A/N: Again, I successfully managed to have half the chapter written by Saturday and the whole chapter finished before Sunday! Yahoo!

I even have plans for the next chapter. Oh, it's been a while since I could say that. Haha! AHAHAHAHA!

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Kakuzu

Kakuzu checked on everyone after personally watching Konan go into her room. He couldn't find Sasori anywhere. He went out to the battlefield and found Sasori digging up pebbles. "Tell no one," the engineer said, tucking a small pile of stones underneath a tall leafy weed.

"Smart. Odds are they'll get scattered today, though."

"All according to plan."

Kakuzu burst out laughing, startling even himself. "No, I was wrong. They won't get scattered; at least, not for long. Not with our collector on the loose."

Sasori looked at what he'd done. "Oh no. Solis is cooperative, right?" Sasori ran back to the base to get a plushie to practice with. Kakuzu guessed that they would practice out here, on the actual field, in order to get a good idea of how the plushie would react to the environment. He won't make that mistake again. Good for him.

Kisame had mastered making the plushies use magic, and was now trying to control two of them at once by having Warlic and Manta spar. The results so far resembled a turn-based RPG. Sasori's accounted for. Nagato doesn't need to make preparations. Kisame's accounted for, and Hidan doesn't need to make any preparations. Tomorrow's roster is in good shape. As for today's: I don't need to make preparations. Konan is taking her nap. That leaves Yahiko and Itachi.

Yahiko was eating a tuna and tomato sandwich for an early lunch. "Hey, Kakuzu! I'm, um, planning. Itachi's out in the woods with Little One."

"What are your plans so far?"

"Um…" Yahiko looked around to make sure nobody was listening. Then he whispered, "I'm going to grab Warlic and tape him to my belly. That way, Manta will protect me if Itachi attacks. He would have to use twice as many illusions to protect himself. And having Warlic physically attached to me might make it easier to give him mental commands, plus it saves me the time and concentration of having to scoop him up."

"Nice. Strictly confidential, of course." Kakuzu then went out into the woods and found Itachi.

"Ah, Kakuzu, excellent. I need a test subject. Please, sit down." Itachi and Little One were next to the stream. Little One looked around, distracted by the complex environment. Itachi did nothing to change this. He used his chakra to pick up a ball of water, waved it in front of Little One's face, then poured it over Kakuzu's head. Little One turned to follow the water. He studied Kakuzu's face. But aside from that, he did nothing.

"Darn," Itachi said.

Kakuzu wiped his face. "You thought making me wet would get him to do something?"

"Plain water is probably not shiny enough. If I doused you in glitter, that might work."

"Not shiny enough?"

"Little One is interested in shiny objects and things that are uneven but can be made even," Itachi said. "Turning you into such an object would make him into a persistent distraction. It's alright - I already have another plan that I know will work. This changes little. I was just curious."

Kakuzu raised his eyebrows. "What makes you so sure it's foolproof?"

"It involves hair gel."

Kakuzu laughed. "Nice." Yahiko will never muster the focus to tell Warlic anything with a doll climbing on his head. And applying hair gel doesn't involve hurting Warlic at all, so his shield won't work. Itachi is a strategic genius. Or he would be, if Konan and I weren't going to scatter pebbles everywhere. Oh, this is going to be a clusterfuck.

"I assume by your maniacal giggling that there are many other factors I don't know about," Itachi said.

"We're all fucked here," Kakuzu said, still giggling. He was paraphrasing the only line he knew from Alice in Wonderland.

Itachi smiled. "The demon boy has kindly offered his assistance in making my illusions visible to an audience. I no longer fear that I will be boring. This battle should go smoothly, I believe."

"You're either brave or stupid to say such a thing. We'll find out."

Kakuzu exchanged last minute messages with allies, made plans for his own battle, enjoyed a glass of milk with Hidan. "It's going to be a clusterfuck," he said through a grin. "And Itachi's illusions will be visible."

"Oh shit," Hidan said, also grinning. "Get other people on it, Kakuzu, because there's no way I'm gonna be paying attention to the crowd with that happening."

"Your powers are collective. With enough people in your range, you can sense the dynamics of the crowd as a whole. I'm not worried about where your eyes are."

"What about your fight? Is it just gonna be her kicking your ass up and down the field like a giant soccer ball?"

"Hopefully not. If I can snatch her out of the air, I will. If she makes the mistake of landing, I'll be ready. As fearsome as her claws are, I don't think she'll be able to take me without her full maneuverability."

"You're an idiot for saying that," Hidan said. "But we'll fucking find out, won't we?"

General

As soon as the sun passed behind the first tree, the vampires showed up. The Akatsuki were already out, everyone who had a cloak wearing it and Kisame borrowing solid black clothing from Kakuzu. Yahiko and Itachi not-so-covertly adjusted their cloaks to be extra loose, hiding anything they may have been carrying in their pockets. The intact parts of the street served as a racetrack for Warlic, Solis and Manta on their skateboard, which made crossing it a risky endeavour. Soye made the leap to address the Akatsuki. "I see chaos," she told Kakuzu. "It does not satisfy me."

"Nobody has tried to impose order on it yet," he replied.

Several cars drove up and parked in the hotel's disused parking lot. Sakumo and his cohort got out of them. They scrambled out of the way of two more cars: Jiraiya's and a nondescript sedan. "Let's get the party started!" Jiraiya called. By some miracle, he had convinced Shikaku to come with him. Shikaku looked like he'd rather die.

"Shikaku, vampires. Vampires, Shikaku," Kakuzu said. "Shikaku's original was the chief strategist of a major village. You might like him. Everyone into position!"

"Keep offscreen!" the demon boy called. "I'm setting up a livestream here!" He didn't have any camera equipment with him, but since when had that ever mattered? Nobody questioned it. They perched on rooftops and power poles. The Akatsuki took up two rooftops, Jiraiya and his friends one, Sakumo's cohort three, and the vampires another two plus many miscellaneous locations. The plushies seemed to realize that something was going on. They stopped their ride and looked around. As Kakuzu and Konan took their places in yards on opposite sides of the street, Kakuzu monitored the dolls. Where is Little One? He spotted Little One underneath the leafy weed, playing with the pile of pebbles. Is that all according to plan?

He hardened the skin all over his body. The battle began.

Konan immediately darted forward, her feet only skimming the ground. She sprouted paper wings and swooped up into the air. Kakuzu had a split second to make a decision: play her game, or his own? He decided to play hers, for now. He ran aside, dodging her attack. Konan pulled her paper weapons from the ground, not at all surprised. With a wave of her hand, she spread them out all over the field. Oh shit. Kakuzu leaped over several of them, dodged a bunch more and let the rest bounce off his hardened skin as he ran to the patch of road where the snake boy had sprouted the miniature forest. The plants were all languished, but Kakuzu didn't need them. He needed the open dirt. There he took a stand, raising an earthen shield for himself and preparing Stonemaker Jutsu.

Konan did not take the bait. She attacked from the air, raining paper projectiles down around Kakuzu as she crafted in midair a giant paper axe. Kakuzu's eyes widened, but he was reluctant to go out in the barrage. She threw the axe. It cleaved his puny shield in two. Kakuzu had not realized she could craft weapons with the brute power to crush him even with his hardened skin. He was forced on the run again. Dammit, I'm being boring! My only chance is the plushies.

The 3 plushies on the skateboard sat safely under a forcefield, watching. Kakuzu ran many mental calculations while running, with a battle-hungry Konan chasing after him. Without his decades of experience in similarly precarious situations, he could not have done it. He released Stonemaker Jutsu, using the skills he had honed in the Hatake sunning area to raise a ramp. Warlic immediately set fire to seemingly half the road. The skateboard shot forward. Konan abandoned her chase instantly, turning to face the new threat. Propelled by fire, surrounded with a force field and flying on the back of a tornado, the board of plushies flew right toward her.

Konan ducked down underneath it, severing the tornado. She turned over to face upward and laughed. The temptation was too much for Warlic. He leaped off the board to follow her. Small creatures made of fire exploded into being around him. Konan led them straight toward Kakuzu. He raised an earth spike, but she swooped aside at the last minute. He fled out the other side. Warlic crashed into the spike. The fire creatures broke up. Warlic slid to the ground, a helpless, broken doll. The demon tried not to scream or do anything else to attract attention as he zoomed in on the small, black, all but invisible metal spike laying in the road.

Kakuzu realized he had successfully tricked Konan into setting up her own downfall. She knew it, too. She didn't chase after him, instead turning to face the crashed skateboard. Manta was smacking Solis on the head. Konan took advantage of this brief reprieve to attack Kakuzu once more. She surrounded him with a barrier of paper weapons as she swooped towards him. Her movement seemed direct and straightforward, but Kakuzu guessed she was going to swerve in some other direction at the last moment again, so he raised earthen shields in all directions.

Which meant the one directly in front of him wasn't strong enough to withstand her straightforward attack.

Kakuzu felt her claws and wings grip him as they tumbled backward. SHIT! He hit her with every possible appendage, but she did not let go. As he struck the ground and felt his bones jar - what bones? - he realized no, not every possible appendage. There was no time to hesitate. He let every stitch unwind beneath her grasp. His limbs lengthened and wound around hers. Tentacles reached out from his mouth and grabbed her neck. He hadn't even known he had mouth tentacles. He had her neck firmly in his grasp. He could snap it easily.

He saw Konan's eyes grow wide and distant. "No," she whispered, but not to him. Every paper weapon immediately converged on them. Kakuzu's iron skin technique did not cover his tentacles. He cried out and let go. Despite the weapons sticking out of his body, he withdrew his tentacles as best he could and scrambled away.

Despite the weapons sticking out of her body, Konan stood up. Her eyes were still wide and distant. "No." She lunged forward, claws outstretched.

She got run over by a skateboard in a forcefield.

Manta and Solis were thrown off the board. The forcefield dissipated, as did the tornado powering it. Both plushies hit the ground and rolled along, limp as ragdolls. The demon boy eagerly zoomed in for a brief shot of the spike in the back of Solis' head, which stuck out far enough to click against the pavement.

Konan fell onto her back, embedding paper shuriken deeper into her body. She groaned. The pain broke through the flashback, reminding her of where she was. She sat up, bleeding from just about everywhere, and looked for Kakuzu. He plucked the last of the weapons from his tentacles and fully retracted them, but was still in great internal pain. He couldn't move. She could. She forced herself over to him and grabbed his chin, digging her claws into the underside of it where his trachea was. That was the sign. Iron skin or not, the battle was over. She had won.

It took several seconds for this fact to sink in. All at once, there was a great collective sigh. Itachi remembered his job and scanned the crowd. The vampires were on the edge of their seats, looking too happy for his comfort. Every other group was wide-eyed and pale, occasionally green. Yahiko leaped down from his rooftop to administer first aid. He stopped Konan's bleeding and relieved enough pain for Kakuzu to move again, but both combatants were still greatly injured. Kisame helped him move them off the field. Kakuzu managed to chuckle. "No way that was boring. One down, three to go."

Meanwhile, Little One emerged from hiding to check on the other plushies. Warlic sat up, rubbing his head. Solis and Manta stood. Manta ran over to Warlic and helped him stand. Solis sat on the skateboard in a way that suggested he was never getting off it again.

Once Kakuzu and Konan had found seats and the plushies were back on their feet, Itachi and Yahiko looked at each other and gulped. "Let's get this over with," Yahiko muttered. He looked sullen and miserable as he took his place across the street from Itachi, like a beautiful creature forced out of its natural habitat. Itachi pitied him. All of their plans now looked like fantasies. How can I possibly fight him?

The fight began.

Or at least it was supposed to. Neither of them actually wanted to do anything. Itachi saw Yahiko's eyes flick up towards the vampires. Yahiko released a weapon from his seal and charged forward. Itachi felt so bad he almost wanted to let Yahiko land a blow just so the fight could be over.

No! I must not be boring. This is to demonstrate our abilities. Itachi demonstrated what he had learned of hand to hand fighting. He circled around, grabbed Yahiko's hand and made him drop the weapon. Yahiko punched with his free hand. Itachi ducked and leaped away. They engaged in a bit of juvenile sparring. Itachi was not proud of himself when he revealed his master plan. Instead of being an accomplishment of strategic thinking, it seemed to be the only vaguely competent thing he had done all battle.

"Aahh! What is that?" Yahiko touched the left side of his head, where his hair had been plastered to his scalp. The hair on the right side of his head stuck out like it usually did. It irritated Itachi's eyes. His hopes rose. Little One cannot ignore this!

The plushie in question ran out from the bushes where he had taken shelter. He soared into the air, landed on Yahiko's head and furiously wiped at the hairgel. Yahiko yelped again. With Little One clinging to his head, he ran in Warlic's direction. Itachi smiled. He ran alongside Yahiko, inserted himself into Yahiko's field of view, and cast an illusion. A gigantic leonine demon leaped out of the pavement and lunged straight for Yahiko.

Yahiko stopped in his tracks. He screamed into the air. Itachi jumped, as did the other plushies. Did I make him angry? I did not know such a thing was possible. Apparently, when his head was being messed with, Yahiko could get mad. The other plushies started to jump. Warlic charged at Itachi. As soon as he did so, the others followed. Solis ran with the skateboard held in his raised hands like he intended to hit Itachi with it?

Itachi's fears were vanquished. They may have had a slow start, but he and Yahiko were definitely not boring. Itachi cast an illusion of himself running in some other direction to try to mislead the plushies. The plushies chased after the illusion. Itachi waited until they were safely past before returning his attention to Yahiko. Yahiko was clawing at his head trying to rip Little One off of him. Little One seemed to be holding on not because he was interested in Yahiko's hair, but because he was terrified. He made tiny magic bubbles to fend off the vicious hands attacking him. Yahiko eventually succeeded in grabbing Little One firmly by the head and throwing him away.

Itachi ran to Little One's side and helped the plushie sit up. "Yahiko! What have you done?" An angry Yahiko was an effective Yahiko. I hate to do this to my friend, but surely he will forgive me? He knows it's all for the battle. Doesn't he?

Still rubbing the hair gel out, Yahiko saw them. His angry face turned horrified. Little One put his plushy hands over his eyes, making Yahiko moan. "I'm so sorry!" Little One got up and ran away. Yahiko was left in tears.

Itachi's intestines turned to rock. He staggered under the weight of guilt. Has he learned to weaponize Angel Jutsu by giving it negative emotions? Whether or not Yahiko knew he was broadcasting his emotions in an aura, that was what he was doing. Itachi was sickened by his own actions. How could he deliberately step on the insecurities of a friend who trusted him, just to win a temporary advantage? He knew he must continue to fight regardless, but struggled to push his feelings aside.

The plushies did not suffer from this. At least, Warlic didn't. He flailed his arms, looking and acting increasingly agitated. Finally, he raised them. Glowing red-orange runes appeared in the air. Tiny fire elementals appeared. They swarmed everywhere without direction. Warlic created more, and more, and more as his tantrum wore on.

"Yahiko!" Itachi called.

Yahiko turned, saw what was going on, and stopped the aura. He jumped back, closer to Itachi. "Warlic!"

Warlic ripped the skateboard out of Solis' grip and ran towards them. No doubt if he'd had a mouth, he would have been issuing a battle cry. Warlic doesn't like having his mind messed with either! Itachi pushed Yahiko down, yelled "He's the guilty one!" and ran away. I am a horrible person!

Yahiko couldn't attack the cute little doll rushing towards him. He half-sat, frozen in shock, as Warlic rushed towards him. But before Warlic could beat him over the head with an indestructible skateboard, and before Itachi could do anything about the fire elementals swarming over the grass, and before anyone could do anything, Solis had a tantrum of his own. Hurricane-force winds knocked everyone who had been standing to the ground. The tiny elementals were snuffed out. Itachi fancied he could almost hear Solis crying STOP!

And indeed, the battle did stop. Warlic shook his head. Yahiko blinked. Itachi thought furiously. He waved a hand. Yahiko looked his way automatically. Itachi pointed to Warlic, who now looked and sounded like he was crying. Yahiko's face twisted. "I can't do this. I give up!" he yelled.

No Akatsuki member was surprised. "Jesus, Itachi," Nagato whispered. "That's just brutal."

"Am I glad I'm generally on the same side as him," Sasori murmured.

Itachi and Yahiko were escorted off the field with grievous mental wounds. Hidan applied his best healing skills, telling them, "Nice fight, guys. That was a really interesting fight. Shit, I'm way more impressed than I thought I would be." Yahiko managed a smile. Itachi just wanted to forget. Meanwhile, the vampires were divided between impressed and disappointed. Soye was impressed. Sakumo's group and Jiraiya's looked just as sickened as they had after Kakuzu and Konan's battle. Manta sat at Warlic's side. Solis snatched the skateboard away. Little One, unseen by anyone except the demon boy, huddled beneath a bush and collected pebbles.

By now, the natural light had faded enough that clear vision was difficult. The evening came to its planned end. There was not the atmosphere of celebration that one might expect after an evening of entertainment. Only the vampires looked happy. They talked among themselves as they left. The Hatakes and Jiraiya's friends drifted back to their cars and drove away like ghosts. The Akatsuki escorted their wounded home. Kisame remembered that the plushies were his charges and turned back. "Come on, guys." He did not use the control rod. For once, the plushies obeyed. Most of them. Little One did not. Kisame turned away too quickly to notice. The demon boy placed a night-vision filter on his eyes so his audience could clearly watch Little One sorting the pebbles into different kinds. Just one grassy yard away, behind an earthen spike, lay a sharp, black, metallic rod. In the middle of the road, its distinctive click hidden by the sound of a rolling skateboard, another finally came loose. The demon boy, who had a vague sense of future events even when he did not look, knew that the collector would not be remembered and brought home until the morning. Now that everyone else was gone, he dared to giggle.

Dinner that night was quiet. Not much was said. Everything had already been said. They were ninjas; battle was their natural language.

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A/N: Heeheehee.