The sight of her knocked the air out of his lungs.
It had been almost two weeks since Cody had last seen Sky - in school, during the lunch break, smiling at him from her table as if it was just like any other day, as if it wasn't the last time he saw her - and during this time one thing had become painfully clear to him.
He couldn't live without her.
Finding out where she was, getting a fake ID and a fake visitor's permit form, and forging Dr. O'brian's signature on it, had been natural consequences of that realization.
If he didn't have her, he would die. What was faking a couple of documents to get to her? Nothing. He had been willing to sell drugs to get enough money to go to an acting school - this was no different. In order to get big gains, you had to be willing to take big risks.
Still, he could barely believe it had worked. Seeing Sky sitting on her bed, looking absolutely breathtaking in her comfy sweats and a loose band T-shirt, Cody almost lost the gift of speech - and by God, he was sure his emotion was there for all to see, that it was written all over his face, there was no way he could hide this, there was no way this nurse or that skinny boy with neon hair would believe he was Sky's brother because brothers sure as Hell didn't look at their sisters this way.
"Oh my God," Sky gasped, and her eyes widened. "Cody–!"
And just like that she was on her feet, rushing to him and he caught her as she threw herself to his arms, a whirlwind of soft, heavenly curves, red hair, and girly scent of vanilla.
The emotion that filled Cody's chest made him almost choke. It was a struggle to keep that embrace innocent and brotherly when every instinct he had told him to bury his fingers in her hair and to kiss her, kiss her senseless, press her against that wall, and have her—
Jesus Christ, keep your shit together—
"Hey, Sky," he breathed as he let her go. "I'm here. I'm sorry it took me so long."
"I— I can't believe you're here!" Sky laughed, her hand lingering on his forearm. "God, I missed you!"
The nurse, who was still standing next to them, gave a wide, friendly smile. "As I said, it's past visiting hours, so only one hour, okay? You need to be out by 9, Cody."
"Sure," Cody nodded. "No problem. Thank you, Nurse Rivera, I truly appreciate the help."
The nurse turned to leave. "It's quite alright. Come now, Luke, let's give them some privacy."
"Sure, privacy, why not?" The neon-haired boy smirked as he stood up, and from the look on his face, Cody realized he wasn't fooled by this plot.
For a short moment, jealousy pierced Cody's heart - maybe this was Sky's new boyfriend? After all, Cody knew he was nothing to her, barely even her friend. Maybe he had been a fool to think that she even wanted to see him, maybe she had moved on from Hawk - but not to Cody, but to someone else, to this skinny boy with dark shadows under his eyes and an edgy smile.
But the boy left without another word, and if Sky had feelings for him, then at least she didn't let it show. Cody silenced that nagging jealousy - it was fucking stupid, he knew it was. As if he had any right to be jealous of her when things were like they were.
"You look– different," he breathed, as soon as Sky closed the door and they were alone.
"I know, I didn't pack any makeup–" she grimaced. "Sorry, I know I look like crap."
"That's— not what I meant. You look beautiful."
It was true. Sobriety looked good on her. Gone was the drowsiness, the cloudy look in her eyes, the slowness of her movements. Her eyes were bright, her cheeks flushed, her skin clear. She looked fiercely alive, and with a shock, Cody realized he had only ever seen her drunk or high or hungover, that what he had thought was the real her, had been nothing but a shadow.
"I'm sorry— just coming here like this," he said, a bit breathless. "I had to see you. God, I've been so worried— and I know I should have just waited for you to write me back, but I couldn't. I had to see if you're alright–"
Her eyes grew dark, the look in them changed. Suddenly there was something desperate, almost hungry in the way she looked at him, and for the shortest moment Cody thought that it was because she wanted him, that she loved him, and that the time they had spent apart had made her realize that, but—
She laid her hands on his arms, her grip was intense. "Cody, did you— please, did you bring me something? Anything–"
His heart broke.
It wasn't him she wanted. It never would be.
Letting out a strangled breath, he took a step back. "Sky, come on. No, I didn't—"
"But you have something, I know you do, you always do—"
Her hands were on his chest, she was desperate, begging, and Cody loathed himself more than he had ever done before. This is my fault. I did this to her. That thought was so heavy he could barely take it.
"I told you, I'm not selling to you anymore," he forced the words out of his mouth. "I never should have done that in the first place."
She took a shaky inhale, her eyes widened - and it was as if she only now realized what she had said, and horrified by it, she took a step back and started sobbing. She broke down completely, just like that night in his backyard after he had said to her the words he didn't even want to remember, and his heart broke for her. It shattered to pieces because she was suffering, and it was his fault, and he knew he didn't deserve her love, but couldn't help but want it anyways.
"Sky, I'm sorry—" he breathed, and pulled her close, tight against his chest, wrapping his arms around her as if it was the most natural thing in the whole world. "I'm so fucking sorry—"
She kept sobbing, almost violently, her tears soaking his T-shirt as she pressed her face against his shoulder, and her breathing was hot on his skin, it sent shivers through his spine.
"I'm sorry I gave you the drugs. I wish I'd never done that. I'm so sorry," His voice was breaking. She was so small in his arms, so fragile. Her fingers gripped the back of his shirt and with every inhale the salty scent of her tears filled his senses. "I'm sorry that this happened to you. I'm sorry that everything seems so hard right now. But it's gonna get better. I promise."
Her breathing came in shaky inhales, she was trembling in his arms. He held her close, his hand caressing her shoulders, her back, trying to soothe her, but she just kept sobbing, those pained, ragged sobs tearing wounds in Cody's heart.
"I'm here. I'm here for you. Ask me anything and I'll do it. Anything but drugs. Anything else."
He kissed the top of her head, her hair, and when she brought her face up to look at him, he kissed her brow, and her cheeks too, cupped her face with his hands, and wiped away her tears. As always, her closeness was making his pulse skyrocket, he could feel his body reacting to her as if she was a magnet and he was iron. The pull to be closer to her, was irresistible, it was killing him, fucking killing him, because what if she didn't want him anymore? What if the only reason she had ever wanted him, was that she'd been high or drunk every time they had kissed or had sex? Or what if she hadn't really wanted him even then, what if what that bastard had said, was true–
Shut your mouth! She fucking loves me– She'll never love you the way she loves me! I bet she's thinking about me when you fuck her!
Those words were a knife in the heart. Even at this moment, they caused such pain that he could barely contain it.
If that was true—
It would kill him. It would rip him into pieces.
But Sky had stopped crying, and she was so close to him, her chest rising and falling with rapid breaths as his lips brushed her cheek, her temple. She leaned into his touch as if she was a flower that turned towards the sunlight, and maybe, maybe it wasn't just his heart that was bursting. His hands came down on her shoulders and he clamped his mouth over hers, unable to hold himself back anymore. Her slender body pressed tightly against his own, her fingers gripped the back of his neck, his hair, wanting more, and he couldn't help but drown in that kiss, and oh, how her lips opened to him, the insides of her mouth were soft and hot, oh, she tasted like cherry lip gloss and tears, so sweet, so intoxicating, and oh, oh God, he had never wanted her more than at this moment, he had never wanted any girl as badly as he wanted her.
"Sky—" he moaned in the kiss, his fingers running down her back. "Sky, oh, Sky, I missed you—"
She kissed him harder, almost desperately, her tongue finding his - and then her hands were on the waistband of his jeans, and his breath hitched in his throat as she greedily gripped the belt buckle and started opening it, her lips never leaving his.
"Wait, wait—" he groaned, forcing himself to break the kiss.
"What–?" she asked, flushed and breathless, tears still shimmering in her eyes. "Don't you want to–?"
"Of course, I want to. I just–"
She'll never love you the way she loves me! I bet she's thinking about me when you fuck her!
A pained groan left his lips. "It's just… Do you— do you really want— me?"
"Yes!" She breathed, tugging at his T-shirt, pushing her hands up under the fabric. She shimmied her palms up his bare chest and something was fluttering in Cody's belly when her fingers moved back to the belt buckle. He didn't want to resist, he didn't want to stop, even if this was breaking him in a thousand pieces. He had said anything, that she could ask anything from him. She could have asked for the moon in the sky, and he would have gotten it for her - but this was what she was asking, so how could he tell her no?
So he let her kiss him again, and her fingers were opening his belt, the buttons of his jeans, and he couldn't help the whine that left his lips into her mouth as she pushed him down onto her bed. Greedily he pulled her with him, drawing her to his lap as he sat down leaning his back against the wall, kissing her, kissing her endlessly while her fingers worked on the buttons of his jeans—
He was hard already - how could he not be? He fucking loved her, loved everything about her, and even if there was such sadness in his unrequited love, there was joy too - because to love someone is the purest form of happiness. To have her near, to have her in his lap, kissing him as if she wanted him too, as if this wasn't just his dream, but something that was really happening - God, how much he had missed this, he had barely been alive without her.
"Oh my God, Sky–" he moaned, when she broke the kiss and her lips moved to his neck, sucking on the tender skin under his ear. "Jesus Christ—"
She grinned against his neck, her hot breathing sent shivers through his spine, as her hands moved to his abdomen, to his chest, pushing up his T-shirt as if she couldn't get enough of touching him. His jeans were opened, but his rock-hard dick was still in the agony of his underwear - and when she lowered her weight on him, he couldn't help the silent curses and groans that started falling off his lips.
"That's right—" he murmured, his eyes half closing in bliss. "Touch me, do what you want— fucking anything—"
"Anything?" She circled her hips on him, making him see stars.
"Any– fucking– thing–!" he could barely speak. "I'm yours—"
That sentence was cut in half as someone said: "I can hear you guys, you might wanna keep it down."
Sky froze on top of him, then burst out in giggles and slammed her palm against the wall.
"Luke! Go take a fucking walk!"
"Jesus Christ," Cody muttered. "He heard everything?"
"Yeah I heard everything, jeez—" Luke replied through the wall, sounding annoyed. "And I'm sure as Hell taking a walk, but guys, if I can hear you so might someone else, so for fuck's sake keep it down or everyone's gonna think you're some sick and twisted siblings."
"Noted," groaned Cody, slightly bitter and out of breath. Sky was still sitting on his lap, her thighs on both sides of his hips, and his erection was pressed against her in a way that made it impossible to think about anything else. But - at least that dude wasn't Sky's boyfriend, that much was clear.
He looked up at Sky, at her parted lips, her flushed cheeks - and God, he wanted nothing more than to rip off her sweats and throw her down on the bed and make love to her so fucking slow and sweet that she cried out his name for hours, so that the whole fucking world heard how good he was to her, but—
"Your friend– he has a point. Maybe we should stop," he forced the words out of his mouth.
"I don't wanna stop," Sky sighed, her lips almost touching his. Her breasts were squeezed against his chest and he could feel she didn't have a bra under that T-shirt - and his hands had a will of their own, they moved to her waist, shimmied under her shirt and up her ribs, finding her breasts—
"Every fucking thing is forbidden here—" Sky breathed, her voice husky and raw. "And I don't mean just the drugs. I would fucking kill for a drink, or a smoke, or a cup of coffee, or a chocolate bar, Jesus— So please, don't tell me I can't have this one thing that would make me feel better!"
He swallowed hard - his palms were cupping her soft, supple breasts, her eyes were wide and dark with lust, and he knew he would give her anything she asked for, he would let her have him any way she wanted to, he would give her his soul and his heart and his body, because she owned him already, even if she didn't know it.
"Then take me. I'm yours," he groaned, almost following it with "I love you", barely managing to stop those words in time.
As her mouth crashed to his, Cody knew he would have to tell her soon. He had almost done it in his letter already, and it was becoming impossible to hide. But not now, not today - he told himself he would do it when she was better, when she got out of here, then he would tell her—
But Fuck it, succumbing completely to her kisses, he didn't even care if she realized how he felt about her. He couldn't hide it, it was fucking impossible. His hands that gripped her skin said I love you, his lips that devoured hers told I love you, the breathless moans he made were cries that said I love you, I love you, I love you. He wanted to shout it out to the world, so fuck it all, fuck everything, let her see his heart, let her guess his emotion, he wouldn't deny it if she asked.
They were both impatient, almost greedy. Her hands pushed down his jeans and his underwear, his fingers were clumsy and trembling as he searched for a condom (there was one in his wallet). She left his lap only to kick off her sweats and her panties, and then she was back on top of him, still wearing her oversized band T-shirt, but Cody pushed it up and kissed her breasts, licked her nipples and sucked on them hard because he remembered she loved it—
"Ohmygod—" she moaned, her fingers gripping his hair as he buried his face in her chest. "Please—"
But he had to stop doing that, she was getting too loud. The last thing he wanted was someone bursting through that door and interrupting them.
"Quiet, babe—"
Her only answer was to kiss him hard. She was rocking her body against his, his dick was sliding between the folds of her sweet, wet pussy, rubbing against her clit, and breathless moans escaped from her mouth into his.
"Is that good? Or you want it in?" he groaned, trying to keep his voice low as he broke the kiss.
"I want it—"
She ripped open the tin foil wrapper, and her hands trembling, impatient, she rolled the condom on him. Her touch on his dick was Heaven on Earth, Cody felt like his heart would burst out of his chest, so fucking hard it was beating against his ribs.
He couldn't help the low moan that left his lips as she wrapped her arms around his neck. Guiding his tip to her entrance, she started lowering her weight on him, and she was so fucking tight, he could barely fit inside of her now that he hadn't even done anything to properly prep her—
Her voice was strangled, weak. "Shit, Cody—"
"Hey, no rush—" he laid his hands on her hips, fighting the urge to buck up his hips and push deep into that slick heat. "Take it— as slow as you need."
But she only took a couple of heartbeats to adjust, then started moving, rocking against him, taking him deeper with every sway of her hips. She was biting her lip to keep quiet, her eyes were screwed shut, and he could see the bliss she felt, the pleasure, he breathed it in like it was a fucking drug—
She'll never love you the way she loves me! I bet she's thinking about me when you fuck her!
A knife in the heart. If she was indeed thinking about Hawk now—
No, he didn't even want to know, he couldn't take it if it was true.
"Sky, look at me—" he groaned, his gaze searching her flushed face, and she opened her dark, lust-filled eyes.
"So good—" she whimpered, her body trembling in his arms. "Cody— You feel so fucking good, your dick is so fucking perfect, ohmygod, it's so fucking big—"
"Oh God—" he breathed as silently as he could. The bed was creaking softly under them as she fucked him harder, and that sound was too loud in his ears, her moans were getting louder too, someone was going to hear them—
"Quiet babe—" he growled. "Gotta keep quiet—"
"I can't— I can't— too good—" she was almost sobbing, her hips were moving fast now and Cody could feel the tightening of her burning walls around his dick, the sign that she was getting close.
He brought a hand to her nape and pulled her into another kiss, muffling the moans and sighs she was unable to control. His grip on her neck was hard, the fingers of his other hand were buried into the soft skin of her hip. This was Heaven, Heaven on Earth. She wanted him, it wasn't a dream, it wasn't a lie, she needed him inside of her, she needed him just as badly as he needed her, she was pushing him down on the bed and having her way with him, and God, he wasn't usually the submissive one in bed, but fucking Hell, he would let her take him like this every day if she wanted to.
"Cody, Oh fuck, Cody—!" she broke the kiss and whined his name in ecstasy, her lips touching his, and at that moment he knew - she wasn't thinking about Hawk, no matter what that asshole had said - she was thinking about him, she wanted him, she was fucking coming on his cock—
"That's right—" he growled, his voice barely more than a low whisper, "Fuck me, baby, fuck me, I'm yours, take me—"
She climaxed, his name dropping off her trembling lips like a spell, her thighs cramping on both sides of his hips as the bliss engulfed her. And he wanted nothing more than to admire that sight, she was beautiful, perfect, he wanted to look at the way she was coming apart on his cock, but Jesus Christ the pulse of her insides was the thing that pushed him over the edge and he couldn't do anything to stop it.
"Sky—" his voice was strangled, broken. "Sky—!"
His fingers dug deep into the soft curves of her ass as he came, giving her everything he had. His legs were trembling, the bliss knocked the air out of his lungs and left him gasping - his heart was bursting through his chest, he would die, die here in her arms—
And he would die happy.
"Cody—" he heard her voice through the ringing of his ears, and with shaking hands he pulled her into a kiss, fingers gripping hard on the back of her neck, as her hair fell around their faces in a vanilla-scented veil.
They were both shivering, breathless, sweaty, the kiss was deep and slow and Cody was in Heaven. It was no bed under them, this wasn't a room in a rehab center. They were lying on a cloud, he had died and gone to paradise.
But she broke the kiss, and as she rose from his lap, his condom-covered dick slid off her, and it was over. He felt that dream cracking, as fear and doubt replaced it. Fear that this was the last time, that this would never happen again, that he was a fool to think she would ever love him. She was just using him, and he was an idiot to believe that would ever change.
He turned his eyes away from her, to hide that sudden sadness. As she searched for her clothes and quickly got dressed, he removed the condom and asked: "Is there a bathroom?"
"Yeah, down the hall," she replied, glancing at him over her shoulder with a small smile. "There's one for boys, on the left side. But since Luke is the only boy who has a room on this wing, there shouldn't be anyone in there right now. "
He pulled up his pants, and quietly slipped out of the room, the sadness creeping up on him and clenching his chest like vines.
When he returned to her room a couple of minutes later, he found her lying on the bed, reading the pages of A Little Life he had sent her in his letter. There was a look of concentration on her face, one that broke and melted into a smile when she noticed he had returned.
"You like the book?" he asked, taking a seat on the bed next to her.
"Too early to tell." She shrugged and tossed the papers onto the nightstand. "Seems complicated."
"If you do, tell me. I can send you more. Or… bring it, if you want me to visit you again?"
She reached a hand to touch him, her fingers slid down his arm, then gripped his hand and entwined with his.
"Would you want to visit me again?"
He swallowed hard. There was something in her voice, a question behind a question, as if she was giving him an opportunity to speak his mind. But he couldn't, not now, maybe not ever. He knew she was using him - but so fucking what? So fucking what that his heart was breaking - he still got to be with her, to hold her hand in the bed after sex. There were worse fates than this.
"I… would love to. If you let me," he said silently, looking at their hands, their entwined fingers. Her hand was so small in his, a bit cold as always.
"Come here," she said and made room for him, and as he lay down on the bed, she curled up next to him, resting her head on his shoulder filling his heart with bittersweet longing.
"How did you find me?" she asked after a short silence. "I thought no one knew where Dad had sent me."
Cody ran his fingers through her hair and let out a soft sigh. "It took some… detective work."
"Like what?"
He wondered how much to tell her. Should he tell her that her absence had almost driven him mad, that he had been willing to do anything to find her? That he had even gone as far as to consider attaching a tracking device on Dr. O'Brian's car so that he could follow his route? Or that he had spent hours on the phone, pretending to be a doctor or a social worker or a psychologist, calling through all the fucking rehab centers of the West Coast until finally, he had managed to find her?
He suspected Sky would think he was a stalker and a creep if he told that, so he simply said: "I made a few phone calls."
"And they just told you I was here?"
"I got lucky," he murmured, pressing a kiss on her temple, his fingers still playing with her curls. "How much time do we have?"
"Maybe like ten minutes," Sky sighed. A moment of silence followed, and then she continued: "How did you make them believe you're my brother?"
Cody let out a sigh. He had hoped she wouldn't ask, but she had, and he wasn't going to lie about it. He turned so that he could pull his wallet from the back pocket of his jeans, flipped it open, took the fake ID, and passed it to her.
"I swear, I was going to get a new fake ID anyways you know, for business," he explained, feeling how his cheeks heated. "So please, don't think that I'm a creep."
"Cody O'Brian—" Sky giggled as she eyed the ID. "Oh my God, it's almost like we're married."
Cody's heart gave a slow, heavy thump. He had to clear his throat to be able to answer jokingly. "So I'm taking your last name, then?"
Sky let out a husky laugh. "Obviously. O'Brian is a way cooler name. Besides, Sky Bishop sounds stupid."
Sky Bishop. To him, it didn't sound stupid at all. It sent shivers through his spine, it made his heart beat a bit faster. Pathetic. He was getting turned on again, thinking about that - about proposing to her, she would say yes, of course, in his dreams, she always said yes. He would get her the most beautiful ring - whatever she desired - and she would be so happy—
God, she would look so pretty in a wedding dress.
Pathetic! Jesus, I have to stop thinking about this—
But he was going to be 18 in a couple of months, old enough to marry, and she was only a year younger. A lot could happen in a year. She could fall in love with him. It was possible. He had to have hope, no matter how fragile, because without hope— well, there was no point in anything, really. He already knew he would never love anyone else, that Sky was his one and only, she was the Kathrine to his Heatchliff, and if she never loved him back, it would drive him mad - no, worse - it would kill him.
The emotion got stuck in his throat, forming a tight lump that was choking him. He was grateful that they were lying in such a position that she couldn't see his face.
"Thank you—" Sky said in a silent voice and passed the card back to him. "I mean, yeah, that's a bit extreme, but… But you did it for me. So, thank you. I'm really glad you're here."
"I'm glad I'm here too," he sighed and placed a kiss on top of her head.
"And - thanks for the letter too. I mean, everyone else sent me these short notes or postcards, but you— your letter was beautiful. I— I know I seem ungrateful, but I'm really not. I appreciate it, everything you've done for me—"
"Hey, you did the same for me, remember? When I'd been beaten up—"
"That was different. What happened to you was my fault."
"Well, it's my fault you're here." He couldn't hide the bitterness in his voice, the self-loath.
"It's not your fault. It's not even Hawk's fault that I started using… I— I'll never get better if I don't admit that it was my own fault. No one forced me to do drugs. I did this to myself." She was silent for a while, but Cody sensed she wasn't finished. He didn't interrupt her, just waited silently for her to continue, his fingers softly brushing through her hair. "And I want to get better. I don't… wanna end up like some people here. So— I guess I'm trying to say— thank you for not bringing me more drugs. And whatever I say, please never give them to me again. I– I don't want to die."
Her words twisted his heart. He held her a bit closer as if he could protect her from anything, from the world, from herself, from everything she chose to be afraid of.
"You're not going to die. I won't let you."
She let out a trembling sigh and her body softened against him. He knew their time was almost up. At any moment there would be a knock on the door, the nurse would be back and if she found them in the bed like this, all would be lost. But he was unable to let go of Sky, unable to stop touching her. Just a little while longer, a minute, maybe two.
"Cody?" she asked, her voice nothing but a whisper.
"Yeah?"
"You want to hear something about me, that no one else knows?"