Chapter One
As Marella got into the taxi that would take her to her new life, she felt weird. But like, a better word. Most of all, it was concerning to her that she didn't know how to describe this weirdness, that she didn't have a pretty way of putting it. She was going to be an American Studies major at a top research university, but how could she focus on any of this when she still couldn't face her own history?
The emotional goodbyes she had shared with her parents had been especially hard because of her mom's condition. At home, she'd had to be a primary caretaker for her mom, which meant her own needs had been largely shoved aside. Caprise Redek was a veteran who'd emerged from overseas with PTSD and a traumatic brain injury, and when she wasn't drinking away her troubles, it was Marella she relied on for comfort.
When things at home got too difficult, her friend Linh had been a safe haven. They met in high school, during freshman year health class, and their snickering over diagrams of the body quickly turned into having deep conversations when the health teacher Mr. Craig started the mental health unit off with the song "If You're Happy And You Know It." Marella had also definitely noticed how Linh had rolled her eyes when the health teacher sped through the LGBT part of the reproductive health unit. She'd also noticed other things: the curve of Linh's face when she smiled, how her eyes twinkled when she was being a little devious, and the rainbow pattern she'd used on the slideshow they made together.
But then Keefe, a teenage boy with an ego bigger than his luscious locks, seemingly fell out of the sky. He was charismatic, attractive even. Marella was jealous of the way he spun his trauma into mystique. Hers seemed to burn around her, a fire she couldn't control and one that she knew would eventually consume the people around her.
Linh seemed to think so too. The summer before sophomore year, she dyed her hair with silver streaks that seemed to scream notice me. She dragged Marella bikini shopping with her, pestering Marella to confirm that she looked perfect. But Marella knew Linh didn't care what she thought. That summer, when they went to California for the first time, Linh's attention was clearly elsewhere. Awkwardly averting her eyes from Marella's ugly swimsuit, she nestled closer to Keefe, whispering secrets to him. At least, Marella hoped that was all she was whispering. Linh seemed so comfortable somehow, a comfort Marella had never felt with guys. She was into them, sure, but couldn't imagine caring for them the way she cared for her friends.
Marella would've stayed there forever, standing a distance apart and admiring how at home Linh looked in the water, but the day before their flight home, Keefe casually mentioned a veteran support group that he thought could help Caprise with her PTSD. Marella, feeling her face heat up, stalked away immediately. She couldn't believe Linh had betrayed her secret. And she'd been so stupid as to think… well, it didn't matter what she'd thought.
In the cool of the California night, she had wandered onto UC Berkeley's campus. It was beautiful, the sort of place she could imagine a different version of herself. A stronger one. One who looked good in a bikini and collected boys like pretty seashells. One who had never, ever been in love with Linh Song.