A/N: I have read a very excellent book recently. It is called The Emotionally Absent Mother: a guide to self-healing and getting the love you missed. That book perfectly described and explained my life. I have no more questions about why I do anything. Reading its description of the Good Mother archetype reminded me of myself, both as I am now and as I have devoted my life to becoming, and I wasn't surprised when the chapters on how to heal kept repeating over and over that the number one thing you must do is become a Good Mother to yourself.

As for why I'm bringing it up... Um...

Shall we?

.

Hidan

Hidan regretted all of his life choices almost immediately.

"Fuck," he swore. He sat down next to the road and called Konan. When she picked up, he told her, "Konan, I think I just did something really stupid, and it's only the latest in a series of really stupid things I've been doing."

"In what way is it foolish?" she asked.

"I introduced Madara to Other Me."

"Explain why."

"I was desperate to have someone, anyone, accept me the way Moonlight does."

"Did you get any such acceptance?"

Hidan squinted up at the sky. "I'm not filled with terror, so I don't think I have any reason to worry about total rejection, but I'm still convinced that he's a dick and I am filled with regret, so I don't think it went all that great."

"Interesting."

Surprisingly, she actually sounded like she meant it. Like she was open to talking about the man whose original had killed her. Hidan blinked. "Heading home now. See ya in a bit?" She confirmed that she was there, so he ended the call and used chakra to race home. Racing wasn't as much fun without someone by his side, but the wind on his skin still felt quite nice.

She met him out front. They went up to the roof, which was warm from the sunlight. Hidan purred reflexively and sat down, then lay down. "Oooohhhh fuck yes." For a very nice, very long moment, he felt like a baby being held. With his eyes closed, he could pretend he was floating in a bubble.

He wasn't, of course. "Why did you feel the need to race home?"

Without opening his eyes, he replied, "'Cause it sounded like you wanted to talk about him."

Konan was silent for a while. He couldn't tell what exactly she was feeling over the sound of his own bliss. Oh, yeah, this is nice. Not constantly being disturbed by other people. I like this. Maybe I should spend more time around people who are chill? Before he could decide anything, she spoke. "I am not sure if I want to talk about him, but I believe I need to."

"Sweet. Talk away."

"Well… I do not know where to start."

Hidan yawned. "So, his clone. The new Madara. Whadda you think about him?"

"I have no idea," Konan replied. "Madara was always a figure of control to me. Absolute, domineering, unbreakable, unquestionable control. Any attempt to resist his arguments, he would weave around. His vision of the world…was inescapable." Her voice had dropped to a whisper. "I cannot reconcile that with this new version, who although he can come out any time he wishes, nonetheless is subject to the whims of other people for most of the time. Since they were all acts, Original Tobi naturally used his harmless personality in the service of Original Madara's goals. They never would have contradicted each other. But now, it seems like all that Clone Tobi does is contradict him. His clone does not have perfect, inescapable control." Nonetheless, her breathing was harsh and ragged. "I don't know how to believe that. I'm sure it should be a relief, and someday it might be, but I can't even understand it as real."

Now her feelings were strong enough to overcome his bliss. Hidan opened his eyes and sat up. He wrapped her in a hug and squeezed her tightly, kissing her neck as he did so. She shook like a leaf. "In a way, he is more terrifying," she gasped. "Because I no longer know what to expect."

"Let me tell you, then," he said.

But he did not tell her immediately. He continued to hold her until she reached out and clung to him, until she buried her face in his neck, until she stopped shaking. She readjusted her grip and shifted her weight until their position was more 'mutual comfort' and less 'desperate clinging,' then asked him to tell her. "I must know who and what he is. I must understand. That is the only way to feel safe."

"I getcha," he murmured soothingly. "I'll tell you everything I've learned about him. Firstly…" He paused to wonder what he should say first. "I'm suspicious. The ability to come out whenever you want doesn't make any sense if it's totally unguided. At least, it doesn't make sense for him. I don't think he's the sort of personality to take leaps of faith. I think he's aware of things that happen to Obito. His timing - coming out just when Obito was going to meet a large chunk of the group, coming out when I visited - it's just too convenient."

Konan took a deep, shaking breath. "I will assume that every interaction I have with Obito is one he sees, then. What are his motives, Hidan? What does he do with what he sees?"

"You're right," he told her. "This version doesn't have control. He can't just do whatever he wants. I think he's trying to fix that by controlling the others indirectly. He can't stop them from existing or from acting in ways he doesn't like, but he can use his time outside to influence the real world, to make the real world less likely to help them and put up obstacles and shit. Whatever he wants, he can be a lot more successful at it if Obito and Tobi don't have help with their goals."

Konan's breath eased. That, she could understand. "But what are his own goals?"

Hidan chuckled. "I'm not so sure he has any. And if he does, they're in smithereens now that we're helping the others. He's gonna have to ramp up the amount of time he spends outside and spend literally all that time on scaring us away in order to avoid losing control. But you know what? This time, I don't think he can. Reality is tilted in our favor, and people who should be group members don't have much luck staying out of our group. Jackasses who want to be alone and perfectly in control and mean to people are out of power around here, and he's just gonna have to learn to live with that."

Konan chuckled. That too, she could understand. Kisame's experience was known and familiar. Connecting him to shit she already understands is working! Fuck yes. "He does not have the power his original did?"

Hidan got a great idea. FUCK YES. His soul lit up. He wanted to put her fears and her sadness behind her once and for all. That was all he had ever wanted since meeting her, and now, he had just discovered a way to do it. "Of course not," he told her. "He had a different author. Remember? Our originals had an author who was some kind of jackass that needed drama and fighting and tragedy and all that shit to sell his books. A dick who built his brand on violent, angry people fighting wars and shit. Madara's not just that powerful of a person; he used to have reality tilted in his favor because the fucking author was on his side. But now, we've got a nicey-nice author who doesn't like tragedy or fighting, so he's out of luck."

Konan's body relaxed completely. Hidan felt his words strike home. They not only made logical sense; he felt them penetrate deeper, through her mind and into her heart, perhaps all the way into her soul. Konan's grip on him loosened. "The author," she whispered. "The story." Hidan felt something connect. He'd tried to make everything he said sound familiar. Now, she did that herself. "Madara…was never anything more than an avatar of the author. Everything I feel about the author, I should feel about him too."

Hidan gagged. "Ugh," he said, sticking his tongue out. "Who makes an avatar like that? At least give him a fancy hair color or a cool weapon or something."

Konan's fingers tightened viciously, digging into his skin. He winced. But he tolerated the pain, because it was a good sign. She was not digging her fingers in out of desperation, but rather anger. "I hate that man," she said. Her voice was firm, her body strong, her soul channeling all the things it should be channeling. Hidan grinned. "Whoever he was and wherever he is, I hope he rots in Hell. He created us all for a book, for money and fame, and used us violently before abandoning us. Nobody should do such a thing to their creation. It is against every moral instinct that any decent person has. I hate him, I spit on him, and I turn away from him. I'm glad that I am no longer in that world. I'm glad to be in this one. I am glad to have…been adopted…by someone kinder." Hidan could hardly hear her last word. Her voice was dropping to inaudible again. But it was a good sign. She was not losing her breath because of fear, but rather sadness. She lowered her face into his shoulder. He felt her shake as she cried.

Tears came to his eyes too. Her sadness set off his own. Even if he teleported to the middle of the woods right then, he would still continue to mourn and grieve, because deep down he felt the same way she did. I had to run away. Whoever my parents were, they didn't protect me. I've had to trust the universe to look out for me because I couldn't trust a specific person to do it. I've never had a person to care about me, care for me. I've never had parents. I had to fucking raise myself. He buried his face in her shoulder, too. I'm also happy to be adopted. Even if I can't ever see or hug them, even so, it's different to have a bunch of gods and forces and shit making things happen for you versus having a person make things happen for you. Knowing that the stuff that happens to me isn't impersonal, that it's intentional, that someone wanted it to be that way, it feels so damn good. He remembered how angry it had made the group to learn that all the bad things that they had experienced were intentional. Now he understood. Intention makes all the fucking difference.

Eventually, they both ran out of tears. When her breath was steady enough, Konan released the hug. They looked at each other. Her makeup was smudged and her face reddened, but she didn't seem to mind. "It's really going to be different," she said. "I really don't have to worry about my past returning to haunt me." She was trying to make herself believe that. She needed a push.

"Look around," Hidan told her.

They looked around. Green leaves glistened in golden sunlight underneath a sky where clouds neatly ringed the horizon, but none drifted overhead. Konan gasped. "I was wrong. This is Heaven after all."

"What are you talking about?"

"When I first woke up in this world, it was so dreary. I remember thinking…" She smiled. "I can tell you more about that later. For now, a single sentence should suffice. I woke up among the abandoned houses. I remember thinking that if this was Heaven, it must be as derelict as those buildings."

Hidan understood. He smiled back. "It's not. It's not abandoned at all."

Konan continued to stare out at the beautiful forest under the beautiful sky. She looked perfectly serene. "Now this is more like it."

Nagato

The woman that Jiraiya had brought was reluctant to leave. She had taken a liking to Nagato. After nursing a hangover for a substantial portion of the morning, she looked at him and Jiraiya sitting together and sighed. "It is only a weekend," she said. "Perhaps…"

Nagato's eyes bulged. "Oh God!" he exclaimed in horror. "I was so out of it yesterday that I forgot to tell her I wouldn't be there. Oh God. Jiraiya -" Jiraiya was already putting his phone in Nagato's hand. Nagato called Hidan immediately. At that point, Hidan was on his way to vampire territory. He apologized if he sounded distant, explained that he had something on his mind, and said he would add Jiraiya's number to the group chat. He did not know if Jiraiya could be removed from the group chat or if the older man would want to be, but he was not going to turn around just to get Nagato's phone. Nagato sent a message through the group chat explaining that Jiraiya had been added, this was his phone, Nagato was the one currently speaking, and could someone please get his phone and call Marsha to tell her what had happened? Or bring his phone to him? Or something? Nagato was panicking, and all he wanted was Something! Anything! Right away! He tried not to let that show in the chat.

When he was done typing, Jiraiya put a hand on his back. "Who do you need to get in touch with? Someone who'll kill you or arrest you for not keeping a single promise?"

"No, worse," Nagato said. "She's like a mother to me."

Jiraiya had been joking. Now he got serious. "Oh."

"She must have been so worried when I didn't show, didn't call, didn't anything. Oh God. I hope she doesn't think I'm dead. I hope she didn't do anything extreme looking for me." Nagato whimpered.

The woman kept him occupied with discussion of his job, of Marsha, of whatever she could get him to talk about. Nagato told her all about Goldeneye and Jonesy and Tipsy. Jiraiya laughed at the comparisons Nagato made between those dogs and his friends, but they both took him seriously and listened. Nagato felt pretty good when Jiraiya's phone rang. He picked it up. The number seemed familiar, but he couldn't instantly place it.

He answered. "Hello?"

"There you are!"

He nearly fell over. It's her. "Y-yeah. Wh - what…?" She doesn't like using her cellphone too much.

"Just because I'm a Luddite doesn't mean I'm stupid," she said. "Your papa's is a phone number worth keeping. Now, how are you, dear?"

Nagato's eyes filled with tears. "I'm so sorry. I wasn't thinking -"

"It's okay. I figured things out," she said. "Jonesy's doing well with the training. He's starting to play better with the other dogs - less tripping, for one. Golden, miracle of miracles, hasn't picked up any new fleas yet. Lilac got a visit from the groomer yesterday, and she was a well-behaved little girl. Mosey has some people interested in adopting him. If all's well with the paperwork, these will be our last two weeks with him. Whisper missed your sister; have that girl come by next week. Better yet, bring her a copy of the paperwork."

Nagato chuckled. She sounds okay. As if she's not worried about all. "Thanks for the news. I think I'm gonna have to pass on that last one for now, though."

Marsha tsk'ed. "If you wait too long, someone else might snatch him up, and I won't have a good reason to refuse. The poor dog's heart will be broken."

"...Good point. Maybe we can get a friend to adopt him."

"Now, what's going on? You've been giving me vague excuses for a while, and I let you because it didn't seem that bad. But as of yesterday, it's bad. I need to know."

Nagato's heart pounded. Oh, no. If I can't resolve my problems easily, is she going to fire me? "I…I hardly know where to start."

"I have an appointment to get my nails done in half an hour. Start somewhere."

Nagato looked at Jiraiya and the woman for help. The woman pointed at Jiraiya. Jiraiya mimed a hug. Start with the things I was thinking about this morning that made me want to go to him? Sure, why not. "Well… When I was young, my parents died in a horrible accident. I thought when I made a friend and Jiraiya took us both in that I'd recovered from that, but apparently not. It seems like the trauma just went underground and it's been messing with my relationships. I've been trying to revise my relationships, but…" I yelled at Yahiko. "It's too far underground. I think I need to put all my relationships on hold, root it out once and for all, then reestablish my entire life from the ground up." He paused, unable and unwilling to say the next part out loud. I don't know how long that will take.

"You need a vacation," Marsha summarized.

He tried to respond, but could only squeak.

"I remade my life once too. I get it. I'll give you as much vacation time as I can. Good thing this happened on the weekend."

She what now? Nagato blinked. "Oh. Um. I - I guess I'll, um, text you when I have my own phone back. Thank you?"

"Good luck with it, dear."

"...Have a nice time at your nail appointment?"

She hung up. Nagato lowered his hand and stared off into space. She had to do this too? Jiraiya eventually prodded him. He surfaced from his thoughts long enough to hand the phone back. I'm not alone.

Part of what the demon boy had said made sense all of a sudden. Kings were unique, special, set apart. Nagato had believed himself to be as well. Learning that he was not alone made that belief seem phony, which was just what the demon boy had called it. If only I'd been honest, I could have learned that I wasn't alone a long time ago.

He turned to Jiraiya. He had told Jiraiya the vaguest, barest bones of his problem. Now it was time to dig into the details. He was ready to.

Deidara

Deidara was not at the base. He spent his morning flying around just because he wanted to. He came back around midday to snag a brownie and get ready for work. He prepared a lunch, figured he had time to kill, and looked around for some of this cuddling that everyone else was getting. Itachi had left to play music for the demon boy, and Kisame and Kakuzu sparred in the backyard. That left only a few people that he could ask.

He ended up relaxing with Samehada and Sasori. Laurie had her own plans for the day, so she had already left. They sat on the lobby floor. Samehada crawled into Deidara's lap and rumbled when he scratched near her dorsal fin. Sasori didn't say anything. His face looked extra blank.

"I've only got about 20 minutes," Deidara regretfully informed them. "Got a shift today, hm."

"That's too bad," Sasori said. "Today is a day for personal pursuits, not work."

"Yeah, well, the schedule was made a week ago, yeah."

"If only…" Sasori seemed to be thinking. "If the concept of work and its relationship to the rest of one's life could be different…"

Deidara yawned. Samehada's weight felt very nice. "It's nice to meet people, though. Hey Sammy, I'm going to go off to put things on shelves so that people can find what they're looking for. If I meet someone who's looking for something, I get to help them. Basically I just move around constantly organizing stuff and sometimes I help people. It's nice, but it all happens indoors, yeah."

Samehada whined. "In weather like this?" Sasori asked. "You poor, sad creature."

"Yeah, well… A week ago."

"Why here?" Sasori asked. "If the purpose of this world is to be convenient, to help us, then why do harsh and unhelpful rules from the outside world exist even here?"

"Well, it's just how jobs work, yeah," Deidara said. "How else would they work? I mean, this place has to resemble the real world, yeah. This place would have to look like a fantasy world in order for jobs to work any differently."

"It is a fantasy world, real-world appearance or not," Sasori said. "Workweeks don't have to be a thing. Schedules don't have to be a thing. At the very least, we could live in a town where every business has an unusual policy allowing you to take personal time on the spot without advanced notice. Why don't we?"

"That sounds too convenient. That's just ridiculous. If it was like that we wouldn't have any challenges to face at all, yeah."

"Hmm. That makes sense." Sasori sighed. "I don't really have a problem with your work schedule, Deidara. I just want Samehada to be in my lap."

The shark squealed in excitement and immediately moved. Deidara's jaw fell open. Samehada crawled into Sasori's lap, wiggled for a comfortable position, then rumbled happily. Sasori's brow furrowed. He had to adjust himself before he was comfortable. Samehada happily cooperated. They ended up sitting together with Sasori's back against the desk and his legs extended straight out, the same position that Itachi had been in. Sasori patted her scales while Samehada waved her tail happily.

"Who are you and what have you done with Sasori?" Deidara asked.

Sasori looked up at him, perfectly calm. "Haven't you noticed? My character arc is one of feeling less mechanical and more human, connecting with my human needs. I am becoming curious about cuddling."

"But I thought you were fine the way you were."

"I was." Sasori touched the pointy end of one of Samehada's scales just to see what it felt like. "But who wants to be just fine?" It sounded like he was saying something very meaningful and important, but Deidara didn't understand. Sasori rephrased. "I could live that way. But did I want to?"

"Well…" Deidara began to sweat. I don't understand. It feels like he's saying something just beyond my hearing, yeah. I can't quite reach it.

"What the hell happened to you?"

Deidara blinked. "What?"

Sasori frowned. "You used to be a kid who knew what you loved and wanted to do as much of it as you could, wanted to show it to others, without regard for consequences. But now, all you think of is duty and roles. What you have to do, not what you want to do. What happened to you, Dei? How did you forget that the purpose of life is to be happy?"

Deidara's heart pounded. He didn't like that question. He didn't want to answer it. He turned away from his best friend. Barked commands and crying whimpers, pain-stricken moans and looks of disgust came to mind in flickering visions that made him briefly unsure of where he was.

He came to when Samehada started licking his face. "Good shark," Sasori said. "Your time in the army really screwed you up, didn't it?"

Deidara pushed Samehada away. "I - I don't want to talk about it. Yeah."

He expected that that would be the end of it. He expected that everything would go back to normal. So he was caught off guard when Sasori's hand fell on his shoulder. "You're really ruining the vibe here," Sasori told him before giving him a hug. Sasori was kneeling at his right side, so Deidara found his head pressed up against Sasori's chest. He heard a heartbeat. His breath caught in his throat. Holy shit. He closed his eyes. Part of him wanted to push away and part of him wanted to sink in. He ended up tensing, doing neither.

Sasori released him shortly. "Is it alright if I talk to Hidan?"

Deidara blinked rapidly. He didn't know what to do, so he did nothing at all.

"I'm going to assume the answer's yes."

Deidara remembered to sit up straight. His arms shook as he did so. "I… I'm dangerous."

"Join the club. Oh wait, you already did."

"I shouldn't…"

Samehada licked his cheek.

"I can't just do whatever I want. I can't. I'm not supposed to, and nobody would appreciate it, and -"

"That's a big bald-faced lie," Sasori snapped.

"You don't know what it was like out there, man."

"It's not like that here."

"Who the fuck cares?"

Sasori stood up. "The mood is officially murdered. I'm going to get more brownies. Maybe enough chocolate can resuscitate it." He left. Samehada licked Deidara's cheek and rumbled soothingly. Deidara turned his face away. He didn't want it. Any of it. Not desserts, not hugs, not comfort of any kind.

He left for work in a sour, antisocial mood. He wanted to just do his job. Pack up his mind, pack up his heart, and enjoy drifting for a while, his body being steered around by the demands of others while his thoughts and feelings nestled safe inside, untouched. He didn't want to feel or think. He didn't want to unpack. He didn't want to un-nestle. He didn't want to… Anything. I don't want anything. Why the fuck did he have to ask that?

By the time he landed in the parking lot of the department store, he realized he was lying to himself. There was one thing that he wanted. He wanted to hear someone's heartbeat and feel their arms around his shoulders. He wanted to sink in, give up, lie in their lap like a giant infant. He wanted someone to care about him and tell him he was going to be alright.

But he was scheduled to work.

Deidara closed his eyes and pushed away the memory of being held. It reminded him of other moments where Sasori had been kind to him. He pushed away those memories, too. He packed up everything. As he walked in the door, he stifled a yawn. He was already tired.

Despite his efforts, a single thought whispered to him. It was a quiet, determined whisper. I hate this. And behind him, a blue jay landed on Clay's head. It folded and refolded its wings, chirped, and began to sing.

.

A/N: Sasori's question deserves revisiting, and it will get that at some point in this story. It's true that the characters need challenges to face. But why are the challenges so bland, standardized and hollow? And ultimately, illusory? Why did all the employed characters at the beginning of this fic get slapped with the same 9 to 5 Monday to Friday work schedule with zero variation? Why are all the characters that don't have romance arcs allegedly straight? (I say allegedly because, as you've probably noticed, I don't know and therefore can't write how straight people live. In practice, they behave like they're asexual.) Why are all the characters that don't have gender-related concerns automatically cis?

So. Many. Parts of this setting only exist because I thought, "This is how adult people are supposed to live, right? This is normal? I must write something believable. It must be accurate to the real world. I must obey realism. I can't be too out-there." And yes. I hate that.

Screw this.