New Life

by Ama no Tsuki

After her death, Konan finds herself stranded someplace mysterious. Fortunately, she is surrounded by familiar faces. Unfortunately, none of them have any memories of their previous lives. Why don't they remember? Why does she? Why are some of them even there? And what is happening to her and to them? (An exploration of life in general, a journal written in story form.)

213. Figuring Things Out

A/N: I am loving being ahead of my own story! Knowing exactly where it's going to go allows me to streamline stuff so that it gets there faster! Wow! What a marvelous concept. I'm still a pantser in my actual method of getting to that point, but when you go hiking with a clear idea of where you're headed you tend to spend a lot less time going down false trails.

Enjoy more character development from approximately 2 months ago. Oh, and there is a long, very personal author note at the end of this chapter. Feel free to skip it if you don't care about why the characters in this story are going through what they are going through.

.

Konan

Konan spent her day in a state of numbness. Her curt instruction to Itachi was an example of her methods in general. Only action. No excessive thinking. If it does not lead to action, forget about it.

Following this philosophy kept her together. It kept her sane. It allowed her to accomplish things that needed accomplishing. She used the Alarm function on her phone to set an extra-loud reminder for the date and time her medical appointment was on. She briefly allowed herself to think about how it was only a couple of days away, for comfort, then pushed all thoughts of it away. There was no more action to take there. Her next action was to message Soye. How are you? The sort of inquiry it was normal for one friend to send to another in this world. She remembered that she had made a new contact, and sent the same inquiry to Tammy. She refused to think about why she was messaging Tammy. She refused to think about that friendly woman, with the comforting aura, the hypnotic fish that swam in circles like a visual lullaby, how safe she had felt, safe enough to remove her cloak… Konan thought of none of that. Not a single flash of memory crossed her mind. She wasn't allowing any flashes of memory across her mind that day; her mind's eye was closed by order of the will. But she did send another text. After asking Tammy How are you?, she followed it with, Are you very busy?

Naturally, Soye replied first. There has been a decision. Konan waited, unsure if Soye would go on to provide an elaboration or if she had to specifically request one. This time, she did not have to. Correction: there was a decision two nights ago. Upon performing regular surveillance, we decided to hold it in suspension. Last night, many amendments were discussed and enacted. There is now a final decision, complete and ready to be declared.

Konan nodded. It was difficult to remember what had happened without reliving the events, however briefly, but she made it work. Instead of remembering events the normal way, through mental images, she narrated them. It was as if she was reading to herself a history book. Two nights ago, they would have found out that there was an imminent upset to the known roster of people who matter. They would have withheld whatever decision they made about their borders in case Deidara's unexplained friends influenced it. I'm sure learning of Madara the following night massively influenced their decision.

She messaged Soye back. What is the final decision?

Soye replied, Our borders continue to be open to those with the capacity to regulate themselves. We are giving you a great gift, not to be taken lightly. We grant you trust that you can decide for yourself if your group does or does not meet this standard. If our trust is violated… She started a new paragraph. That one with the orange mask, who cannot control themselves, is entirely banned under this standard.

Konan smiled. Trust. She understood all too well the value of that, the delicacy, the treasured nature of it, like an irreplaceable glass ornament from another time. She vowed to herself that she would safeguard this delicate and precious thing at all costs. She would enclose it, pad it with the softest wool, entirely save it from any shocks or upsets. That was why she freely handed over information about the inner workings of her group. I will hold a meeting tonight to discuss our internal structure, then. It is currently in flux, and our self-regulation capacity is unknown. I will make it clear that there is to be zero visitations to your territory until we have established ourselves firmly. That is to be our new project. We currently have written guidelines for group behavior; they are flexible and open to interpretation. New, more specific, guidelines must be added. I will share what there is currently.

Konan questioned her decision when she actually read the sheet of paper taped to the fridge. Sadly, she had begun to look past it when accessing the fridge, as a civilian would have. She chastised herself for this. But a promise was a promise, so she typed out the house rules in their exact wording for Soye. House rules: 1. No computers allowed in the building except for laptops and smartphones. 2. No poking at personal neuroses in public. 3. No labeling. We're all weird here. Nicknames are acceptable. 4. Expect nightly meetings. They might not happen sometimes, but happening is the default. 5. Be nice to the neighbors. 6. All visitors are welcome. So are guests. 7. Always enter the basement respectfully.

Interesting rules, Soye replied.

Konan understood that as a request, the sort of request people in her world would have given. Soye was requesting justifications for the rules, an understanding of why they were phrased the way they were. That indicated that she understood Konan's intentions and was just as eager to pad their precious trust with reassuring, comforting information. Konan felt like she had a sister. Yes. They are meant to govern our internal interactions, and were written some time ago when our internal interactions were simpler. They should have been updated when the dolls were brought to life. She decided to send that as its own separate text. In fact, each rule would be its own separate text. This would allow for easy digestion of information, showing respect to her audience.

The first rule was established because of my episodes. I tend to be very distractible in that state. It is not a good idea for me to have easy access to the Internet, which is the domain of distraction in this world.

The second rule exists because we frequently discuss personal problems with each other, a mix of ones that are best addressed as a group and ones that should be addressed privately. What the second rule means is that no problem that is best addressed in private shall be brought up or even referenced at a group meeting. Several times, various members have formed subgroups in which a few people conspired to keep knowledge from the rest of the group or to control its distribution. This practice has met with opposition, but we have all come to agree that it is necessary sometimes.

The third rule refers to the fact that our members have many abnormalities, physical and mental. Nobody is to be judged on those bases. Calling Nagato Ring-eye, for example, would be unacceptable. But Hidan calls him Moonlight, and that is alright. Konan carefully kept out of her mind any other information about Nagato. No memories of him. No thoughts about what he was doing. He was simply a convenient demonstration of her point. That was all he was.

The fourth rule is simply an accurate description of our patterns. The fifth, I believe, originally referred to the neighbors that live on our street. That is, the demon boy and the snake child, plus the ghosts that haunt the old hospital. By now, the definition of "neighbors" includes allied groups, as well as non-allied groups who are not hostile to us. AKA vampires.

The sixth rule is meant to convey that our building is not considered off limits. It is ours in the sense that we are the people who can always be found here, but we do not maintain territorial boundaries or place conditions upon would-be visitors. We could if we needed to, but so far we have encountered nobody that does not enforce their own standards of appropriate behavior when visiting.

The seventh is worded in a confusing way. Gods, after all, are not sentient and cannot be insulted. That rule is more to make it clear to any outsiders our own attitudes towards the god in our basement. It really means, "We consider Jashin sama to be worthy of respect." By its implications, it states something along the lines of, "Our resident deity, our hosting of such, our relationship to such, etc., are all not to be insulted." it is just easier to imply that rather than explicitly state it, or at least it was until recently. When we revise the house rules, I will update this one to be more explicit, even if the explicit version is wordier and more formal-sounding than we usually prefer.

Konan sighed in pleasure and relief. She truly appreciated Itachi's style. Like him, she found solace and comfort in analyzing information, decoding it, and conveying it. It gave her the appearance of order, even though deep down she knew she herself was anything but orderly, and enforced order on the outside world. For a little while, while doing these tasks, she could pretend to herself that she made sense. That she was just as orderly as the words on the screen.

…

Konan sat straight again. What was this? Those 3 little dots, Soye's entire reply, were so vague as to be insulting. At least, if they were not followed by an elaboration. Konan frowned down at her screen. Why would Soye ever send something incomplete, purposeless and potentially insulting?

She received neither elaboration nor explanation for a long time. After five entire minutes had passed, Konan considered switching to messaging Itachi. What could this mean? She waited one more minute, then did exactly that. Itachi, what does "..." on its own, as a separate text, mean?

Several minutes later, during which she still did not get a response from Soye, Itachi replied with a detailed breakdown. If preceded by a statement of opinion, especially a controversial opinion, it may indicate disagreement that is so strong as to be inadequately expressed by words. If soon followed by a question, it indicates confusion. If preceded by a large amount of information, or information that is especially difficult to understand, it may indicate that the receiver has read the information and is currently processing it. Some messaging systems tell you when your message has been read, but not all do, and it is sometimes necessary to convey the message that "I have read your words and am taking time to respond. I am not ignoring you." If the situation does not fall under one of these categories, in general, remember that the ellipsis (the … symbol) is the written equivalent of a pause. It indicates that the listener, for whatever reason, is currently unable to speak. But their sending of any message at all indicates that they do want to communicate with you, even if they can't use words to do it.

In the time it took her to read that, Soye responded. Konan finished reading, thanked him, then returned to her conversation with Soye. Soye's response was balanced on the razor's edge between formal and informal, working partners and personal friends. No wonder it had taken her so long to compose it. Is outside input on this revision process acceptable?

Konan smiled. It took her no time at all to compose an answer. Yes.

.

Later in her day, she got a response from Tammy, who cut through all the indirection and formality and invited her to come over and hang out for as long as she wanted. Konan gave Yahiko a stack of paper with which to continue composing a script, wished him well, told him to tell Kakuzu that she was out exploring town, and left to visit the aquarium.

There were many other visitors there, and it took some time for them to clear out. Konan watched the stingrays swim, letting them lull her into a dreamlike state. She did not know how much time had passed, or if any had, when Tammy finally stood next to her. "You want to hear gossip?" Tammy whispered conspiratorially.

"No," Konan replied. "I want…" What do I want? It was the first time she had allowed herself to ask that question all day. "I want…to…" "It indicates that the listener, for whatever reason, is currently unable to speak." I understand now. Words are so flimsy. Instead of speaking any more, Konan went over to the bench and removed her cloak. Standing at the stingray pool, letting them brush against her fingers, not looking like a foreigner, not looking dignified and set apart, not wearing a distinctive uniform, looking just like any normal ordinary girl… It brought her great sadness. "I want to grieve for all I have lost," she whispered.

"Oh," Tammy whispered back. "Did something happen? It seems like there's been a lot of that today. N-nevermind. Take your time. Gossip's not important right now."

Actually, it was. "Others have been grieving too?" I am not alone?

"Hidan, um, was in here hours ago looking pissed off. He was mad about how his empathy powers force him to always be dealing with other people's business. How he never got a life of his own. His phrasing, not mine."

I cannot inflict any more grief on him, then. "I understand just what he means." I was used.

Letting herself think that again cracked open something inside. A flood of memories poured through. I was used. He killed me. Those hands. Those hands. Her breath caught in her throat. The sharp, stabbing pain that the symbol had turned her despair into paralyzed her. But as another stingray brushed against her frozen hand, Konan felt another influence. The water was more than water. The room was more than just a room. The stingrays were more than mere animals. Konan closed her eyes. An image of Yahiko's face when he was at his finest flashed in her mind.

I know what to do to help him. She opened her eyes. The stingrays and the pool of water they swam in continued to circle, washing away the horrors of her past. The ability to gently wash her clean when she was stained; that was the ability Yahiko had. Sometimes. When he was not soiled himself. I can help someone. I can make the world a better place. Konan looked at Tammy for the first time all visit. "I am restored. Thank you."

"Cool beans," Tammy replied. A smile flickered to life on her face. "I have no idea what happened, but hey, you look a lot better."

"This place, these animals, they reminded me of a friend," Konan said while putting her cloak back on. "A friend who needs me."

Yahiko

Yahiko reread the writings that had formerly been a script. After much agonizing on whether it would even be possible to follow a script, he'd realized that the only purpose a script could serve was to clarify for himself what he thought. The words flowed easily after that. Now he had extensive writings of things that he would have babbled about to Nagato, verbalized explorations, that honestly would've bored any listener to tears. Now, after having written all of that, he could distill it down to a few sentences. Those few sentences were these: I'm still in a place in my development where I need support and forgiveness. You also need to receive support and forgiveness. My ability to give you the support you need fluctuates like crazy, which in itself is bad, because it seems like you need stability. I can't help you. We should find other people.

Admitting that he couldn't help someone hurt. Yahiko contemplated the hurt as he wrote down those few brutally honest sentences. It didn't feel like the hurt of lashing himself with guilt, thinking all kinds of mean thoughts about how he was a bad friend and no good and a horrible weak person and so on. That kind of hurt felt easier, somehow. Like he could hold onto the hope of changing. Even as he cursed himself for being unable to change, the curses themselves implied that he could become better if he just chose to. If he just worked hard enough. If he only got serious about it and applied himself. That kind of hurt felt flimsier, whereas the hurt he felt now was solid. But he also felt better than he did when he tormented himself. He could torment himself for anything, shifting direction on a whim. There was no way to escape it. That kind of torment, even if it gave him the hope of thinking he could wish his problems away in the blink of an eye, also gave him incredible anxiety. Brutal honesty, though solid as a gut punch, did not come with any anxiety. It wasn't going anywhere. He could avoid it or go around it, and it wouldn't leap upon him. Like having a very heavy box in his way, versus being wrapped up in a gigantic tangled blanket. It sucks not being able to help him. But I'm so, so tired of struggling to figure out the right thing. I don't want to struggle anymore. I want to just be able to look at a problem, say "There it is," and sit on the floor or something until I'm ready to deal with it. Yahiko put down his pen. Maybe he should take Nagato's disappearance for what it was: a vacation. Until Nagato came back, he didn't have to worry about anything anymore. He could relax, sip fruity drinks, and then when Nagato came back the problem would still be there, essentially unchanged. Am I a bad person for wanting to take a break from my friend? No, stop that. Sasori told you not to use the words good or bad anymore.

"Too much thinking," Yahiko groaned. "Need more action." He called Deidara. "Hey, Dei. How are they?"

"Please please please for the love of God tell me I can bring them back," Deidara pleaded. "They've been using the entire town as their personal playground for hours. I'm so tired. Seriously, my legs ache from running after them, my throat's sore from constantly yelling at them or asking people where they went, and the one time I tried leashing them to the nearest pole, Warlic put up so much of a fight that I got scared he'd destroy the leashes. I want to smash that skateboard to pieces. I'm so fucking tired."

"Oh, god," Yahiko exclaimed as he realized that he'd unwittingly dumped a megaload of stress on Deidara just because he couldn't handle it at the time. "Uh, yeah. Bring them back." Deidara ended the call immediately. Yahiko wondered if he should feel guilty. No thinking! Action! He called Kakuzu to apologize.

"What now?" Kakuzu snarled.

An image that he had once seen shared on Facebook flashed before Yahiko's mind. He hadn't thought about it in years, but now he remembered it as clearly as if he'd seen it yesterday. It was an informative meme on how to translate apologies into expressions of gratitude. "Thank you," Yahiko found himself saying. "I was in a really bad place this morning. Thanks for listening and giving me a push."

There was a pause. "You're welcome," Kakuzu replied. His anger had completely vanished. "Hmph. Feeling more leaderly now?"

"Yeah." Oh my god that meme's advice really works. I should do this all the time from now on. I should put this in the group chat. My life is forever changed. "I don't think Nagato's going to come back for a while. While he's away, do you want to help me put together a thing for him, like I prepared for Sasori?"

"I could be persuaded. What sort of thing do you have in mind?"

Yahiko was smiling. "Well, first of all, I promised him that if I couldn't help him I would find someone who could. So the care package has to include a person who can help him. Then, a lot of creature comforts. We don't know when exactly he'll come back, so it has to be able to keep for a few days. Omelets and burgers are out of the question. Some kind of dessert! Let me think… Pies, brownies, cakes… I'm gonna go with brownies. Brownies have more of a…help-you-feel-better kind of vibe to them, while pies are more celebratory. We have to make him some brownies. And, um, borrow the blanket again. I'm gonna get Hidan to help me set up a snugglefest. Just like we did with Sasori! No. No movies. No, Nagato said that he doesn't want to be distracted from his problems. Just snuggling, under a blanket, in total silence. We should do that in the game room, so that it won't feel weird, because the plushies are already sitting there in total silence! That's the room for sitting around not doing anything! Because the plushies are already doing that, so, so, it's like, like we're just following their example. Like it's normal. Huh. They're not actually alive, but it works somehow."

"Identify people who can help him with his problems and make brownies with you. I can do that. It's a deal."

"Thank you!"

"It's late in the day. I recommend doing baking tomorrow."

"Okay. Oh, that's right, I just remembered. Konan went out to town. She didn't say why. Just exploring, I guess. It probably helps her keep her mind off of things."

"How long ago was this?"

"Uh… Most of an hour ago, probably? I was in the middle of working. No, I was toward the end, actually, when I was really on a roll, like, really onto the good part. That's why I didn't remember to tell you she was leaving. Sorry."

"It's fine. We'll wait for her to get back before discussing who we should assign to Nagato's case. She can help."

"Yeah, good idea."

Yahiko ended the call and realized he had absolutely no idea what to do next. No thinking. Action. But there was no action to take. He settled for stopping himself from thinking, then, opening up a game on his phone and playing it. He got off the chair behind the lobby desk and sat on the floor with his back against the wood, keeping his neck vertical.

He fell sideways when a dark shape materialized out of nowhere right next to him. He reached for a hip pouch that he did not have, then reached for his right arm where his weapon seal was located. Before he could remember how to activate it, he realized he was in no danger. "Konan?"

"Did I startle you? My apologies." She stepped away from him and put her return to base seal back in her pocket. "I have learned something that can help you."

Yahiko got to his feet, feeling embarrassed. "What is it?"

"You are like water," she told him. "You have the power to take pain, sadness, and other things that have stained the soul, and wash them away. Through sincere care, you make others feel cleaner. However, you can only do this when you yourself are not soiled. What I have learned is that there is a place with the same powers as you have. Just inside the aquarium, there is a stingray pool. The way that the fish circle in the water creates precisely the same effect. You can go there to restore your own powers."

Yahiko's eyes widened. I actually can receive the kindness I put out into the world? Konan did not realize how impactful her words were. She had just told Yahiko that his lifelong dream was within easy reach, and how to reach it. Tears came to his eyes. "Th-thanks."

She smiled. "Does this give you hope?"

"Uh…" His heart clenched. "Not really. It just makes me very sad. I always wanted… For someone to hold me and… And tell me things were gonna be alright… That's why I do it. Because I hoped that…" That if I filled the world with what I needed, I might finally get some of it. He sniffled and turned away. "I'd like to go there now. Um, Dei's coming back soon with the plushies. He's gonna be super tired. And I made plans with Kakuzu to put together something for Nagato. Right. Do you know what Nagato likes? Favorite objects, or foods, or…"

"I can speak with Kakuzu about it. Go."

Yahiko spent the whole journey to the aquarium lost in thought. It was a relief to finally see the building. He hurried inside. He saw the pool that Konan had described. He looked in, simultaneously hoping and not daring to hope to find healing there.

The stingrays swam in slow circles, their fins undulating. Water sloshed gently, its waves less than a centimeter high. It was…boring.

"You can pet them," someone said. He looked up to see an athletic-looking woman. "And feed them. We sell treats."

Yahiko rolled up his sleeves and reached in. As soon as his hand touched water, he felt something. Then, when a stingray brushed against his palm… It was like magic. Tears came to his eyes again. He laughed and cried at the same time as he petted the stingrays one after another. She was right. I'm… I'm home.

Nagato

Nagato had increased respect for women in general and Yahiko specifically when he reached the Hatake camp. Toddlers were heavy. He wondered where he would find the demon boy. Somewhere in the surrounding forest, overhead in the trees, or…?

He met not one, but two patrolling wolves. They looked more alert than usual, and one of them had a human partner who explained, "Something…important has happened. If you want to speak to Sakumo, you should come back another time."

"I don't," Nagato replied. "I want to speak to the demon boy. This snake toddler is his best friend, and told me he was here." He shifted his arms, careful not to wake the sleeping child.

The wolf guy blinked in surprise. "...Okay then." He waved Nagato through.

Nagato found the rest of the camp seemingly deserted. It looked like the whole clan had sprung into protective mode. Oh, no. I don't want to be intruding. He found his body shifting into stealth mode, his feet placing themselves as quietly as possible, his ears alert for any sign of detection. He crept around the camp, hoping he would not have to knock on any doors.

He found Sakumo and the demon boy sitting on the porch of the outer cabin. Neither of them spoke or looked at each other. Whatever their initial meeting had been, by now the air over their heads was filled with awkwardness. Sakumo looked glad to have someone else to talk to. "Hello. Ah…"

"Nagato," Nagato murmured back. He shook the snake boy gently. The toddler's soft snoring stopped. He placed the child on the ground. The snake boy yawned and looked around, then got to his feet and joined the demon boy on the porch. "I'm actually here to talk to him."

The porch was wide enough for him to join them. The demon boy patted his friend's head. He glared up at Nagato and grunted.

What's wrong? Nagato felt bad again for intruding. "I just…wondered if you had any advice for how to deal with being super powerful."

The demon boy glared down into his lap. He growled.

I have never seen him angry before, Nagato realized. It was a little frightening to know he was angering a super powerful being of loose morals. He resolved not to say anything until the boy did.

"Mm?" The snake child looked up at his friend.

"Give me a sec," the demon boy muttered back.

Awkward silence descended again. Nagato couldn't take it. "It's nice that you have your whole clan looking out for you," he told Sakumo.

Sakumo smiled back. "It really is." His smile faded as he looked down at the demon boy.

"Grrr!" the demon boy snarled. "Ugh, I hate it! Shut up with all the questions!"

"Uh…" Should I go and come back another time?

The demon boy shot him a look. "Don't you dare. You big coward."

What the hell? "What are you talking about?"

"Seriously?" The air around them heated. Nagato's heart hammered. The demon looked an awful lot like he wanted to physically attack. The boy growled again, more fiercely. Sakumo looked alarmed, but he had no idea how to intervene. Nagato wondered if he was going to die.

The snake boy stood up, preventing the demon child and Nagato from seeing each other. He held out his toy snake and rubbed it on the demon boy's forehead.

The air cooled back to its former temperature. The demon boy turned away, looking out at the forest again. He hugged his knees. "Being all powerful stinks," he admitted. "It's nice to…to have someone else look after you."

"I've had that my whole life," Nagato said. "I've never had a chance to experience being all powerful."

"Good," the demon boy said. "You don't want to be a king. Nobody should be a king."

"But I don't want to be a servant, either."

"That's because you're a coward," the demon boy replied.

Nagato's fists clenched. "It's cowardly to not want to give up my own desires for other people?"

"No, it's cowardly to do that," the demon boy shot back. "You're a giant wuss that won't let anybody get a good look at his powers just 'cause you're scared that they'll be scared. You're a king hanging out on his throne, keeping everything secret because you're scared. Stop it! Being a king sucks."

Nagato shook his head slowly. "I don't understand. I've done nothing but live for other people."

The demon boy uncurled. "It's real nice to have other people look out for you," he murmured, looking shy.

"...Yeah."

"What would you know about it? Have you ever let anyone do it?" The demon boy looked down. "I didn't. 'Cause… 'Cause I was scared."

What the hell is he talking abou-

"You're wrong."

"I'm sorry?"

"You never had anybody look after you."

Nagato hardly knew what to say to that. "I've…literally let Yahiko decide my life for me this whole time."

The demon boy glared at him again. "You are so stupid."

"You're speaking in weird circles and accusations. I don't think anybody can understand you."

"The words guy could. He's not stupid."

"Words guy? Oh, you must mean Itachi. Um, I don't have my phone on me." Sakumo had the number of someone in their group, so he made a call and asked to speak to Itachi. He passed his phone over to Nagato, who put it on speakerphone and held his breath. Can Itachi help me? He couldn't before, but maybe now he can? Nagato was not hopeful. He'd built up great expectations, dared to think that the demon boy could help him. But the demon boy wasn't helping him at all. Was everything futile?

Itachi answered the call quickly. "Is this a long diversion or a short one?"

"Long," the demon boy answered.

"Long." There were some rustling sounds. "What is the nature of the request?"

"Translation," the demon boy answered. "Ring-eye here doesn't understand what I'm saying because he's stupid and a huge coward."

"What am I to translate?"

"Being a king up on a throne sucks and means you're a coward. He's saying he's a servant, but he's not. He's a king too. A great big coward who never took any risks 'cause he was scared of people. Now that I know what not being a king is like, I see through that phony garbage!"

"Give me a minute." Itachi thought for a while. "Nagato?"

"Yes?"

"People pleasing is another form of asserting power over others. By deciding how they will or will not react to you, how they will or will not feel, you force them into feeling and reacting a certain way. Assuming that other people would be scared or displeased by your actions is the same as assuming that you have perfect control over another's emotional state. You have likely been following Yahiko around and doing nothing but favors for him, playing the part of the perfect loyal friend, thus making it impossible for him to reject you, because of a need for control. You need him, so you guarantee that he will stay with you. In order to have better relationships with others, you must give up control. You must let go of the assumption that you can perfectly predict other people, and allow yourself to enter the terrifying liminal space between your question and their answer where you genuinely do not know how they will respond. Allow others the chance to respond positively to you. Assuming that they will respond negatively and devising ways to prevent them from doing so may feel safer, but allowing other people to freely choose to be kind to you will earn you much greater rewards. Right now, you are keenly aware of the insufficiency of the rewards you have gotten so far. Use that to motivate yourself into courage. Take a chance. You don't know exactly what you'll get if you take a risk, but you know exactly what you'll get if you don't and you know you can't stand it."

The demon boy nodded. "I always assumed this guy over here would freak out about me. I didn't want him doing anything weird like trying to hug me, 'cause what else might that lead to, and it would be weird, and strange, and anyway I was a whole lot more comfortable hanging out in the trees and never letting him see me. If you'd asked me before why I did that, I woulda said I was just doing him a favor, but…"

If Nagato's mind was a car, it was plunging down a ravine filled with boulders and branches, jerking from side to side and rotating one way only to be smashed into rotating the opposite way, taking incredible damage on both ends. "Thanks," he muttered hollowly, ending the call. Power and control? What? But I've been giving up those things this whole time. How could…

"Thanks," the demon boy said, patting his snakelike friend on the head. The toddler scooted closer and hugged him.

"You were afraid that I would be kind to you?" Sakumo asked the demon boy. "I'm afraid that even after hearing Itachi explain it so well, I don't fully understand. I've grown up in a clan where we help each other freely, so I've never felt any need for control. If you are afraid that I will be kind to you at first, but then suddenly stop, or that I'm only pretending right now, well, there's no need for that. We are loyal. We stay by the side of those we have promised to care for, no matter what. That's the way of our clan."

"Mmm." It was difficult to tell what the demon boy meant by that grunt. He sounded accepting, but not happy. "I'm gonna need some evidence for that."

Sakumo teared up. "I know you are much older than you look, but seeing such a lack of trust in someone who looks so young…" He slowly, tentatively, reached out a hand. The demon boy sat still, allowing Sakumo to put an arm around his shoulders. "I don't know what happened to give you this inability to trust, but I swear that it will never happen again. Not here."

"Nothing happened. Just existing."

Nagato closed his eyes. It was too much to handle. "I - I need to go for a walk." Sakumo took his phone back and bid farewell. Nagato stumbled down the steps, hardly aware of the world around him. He walked through the forest on autopilot, blinded by his own thoughts. His mind car lay crashed, windshield smashed into opacity, crumpled and folded and missing a tire. Everything he thought he knew was in doubt.

If I tried to do something strange and bizarre, would they accept it? Love me despite it? Love me for it? Nagato felt the wild heart-pounding terror that filled him at the thought of finding out, and knew that everything Itachi had said was true.

.

A/N: This is actually a realization years in the making. Have you ever had some important piece of knowledge where you always knew it, but at the beginning you only technically knew it? Like, yeah, yeah, I understand what you're saying, I've heard it before. But then, as time passes, you know it more and more. Oh, they had a good point. Oh, they had another good point. Oh, it actually applies to something I've experienced. OH MY GOD IT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING. Like surface level knowledge, sinking deeper and deeper? That's what Nagato's (and to some extent, Yahiko's) character arc is about. I figured out a good couple of years ago that I had control issues and was using a variety of techniques to control other people's behavior. For at least one entire year, I have known specifically that trying to please others at my own expense is one of those techniques. It took a lot of time for that knowledge to become REAL, though. Maybe that's because the underlying cause of my control issues is finally being resolved. I'm an expert at not wanting things I can't realistically have, so as long as I couldn't realistically change my own behavior, the knowledge of why I was behaving that way didn't help me, so I didn't care about it. Only now that I can use it do I care.

Poor Yahiko. I am currently training a friend (with his consent) to offer me hugs unprompted. It's going pretty well. I am loving not having to always be the one to invite kindness, to seek it out, to make the effort. At last, someone else makes the effort for me! I've also mentioned this to one of my parents, so hopefully my family can become more affectionate too.

As for Konan... Two months ago is approximately when I realized that I had some level of trauma in my own background.

(A little diversion here: I write by intuition, by using my whole body, mind and soul. In my own life, some part of me usually knows exactly what's going on, but that part of me is often one I do not have conscious access to. This affects my writing because when I first start writing a story, my intuition tells me that certain characters have to be included or have to meet each other. I usually don't know why. Some part of me knows what kind of arc those characters have and what their motivations are, but that part of me is not my conscious mind. I call it my Subconscious Writing Crew. In the course of writing the story, I realize that the character I just had to include has an arc that's very relevant to the story's theme, or that the characters who I just had to have meet possess complementary character arcs that they can help each other with. It tends to happen so naturally and gracefully that you'd think I planned it from the start, and in a way of speaking, I did. But the part of me that planned it isn't the same part writing these words right now. Writing, for me, is a lot like being possessed.)

Anyway, I wrote four years and 200 chapters of this story before I realized that I had included a character with symptoms of PTSD deliberately, because that is also a thing I deal with myself. I thought it was just something canon "forced" me to include before. No, it's something I chose because I needed to resolve unresolved trauma in my own life. I have spent the past 2 months doing just that. And my efforts to resolve my troubles have been very successful. That means that Konan, who has made probably the least personal progress of any character in this fic, is just about to start a major leap forward.

Oh, wait, no, I forgot Deidara. He's made approximately zero progress. Darn. Well, I have a lot of stuff to get through before I can move out of my parent's house and develop my own grown-up life. Even now, I still need them to take care of me. It could be some time before Deidara gets to feel capable and mature. Sorry Dei. Hopefully it only takes a few months for me, now that I've started talking to my parents as equals instead of as terrifying arbiters of everything I do.

I don't think Sasori has a distinct character arc. He does have feelings and he does learn new things, but he's the only character in this fic that doesn't have a mental issue with a name. He represents my creativity, which is the one thing I have had full access to this whole time, the very resource that I use to resolve all my other problems. He stabilizes the group just the way that my writing stabilizes me. I figured that as long as I was talking about character arcs, I would be vaguely appropriate to mention that.

So then. Rar!