A/N: Chapter title says it all. Heehee. A hahahaha! I like this. I like this way too much.

*purr*

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General

Nagato picked Yahiko up from the library. Neither of them knew what to say. Nagato wondered if he should scare Yahiko by telling him something was going on. Or did Yahiko already know? Yahiko replayed Deidara's advice in his mind.

I should keep it casual. I can do that, right? Yahiko cleared his throat. "So, um, the plushies came today."

Nagato smiled. "It's okay. You don't have to play it cool around me. You can let loose."

Yahiko laughed. "They're awesome! Deidara set up one in every room while I was doing my research. You've got to look at them. They're so cute!"

Nagato chuckled. "Just because I voted against them doesn't mean I disapprove. I'm glad you're happy. And if they look anything like that one quest you showed me, I'll love them too."

Yahiko giggled. Then his face fell. "Deidara told me something sad, though. He brought up the possibility that I might be able to meet the character they're based off of, then said it probably wouldn't happen since we don't seem to have any characters from other universes around here. I would love to meet him. Even if I died on the spot, it'd be worth it."

"Even if you died? Why would you die? He's one of the heroes, isn't he?"

"Yeah, but I ordered a dozen plushies of him. If he found out about it, I would die of embarrassment."

Nagato laughed. "Yahiko. It's okay. You're so easily embarrassed, but you don't need to be."

"But- But-" Yahiko struggled for words. "He's just so cool. I would already be going nuts if I met him. On top of that?"

"He's one of your personal heroes, isn't he?"

"Yeah."

This is an excellent distraction from whatever Hidan was worried about. Distract away! "What do you admire him for?"

"He's just so cool."

"In what way? What actions does he do that are cool?"

Yahiko sighed. "It's not his actions, really. Well, I guess it is. Partly. It's mainly the way he looks while he's doing them. Did I tell you about this quest I did recently where he showed all kinds of new emotional animations?" Yahiko proceeded to babble about them. "And there was this other quest where he smiled, and it was amazing! Those two are my favorite quests now. The animators are so great. I hope he and Alex have a happy ending. He deserves it! Oh, oh, oh, and he has longer hair now! I've got to show you his new hairstyle!"

Nagato's body drove through the suburbs without him. He had an awful feeling like he understood Hidan's warning. His mind hung suspended, neither attending to the outside world nor thinking about anything. Not yet. He couldn't think yet.

"If I met him, I would want to give him a hug," Yahiko said. His voice sounded just like a middle-school girl's, only deeper. "He looks so huggable."

"You want to give everyone hugs."

"But he looks extra huggable."

"Right."

"I bet his voice would be amazing. I imagine it's smooth and gentle, like a boat floating down a stream. The writers do a really great job of making each character have an individual voice. I can almost hear them. That doesn't sound weird, does it? It's not like I literally hear them."

"No, no. I understand what you mean. Good writing can do that. We're almost here, so, I'd better go see the plushies."

"I'll leave you alone with yours so you can have your own thoughts and stuff," Yahiko promised.

Nagato parked, unbuckled his seat belt, got out of the car, entered the front door, and walked through the halls to his room. Hidan stood outside his door. Hidan closed his eyes and focused really hard. "...Mmh. Feel funny."

Nagato held up a hand. "Give it a minute," he whispered. He entered his room. There, sitting on his bedside table, leaning against the lamp, was a stuffed toy resembling a person with blue robes, white hair and purple eyes. Aside from the large purple dots that were its eyes, the plushie had no other facial features, giving it a very round appearance that did indeed look very cute. Nagato sat on his bed facing away from it. …He totally has a crush on that character.

It took a while for that to sink in. Eventually Nagato got around to thinking, He thinks that character is attractive. He is capable of finding men attractive. He went nuts over his hair. He was aware that these things were supposed to be meaningful. But they didn't feel meaningful. No, they couldn't mean anything. They couldn't.

Hidan poked his head in. "I'm not feeling anything. So I'm gonna stick around for the next few hours. Don't mind me. I'm just gonna sit over there." He closed the door behind him and sat on the floor near Nagato's closet.

Nagato played with the plushie. "He was right. These little guys are adorable."

"Yup."

Nagato patted it on the head. "So soft, too! I was on the fence about voting for or against them. If I'd known they were this cute and soft, I'd have voted for."

Hidan grinned. "Told ya."

"I forgot to ask him if he found a way to enchant them like he wanted."

"I don't think so. He has some questions about whether we can use their style of magic, but nothing solid yet."

Nagato hugged his plushie. "I'm glad he ordered these. He's so happy about them, too. I could hear his face lighting up."

"Did he tell ya what Deidara said earlier?"

"About meeting the character? Yeah."

"It's a good question. Where the fuck are these people?"

Nagato shrugged. "Well, they're canon. That means they're in their own universe. We're not canon. We're clones, remember? We might be able to meet their clones, but not the originals themselves."

"Oh. Shit. I totally forgot about that."

"It's okay. We're so used to blurring -" He loves his hair "- the line between ourselves and our originals, that it's hard to remember there's a real boundary there."

"And Konan's not a clone."

"Yeah, that too."

Hidan sat upright. "Hold a sec! If we figured out a way to enchant them quickly enough, do you think they could be part of the training battle this weekend?"

Nagato looked down at the plushie. "What role would they play? They're not under anyone's control. They'd be completely unpredictable. They might not even -" He wants to hug him "- do anything."

Hidan slumped. "You're right. We're probably not even going to bring them to life by this weekend, nevermind figure out what to do with them and how. Dei's the only one with any experience controlling golems, and he can only control ones he makes."

"That's definitely something to talk with Konan about." He loves just watching him.

Hidan huffed. "We shouldn't rely on her to figure out every fucking thing."

"Yeah, but she legitimately has the most knowledge and experience in this one case. She has a whole world of possibilities, whereas we've seen very little." Loves his smile.

"True. Maybe she can think of something someone else did, and we can jury rig a way to do that ourselves." Hidan grinned. "Nice thinking!"

"You're welcome." Loves every little thing about him.

Hidan yawned. "I think food'll be ready soon. Pork chops tonight."

"That's good. I'm hungry." Love…

"You okay?"

Nagato felt a little trembly inside. It was difficult to describe. It felt like the inside of his mind was Jello, and it was shaking back and forth, and he had to be careful for at any moment it might go sliding. Something shook it. It nearly went sliding. Very, very nearly. "I'm in a dangerous position."

"Want a hug?"

"No."

"Want me to bring you food so you don't have to go out?"

"Yes please."

Hidan left to see how dinner was going. The shaking subsided. I guess the talking was disturbing it. Turning thoughts into words is so hard. I'd better not speak. Hidan came back. "Not ready yet."

Nagato held up a hand. "The…force of having to talk is setting it off." He could feel mental vibrations coming off of each word, shaking his mind. He shook his head. No more.

Hidan picked up the plushie and lay down on the bed beside him. With much purring, he played with it in a variety of ways. Nagato imagined Yahiko's face as he played through those quests and felt another tremor. His stomach flopped. His appetite disappeared.

Hidan got a text some time later. "Dinner's ready! Wait here." He left the room again.

Whoever sent him that text, whoever knew and understood that he had to stay by Nagato's side and minimize disturbances, that person was not Yahiko. Yahiko poked his head in. "So what do you think?"

Nagato stared back at him, confused.

This confused Yahiko. He came in and sat on the bed. "Is everything okay?"

Nagato studied his face. "You're the most beautiful person I've ever seen."

Yahiko reddened. "I know," he muttered.

"It's in the shape of your face. It's in your hair. It's in the way you look at things, at people. Everything you do fascinates me. You're special to me, and even having you look at me feels like a treasure. I want you to look at me and smile more than anything. Smile because of me, even better."

Yahiko ducked his head. "Aw, thank you. I don't know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything. I…I love you."

Yahiko giggled nervously. "W-why are you going on about this?"

"Because I think you can finally understand how I feel."

"What?"

Nagato's fingers curled into fists. "You understand just what I'm talking about. Don't you?"

A harsh edge had crept into his voice. Danger lurked among his kind words. No. No, I don't want to hurt him. Nagato tried to reel it back in. But Yahiko had already heard it. "What are you saying?"

"You love his hair…" Nagato's voice trailed off into a squeak. He looked away. He doesn't love my hair. Tears filled his eyes.

"Oh, fuck." Hidan came back in with two plates of pork chops, buttered noodles and broccoli. He sighed. "Here." He placed one of them in Nagato's lap.

Yahiko finally pieced some things together. "What? I do, but…" He ticked down a mental list of everything Nagato had described. Face, hair, movements, looks, actions. Fascination. "Oh." His mind entered blizzard mode. *********. ***, ***** **. *********? ***...

Hidan ate his meat. He couldn't speak. Between the two of them, his mind was wrecked. He wasn't aware of eating at all.

Nagato sniffled. It was possible? He ate his noodles. Those were the only things that could get past the blockage in his throat.

A shutdown made it impossible to initiate planned courses of action. Yahiko could only act on reflex, and the shutdown reflex was to escape from whatever unpleasant thing had caused it. He had already done that by retreating inwards and not speaking, so there was nothing left to do. He sat and wondered what to do. ****. ***, ****** ** ****, ** ********. *******. *****!

Eventually, Yahiko recovered enough focus to go and get food for himself. Nagato started to cry. He cleared his plate of everything but the pork bone, then curled up into a ball. Hidan touched him to receive a jolt of energy, enough to focus his mind, thought it also put him on the verge of tears. He took their plates back to the kitchen. The three of them remained separate for the rest of that night.

Kisame

Kisame heard enough juicy details to know that Tammy was going to go bananas over this. He called her after dinner. "You are not going to believe what's going on now." He filled her in on the basic situation as he had heard it from Itachi.

"Oh. My. God. No way. I need to know everything."

"That's as much as I know right now. Important things tend to happen over dinner in this group. I'll find out what happened and call you back in the morning."

Kisame kept his word. Since his original had not been a spy, he had to work to figure out how to get this information. "Who do you think I should ask, Same? Nagato's also buddies with Itachi, which would make him a good choice, except that he's probably upset and I wouldn't want to bother him. I could ask Hidan, but I'm not all that close to him. I could ask Yahiko… I don't know how useful he would be, though."

Samehada made thinking sounds. He thumped his tail on the ground once and shook his head, pointed it at Kisame and shook his head, then made his trademark soothing rumbling sounds. "You should hang out with Nagato instead of me and comfort him. First priority is comforting people. Got it." Samehada thumped his tail on the ground twice and made a neutral chirp. Then he thumped his tail on the ground three times and nodded. "I should talk to Yahiko, but Hidan would be okay as a backup option. Thanks, Same. Alright, let's move out."

Kisame showed him which door was Nagato's and opened and closed it for him. Then he went into Yahiko's room, which was just a few feet away. So awkward. He found Yahiko lying in bed, hugging a plushie and staring at the ceiling. "Hey. I, uh, heard some things. Do you need help…thinking about them, or something…?"

"Why does my existence hurt people?"

"Okay, fuck that shit." Kisame sat down on the bed next to him. "You want to know something? Everybody's existence hurts a bit. Just having people walking around in the same room as I am annoys me most of the time. That's totally normal. You want to know something else? It's not a bad thing. Who ever said hurting was bad? Have you seen all the shit I've been put through in this group? I hate to admit it, but I think it's making me better. Don't tell anybody I said that."

Yahiko looked at him. "Will it make Nagato better?" Little sparks of hope were returning to his voice.

"Probably," Kisame said. "Itachi told me that, in his expert opinion, which I fully trust, Nagato was in denial. On some level, he was still holding onto hope that you two would be the perfect couple if only there wasn't that pesky sexual orientation in the way. Letting go of that and accepting that you're just not going to be a couple, ever, not even with all obstacles removed, might be good for him."

"Why? There's nothing wrong with hope."

"Except when it makes you feel bad. If his hope is dependent on you being some certain way, and you aren't, like you aren't being that way right now, then it hurts you and makes you feel bad. There's something wrong with that. If he accepts that for some reason he's just not your type, then you get to do whatever you want with whoever and not worry."

Yahiko sighed. "I keep forgetting to count my own feelings among the ones that need to be considered."

"Damn good thing I'm here, then."

"...Tell me more about how annoying people are. I like you. If I like you, and you're a little antisocial, then maybe I can forgive my own not-entirely-social tendencies."

Kisame smiled. "Sure thing. Let's see… First of all, there's a difference between people moving and people standing. I don't mind people standing looking at an exhibit or something. They blend into the background. I don't even notice. But people walking around behind me, like, who knows what the fuck they might do? Step in the puddle I'm mopping up, bump into me, knock something over. I have to pay attention to them. I can't relax. That's annoying."

"People are annoying because they might be clumsy?"

"Yeah."

"What if Konan was walking around behind you?"

"She'd be alright. I trust her not to bump into me accidentally."

Yahiko smiled. "You like things to be safe and orderly and predictable. People who aren't predictable freak you out a little. It's not because you're antisocial; it's just because you're so protective. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have called you antisocial." He sat up, put the plushie aside, and hugged Kisame.

"I am known to be paranoid. This is a thing we know," Kisame protested.

"But it's not because you hate people. I mean, that's how 'antisocial' is usually used. To mean you hate people."

"When people keep irritating me, I do start to hate them a little."

"That's different."

"I don't think so. People typically act for reasons. You're not a misanthrope unless on some level other people bother you."

Yahiko held out the plushie. "Is that why you voted against having these little guys running around? Because they wouldn't be under anyone's control and that makes them unpredictable?"

Kisame took the doll and examined it. Ugh. It could slip right under my feet before I saw it. "Unless your research tells you of a way to put them under control."

"I'm so sorry! The night of the vote, we treated you like you were just a grump who didn't want fun things. I didn't understand. I'm so sorry. Um… I haven't found anything yet, but I was going to ask Konan if she knew something?"

They went to see Konan. She told them, "Nagato's black rods, when inserted into living beings, put them under the wielder's control. Thanks to Sasori, we know anyone can use these rods, if they so wish."

"Would that rob them of the ability to run around on their own?" Yahiko asked.

Konan tilted her head. "I don't think so. I'm not sure what our summons did when they weren't summoned. We can test it on one plushie first."

"Kisame, would you like to have control over them?" Yahiko asked.

"Me?" He thought about it. "That might be nice. That might be really nice." He grinned as he imagined four or five plushies lined up in front of him at attention like he was their drill sergeant. "Yeah."

"A diplomatic concession?" Konan asked Yahiko.

"Friendly consideration of his wellbeing," Yahiko replied. "Other people annoy Kisame because they're unpredictable and that makes him nervous. I don't want my friend to be nervous."

"Unpredictability… That makes a lot of sense in retrospect."

"If someone else wants to have one or two plushies to themselves, I wouldn't mind," Kisame conceded graciously. "I trust the people around here, mostly. I just don't trust these things running around all by themselves. Who the fuck knows what they want?"

"Great!" Yahiko said. "Now I just need to figure out how to use golem magic."

"If you need someone to help you think, I will aid you," Konan said gently.

Yahiko's smile dropped. "Oh." He looked at Kisame. "I didn't do anything wrong, did I?"

"No," Kisame told him. "Just give it a little time, and everything'll be fine again. Speaking of which, I promised my work friend that I would update her in the morning. We've spent way too much time talking about plushies. You have to tell me everything immediately."

.

Kisame elected not to tell her over the phone, as he was running short of time. He texted this decision to Tammy. He visited the stingray pool over lunch, but found that a bunch of schoolchildren were visiting. He wondered if she would visit him over her break, if she got one. It seemed that she never did. Their talk was delayed until after work.

He returned to the base using the seal (walking in was more fun for both him and Samehada anyway), sent Samehada off, and promptly ensconced himself in his room. He texted her a picture of Yahiko's favorite character that Yahiko had shared with him, waited until his text said "Seen," then called. "Hey, sorry about this morning."

"It's okay," she replied, sounding tired. "I've had a long day. Sitting and listening sounds good right now."

"Did you see the picture I sent? That's the character he's obsessed with."

"I understand completely. He looks good! I'd blush if I met him."

"Good to know you understand, though I don't. Anyway, here's what happened last night." He told her what Yahiko had told him.

As accompaniment to his narrative, she murmured, "Oh, honey, no. That's not… Ooh. Ow. Seriously? Oh. Oh my god." After the story was done, she said, "I feel bad for your friend, but he urgently needs a clue transplant. I barely know these people and I saw that coming a mile away. His admirer…had to tell him…what was going on. That must have been torture. I can't even imagine. Oh my god."

"I haven't talked to Nagato since I found out about all this," Kisame said, glancing toward his door. "Same and I agreed that Same should hang out with him and be comforting. But it has been a full day. Do you think I should talk to him now?"

"Yes, absolutely! Give him support. Show him he's not alone."

"Yeah. Good idea. I'll call you back if anything interesting happens. You feeling better?"

"Yeah. This was nice. My legs are still a bit sore, but I think I can make dinner. Thanks, Kis."

Kisame hung up and shook his head. The nickname was a recent development. He didn't know how he felt about it yet. It sounds too much like Keys. I hope she doesn't call me that in public, or people are going to think there's a weird story behind it. He left his room.

And he found someone standing right outside. Or rather, something.

The doll looked up at him. He looked down at it. Neither of them moved. Then the doll turned away and ran down the hall to…investigate the wall?

Kisame crept down the halls on full alert, scanning the floor. "Hey, Kisame! Just in time for the meeting." Hidan slung an arm around his shoulders and guided him to the sunroom.

The rest of the group was already assembled in their usual circle. Three more plushies were in the room: two living and one not. Yahiko was performing an experiment to see how the living ones reacted to their nonliving counterparts. One of the living plushies was sitting in the chair in the corner, seemingly enjoying it. The other kept knocking over the nonliving plushie. Yahiko would sit it up, the living plushie would swing an arm out and knock it over, Yahiko would sit it up again, and repeat. Since they didn't have faces, it was unclear whether the living plushie disliked its counterpart or was simply playing with it.

"What'd I miss?" Kisame asked, his face pale.

"You're gonna want to sit down," Sasori replied.

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A/N: Now I have to figure out what happened. Fun!

The shutdowns Yahiko experiences in this story are real, just in case I didn't make that clear before. Those are real experiences that I have. It feels like my thoughts give up their forms and become vague, and my mind becomes a swirling blizzard. The way to pronounce his thoughts is to push out air through your tongue and the roof of your mouth, imitating the swirling winds of a blizzard.

Kisame's revelation is one I had just a few days ago. I realized that all of the many factors that make me like a person - being calm, quiet, studious, older than me - can be summarized as being orderly. Conversely, all of the many things that turn me off can be summarized as being disorderly. Many of my not-entirely-helpful interpersonal tendencies are attempts to impose order. I don't know why I'm surprised by this or why it took me so long to realize. Hopefully this will allow Kisame to get a cloak soon.

Yay!

Rar.