Never have I ever cheated on a relationship.
Drink.
Never have I ever smoked a joint.
Drink.
Never have I ever played strip poker.
Drink.
Never have I ever gone skinny dipping.
Drink.
Never have I ever had a one-night stand.
Drink.
Never have I ever thought a cartoon character was hot.
Drink
Never have I ever—
It had started fun and simple but had stopped being that a long time ago.
Who was the crazy slut who had cheated on someone, played strip poker, had sex in a car, done drugs, and stolen something from a store? Of course, it was her, as always. Was there anything stupid or reckless she hadn't done? Apparently not. There was literally no round when she didn't have to take a drink.
Never have I ever traveled to a foreign country.
Drink.
All the times she'd traveled to Italy with Dad and Kat were too sweet and too painful to even think about. And the trip last summer with Hawk— the way they had kissed at Fontana di Trevi, how they had made love in the bathroom of the villa in Florence—
And two days after they had returned home, Sky had found the medal of honor in his room and tried to kill herself.
Fun times.
Never have I ever been hospitalized.
Drink.
She didn't even want to think about all the times she'd been in the hospital, and yet the memories slithered into her mind like snakes. Matt shooting her through her shoulder. Her suicide attempt. The school fight—
It was almost a relief to have to take a drink. At least she was well on her way to getting so drunk she wouldn't feel a thing. The vodka burned all the way down, as she emptied her glass - no small sips now, she went for the whole shot.
Never have I ever seen someone die.
Drink.
Sky emptied another full shot glass. Kat lying on the cold, tiled floor in a pool of blood, her lifeless eyes staring back at her—
No amount of vodka was enough to soothe that pain. It was sudden and breathtaking, a spear through her heart. Tears flooded her eyes.
"Sky—" said Moon, trying to reach for her, but Sky stood up so fast she almost lost her balance.
"I'm out—" Her legs were a lot shakier than half an hour and many, many vodka shots earlier. "It's okay, I'm fine— I just— I'm gonna find Cody."
She stumbled out of the room, not looking back. The music was loud - it was a playlist she had made herself, of happy, easy dance hits and pop songs - but now it made her feel sick. She craved something dark, something dangerous, she wanted Slipknot or System of a Down, she wanted bands Kat had loved, but she couldn't remember where her phone was, and Kat was gone, she had seen her die, and they were never getting drunk together again or smoking joints or laughing as they threw their coins at Fontana di Trevi.
Her chest was collapsing as she stumbled out of the back door. She needed Cody, needed him horribly, needed his arms around her—
Sky stopped in the doorway.
Cody was in the backyard, but he wasn't alone. He was with Jess.
A weird, heavy feeling descended on Sky. She had invited Jess, of course, knowing she was one of Cody's closest friends. But Jess had refused to have anything to do with the party. She had made it very clear that she wasn't going to come, and yet, here she was.
Had Cody called her?
Sky drew in a shaky breath, the cool night air filled her lungs but didn't ease the dizziness. Jess and Cody were sitting on a bench, very close to each other, their backs turned to the house so that they didn't see her. Jess was holding a hand on Cody's shoulder and was talking to him in a low voice, her blood-red lips close to his ear. Cody's head was hanging low and even if Sky couldn't see his face, the sadness and fatigue of his posture pierced her heart.
On a table nearby, there was a bottle of Champagne and two plates with pieces of half-eaten cake, which felt like a slap on the face. While Sky had been busy getting drunk and playing stupid games, Jess had actually gotten Cody the cake he had wanted, was giving him the comfort he needed.
Sky's chest clenched tight, squeezing the air out of her lungs.
Jess was so pretty. She was tiny, slender, delicate like a doll, and stylish in her jeans and a black blouse. She was beautiful without trying, without any of these lace or frills or high heels or glitter that Sky was wearing. Suddenly all the pink and gold on her felt stupid, ridiculous.
She was a fool.
At that instant, Jess turned to look over her shoulder and noticed Sky. The line of her jaw turned defiant as her hand slowly slid down Cody's arm, fingers tracing his bicep.
Without a word, Sky retreated back into the house.
Her stomach was a tight knot, a bundle of anxiety, shame, and jealousy.
He should be dating Jess, not me. I don't deserve him. I don't deserve his love. I've only brought him pain—
With shaky legs, Sky walked through the living room, where the game was still going on, where people were talking and laughing as if everything was fine, as if her world wasn't falling in pieces. Tom was watching Moon with a silly smile, like she was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. Yasmine held Demetri's hand in the circle, blushing and batting her insanely long eyelashes at her boyfriend. Sky's heart ached, she was going to fall apart, she was going to have a panic attack, Kat was dead and Jess' hand was on Cody's arm, and Sky couldn't breathe. She stumbled past the circle and the music was loud, or maybe it was her heartbeat, her breaking heart, and everywhere around her people were laughing. They were having fun, now that she wasn't there anymore. Other people had fun secrets, not a fucked up mess of filth like her.
The music was too loud. Sky's head was spinning with vodka, but not enough. She needed more, more, more - to stop thinking about Kat who was dying, about Hawk who had lied to her, and Jess, whose lips were so close to Cody's ear and who was pretty and smart and artistic and all the things she wasn't—
She rushed through the hall, briefly noticing that Luke was there, talking with one of Cody's friends from the Drama Club. Joey? Sky was pretty sure he was called Joey. He was a pretty boy with messy, dark brown hair that reached his shoulders. It looked like Luke was getting somewhere with him - the other boy was laughing, and his hand lingered in the air close to Luke's arm as if he wanted to touch him, but hadn't dared yet.
Good. At least someone is getting lucky tonight.
Sky had imagined how she would take Cody into her room later tonight. How he would peel this dress off her body. How he would kiss her and press her down on the bed, and make love to her, and it would be beautiful, he would be happy, he would tell her he loved her, over and over again, but now—
He was having cake with Jess in the garden, looking like he was crying again, and he wasn't hers to comfort.
There was a pit in her stomach. This party was a fucking disaster. A disaster. In the kitchen, she opened herself a beer and drank, trying to force her restless heart to calm down. Holding the cold can against her forehead, she leaned her back on the counter and breathed in and out, six counts in, four out, and let the beat of the music travel through her weary body.
She was lonely. So fucking lonely. If only Kat was here—
Her phone was on the counter, where she had forgotten it when she had been getting the plates for the cake. She picked it up, opened the messages, her thumb hovering over the screen as she hesitated between a couple of names.
But there was no point reading Kat's messages again. She was gone and she was never coming back. Before she could get second thoughts, Sky clicked on the other name, and started typing.
Sky:
Hi
His response came only a couple of heartbeats later.
Hawk:
hi
omg
is everything okay?
Sky:
yeah
just drunk
Hawk:
u drunk texting your ex?
Sky:
maybe
do you mind?
Hawk:
u sure everything is okay?
Sky:
yasmine wanted to play never have I ever
Hawk:
oh okay
I see
Sky:
just thinking about Kat now
and everything else
Hawk:
I'm sorry
about Kat
and about all the stuff I did
Sky:
it's okay
it was really nice to talk today
at school
I missed that
Hawk:
I missed u too
He had missed her.
Reading that sentence hurt in so many ways that Sky couldn't even put it into words. He had missed her. Was it true? Or was it just another lie? She wanted it to be true so badly that it took her breath away. She wanted to know he had laid restless in the bed, unable to sleep, suffering for her - just like she had suffered for him, agonized, tortured by love that refused to die.
Sky started at the phone for a short moment, her breath getting caught in her throat. The beat of the music resonated into her body through the counter and her toes were aching in her stupid, high heels, and suddenly she felt like she couldn't breathe. What the fuck am i doing? Drunk texting my ex at my boyfriend's birthday party?
She felt like she would throw up. This was not how this night was going to end. This was not how she would forgive him - drunk and lonely and desperate for someone to love her.
Sky:
sorry
I gotta go
Hawk:
sky
wait
are u okay?
can I help?
Sky laid the phone on the counter, screen down, not to see any more of Hawk's texts. Her cheeks felt flustered, her heartbeat was too fast in her chest, too painful.
She was too drunk. She wasn't drunk enough. She brought the beer to her lips and emptied the can in a couple of deep gulps, but it did no good. Everything she had wanted to text to Hawk was a shapeless mess inside of her chest, and it wasn't going anywhere, it was ruining this night, it was ruining her, ruining the only good thing in her life, her love for Cody.
Cody.
Who was eating cake with Jess, while she was freaking out alone in the kitchen, fighting a panic attack she could feel closing up on her faster and faster.
She left the phone on the kitchen counter next to the empty beer can.
Luke was in the hall, making out with Joey. He had pushed the other boy lightly against the wall, and was kissing him, leaning on the wall with one hand, other one deep in Joey's messy hair.
"Luke—" Sky called, interrupting them, and Luke broke the kiss, turning to look.
His eyes were foggy, but they cleared up a bit when he took a look at her, noticing her disheveled state.
"What is it?" he asked, and released himself from Joey's arms. The other boy looked clearly disappointed, and his hand lingered on Luke's waist, as if he wanted to ensure he wasn't going too far.
Sky felt horrible for interrupting their moment, but it couldn't be helped. She needed Luke more than that boy - besides, they could continue their make out session later. She had made the bed in the guest room, just in case someone wanted to stay for the night.
"Luke, can we—" she hesitated, trying to force the words out through the anxiety that had turned her breathing fast and shallow. "Can we talk? Upstairs? I need— I need your help."