Asking Hawk to sit at their table at lunch had been a massive mistake.

Sky realized that now, of course, now that Cody was gone. He had left so abruptly, almost running away from the cafeteria, had left without a kind word or a quick kiss, and from that Sky knew things were bad.

Yup. That's me. The worst girlfriend ever. I just keep giving and giving.

Causing pain to Cody was the last thing Sky wanted to do, but lately, it seemed to be the only thing she was capable of doing. She was always saying the wrong things, doing the wrong things, and even if she always apologized and even if he always forgave her, it still made her feel like crap.

She just wanted to make him happy. She wanted to do something nice for him. She wanted him to know he was amazing, and that she loved him—

Her heart gave a slow, painful thump at that thought.

She did love Cody. Just… not the way he loved her. But love wasn't black and white, there were so fucking many shades of gray and the whole world of colors in it too, and where her love for Kat had been at the other end of that spectrum - all white and pure and bright and fucking angelic, her love for Hawk had been the other end, deep painful blood red and deepest black that tasted like passion and tears and need. Her love for Cody lay somewhere in between. It had the colors of the rainbow. It made her heart feel light.

At least in the moments when she wasn't fucking everything up by asking her ex-boyfriend to sit at their table. An ex-boyfriend she was still longing for, an ex-boyfriend she still had steamy dreams about, an ex-boyfriend who had beaten her now-boyfriend into a pile of bloody pulp just two months ago.

Sky made a face, tasting the shame and regret on her lips.

Yeah. A massive mistake.

But still, she couldn't stop thinking about it. The way Hawk had been pushing his food around his plate, as if he was unable to swallow a bite. Sky wondered if he'd noticed that she hadn't been eating either. And why the fuck did it even matter? Why the fuck did she care if he ate or not, if he noticed her blushing cheeks, her lacking appetite? Besides, maybe him not eating his food had absolutely nothing to do with how he felt about her, maybe he was just sick, maybe the fries were bad—

Who am I kidding? The fries here always taste like shit. No wonder he didn't wanna eat them.

But the way he had looked at her when she had done her best not to look at him, made her heart beat a bit faster. She had felt his presence, as always when he was near, as an electric current that made something hum in her core. As if they were two halves of a magnet, desperate to be united, to be made whole again.

That made Sky so frustrated she wanted to cry. She wished she had walked away from the table with Cody, they could have been making out in the library at this very moment, and his scent, the touch of his hands would have erased every lingering thought about Hawk from her mind.

Everything was such a mess in her mind. Had been ever since that night when she had gone to Hawk's house and they had talked, sitting side by side on his front steps.

He had said I was with you because I loved you, and those words still kept Sky awake at night, she couldn't help but wonder if he had really meant that, if he had really loved her, if he had felt that blood red, pitch black, passion, tears and need too?

Or had it always been just her, had it all been just in her head, was he still lying to her, but for what?

For what?

I have to stop thinking about this! I fucking have to stop obsessing about my stupid ex and start focusing on Cody.

Angrily Sky tossed away her tray and gripped the straps of her backpack, letting out a tense breath as she made her way out of the cafeteria. She had things to do, places to be, she had the colors of the rainbow in her heart, and a boyfriend to apologize to.

But Cody wasn't in the library, where Sky headed to find him. She walked through every line, checked behind every shelf— but nothing. A weird, heavy feeling spread into her veins. Cody had left without a kiss, his face pale and his jaw tight— and she knew he was upset. So where was he? Had he lied about going to the library?

Sky pulled her phone from the pocket of her hoodie and texted Cody.

I'm sorry

I shouldn't have asked Hawk to sit with us

Where are you?

Is everything okay?

She waited for a moment, but no answer came. The messages weren't even read.

With a worried frown, Sky stepped out of the library just to notice Cody's friends hanging out nearby. Tom, wearing a pair of faded jeans and a flannel shirt, his hands in his pockets seemed to be in a deep conversation with Jess and Savannah, who both looked tiny next to him - though, to be honest, it wasn't just because Tom was big. Jess would have looked tiny next to anyone. Sky was used to being the shortest one in any group, but Jess was in her own league. She wasn't just short and slender, she was petite in every way. Even her hands - which were now furiously flying through the air as she talked - were small like a child's.

"Hey, have you seen Cody?" Sky approached them a bit cautiously. She didn't really know them that well - besides, they were clearly in the middle of something. "He said he was going to the library, but I can't find him—"

"Oh God," Jess rolled her pretty eyes, interrupting Sky. "I so don't need this shit right now."

The friendly smile Sky had worn on her face dropped and the sudden embarrassment made her cheeks heat. She had never known how to deal with mean girls - Kat had always done that for her, and when she'd been protected by the aura of Kat's wits, sarcasm, and wicked fighting skills, no one had ever really bothered her.

Before Kat had died, that is. After that, the bullies had attacked her like vultures.

Sky straightened her back and tried not to show her hurt, as she glanced from Jess to the others.

"I'm sorry, what?"

Cody's friends shared silent glances. Jess crossed her arms over her chest and jutted out her pointed chin in a stubborn gesture, whereas Savannah looked down to her black converses, her cheeks burning. It was left to Tom to answer.

"We just— had a small argument with Cody. I don't know where he went."

"An argument?" Sky's stomach dropped. "About what?"

"Well what do you think? About you." Jess snapped.

"Look," Sky said, trying to stay calm. She really didn't want to start a fight with one of Cody's closest friends, no matter how horrible that girl was being. "I don't know what I've done to you, but whatever it is, I'm sorry—"

"It's not what you've done to me," Jess replied. "It's what you're doing to him."

Sky's cheeks heated, her chest felt hollow. Did Jess know—? Did all of them know how badly she was treating Cody, accepting his love and not giving him anything in return? No wonder they hated her, Cody deserved better, he deserved a girlfriend who worshiped the fucking ground he walked on—

—which is exactly what I'm going to do. Fucking Hell, I just need to get my head straight. Throwing him a wonderful birthday party— well, that's a start, right?

It would show Cody she loved him, that she wanted him to be happy, that she thought he was amazing— and maybe his friends would see that too?

"It's just—" said Savannah softly. "Cody's been skipping Drama Club a lot lately. And we're in the middle of making a play. He's the lead, and we can't do much if he isn't there. And he keeps canceling our plans, the Shakespeare reading and all—"

Savannah's shoulders fell, she looked miserable. If Jess was all angles and sharp temper, everything in Savannah was soft and round and smooth. She had the biggest, bluest eyes Sky had ever seen, and quite often they were either hazy with weed or filled with big tears that looked like dew drops. She was the kind of girl who would cry because flowers were so pretty. Quite Frankly, Sky found that a bit annoying.

Sky glanced at Tom, who simply shrugged, confirming what Savannah had said.

"He's been skipping Drama Club? I— I had no idea—" Sky stammered.

But that wasn't exactly true. When she'd been in rehab, she had known Cody was neglecting every other aspect of his life to be with her. And after that too— They had been together almost every day since he'd returned from the skiing trip. And not once had Sky stopped to think about his hobbies - drama Club, debate team, Muay Thai… had he given up everything he loved for her?

That was just wrong. Sky didn't want to be the reason for Cody to diminish. She wanted him to be happier, to be him, to smile and laugh and do all the things he loved. She wanted to see him shine, like he had that day when she'd walked into him and his friends reading Othello. She wanted that for him, that, and so much more.

"I didn't realize," Sky said, finding her voice. "I'll talk to him, I promise—"

"Jesus Christ," Jess muttered and rolled her eyes again. She seemed to be doing that a lot. "We don't need your help."

Sky swallowed the angry response that was already on her lips. They were standing in a crowded hallway, kids pushing past them on their way to the next classes that would start soon, and this was the last place or time on Earth Sky wanted to start an argument. She stepped a bit closer to Tom and the girls to give way to a group of pretty, popular girls who momentarily filled the hallway with their loud laughter and perfectly white smiles. The cloud of perfume that followed them was almost suffocating.

Sky turned her attention back to Cody's friends.

"Well— whatever, but maybe we should try and get along instead of this - I don't even know what this is? Did you guys know it's Cody's birthday next Friday?"

"I mean, yeah, but—" Tom started, but got interrupted by Jess.

"He doesn't like to be reminded of that. As you should probably know."

"I don't care," Sky replied a bit sharply. "Cody deserves to have some fun, and I'm throwing him a party."

Tom's gray-blue eyes turned worried. "Seriously? He hates parties—"

"Well he has never had a party that's thrown by me," Sky flashed him a grin. "He'll love it. And I could use your help—"

"Oh, no—" Jess shook her head, squinting her eyes that looked like black diamonds. "Leave me out of this. You want to throw him a party and ruin his fucking day, suit yourself, but I won't have anything to do with that, because - unlike you - I actually care about what Cody wants."

Her words felt like a blow and they erased Sky's smile. Anger was sizzling in the air around Jess like lightning as she turned to leave and walked away, her backpack bouncing against her bony shoulders. Savannah shrugged and gave Sky an apologetic glance, but then turned to follow her friend.

So much for trying to get along.

That thought weighed heavily on Sky's chest. Cody had once said his friends didn't like the girls he dated, and that it wasn't anything personal, but this encounter had made Sky feel like shit. There were tears in her eyes, angry, disappointed tears, as she turned her glance to Tom.

"Why does she hate me so much?" The words escaped her lips before she could stop them.

Tom sighed, looking incredibly awkward. He stuffed his hands deeper into the pockets of his baggy jeans.

"It's not you. It's… everybody."

Sky did her best to suck down the tears.

"Everybody everybody? Or just everybody Cody dates?"

"Look - it's just hard for her, okay?" Tom sighed. "Just give her some time. I'm sure she'll get over it."

"Over what? They used to date or something?"

That thought filled Sky's chest with a weird feeling. She didn't want to think about Cody kissing Jess, his fingers trailing down her swan-like neck, her tiny hands threading through the silky strands of his hair—

Jealousy.

She felt her cheeks heating. She hardly had any right to be jealous of Cody, with her own treacherous heart, the way Hawk's presence always made her feel hot and weak, like her insides had turned into Jell-O. Besides, she knew Cody had dated half the school - so what if he had dated Jess too?

"No, it's— It's not like that. But hey, about Cody's birthday— I should probably warn you that a party might not be the best idea. Cody— well, he's all weird about this birthday thing. He's always been."

Sky pushed the lingering jealousy off her mind and turned her eyes back at Tom.

"How long have you been friends with him?"

"Since middle school," Tom shrugged. "Why?"

"Do you know—" Sky hesitated, trying to find the right words. "Do you know, about his past? I mean, like why he doesn't want to celebrate his birthday—?"

Tom's eyes widened. "Do you?"

"Well, yeah. We talk— a lot. When I was in rehab, we had this thing… He would come to see me, and I told her something bad about my past, and he would tell me something of his." Sky replied, trying to figure out if Tom knew everything she did. She didn't want to accidentally reveal Cody's secrets.

"Oh, okay. That's… surprising. He must be serious about you. I mean, I thought I was the only one who knew…" The ending of that sentence trailed off. "His foster parents are total dicks, though. No wonder Cody hates birthdays."

Sky bit her lip. Did Tom know about Cody's birth Mom? About the Walmart parking lot, the trash cans, his mom bleeding to death in some random bathroom? She decided not to ask. Those secrets weren't hers to tell.

"You really think this party is such a bad idea?" She asked instead. "I mean, I know he says he doesn't want it, but— but he deserves a party. He deserves it more than anyone."

"I know you mean well," Tom said silently. "But honestly - he might not be thrilled about it."

"You know what - I don't even care. If he hates it, then he can leave and I'll eat all the cake myself. But what if he doesn't hate it? What if he's always wanted a party and never got one because people are scared of what he thinks? What if it'll make him super happy?"

Tom ran a hand through his sandy-color hair and let out a long sigh. "Well, I guess there is only one way to find out."

"So, you're in?"

"Fine, I'm in - but if he loses his shit, I'm blaming you." Tom replied a bit sharply.

"Don't worry, I'm sure it's going to be great!" Sky flashed him a smile that she hoped looked more confident than it felt. "Champagne! And cake! What's there not to like?"

The school bell saved Tom from replying to that. Rushing to catch her next class Sky fished her phone from her pocket, but there still was no reply from Cody. Her texts were hanging in the void, unread, which left Sky's heart feeling all hollow. Quickly she texted Cody, before taking a seat.

everything okay between us?

No answer came. The teacher started the class, and Sky was forced to put away the phone, but the nameless worry kept eating at her throughout the afternoon.