it first," Kisame said. Sasori sat back and shrugged. Samehada started warbling in a way that sounded a lot like laughter. Kisame laid a hand on his head while explaining. "Ruta rolled hula hoops filled with ball bearings down a roof just to hear what it sounded like. The half wolves and tigers didn't like the noise. The half lizards and snakes did. So they agreed to take their basking spot and move some of the rocks around to create a hoop-rolling place that won't disturb any of the wolves."

"Said spot is right on the river," Sasori added. "Also, they didn't want to move any of their rocks, so they need new rocks made."

"So we can go and help them with their rocks, and also set up a healing station," Yahiko said. "It's perfect!"

"How long ago was this?" Sasori wondered. "We found out about it when we took that walk the night after they clashed with the vampires, which would be…"

"A long-ass time ago," Kisame finished. "And I totally forgot until now. We suck as allies."

Itachi nodded. "Group level ADHD."

"Hey," the demon boy chirped. "If all you guys have it, the author person probably does too, which means the wolf people do too. So they probably forgot too. You're good."

"That explains a lot about this story," Sasori muttered.

"A healing station for Yahiko, a sword for Kisame, Laurie as a training partner for anyone who isn't confident in their hand to hand skills. What else?" Konan was trying not to let impatience creep into her voice. She'd seen how long dinner at the Hatakes' could last, but even so, if the tiger man departed right after dinner like he'd promised, he should be arriving any minute now.

Much thinking was done, but nobody came up with any new ideas. "Me and Kakuzu and Deidara have been training the whole time, so we're good," Hidan murmured. "Kisame's got his sword. Yahiko's got his healing station. Moonlight just needs a partner. You need anything, Itachi?"

"Only throwing knives," Itachi said. "My eyes are unusually acute even without the Sharingan. I would be very good with them."

"I got two more bottles of ink for drawing seals, yeah," Deidara said. "I'm not getting clear results from Google on the pouch issue. We might need to keep them in storage seals like the one Sasori has."

"The hip pouch is too small to hold a shinobi's entire supply of weapons without making a horrendous clinking sound that would draw enemies in for kilometers around," Konan said. "Though it can be used to hold all of them if you only want to contain your weapons and have no need to use them, in battle, most of the weapons are actually held in a storage seal drawn on the inside."

"Excuse me," Sasori said. "Seals can be drawn on any material?"

"Yes, including on a person. Though if they are drawn on a person, the person's chakra will distort them over time. Only specialized seals can be drawn on a person's body for any lasting time."

"How long would a storage seal drawn on a person's body last?" Nagato asked.

Konan tilted her head. "I don't know. Storage seals are so easy to keep in pockets. Why would anyone draw one on a human body?"

"Storage seals for food and water drawn on the insides of the cheeks would be very useful," Itachi said. "That's the perfect way to carry rations into enemy territory."

"What does a storage seal look like?" Nagato asked, rising to a crouch. "I still have all the supplies in my -"

A twig snapped. It was a good distance away. Everyone had time to stop talking and turn around to face the visitor before he appeared. "Hi," said the recalcitrant tiger person, stuffing his hands in his pockets and looking bored. "So we're supposed to hang out with vampires."

Kisame unwrapped his scarf. "Take this. You might need it." The tiger person wrapped the baby-blue scarf around his neck where it highlighted the orange stripes in his hair.

"Storage seals later," Nagato promised. "Dei, I have the chakra ink and brushes in the bedstand in my room. You can put your ink there." He and Yahiko stood up. "Konan just finished briefing us on the plan, so I guess we're ready to go."

"Not quite." Konan stood up as well. "He is not of our group and knows nothing of our battle abilities. Nagato, demonstrate the Shinra Tensei."

"Uh… On what?"

"I'm immortal," Hidan said, leaping to his feet. He walked a few steps away from the group. "C'mon, throw me."

"If you insist." Nagato channeled chakra and shoved his hand outwards. Hidan was picked up and flung backwards like he'd been gripped by a giant invisible hand. The tiger man jumped backward and took his hands from his pockets, eyes wide.

"I think I'm good," he said after recovering his composure. "No further demonstrations needed. Let's get the show on the road."

Yahiko

Yahiko's heart thumped forcefully in his chest. He took deep breaths, but they weren't enough. What if it's too late? What if something's already happened to her? He was careful not to voice his worries aloud. That would help no one.

"Nice outfits," the tiger guy said. They'd stopped to put their cloaks on before meeting with the vampires, as usual.

"Yeah. Konan wore it, and she said our originals did too, so we got cloaks like hers. It's the group uniform. We wear it for special occasions." Yahiko cleared his throat. "So, what's your name?"

"Kusa."

"That's a nice name. Does it mean anything?"

"Grass. We're descended from animals, so we like to name ourselves after anything else. Plants are popular."

"That makes sense. I'm Yahiko and this is Nagato."

"I've heard."

Even Yahiko couldn't think of anything to talk about after that. They entered the vampires' territory in awkward silence. As soon as they passed an abandoned house, the three of them instinctively drew closer together. A paper butterfly landed on Nagato's shoulder. He touched it for reassurance. "Documentary crew," he whispered. "That's what we are. Here to make observations and collect reports. First, we're going to have to find our subjects." He put on a BBC voice. "Vampires, a most tricky and elusive breed of man. During the day, they're easy to find. During the night, barely possible. It's going to take a lot of work to locate our quarry."

Yahiko giggled softly. Nagato's silly voiceover worked wonders. He felt a lot better. "We can't do what we did last time," he whispered back. "We called out for them and drew attention to ourselves," he explained to Kusa. "So we're going to have to walk around and hope to spot somebody."

"Everybody look relaxed and chill," Nagato said. "Peaceable friendly people. That's what we are."

They walked along cracked streets with grass growing through the asphalt, past houses that seemed abandoned. Yahiko suddenly stopped. Nagato and Kusa stopped just as suddenly and glanced up at the roof of the house they were passing. "What is it?"

"I thought I saw something move out of the corner of my eye," Yahiko whispered back. "Should we try to…?"

"No," Nagato decided. "Let's not intrude." They moved on.

Nagato drew them to a slow stop in the middle of an overgrown lawn. "Our subjects may elude us still," he said in his BBC voice, "but notice what marks they have left on their environment. Absolutely none! You'd think that any breed of man would leave trash to signal his presence. Man, the defiler. Could vampires be more evolved than we?"

"Probably," whispered a voice from the shadowy front porch. All three humans froze, then slowly turned toward the porch. It was impossible to see who was there or if there even was someone there.

"Why are you whispering?" Yahiko whispered.

There was no response. Did he leave? Then a person stepped out onto the lawn. He was only faintly visible under the cloudy skies - nothing could be seen of him except that he had a human figure and was pale, wore facial hair and heavy, cold-weather clothes. "It's not a great idea to be drawing attention to yourself," he replied. Or was it a warning?

Nagato cleared his throat. "As you could probably tell from my attempts to imitate a documentary, um, we're here to collect information. Uh…" He looked at his hand and curled it around an invisible object. "Pretend I'm holding a microphone. Explain further. What are the risks of drawing attention? Who, or what, do you want to avoid the attention of?"

The vampire let out a burst of breath that could have been a scoff or a laugh. "I'll answer the second one first. Fuckin' everybody. Everyone's gone completely insane since that announcement Soye made a week ago. First, everybody that took a side shut themselves up. Then they started going around in packs like wild animals. I've seen people in cloaks out of the movies, and other people zipping from roof to roof with scary looks on their faces. They stopped to interrogate me once. Fuckin' thought police." He looked around. "I'm stayin' in my house until the craziness is over. I didn't get turned for this."

"Good luck," Yahiko wished him. He nudged Kusa's hand and they left the vampire in peace. He was already on his porch and invisible when they stepped onto the street again.

"That's not good," Nagato muttered. He turned his head slightly toward Kusa. "A friend of ours who's made observations of the vampires before said they get more hostile when they're together. If they're going around in packs, we could face trouble."

"Too late to worry now," Kusa replied. Yahiko envied him. I wish I could stop worrying that easily!

Another street passed with no sight of a vampire. "Should I do the voice again?" Nagato whispered. "If they're all hiding from the more extreme vampires, we're not going to find anybody this way."

"Wait," Kusa muttered. "What is that I see?" He had spotted a plastic bag caught on a bush outside one of the houses they had already passed. They went over to it. "Looks like you were wrong. Man the defiler indeed."

"It probably blew in," Yahiko said, reaching out to pull it free.

"Hey," snapped an angry-sounding voice. "That's my job." Another hand snatched the bag away before he could touch it. The vampire that had just landed on the lawn shot him a glare.

"Excuse me," Nagato said. "We're, um, doing our best imitation of a documentary crew. May we have a few minutes of your time?"

"You're humans, aren't you?" the vampire said. She appeared to be a young woman with closely cropped hair and long, covering clothes. Like a younger version of Soye. Is she a supporter?

"Yes," Nagato said. He pretended to hold a microphone. "What did you mean by 'your job'? Do vampires have official job duties?"

Yahiko could just make out her rolling her eyes. "No, but someone has to keep the place running. Everyone's gone crazy and started obsessing about heresy and vampirics. They're not holding regular patrols anymore. We do our best, but this place is gonna go to hell if the leadership doesn't get their heads out of their asses."

"The undecided vampires, those that haven't taken a side, are now the only ones looking after the maintenance and smooth functioning of your society?" Nagato asked. "How does that make you feel?"

"Makes me think she was right. About us being like them."

"Another person told us that there were groups of vampires going around surveying your territory," Kusa said. "Leaping from roof to roof with scary looks on their faces. Stopped to talk to him once."

The young woman's fists clenched. "Gods, I hate those people. They're the worst. They're exactly what she said our priests had been." She stepped closer so she could lower her voice even further. "They think they support Soye. They're going around hunting for anyone who doesn't. I've never once seen her with them and I'd bet my right foot she didn't order that. It makes me think even more that she was right. That's exactly what she said the prophet said."

"Oh no," Yahiko said, feeling like he was going to be sick. Why can't people learn? Why can't the world ever get better? Why does history have to repeat itself? He shouldn't have been surprised - should have known that might happen - but he was and he hadn't. She literally told them all about it and still they go ahead and act like that? Right after hearing it? He wasn't sure whether to facepalm at the stupidity or start crying in despair.

"Are you okay?" the vampire woman asked him.

"No. I want the world to be a better place. But how can it be when people learn about the mistakes of the past and then five minutes later turn around and repeat them?" Yahiko sighed.

She continued to look at him. Something in her body language seemed to become more sympathetic. "I'll tell you this," she said. "If our way of life is going to stay stable, there needs to be a massive crackdown. Not on the nerds who spend all their time discussing heresy; on them. When you leave tonight, don't come back for a while."

"Thank you," Nagato said. She ignored him, turning and leaping onto the roof and vanishing into the night.

"Okay," Kusa said as they started to walk again. "I think it's time I learned what the hell is going on here. I didn't understand half of what she just said."

"Hidan is associated with a god called Jashin sama," Nagato whispered as quietly as he physically could. "He's a prophet, which means he speaks for Jashin sama. The vampires used to, centuries ago, worship Jashin sama themselves. But then one of them became a prophet and started showing signs that Jashin sama liked vampiric humans better. Vampiric humans are people who aren't vampires, but have a rare genetic condition that makes them need blood as part of their diet. The vampires didn't realize that Jashin sama is actually a god of life and vitality and stuff, and he likes vampiric humans because vampirics enjoy their worship more than vampires do. They thought there was no difference at all, except that vampirics can sacrifice more blood, which makes them greedy bloodthirsty monsters, and… So now they hate Jashin sama and vampiric humans. But Hidan told us, and we told them, that it's not because vampirics make bigger sacrifices. It's just because they enjoy it more. Those priests centuries ago who thought Jashin sama was rejecting his original worshippers and encouraging greed and bloodshed were wrong. There's no need to hate vampiric humans. That's what she tried to tell them, and it sounds like they have not reacted well."

Kusa let out a long sigh. "Religious stuff. Figures."

They resumed the mission, wondering how long it was safe to stay out there. Yahiko couldn't help glancing around every few seconds, fearing that he would see - or worse, not see in time - one of those patrols of vicious dogmatic vampires. They wouldn't attack us, right? They think they're on Soye's side, defending her against harm. They wouldn't attack the humans who brought her the news, would they? They should welcome us. But some part of his mind was worldly enough to know that wasn't a safe thing to expect. Any child would have believed it. Yahiko did not. He watched the rooftops.

They heard voices. Nagato brought them all to a stop so they could listen better. The voices sounded relaxed. The party crept closer, not trying to hide themselves but walking with prudence and caution. They found two vampires sitting outside. One of them was smoking something. He put it out as they approached. "Hello," Nagato said. "We're a documentary crew. May we interview you?"

"Some documentary crew," said the one who hadn't been smoking. "You don't even have any cameras."

"For vampires? I assumed cameras operated on the same principles as mirrors."

The vampire laughed. "They actually do! I have no idea why."

"We're here to find out more about how your society has been working ever since your leader announced some shocking news a week ago," Nagato explained. "What have you seen?"

The one who had been smoking shrugged. "So many people are freaking out about what she said. I don't know why. What do people from three hundred years ago have to do with now?" He leaned back and lay on the ground. "Not much has changed. I'm fine. No change here."

The other one shrugged too when they looked at him, but didn't say anything. He tapped one finger on his knee. Yahiko wondered if that meant anything.

"You're saying that nothing has happened which directly affects you?" Nagato repeated.

"Nothing important."

"The lack of patrols, of garbage cleanup, of regular meetings, packs of vampires going around interrogating anyone they believe to be unsupportive - that doesn't directly affect you?"

The vampire turned his head and shot Nagato a look. "Don't call us packs. We're not dogs." The bitterness in his voice was strong enough that, even though it came from a lazy vampire who was unlikely to do anything that required too much effort, it sent shivers down Yahiko's spine. Had he been any more motivated, he would likely have been an enemy.

"What about you?" Nagato asked the other vampire, who was still sitting and thoughtlessly tapping his knee.

He stopped and looked up. "This'll all blow over soon. There's no need to get worked up."

Huh. Something about him seems oddly familiar. Yahiko felt like he could understand the vampire's motivations and unlock a deeper level of conversation, if only he could remember which person he knew that the vampire resembled! Kakuzu? No, not grumpy. Sasori? He never seems bothered by anything. But no, it's not an exact match. Um… He began to panic. Was his slow thinking going to doom them all?

"Well, thank you for your time," Nagato said. Nooooooo!

"What were you two doing out here?" Yahiko blinked. He'd forgotten about Kusa's existence. The tiger man looked at the two vampires, a spectacularly bored expression on his face. "Literally just lying around? I would have expected more from vampires."

"I fed recently. I'm not hungry," objected the vampire that was lying down.

"We were hanging out," the other one said. "Because we're friends. Friends hang out and have a smoke together sometimes."

"Wouldn't know. I don't smoke," Kusa said. "How can vampires smoke, anyway? You don't have blood circulation, so addictive chemicals wouldn't be able to find their way around the body."

"I used to smoke before I was turned, and there's no reason to stop," said the vampire who was lying down.

Kusa shot him a look. "I also don't make friends with losers."

"Don't call my buddy a loser," objected the vampire who was sitting.

Kusa shrugged. "If you insist."

"And for your information, there's something about holding a smoke in your lips and having something to pass around that makes a hangout ten times better."

"Huh." Kusa wrinkled his brow. "That might be why my sister and our cousins pass around cat treats. I always wondered why they did that."

The vampire who was sitting stood up. "No shit? Cat treats? That's not dye, is it? You're one of those animal people we met on our hunt!"

"You mean you couldn't smell me or something? Everything I've heard about vampires is a lie."

"Not over the smoke." The vampire stepped forward and took a closer look at him. "So, what's your favorite animal to hunt?"

"Things that run," Kusa answered. "It's a cat thing. We're programmed to respond to movement."

"How often do you hunt?"

Kusa shrugged. "If I'm taking a walk and something runs, I might chase it. I don't go out and look for it, if that's what you mean. Unless the wolves tell me to."

The vampire blinked. "Unless the wolves tell you to?"

"The wolves are the social ones, the ones with all the pack structure. They're our leaders by default."

The vampire's appearance was transformed. He looked younger, more innocent. "You mean, you take orders from the people that are best suited to look after you? You have people that are better suited to give orders and shit?"

"Yeah. What else would I do?"

"...Go around the forest taking down deer and fighting over your kills?"

Kusa's eyes narrowed. "Now who's being insulting?"

"You started it." The friendly vampire looked more and more transformed with each sentence they exchanged. Yahiko smiled. I knew it! I knew there were things he wasn't saying. The vampire that shrugged and let his buddy do all the talking was gone and in his place was this active, engaged guy. He stepped closer to Kusa. "Tell me. Do these cat treats have catnip?"

"They're treats, not toys. They have, like, fish and stuff in them. They're okay. I don't love them, but they're okay."

"Really? Even when everyone else passes them around, you're telling me you don't join in?"

"If you're trying to get me to agree with you that passing around a smoke is the same, I'm not going to," Kusa retorted. "I don't like that kind of stuff. The stuff that gets into your body, into your blood, and next thing you know you can't think without it. Anyone who lets their lives be ruled like that is - oh, wait, you hate the word loser. Sorry. Force of habit."

Those were the most words Yahiko had ever heard him consecutively say, and the most emotional tone of voice he'd ever said them in. Kusa, too, looked transformed. He was more animated in every way. The vampire who was lying on the ground frowned. He rolled over and muttered something derogatory that Yahiko didn't quite catch. His friend didn't even notice him leave. He and Kusa were too busy discussing addictive substances and addiction in general.

Nagato grabbed Yahiko's wrist and pulled sharply. "Let's go," he hissed, and pulled Yahiko away. Yahiko followed at a stumble until they were out of sight and hearing.

"We shouldn't leave him alone in the middle of vampire territory," he panted.

Nagato whirled around. A very strange look was on his face. Yahiko had never seen it before and didn't know what to make of it. It looked like anger, but also other things? "We can give them five fucking minutes," he snapped.

Yahiko was taken aback. Why is he snapping at me all of a sudden? "What's going on?"

Nagato's face softened. He turned away, now looking…was that sadness? "Nagato? Is everything okay?"

Nagato straightened. "The place Hidan took me to that night you met with Jiraiya was a gay bar. Being in that place was like entering another world. I'd never seen men interact with each other that way, openly, without shame or fear." He swallowed. "I'd recognize it anywhere."

Yahiko blinked three times before it clicked. OH. "Oh," he said, flushing bright red. "Yeah. We can give them a few minutes."

They sat down on a nearby porch to wait. "I thought…" Yahiko muttered.

"What?"

"That the way they were vibing together, opening up, being better versions of themselves - that it made them really good friends."

Nagato sighed. "You don't know the difference between friendship and romance, do you? Not even a little bit. Not even as much as the typical person who watches Hollywood movies does. You don't see a difference. They're the same thing to you."

"What? No. You don't go to bed with a friend, or kiss, or -"

"I said romance, not sexual stuff. They're different things."

Yahiko thought about that for a while. Then he asked, "If romance without that stuff is just friendship, why does it have a special name?"

"I don't think your definition of friendship is the same as anyone else's. It's like everything you do, with nearly everybody, is this halfway hybrid thing that's a mix of romantic and friendly. You are very confusing."

Yahiko thought some more. Ultimately, he faced some very hard questions. If that's true, have I never had a real friend and will I never really be in love? Is this hybrid thing the best I can do? But I always wanted to fall in love someday. I always wanted to feel that connection. If I can't… Tears filled his eyes.

"I'm sorry," Nagato said. "I shouldn't have said that. I was just frustrated and upset." But this apology was not enough.

.

A/N: This is why Kusa was the tiger person who volunteered to go with them, and not someone else. Heck yeah!

Man, this story is turning good. I like it. Now if I can just remember that Samehada exists sometime before I've written half the scene, that would be excellent.

Stay cool everyone! I mean that figuratively.