A/N: New shortness record? Probably. Yay!

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General

Dinner that night was held in the sunroom, on Konan's orders. Hidan had told her they were under observation, and she did not want the vampires to know the minutiae of every one of their plans. Sasori chatted with Nagato and Yahiko about his plans for the body of his creation, which would need to devour his sleeping time if he was to have something functional by the next weekend. The two of them had already driven into town to help him acquire chakra ink and scrolls. They had asked Konan to spend the next day showing them how to use scrolls. She was moderately surprised to learn that scrolls did not exist in this world. Knowing that they had vastly more compressible and transmissible means of handling information had not connected in her mind to realizing that they did not use scrolls. If books still exist, why not scrolls? So many things I have yet to learn…

Meanwhile, Laurie was fascinated by Itachi's description of sensory overload. They discussed the pros and cons of heightened senses. Kisame sat with his back against the side of the chair and his legs splayed out in front of him, eating grimly. Samehada licked him often. Kakuzu and Deidara sat next to each other companionably. They did not talk, but they did not need to, for they had talked earlier. Deidara studied the mouths in his palms and reflected on Kakuzu's judgment. It really does take a certain kind of person to use brawn, hm. For starters, you need to not punch yourself in the teeth every time you hit something. He opened and closed the mouth in his right palm, watching its teeth go up and down. How the hell does something like this evolve naturally?

Sasori eventually raised a hand. "Everyone. Remember how we planned to have training battles next weekend? In order for me to finish building my thing by then, I'm gonna have to lose sleep. So if anyone has an actual important announcement to make, make it now, or else I'm going to bed."

Kisame groaned and raised a hand. "I learned something new about the demon kid today. The material he's made out of destroys chakra on contact."

"Holy fuck," Nagato exclaimed. "That's important. I can't think of anything off the top of my head we can use it for, but there are so many potential uses for that ability."

"I think we need to add another section to Ruta's thing," Kisame continued. "This is the second example we've seen of materials that react weirdly with chakra. The demon kid's darkness destroys it, and Hidan's scythe changes abilities. Where the fuck do these materials come from, why do they react with chakra in funny ways, and can we use that somehow?"

Sasori put down his plate. "That is a damn good set of questions. Konan, do you know anything about Hidan's scythe?"

She shook her head. "He already had it at the time he was recruited."

"If I could make even a few small parts out of that metal…"

"I don't think Jashin sama goes around giving divine gifts to engineers for use as scrap," Deidara said. "That kind of stuff is reserved for loyal followers, probably."

Sasori eyed him. "You think the scythe was a divine gift?"

"Uh, duh. It's indestructible, linked to Hidan's soul, and we know Original Hidan received other things from his god. Why not a soul jar?"

"That implies that the soul jar and his immortality were both part of the same set of gifts," Itachi said, "which makes sense, as his immortality would be a curse if he did not have some way to escape it. So the immortality necessitated that he have the ability to move his soul, which in turn made a soul jar useful. The fact that it happens to be useful as a weapon seems secondary."

Kakuzu tilted his head. "So the intention was that he could use his weapon as a secondary body in case something happened to his first? Why didn't Original Hidan do that, then?"

"He was separated from his scythe during his final battle," Konan said. "It seems that he needs to have physical contact with his weapon to use it that way. Besides, I don't think he knew. He only ever used it as an ordinary weapon."

"I don't believe gods have firm intentions," Itachi said. "The gifts Jashin sama bestows may be natural consequences of some principle of how the gods function that we do not yet understand. A simple 'do this, get that' set of actions and consequences, not a gift withheld or bestowed based on opinion. That's the mistake the vampires made."

"Cool. Any other announcements?"

Nobody answered. Sasori stretched his neck and prepared to get up and leave. At the last second, Deidara jumped. "Hey, um, I have some news, yeah! I decided to get a part time job, so I went to Yahiko's place, and they gave me a packet and I filled it out, and I'm going in for training tomorrow. My hours are gonna be moving around, so different times at different days, but I specified that I would not be available super early or super late, so I can still make these meetings, yeah."

Konan tilted her head. In a very light, delicate voice, she asked, "Why was this not mentioned before?"

Oh shit. Deidara shrank back. "I planned to, but then I forgot. Sorry."

Konan said nothing more. She pulled out her phone and tapped at it in silence. Deidara breathed a sigh of relief.

"I wonder if we cloned me, would that create copies of my scythe?" Hidan asked. "Oh, but they're indestructible. You couldn't melt them down or do anything with them anyway. Sorry."

Sasori closed his eyes. He looked like he was meditating. Konan glanced up, saw nothing amiss, and went back to creating an alarm to remind herself to make an appointment to get brain medicine. A few more button presses and she was done. By that time, Sasori had opened his eyes. With a distortion of space-time that made everyone wince and avert their eyes, the demon boy appeared in the center of the room. "I'm not one for calling loudly," Sasori explained to Hidan, "so I thought it really loudly instead. Looks like he heard me." To the demon boy: "Have you seen any other material, besides your own darkness and Hidan's scythe, that reacts strangely with chakra?"

"Nope."

"Darn."

"What about materials that come from other worlds?" Yahiko asked, frowning.

The demon boy shook his head.

Sasori yawned. "Any more announcements?"

"Excuse me," Konan said. The demon boy twisted around to face her. "How long have the vampires been spying on our meetings?"

Kisame sat straight up. "What?!"

"A while," the demon boy said, grinning. "They don't hear everything, but they hear a lot."

"When was the last time we had a backyard meeting?" Nagato asked.

"I think it was that time when Soye showed up, when Deidara asked all those questions," Yahiko answered.

"Before that?"

Nobody could remember.

"Well, shit," Hidan said. "We don't fucking remember what we said or when we said it, so there's no way to know what they know. We are super disorganized. It's starting to lose its charm, gotta be honest."

"Which means there's nothing we can fucking do about what they already know," Kisame growled. "All we can do is try to be more careful in the future. Fuck."

"I'm going to bed now," Sasori announced. "Bye." He left.

"The vampires are more organized than we are," Hidan said. "They've got rotating shifts."

"I see your point more than ever," Kakuzu told Konan. "We have good reason to fear them simply because they're disciplined and organized. We should not be so far behind in those things that we have to fear anyone even slightly competent."

"We're ahead in other ways," Nagato protested. "They have good reason to fear us because we're unpredictable, for example. We seem to be milling around like a bunch of confused sheep, then bam, we cohere into a super focused strike team in no time at all. As long as we can manage when we really need to, I think we're okay."

"I would like to manage when we don't really need to," Yahiko murmured. "I would like to manage most or all of the time."

"How important is it that they think we are incompetent and so are lulled into complacency?" Konan asked.

"They're not our enemies, so it's not important at all, yeah," Deidara said.

"Then I agree with Yahiko. On that note, I would like to announce that I have made an appointment with myself to make an appointment officially to begin the process of acquiring mind medicine." Konan held up her phone. "Let us hope that means anything."

Konan

Her self-appointment was for Monday at as early as possible-o'clock. In other words, 8 am. Konan woke up on Sunday at a time when it was still dark outside, thoughts of her appointment circling her mind. She could not possibly have forgotten it that day. But the local agency she needed to contact was not open on weekends, so she was forced to delay. Who knew what might happen in that delay? Why the fuck is an organization meant to help people who have trouble following through on schedules creating obstacles to getting immediate care?!

Itachi was likely to be useful while not distracting her from what she wanted to remember, so she sought him out. He was still asleep. Was waking him worth it? After much reflection, she decided not. She made breakfast for everyone instead. When Itachi was awake and devouring an oversized portion that surely stretched out his stomach, she spoke to him then. "Itachi, why would an organization that aims to assist people who have mental problems create obstacles to getting care immediately?"

"There are many different aspects to mental health care," he replied. "Some require long term planning, some do not. These two types require very different resources, so it makes sense that a specific agency would specialize in only one."

"The care itself may require long term planning, but accessing that care should not also require long term planning. Not when the target population is known to struggle with schedules."

"The organization I gave you information for does not only deal with mental health," Itachi said sadly. "Most of their clients have ordinary medical needs. That makes it okay, from a business perspective, to operate their business according to the traditional working hours of society, and not do anything inconvenient in order to assist a small minority. Operating on weekends just so people like you could call at any time would cost money. That would be inconvenient."

Konan clenched her fists. Why? Why does everything have to have a cost? People say they want peace, but only after certain concessions are made. They want to help the poor and the familyless, but they conveniently can't because that would cost too much. I understand that sometimes costs are real, but surely, surely, at least once in a fucking while, these claims are nothing more than excuses for inaction?!

"So much for narrative convenience," said Nagato, who was also in the room.

"Much of this world is not within narrative control," Itachi countered. "We cannot count on convenience coming to our rescue. We must fend for ourselves."

Konan left the kitchen and went to the sunroom, where she found Hidan digesting his meal while sprawled on the carpet, dozing. "Hidan."

"Yeah?"

She touched him to make sure he felt the full intensity of her words. "I must make that appointment tomorrow. It is extremely important. Unless I have died in my sleep, make sure I do not forget to do this."

He opened his eyes. "I gotcha." He sounded very serious. Her inner restlessness abated. I can trust him. He will help me. Everything will be okay.

Kakuzu

"Why did you go to the hospital? You know that kid is a troublemaker."

Kisame grunted. "Konan wanted me and Itachi to hang out more. I'm not about to cross her."

This did not satisfy Kakuzu's curiosity. "She wasn't breathing down your neck, was she?"

"No. Look. I didn't know how bad it was going to be."

Kakuzu's eyebrows shot up. "You walked into an unknown tricky situation without full knowledge of what was going to happen? Daring, but stupid."

"I knew what was going to happen. I just didn't know how bad it was going to be. I didn't know that I develop a fear of heights when I don't trust the thing that's holding me up. God, I should have left as soon as Itachi helped me figure out my way around the lobby."

Kakuzu laughed. Kisame tensed. "What's so funny?"

"You are like a child."

"Everyone is at your age."

"It's not a matter of age." Kakuzu's eyes glinted. "It's just who you are."

Samehada made happy sounds. "He is not complimenting me," Kisame told the shark. Samehada hesitated, then tried to growl. It came out uncertain.

"It's not an insult either," Kakuzu said. "Just a statement of fact." He downed the rest of his breakfast and sighed. "The girl knows how to cook. I shouldn't be surprised by that, but I am."

"She was surprised to see me cook. I think gender roles are more rigid in her world."

No more was said for a while. Kakuzu eventually got up and stretched. "I'd better leave you and Itachi to it. Don't want to anger Konan." Kisame nodded. That, they had no trouble agreeing on.

Kakuzu made sure he was alone before starting to stretch and take deep breaths. He was working himself up to do something very difficult. No time for cowardice. We've got vampires around. He looked for Hidan, found him chatting with Yahiko. It sounded like they were discussing some television show, nothing important, so Kakuzu broke in and grabbed Hidan's arm. "Important things to discuss," he growled, then dragged Hidan away.

"What is it? And ow."

Kakuzu let go of his arm. "It's time I seriously practiced with my tentacles. I can't believe I'm saying this, but you are the only person I trust."

They searched the whole building and eventually found Konan in a very unexpected place. She was outside in the storage garage with Sasori and Deidara. Sasori had his motorcycle with him and his helmet on. He and Deidara were just about to leave for Deidara's new job. Deidara tried one last time to protest. "I really don't think anyone will mind Clay."

"I don't care," Sasori replied. "Your first day of your first normal job. I feel obligated to be part of it, and don't try to talk me out of it."

"Fine." Deidara mounted the motorcycle and they rode off.

Konan raised an eyebrow. Kakuzu crossed his arms. "I'm ready to find out exactly what my original did with these tentacles." She smiled. Oh crap. She led him around back, then into the forest so he could not be seen. This courtesy frightened Kakuzu all the more. She hasn't told me half of what he did, has she?

She told him now. Letting them out of his body to rampage as beasts. Opening all of his stitches and basically detaching all of his body parts from each other. Everything. Kakuzu wanted to throw up. Hidan started laughing maniacally and couldn't stop. "This sounds like some freaky shit! Do it, Kakuzu!"

Kakuzu's knees trembled. "...In a moment." Must be brave. No time for cowardice.

Hidan was not helpful. "Hehe, wonder how many joints you can give yourself? Can you bend your arms backwards? Like a living ragdoll!"

Konan raised a hand. "Hidan. Give him a minute. Kakuzu, I understand this is difficult for you. Having lived in this world for more than a month now and seen the lack of body modification you are used to, I realize this jutsu is very strange to you. But really, it is only another form of body modification. Hidan, transform into something bizarre." Hidan transformed into a one-eyed one-horned flying purple people eater. He opened a bizarrely shaped mouth and half roared, half screeched. "Perhaps if you practice Transformation Jutsu, you will become more comfortable."

Kakuzu shook his head. "I do not want to change my body into anything. I'm certain of it."

Hidan returned to his regular form. "But being human all the time is so boring! Transform into a bear." When Kakuzu did not obey, Hidan walked right up into his face. "I said, transform into a bear. I'm serious. Do it."

Kakuzu wanted to protest. But wait. I don't have the slightest objection to that. I would object to transforming into anything else, but not that. Fucking animal motifs. He sighed. Hidan stepped back. Kakuzu performed the hand signs and used his chakra. After a strange shivery sensation, he found himself standing on four legs. He looked down. Nice claws. He lifted one broad, powerful foot and swiped at the air. Oh, I like this. I guess Transformation Jutsu isn't too bad.

"You like it," Hidan said with a smirk. Kakuzu snarled at him. They were about the same height.

"Practice this regularly until you are comfortable changing your physical form," Konan ordered. "I will leave you to it." She left.

Hidan squeed. "Can I ride on your back?" Kakuzu dipped his head. "Yay!" Hidan climbed on. "This is awesome! Woohoo!" Kakuzu carried him deeper into the woods, where they went on hours and hours of bear-riding adventures. At one point during those adventures, Hidan hugged his neck and leaned against him. "I love you when you're furry." That doesn't quite sound like a compliment. It's definitely not an insult. Knowing him, it's just a statement of fact.

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A/N: Heck yeah, Bear Kakuzu is the best!

Here's hoping that self appointment works out. Wish me luck!