A/N: I have done something previously considered unthinkable. I have deleted one of my fanfics. It was the self-insert fic that I wrote in ten days, no second draft, no editing, no pre-writing period of turning it over in my head thinking out how the story would go. As a result, it contained numerous story logic errors, didn't do justice to any character including my own, lacked character arcs, and basically was very simplified and childish. I've been rewriting it and the rewrite is SO, SO much better than the original. I don't usually delete or write over past mistakes because I want other people to know that I make mistakes too, but in this case, I could not in good conscience deny readers the good version and leave them stuck with the inferior version. The good version is just too good. I am loving it. I believe I will start posting soon. I will not post a chapter a day like I did the first version, in order to give myself time to edit this one, but it should go out pretty quickly. I'm almost done.

Speaking of stories that are going pretty quickly...

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Kisame

Kisame was very busy around 3 that afternoon when he got a call. He cursed, but answered the call because it was from a group member. "Hey, Itachi. Busy repairing a faulty sign during peak rush hour. If there's another demon after us, I should be safe."

"Oh. Um…" Itachi seemed at a loss for words. "I…take it you would not be able to interrupt your work? I can call back later."

Kisame took one hand away from what he was doing to hold his phone properly. "Just spit it out, Itachi. I don't have all day. Sorry. Just feeling rushed."

"W - well I wouldn't want to add pressure to you then… I'll call back in half an hour." Itachi ended the call.

Kisame continued what he was doing. The sign turned out to have wiring in bad need of repair. Kisame fixed the problem with duct tape, found somebody and told them to get an electrician in quickly. Thankfully there was little risk of fire if the thing should blow up behind him. They told me to get it working again, and I did. If it turns out that it would have been better to leave it off, that's not my fault, it's their fault for giving me my orders. He was surprised when his phone rang. He'd forgotten all about Itachi's call. "Hey, Itachi. I got it fixed. I'm available now. I don't remember if you mentioned what you were trying to call about…" He trailed off as he recalled little bits of what Itachi had managed to say. The words weren't important. What was important was how terrified Itachi sounded when he said them.

"I did not," Itachi said. He still sounded frightened. Kisame looked around and moved himself to a quieter, more private location. "I don't believe there is any emergency," Itachi began. He doesn't sound like he believes the words he's saying. What the hell?

"Itachi, cut right to the point. You're freaking me out."

"Samehada was poisoned. He's been taken to the vet. Kakuzu is with him."

Kisame nearly dropped his phone. "What?"

"There was a very old thing of antifreeze in the garage, and he bit it to get it open. A - according to research I've done on the symptoms of poisoning, the worst ones should appear after a few hours. Samehada's not able to reach full awareness, but he, I mean they, haven't lapsed into a coma, so they should be fine. Hopefully."

"What the fucking fuck? Antifreeze? Who the hell left that in a random fucking garage in an abandoned building?" Kisame had to try very, very hard to keep himself from shouting. I've gotta get out of here.

"I… I do have some thoughts, but… Now is really not the time for them."

"Tell me your fucking thoughts right the fuck now, Itachi, or I swear I will teleport through the phone line to strangle you."

"I… I really don't think it's appropriate…"

Kisame held up a hand to Tammy. "Hold on. I'm making my way out." He lowered the phone. "Same's been poisoned. I have to get out of here before I blister some poor kid's ears. Tell somebody for me, will you?"

Tammy's smile immediately dropped. "Oh my god. Text me updates. Um, telling somebody you're leaving. Yes. I will do that right now." She raced to the phone line tucked discretely behind her stand. Kisame raced out the door.

"Okay, I'm back, and now in the parking lot," he said. "Getting into my car, because walking in wasn't as fun without Same… Okay, now I am in my car. Windows are up. What the hell is going on?"

"Plot device," Itachi said immediately. "It was 100% left there as a plot device."

"Same was intended to be poisoned at some point in this fucking story? Why? What did he do to deserve that?"

"I'm not sure Samehada was the originally intended target. The only possible purpose of placing old antifreeze in your setting is for somebody to end up drinking it, but there's no evidence to allow me to get any more specific than that."

"Why the fucking fuck would you plan to poison somebody?"

"Because you also plan for them to recover," Itachi replied. "There is no evidence of ill will towards any character except Sasori's former boss. Samehada will be fine. By the rules of story logic, he has to be."

"I do not give a shit," Kisame replied. "Meet me at the vet's office." He dropped the call before Itachi could respond and turned on his engine.

He walked in the door and looked around. Kakuzu stood up. There were two other people in the waiting room besides them, so Kakuzu came closer and lowered his voice. "I'm sorry," he said. "That it happened, I mean. Under my watch."

Kisame shook his head. "I'm not gonna blame you. Itachi tells me that old antifreeze, in a garage, in an abandoned building that has absolutely no reason for it to be there, is 100% a plot device. Somebody was meant to get poisoned. It ended up being Same. It wasn't your fault."

"Thank you." Kakuzu looked shaken. He turned away with a huff. "Dammit."

Itachi met them soon after. Yahiko came with him. "I'm so sorry," Yahiko blurted in a whisper. "The plushies found the bottle and got curious about it. Kakuzu checked on them last because he'd been told not to bother the plushies. If they hadn't…"

Itachi put a hand on his shoulder. "The plushies are not to blame either. Some sort of curious character, a bit mischievous and unaware of the possible consequences, was required in order for the antifreeze to be used. The plushies are an appropriate choice, but I can think of others. It's not their fault, and not yours for pushing to have them brought to life."

"I know, I know, you've said," Yahiko replied. "I'm just so shocked. Why Samehada?"

"You've said maybe it wasn't meant to be Same at first," Kisame told Itachi. "Well, our author changed their mind at some point. Why? Why did it end up being Same?"

Itachi shook his head. "I don't know. The only sort of character that possibly could end up drinking antifreeze is someone unaware of what it was. That rules out every human character, I would think. Maybe Same was the only option?"

"So it was meant to be Same. Because he's the only nonhuman character who can be poisoned in this damn story."

Itachi shrugged.

"Why poison, Itachi?" Kakuzu demanded. "Think. What would that result in?"

"I can't think on demand with so much stress around," Itachi protested. "I'm sorry. I need time to process."

"Same needs to get better," Kisame declared. "Or we all know what's gonna happen." They did indeed know that. Yahiko glanced around and urged the others to sit down. The four of them took seats and waited. Kisame felt the eyes of the other two people in the waiting room on his skin. "Yahiko," he whispered. "Get those people's eyes off of me." Yahiko got up and walked over to each of the two women, explaining quietly that a beloved pet shark had been accidentally poisoned. The two women sounded and looked sympathetic. Kisame relaxed. At least one thing's going well. I'm getting better at handling judgy eyes.

"I'm gonna handle the group chat," Yahiko whispered. "Now that you know what happened, Kisame, it's okay to mention it there." Kisame nodded. Yahiko typed on his phone. Kakuzu took his phone out when it beeped and muttered something about silencing it. Kisame and Itachi did likewise.

"I wonder if it was meant for Hidan," Itachi whispered. "He is immortal and willing to do strange and dangerous things."

"What would that accomplish besides freaking out everybody?"

"Maybe the freakout is the purpose?"

"How long has he been in there?" Kisame asked Kakuzu.

"I was told that they should have some news for us in the next few minutes."

Way too long later, an assistant came out. Kisame stood up to meet him. "How is he?"

"Uh…" The assistant had come out looking perfectly composed. At Kisame's words, a look of confusion crossed his face. It was soon gone. "The shark's condition is stable. Neurological symptoms seem to have plateaued at confusion and dizziness. It's been long enough that it's probably not going to get any worse than that. Basically, he's in the condition you'd expect from getting blackout drunk. That is not healthy in an animal, and it could take him significantly longer to recover from than a human, but it should clear his system eventually. He might not have any long term effects, and if this doesn't happen ever again he'll probably be okay."

"Oh thank god," Yahiko sighed.

"A concern with cases of antifreeze poisoning is kidney damage, so we're going to give him lots of water to flush them out," the assistant said. "I'm going to need someone around for paperwork purposes after that. You seem to know the shark best."

Kisame nodded. I'm not leaving this building until Same does. "What sorts of paperwork?"

"Your friend already arranged payment," the assistant said, indicating Kakuzu. "I'm just looking to make sure our patient record is accurate."

"What do you mean?"

Kakuzu snorted. "Of all times…" he muttered. "But I suppose it's unavoidable in a medical context."

Kisame's paranoia closed over him like a second skin. "Of all times for what?"

"I'll tell him," Kakuzu told the assistant. "Get back to flushing the shark." He glanced at Yahiko and Itachi, who stayed put, then led Kisame outside. "If they're concerned about Samehada's internal plumbing, then they're going to look, and that means you'll finally have an answer as to what sex the shark is. Have you considered that Samehada might be female?"

An icy chill ran down Kisame's back. "Sometimes," he murmured. Not enough. Not seriously. Not really…caring.

"This town is oddball enough to give an animal patient the same consideration as a human patient, so he probably wants you to tell him what Same's gender identity is." Kakuzu's eyes glittered. "If I were you, I'd start making up a cover story."

"I think I know why Samehada was poisoned," Kisame mumbled. To force me to pay attention. Oh my god. I'm such a bad friend that I needed a medical emergency to make me pay attention. This isn't Kakuzu's or the plushies' fault. It's mine.

"Nobody's going to care. As soon as they know what words to use, they'll switch if they have to and go back to worrying about their own business."

"Thanks," Kisame whispered. I know he's trying to be nice. But this isn't about outside judgment. This is about my own judgment, of myself, about whether I've met my own goals. And I have not. The paranoia left and was replaced by shame. I screwed up. And it was all because of my own insecurities.

He didn't meet Itachi's or Yahiko's eyes as he followed Kakuzu back inside. The assistant was gone. Kisame sat down in his chair and resigned himself to a long, painful wait.

Deidara

Deidara was in the middle of shopping when he received the news. A notification from the group chat appeared in the middle of his conversation with Konan about what they needed. Yahiko: Hey guys. Bad news. Same got into some old… Deidara blinked. The broken sentence left him itching to know more. He finished his text to Konan first, then opened the group chat to read Yahiko's entire message. "Fuck," he whispered. "Is every damn thing going wrong today? I'm sick of this, yeah." He hadn't had a good time at work, either. He waited for Konan to reply to his text, then resumed pushing his cart grimly through the store.

It took him longer than it should have to become aware of what he was hearing. He paused, peanut butter in one hand, and tilted his head. Kakuzu? No, Yahiko's message said he was at the vet. But it sounded so similar. He put the peanut butter in the cart and listened. He heard a voice that sounded strangely similar to Hidan's. It was coming from the next aisle over. What the hell? Deidara gripped the cart tightly and wondered if he wanted to get involved in what was surely something very important and very world-changing. To his surprise, he realized that he did. If I'm the first to discover it, that makes me important, yeah. To hell with being bossed around by grumps like Kakuzu. I can be the important one for once! He left his cart against the nearest shelf and crept around the rear endcap. His heart pounded. He was grinning, so he figured he was excited, not nervous. He couldn't wait to inflict his discovery on Kakuzu. Sweet, sweet payback! He straightened, made himself look normal, and strolled around the endcap as if he was just browsing.

What he found there was beyond his wildest dreams. Two people were talking to each other. They were the strangest-looking people he had ever seen. Kisame with his obvious sharkiness and Kakuzu with his stitches on full display could not compare. One of the people wore a mask that entirely covered his face, and the other was half white, half black and half plant. Deidara's plan to stroll right past blew away in the wind. He walked up to them. "Hey, um. Sorry to interrupt, but, uh…"

"What?" snapped the walking mad science experiment. He had a deep voice superficially similar to Kakuzu's. But Deidara didn't see his mouth move.

"Well…" Deidara's words evaporated. This was the weirdest thing he'd ever been involved in, and he didn't know how to handle it. What would Hidan do? "...You seem to be half plant, yeah."

Both of the people looked at him. "So?" asked the masked man. He sounded like a young boy!

Deidara held up his hand palm outward and made his hand mouth lick its nonexistent lips. "I'm part of a club for people who are really weird, yeah, and you guys seem like a perfect fit. Um, let me just write down the address, yeah." He ran back to his cart, memorized the items on the shopping list that he had not already gotten, turned it over and wrote down the address of the hotel. He darted back around the endcap and shoved it into the masked man's hand. "Anytime," he told them. "We kind of live there, yeah." He ran away again before he could panic. They must think I'm so fucking weird, yeah! But I can't possibly be as weird as that guy. So what if I was too blunt? Oh shit, what did I just do? He got on his phone, intending to message Konan. But he could not figure out a way to describe what had just happened. It was so bizarre that words did not suffice. He eventually typed in the group chat, Hey guys, I invited some friends over. That was how he imagined Hidan would've phrased it. He had no idea if he'd chosen the right words or not. His head was still spinning. He went back to his shopping. Thankfully none of the things he had left to get were in the next aisle over.

He called Hidan as soon as he had paid for his purchase and left the store. "On my way back," Hidan said immediately upon picking up.

"Hidan, I just did something crazy, and I don't know if I did it right."

"Aw, fuck. More of this shit?" Hidan started to laugh. "Don't worry, Blondie. I'm sure you did fine. Whatever it was, lean into it. I'm gonna want to know everything later. Wahoo!"

"Thanks, man. Hey, did you hear about Same?"

"Yep. Oh man, this shit is gonna be awesome."

Deidara let out a sigh of relief. Hidan's relentless optimism was very soothing. "Okay, see you later, yeah." He ended the call, put the handles of his grocery bags into Clay's mouth, then got onto the owl and lifted up into the air. He flew directly toward the base. Halfway there, he realized he was smiling. My day totally turned around! Now it's the best day ever, yeah!

Nagato

Thank the gods, Jiraiya showed up after Kakuzu loaded Samehada into the back of his truck and drove away. Nagato could pretend that everything was normal. As normal as it could be when he was tasked with looking after a gaggle of dolls that wanted to run around like frightened toddlers, anyway. "Jiraiya! Hi, Kakuzu told me you were coming. Excuse me." Nagato used his Pull jutsu to grab Warlic, who tried to run down a hallway to who knew where. Warlic flailed his arms and wiggled. Solis blew paper around. Manta clutched the skateboard. Little One sat in a corner. "I've got my hands full," Nagato said with a chuckle, using both arms to keep Warlic from escaping his grasp. "Oh my god, are you part eel?"

"I can take him," Jiraiya offered. His large hands were much more effective at restraining a struggling doll. Nagato attempted to comfort Solis. He patted the doll on the head and told him Samehada was going to be okay. Solis continued to blow paper around anyway. For all Nagato knew, he was doing it just for fun. Nagato pushed a hand through his hair and sighed. "Are they normally like this?" Jiraiya asked.

Screw pretending. "No," Nagato told him. "They're upset because the shark that looks after them had to be rushed to the vet."

"What happened?"

"Poisoning. Bit into a random jug of antifreeze."

"Really? What moron leaves jugs of that stuff around?"

"We don't know why it was left." That was technically true. "It doesn't matter right now. Samehada's welfare is more important than blame."

"Hidan told me you were depressed," Jiraiya said, sitting down in the lobby chair and leaning back. He held Warlic up and baby-talked to him. Warlic wasn't struggling anymore. Jiraiya put the doll on his lap and released him, and Warlic did not try to escape. He looked up at Jiraiya's face curiously. "He also said you were dating?" Jiraiya chuckled. "Nice."

"Yeah. He's amazing." Nagato couldn't help but smile. "We're taking it slow. I'm still getting used to being able to say I have a boyfriend." He laughed. "I still laugh every time I say that word. I can't believe it."

"Enjoy it! Before you know it, you'll be looking up new positions, haha!"

Nagato flushed bright red. "Not anytime soon," he mumbled.

"If everything's going so well, what are you depressed about?" Jiraiya tried to fend off Warlic, who insisted on climbing up his shirt, but could not. He let the doll climb onto his shoulder and pull on his hair.

"I'm reevaluating my entire relationship with Yahiko," Nagato said. "I feel so bad about myself because I was passive for years. I didn't seize control of my own life. I didn't pursue my dreams. I don't even know what my dreams are. I wasted so much time."

"Join the club," Jiraiya replied. "I'm only just now exploring a whole new dating scene, and I'm already Grampa age!"

Nagato smiled. That did make him feel better. "I know. It's just that…sometimes it gets to me."

"Well, ignore it."

"I will try."

"These little guys are cute!" Jiraiya exclaimed. Warlic sat comfortably on his left shoulder and investigated his hair.

"Yeah, they're growing on me. I voted against bringing them to life initially, but now I think Yahiko had the right idea."

"Speaking of, where is that boy?"

"Itachi took him outside to help him calm down. As you'd expect, he's all torn up because of what happened to Samehada."

Jiraiya sighed. "A nice shark, that one. Didn't deserve it. I hope, uh, they recover quickly."

"You too? It seems like everyone's unsure of how to refer to Same all of a sudden."

"Well, Kisame calls the shark one thing, but I think it's another."

"Guess we'll find out. This might be the first time Same's ever been seen by a vet. Surely they know what to look for."

From there, their conversation turned to less dramatic topics. Jiraiya told stories about some bizarre things he had noticed around town. Nagato got the idea to bring all the plushies to him and tell them it was storytime. They sat and listened attentively like good little children. Jiraiya told them about his friend Shikaku, how they met and became friends, some stories from their past. Nagato told him stories too, of conversations with Konan and that one walk where he and Yahiko got measured for cloaks and other little things. He talked about Whisper and Tipsy. Jiraiya nodded. "Always trust a dog's judgment. After checking for hidden treats, that is."

Nagato smiled. His advice is just as wise as I remembered! "I know, they're the best. Um, let me check the group chat real quick. That notification might be an important update." Indeed it was. While Nagato was reading Yahiko's first message, another came in. The vet assistant just told us Same's going to be fine. The effects are basically the same as if he got really, really drunk. If he never touches antifreeze again, he'll be fine. We're waiting right now for the vet to finish flushing Same's system with water and tell us what sex he actually is. Nobody actually knows. While Nagato read that message, another one came in. Kisame knows why Same got poisoned but isn't telling.

"Same's going to be alright!" Nagato announced. "According to an actual doctor, his case is no worse than if he got really, really drunk. He'll be fine as long as he never drinks antifreeze again. Also, the vet is going to check to find out about…you know."

Jiraiya grinned. "Great! Drinking should be left to humans, haha!"

Another beep drew Nagato's attention to his phone. Deidara had messaged the group. Hey guys, I invited some friends over. "And it looks like Deidara invited some friends over. For tonight, presumably. I didn't know Deidara had any other outside friends besides Laurie. I thought he was a shut-in before Konan formed this group." Nagato waited a couple of minutes, but no further details appeared. "Huh. Well, I look forward to meeting them."

"I have some plans for tonight," Jiraiya said, making it clear that his plans were the sort you did not want to ask about. "But text me if they're nice people or not. You have my number, right?" Nagato added him as a contact and promised to tell Jiraiya what kind of people Deidara's new friends were. Jiraiya took Warlic down from his shoulder and placed him on the ground with all the other dolls, kicked the chair out of the way, knelt down and patted each of them on the head. "You kids stay nice, you hear?" He stepped over them and waved goodbye as he left. Nagato waved back.

The dolls were much better behaved. Nagato smiled down at them. "You guys, stay right here with the skateboard. I'll get the leashes and take you on a nice, long walk."

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A/N: *maniacal cackling*

FINALLY! I had the arrival of the missing group members planned for two months out since the beginning of the story, and it took forever to get there. I've lost track of how long it's actually been in-story. A month and a half? More? Eh, enough time for them to realistically be dead in the Narutoverse, that's all that matters. I deliberately left all questions of timing ambiguous for that reason.

Ooooooooh, I can't wait to finally reveal what my plans for them are! Haha! Exciting!

See ya next week!